“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,
deserve your love and affection.”
~Buddha

If you’re truly interested in living the freedom that you know is possible, take a look at all the ways you keep yourself separate from it.

And for some of us, one of those ways is to live in regret of our past actions.

Here’s the scenario. Whether you intended to or not, you’ve done something that hurt someone else or yourself, and you just can’t let yourself off the hook. You can’t stop repeating the story of what you think you did wrong in your mind, convincing yourself that you’re damaged and unworthy.

It’s like you’ve created a movie of what happened, and you keep pushing play—over and over. And the images of what you did and the choices you made recycle in your mind nonstop.

If this is what’s happening for you, something needs to change for you to come to peace. If you continue to punish yourself and believe that you’re bad to the core, you’ll live in this shame forever.

So how to release yourself from the prison of feeling badly about your past actions? How to stop being hijacked by thoughts about what you should have done?

There’s no easy fix, no magic suggestion that will take away all the pain. But there’s much for you to consider and practice to begin to move toward peace.

Be Open to Peace

If you’re stuck in shame and self-blame, see if you can find at least a sliver of openness to explore the possibility of finding peace within.

Imagine seeing your life 5 or 10 years into the future. Do you still want to be feeling the shame you’re feeling now? If not, then contemplate the possibility of finding a way through it. You’ve suffered enough already.

Understand and Accept

If you keep repeating the story about what you shouldn’t have done, you’re resisting the facts of what happened. No amount of wishing will change the past. The invitation then is to accept what happened and do your best to understand why things unfolded the way they did.

Maybe you were caught in a moment of unconsciousness. Maybe you weren’t thinking clearly because you were taken over by a pattern from your childhood to protect yourself or seek attention or approval. Maybe fear or anger was in charge when you did the things you regret. Take your time to go inward and see what you discover.

No matter what happened, accept the facts with compassion and understanding. Know that we all get caught in emotions and unconscious patterns and couldn’t have done any better at the time. And now you have a tremendous opportunity for growth and freedom.

Bring Kindness Toward Yourself

The story of regret is filled with self-judgment and self-criticism. These are extremely harsh ways of treating yourself in your mind and will keep you stuck. Start to tell yourself that right now, if you don’t listen to your mind, you are okay—and it’s okay to feel that way. You’re here, breathing.

Notice the feelings that are present. Find some space from the story they tell you and create a field of tenderness that welcomes all that arises. Breathe with the sensations in your body as they come and go.
Be an understanding friend to yourself rather than a judge and enemy.

Make Amends

Do whatever is necessary to make amends. This brings the focus from your thoughts about yourself to the other person and the relationship. Acknowledge the pain you feel, then apologize, return goods or money, listen deeply to what the other wants to share, or somehow make it up to those who were hurt as best as you can.

And if you can’t do that in person, write a letter even if you don’t send it or have a friend role play with you so you can say the words of apology. Create a ritual that lets you say, “I’m sorry,” and feel it in your bones.

Learn from Your Experience

When you look beyond the pain and regret, you’ll realize that you’ve learned some valuable life lessons. Be clear about what these are and live them. This is the essential step that sets you free because it changes the way you show up in the world.

Know what your values are and step up into acting in alignment with them. Make conscious choices from a place of wisdom, compassion, and understanding for yourself and others.

Even if you’ve messed up in a big way, you don’t have to hold onto the pain forever. Let the moments of your life be a testimony to conscious living and deep compassion for the suffering of all.

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“Once you realize that the road is the goal and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.”
~Nisargadatta Maharaj

Do you find yourself getting stuck in the same thought patterns, emotions, or behaviors over and over?

• You keep ruminating about your life purpose;
• You’re sad because nothing goes your way;
• You’re relationships feel unsatisfying and you can’t figure out why;
• You carry around your feelings about things that happened in your past.

Then perhaps a trauma-informed view will help you.

“Trauma-informed” is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot recently. It offers an invitation to view our human lives through the lens of early trauma—how the unresolved feelings from our experiences when we were young show up in our life situations now.

“Trauma-informed” is wide-reaching. It can apply to ourselves, others, our relationships, our choices…and includes how conditioned ways of being were passed through the generations in our families and appear in our culture and society as a whole.

Are you interested in understanding the root of wars, political problems, climate change, and social issues? Consider the trauma-informed view, and a lot will be illuminated.

Some people say that it’s not what’s wrong with you…it’s what happened to you. And I would go further to add that it’s not just about the facts of what happened…it’s your reaction to them…how what happened back then still lives in your body, mind, and emotions. That’s what gets triggered now.

Years ago, I worked with someone who was trying to quit smoking. When we started untangling what was behind the urge to smoke, his whole history around the stress he lived with as a child was revealed.

If what you feel now is loneliness, exhaustion, persistent problems in relationships, a tendency to feel hurt or rejected…if you engage in any compulsive behaviors…these are all indicators that a young part of you is activated. What’s happening now is triggering a reaction to similar events from the past.

From the trauma-informed view, there is no such thing as an overreaction. It might look like someone is reacting way too strongly to the current situation. But once the roots of the reaction are unearthed, the way the feelings are expressed makes complete sense.

Why is it useful to include early trauma in our exploration of awakened living? Because any emotional reactions we have are opportunities for greater freedom.

• We notice them with curiosity rather than ignoring them or playing them out unconsciously;
• We turn toward ourselves which means we stop waiting for others to change so we can feel whole;
• We bring loving acceptance to the young parts of ourselves that have been activated;
• We have the space to be fully alive in the present, including all that appears, rather than being driven by our unexamined emotions.

If we want to know the deepest peace that is the foundation of every moment, then we need to understand how we’re taken away by longstanding conditioned patterns appearing now.

And if we don’t, we’re engaging in spiritual bypass, where we use the idea of spiritual awakening to overlook our need- and fear-based tendencies.

Opening to everything, we get to be curious about our present moment experience. Become familiar with the signs of stress in your nervous system and the cycling thoughts that won’t leave you alone. Be aware when you feel unsafe, shut down, or needy.

Then let these experiences be here…as they are…in the loving spaciousness of your true nature. That’s how these inner knots gradually become free.

Digesting early trauma is a rich path that takes time and skill. Don’t hesitate to reach out for a therapist or join a healing community that feels welcoming and safe.

And when you’re committed to this path, here’s what’s in store for you. Little by little, your life force is released from the emotional hooks from the past.

Now you’re available to live fully—your birthright—with creativity, inspiration, gratitude, and love.

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“There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Don’t look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.”
~Rumi

Let’s start by contemplating some common situations that arise in everyday life.

Anne gets frustrated every time her husband walks through the door and doesn’t give her a hug before moving onto other things.

Robert feels disappointed when the phone call he’s been waiting for never comes.

Melanie feels tense every time she reads the news.

These common situations leave us batted about by our reactions, feeling that something isn’t right, while what we really want is to feel okay inside.

Anne needs her husband’s behavior to change so she can feel loved. Robert needs that phone call so he can stop feeling disappointed. And Melanie needs better news so she can feel at peace.

Their happiness is attached to things they can’t control. And this is a setup for unhappiness.

Here’s a simple but brilliant truth—and it’s one that we can bring to our in-the-moment experience over and over.

The world is as it is. People do what they do. Things happen as they happen, and there are no mistakes. And our ideas about what should happen have little to do with it.

People aren’t wrong and the world isn’t wrong. It’s just how it is. Even if some of the things that happen are quite upsetting, this is a truth that doesn’t change. Things are as they are.

So if we don’t have control over things external to us—if we can’t manifest a world of people and situations that fulfill our every desire—then how can we be happy and peaceful?

The one amazing, life-changing option that we always have is to turn our attention away from our thoughts and the outer world and in toward ourselves to meet our inner reactions with loving acceptance.

The source of our discontent is not in what happens—it’s in our reactions to what happens. Underneath the stressful situations and unfulfilled desires are tender places of fear and longing.

While we’re busy in our heads hoping to be loved, wanting others to change, or wishing the news would improve, we miss ourselves…the tension in our bodies, the persistent anxiety, and the young parts that need our loving attention.

Our thoughts mostly tell us what is not okay and what needs to be fixed or changed….so don’t look for peace and happiness there… But opening to our feelings with love and kindness, we discover a whole new way of being with our experience.

We start by becoming peaceful with what arises in us, and eventually our view of the world changes to one of compassionate understanding…for ourselves and everyone else. We have the space to flow with life…

• Receiving rather than resisting;
• Welcoming in love rather than fixing or improving;
• Being curious.

Exploring even deeper, we discover the underlying, stable formless reality that is already whole, fulfilled, and complete. Resting here in this spacious presence…allowing everything, resisting nothing…there’s peace…

Looking outward into the world to find ways to feel better is one of the many strategies we use to avoid our inner experience. Although it might work for a while, ultimately we will become aware of the pain of our feelings again.

But turn toward yourself with love and openness, and miracles happen. Finally, you’re connected, alive, real, and at peace.

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“Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.”
~Hafiz

If you’re like most people, you define your everyday experience by your problems.

What is wrong? What isn’t going right? What if all these bad outcomes I’m thinking about actually happen? Why me? Why can’t I just be happy?

These worst case scenarios and comments on your personal inadequacies are all thoughts that appear in your mind. If you’re identified with these thoughts, if you take what they tell you as absolute fact and think they accurately describe you and your life, then you’ll never know the peace of your true nature.

Simply said, you won’t find peace and happiness in your mind—ever. Can you feel the power in that statement?

But lose interest in the content of your thinking, and where are you? Who are you? You’re right here, undefined by thought, awake in the luminosity of present moment experience and one with life.

It takes no time at all to leave the limitations of the mind. You don’t have to wait for your thoughts to stop or for bliss to appear. You don’t need special knowledge or the right method.

You only need to lose interest in what your thoughts are telling you. Don’t give any attention to the commentary, judgment, and mental blabbering.

• Then open to your senses. Without labeling anything, just feel, see, hear, smell, and touch;
• Look from behind your eyes, prior to your brain, and be the seeing itself—with so much freshness;
• Forget words altogether, and directly experience what’s here beyond memory. No time, no space;
• Be the open field of perception that endlessly includes everything with no resistance or separation.

By believing your thoughts, you’ve simply overlooked a fundamental truth that is always here, waiting for your infinitely kind attention.

In any moment, you can go beyond the mind and experience the light that shines through everything. You realize expansion, pure openness, endless being, and the deepest acceptance.

You become aware of the sacred nature of everything.

Realizing this, your “Oh, no!” and negative drama—fueled by thoughts and emotions—become humility, gratitude, and the ease of receiving of things just as they are.

Practice going to the space outside of your thoughts, and you’ll discover that familiar ideas about yourself don’t exist here.

There’s no “you” who gets hurt or takes things personally. No one to worry about what might happen in the future. No problems.

You’re empty of fear-based, thought-based patterns and available to oceans of ease and well being.

It’s simple…silent…holy…and boundlessly peaceful…

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“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”
~Hafiz

Is your daily life filled with struggle? Are you prone to feeling stressed, out of sorts, and just plain unhappy?

It is absolutely true that a peaceful life is possible for you. It’s not going to happen by magic, and it might take a while for the changes to settle in.

But if you decide to make peace a priority, then you will start to notice that it seeps in everywhere.

Where you once saw disharmony and confusion, you’ll now experience ease and well-being.

A peaceful life doesn’t mean that challenges and difficulties don’t arise. It is not about creating a perfect life or engineering things to be exactly as you want them to be. And it’s not about waiting for others to change so you can be peaceful.

After all, how much control do you really have over what happens?

The heart of a peaceful life has everything to do with how you receive what you experience. Circumstances arise, and you have emotional reactions to them. You get laid off, and you feel angry. The love of your life shows up, and you are filled with joy.

Peace comes when you say “Yes!” to the reality of all your experiences with openness and and grace.

When you stand squarely in the possibility of peace, anything can arise, and you, as the ground of being, are not disturbed.

Are you ripe for a peaceful life? Here are some things for you to consider—and bring alive in your daily lived experience.

Be aware of expectations.

If what you expect doesn’t happen, you are primed for disappointment and frustration. Expectations are in conflict with life and make you resist what is being offered to you.

And when you don’t expect anything, you are open to receiving life as it unfolds naturally. You are in sync with reality.

Recognize when expectations have taken over your thoughts. Reconnect with your longing for a peaceful life, let the filter of expectations go, and take things in exactly as they are.

When you feel hurt, a young part of you has been activated.

If you evaluate everything according to your needs and desires, you are bound to feel hurt. Rarely, are people actually trying to hurt you. You feel that way because the situation has triggered a young feeling in you about being unnoticed, unheard, or unloved.

Explore this feeling to its root by letting go of the story and experiencing the sensations in your body. Take care of that young part of you that needs your love and care.

Use feeling hurt as an opportunity to explore within rather than blaming someone else, and your relationships will be much more harmonious.

Are you attached to being right?

Arguing your viewpoint brings suffering to your everyday life. If you are attached to being right, you will see others as wrong. You will react to their opinion and try to change their perspective. Needing to be right is all about resistance and separation.

Instead, bring to mind your desire for peace. Does needing to be right serve? What options do you have besides pushing your point?

Be curious instead of right. Listen deeply to understand the other’s point of view, and ask questions. Lovingly, with an open and generous heart, let others have their way. Decide to be close and connected instead of right.

Peace will pour into your life like a waterfall.

Don’t hide from your feelings.

When feelings are too strong or painful to experience, they go underground and wreak all kinds of havoc on your life. This is the source of addictions, complicated relationship dynamics, and general anxiety and dissatisfaction.

The road to peace is to be kind and friendly toward your emotions. Welcome them like a gracious, loving host, and allow them to be present…without acting on them.

Avoiding or indulging your feelings gives rise to endless dramas that are far from peaceful. Instead, simply take your stand as loving awareness and welcome them unconditionally. This is how clarity and connection—to yourself and to life—will appear to you.

Your Peaceful Life

A lovely, peaceful life is available for you. Commit to being aware of your inner landscape to see how suffering appears. Be aware of how your mind turns neutral occurrences into problems. Then turn away from the battle with yourself and the world, and let things be. Just relax…

You will know the heart and soul of a peaceful life.