Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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When You Feel Wronged

wronged“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
~Rumi

Have you ever been stuck in a grudge against someone? Are you feeling wronged, taken advantage of, or betrayed?

There are many ways that our connection in relationship can break down, and feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly is one of them.

If you’re like me, it’s like a fire burning inside that says, “No!” No, it shouldn’t be this way. No, she shouldn’t have said that. And here we are, caught in blame. Because if the other is wrong, then you must be right.

Due to their own unconscious patterns, people can be thoughtless and hurtful and do things that have challenging effects on us. But staying caught in blaming others, no matter how tempting it is, does little to ease our pain.

Life brings us what it brings us, and we have little control over it. However, what we can do is go within and decide how we want to meet what’s been given.

Life’s challenges, as difficult as they are, can be seen as generous opportunities for conscious exploration and the wisdom that softens our minds and hearts.

If you’re feeling wronged, there’s an inner journey available that guides you to restore your connection with the flow of life. It takes time, intention, and a tremendous amount of self-compassion. Be very tender with yourself when you’re ready to begin this process.

The last time I held a grudge, I spent months blaming the other person in my mind. I’m sure I repeated the “she shouldn’t have” story thousands of times. Finally, it dawned on me that I was tired of my own suffering…and that’s when the journey began.

The Solution Is Not in the Story

Our minds love to grab onto stories of judgment, hurt, and revenge. It feels satisfying to be right because it justifies the pain we feel.

What is your actual experience while you’re busy cycling through these stories in your mind? You probably feel tense and contracted, inflexible rather than spacious, and disconnected from the reality of the present moment.

And while your attention is absorbed in the stories, you’re overlooking a tender part of your experience…the emotions you’re feeling.

If you stay involved in the story, you will continue to feel stuck. How to begin to restore connection to your present moment experience? Breathe.

It might look like this: STORY…take a deep breath…STORY…take a deep breath… Again and again.

As your attention falls away from your mind and into your body, you’ll notice parts of your experience that were previously hidden.

Being a Loving Witness to your Feelings

Without the story, what’s happening in your body? If your feelings are strong, you might feel on fire with anger and hurt.

Make the space to notice how you feel inside…the agitation in your chest, the burning behind your eyes, whatever it is. Be the vast welcoming presence for all of this emotional energy that wants the space to move.

Then go deeper. Explore to see what emotions lie underneath the anger and pain, and lovingly welcome them.

Expanded Exploration

When it feels right, consider this journaling practice to support your clarity. Choose some of these sentences to complete with the challenging person and situation in mind. Your answers don’t need to make sense…just let your thoughts flow and your heart speak. Take your time with this exploration.

  • I’m sorry that___________________________________
  • I’m sorry for____________________________________
  • I realize I_______________________________________
  • I realize you____________________________________
  • What I can learn is_____________________________
  • Thank you for__________________________________

As you finish, tune into your present moment experience. What is arising for you?

Wise Perspective

When you take on this journey back to your essential wholeness, you give up waiting for the other person to make things right. As you move beyond the personal story in your mind, there’s space to soften into your present moment experience.

It feels like coming home to the living reality that’s here right now.

With a quieter mind, what do you notice? Maybe you become aware of compassion for the suffering of all involved. Or you realize that feeling wronged is an aspect of our collective human experience throughout time.

Maybe you relax into gratitude for all that’s given, or you simply, finally, enjoy feeling peaceful.

This is what happens when we consciously make our way through the hard places. Our personal hurt becomes a gateway into the loving embrace of all of life.

Living in Truth, Not False Beliefs

not-false-beliefs-1“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Do you believe things about yourself that just aren’t true?

  • Did someone tell you you’re nasty?
  • Did you grow up believing that you can never be good enough?

I know my mother did her best, but she often called me selfish, and it took me a long time to shake that label.

We Learn to Believe False Labels

Sometimes we’re outwardly given a label that others think describes us. And sometimes we draw conclusions about ourselves from things that happened.

Mark was the functional child in a chaotic family. He took care of his younger brother and cleaned the house the best he could. But he drew a conclusion about these experiences, which is that he could never measure up to what was expected of him. He just couldn’t fix the problems in his family. And he carried this belief about himself, of not being good enough, into adulthood.

It’s amazing how strong the conditioned mind can be—it soaks up what it learns like a sponge. And, especially when we’re young, it often can’t discriminate between what is true and what is false.

So we end up not questioning the messages we receive and take them on as if they accurately describe us.

We Live What We Project

These false messages are distorted, untrue, and don’t serve our peace and well being. It’s like we’re hypnotized, living under their spell. And when we believe these messages, we project them onto the world.

We become magnets for rejection, judgment, and unkindness, which only confirms that the messages are true. Our whole lives feel off because everything stems from these false beliefs.

Here’s what I say: these false ideas about ourselves need to go. Why? Because they’re damaging, they hijack our happiness, and they’re just not true.

Somehow the innocence of who you are and the unlimited potential that is your birthright were lost. At your core, you are effortlessly at ease, unquestionably whole and good, and boundlessly open and loving…but these truths were masked.

Rejecting False Beliefs

How to start reclaiming yourself? Reject these false messages.

First, get clear on what they are. Sit down and make a list of the ways you’ve come to think about yourself that just aren’t true.

Then, every time you notice one of these beliefs, take a breath and throw it away. It might appear a million times a day, but each time, turn away from it. Say it isn’t true, and turn toward the light of peace, ease, and presence.

  • Nasty? Not me.
  • Inadequate? Not true about me.
  • Unlikable? Into the trash.

Your mind will look for evidence to support the distorted, programmed label, but don’t even go into that story. Throw it all away because it doesn’t serve.

Living Truth

Now, here’s the exciting part: see what’s left.

When you throw away these false messages, you’re left with clear space filled with potential. How to be? What to do? How to feel in your body?

Let the intelligence of the moment show you the way. It will feel fresh and new, filled with new possibilities now that you’re out of the tunnel vision of the distorted label.

You’re moving forward free of the messages of the past.

As a person, you are a child of the universe no different from anyone else on earth. And in truth, you are infinite, universal consciousness itself. Don’t worry if you don’t believe it. Stop living by these old messages, and the rest will take care of itself.

You’ll discover your essential goodness and your pure, open, and loving heart.

What About You?

What false labels have you taken to be true? What beliefs are you going to throw away? Please share them in the comments, and if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment. I’d love to hear…

PS: I’m excited to tell you that I’m participating in a free live online retreat called Healing and Awakening moderated by Grace Bubeck. It takes place on December 12 and 13, and I am the last speaker. There is a lovely group of teachers scheduled, and I’m sure you’ll find it helpful. It’s free, and you can register here.

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Body, Awareness, and our True Nature with Ellen Emmet

ellen“There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life.
There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.
O traveler, if you are in search of That
Don’t look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.”
~Rumi

If you’re one of those people who is stuck in your mind a lot, then you’re going to love this.

I’m so pleased to introduce you to my friend, Ellen Emmet. Ellen has a beautiful way of creating the space for the separate self to dissolve through guided body awareness. She is an expert in welcoming people into the direct experience of emotions.

I invited Ellen to join in a conversation with me. We’re both therapists, and we share a passion for meeting each moment with full aliveness.

You can listen to or download the audio or listen on YouTube. I hope you enjoy it.

To learn more about Ellen, please visit her website, EllenEmmet.com. And be sure to listen to her guided explorations available here.

 

To download, click Download. The audio will open in a new window. Then for Mac’s, control-click, then “Save video as…”. For PC’s, right click.

Here are some of the topics we covered:

5:00 Body awareness vs. being consumed by thinking
8:15 Body awareness and knowing our true nature
13:05 Deeply welcoming the experience of the body
14.45 Trauma, the story, and the body
21:10 Being alive in our lives
25:30 Healing and knowing your true nature
29:00 Giving yourself over to your life
34:00 Attunement to emotions
35:00 The welcoming space of therapy
42:00  Ellen’s offerings—EllenEmmet.com

What About You?

Please feel free to leave a comment or question below. If you are reading by email, please click here to go to GailBrenner.com and comment.

 

Turn Toward Joy

joy“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”
~Joseph Campbell

It seems all too common to me that we forget to turn toward joy. We tend to focus on what’s wrong, how bad we’re feeling, and the things that other people aren’t doing to meet our expectations—and we forget to turn toward joy.

For some reason, it’s easy to take joy for granted. It’s always here. If you look for it, you will always find a distinctive peace or aliveness at the heart of every moment.

But we miss it.

How We Miss Joy

We’re busy worrying about everything under the sun that we can’t control anyway. And we’re stuck in our heads, thinking about our own troubles, and spending way too much energy trying to solve problems that can’t be solved by thinking about them.

I recently had a heartfelt conversation with someone who told me with great heaviness that she had been suffering a good part of her life. She knows sadness…it’s been a constant companion.

We talked about ways to address the painful feelings and how to be compassionate when things become rocky.

Then it dawned on me—what about joy? The difficulties had become a magnet for her attention and had congealed into a disappointing life story. But there must be joy somewhere.

Then I learned about the joy she experiences seeing her children grow up and the charge she feels when her garden is flourishing.

And we looked at even the times of sadness to see if something else was present. Shedding the story of what happened and the history of neglect, we discovered a freshness right here that isn’t touched by any of that.

It’s in the vibrancy of the breath and the deep sense of being at peace that’s here once the mind stops diverting your attention. It’s the knowing that no matter what events are happening, there’s presence and stillness and an unfathomable sense of acceptance.

How to Turn Toward Joy

I have spent thousands of moments studying my experience. And I’ve found that, without exception, it’s always possible to turn toward joy. I don’t necessarily find it in the situations that occur. It’s not in my memories, because if I experience joy from a memory, I’m experiencing it right now. And I definitely don’t find it in my thoughts.

So where to turn to find joy?

  • First relax your attention away from any thoughts—and I mean all of them—and focus on the breath as it moves in and out. Already you’ll notice a peaceful shift.
  • Then relax away from the breath and expand into presence.

There’s a sweetness here that you might not have ever noticed before.

You’re not lost in any stories. You’re not concerned with how you look or worried about things you have to do. Although you may feel energy in your body, it doesn’t hold any significance.

Now you’re primed for joy, the joy that bubbles up naturally, the soft smile of just being. The mind-blowing amazement that anything exists that makes you dissolve into gratitude.

And while you’re at it, don’t just turn toward joy. Turn toward peace…happiness…expansion…tenderness…and appreciation.

The Sacred Choice

You can certainly feed your personal suffering and embellish on the worrisome thoughts that grab your attention. Maybe that is what you are most familiar with.

But you have a choice. And that choice is to turn toward joy. Right now in this moment and every moment.

What do you choose?

Any comments? What happens when you turn toward joy? I’d love to hear…

PS: Please check out downloadable Guided Meditations for Wholeness, Clarity, and Freedom. All 3 volumes are now at a low introductory price for a few more days. I think you’ll find them really helpful!

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From Unworthiness to Freedom: Return to Your Natural State

"Achieving Balance" SarahGoodnough.com

“Achieving Balance” SarahGoodnough.com

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

Just about every single person I meet with is consumed in shame and self-doubt. It’s a dis-ease that’s rampant in our society today. We feel worthless and inadequate. The language in our minds that we use to describe ourselves is so harsh and disparaging.

And we’ve come to believe that what these thoughts tell us is the truth of who we are.

Right now, reflect on the possibility that these thoughts of brokenness and inadequacy don’t accurately describe you. They’re programmed ways of thinking about yourself, but they’re not an accurate reflection of the truth.

You absolutely did not come into the world believing yourself to be inadequate. You came in innocent, whole, and filled with potential. Thinking you’re unworthy and not good enough is an identity you learned through your interactions with others.

Returning to Your Natural State

So the medicine for this identity is to return to your natural state. This is the state of who you were before the identity took hold. And this state, your essential wholeness, has always been here and available to experience.

Distorted beliefs grab our attention and become our reality. But the invitation here is to untangle from these beliefs by withdrawing your attention from them.

Thoughts such as, “I feel worthless; I’ll never amount to anything,” might be very familiar to you. But what happens when you stop feeding them with your attention? What happens when you stop using them to label yourself?

They’re seen as a pattern of words that are random and meaningless. And amazingly you’re free of their impact!

Nothing to Get Rid Of

Every time you notice that you’re caught in thinking that you’re unworthy or lacking, it’s possible to relax your attention away from the story in your head and open to being here right now.

The story may recur many, many times. But don’t see that as a problem. Your job is not to get rid of these thoughts, but to soften your connection with them. And you do that by withdrawing your attention from them. You stop feeding the hopelessness and despair so you’re not reinforcing this way of being.

So here’s how it works. The thought comes, I’m inadequate, I’m worthless, I messed up again, I’m a failure, there’s something wrong with me. Then you stop, and say, “Wait a minute. This pattern of thinking isn’t serving me. I don’t want to believe this about myself. I don’t want this thought pattern ruling my choices any longer. I don’t want to feel so bad.”

With this fire in your belly to stop the suffering, you withdraw your attention from these thoughts. Let them float away like a cloud or burn in the fire of your intention to be free.

You don’t need these painful beliefs about yourself to function in the world. In fact, you might find you’re a whole lot happier without them. Not that they go away, but you don’t use them to define yourself.

The Simple Truth

These thoughts tell you that you’re broken and need to be fixed. But what you realize when you stop buying into them is that right now, you’re here, present, and okay. You don’t need to be fixed or improved.

You’re no longer stuck in the conversation in your head about how you’re inadequate or what you should or shouldn’t have done. Your attention opens to presence, to relaxation, and to the simple fact that without these thoughts, everything is okay. You are okay.

Now there’s space in this present moment. You release into your natural wholeness, into not knowing. Now, you wonder, “How can I be without these thoughts? What will I do? What will I say?”

These are beautiful questions that arise when you step out of limiting thoughts and into a world of new possibilities.

So right now in this moment, notice that without your attention feeding the thoughts of inadequacy and brokenness, you can’t possibly be inadequate or broken. Self-doubt disappears. You no longer need to strive for attention, approval, and validation.

The only true solution to any problem is to realize that your thoughts are not who you are. Then you’re available to the magnificent, never-ending river of life.

What About You?

How do you handle feeling unworthy and inadequate? How have you found freedom from these thoughts? I’d love to hear…

Note: I’ve received many beautiful emails about my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. If it helped you, please consider leaving a review on Amazon to let others know.

So much love…
Gail