Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Know How Thinking Works

thinkingNote: I’m excited to share with you Chapter 11 from my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. It’s the kind of book you’ll want on your bedside table with 52 essays, each with a reflection or practice to bring the teachings alive in your own experience. To purchase the book, please click here.

I used to live my life completely caught up in my mind. An underlying sense of anxiety fed a constant stream of thinking that left me feeling stressed and out of sorts.

Now I know it’s not a requirement to live in that stress. I’ve studied these thought patterns and have found 99.9% of them to be repetitive, negative, and patently unhelpful. They don’t support, and they don’t bring joy and celebration.

One day many years ago, I was lying by the pool relaxing in the sun, and I decided to experiment. I brought to mind some common, worrisome thoughts and immediately felt physical tension in my body. Then I shifted attention away from those thoughts, and noticed that after a short time, the tension released. I went back and forth between thought and no thought until the lesson became crystal clear. And the lesson was about how much unconscious stress I had been holding onto, probably for decades.

From that moment on, I lost interest in thinking. Many thoughts still come, but if they are critical, agitating, gloomy, or divisive, I dismiss them. Because I don’t want to pretend that I’m separate from this amazing life that’s here right now.

We take thoughts to be real, but they aren’t. What is a thought? It’s a wisp of energy with words attached. And when we believe the meaning of these words, the thought becomes our reality. Mixed with emotions like fear and anger, the thoughts seem to have a life of their own. We believe the self-doubt, judgments, and fears about the future.

But thoughts are temporary. They are the mind’s feeble attempts to protect and control. Recognizing them and letting them be, we’re free of their meaning and the tension they create. And we’re here, fully alive in this beautiful, uncontrollable, mysterious unfolding.

Practice

Get to know the content of your thoughts—not to embellish the stories, but to realize how negative and self-defeating they can be. Feel how these thoughts bring stress to your body.

Check in to see if your thoughts are actually necessary. Don’t pay attention to them and see what happens. You may notice that your life unfolds just fine without that constant, judgmental, complaining commentary. In fact, aren’t you more here and alive without it?

What About You?

To read more, you can purchase At the Core of Every Heart here. Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear them. core final front cover 6-1 copy 2

And once you read the book, I would be so grateful if you would leave a review on Amazon so others can know about it.

So much love…
Gail

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9 Loving Ways to Be Free of Inadequacy

inadequacy“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.”
~Eckhart Tolle

For some compelling reason, many human minds are inclined to think negatively. And the target of those negative thoughts is often ourselves.

We’re fearful of what might happen if we stretch into the fullness of our life path. We believe we’re broken, damaged, and inadequate. We live in the pain of unworthiness.

These thought patterns hang like a dark cloud, distracting us from joy, well being, and the brilliance of our infinite potential.

The Core of the Problem of Inadequacy

Our modern culture tells us that these thoughts mean we don’t love ourselves, and the fix is to love ourselves more. But how do we actually accomplish that?

We’re encouraged to repeat affirmations, change our thoughts, and remind ourselves of our accomplishments. It’s wonderful if these strategies work, but often they don’t. They might give relief for a while, but they don’t sustain the sense of optimism and trust we all deserve.

Why? Because they don’t get to the core of the problem, which is that we identify with these self-defeating thoughts. We believe that they’re true—when they’re not, and we think that they tell us the facts about who we are—when these thoughts can’t begin to describe our magnificence.

9 Loving Ways

This identity of lack and inadequacy needs to be addressed head-on. Here are nine ways to do just that. Why would we go on believing a false identity when the truth of ourselves, which is so freeing, is right here to be realized and lived?

1. Form a friendly relationship with your thoughts.

Do the thoughts say, “I’m a loser, I’ll fail, I’m unlovable?” See how they limit you. When self-defeating thoughts appear, take a breath and say hello. Once you recognize them, be empowered to make the choice to live fully and not according to the limits they impose on you.

2. Be clear about what you really want.

Remember that what you pay attention to is what grows. Once you become aware that you’ve been in the grip of self-critical thoughts, you’re now able to choose where to put your attention. You can keep feeding the negative content of these thoughts, or try any of these supportive options in the moment.

  • Breathe deeply and track the movements of the inhale and the exhale.
  • Be still and meet your inner experiences with love and understanding—instead of believing them.
  • Ask: How does life want to move me? How am I called to serve peace and happiness?
  • Go do something that brings you joy and delight.

3. Be super willing to let go.

Letting go of the identity of unworthiness is like saying goodbye to a friendship that you know has reached its end. It might take some time, but be very willing to feel open in your mind and body, make space for new ways of being in the world, and see people and situations through the eyes of caring and not fear and need.

4. Know the truth.

Not one inadequate thought can possibly describe who you are. These beliefs are false descriptions that the mind comes up with, but who is the “you” they’re describing? You, who you really are, are way too glorious to be defined by any thought. You are unlimited, whole, free, and infinitely loving. And something in you has a sneaking suspicion that this is the truth. Know and live this truth. The world is waiting for you.

5. Don’t let your feelings guide you.

If you believe you’re unworthy, you’re bound to feel hurt, disappointed, and sad. As you probably know, these feelings pull you in and drag you down. Instead of following them, establish yourself in the intention to move beyond limitation. Stand up and feel your feet on the ground. Take a couple of breaths into your belly. Feel confident in your body as you take a few steps. Go out there and live the totality of what is true for you.

6. Be harmonious within yourself.

Believing the identity of feeling damaged or inadequate separates you from your own experience. Rejecting the feelings that arise within only strengthens self-hate. End the fight by being so very kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Just welcome them from a place of friendly neutrality as if they were clouds floating in the sky. No charge, no drama. This is the most loving way to be with yourself.

 7. Be here now—and not locked into the past.

Sometimes negative self-identities form because we internalize how people treated us when we were young. If you leave your mind unchecked, it will keep repeating this painful story forever.

Shift your attention away from  the mind and step fully into presence, the aliveness of your being that has never been touched by brokenness or insecurity. Breathe in the aliveness, as this is the true medicine for the division and negativity you feel. Over and over, choose presence and not your thoughts—in the name of freedom, happiness, and love.

8. Act as if.

Take one situation or interaction, and approach it as if you felt whole, confident, and enthusiastic. How does it feel in your body? What thoughts would you be thinking? Embody this intelligent way of being in your own direct experience.

9. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t plan on eliminating all thoughts of unworthiness. Instead, commit to meeting them with loving presence. Notice them, acknowledge them, then turn away from them while you stay rooted in the fullness of unlimited potential. Do this every time the thoughts arise, and eventually they will soften.

What About You?

Have you found freedom from inadequacy? Still working on it? Do you live your true magnificence? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

New videos: I’m happy to share two new video interviews. I had lovely conversations with Grace Bubeck and Evita Ochel. Please enjoy!

Always in love,
Gail

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The Way Through the Mindset that You’re Inadequate

inadequate“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

“I feel like a loser.” These were the words of a friend of mine, as we were sitting over coffee, and it just didn’t compute. Before me I saw a beautiful being with such a tender heart. And in listening to her story, I again became aware of the impressive power of the mind.

Every time she showed excitement or clarity, in a split second her thoughts derailed her. “I can’t…” “It won’t work…” No wonder she felt like a loser. Her thoughts were constantly telling her these lies that she couldn’t find her way out of.

The Pain of Thinking You’re Inadequate

These are the kinds of painful thoughts that get us into so much trouble. They somehow take up residence in our minds, living there for decades, stealing our happiness, creativity, and well being.

These thoughts are familiar, and, without realizing it, we keep putting them on over and over like your favorite pair of jeans.

We believe what these thoughts tell us, and they unknowingly create our reality.

But these negative, denigrating thoughts have nothing to do with our true identity. Because these thoughts aren’t real. They’re a temporary gust of energy that travels through your mind. They’re sounds with no actual meaning.

But just reading these words may not be enough to find the wholeness that is already your natural state. How many times have you heard, “You’re perfect just as you are” or “You’re not inadequate—it’s only your thoughts?”

These statements are true, but they don’t become our reality until we know them in our bones. We need to own these truths and know that they are absolutely real.

If you want to continue living the painful belief of your personal inadequacy, then read no further. But if you really want to know the truth of you, if you’re sick and tired of feeling the weight of not being able to fully and freely be alive in the world, then bring your attention to your own direct experience. Do the work, because that’s the key.

Learn to inquire into your thoughts. Learn how to turn toward your feelings and embrace them with love and intelligence. And experiment—in the unfolding moments of your beautiful life—with knowing you are whole, boundless, open, and infinitely free.

Inquire into Your Thoughts

The simple act of inquiring into your thoughts is revolutionary. Inquiring cuts through well-worn assumptions and habits of mind. We take the programmed thoughts that run outside of conscious awareness, and we put them under the microscope.

Suddenly, what you took for granted as true is now completely fresh. Instead of being defined by these thoughts, you wonder about other possibilities.

And here’s what we examine:

Are these thoughts actually true? Are you really damaged, inadequate, or destined for mediocrity? Take any thought that has defined you, and question it, asking if it is true.

What is the impact of these thoughts? Say that one of your mantras is, “I could never succeed at that.” How does that thought make you feel? How does it affect your behavior? What does it do to your soul?

Do these thoughts accurately represent who you are? Feel how limiting thoughts contract you into a tiny space with no room to breathe. And begin to consider what’s outside this space. Get a sense of you, your real truth, without these thoughts defining you. Become aware of your essential nature limited by nothing. You’ll find it outside of your thoughts.

Turn Toward Your Feelings

Your identity of inadequacy is not just about your thoughts. You also feel it in your body.

And if you want to see through it into your true magnificence, turn toward your feelings. Is fear rage, or disappointment present? Go beyond the story to welcome the sensations that arise in your body.

Open to all of your experience, including feelings that may be hiding out in the shadows of your awareness.

Welcome the way the feeling lives in your body. See what it’s like right now in your experience without going into your head and into the false story of incapable you.

Then let it all be. Realize the space that allows things to be exactly as they are. Don’t resist, just be.

Experiment Living Who You Already Are

Now that you’ve seen these thoughts of lack and you’ve turned toward the feelings, act from the fullness that is absolutely alive in you.

Stand up in your brilliance. The thoughts may be present, but you don’t have to buy into them. The feelings may come, but you don’t need to let them run the show.

This belief that you’re not worthy is a mask that hides this truth: you are whole. Take off this mask, and begin to step into your truth.

Expand your mind beyond habitual thoughts. Breathe new life into your body. Then see how life wants you to shine.

What About You?

Have you discovered your natural wholeness? Bogged down by feeling inadequate? Please share in the comments. And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Always in love,
Gail

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Surrender Your Mind to Your Loving Heart

surrender“Surrender is faith that the power of Love can accomplish anything even when you cannot foresee the outcome.”
~Deepak Chopra

I love the act of surrender. When we’re holding on tight to something with so much effort, it means we can thankfully let go.

When we feel like we’re carrying the world on our shoulders, we can give it back, drop the weight, and trust that things will be okay.

The Ease of Surrender

I surrender a lot. When life presents me with a situation that I just can’t figure out, I stop trying. Instead of endlessly rolling it around in my mind, I wait, listening intently, fully receptive to the answers that might appear.

When there are too many things to do, I stop trying to do them and let myself be guided.

And when things just don’t feel right, I know I’ve taken a turn off my true path. And that’s the perfect time to stop, let go, and surrender.

From where I sit, surrendering makes life so much easier. You don’t need to stay stuck in the fog of confusion. You don’t need to know all the answers. The pressure’s off, so you can truly relax.

“Going with the flow” takes on a whole new meaning.

How Surrender Works

I recently found myself urgently trying to make a decision, and the way forward just wasn’t clear. I tested out a couple of different options, but each time I felt an inner “No.” I had no enthusiasm and felt forced to do something I didn’t really want to do.

There were red flags everywhere that I was looking in the wrong direction. So I decided to surrender.

Instead of choosing with my mind about what I thought should happen, I went to my heart. I asked:

  • What would I enjoy?
  • What am I enthusiastic about?
  • Where does my creativity want to express itself?
  • What would be fun to do?

And as soon as I started asking these questions, the answers flooded in. To my surprise, I realized I wasn’t confused or stuck. I just hadn’t created the space for these answers to emerge.

Here’s the lesson that came as clear as day. The mind creates struggle, and the heart knows. I can spin around in my mind with its desires, expectations, and judgments, or I can let all of that mental activity merrily float off into the ethers.

I can suffer and contract into an agitated little ball, or I am here, happy, clear, and free, with a smile on my face.  🙂

Your Turn to Surrender

Are you interested in surrendering? Here’s what to do.

  • Get to know that cranky, needy personal voice with its endless desires, requirements, and opinions. Recognize it, then let it go. Don’t give it your attention.
  • If it feels right, ask questions appropriate to your situation. How is your heart wanting to speak?
  • Now here’s the juicy part. Simply listen. Find that place of supreme openness beyond the thinking mind where you don’t need to know, and be available to what that openness has to tell you. Let yourself be visited by the grand intelligence that lies behind everything. And trust it no matter what your fears tell you.

Surrender your mind to your loving heart. It’s simple and courageous and the only sane thing to do.

What About You?

What keeps you from surrendering? What happens when you do? What do you surrender? I’d love to hear…and if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Always in love,
Gail

Note: You are most welcome to attend our next live meeting of Living in Truth. Please click here for the info.

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The Must-Do Way to Heal from the Pain of Inadequacy

heal_inadequacy“Discontent, blaming, complaining, self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future, no matter how much effort you make.”
~Eckhart Tolle

The problem of inadequacy is rampant in our society. Call it low self-esteem, need for approval, or the disease to please—if you believe that you are your conditioned habits, you’ll live with the sense that something’s missing.

The messages about lack are everywhere. Just watch ten minutes of commercials on TV. You’ll be told you aren’t young enough or thin enough, or that you don’t have the car or even cleaning product you need to be happy. We live in a culture of non-acceptance, which is supported by what many of us learn from our families of origin.

We’re taught that we’re not good enough, that we need exactly what we don’t have. It’s a legacy of lack.

The Pain Is Personal

Of course, this sense of lack seeps into our personal psyches. It might appear like this:

  • Living steeped in thoughts about what you should do or be to be acceptable and complete;
  • Needing others’ approval to feel okay about yourself;
  • Constant self-criticism;
  • Feeling that there must be something more to life;
  • Compulsive behavior that tries to fill your emotional void.

It’s like the bucket is always leaking. You rarely feel full, relaxed, and at ease.

Lack and desire are at the root of unhappiness. And feelings of personal inadequacy keep you searching, struggling to fulfill your needs and desires.

In Buddhism, it’s called the hungry ghost— that gnawing hunger to seek what you think you’re missing but which can never really satisfy.

You Are Already Whole

The invitation I’m offering to you here, right now, is to stop living in the false identity of “not enough,” to stop searching to get what you think you need in order to finally be adequate.

Instead, turn your into into the core of inadequacy to find out if it’s true. (Hint: It’s not.) Realize the possibility that, outside of the sad stories and hopeless feelings, the truth has always been here, waiting to be discovered.

You have always been all that you were looking for.

You are whole and complete, more than enough, full and overflowing—just as you are. You can wake up from the dream of personal lack, which is precisely the healing you’ve been looking for.

The Path to Heal from the Pain of Inadequacy

How to do that? Don’t believe the thoughts that try to convince you that you’re inadequate. Question these thoughts, and they’ll start to lose their power.

  • You observe them rather than believe them.
  • You realize you don’t have to take them as true.

When you stop and question your thoughts, you’ve put on the brakes to this painful habit. And that changes everything.

You realize that these thoughts appear, but they are not who you are.

Beautiful You

And who are you? Naturally kind and open-hearted…pristine…unaffected by anything that might have happened to you.

We’ve all heard the saying that you can see the glass as half empty or half full. I say, don’t just see the glass as half full.

Stop trying to fix what’s not actually broken in you and realize that your glass is already completely full and overflowing. Recognize that your fulfillment is already here, available right now, then go out there and enjoy your life.

Are you troubled by inadequacy? Have you found the way to heal from it? I’d love to hear…And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

You may have noticed that there was a problem with posting comments on the site for the past few weeks, but this is now fixed. Feel free to stop by. I’d love to hear about your challenges and insights!

Always in love,
Gail

PS: This post is inspired by Chapter 7 of my book, The End of Self-Help: Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life. To purchase the book for yourself or a friend, please click here.

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