Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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What About All the Suffering in the World?

contemplate_suffering“Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true.”
~Adyashanti

I’m so happy to be back and writing again after a long break. Part of the reason for my absence here is that I have been dealing with online identity theft. The takeaway for all of us: complex, unique passwords and as many layers of security on your accounts as possible.

Yes, I see the irony in protecting my identity. Who am I really? Not my name or social security number. But in the realm of infinite possibility, it makes sense to be practical and protect yourself as needed.

What to Do With All the Pain

As readers here, you know that this blog is all about lasting happiness and true freedom. But are these truths universal? Do they apply to people suffering in difficult circumstances in all corners of the globe?

This is just the question asked by reader Tristan, who writes,”Are these answers universal? What should someone do if (s)he is going to be abused tonight if dad/uncle comes home drunk/horny/aggressive. Or lives in a war zone, and may have her/his child murdered tomorrow?

“I know I can achieve my own peace by shining awareness on everything, and my middle-class circumstances afford me plenty of space… but I worry for our sisters and brothers I mention who still suffer in agony while I claim my peace… I feel so such pain over that that if there isn’t a realistic answer for them too, I would actually rather not be alive.”

Yes, these answers are universal. The truth is not selective. It is the reality of everything always. It is stable and unchangeable and applies everywhere and to everyone. So how do we understand these situations of immense suffering?

Deeply Investigate Who You Are

This question invites an investigation of who we really are, and who are all these other beings on the planet who are suffering. Who is it who is peaceful? Who is the one who is suffering? Let’s start with you.

When you look in your direct experience to find yourself, what is there? You will find thoughts that come and go, a body that changes over time, feelings, habits, physical sensations – but you will not find an entity that is you. So who you think you are is all of these experiences congealed into what seems like a separate self.

But there is no actual self, there is just these experiences, coming and going and changing. And the same goes for the rest of the almost 7 billion of us on the planet. We think we are separate, but in actuality, there are no separate selves.

Let’s then go straight to the heart of the matter and ask, “Who are you?” Who you are is the consciousness that comes before all thoughts, feelings, habits, sensations, etc. You are unity, non separation, non division, the space of awareness, the source that everything arises from. You exist, you are.

You are the purity of love itself before any objects or thoughts about the personal self arise. And this is true of every thing, every person that appears to be a separate entity.

Tell the Truth About Your Beliefs and Habits

Before this truth is realized, we buy into our belief systems, habits, and feelings that divide and separate. We justify bad behavior toward the apparent “other” in our thoughts. We compare, judge, and make ourselves and others better than or less than. We are misguided in our intentions, coming from fear, and lack, and not from love. This is what creates the suffering in our world.

And there is so much of it because only a tiny percentage of people investigate the truth about existence, and an even tinier percentage are open to realizing the endless well of peace that is possible. The vast majority of beings on the planet run on mind-created beliefs and delusion, fear and lack.

Don’t we all know the pain of being victim and perpetrator? I haven’t been physically violent in behavior with others (except for a girl in second grade), but I have said hurtful words, pushed others away, and been less than kind toward myself. I have let myself be the victim of others’ unconscious confusion when I knew better. And I know I’m not alone.

When any of our habits go unexamined, and we don’t admit the truth of who we are, there is great suffering of all kinds.

This is true even for those who commit the worst acts and for those who are the recipient of them.

From this place of non separation rises understanding and even compassion. Because when we truly see the apparent “other,” our heart knows there is no difference – we see ourself everywhere. Sometimes this moves us to help others or simply to be so very kind in the simple acts of daily life, including toward ourselves.

This is the ultimate healing – to be alive in the understanding of non separation and to live the unfolding of life in the knowing that all is love.

Allow Everything and You Will Be Peaceful

Should you take care of yourself and your loved ones in the face of threat? Absolutely. In the great openness of awareness, nothing is excluded. Are there times of great helplessness in the face of all the suffering in the world? Yes. And as you let that helplessness in without resisting, painful as it may be, feeling or action may arise.

When you claim “your peace,” it is not actually yours in the personal sense. There is no you to whom this peace belongs. You are touching into the truth of reality that is available to everyone – to all our brothers and sisters who are suffering.

Be a Living Testimony of Infinite Love

All behavior, all events that occur, unfold from original innocence. See that, then feel into the intensity of unexamined belief systems that bring about tremendous suffering. Eventually, only love is left. And, for me, the fire to bring awareness to any vestige of misguided thinking that may remain so the personal “I” dissolves, leaving presence, aliveness, and love.

Choosing not to live because of the suffering of others would be a sad waste of amazing potential. Instead, consider dedicating this life you have been given to living the truth. Clean up all your belief systems that confuse and limit.

Let your brilliance shine in everything and everyone in your daily life.

Since there is only unity, the joy and ease will be felt everywhere, even if it is at the most subtle level.

For the next day or so, look into, and behind, the eyes of everyone you meet – people familiar to you and strangers – and see that the source of you and the source of them is the same. This is where we all meet in love, as love.

Any reactions, comments, or questions? I’d love to hear…

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The Value of Staying – Even When It’s Hard

“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.”
~Byron Katie

A friend of mine took a yoga class the other day, the kind in which you stay in the poses for a really long time, and it was fascinating to hear of his experience. Bliss, relaxation, struggle, pain, comfort, resistance, release – all of it happened in a matter of minutes.

This is the value of staying – even when it’s hard. You get to actually experience reality. You get to be with what’s going on. And you get to recognize that simply being aware is the gateway to the deepest peace.

Are You a Runner?

Our modern society teaches us to run. We are masters at avoiding, distracting, and resisting. We think that if we keep moving forward, to the world out there and away from ourselves, that we will find the peace and happiness that we long for.

This tendency feeds all kinds of problems – addictions, habits, frustration, alienation, bitterness, envy, personal inadequacy. You live in need rather than fullness, lack rather than peace and contentment.

It’s an endless cycle of suffering and heartache, that maybe you are caught in. Have you ever gotten the object or job or relationship you were craving? How long did your happiness last before you weren’t so satisfied anymore?

The radical choice for all of life’s ills is to stay. Really, it’s the only sane solution. Continuing to avoid yourself and seek something other than what is here right now keeps you completely stuck. Mired in wanting. Consumed by dissatisfaction and lack of fulfillment. Disconnected from yourself and from love.

Are you happy and content? Then you are happy and content in the present. You aren’t locked into desire or distraction. You aren’t disturbed by negative thoughts about yourself or the past or future. You are simply here, enjoying the moment.

How to Stay

The instructions for staying are so simple: don’t do anything and simply be.

  • Recognize that you are aware, and center your attention in awareness.
  • Get familiar with this space of non-doing. It is open, peaceful, boundless, alive.
  • Anything can arise in it, and you stay as awareness.

It’s really that simple. Rest in non-doing for a few minutes to start, and right away your whole perspective will shift. Then spend as many moments as you like in this quiet space. Don’t make it a chore. Do it for enjoyment and freedom, for ease and well being.

As you stay as awareness, you will notice thoughts or feelings or the tendency to move into familiar habits. Instead of starting to rev up and do again, simply stay with being. This is exactly what my friend did in his yoga class. No matter what arose, he stayed and let everything be.

It might seem unnatural at first to stay, but eventually you realize that it is relaxing, effortless, and natural. Your attention rests in being, and from here, nothing that arises is a problem.

Glorious Staying

If playing out conditioned habits isn’t working for you and you are looking for a peaceful state that you think is not present now, experiment with staying. Here is what you might experience:

  • The force to carry out habits and patterns weakens. You realize you can stay and let the momentum to do run itself down rather than acting on habits that aren’t serving you anyway.
  • You are flexible and open. Running on automatic keeps you caught in one way of being. Staying offers options, insights, and clarity you haven’t had the space to see.
  • Presence shows you the truth about your experience. You see thoughts as simply mental chatter, feelings as stories and physical sensations that don’t have any essential meaning. As aware presence, you are alive, functioning well, and totally okay.

Staying creates the possibility for you to tap into being. Without the distraction of mind-made pressures, your idea of yourself as a separate person with needs and desires to fulfill falls away.

Miraculously, you realize you are one with the totality of being and intimate with all things – right now. You are endlessly peaceful, completely content, seeing and being love with no separation. This is the possibility for you.

Staying starts a revolution. Are you in?

What makes it hard to stay? What is your experience with staying? I’d love to hear…

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10 Life-Changing Facts to Heal the Pain of the Past

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean Paul Sartre

Still plagued by your past? Then this post is for you. But only if you want to be free, only if you want to know the open-heartedness and enthusiasm for life that come with making peace with the past.

As you probably know, sometimes events from the past have a mind of their own. Memories keep recirculating when all you want is for them to disappear. You are way more emotionally reactive than you know is good for you. And you are limited by distrust, neediness, and a stunted view of what is possible for you.

If you know your past is still nipping at your heels, read on. Because you will discover 10 facts that may just be the key to unlock the door to your full, unbridled, joyful, infinitely sane expression of you. Be free of the past, and you can go on and simply enjoy your life.

A Personal Example

How do I know? From first-hand experience. For many years, I had a very rocky relationship with my parents, filled with anger and resentment about the past. My mind screamed about the “should have’s” and “ought to be’s.” I kept an endless list about what I deserved, but thought I had missed out on. There were periods with no communication and many arguments as we tried and failed repeatedly to find a way of meeting. Until I saw the light.

In a moment of insight, I took responsibility for my own happiness. I saw that my anger was preventing me from experiencing the ease and well being that I desperately wanted, so I stopped feeding it. No more stories about what should have been, no more blaming or waiting for solutions. My identity as the wounded child disappeared, and what was revealed? Happiness. Peace.

The story of what happened in my past didn’t change. But what I gave power to totally changed. I stopped dwelling on the past. I stopped justifying the anger, and now, 15 years later, I have trouble even remembering the details of events that used to agitate me to no end. I am so much more drawn to ease and simplicity. Yes, my relationship with my parents has improved beautifully, but that has been a side effect and not the primary driver. What I wanted more than anything was to be free of the past and happy in the now. And, yes, I am free of the past and so deeply happy in the timeless now.

10 Life-Changing Facts

What happened to me is, without question, possible for you. Apply these 10 life-changing facts to the sticky residue from your past. See clearly, get unstuck, and move forward free and unencumbered.

1. The past isn’t really about the past.

When you look with great clarity, you will see that there is no actual thing called the past. Everything that happens happens in the present – it can’t be any other way. Memories of events are thoughts occurring in the present. Anger or hurt about the past is happening now. Your present moment experience in the now is what keeps the past alive.

What is amazing about this understanding is that it shows you that the way out of your suffering is always in the present. You can change your perspective – now, focus on something different – now, feel your feelings – as they are right now.

If you want to heal from the past, put your attention on your present moment experience.

2. Memories are not the problem.

A memory is a thought, and a thought has no power or meaning whatsoever, unless you give it power or meaning. You have many thoughts about things that happened long ago, and these thoughts cause no problems. But some thoughts are sticky. You have an emotional reaction to them and you think them over and over. You may even have beliefs related to them, for example, “I am justified in thinking this” or “I need an apology so I can move on.” This keeps them very much alive, affecting your ongoing experience.

If you want to be free of the past, lose interest in these sticky thoughts. Know that it doesn’t serve you to repeat them and that thinking they are justified only delays your freedom. Be prepared to take a look at the pure experience of your feelings without the layer of thinking that solidifies them (see #6 below).

3. “Healing” means letting go so the thoughts and feelings don’t impact you.

Your goal is to neutralize the story from the past so it loses its power over you. It becomes transparent, with no meaning and no effect. You change your relationship to your thoughts so they don’t sit like a dark cloud over you. Your goal is not to:

  • Make yourself forget about the past (impossible)
  • Stuff or ignore your feelings (creates other problems – addiction, anyone?)
  • Wait for an apology or acknowledgment (postpones happiness)
  • Wait for time to heal all wounds (you may need more than time)
  • Wallow endlessly in your emotions (oh, so painful)
  • Redo the past (you can’t change what happened but you absolutely can change your reaction to what happened)

Keep holding as possible: freedom…peace…sanity…freshness in the moment…fully alive now.

4. The path to healing opens up once you are fed up by how the stories about the past impact you.

As I’m happy to say as often as necessary, what you focus on is what will grow. If you cultivate sadness, regret, and revenge, then they will become your reality. As an alternative, be very willing to see through these stories as much as is needed. Be open to energy moving through your body rather than staying stuck. Prepare yourself to feel differently. Contemplate not defining yourself by thoughts about the past.

5. You get a jump-start on releasing the past when you take full responsibility.

Once you see that the ball is totally in your court, you have set the stage for deep letting go. Your happiness is your responsibility alone, not anyone else’s. You might be very familiar with feeling like a victim. But this is a passive, unempowered position, leaving you waiting for words or actions from someone else, something you cannot control.

Taking responsibility means being open to recognizing how your own internal landscape is feeding your suffering. What thoughts make you unhappy? What feelings are stuck in your body and heart? How do you make yourself suffer by recycling negative memories through your mind? Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. Take responsibility for going right into those bruised and tender places. Read on to find out how.

6. Telling stories keeps the past lodged in your mind, heart, body, and spirit.

We tell ourselves all sorts of stories that bring trouble to our lives. Want to be trouble-free? Here is the medicine.

  1. Notice how entranced you can be by the stories of drama and victimhood that appear in your mind.
  2. Just for a moment, let yourself lose interest in these thought stories. (see #2 above)
  3. See that what is left is a pattern of physical sensations, maybe gripping, tension, or burning. You may never have noticed these sensations before, but they have probably been there for a long time.
  4. Now notice this: You are aware, and these sensations are appearing in your awareness. They come, go, and change, but here you are: aware.
  5. Take the perspective of awareness, and the sensations have the freedom to be. They aren’t ignored or suppressed. You aren’t so busy in the story that you don’t notice them.
  6. Now notice: Are you suffering? No, you are simply experiencing sensation as awareness.

This is freedom – no attention to the story, experience appearing and disappearing with ease. You: unchanging, clear, undisturbed.

7. Beliefs about healing can get in the way.

Besides getting stuck in the story, you might become aware of beliefs you hold about what needs to happen for you to let go. These are simply more thoughts that keep you distracted from the heart of the matter. Here are some possibilities:

  • “I feel justified in staying stuck because I was wronged.”
  • “It is someone else’s responsibility to make this better for me.”
  • “If I let go, I’m somehow approving others’ bad behavior.”
  • “I need an apology.”
  • “Life is unfair.”
  • “It was so bad that it’s not possible for me to heal.”

You life begins now, in this very moment…and now…and now. You can always start anew. Don’t feed these limiting thoughts, and you won’t need them to disappear. Proceed to discover that you were never not whole, that a part of you has always been untouched by the world.

8. Relationship troubles relate to your past.

Unless you see through all of it, you are a product of your past and the ideas you have formed about how relationships work. This keeps the past alive in the present. Do you fear rejection or commitment? Do you feel you need approval and attention? Do you isolate or push people away? Do you need to be on top and in control? Do you have difficulty trusting? If these tendencies cause you problems in your relationships, here is your opportunity.

Untangle your thoughts and feelings about the past, and live in freedom from them as you move forward.

9. The middle path is the intelligent path.

Dwelling on what happened and leaking your feelings all over the place will keep you suffering. Hiding, indulging, or stuffing your feelings doesn’t work in the long-term. Instead, bring intelligence and clarity to your direct experience. Cultivate a fire for peace and ease that serves you well.

10. Finding out who you are is the ultimate freedom.

If you define yourself by your past, you will be living as a fraction of what is possible for you. Say you think of yourself as wronged or abused or victimized. Or you see yourself as having gotten the short end of the stick.

Defining yourself by what happened doesn’t help you now. It’s like wearing clothes that never fit. Is it time to take them off?

It’s easy to believe in a mistaken identity. It feels so true to think we are the result of what happened or the sum total of our thoughts and feelings. But the truest thing about you is that you are aware. Life presents a passing array of experiences – thoughts, emotions, events, people. These all arise in you but are not you.

Live as the awareness that you are – fully alive, here, not in conflict with anything. Know who you are, and the pain of the past will barely be a ripple…on the surface…of the immeasurable vastness of you.

What have you learned about healing the pain from the past that has helped you?

Note: This is the seventh in a series of posts on Life-Changing Facts. Here are the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and anger.

Note on September 26, 2014: Thank you all for your comments, which I have enjoyed answering. We have thoroughly exhausted this topic! I am closing comments on this post, but I guarantee the answers you are looking for are here, either in the post or in my responses to other people’s comments below. I love that you are interested in finding peace. It’s right here, available to you!

Always in love,

Gail

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What to Do With a Mind Gone Wild

“Tell me to what you pay attention and I will tell you who you are.”
~Jose Ortega y Gassett

“Oh, what I would do to shut down my mind.” These are the words from an email I received from one of our readers here at A Flourishing Life. “I long for peace and serenity amidst the chaos of my life, ” she continues, “yet I am so quickly sucked back into believing I need to control everything. I am overcome by expectations and fears…and a whole lot of self-doubt.”

Sound familiar?

So here is the problem: You want to experience your life in a more peaceful way, but the endless cascade of thoughts seems to be running the show. You are left feeling like a victim, out of control, and longing for the contentment that slips so easily from your grasp.

You Can’t Stop Thoughts

If you’ve tried to stop your thoughts, you know by now that you have taken on a virtually impossible task. Attempting to stop thoughts is like trying not to think of a pink elephant. If you are thinking them or trying not to think them, either way they are still receiving your attention. And they can surge with a vengeance.

Here’s the good news: you don’t need to spend one more second trying to stem the flow of thoughts. Why? Because you can’t.

And more good news: There is one very important action you can take that will open the doorway to greater peace.

You can make a commitment to yourself to not get involved with the content of your thinking.

What to Do With Thoughts

If your mind has gone wild and you are disturbed by your thoughts, it’s time to get intelligent. Be wise, be practical, and see through to the truth of your experience.

Let’s start by recognizing that when you are troubled by thoughts, there are two things going on. First, a thought arises in your mind. And, second, you pay attention to it.

This understanding offers a very interesting possibility. Remember that your attention is like food. What you give it to is what will thrive. What if thoughts could appear without being fed by your attention.

Many thoughts pass through your mind in the course of the day that don’t trouble you. Why? Because you aren’t interested in them. They come…they go…no problem.

But some thoughts are sticky, as you well know. They beg for your attention, and you comply. They are alive in you precisely because you have given them attention. You think them over and over. You embellish them with:

  • Fears – “Oh, no!”
  • What if…
  • Why me
  • She should have or shouldn’t have
  • If only…

Well, it’s time for you to take back control. And the control that you have available to you is to get uninterested in your thoughts.

How to do this? You must – in your mind, heart, body, and soul – be finished with the suffering that your mind brings to your life. With every cell of your being, say, “No more!”

Useful or Not?

When a thought appears, first, ask yourself: Is this thought useful? This, in itself, can be a powerful practice. Because you recognize how useless the vast majority of your thinking is.

Do the stressful thoughts help? The worrying ones? The regretful ones? The ones that criticize, judge, and divide?

Feel the effects of thinking these thoughts. How does your body feel? Are you happy?

When you tell the truth about the futility of most of your thinking, losing interest in it becomes the obvious, sane choice.

Losing Interest

If a thought isn’t useful, doesn’t bring you happiness, and disturbs your peace of mind, then lose interest in it. Here are some ways to do that:

  • Turn away
  • Throw it in the imaginary trash
  • Just say no
  • Drop it – like a hot potato
  • Let it go
  • Remind yourself that it isn’t helping you
  • See that it is just sound in your head
  • Take it in like it is speaking in a language that you don’t understand
  • Hear it say, “Blah, blah, blah…”
  • “I need to tune out my thoughts like my kids tune out my nagging” – the “aha” moment of our friend who wrote the email I mentioned above.

In fact, aren’t we all masters at tuning out exactly what we don’t want to hear? I know my mother would say I was very good at it when I was a teenager. Apply this strategy to troublesome thoughts and see what happens.

“I tried it, but the thoughts keep coming.”

It’s essential to remember that the goal is not to get rid of thoughts.

The goal is to not be disturbed by thoughts in any given moment.

Your thinking, especially the highly conditioned kind, may continue for a very long time. Trying to stop it saps your energy and leaves you right where you started – struggling with your thoughts.

If you commit to turning away from thoughts with every fiber of your being, they lose their power over you.

A rush of thoughts? No problem. Recurring stories from your past? No problem. Thought whirlwinds about what should or shouldn’t have happened? No problem.

Keep the fire for happiness brightly lit, and your focus remains right here in the now. Thoughts don’t pull you away, so you can be at peace in this moment, and the next and the next…endlessly.

The mind might say, “But it’s not working!”  This is just another thought trying to grab your attention – it has no meaning unless you make it real.  Let all your thoughts be, and you will discover the timeless presence of now that is eternally peaceful.

Where Does Attention Go?

Now that you aren’t interested in your thoughts, where does your attention go? This is the lovely part, where you discover peace, contentment, and the problem-free continuous flow of experience. Yes, it’s possible for you.

You can’t think your way here; it is discovered once thought has lost its domination over you. And this is what you discover – the simple fact that you are aware.

What is this awareness? It is aware, alive, and pure. It has no personality, gender, nationality, or even history. It contains no content itself, but it is not at odds with anything that arises in it.

Dive in, and see for yourself.

Turn away from focusing on any objects – thoughts, feelings, people, situations. What is left is being aware.

You are aware and always have been, and this awareness is You.

If you want to bathe in the river of peace, happiness, and love, see what is standing in your way. Lose interest in your thinking – all of it, and your self, pure and luminous, will be revealed.

Any questions or insights? Sharing is most welcome…

Know That Stillness Permeates Your Life

stillnessNote: Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to fill out the survey (it’s still available) and send me your feedback by email. One person mentioned how much she appreciated this post, which was published about a year and a half ago. Here it is again, revised. Consider it as a love letter, or a prayer. Please enjoy.

“Silence is a source of great strength.”
~Lao Tzu

When in doubt, know that stillness permeates your life.  Stop…breathe…rest…wait.  Be still.

There is no need to rush into things, no need to always know the answer.

When you speed through your life, overlapping one thing with another, you lose sight of yourself.  You are alienated from reality.  You live in your head – in your thoughts and pictures of what things should be like. And you forge ahead with the power of a tsunami. So exhausting.

How About Stopping?

But what if you were to stop?  Stop thinking, stop doing, stop analyzing, stop the endless loop of stories in your mind.

What would you discover?  Here are some possibilities:

  • Feelings you have been running from
  • Clarity about a situation in your life
  • The need to rest and take care of your body
  • A spark of creativity
  • Enjoyment, wonder, peace
  • Something completely unexpected

Stillness is a healing balm.  It brings space, wisdom, and sanity to your life.

In stillness,

  • You don’t need to know
  • You allow things to be as they are – effortlessly
  • You realize that life continues perfectly without thinking about it
  • You recognize that deep relaxation is possible

Stillness returns your attention to the present.  You shift from living in your thoughts about the past and the future to the glory of now.  You are authentic, real, available, accepting.  As you stop strategizing and figuring everything out, there is openness to the reality of your actual experience. Real experience – life, not imagined scenarios.

You see the pain and futility of hiding, pretending, avoiding.

How to Be Still

The how-to is simple.  Just be still.

Why not try it right now?  Draw your attention away from your mind and open to what is here in this moment.  Notice seeing, hearing, touching.  Take in the sensations in your body – every tension, every vibration.  Make space for your feelings.

*     *     *     *     *

Then let go of all the noticing, and just be still.  Boundaries dissolve, and you are here – quiet, alive, and completely at peace. Notice that the quiet appears to expand everywhere.

*     *     *     *     *

It may seem like stillness doesn’t last. Actually, thoughts, feelings, and sensations don’t last – it is natural for them to come and go. But all experience arises from stillness, which is everpresent, untouched, not disturbable, the ground of you.

*     *     *     *     *

Even if this moment is unpleasant in some way, maybe you will recognize the simple truth that you are aware of it.  By being still, you wake up to your life, your experience, the reality of you.  We put down all the effort, all the trying, and simply be.

*     *     *     *     *

Now go the next step.  Instead of resurrecting your usual way of being, let everything emerge from stillness.  See how everything in your life unfolds naturally, without thinking about it.  And at the source is you. Alive, aware you. Eternally fresh, always here.

When in doubt, know that stillness permeates your life.  Stop…breathe…rest…wait.  Be still.

Comments, reports, questions? All welcome…

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