Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Are You Keeping the Past Alive in the Present?

“Whatever you have forgotten, you can remember. Whatever you have buried you can unearth. If you are willing to look deep into your own nature, if you are willing to peel away the layers of not-self you have adopted in making your way through the tribulations of life, you will find that your true self is not as far removed as you think.”
~Meredith Jordan

I have so much compassion for those deeply-held patterns that we find ourselves trapped by. The pattern might be a fear of not having enough or being enough, a tendency to need approval or acceptance, or an out-of-control desire for control.

We feel a basic sense of lack and are driven to complete ourselves. “If only I could find the missing link, then I would be happy.” Doesn’t this describe the human condition?

The Origin of Lack

These patterns form when we are very young in response to circumstances and relationship dynamics. The people around us meant the best, but sometimes they fell short of providing the support and attention that we really needed.

This unfortunate situation creates the fertile ground for troublesome programming to thrive. We learn survival patterns that take hold of us like a hungry tiger, and they spread their tentacles into our hearts, minds, and bodies.

And now here you are, in your 20’s or 40’s or even older, acting as if you were five again. This is what has happened: the past is very much alive in the present.

Identify Your Identities

The pull of these unresolved experiences is very strong. They infiltrate you and become who you think you are. They seem to stuff the wholeness of you into a tiny box, and they drive you with need and desperation.

I had very early experiences that gave me the message that I wasn’t safe in the world. Since my basic security felt threatened, I grew up filled with fear. Sometimes it has played out as passivity and sometimes as a sense of bravado that hid the fear that was driving me.

Either way, whenever I respond with passivity or bravado, I am keeping the past alive in the present.

Return to Sanity

You have probably heard of the metaphor of the inner child. When these experiences from the past have not gotten the loving attention they need, it is just like a child living inside you. You feel the emotions of that earlier time, and they drive you to limit yourself in so many ways.

Believe me, I know this well in my own experience.

But I know this also: Total freedom requires us to unearth these tendencies. They are not real, and they are not who we are. They drive our behavior, and they shield us from the natural life that is our birthright.

We must see them with laser-like clarity or they continue to live in us outside of conscious awareness.

Isn’t it time to heal these so-called wounds and return to natural wholeness?

Tell the truth about how you bring the past into the present. Name the tendencies that operate through you. Step back from them so you can see them as they are. Know that they have landed in you, but they are not you.

Be ruthless and compassionate. Yes, undesirable things happened, but stay rooted in your quest for freedom, for wholeness. Be willing to do whatever it takes.

Tell the story and feel the pain. Don’t hold back in experiencing the pain of these patterns. How do they make you feel? How have you betrayed yourself? What has been the effect on others? Feel the truth of the pain so you see it clearly. But don’t wallow in it.

Soothe the inner child. Let him or her feel your support and reassurance and love. And know that I love you, with all my heart.

Contemplate living without these tendencies. What would change? What would freedom feel like? This is the natural, unconditioned you.  Experiment with living it.

Stay aware. These deeply-embedded patterns hold on tightly. Know them so well that they come to light in an instant. Then, over and over, relax into wholeness. Let go of all barriers and live in this open, receptive space, free of boundaries and structure.

Then one day you will notice, ah, peace and happiness…effortlessly.

This is your time. What pattern do you need to resolve? How do you stay committed to the process? We would all love to hear and support you…

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It’s So Simple: Just Press Reset

“Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”
~Jill Bolte Taylor

Teaching stories are everywhere, like this one, for example. My new husband and I were lost in the woods this weekend, and, well, what else to do but take out our iphones.

In a minute, his showed us the way, yet mine was woefully blank. A trip to the Apple store solved the problem – a simple reset, and I was good to go.

Reset Applied

The next day, I found myself grumpy and stressed. Then the lightbulb went off. Oh, a reset! And that was all that was needed. The clouds cleared, and there was openness and peace once again.

Really, my choice to reset changed the whole tone of the moment and the rest of the day.

Can it be as simple as that? Absolutely. You are never more than a nanosecond away from sanity. You are closer than close to knowing yourself as aware presence, alive to all possibilities.

Just as you choose to be troubled and downcast, you can opt for a reset. As the quote by Jill Bolte Taylor says, “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”

It’s Your Choice

Take responsibility for your mood, what you think about and believe, your attachments. Take responsibility for happiness, and you will see that this simple shift changes everything.

Here’s how it works:

  • Reset: What do I really want in this moment?
  • Reset: What is most important right now?
  • Reset: Let me forget about thinking and sink into the heart.
  • Reset: What emotion, expectation, or idea do I need to let go of – right now?

Maybe you think if you read enough blog posts, one day you will magically become happy or more in control of your thoughts or feelings. Maybe you think that happiness is not possible for you.

My suggestion to you is: don’t just read – try it out in your own experience. When you find yourself stuck in lack or misery, press reset. Clear your screen completely, and look out with fresh eyes. Drop the veils that hide your magnificence, and relax into the space of no projections.

Here each moment is brimming with potential. Whatever seemed frustrating or painful dissolves. You sparkle with creativity and openness. You are flexible so new solutions come to mind.

 The amazing good news is that you don’t have to settle, you don’t have to accept good enough. Take responsibility for the energy you bring to any space.

If you are struggling, reset. It’s the button you are always carrying, right in your back pocket.

How do you reset if you’re having a hard time? Do you find it difficult? I’d love to hear…

In case you haven’t heard, I am offering a free ebook, “Tending Your Garden of Everyday Joy: 30 Reflections for a Flourishing Life.” It is my gift to you in appreciation when you sign up for the mailing list. Simply click here.

The Power of Vowing

“I pledge to meet you with openness and acceptance in the moments of our life together.”

These are the words that my partner and I will be saying to each other at our wedding ceremony next Friday. Yes, I’m getting married, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

The process of creating our ceremony has been revealing in unexpected ways. Over the years, I have made commitments to myself, but speaking a vow to my beloved in front of our family and friends is potent.

After all, I live with a great deal of integrity, so if I make a vow, I intend to keep it.

But I want this vow to be freeing – not loaded with should’s and feeling like a prison. So I take it as an expression of my deepest desire: to meet all of life with openness and acceptance.

Which includes being open and accepting of myself when I fall short.

You can think of it this way: the noun “vow” is lived as a verb. It is a living, breathing, spacious, loving way of being.

So I invite you to fill in the blank: I vow to….

Take your time with this. Get quiet, bring your attention inside, and let the answer come from the deepest part of your being.

Then watch how your life aligns in unimaginable ways.

Years ago I gathered my fragmented life and committed to knowing the absolute truth, no matter what. Some areas are still a work in progress, but here I am, marrying a man who is amazing, and the right match for me, beyond anything I could have ever dreamed up.

All I can say is, “Thank you.” I am on my knees with gratitude.

Have the courage to state what this life is about. Be conscious, awake, and infinitely loving. Every moment is more precious than you could ever know. Make a vow, and you won’t miss out on what you have been given.

Now it’s your turn. What do you vow to? Say it in the comments below, let it be known with all of us as witnesses. Then live it, and the rest will be taken care of perfectly.

Love to you,

Gail

PS: I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off, and I’ll be back with you later in February.

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10 Life-Changing Facts About Anger

anger“Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But, when I felt that anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me. I wanted to be free so I let it go.”
~Nelson Mandela upon leaving prison after 27 years of confinement

Frustrated, impatient, pissed off, raging…aaarrrrrrgh! Yes, it’s normal to feel angry – you are human, after all. But if anger causes problems in your life – if it interferes with your health and happiness – then consider these 10 life-changing facts. Get curious about anger, and you just might discover an untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes you up to the whole of life.

1. It’s easier to feel anger than hurt.

Anger tends to be a surface emotion. But if you look at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. Can you tell the truth to yourself about what you are actually feeling? Can you meet the depth of your experience with supreme kindness? You might be surprised at the freedom you discover.

2. Anger has a strong physical component.

Bring out the microscope when you are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness, contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical sensations.

Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t actually combust, I promise you. Be real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.

3. Perfectionists are angry.

Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine.

Don’t kid yourself – this is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies, then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.

4. Stories sustain anger.

Angry stories barrel through our minds like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. Yes, what happened happened. But how much longer are you going to let it be your ball and chain?

Here are some strategies to help you soften the story:

  • Open up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself.
  • Recognize that you are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly.
  • Bring your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
  • Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really want.

5. Anger comes from an overblown sense of self-importance.

Often, what underlies anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.” There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs of that “I” that causes separation and disharmony.

Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that they keep you locked into one way of thinking. Then inquire:

  • Am I really right?
  • Does this wanting to be right serve me – and others?
  • What does it mean to want my own way? What are the implications?

Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle the deepest knots that block your happiness.

6. Anger causes separation.

Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, makes them fight back or shut down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger. “How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar?

Remember that anger – or any reaction – is not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the situation will shift.

7. Anger gets attention.

Maybe you express anger because you want attention. Depending on the circumstance, this could be a useful strategy.

But consider this: there may be other ways for you to express yourself so that you are heard. Open up your mind and heart to all the possibilities.

8. Unexplored anger can mute your experience of life.

Are you sitting on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live? Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of their experience.

Are you asleep at the wheel, attached to inner peace and pleasant living? Exploring the seeds of anger can enliven you to all of life.

9. Anger can transform into useful action.

Taking in all the problems in the world can bring about a sense of injustice. Yet, if you move from anger, you are missing out on the whole picture.

Meet your anger with love and let your heart break open. Then move forward with actions that are wise and skillful.

10. Anger traps you.

The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you.

But there is an alternative: feel the sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally – revealing more and more deeply the essence of you.

How does anger impact your life? What is your experience of dealing with it? We’d all love to hear…

Note: This post is part of the Life-Changing Facts series. Check out the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and healing the pain of the past.

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Why Being Open Is the Key to Your Happiness

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Are you closed, defensive, or shut down in any area of your life? If so, then you know how to suffer. Here’s the recipe:

  • Don’t be open to new perspectives
  • Be unwilling to question your thoughts
  • Don’t try to think and act differently
  • Stay attached to your emotions and your need to be right
  • Fight for your right to continue being a victim
  • Resist getting help
  • Refuse to change

Not Necessarily Stuck

Suffering is inevitable in our human journey. We all experience challenges as we grow up. You learn strategies and develop beliefs that protect you when you are young, but ultimately don’t serve you.

You get conditioned to avoid, rebel, and mold yourself to please others.

And you act out patterns, unconsciously, without recognizing their origin. You might even wear them like a banner, defending your position and denying your need to change. This is the nature of being human, which touches into so much compassion for the tenderness of it all – in ourselves and others.

But here’s the clincher:

Suffering may be inevitable, but being stuck in suffering is not.

It’s miraculous that you can bring your attention into your inner world, question your thoughts and investigate the reality of your feelings, and discover that freedom is here – so close and available.

It’s amazing that it is possible dispel the distorted ideas and the needs and fears that drive you. And it all begins with openness.

Openness breathes fresh air into the stale cave of your conditioned habits.

The Value of Openness

You might be holding onto your habits like a cloak, but openness invites you into the purity of your heart prior to any conditioning. It suggests the possibility of being free of patterns and identities. It paves the way for returning to wholeness.

When you are open, you don’t assume anything to be true. You are innocent, like a baby. Humble and available. You are interested in inner reflection, and you lead from curiosity. You experiment and explore.

You can receive teachings and intelligent advice.  You shed ideas and attachments to discover the freedom that lies underneath them.

Opening to Resistance, Too

Openness may be the key to your happiness, but resistance needs to be respected. If you find yourself unwilling and stuck, can you open to that as well?

Be kind and accepting of yourself even when your heels are dug in and you refuse to budge. Let yourself be as you are in your defensiveness without adding another layer of resistance.

Feel what it’s like to be closed to its very core. Be totally stuck without the story of being stuck. Opening to this raw experience is the path back to yourself.

Openness is a virtue, and this virtue will set you free.

Where are you closed and stuck? Where are you open? I’d love to hear…

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