Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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The Beauty and Ease of Accepting Things as They Are

acceptingyes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skillfully curled)
all worlds
~e.e. Cummings

Not accepting things as they are is a fight against reality. It’s kind of crazy, really. Say that someone said something hurtful to you. You can wish they hadn’t said it forever, but the fact remains the same—they said what they said.

Say you did something you regret. You can wish you hadn’t done it, which could keep you stuck for a long time, but here’s the truth—you did what you did.

The problem with wishful thinking, wanting things to be different than they are, is that it’s agitating. It resists what’s real and keeps you ruminating and analyzing to try to make sense of it so that you feel better. But it doesn’t work, and it won’t bring you happiness.

It’s liberating to know that there’s another way: accepting things as they are.

What Is Acceptance?

Acceptance isn’t passive. It doesn’t mean that you’re resigned to a life of unhappiness, just putting up with things. Yes, you may accept that you feel anxious or eat too much junk food or you’re in a relationship that’s not working. But it doesn’t mean you’re stuck in these situations forever.

Accepting things as they are is a beautiful starting point that opens up possibilities you may have never considered.

  • It lets you build a foundation for your choices and actions based on truth.
  • You’re authentic and real rather than pretending or living in a fantasy about how you wish things were.
  • It offers clear seeing and insight that you’ve overlooked by turning a blind eye or keeping your head in the sand.
  • It empowers you.
  • It’s the path to a deep understanding that can guide you to the part of you that is whole, free, and untroubled.

Acceptance is the opposite of avoidance or denial. It’s a full-hearted, all-encompassing, enthusiastic and curious “Yes” to things as they are. It is open, welcoming, and ultimately freeing—like a breath of fresh air.

Are you resisting life? Then consider dipping your toe into the ocean of acceptance. It’s a beautiful place to be.

How to Accept

Acceptance is taking an honest look at things as they are right now. You let go of judging or interpreting. You don’t need to add the layer of feeling like a failure or victim because of the situation. Rather than turning away from what is, you turn toward it and receive what’s here with great compassion and understanding.

Here are some examples:

  • You can live forever waiting for an apology, or you can accept that it probably won’t happen.
  • You can continue with a habit that doesn’t serve you, say you drink too much, or you can accept that this is the reality and explore the underlying feelings.
  • You can keep procrastinating, or you can admit that you’re scared.
  • You can wish you had made different choices, or you can accept that you’re in the situation you’re in.

The Sacred Shift to Accepting

I invite you to feel into the profound shift that acceptance brings. Let’s use the first example to illustrate: you feel someone has wronged you and you’re waiting for an apology that’s not coming.

If this is you’re mindset, you’ve given up your power to the other. You’ve decided that the only way you can let go of the situation is to receive an apology, which is something you can’t control. And what is your inner experience? Bitter, sad, and resentful. You’re caught in thinking about the past a lot, and you’re fully missing everything that’s available to you now—the beauty and wonder of this now moment.

Shifting into acceptance, here’s what changes:

You acknowledge what happened in the past and you realize you’re keeping the past alive in your thoughts and feelings. So what’s true right now are your thoughts and feelings about the past, not what actually happened.

New possibility: Instead of repeating the same story over and over in your mind, can you welcome these feelings, lovingly, just as they are? Can you see that, in their pure form, they are just the energy of physical sensation and let them move through?

You accept that the other person has not apologized. No one knows if that will change in the future, but for now, the apology isn’t happening.

New possibility: You thought you needed this apology to feel at peace, but now you’re open to exploring other ways that you can control.

You realize you can be present with your reactions.

New possibility: You change how you relate to this whole problem by finding the deepest space of acceptance within to let your present moment experience be as it is. You notice that your experience comes and goes, but this space is always here, deeply accepting, your sanctuary.

No longer stuck on this problem, you’re available to the rest of life. It’s been here all along!

New possibility: You realize you can enjoy yourself, and you’re receptive to what’s here, seeing yourself, situations, and other people with fresh eyes.

When you decide to accept, you enter the world of authentic living. You see things as they are. You consider your options and choose wisely. You’re no longer willing to stay stuck.

And acceptance brings with it some secret, surprising side effects. Make it a practice to accept what is, and effortlessly, you’ll feel relief. What used to bother you is dealt with immediately. You’re spacious, peaceful, open to others, kind to yourself. And you find clarity in your choices moving forward.

You can spend your energy denying, defending, and avoiding, or you can accept. The choice is in your hands…

What About You?

Have you been denying and avoiding? What have you discovered when you shift to accepting? Please share in the comments—it helps everyone… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment.

Note: Please click here for information on our next live meeting in Santa Barbara.

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Is It Time to Come Out of Hiding?

out_of_hiding1

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
~Soren Kierkegaard

It takes so much energy to hide from yourself. And it’s such a relief to let yourself be seen.

You realize that you’re essentially whole, that who you are has never been broken or lost. Coming out of hiding is the choice that will begin to set you free.

Discover the Hidden Core

Hiding from ourselves is at the root of all suffering. Are you suffering? Then it’s guaranteed that you’re avoiding some part of your inner experience.

If you’re caught in feeling shameful or inadequate, if you feel alienated, confused, or alone, if your relationships are fiery or shut down—then some thought or feeling is there in you that hasn’t yet seen the light of day.

Do you find yourself playing out unsatisfying habits, even with your best intentions not to? There is a hidden core that remains unexamined.

  • You’re avoiding feelings that you’re afraid to experience.
  • You ignore the signals that appear in your body.
  • You take for granted that you’re small, limited, and lacking.

And the amazing secret is: you’re not only hiding from your feelings, you’re overlooking your true magnificence, the natural aliveness that is the essence of you. Yes!

Hiding Creates Inner Division

If you hide from your experience, you set up imaginary walls that determine which feelings are acceptable and unacceptable. A feeling arises, and your inner guard is on alert. Is it okay for that feeling to be experienced? Is it too painful and scary? Do I need to push it away and pretend it’s not there?

You end up feeling fragmented and insecure. And you spend your precious energy protecting, defending, and figuring out how to stay safe.

Coming Out of Hiding

Is it time to come out of hiding? Be fierce and gentle at the same time. Find the willingness within yourself to let everything be seen. It’s so freeing! And bring love and care to your experience as you shine the light on all your nooks and crannies. Be courageous, even fearless, with whatever you discover.

There’s really nothing to it, once you’re ready. Instead of turning your attention away into compulsive thinking, an activity, conversation, or any other way you know you distract yourself, turn your attention toward your experience. Just be curious to see what’s present.

When you have an emotional reaction to something or someone, rather than going into your mind or lashing out, be quiet with your own direct experience. It’s been given to you, so you have a choice: ignore or welcome, defend or embrace.

Ground yourself as the expansive field of presence that includes everything. Then feel what appears. Let your attention fall deeply into the sensations in your body. Simply be with them.

This is where the heart of any stuck emotion lies—in the physical sensations.

Each time an emotion arises, feel it in your body. You might start with 30 seconds, then a minute, then as much time as you need. Allow the sensations simply to be in the sacred embrace that accepts all.

True Welcoming

Sounds simple, right? Now, here’s the paradox. Welcoming emotions in order to get rid of them is not true welcoming. It’s like receiving a friend at your door and telling her she needs to leave as soon as you don’t want her there anymore. Doesn’t sound too friendly, does it?

There’s no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment. That’s the way to freedom, the way out of hiding.

Have no preference for what appears—just allow it as is. Don’t choose this and not that. Don’t separate your experience into what’s okay and not okay.

Be so patient as your long-lost feelings emerge from the darkness of your inattention. Don’t worry about the time it takes. Every moment offers the invitation to be completely at one with yourself.

When you give up the fight with your experience, what becomes apparent is this: the peace of being, the simplicity of pure presence. Your inner guard no longer has a job because there’s nothing to protect or defend.

You’ve come out of hiding. The veils are gone. And here you are—peaceful, alive, and at ease.

What About You

Have you come out of hiding? Are you resisting? Please share in the comments. I’d love to hear…

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The Way to Be with Emotions

way_to_be

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

~Rumi

Does this happen to you? No matter how much you want things to be different, here you are again with emotions grabbing you. You’re consumed in anger, overpowered by jealousy, or lost in pain.
When these common experiences visit you, which they will, how do you meet them? With frustration and resistance, just wanting them to go away?
There must be a kinder way for us to be with ourselves…

What Doesn’t Work

Here are some ways we struggle with our feelings:

  • You don’t like how you feel, but you don’t know what to do about it.
  • When you’re caught in emotions, you do and say things you regret.
  • Your attempts to change them fail, so you feel resigned to feeling that way forever.

No wonder you feel frustrated. Let’s go a little deeper to understand how you get locked in the grip of feelings…and learn the kind way of being with them.

Moving Toward

If you move toward emotions, you indulge them. You build dramatic stories around them and think and talk about them with great relish. You might say some version of, “I’m so upset! Can you believe he did that?”
Moving toward emotions keeps them very much alive in you with no chance for relief.

Moving Against

If you move against emotions, you fight them. You hate how you feel. Your attempts to control the feelings don’t work, but you are at a loss as to what to do about them. Your body feels like it’s on fire, and before you know it, you’ve said hurtful words.
People who move against often feel anger and frustration. You may even justify how you feel, which keeps the feeling locked firmly in place.

Moving Away

Moving away from emotions may be the most common reaction. Instead of calmly opening to what’s present, you avoid them like the plague, eating or drinking to excess, staying overly busy, and getting stuck in endless thinking. Anything so you don’t have to feel them.
An ignored emotion stays hidden, and a hidden emotion is at the root of inadequacy, self-criticism, shame, relationship troubles, and addictions.
What do these strategies have in common?
  • Emotions stay stuck.
  • You are afraid of feeling it.
  • You resist experiencing what’s actually here in the present moment.

The Way to Be: Not Moving

But there’s another option, and it’s the one that will set you free. Rather than trying to fix your emotions by moving toward, against, or away, consider not moving at all.
An emotion appears, and you stop. You feel caught in its grip, and you take a conscious breath. With the desire for freedom alive in your heart, you lovingly turn toward the feeling, and say, “Hello.”
The lump of sadness in your chest? Welcome it like a long lost friend knocking on your door. The fire of anger? Let it burn if it wants to.
Your mind may try to convince you to avoid your feelings. But don’t believe it. Go beyond the fear to meet what’s being offered to you as a holy gift.
Stop believing you’re damaged and instead bring the power of loving infinite awareness to meet the emotions and anything else arising in the moment. It’s the way in to discovering the peace you long for.
Offer the sacred temple of loving presence to your emotions. It’s the wise and kind way to be.

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Shhh…Just Be Quiet

shhh“How can I be still? By flowing with the stream.”
~Lao-tzu

“Give your attention to the experience of seeing rather than to the object seen and you will find yourself everywhere.”
~Rupert Spira

There is a great power that is well within your reach. It’s the simplest thing. It takes very little time, it’s available always, and has the potential to radically transform your experience.

Do you want to stop feeding negative and damaging thought patterns? Do you want to be peaceful and at ease?

It’s the first step to freedom: shhh…just be quiet.

Be quiet? In the middle of all the noise? It’s revolutionary.

Everything in the world pulls for our attention. We are so used to being captivated by thoughts, consumed by emotions, and propelled forward by demands and desires. It’s obsessive and exhausting, yet it’s how many of us live.

Just a few minutes of quiet gives you space from this noise. It returns you to your natural state. It exposes the insanity of mindless habits that don’t serve which allows you to be fully aware of the choices being made.

The Value of Quiet

I recently reflected on my path in the search for truth and relief from confusion. Decades of therapy did next to nothing to get to the root of the problem. But everything started to shift when I began to meditate.

Instead of running full force into frantically trying to fix everything about myself that I thought was wrong, I stopped. During several meditation retreats years ago, in the vastness of the desert, layers of pain were set free. It was uncomfortable, intense, and joyous.

And it started with the willingness to be quiet.

Be Like the Sky

Being quiet, stopping, doing nothing is so simple. You sit down, close your eyes, and experience whatever is present.

The goal is not to stop thoughts or make anything change. Rather, it’s about simply allowing whatever arises to be there as it is.

Thoughts and stories? No problem. Emotions? No problem. Just let everything be.

Our normal tendency is to think, feel, figure out, do. When you are quiet, you shift your attention to the space in which everything arises in, so the doing part stops.

You are like the sky, with any kind of cloud welcome to pass through. Whether or not there are clouds, you are simply here, present, at peace.

The Nuts and Bolts of Being Quiet

If you’re not used to being quiet, start small. Just a minute or two when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep is a good beginning.

You might sit in your car for an extra minute before you go on to continue your day.

Or you might spend a half hour or more quietly being. It’s up to you. Once you get started, you’ll know what is needed.

It might feel awkward or scary at first, which is always the case when things are new. Be brave and commit to spending time in quiet for maybe every day for the next week. Give it a chance. Just do it as an experiment to see what it’s like.

Here are some times when being quiet is especially helpful:

  • When you’re caught up in emotions
  • When something has triggered you
  • When you’re consumed by thinking (Hint: notice sensations in your body)
  • When you know you are avoiding admitting the truth to yourself
  • When you’re feeling stressed or out of sorts
  • For no reason at all.

Try it out without any expectation, and simply let things unfold effortlessly. Who knows what will happen?

What Quiet Reveals

It’s radical to realize that you can have space from thoughts and feelings which sets in motion the possibility that they don’t have to dominate your life.

Then you are free of conditioned habits, fully conscious, and awake to presence that is overflowing with everything that is needed.

Shhh…just be quiet. Stop and be. No stress, no separation, no drama or discontinuity in your experience. Very simple…being who you are.

What is your experience with being quiet? What are the challenges? I’d love to hear…

Note: Please check out this beautiful project and book called “RE:INVENT” by reader and artist Derick Tsai and friends inspired by his friend with ALS .

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What Is Asking for Your Openness?

open“Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.”
~Lao Tzu

There is no end to the kindness that is possible. And it starts at home with ourselves.

Right now, feel into the possibility of being infinitely kind within yourself. You resist nothing. You don’t feed mental stories that make you unhappy, which means you no longer believe self-critical thoughts or judgments of others. You welcome your feelings and befriend them rather than turning away.

Not only are you open to what is present, you are openness itself. Everything coming and going within you – thoughts, habits, needs, perceptions of yourself as a separate being – and here you are – alive, receptive, completely at peace with it all.

Happiness? Contentment? Fulfillment? So obvious when you know you are this openness that excludes nothing. Already overflowing, you realize that not one extra thing is needed.

Closing Down Denies Openness

This is our natural state. But what keeps us from expanding into openness? Fear.

We are afraid of discomfort; we fear the idea of encountering the unknown or losing control. We convince ourselves that closing down is necessary to survive, and we avoid the consequences of honest and real truth-telling like the plague.

We get so used to our habitual ways of being that we can’t let ourselves experience things differently.

When we close down, we wall ourselves off from our own experience. A difficult feeling comes up – can’t go there. Disappointment, an old grudge, an unmet need – these throw you off and leave you scrambling to try to find equilibrium once again.

All of this effort and doing saps energy. It’s what leaves us discontented, depleted, stressed, and sick.

And at the root of it, the idea of ourselves as separate entities that need to be protected stays firmly intact. It’s like constantly being at war, keeping the enemy from taking us over.

And the enemy is simply your own experience.

Yet we desperately long to relax and simply be. We yearn to drop all the effort it takes to close down and let everything in. Somehow we know that peace is possible.

How We Close

Let’s explore how we close down, how we turn away from ourselves. Let me count the ways:

  • We avoid feelings
  • We live in stories of regret and blame
  • We think we are insufficient or lacking, which keeps us caught in the cycle of seeking attention and approval
  • We believe thoughts about all the terrible things that might happen
  • We focus only on thinking (living in the head), while ignoring the rest of our experience
  • All compulsive, addictive, mind-numbing (and heart-numbing) behaviors

Closing down is not our natural, unconditioned state – that is openness. Closing is a habit, a well-worn path for many of us, a choice we make when we are afraid or don’t know what else to do.

It is often the product of decades of avoiding feelings and spinning stories endlessly that make us suffer.  In that sense, it is understandable, but it doesn’t support awakening/happiness/peace.

Glorious Openness

So what to do with this habit of closing down? Open…open…open… In openness, you move from tunnel vision and rigidity to space and infinite possibility.

You really can put down all the efforting it takes to close down and instead flow like water.

You know, in your heart of hearts, what is asking for openness.

  • A feeling that’s been buried long ago
  • A story or belief that you know doesn’t serve you
  • An old habit
  • An identity, a way of thinking about yourself, that is limiting and painful – and untrue.
  • A strong physical sensation
  • Any inner experience that is masking happiness.

Being open may be scary at first. You don’t know what it will be like, and you don’t know what you will discover. But take it from me, the water’s fine in here. Simply put your toe in to start.

Instead of being scared, be curious. Recognize what you have been avoiding and turn towards it. Investigate the feeling – it won’t bite. See that the story you have been telling yourself like a broken record doesn’t serve. It’s just words – blah, blah, blah.  Explore what it might be like to not hold onto your personal identities so strongly.

Openness is a love letter to yourself. It holds everything without one iota of resistance.

Inhabit openness. Live here gloriously. Feelings may come and go, but they are no problem. Simply be the openness that you are. Eternal resting as peace…

What is it like to close down, to open? What are you waiting for? I’d love to hear…