Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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10 Life-Changing Ways to Move Through Shame

shame“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~C.G. Jung

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
~Brené Brown

Shame. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling. So uncomfortable that you may not even want to read this post. You think that if you leave it hidden in the shadows, outside of conscious awareness, maybe, just maybe, you can pretend it’s not there.

But it is. And for some of us, it’s dug in deep.

If shame stays where it is, unseen and unexplored, it will continue to affect you. How? It’s behind the self-critical voice in your head, many unsatisfying dynamics in relationships, feelings of lack and unworthiness, and choices that keep you from fully living.

Shame is so personal! It’s a painful feeling of humiliation—that you’ve done something wrong or that there’s something disgraceful or embarrassing about you. It’s the secret emotion that can sit in you like a poison.

And the last thing you want to do is bring it out in the open. You think that all that will do is highlight your worst fears about yourself.

But here’s the possibility for you—the light that can begin to untangle shame:

If you explore it skillfully, if you navigate shame with wisdom and heart, you find tenderness, compassion, courageous vulnerability, and the relief that comes from no longer hiding from yourself—or keeping yourself hidden from others and the world.

You move from feeling oh, so separate and alienated to being more at ease with yourself and your own experience. The boundaries that disconnect you from everyone and everything begin to fall away. Almost like being born anew, you are open, light, and available to life.

You can make the choice to let your pain rule you by keeping it in the shadows. Or you can befriend, explore, and welcome it into the light of conscious awareness. How? Here are 10 potentially life-changing ways to move through shame.

Getting to Know Shame

1. Be a courageous explorer

If you’re just beginning to explore shame, you’re going into foreign territory. Just like the ancient adventurers who took to the sea not knowing what they would find, be courageous, curious, and open.

And when it comes to pain, discover the most compassionate place within you to receive it.

Practice: Set the stage for your exploration of shame. Bring your attention inside, and touch into the qualities of curiosity, wonder, openness, and compassion that are natural to who you are. Find them, then stay with feeling them for a while.

2. Find the gap

You might be very used to feeling shame, but you may not know it well. In fact, you may have been trying to avoid it at all costs because it’s so painful.

But here we take a different approach by befriending your experience. What is shame exactly? How does it feel? How does it appear in your thoughts about the past and yourself?

Answering these questions requires you to step back from being completely consumed by shame so you can gain some psychological distance. It’s the gap that begins to set you free. Imagine you’re studying an object you’ve never seen before to figure out what it does. Just like that, create a bit of space between you and your experience of feeling shame.

Now you’re relating to shame in a new way. You can study it, inquire about it, and see what it is—this feeling that’s had such an impact on you.

Practice: Find a small gap between you and shame. See that you can observe your experience and be curious about what you discover.

3. What’s the story?

Shame doesn’t appear from nowhere. It’s a form of conditioning that inhabits your mind, heart, body, and spirit. Maybe you were somehow made to feel ashamed of yourself when you were young – ashamed of who you are, your level of intelligence, your body.

There might be a story of shame that you’ve carried for a long time, but it’s actually a role you’ve taken on that is optional. Start to tell yourself that this shame story doesn’t have to define you.

Remember that who you are is not this story. Your essence is whole, not separate from anything, and boundlessly free.

Practice: Stand up and feel yourself in that familiar story of shame. Yes, right now! Just try it. Now, take a big step to one side and leave the story behind. Feel yourself minus the story. This is the possibility for you.

4. How does shame live in your body?

Every emotion has a physical component to it. Getting to know shame includes knowing how it lives in your body.

It may take some time to discover the physical experience of shame because it’s become so commonplace to you. Get quiet and bring your attention to your body. Then notice any physical sensations and places of numbness. You don’t need to do anything about them.

This is an exercise in simply meeting in open awareness what has been there anyway. It’s about making friends with the physical part of shame.

When you realize you don’t need to live the story of shame and you become aware of the sensations, the heaviness of this identity begins to dissolve. It’s the road to freedom.

Practice: As much as possible, a hundred times a day if necessary, bring your attention into your body and just be with whatever is happening. There’s no need to do anything; just simply be.

Going Deeper

5. How you speak to yourself

Our inner self-talk can be so painfully harsh. And if you look at the root of what drives it, you’ll find shame, that feeling that there’s something terribly wrong—or worse—about you. Once you begin meeting the shame directly—by not being so captured by the story and feeling the physical sensations—this way of speaking to yourself starts to not even make sense anymore.

Let’s tell the truth. Are you actually that incompetent, inadequate so-and-so you think you are? If you look at these inner statements with the objective eyes of a scientist, you’ll be able to punch holes in them immediately.

By now, this negative self-talk is a habit that needs your attention, and the more intelligent focus you give it, the more it will unravel. Commit to recognizing this voice and letting its reign over you diminish.

Practice: Start by assuming that this damaging inner voice isn’t accurate and doesn’t serve. This is the truth. At least once every day, turn your attention away from these self-critical thoughts and let them float on by like clouds. Be the sky—vast, empty, and serene. Start to live here as much as possible and the critical thoughts begin to lose their power.

6. Know how and why you isolate

Living with shame is lonely and isolating. It makes you believe that no one would want to get close to you, which justifies your pushing them away. How do you do that? By being critical and judgmental of others.

Recognizing the urge to isolate is essential to moving through shame. Because it is a sign that your shame identity has taken charge. When you find yourself judging others and feeling separate, this is your golden moment to begin asking questions about your experience. What story do you believe? How do you feel in your body?

Not judging shame and welcoming it instead is the beginning of forming a new, healthy relationship—with yourself. Then you don’t need to be critical of others or push them away. You’re more available, authentic, and courageously vulnerable. And others will love you for it.

Practice: Recognize when you judge others and realize this is about you: it makes you feel separate. Is shame at the root of this need to separate? Inquire into what you’re thinking and feeling. Realize the possibility of a true connection with others.

7. Is there fear there?

Shame and fear often go hand in hand. You’re afraid of being seen for who you are. And at the same time, you fear being alone. You’re afraid you’re damaged goods, doomed to a life of misery.

As you get to know shame, become aware of various fears that may be lurking. Bring fear, too, out of the shadows and meet it lovingly.

Practice: Check to see if fear is present. Let down your resistance and allow it in, especially how it appears in your body. Like a long-lost child returning home, embrace the fear. Let it be there for as long as it wants to.

Moving Forward

8. Find the strength in being vulnerable

Vulnerability gets a bad rap these days. But what it actually offers you is the relief from having to hide from yourself, the simplicity of just being as you are without having to change anything.

Whatever you feel is your present moment experience. Resisting it creates endless suffering, and welcoming it in is the path to inner peace. This is the medicine for the secret of shame.

Be as you are. Not in the story of who you think you are that is denigrating and destructive—you’ve lived there long enough. Instead, shift your attention away from these thoughts, and allow your current experience as it is. These sensations…this breath…touching…hearing…looking…speaking…

It’s so relaxing because you don’t have to hide or grasp. You can just be.

Practice: Begin to get comfortable being with whatever you are experiencing in any given moment. Start with just a few moments until you see that it’s OK, that whatever you’re afraid will happen, won’t. Then, more and more, let yourself be.

9. Sacred honesty—with yourself

When you live in shame, you are constantly lying to yourself. You draw yourself into a trance that makes you believe you are inadequate, unworthy, and just plain wrong. The truth? It’s just plain inaccurate.

Healing from shame invites radical honesty. Are you up for it?

Whenever you are feeling separate and lacking, question your experience. Find the gap (#2 above), and recognize the thoughts and feelings in your body that have taken hold.

Then realize that who you are is so much more than this identity. To be perfectly honest, you are whole, unbroken, and infinitely at peace. Keep returning here. Become more and more transparent so the light of truth shines through.

Practice: Investigate your direct experience with a discerning eye to see what is true and what is false. Live in the truth of yourself as whole, full, pure, and capable.

10. Wide open heart

Shame is all about limitation, holding back, and keeping yourself separate and isolated. And where is your heart? Wounded, stuck, and closed.

Begin to live with a heart wide open. Move your attention outside of your head to notice the beauty and tenderness around you. It’s been there all along, you just haven’t noticed. Let yourself be touched by the simple experiences of daily life.

Shame is a filter that keeps you from life, and dissolving the filter leaves you available and receptive. Without even trying, you begin to notice love and appreciation. Where before you held back, now you engage.

Recovering from shame opens you to being fully alive!

Practice: Find within you the courage to begin to open your heart. Instead of being absorbed in shame, experience things—and people—with fresh eyes. When you notice that you are closed, open…open…open…

What About You?

Are you caught in shame? Believe me, you are not alone. Have you discovered how to move through it? I’d love to hear…and if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment.

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Recovering the Lost Art of Everyday Wonder

everyday_wonder“The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.”
~Henry Miller

Is life feeling dull, boring, and ho-hum? Then I invite you to connect with everyday wonder. Wonder? What is that? And how do we find it in the midst of our routine daily lives?

It’s Not in Your Mind

Wonder is available to you right now, and always. It’s here in this very moment—not as a concept, but as your living reality. It’s the mixture of surprise and awe we feel when we encounter something amazing, unexpected, and new. We come alive to what’s actually here, not assuming anything or taking things for granted.

Here’s what’s important to know about wonder: it’s experienced outside the limited space of your mind. If your thoughts control you, what’s your experience? Ruminating about what you should have done, brooding about what isn’t going right, and worrying about the future.

If your attention is lost in your mind, the possibility of wonder seems a million miles away.

Every moment is always fresh and new. This moment, as it is right now, has never occurred before and never will again.

If this is so, then why do things feel familiar, routine, and stale? Where is the freshness, the wonder?

Present at the Heart of Everything

If things seem familiar to you, you’re experiencing them through the lens of your memories, not as they actually are.

Take a look at a common object, say a table. How do you know it’s a table? Your mind has learned that tables have certain characteristics that match the object you’re looking at.

What if, just for a moment, you could forget the word table and all your memories about tables? Now, take a look at it and see it directly as it is.

You’ll notice a completely different experience. You don’t know what it is or what it does. You’re curious and open. It comes alive to you!

Now, imagine forgetting all your memories, including frustrations, resentments, and worries. How would the world look to you then? What if you didn’t carry the past or future into your present moment experience?

Zen Buddhists speak of “beginner’s mind.” When we stop seeing the world through memory, we are always beginners, innocent and open, just like a child. We have a visceral experience of everything that is undeniably real. We are infinitely curious.

Problems and stresses dissolve, if only for a moment—they can’t exist without memory.

Wonder is pure experiencing without labeling, comparing, or analyzing. It’s closer and more available than you could ever imagine—at the heart of everything once you ignore your thoughts about it.

When you directly experience things, without the veil of thought, you feel them, sense them, and come to know their aliveness.

Experiencing Wonder

Life is right here, always available to be experienced as it is. In celebration of wonder, forget what you know, and try these:

  • Eat a raisin. Place a raisin in your palm. Experience it through your senses, not your memories, then take a glorious bite.
  • Close your eyes. Enter a familiar room, and close your eyes. Move around the room touching objects as you go. Be curious about what these things are actually like.
  • Open your heart. Be with someone you know as if for the first time. Forget all your memories, and stand before them with nothing in the way.

As you can see, wonder is less than a nanosecond away. It turns the ordinary into something absolutely extraordinary. Let yourself know nothing…and reality sparkles with everyday wonder…

A version of this article was first published on the Huffington Post.

How to De-Stress, Unwind, and Come Home to Yourself

de-stress

“Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses.”
~Arlen Price

I haven’t experienced stress for quite a long time—until recently. All of a sudden, I found myself anxious, pressured, and ruled by my to-do list which contains way too many things to accomplish.

I know how it happened—it’s the way any habit takes hold. In a moment of unconsciousness, a thought seems to be meaningful and important. It feeds a story about things to do and not enough time to do them. It shows up as tension in the body. And a veil of stress descends as pleasure and enjoyment in the doing melt away.

Sure, I can apply some techniques to reduce stress. I can take deep breaths, exercise, and get massages, all of which I do. But these are temporary fixes. I don’t want to live under the shadow of impending stress, hoping I can find some relief.

I want to get to the source of the problem so I can be free of it. I want true, abiding peace. Why? Because it’s possible.

What I know to be absolutely true is that my essential nature is not capable of stress. There has to be a way to return to peace. And there is.

So let’s explore what we call stress because I’m far from the only one on the planet who experiences it. In the spirit of clear seeing, let’s bring out the laser to investigate:

  • What exactly is the direct experience of stress?
  • What does it take to shift from peace to stress?

An Opportunity for Exploration

It’s not wrong to feel stress, or anything for that matter. I know it’s a platitude to say that every experience is your teacher, but it’s true. Every single thing that occurs is either about fear or love.

If it comes from love, there’s nothing to do but enjoy and celebrate. But if it’s about fear, there is an opportunity for an empowering insight that can set you free. So let’s see what stress has to offer.

Stressful Mind

Events and happenings in the world aren’t inherently stressful. They just occur. What makes them stressful is the thoughts you have about them.

Stressful thoughts evaluate, compare, and make the present seem like it’s inadequate. They create a story of urgency. Things have to get done, they’re so important, and something terrible will happen if the list doesn’t get accomplished.

When stressful thoughts are in control, who’s the victim? You. Your whole reality centers around doing what they require of you in hopes that they will just stop. If only you push yourself to do the impossible, then maybe you will feel a smidgeon of peace. It’s a setup for…more stress.

And where are wisdom, intelligence, and clarity? Hidden behind the fog of thought. In order to access them, you need to look outside of your thoughts.

When you are feeling stressed:

  • Take a moment to become aware of the way you are thinking about the situation.
  • Recognize that these are distorted thoughts that don’t serve peace and happiness.
  • Find those lovely, transcendent qualities of wisdom, intelligence, and clarity, and establish yourself in them.
  • You have returned home. Now go forth from here.

Take away the urgency, and see everything with fresh eyes. Stress is replaced by wise choosing and efficient action.

Stressful Body

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that stress has a physical component. Tightness in the chest and shoulders, a stomach in knots—these are hallmarks of a body in stress. Let these go unchecked, and the body may start trying to get your attention with all sorts of physical problems.

You are unlikely to see through to the truth of what stress actually is without attention to the physical sensations. You can shift your attention away from stressful thoughts, but until you acknowledge the physical sensations, you are primed for more stress. Because unseen physical sensations are the seed for a slew of troublesome habits.

I know these sensations can be very uncomfortable. But running from them leaves the pattern of stress locked into place. So they are asking you to turn your loving attention toward them. It’s very simple.

  • Rest your attention in welcoming presence.
  • Notice whatever is appearing in your body.
  • Let the sensations be. They will do what they will do—change, intensify, decrease, disappear.
  • Be very accepting of whatever happens without any preference.

That’s it. You are so beautifully embracing your experience. You aren’t attached to what happens. You are simply being with what is, effortlessly present.

And remember this: the goal is not to make the sensations go away. This is resistance, and it won’t work anyway. You are not making anything happen; you are simply ignoring the mental noise and being with what is.

You experience the sensations without acting on them.

Freedom

Stressful thoughts and physical sensations come together to create the experience of stress. And both are a doorway to knowing your true nature as free of stress and fundamentally at peace.

Recognize the distorted stressful thoughts and live only in what is true. Welcome physical sensations with full awareness, and they are less likely to trigger stressful thinking. Be honest about what habits originate from stress. Intelligent exploration of thoughts and sensations creates the space for them to unwind.

Then question the one who experiences stress. Let the sense of you as separate from the world fall away, and see yourself as the all. The undivided universe is powered by love.

And stress is no match whatsoever for the power of love.

What About You?

Are you stuck in stress? Can you find your way back to peace? Sharing is most welcome…

Note for Santa Barbara locals: I’m hosting a meeting called Living in Truth. Please go to the Events page for information.

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Change Is Beautiful

change_is_beautiful“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

I love change. In fact, isn’t that what’s happening in every moment?

The unfolding of life is constantly fresh and new. It’s always overflowing with potential—letting an old story fall away, taking a breath instead of recycling an old habit, meeting someone you know with no baggage from the past, finally listening to yourself.

Every moment serving up the possibility of freedom from constricting beliefs and the tug of familiar emotions. Peace is the changeless ground of being, and change is celebration of the living reality of our everyday lives.

Goodbye, Hello

In the spirit of change, I am excited to announce that it’s time to say “goodbye” to A Flourishing Life and “hello” to new opportunities. Writing this blog for well over three years has been an amazing experience.

I am grateful for my connection with each of you, readers from around the world. I’ve grown as a writer and clarified the ways I communicate what I love the most: the conscious knowing of the deepest happiness, present moment living so tender and alive.

I am happy to say that the blog will continue, but it becomes part of a larger offering. I have written a book that will be published later this year (very exciting!). And the name change of this site—to GailBrenner.com—makes room for the blog, book, and other ways I might contribute.

The Way of Yes

The forthcoming book is called, “The Way of Yes: Finding Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life.” It offers a bridge between the common problems we experience in everyday life and the spiritual understanding that will set us free.

Yes, freedom from problems is possible. The inner critic? Feelings of inadequacy? Stuck in pain from the past? In the Way of Yes, we start where we are to discover that peace is right here—once we see through the habits of mind and feelings that hijack us.

We go from living the Way of No—rejecting, resisting, avoiding, pretending—to finding the Yes! in every moment. And I can tell you that the land of Yes! is infinitely peaceful, all-embracing, endlessly loving.

The book, “The Way of Yes” is a new presentation flowing through my heart to yours. Not a compilation of blog posts, it offers a very careful guide to realizing your true nature. We walk together from problems to real solutions, from the sense that you are broken to the knowing that you are already everything you ever wanted.

The book is being prepared for publication and will be available some time later this year. In April or May, I’ll launch a new website with a fresh design. And all along, I’ll continue to post regularly here at GailBrenner.com.

Living the Yes!

The past few months have been a time of tremendous opening for me. I’ve been shown so clearly the mindsets that held me back. And each time an old thinking pattern was revealed, I saw the fallacy of it. “I couldn’t finish such a large project.” “What if no one cares?” “What if everyone cares?” I could have let these thoughts deter me.

But instead, I took a stand in truth—every time. And now? No limits, no barriers. Every cell of my being is completely available to whatever happens.

Life is so generous in that it endlessly offers opportunities and drops them right at our feet. It takes a clear mind and open heart to notice and the willingness to live true to act. The mind can come up with an array of excuses and justifications—in my case, more than I was consciously aware of.

But in every moment, the call is the same: to say Yes! to life.

What About You?

Now, I’m wondering about you. Are you answering the call? What holds you back? How do you say Yes? And No? Please share in the comments below. Believe me, you are not alone in whatever you are struggling with, and sharing benefits everyone.

Reflecting on these questions is the beginning of lifting the veils. We tell the truth. We feel the pain of self-betrayal.

And we live in the exquisite boldness of a life fulfilled.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you will write a book or quit your day job. The bold action for you might be to meet a loved one undefended, to not check your email for the zillionth time, to spend the extra moment with someone who needs it. And to realize who you are when fear and deficiency are seen through—infinitely peaceful, powered by love.

When you get out of the way, life, bursting with infinite potential, is right here, waiting for your kind and patient attention.

Comments? Questions? I’d love to hear…

A note to subscribers: If you receive posts by email or RSS feed, you don’t need to do a thing—delivery will continue as is. My twitter name has changed to @GBGailBrenner, but everyone who was following has been transferred to the new account. And I’m working on Facebook—it’s more complicated. Technology! I’m becoming more of an expert than I ever thought was possible.

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Is Your Comfort Zone Really That Comfortable?

comfortzone“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”

~Eugene Ionesco

Who doesn’t want to be comfortable? I love it when I have everything I need, when I’m relaxed, when I’m sitting in a cozy chair and I feel at ease with the people I’m with. All is well.

But there is this imaginary place we call our “comfort zone,” and I’m wondering if it is really all that comfortable.

What Is the Comfort Zone?

Let’s explore this idea of a comfort zone to see if it is actually supporting you and your happiness. What is it exactly?

  • It is not a real place. It is an idea created by you.
  • Its function is to keep you feeling safe.
  • It is what you know and are familiar with in all areas of your life—relationships, choices, how you spend your time—even thoughts patterns and feelings.
  • It excludes things you are afraid of or uncomfortable with.

Your comfort zone doesn’t sound like a bad place to be—unless you are comfortable with disharmonious relationships you avoid working on, unfulfilling behavior patterns, resentments from the past, and beliefs about yourself and the world that limit you.

It’s about keeping the status quo. And what is the force behind it? Fear.

It’s All About Fear

If you have a comfort zone, you must also have a discomfort zone. And what’s out there in the discomfort zone? All those experiences you are afraid of. Consider these:

  • Emotions you have been avoiding;
  • Changes that seem risky;
  • Potential and possibility that you aren’t allowing yourself to see;
  • The unknown, outside of what you believe to be true;
  • Ease with whatever life brings you;
  • The freshness of life unfolding as it is.

Living in your comfort zone divides the whole of reality into areas that are acceptable and unacceptable. It is a mind-created, fear-based division that requires you to manage your life experience so you don’t stray into unfamiliar territory.

Although you stay safe, you draw imaginary lines in the totality of what is possible that keep you stuck, scared, and dissatisfied. Feeling worthless, small, or doubtful, spinning your wheels in old baggage, thinking of yourself as a victim, habits that don’t serve—these are the province of the comfort zone.

The comfort zone may be safe, but what does it deny? Enthusiasm, wonder, curiosity, and infinite possibility beyond the mind’s limits. Is it really that comfortable?

Out Beyond Comfort

If you want your experience to be different than it is, if you’re not happy, then you are being offered a golden invitation—to go outside your comfort zone and get to know discomfort.

Sometimes life throws us out there whether we want it or not. Your wife says she wants a divorce, tragedy strikes, you watch your child going down a troubled path, you win the lottery. These are life-changing experiences that shatter our ideas about how things should be and make us reconsider everything.

But you don’t need to wait for an extreme life event. Connect with your heart and see what you really want. I doubt you’re truly comfortable playing it safe.

So what to do? Get comfortable with discomfort.

Realize that staying in the comfort zone takes effort and vigilance. It resists what is. It hides from what is true. It makes you believe you are fraction of who you really are.

Step away from playing it safe, and you enter the world of possibility. You stop basing your life on what is false and instead tell the truth.

  • Let yourself feel the fear that has been driving you, then don’t let it rule.
  • Experience the emotions that underlie your compulsive habits. It’s the only way to be free of them.
  • Have the hard conversations that you know will clean up your life. And it might be a conversation with yourself.
  • Be willing to answer the call to leap into the unknown.
  • Question every single way you define who you are to see if it is actually true.

You are welcome to stay in the comfort zone, if that is your preference. But be willing to tell the truth: is it really that comfortable?

Are you afraid of discomfort? Have you stepped out of your comfort zone? I’d love to hear…

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Note: Here is the video of a panel I moderated at the Science and Nonduality Conference. Topic is Spiritual Teaching, Psychotherapy, and the Quest for the Truth. Enjoy!