Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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The Graceful Path of Emotions

graceful_path_emotions“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
~William James

“If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase.”
~Epictetus

If you want to be happy and at ease in your everyday life, you need to be wise about what to do with feelings. Hiding from feelings or having them run wild in you, neither of these will bring you peace.

In the last post, I said, “Don’t follow feelings,” a proposition that resonated for some of you but raised questions for others. So let’s look more closely at the landscape of feelings.

Let These Unfold in You

Be aware. Sometimes you can’t help but be aware of feelings. They stare you in the face or completely consume you. But more often than you might realize, feelings sit below the surface of your conscious awareness.

If you are unhappy, confused, or stuck in frustrating habits, unseen feelings are likely to be the cause. Let yourself open to the feelings that may be present by simply being aware of them.

Be very clear about what a feeling is. Bring a laser-like curiosity to your experience of feelings to discover what they actually are. Just saying, “I feel sad,” or “I feel angry” isn’t the whole picture. When you take an honest look, you will see that what we call a feeling is a set of physical sensations and a story running in your mind. This story is probably very familiar to you, as it has been recycled millions of times. So go deeper and realize that there are physical sensations in your body.

This understanding is key because it pierces through the power that feelings can have. When you get that the story is unsatisfying and doesn’t serve, you can turn your attention away from it. And you can notice physical sensations, which are not a problem at all when seen in isolation as merely sensation with no story attached.

Welcome feelings. Be open and aware so you don’t fight the feeling. It’s very simple. You just turn toward it and say hello. Hello, fear. Hello anger. Then look straight into it to see what the feeling is – a label, a story, and physical sensations. Without feeding the content of the story, let all of it be.

Welcoming feelings takes away their power and offers the space for your natural, vibrant life to be revealed.

Realize that feelings are temporary. What makes feelings get stuck is recycling the associated story in your mind. When you are no longer interested in the story, you see that feelings come and go, if you let them, just like clouds passing overhead. And here you are, the stable presence in which all of it arises.

Let These Fall Away

Avoiding and resisting makes things worse. Avoidance of feelings is at the root of compulsions, addictions, and all matter of troublesome behavior. You can’t choose wisely if you are propelled by unseen emotions. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, acknowledge the feelings and learn how to work with them intelligently.

Want feelings to stay stuck? Feed the story. The story starts with the label of your experience, as in, “I’m furious right now.” And it goes on with a whole melodrama about what should and shouldn’t have happened. This is a kind of resistance to what is as you are rolling unpleasant thoughts around in your head rather than experiencing what is actually present.

Turning away from stories, especially very familiar ones, leaves you available to notice what is actually here. You stop thinking about what is happening and instead experience directly what is happening.

Don’t follow feelings. If your life is not as harmonious as you want it to be, you are most likely letting feelings guide your decisions. You feel an old resentment, so you stew about it or show up at a family gathering ready to take things personally or make impulsive choices so you don’t have to actually deal with your feelings. Maybe you feed fear which makes you limit yourself in so many painful ways.

If feelings are unexplored, they will have control over you. But when you know what feelings are present – and you know that you want peace and sanity in your life – you can make beautiful, wise, conscious choices that support your happiness that are not driven by feelings.

In a Crisis…

Chronic feelings are the ones that feed familiar ongoing habits that leave you dissatisfied and unfulfilled. And these are the ones that are asking for your direct and loving attention.

But acute feelings may require a different approach. In the middle of a life crisis, when you are dealing with tragedy, loss, or grief, your emotions may be so strong, so consuming that you can’t step back and be aware of them.

In these situations, focus instead on your moment-to-moment self-care. Be around supportive people. Eat well and exercise as best you can. Get professional help, if needed. Painful feelings may come in waves, so let them be, and notice the times when the feelings subside.

Eventually, you will know when the time is ripe for you to reflect on what has happened so your heart stays open. But be gentle with yourself, no need to rush it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once you realize that feelings don’t have to control you, they start to lose importance. The drama ends, and you realize you are conscious and alive in the moments of your life. That is how it has always been, but you were too caught up in feelings to notice. How amazing to recognize that peace is always possible!

Now go forth and enjoy…

Are feelings a sticking point for you? Have you discovered that you are free? I’d love to hear…

 

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Want to Be Happy? Don’t Follow Your Feelings

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“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

I know what it’s like to live a life driven by emotion, and believe me, it won’t make you happy. Someone shows up late, and you are triggered by fear and anger. You get some negative feedback, and you sulk in sadness. You live in anxiety, chewing on thoughts about what will happen next and if it will all be okay.

It’s like you’re a yo-yo on a string, with your happiness tied to all the circumstances in your life that you cannot control. If you ask me, this is no way to live.

Guided by Emotions

Until you become fully aware of your inner experiences, emotions will rule. Guaranteed. Emotions are highly conditioned, meaning that they are automatic reactions that arise in you in response to things that happen. A memory comes to mind? You don’t need to make yourself feel sad, you just do, and your whole day may be affected.

And it’s not only about how you feel.

If you make decisions based on emotions, you are unlikely to be happy and fulfilled. You feel empty and choose the first potential partner who comes along, even though the red flags are flying everywhere. Because you are afraid, you don’t reach out to engage fully in the world. Your resentment keeps your heart closed and your relationships stuck year after year.

You are making choices all the time – are these the ones you really want to be making?

I didn’t think so. Maybe it’s time to shine the spotlight on emotions. Once you no longer let them guide you, you uncover the natural intelligence that flows in you and realize that living in calm and clarity is absolutely possible. Things simplify tremendously as you stop resisting life.

And here’s the amazing truth. You don’t need to get rid of any emotions or change them into happier ones. That takes way too much effort.

Instead, become aware of the feelings that take you over because once you see how feelings have been driving you, you can put them aside. Really, it’s possible. Then you have the space to be reasonable, flexible, and smart about how you live.

It’s a practical and relaxed way of being that ends the drama of chaos and confusion.

Shining the Spotlight

Your starting point is anything that you call a problem. An unresolved relationship from the past, work stress, an ongoing situation that frustrates you. Now,

Connect with the most intelligent part of you, the part that wants sanity and knows that peace is possible.

From there, shine the spotlight on the emotion that is fueling the problem. Simply recognize whatever you are feeling and notice the gap between you and the feeling.

Step back to take a look at the big picture so you can see how the emotion isn’t serving you. Is it fear or anger? Sadness or jealousy? Is it helping or hurting? Ask honest questions to realize that it limits you and masks your true beauty that is aching to be seen.

Now, consider bundling up the feeling and putting it aside. Why? Clarity tells you that it doesn’t serve, it’s not reasonable, and it doesn’t bring you happiness. Without any judgment or struggle, just for a moment, take the feeling out of your way. Put it on a shelf somewhere – you can always bring it back later.

Step forth unencumbered, free. Experience how your body feels without the weight of the feeling. See how open your mind can be when it is no longer entangled in the web of emotion.

Let’s return to the problem you started with. Now that emotions are out of the picture, how do things look different? What new choices come to mind? How does your body feel?

Even if this process seems difficult for you, imagine what it would be like to be free of feelings. Take any problem at any time. Look for the emotion in it, then put it aside. Immediately, you experience clarity, openness, and a fresh perspective.

Living Clarity

Difficult feelings can be like old friends who have overstayed their welcome. You are used to them being around, but you don’t really enjoy their company.

Know this, in your heart of hearts: Feelings are temporary, and you can let them go. They don’t have to guide and define you. Moment after moment, you can find the place in you that is free of emotion. And when you do, live there happily with clarity, intelligence, and love.

Are you stuck in emotions? Can you put them aside? I’d love to hear…

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The Art of Practical Happiness

practical_happiness
“Let the beauty of love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
~Rumi

There is no doubt about it…I’m happy. Stop me at any random moment, and there it is – the deepest acceptance, heart full, primed for joy.

It’s not like I’m grinning from ear to ear in every moment. I’m simply happy. I don’t worry about the future or fret over what is happening now. I’m just here, present, awake to things as they are. To say that I go with the flow is an understatement.

Letting Go

The key to happiness is to let go. I have found that when I let go of ruminating, defending, and getting caught up in the drama of situations and relationships, happiness is here. It’s the most natural thing and miraculous at the same time. Right here and available by letting go.

This is not to say that troubles don’t arise. The other day, I woke up with a cloud of irritation over my head. I knew I could have easily been short with the people around me, which would have created disharmony and tension for sure.

But I was consciously aware of the mood that was paying me a visit, and set an intention to be kind in my interactions. I felt the urge to snap back, but chose kindness instead. Poof! Irritation gone.

Effortlessly Being Happy

I don’t fight unhappiness so I can make sure that I stay happy – it takes much less effort than that. I have seen that what I thought was true about myself and the world is actually false, and I’ve completely lost interest in it.

Anything personal – needs, demands, expectations, rules about how the world should work, what people should do – I just don’t give it any attention. I function in the world as a person with a name, age, gender, and appearance, but what I really am is peace.

I trust completely, which is why I don’t need to rely on thoughts, or even feelings, anymore. I know that the intelligence and clarity of life is perfect, and that’s where I live. Nothing personal to this illusion of “me” matters.

Practical Happiness

Even if you don’t consciously know this experience I’m describing, you can try it on to see what it feels like. Here is a window into my experience of daily life.

Ignore thoughts. It’s taken a few years, but I really see that about 98% of the thoughts that appear in my mind aren’t useful. They’re gibberish with no meaning. So I don’t pay attention to them. Play with that just for a short time, and you will see problems vanish.

See everyone and everything as yourself. It is true at the absolute level of reality that there is no separation. The essence of you is the same as the essence of everyone and everything you see. Live like this for 30 seconds, and you will be in awe of the magnificence that you can’t get away from if you tried. (And sometimes we try very hard.)

When you are unsure or confused, stop and listen. Don’t get panicky, scrambling to figure anything out. It won’t help. Instead, stop, bring your attention back to presence, and just listen. This is how I order food in a restaurant and plan many of my days. I check in and let myself be guided.

Feel urges, but don’t act on them. Remember when I was irritated? I didn’t act on the urge. Stay very conscious when you are triggered, and make the choice you really want that benefits everyone. I know it’s hard, but do it anyway. Have happiness be your highest priority always, and the rest falls right into place.

The body is your friend. When you are distracted by unhappy stories, bring your attention into the body. Just let the physical sensations be as they are. They will ground your attention as you return to sanity. This was helpful for me for a long time, but only rarely necessary now.

When you are triggered, always shift your attention to being aware. Thoughts, feelings, tendencies, stories, these are all objects that arise in awareness. Let them go, and simply be aware. Awareness is your true nature – boundless, completely at peace, infinitely loving. Live here in glorious surrender. That’s what I do.

Be fully conscious. In order to be fully conscious, you need to let go of all ideas about anything and everything. Pay attention to no mental activity whatsoever. In the silence, there is no body, no separate you, no space, no time. All division falls away, and only This remains – aliveness, awareness, being.

Happiness isn’t mysterious, and it is more available to you than you could ever imagine. It’s right here. I’m not special or extraordinary for knowing this. If I’ve had one blessing it is that the fire to know abiding happiness grabbed me and wouldn’t let go, and for that I am on my knees in gratitude.

How to know the art of practical happiness? Follow what is most alive in you. Then live it up in joy and celebration.

Comments? Questions? I’d love to hear…

It’s Not Personal

not_personal“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”
~Charles R. Swindoll

Are you sensitive, prone to feeling resentment, rejection, disapproval, or disappointment? Then you’re taking things personally, and you know how much it hurts.

It’s one of the human experiences that cuts deep, and we often have trouble finding our way out.

I used to feel personally offended if someone was late or he didn’t call or the feedback I got was less than stellar. At times, it seemed like everywhere I turned, someone was trying hurt my feelings. And, although I didn’t know it, I was a willing participant.

Nothing Sticks

There is so much freedom in realizing that you don’t have to take things personally.

You are lighter, free of the hooks and edges that cause you to feel put down or slighted. You feel open, generous, and compassionate – ways of being that are just not available to you if you are caught in taking things personally.

You live as the free-flow of life where nothing sticks. An event happens, someone says something to you or about you, and here you are – not attaching to any reaction, stable, fully allowing, not resisting anything.

But how to make this shift?

Welcome Your Reactions

The first key that unlocks the door to freedom from taking it personally is to bring your focus to your own reactions.

What someone else says is about them, and how you react is about you. So focus on something you can do something about, which is your own reactions.

If you feed the story, wallow in feeling bad, or run mental loops about what should and shouldn’t happen, you will stay stuck, guaranteed.

These reactions play out over and over, while you are asleep on automatic rather than being awake to what is happening within you.

If, instead, you step back and take the perspective of awareness, you notice something very simple: thoughts in your mind and feelings in your body. You might call it disappointment or rejection, but what is absolutely true in your direct experience is that some thoughts and feelings have appeared.

And these may be very familiar to you.

Why You Take Things Personally

For most of us, these painful feelings date back to childhood. When we are young, events happen that bring about emotional reactions in us. If you didn’t have the means to experience the feelings and let them go, they leave an impression in your body and mind, creating a sensitivity to reacting the same way again and again.

Decades later, here you are, experiencing rejection, disappointment, and shame – taking it personally. Then the spinoff stories start: I’m not deserving, I’m inadequate. These experiences congeal into an identity that keeps you frozen and limited.

You have developed a filter through which you view the world.

Question Who You Are

But what exactly is this identity? It seems so real, but when you shine the spotlight of your attention on your direct experience, all you notice are thoughts and feelings. That is all.

There is no “you,” no identity of one who has been rejected or disappointed. Only thoughts and feelings floating through awareness.

And if you don’t attach your attention to them, if you don’t engage and make them important and tell stories about them, they disappear, creating no disturbance whatsoever.

You no longer take them personally because there is no personal thing called you.

You realize you don’t have to make a big deal over something that isn’t real anyway.

Here is the possibility:  to stay as the sky and let the dark clouds of difficult thoughts and feelings move through. They are nothing more than insubstantial wisps of energy that appear and disappear.

Persistence and Kindness

It takes time to erode these attachments that feel so real, so be very kind to yourself.

  • When you notice that you are taking something personally, step off the habit wheel.
  • Pause and take a breath. You’re halfway there already.
  • Know that these thoughts and feelings are not important and don’t define you.
  • Stay as the sky, clear, open, and undisturbed.

When you discover that it’s not personal, you walk through the doorway to the deepest peace beyond imagination.

Have you discovered that it’s not personal? Still stuck? I’d love to hear…

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Orient Your Whole Life Toward What You Love

orient_love“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.”
~Rodin

What do you love? What really matters to you? For most of us, the answer is simple: we want to be happy.

But are you orienting your whole life toward happiness? No wonder you’re not happy.

The search for happiness is often misunderstood. If you are hoping to be happy once the right relationship and work situation magically show up, your present moment experience now is frustration and lack.

If you are waiting for inadequacy, resentment, and other inner troubles you experience to finally, somehow, disappear, what are you experiencing now? Inadequacy, resentment, and inner turmoil.

Your life is happening right now, in this very moment.  But if you are looking out to the world for happiness to arrive at some other time, your now experience is not so happy.

If happiness is what you love, discover it now. Consider that it is not somewhere else, but here to be revealed, the very essence of who you are.

Maybe you, who you actually are, is simply covered up by worrying, regretting, and telling yourself stories. Maybe you are already everything you are hoping for and waiting to be – happy, fulfilled, completely at peace, heart overflowing.

Be on fire to know by orienting your whole life toward what you love.

How do you meet life?

The qualities you bring to the moments of your life matter, if you want to be happy. Consider being curious, flexible, and open. Rather than living in reaction to things that happen, start asking questions.

  • What is the nature of this feeling that is here right now?
  • Are these thoughts that I’m thinking actually true?
  • Who am I?

Acknowledge the places in you that are rigid, and bring flexibility to them – your brain, your mind, your body, and your heart. Let your grudges completely untangle, your old stories become uninteresting.

Open in every cell of your being to the possibility that who you are is infinite beyond measure. See yourself everywhere.

What does your attention feed?

If you give close attention to anxious and judgmental thoughts, what will you get? More anxious and judgmental thoughts.

If you indulge feelings and dramatic stories, what will you get? More of the same.

You might say that you want to be happy, but where you place your attention shows what you are actually most interested in. Show interest in difficult thoughts and feelings, and that will be your in the moment experience.

Instead, recognize that thoughts and feelings are temporary. They come from nowhere, arise in the space of awareness, and dissolve. They are essentially free, but get stuck when you feed them with attention.

Notice that awareness is stable, unchanging. No matter what appears, you are always aware.

Establish yourself in that which is aware, and let the unhappiness be.

How do you spend your time?

Just as where you place your attention reveals what you are interested in, so does how you spend your time. Simply track it for a day or two, and you will know how your life is oriented.

Do you complain, argue, isolate? Are you overdoing it somehow in your behavior? Who do you spend your time with? Are you sitting in unhappy feelings much of the time?

Now that you are conscious of what you are actually fascinated by, let wisdom guide you. Make the changes that support what you love. Maybe you will meditate more, find a group of like-minded people, slow down, and read, watch, and listen to inspiring media.

Let what you love show in your behavior. Nothing can replace the fire for true happiness.

Resistance, anyone?

Resistance is saying “no” to life. A situation or feeling shows up as part of the natural unfolding of reality, and you say, “No, I don’t like it, I don’t want it to be like this. It should be different.”

If you resist, there is no way you can discover that peace is possible in this very moment. You are too busy rejecting what is here to realize that it is actually a doorway to all that you long for.

Study how you resist so you can learn to recognize when it’s happening. You might notice that you:

  • Avoid feelings that are present
  • Get caught in compulsive behavior or addictions
  • Ruminate in your thoughts
  • Believe that people and situations should be different than they are.

These are ways of being that say, “No, not this.”

Now feel into the effects of resisting – tension, fear, contracting against life. Instead, say “Oh, this,” with the deepest acceptance and embrace.

Opening or closing?

In any moment, you are opening or closing. You close to escape discomfort and the fear of discomfort. But in so doing, you close to life. You end up spending your precious energy managing your inner experience so you can stay away from that which you fear.

This is not a sustainable way of being (it’s so tiring!), and it doesn’t orient you toward what you love.

Really, uncomfortable feelings aren’t so bad. In fact, when seen with the eyes of absolute truth, they are only sensation and energy, and barely that. They are impersonal, meaning that they come and go and have nothing to do with you.

When you open, you disidentify with everything, including uncomfortable feelings, and you allow things to be as they are. It’s like taking a step back and becoming uninvolved.

But don’t worry, you lose nothing, except pain. And you realize that everything you wanted is already here, awake, and alive.

Really, it’s simple. Orient your whole life toward what you love, and each moment sings with joy.

How’s it going for you? Any comments or questions? I’d love to hear…

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