Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

TwitterYoutubeFacebookGoogle +

What Creates Problems and How to Be Free of Them

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
~Epictetus

Recently, I set off on the trip to France that I had been dreaming about for five years. As luck would have it, my plane left Los Angeles two hours late, and by the time we arrived in New York, after circling for another hour, I had missed my connection. The result was an overnight in an airport hotel and one less day in Paris.

But was this situation a problem? I knew I had a choice.

How We Create Problems

Every day we encounter circumstances that we can turn into problems – if we want to. Do you want more problems in your life? Here is the how-to:

  • Tell yourself that what is happening is bad or wrong or shouldn’t be happening.
  • Think of all the negative consequences.
  • Repeat these negative consequences to yourself over and over.
  • Experience a feeling and don’t examine it.
  • Create a stressful or depressing story about what is happening based on this feeling.
  • Repeat this story to yourself over and over, embellishing it each time.
  • Ignore any positive aspects, benefits, or opportunities this experience offers you.

Sound familiar? When I realized I would miss my connection, I could have been irate and disappointed. I could have blamed the airline and thought about what I was missing out on. I could have created a lot of trouble for myself – unnecessary trouble, if you ask me.

Separate Facts From Reactions

But isn’t this what we do all the time? We take the facts of a circumstance, then apply stressful thoughts and feelings to it that launch a problem.

And here’s the truth: the problem isn’t inherently contained in the circumstances – it is added on to the facts. Need evidence? Just look around you. There is a myriad of reactions possible to any event – not just your habitual one.

Facts are facts, but reactions are up for grabs. We cannot change circumstances, but how we respond to them is under our control. And this is very good news.

If you are willing to bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, you can recognize them, see them as simply experiences that arise, and choose to not get involved in them.

Freedom from Problems

This is the amazing possibility: we don’t have to turn circumstances into problems.

Ready for the how-to? Here goes:

  • See the facts of whatever is happening as separate from your thoughts and feelings about these facts. This essential step creates the space to get out the microscope, become a scientist, and intimately study your thoughts and feelings.
  • Notice the content of your thoughts. Are they stressful, negative, heavy with emotions? Do they run in an endless loop like a hamster on a wheel? Is this what you want?
  • Notice your feelings. See that a feeling actually consists only of thoughts and bodily sensations. Can you allow these experiences just to be present without letting them fuel more thinking?
  • Now go back to the facts. What is this circumstance offering you? What are the benefits, blessings, and opportunities for insight and understanding?

As I realized the plane to Paris would be taking off without me, I surrendered. And in that surrender, I saw:

  • The kindness of the airline agent who patiently helped me at midnight, well past his quitting time.
  • The grace of the hotel reservations clerk dealing with an onslaught of people checking in.
  • The good humor of my fellow passengers.

My jet lag wasn’t as bad as it would have been if I had made the connection, and I had the time to work on another blog post. In the end, something happened, but I couldn’t find a problem anywhere.

Are You Willing to Be Free of Problems?

My question – and challenge – to you is this: Are you willing to see how you create problems out of facts? Are you committed enough to your own peace and happiness to make the radical move to eliminate drama from your life?

Since we manufacture problems, we have the power to be free of them. And in this freedom lies the simple, amazing, awe-inspiring, heart-expanding glory of being alive.

Now it’s your turn. Can you see how you create problems? Have you discovered how to be free of them? I’d love to hear…

image credit

Note: My friend, Christopher Foster over at The Happy Seeker, is offering a beautiful course on how to keep the light alive as we age. You may want to check it out.

Get to Know the Voice of Fear – Your Life Depends on It

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

~Thornton Wilder

In the last post, we talked about befriending fear. The comments were so heartfelt and the emails I received so amazing as people testified to the transformation that is possible when you make fear your friend.

See for yourself in these moving words from Tameka:

“Without becoming friends with my fear, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, in a little cafe in Vientiane, Laos. I wouldn’t have left everything I knew- all my creature comforts, my life as I knew it- and traveled alone as a 23 year old, throughout the whole of Cambodia, Thailand, and now Laos, despite the fears of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be floating and fluttering around this beautiful universe, too afraid to live my own life, for fear of leaving those who need me.”

How do we go from barely living a life limited by fear to one that expresses our unique gifts and longings? How do we inhabit our lives fully? We let fear come along for the ride. We don’t use it as an excuse or justification. As Justin commented, we accept it and move on with our plans.

Recognize the Voice of Fear

If your intention is to not be deterred by fear, you need to know it intimately. You need to study it so you recognize when it is tapping you on the shoulder and asking for attention. Its voice can be subtle, so learn how it speaks.  Here are some examples:

  • I can’t disappoint my family.
  • I might fail.
  • I doubt if I can do it.
  • I might get overwhelmed.
  • I will have to work too hard.
  • I will be outside my comfort zone.
  • What if it gets difficult.
  • I don’t know how to start.

I could go on and on. Do you see the commonalities? I can’t…what if…I doubt…I don’t. These are all signs that fear is in charge. They are thought patterns that assume the negative and question the movement of your heart’s deepest desires.

In fact, these limiting thoughts arise just after a moment of clarity when something you are passionate about comes to light. Trace each one back to its origin, and you will find what makes your heart sing.

Let Your Heart Sing

Fear is a natural part of the human experience. Its goal is protection and survival. But when we feel the call to step out into the unknown to experiment, create, and manifest our own unique song, we need to learn to navigate with fear. We acknowledge it, study it, then make a reasoned and intentional choice.

Which is just what some of the members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have shared.

Emma of Graceful Balance writes,

“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”

And Tameka says,

“Seeing it for what it is, recognising when it does have real merit and pushing through gently, as to not hurt its feelings. It is a part of us, after all!”

How to befriend fear? Treat it with kindness. Don’t push it away. Say, “Yes, you too,” with compassion,  then step outside it and move forward from clarity.  This is the end of violence and separation, and the beginning of life.

I’ll leave you with the words of Rumi, the Sufi mystic, from a poem called, “The Guest House.”

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Can you welcome fear in? Can you treat it honorably? I’d love to hear…

Note: As you know, I’ve been traveling, so I’ll be taking a week off from writing.  I’ll have a fresh post, ready to go, in a couple of weeks.

Love to you,

Gail

image credit

Please Don’t Let Fear Limit You

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate…Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.”
Christopher Reeve

I had an epiphany the other day. For months, I have been planning a trip – traveling alone for three weeks in France. Two days before I left, I noticed fear…panic…doubt. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

And then the light turned on. Would I give up this trip because of fear? Would I stay home and play it safe? Would I deny the “Yes!” that has pervaded my plans every step of the way? Never.

This is why it is essential to make fear your friend. If you live in the fantasy that life will start once you are no longer afraid, you will be playing the waiting game forever. The antidote? Get real.

I know you might be glazing over by now, thinking this is just another self-help post telling you to beat your fear. It isn’t. I don’t want you to beat your fear. But I do offer an invitation to turn toward it and see it clearly. I invite you to drop your veils and defenses and get serious about what you actually experience and what you want. I invite you to stop running and let yourself live into the fullness of you.

When you avoid fear, you let it rule. Unexamined fear takes root, paralyzing you and keeping you small. You miss opportunities and turn away from your true path.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that if you learn to walk with fear in the moments of your life that you create the space to express yourself without limit. As a popular book says, you feel the fear and do it anyway. So don’t simply read these words. Take them on, reflect on them, and don’t let fear deter you any longer. The whole world is waiting for you.

No Goal

Deeply understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Ever. Fear may go away for a time, but don’t be put off if it returns. See it as an opportunity every time. Repeat the sacred mantra of acceptance, “Oh, this,” then move forward including, rather than excluding, fear.

Stop Fighting

Take the attitude of working with fear rather than fighting against it. Think of an aikido master who accesses power by moving with the energy of his opponent. Your power comes from putting down the fight and allowing fear to be present.

End of Story

Know that repeating a story of fear strengthens the feeling. Notice your internal self-talk. If it is telling scary stories about the future, fear is the culprit. Bring your attention directly into the feeling instead. Repeating fear-based stories simply doesn’t serve.

Knowledge Is King

Get to know fear intimately in every moment in which it arises. Become familiar with what triggers it, notice it, see how it moves in your body, tune into how it affects your thoughts and behavior. Be an expert in fear so it stops dominating you.

Choose Wisely

Once you have the lay of the land, make a choice. You know fear is present. You recognize that it tells you to put on the brakes or not move forward. It persistently taps you on the shoulder, saying, “I can’t,” “I shouldn’t,” “I better not.” It makes you doubt yourself endlessly. Now, here is where the rubber meets the road. Are you man or mouse? What do you really want this life to be about?

I imagine I will have the opportunity to work with fear in the next few weeks. My French will fail me, I’ll get lost, I’ll hesitate walking into a restaurant alone. But I stand in the truth with fear as my companion, whenever it happens to arise.

And this I know for sure: the only problem is that which is created by thinking. I can think myself into fear and distress, or I can relax and enjoy. Guess which one I choose. And you?

Have you made fear your friend? What has been the effect? I’d love to hear…

Know That You Are Whole

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”
~Eckhart Tolle

“I feel so damaged.”

These were the words I heard recently from a friend, and it broke my heart. She had just become aware of a pattern in many of her relationships that has caused decades of struggling. She saw how it originated in her childhood, and she felt hopeless that it could ever change.

I didn’t say it, but secretly I was happy – because becoming aware of an old pattern is the first giant step toward being free of it.

The Myth of Damage

Who among us has not felt damaged? If we commit to authenticity in our lives, to not leaving one stone unturned, we will eventually come across these overlooked places in ourselves. We discover pockets of conditioning that make us feel needy or have led us to act in ways that are less than admirable. We may have even hurt others or ourselves. It’s easy to feel flawed.

But there is a misunderstanding in identifying ourselves as damaged. Because here is the truth: You did not come into the world damaged. Your original source, who you are, is whole, fulfilled, creative, completely at peace, loved and loving.

If you feel damaged, you have forgotten the truth of the matter. Unbeknownst to you, a layer of false identity has been shielding you from yourself. You are absorbed in a learned behavioral habit that, at one time, you needed for your survival.

Now is the time to remember who you are.

Unwinding the Habit

We are born innocent, filled with so much potential, virtually free of psychological scars. Then life brings us challenges. Our needs are not adequately met. Our feelings are rejected or minimized. We may have been criticized, pressured, demeaned, or even abused.

We don’t have the skills and support to manage our emotional reactions, so our feelings go underground, out of conscious awareness. We develop belief systems and strategies to make our way in the world. And we take on identities – as unworthy, entitled, bitter, or afraid.

My friend Melanie grew up with a single mother who gave her the silent treatment for days whenever she made the slightest infraction. Can you imagine what this would do to a little girl? She lived in fear of making mistakes, and her whole focus was on the fruitless task of pleasing her mother. Even now, decades later, she catches herself expecting to be rejected by friends and co-workers if she speaks her mind.

Faced with these untenable situations, our original face, our essence or true nature, gets covered over, obscured by whirling thoughts and desperate behaviors trying to make sense of the confusion. And these tendencies are very deeply ingrained because we become masters of them so early on in life.

Imagine walking back and forth on the same 5-foot stretch of ground day after day, year after year. The groove becomes a ditch which becomes a chasm. We can’t fathom that another way is possible. No wonder we call ourselves damaged.

But you are not damaged (so you can stop telling yourself that you are). Take away what you have learned from your experiences, and what is revealed is the unconditioned you. You are whole, clear, undisturbed, open.

Doing the Work

Working with these habits that have become your foundation takes patience, perseverance, and love. See if you can make these habits an ally rather than an enemy. Let them walk with you, if they need to, but don’t let them rule your life. They may not disappear, but you will see the potential in each moment to make a new and different choice.

  • Study the pattern so you can recognize it easily.
  • See how it served you at some point in your life – but no longer.
  • Be willing to let it soften. You are saying, “Yes!” to life.
  • Prepare yourself to feel and act differently.
  • Try out a new response or behavior.

On the road to reclaiming yourself, you will forget and lose your way, and this is not a problem. Keep at it, and eventually there will be chinks in the armor. You will notice space and flexibility where before was contraction and habit.

Are you damaged? Impossible. Consider that you are whole. Discover that love is closer than close. Restore yourself to your natural state, and you will see that damage is a figment of your imagination.

Do you recognize yourself as whole? Can you see that the ways you have learned to protect yourself are not who you are? I’d love to hear…

image credit

A Simple Guide to Stress-Free Living

“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.”
~Pema Chodron

Of course, we all want to be happy. We long for serenity, relaxation, and peace. But sometimes there is no way around it – stress consumes us. We all know what it’s like – whole-body tension, endless worrying, anxiety that won’t quit.

You may not be able to wave the magic wand that will make your stress disappear. But you can pay attention. You can welcome in the experience of stress and take the necessary steps to not only cope with it, but transform it. Stress can be your friend, the portal to the richness of the now.

Stress is code for fear. When we are under stress, our primitive brains take over, and the fight or flight reaction rushes through our minds and bodies. But this response was designed for animals in the wild being chased by their predators. In our modern world, the only thing that is really chasing us is our stress-filled thoughts and the accompanying feeling of overwhelm.

For some people, a small amount of stress increases productivity. But for most of us, stress detracts from our quality of life and well-being. It affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Don’t take your stress for granted. Recognize it, let it in, then consciously take the steps to restore yourself to your natural state of ease.

Remember that in any moment, you are at a crossroads: you can connect with yourself and pay attention or you can sustain suffering.

Practical Coping

Start here to address what you can control. Is there something you can let go of? Can you do less? Can you change something about the situation so it is not so stressful for you?

Physical Coping

It won’t be news to hear that stress has a physical component. When adrenaline courses through your system, you feel tense, jittery, and hyper-alert. Spinning thoughts, which are common with stress, add to the intensity of the physical sensations.  Work on the thoughts (see below), and relax around the sensations.  Then take care of yourself with the following:

  • Deep breathing. Exhale out all the air, then fill your lungs from the bottom to the top to a count of 4 our 5. Then exhale to a count of 4 or 5. Repeat 5 times. Just one breath can re-orient you out of unconsciousness and into clarity and aliveness.
  • Exercise
  • Yoga
  • Take a walk outside, and appreciate your environment with all five senses.
  • Listen to soothing music
  • Meditate
  • Take a break
  • Do anything soothing and enjoyable. What would that be for you?
  • Laugh
  • Eat a healthy, balanced diet

Mental Coping

Stressful thoughts are driven by fear. Simply said, they aren’t true. They distort reality and create a negative and worrisome picture of the future. They seduce us into trying to control what we cannot control, to know what we cannot know.

Recognize these thoughts, and tell yourself that they aren’t true and they don’t serve. Here are some examples:

  • Magnify the negative. Stressful thoughts focus only on the negative and trick you into expecting the worst.
  • Black and white thinking. You view yourself as either perfect or terrible. You either succeed or fail, with no gray area.
  • Jumping to conclusions. You assume you know how something will turn out when you really don’t know.
  • Catastrophizing.  Making things seem worse than they are.

Stressful thoughts need to be challenged and seen from the perspective of actual truth. You will find that they are neither true nor useful. And if they aren’t true or useful, why feed them?

Instead, tell yourself it’s OK. Say, “This too shall pass.” Recognize the fear that is driving them.  And put your energy and attention on that which is more uplifting, supportive, and life-affirming.  Check out Byron Katie’s The Work for more.

Emotional Coping

If you take one point from this post, let it be this: Be kind to yourself. Whether you are anxious, scared, or irritable, let your feelings be. Bring compassion and acceptance to them. Be aware of what you would like to hear from someone else, and soothe yourself with those same words.

If you fight with your feelings, you will only add more stress to an already stressful situation. Let go of judging and be kind. Don’t resist or recoil. Your feelings are knocking on the door, so welcome them in. You will see a paradox: what you resist persists, and welcoming your feelings de-energizes them. Get support from a friend, family member, or professional.

Life Balance

Yes, you may be stressed, but are you also grateful? Recognize what is working, what is positive. Let people who you love know it, and let theirs wash over you. Think about your strengths and resources, and bring them to bear on whatever you are dealing with. Give up the fight and let yourself flow with what is happening. Stand in the space of being the naturally resilient creature that you are.

If you are feeling stressed, don’t accept it as the status quo. Really, it’s no way to live. Control what you can, and accept the rest. Bring kindness to every aspect of your experience. Then go forth, and enjoy yourself.

What have you learned about coping with stress? I’d love to hear…

image credit