Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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How to Live in the Land of Yes

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.
~Epictetus

What does it mean to live in the land of Yes? When you inhabit Yes, you are open, receptive, available. You approach each moment with wonder and curiosity, without expectation, with openness.

In the land of Yes, you don’t close down or shut yourself away. You don’t avoid or resist. You are here, present, awake, aware, alive.

How Do You Say No?

If we want to live in Yes, we must understand no. How do you say, “No” to life? Here are some clues:

  • I don’t want this to be happening.
  • I don’t want to feel this way.
  • I want to be reacting differently.
  • I want him to be behaving differently.
  • She should be doing or saying…
  • This shouldn’t be happening.
  • I don’t want to be sick, unhappy, in pain, stressed.
  • My past should have been different.

Can you feel the no? It boxes you in and traps you in a corner. And it does absolutely nothing to change your reality. In fact, as the adage says, “What you resist persists.” Resisting reality has a paradoxical effect – it strengthens exactly the experience you wish would disappear.

Stand up and try pushing against a wall. Does the wall move? Are you making any progress? Now, stop pushing, and everything changes. You relax, you give up the fight, you accept.

Yes Is Discriminating

It is important to recognize that living in the land of Yes, doesn’t mean you become a doormat. Yes is discriminating. When you see things as they are, without blinders on, your next step becomes obvious. You choose without adding in the drama of resistance.

Say that your friend is always late when you have a plan to get together. You are sitting there waiting, and you feel tense. Your mind swirls with angry thoughts. You think of the times you already mentioned this problem, but she doesn’t seem to listen. This is resistance.

Now, let’s move into the land of Yes. First, fully accept the situation – her lateness, your tension and frustration. What are your choices? You can enjoy your present circumstances, moving from waiting to sitting, looking, hearing, appreciating. You can call her and let her know you will be leaving in 10 minutes. You can tell her you won’t be making plans with her anymore. You can recognize that you are willing to love her as she is.

The End of Drama

See how it works? When you let go of resisting, choices appear, and you make one. Either accept what is happening exactly as it is or change something. And here is what you can change – your behavior, how you hold your thoughts and feelings.

But sitting in frustration and running an angry story in your mind about her only has one result – you suffer. I don’t know about you, but I choose to not suffer.

The Joy of Yes

In the land of Yes, you are present and aware. You aren’t fueled by fear or resentment. You are free of conditioning from the past and worry about the future.

When you arrive at Yes, you might be surprised at how peaceful you can be about things that once bothered you. You might laugh at how useless negative thinking is. Your whole way of being in the world may transform.

Where in your life are you resisting? What are you saying “no” to and what is the effect? Are you bumping into walls every way you turn?

Let yourself be amazed by living in the land of Yes. Make the choice now, and you will realize that you are never truly stuck. In any moment, say Yes. Drop the trouble, take a breath, and open to the truth of things as they are. Life is here, right now, waiting patiently for your Yes.

Are you resisting? What has been your experience when you enter the land of Yes? I’d love to hear…

12 Smart Choices That Will Light You Up

“You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself.”
~Galileo Galilei

Do you know someone who shines? Whenever you see them, they exude an inner glow and seem to be effortlessly happy. They are grounded and clear. Maybe that someone is you?

We can’t help but be our essential selves – it is who we are. But sometimes our light gets dimmed. We fall asleep in our lives as well-worn habits take over, and we live in a half-alive fog that makes us wonder, “Is this all there is?”

There is no magic to clearing away the fog. It is not a mysterious process or a set of teachings designed only for the chosen few.

It is possible for you to be happy and peaceful. You can be content and fulfilled. You can express your unique creative self in the world. And you can approach each moment of your life with an open, loving heart.

You know those people whose lights shine brightly? Whether they realize it or not, they consistently make smart choices. You can illuminate your essence – it is more within your reach than you may ever know. Incorporate these choices in your life, and you just might notice ease, clarity, lightness, and undeniable happiness that spreads everywhere.

1. Be grateful

People who are connected with their essence live in gratitude. They don’t believe they deserve what they have, so they are free to appreciate everything that is offered to them.

If you want to be more grateful, investigate your attachments so you aren’t ruled by lack and desire. Notice how life is so generous – giving us exactly what we need. Don’t take one single thing for granted, and before you know it, gratitude will flow from you like honey.

2. Learn to pause

When you feel a reaction brewing, when you have been triggered, as soon as you become aware of it, stop. Press pause. Wake up to your experience in the moment, then move forward with your eyes open.

3. Befriend the unknown

See clearly that each moment is birthed from the source so we can’t know what is going to happen. Sure, we create expectations, and this is natural. But in truth, things simply unfold in ways that are out of our control.

A year ago, a lovely friend lost her husband to pneumonia. She told me that his sickness lasted only a month. “I thought I would have him for 10 more years,” she lamented.

Let yourself befriend the unknown so you are more aligned with the truth of how things are. Face your fears of not having control, and live happily in the moment. Remember the ones who shine? They constantly surrender their ideas of what their lives should look like and receive things as they come.

4. Take responsibility for yourself

Blaming others, feeling like a victim, or walking around with your head in the clouds only perpetuates your suffering. Instead, look inward, as the only way to discover true happiness is to recognize how you get in your own way.

A commenter on a recent post got this message and is benefiting from her insight. She writes, “Reading your blog has made me realize that I am stuck in some pattern here. This is not about him, this is about me.”

Just those words open the doorway to peace. Bite the bullet, be honest with yourself, and you will clear the way for your light to shine.

5. Learn and practice self-compassion

There are many aspects to being kind to yourself. You can slow down, spend time in silence, and do things you enjoy. But at the deepest level, self-compassion means receiving every feeling, physical sensation, and thought pattern without needing it to change or disappear.

We do violence to ourselves when we reject what naturally arises. And we do this often by behaving compulsively, filling our schedules, and spinning in our busy minds. If you want your essence to shine (and who doesn’t?), stop, bring your attention inward, and lovingly let things be as they are. This is the highest form of self-compassion I know.

6. March to your own drummer

People who are connected with their essence are not concerned about what others think of them. They do not seek approval. They become experts at listening to their inner wisdom and letting themselves be guided from within.

Holding yourself hostage to the opinions of others is guaranteed to suppress your light. Fully meet your fears of being rejected, abandoned, or disliked. Then make the smart choice to stay on your unique path.

7. Focus on what is good, positive, and functional

When we are driven by fear and need, it is easy to get lost in worrisome and negative thoughts and forget about what is working. Believe me, I know. I am a master at this way of living, as it was so ingrained in me to be pessimistic.

But if you step out of that pattern, you will see the good in others and yourself. You will notice what is working rather than focusing only on problems. You will see that you don’t have to apply a negative view to people and situations.

Approach the moments of your life with optimism and possibility. You will turn up the dial on your inner light.

8. Consciously recognize when you feel joy, delight, and pleasure

Evidence of our inner essence is abundant, if we notice.

Our hearts are moved by the sweetness of a child. We have a moment of connection as the barista hands us our coffee. We feel at peace in nature. We know the abandon of laughing until tears roll or being so dissolved into an activity that time seems to stop. Our hearts break when we see others suffering. We feel so much love for friends, family, or pets.

In these moments, the fog has parted, and our essence shines. Notice these occurrences – not the story of what is going on, but the state of your inner experience. Feel it deeply. Your essence may be illuminated more than you think.

9. Be silent

Meditate. Stop talking and ruminating. Refrain from filling up every moment of your life. Give your essence the space it needs to shine.

10. Forgive

Nothing dims your light more than holding a grudge. If you live in resentment for things that have happened in the past, figure out how to let them go. Our inner light shines brightly when our attention is absorbed in the now. Do the work so you can release yourself from the past, and you will naturally glow.

11. Question your beliefs

Beliefs can make us feel separate from others and the world. They are like a house with many walls, creating division and alienation. Consider that the beliefs you hold may not be serving you, and may not even be true. See what happens as they fall away and you open yourself completely to things just as they are.

12. Know that everything arises from one source

When you look in the eyes of a seeming “other,” you are seeing yourself – the same source from which you emerge. It looks like the world consists of separate people and objects, but when you investigate to their essence, there is only one – purity, awareness, love.

This understanding softens our way of being in the world. You can’t help but tread lightly and lead with your heart. Do you want to illuminate your essence? Know that you are reflected everywhere.

What needs to happen for your light to shine even brighter? I’d love to hear…

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Love and Spiders

“We are joined together with invisible threads. If I hurt you, I hurt myself. If I hurt myself, I am hurting you all.”
~Osho

This is a post about friendship, love, oneness, freedom, and spiders. Yes, spiders. Let me explain.

I have had a lifelong phobia of spiders, and I live in a place that, for some reason, spiders frequently visit. Several times a week, they would show up in the bathtub whenever I stepped in to take a shower. And for a phobic like me, it was far from a pleasant way to start the morning. I was freaked out and upset, and I’m not proud of the ways I got the spiders out of the tub.

Frankly, I didn’t know what to do and couldn’t foresee any solution.

The Truth Wakes Me Up

Then I read a book that changed everything. Really. My friend Robin Easton, who blogs at Naked in Eden, published a book, also called “Naked in Eden”. On the surface, this book is about Robin’s exploits in the Australian rainforest. But from her experiences with the natural world, Robin conveys so clearly the realization that we are one with life, that we are nature itself, and that there truly is no separation.

Whether communing with a dying bandicoot (a large rat indigenous to Australia) or sharing the journey of a butterfly breaking out of its pupa, anyone reading this book can’t help but meet every living creature with a heart filled with knowing and love.

As a result of reading “Naked in Eden”, I began to look at spiders in a whole new way, and my phobia was finished for good. Shortly after, there was a large spider in the tub one morning. Before, I was literally unable to hold a box containing a spider so I could deposit it outside.

This time, I stopped.  I looked at the spider and was amazed to realize that it was not my enemy. I talked to it, literally felt the oneness with it, and gently got it into a box so I could release it outdoors. My heart was brimming over, and I almost couldn’t believe that this phobia no longer plagued me.

Then an odd thing began to happen – the spiders stopped visiting. It was uncanny. They used to appear several times a week, and now months later, they rarely turn up. I have learned the lesson, and I don’t need their presence anymore.  But each time they do appear, there is barely a ripple in me as I lovingly capture them and return them to their natural home.  In fact, it happened just this morning.

All I can say is, “Thank you, Robin. Thank you, spiders.” You have been my teachers. You showed me where I was stuck and how to be free. And I have realized a deep insight that goes well beyond spiders.

Use Life Experience for Your Liberation

Life offers us exactly what we need to liberate ourselves. If we notice contracted emotion around a thought, person, or situation, we can locate our misunderstanding and gain the clarity that will re-align us to the truth of non-separation and love.

I misunderstood spiders.  I was attached to the creepy feeling I got looking at one, and all I wanted to do was get rid of it.  But when I see a spider in the truth of oneness, I want to care for it and treat it honorably.  It is a privilege to scoop it up and take it outside.

The golden rule tells us to “do unto others as you would have them do unto  you.” But the truth is even deeper.  What you do to others, you do to yourself.  There is no difference, no separation.

When we don’t need the lesson anymore, it disappears, just like the spiders, and there is only happiness, freedom, and celebration. A friend of mine who heard this story calls this the “spider effect.”

Lessons from a Phobia

Here is what I learned from the ending of my phobia. Maybe you will experience your own spider effect – the ending of a problem, and the remembering of life, love, and oneness.

  • It is possible to be free in areas of life where you feel stuck, held back, frustrated, or hopeless.
  • Every moment of life is either a lesson or a celebration.
  • The only enemies you have are the ones you create in your own mind.
  • If you find yourself in the same stressful situation over and over, take an honest, penetrating look at yourself. Something about your thinking pattern is keeping you from being free.
  • There is truly no separation. Everything you see, feel, and touch, including yourself, is transparent. If you look deeply enough, you will see that at the source of everything is life itself.
  • The essence that shines through all forms is love.

So what is your spider phobia?  Is it fear, physical pain, an addiction, low self-worth, victimhood?  Where are you contracted in your life? My prayer for you is that you meet it with eyes open, find your misunderstanding, and clear the way for your light to shine even brighter.

Any comments or reflections? I’d love to hear…

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Take the Leap and Arc Over Into Freedom

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Do you want to be free of those bothersome habits that plague you? Then try arcing over. It’s an idea I just learned about, and I love the image. Taking off, soaring, and leaving the trouble behind as you expand into freedom that is unconditioned, limitless.

In any moment, we can make the choice to arc over. In fact, if change is to happen, we must arc over at some point. Picture yourself ready to walk forward into a familiar pattern with a familiar outcome that you know doesn’t serve you. You’ve walked into this quicksand countless times before, and you realize that it won’t get you the peace you really want.

You can step into this pattern, again – or you can arc over. Instead of being pulled down by the weight of your well-learned reactions, you look up, take flight, and arc over into freedom.

I’ve done it, and you can do it, too. You can break the ties with your ingrained habits, and arc over. Are you game?

Habits Are a Signal to Arc Over

Everything is useful when it comes to discovering the happiness we all long for. The appearance of a habit can be cause for celebration because you have the opportunity to arc over. It is a signal to wake up, be conscious, and connect with your deepest desire. Then, the choice is clear.

You can arc over anything:

  • A behavioral pattern like overeating, smoking, or drinking.
  • An urge to pick a fight or defend yourself.
  • A habitual feeling such as heaviness when you wake up in the morning or fear that is unwarranted.
  • A moment of being too busy to be kind and thoughtful.
  • A grudge you’ve been holding – for how long?
  • The stress you feel to accomplish too much.
  • An addiction to a substance, behavior, or person.
  • The need for approval.
  • Self-critical thoughts.

The Choice to Arc Over

How do you do it? Arcing over happens in the moment. You are faced with the well-worn groove of your habit that keeps you chained to the past, and you make the choice to launch instead. You say to yourself, “I’m not going to do this. I’m going to arc over.”

You enter the space of the unknown where you are free of concepts, beliefs, and expectations. You are present and alive.

Where you will land, no one can say. Because when you arc over, you open to all possibilities. You are willing to leap into the unfamiliar, you are available and receptive without the constriction of patterns that deaden you.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that arcing over is the panacea that will change everything once and for all. Many habits are deeply rooted and take some time to unwind. But every time you choose to arc over deconditions the habit. You are loosening the bonds and making space for what is fresh and new.

What holds you back from living as your fullest expression of yourself? What keeps you from realizing that happiness is always here? What brings suffering to your magnificent life? See it clearly, then arc over. You will be glad you did.

What do you need to arc over?  How did it go?  I’d love to hear…

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Are You Awake to the Moments of Your Life?

“The modalities of awakened doing are acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm. Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness. You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all – from the most simple task to the most complex.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Even though we may not realize it, we always have a choice about how we move through the moments of our lives.

What choices are you making? Are you asleep at the wheel, letting your habits run wild? Or are you awake to the moments of your life?

Take driving your car to do an errand as an example. You can be lost in your mind, totally on automatic, doing everything but being conscious of your present moment experience. Or you can see the light and color around you, feel the sensations of pressure and vibration, be alive to the movements of the breath.

The Possibility of Happiness

“A human mind is a wandering mind and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind,” write Harvard psychologists Michael Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert. In a research study, they found that people’s minds wander about half the time and that these wandering thoughts do not bring happiness.

And here is where the opportunity lies. If we stay asleep to our lives, our minds will wander to the unresolved, regretful past and the fear-based, pessimistic future. But conscious awareness is always here! In any moment, we can turn away from the thinking mind and experience the reality of the present moment.

And just one moment of pure awareness reveals that peace is possible. With the volume of the busy mind turned down, we get to fully live – moment by moment.

Be Present in Your Life

I can hear your protests already: “I tried that but my mind is too active”…”I can’t slow down when I have so much to do.”

Believe me, I know. My mind can also be quite a force to deal with. But what I offer you is the potential for approaching the doing of your life with awareness. Begin small, and be inspired to truly show up in your existence.

Rather than being lost in an unhappy mind, enliven your senses, investigate your experience to see what is actually true, and deconstruct the way you take things for granted to discover the source of reality.

For when we understand the absolute truth of things – objects, beliefs, emotions, our ideas about ourselves – we recognize that freedom is possible and love eternal.

How to Do Awakened Doing

Let’s revisit the quote by Eckhart Tolle that began this post:

“The modalities of awakened doing are acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm. Each one represents a certain vibrational frequency of consciousness. You need to be vigilant to make sure that one of them operates whenever you are engaged in doing anything at all – from the most simple task to the most complex.”

Acceptance

We all know what it’s like to reject our current circumstances. We avoid, pretend, react – anything but actually be with what is. Acceptance invites us into the truth of the moment. We are willing to see things as they are. We say, “Yes!” to now.

And if we resist the reality of the moment, we accept the resistance as well. Whatever is present, we accept. This is the end of the inner war, the abandonment of mind-created conflict, the welcoming of peace.

So next time you are doing the dishes or taking out the garbage or contracting in judgment when your loved one, again, does that thing that irritates the hell out of you, consider acceptance. Experience sensation, feel the burn, and gladly receive all of it.

Enjoyment

Mr. Tolle is not exhorting us to enjoy everything we do. Remember, he says that awakened doing involves bringing at minimum one of these qualities into our momentary experience. But when you consciously open to the reality of what you are actually doing, you may find enjoyment in the least expected places.

Our thoughts are the preeminent enjoyment-killer. Sure, pleasant thoughts can arise that engender experiences of happiness and joy. But, as we all know, most thoughts are anxious, frustrated, critical, and sad, reminding us of what is lacking or not good enough. They don’t set the stage for an experience of enjoyment.

But if we remove our attention from these thoughts, we just might find that our activities are pleasant. Delete your thinking about household chores or working out, and you might find that enjoyment is inherent right in the doing.

Try it and see. Is displeasure anywhere but in your thoughts?

Enthusiasm

I love this word! Enthusiasm oozes some of my favorite qualities: curiosity, lively interest, being fired up and alive. The word enthusiasm originates from the Greek meaning “inspired” or “possessed by a god.”

Why not be possessed by your life? Be zealous, eager, enthusiastic. Approach your actions as if they are fresh and new in every moment – because they are. Forget memory, and invest yourself fully in the experience of now.

It’s the mind that detracts from enthusiasm. Subtract the mind, and see what remains. This is divine mathematics.

Acceptance, enjoyment, enthusiasm. Infuse your actions with these qualities and experience the end of mindless doing. Wake up, be alive in your life, and open to the miracle of this present moment.

What about you? How can you be more alive in your life by accepting, enjoying, and being enthusiastic? I’d love to hear…


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