Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Flexible Mind, Happy Mind

flexible

“Do you want to know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens.”
J. Krishnamurti

It’s so simple, isn’t it? “I don’t mind what happens.” It is a way of being that deeply accepts, doesn’t resist, and offers the possibility of profound peace.

If you truly don’t mind what happens, then anything can occur and nothing disturbs. It is the end of emotional drama, stress, and all kinds of suffering.

The Pain of a Rigid Mind

But most of us frequently feel stuck,and we suffer because of it. We hold on tightly to familiar ways of thinking about ourselves, relationships, other people, and situations. And as we move through our lives with these patterns firmly in place, things matter, and we hit edges everywhere that make us react.

He shouldn’t have done that…That shouldn’t have happened to me…I can’t seem to get what I want out of life…I’m a failure, an imposter, inadequate, scared of what might happen. Each of these thought patterns causes an emotional reaction that contributes to the cycle of discontent.

Couldn’t you write a manual on how to be stuck? I know I could:

  • Expect things to be a certain way.
  • Identify yourself as insufficient or incapable.
  • Continue seeing yourself as a victim.
  • Think and feel the same things you’ve always thought and felt.
  • Say the same things you’ve always said.
  • Do the same things you’ve always done.

In other words, be rigid. Let yourself be confined by the past. Don’t consider any fresh perspectives or new possibilities. Stay in the same old, same old.

The Possibility of Being Flexible

But…what if you considered being flexible. If you’re tired of feeling rigid and stuck, contemplate flexibility. It’s a great word, inviting you to be malleable, bendable, stretchy, spacious. It gets you out of the rut of habitual thinking.

Being flexible breathes new life into those places that are so rigid you’re barely alive when you are stuck in them. It’s like a verdant oasis when you are parched and dying of thirst.

Practically speaking, flexibility offers a new way of being that brings a fresh, undistorted perspective to old habits. Almost like a miracle, familiar ways of behaving don’t feel right anymore, fresh thoughts appear, new conversations happen.

How to be flexible?

If it’s out of your comfort zone, take your time to feel into it.

Flexible Body

Allow yourself to feel the possibility of being flexible in your body. I don’t mean the kind of flexibility where you can do a split or put your foot behind your head.

But I do mean flexible in every cell of your body.

When you look closely, you will find that rigid habits have a strong physical component. You feel tense, contracted, and closed down, especially in your chest or belly.

Now try this: offer the gift of presence to your muscles and tendons, to each of your cells. Welcome openness and flexibility into every physical sensation.

Find the places that are stuck – and those that aren’t, and offer the simple invitation to every cell to open and relax. Give them time to release from their contracted state. Practice this exercise for a few minutes a couple of times a day. Isn’t this what your body has been craving all along?

Now it is primed for new ways of being.

Flexible Mind

If you are stuck in habits, your thought processes are rigid. In the spirit of flexibility, let your mind open, and discover new potential you didn’t even know was there.

Recognize the power of conditioned thoughts that are so familiar to you. Now, imagine them breaking apart and falling to pieces to reveal space that is free of habit. They aren’t serving you anyway, so let them collapse in a heap – just for a moment.

Where you held a world view about how things are supposed to be, you find that you are free.

Where you convinced yourself that you were inadequate and undeserving, you are open to the freshness of truth.

Where you were stuck, you can now wonder, question, and not know.

There is no limit to how flexible the mind can be, beyond anything you could imagine. So let it open…more and more…infinitely…to discover its unconditioned state – transparent, radiant, completely alive.

Flexible mind, infinite mind, boundlessly peaceful mind.

What habits are asking for flexibility? What is your experience of flexible mind? I’d love to hear…

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It’s Not Personal

not_personal“We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.”
~Charles R. Swindoll

Are you sensitive, prone to feeling resentment, rejection, disapproval, or disappointment? Then you’re taking things personally, and you know how much it hurts.

It’s one of the human experiences that cuts deep, and we often have trouble finding our way out.

I used to feel personally offended if someone was late or he didn’t call or the feedback I got was less than stellar. At times, it seemed like everywhere I turned, someone was trying hurt my feelings. And, although I didn’t know it, I was a willing participant.

Nothing Sticks

There is so much freedom in realizing that you don’t have to take things personally.

You are lighter, free of the hooks and edges that cause you to feel put down or slighted. You feel open, generous, and compassionate – ways of being that are just not available to you if you are caught in taking things personally.

You live as the free-flow of life where nothing sticks. An event happens, someone says something to you or about you, and here you are – not attaching to any reaction, stable, fully allowing, not resisting anything.

But how to make this shift?

Welcome Your Reactions

The first key that unlocks the door to freedom from taking it personally is to bring your focus to your own reactions.

What someone else says is about them, and how you react is about you. So focus on something you can do something about, which is your own reactions.

If you feed the story, wallow in feeling bad, or run mental loops about what should and shouldn’t happen, you will stay stuck, guaranteed.

These reactions play out over and over, while you are asleep on automatic rather than being awake to what is happening within you.

If, instead, you step back and take the perspective of awareness, you notice something very simple: thoughts in your mind and feelings in your body. You might call it disappointment or rejection, but what is absolutely true in your direct experience is that some thoughts and feelings have appeared.

And these may be very familiar to you.

Why You Take Things Personally

For most of us, these painful feelings date back to childhood. When we are young, events happen that bring about emotional reactions in us. If you didn’t have the means to experience the feelings and let them go, they leave an impression in your body and mind, creating a sensitivity to reacting the same way again and again.

Decades later, here you are, experiencing rejection, disappointment, and shame – taking it personally. Then the spinoff stories start: I’m not deserving, I’m inadequate. These experiences congeal into an identity that keeps you frozen and limited.

You have developed a filter through which you view the world.

Question Who You Are

But what exactly is this identity? It seems so real, but when you shine the spotlight of your attention on your direct experience, all you notice are thoughts and feelings. That is all.

There is no “you,” no identity of one who has been rejected or disappointed. Only thoughts and feelings floating through awareness.

And if you don’t attach your attention to them, if you don’t engage and make them important and tell stories about them, they disappear, creating no disturbance whatsoever.

You no longer take them personally because there is no personal thing called you.

You realize you don’t have to make a big deal over something that isn’t real anyway.

Here is the possibility:  to stay as the sky and let the dark clouds of difficult thoughts and feelings move through. They are nothing more than insubstantial wisps of energy that appear and disappear.

Persistence and Kindness

It takes time to erode these attachments that feel so real, so be very kind to yourself.

  • When you notice that you are taking something personally, step off the habit wheel.
  • Pause and take a breath. You’re halfway there already.
  • Know that these thoughts and feelings are not important and don’t define you.
  • Stay as the sky, clear, open, and undisturbed.

When you discover that it’s not personal, you walk through the doorway to the deepest peace beyond imagination.

Have you discovered that it’s not personal? Still stuck? I’d love to hear…

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What About All the Suffering in the World?

contemplate_suffering“Love is a flame that burns everything other than itself. It is the destruction of all that is false and the fulfillment of all that is true.”
~Adyashanti

I’m so happy to be back and writing again after a long break. Part of the reason for my absence here is that I have been dealing with online identity theft. The takeaway for all of us: complex, unique passwords and as many layers of security on your accounts as possible.

Yes, I see the irony in protecting my identity. Who am I really? Not my name or social security number. But in the realm of infinite possibility, it makes sense to be practical and protect yourself as needed.

What to Do With All the Pain

As readers here, you know that this blog is all about lasting happiness and true freedom. But are these truths universal? Do they apply to people suffering in difficult circumstances in all corners of the globe?

This is just the question asked by reader Tristan, who writes,”Are these answers universal? What should someone do if (s)he is going to be abused tonight if dad/uncle comes home drunk/horny/aggressive. Or lives in a war zone, and may have her/his child murdered tomorrow?

“I know I can achieve my own peace by shining awareness on everything, and my middle-class circumstances afford me plenty of space… but I worry for our sisters and brothers I mention who still suffer in agony while I claim my peace… I feel so such pain over that that if there isn’t a realistic answer for them too, I would actually rather not be alive.”

Yes, these answers are universal. The truth is not selective. It is the reality of everything always. It is stable and unchangeable and applies everywhere and to everyone. So how do we understand these situations of immense suffering?

Deeply Investigate Who You Are

This question invites an investigation of who we really are, and who are all these other beings on the planet who are suffering. Who is it who is peaceful? Who is the one who is suffering? Let’s start with you.

When you look in your direct experience to find yourself, what is there? You will find thoughts that come and go, a body that changes over time, feelings, habits, physical sensations – but you will not find an entity that is you. So who you think you are is all of these experiences congealed into what seems like a separate self.

But there is no actual self, there is just these experiences, coming and going and changing. And the same goes for the rest of the almost 7 billion of us on the planet. We think we are separate, but in actuality, there are no separate selves.

Let’s then go straight to the heart of the matter and ask, “Who are you?” Who you are is the consciousness that comes before all thoughts, feelings, habits, sensations, etc. You are unity, non separation, non division, the space of awareness, the source that everything arises from. You exist, you are.

You are the purity of love itself before any objects or thoughts about the personal self arise. And this is true of every thing, every person that appears to be a separate entity.

Tell the Truth About Your Beliefs and Habits

Before this truth is realized, we buy into our belief systems, habits, and feelings that divide and separate. We justify bad behavior toward the apparent “other” in our thoughts. We compare, judge, and make ourselves and others better than or less than. We are misguided in our intentions, coming from fear, and lack, and not from love. This is what creates the suffering in our world.

And there is so much of it because only a tiny percentage of people investigate the truth about existence, and an even tinier percentage are open to realizing the endless well of peace that is possible. The vast majority of beings on the planet run on mind-created beliefs and delusion, fear and lack.

Don’t we all know the pain of being victim and perpetrator? I haven’t been physically violent in behavior with others (except for a girl in second grade), but I have said hurtful words, pushed others away, and been less than kind toward myself. I have let myself be the victim of others’ unconscious confusion when I knew better. And I know I’m not alone.

When any of our habits go unexamined, and we don’t admit the truth of who we are, there is great suffering of all kinds.

This is true even for those who commit the worst acts and for those who are the recipient of them.

From this place of non separation rises understanding and even compassion. Because when we truly see the apparent “other,” our heart knows there is no difference – we see ourself everywhere. Sometimes this moves us to help others or simply to be so very kind in the simple acts of daily life, including toward ourselves.

This is the ultimate healing – to be alive in the understanding of non separation and to live the unfolding of life in the knowing that all is love.

Allow Everything and You Will Be Peaceful

Should you take care of yourself and your loved ones in the face of threat? Absolutely. In the great openness of awareness, nothing is excluded. Are there times of great helplessness in the face of all the suffering in the world? Yes. And as you let that helplessness in without resisting, painful as it may be, feeling or action may arise.

When you claim “your peace,” it is not actually yours in the personal sense. There is no you to whom this peace belongs. You are touching into the truth of reality that is available to everyone – to all our brothers and sisters who are suffering.

Be a Living Testimony of Infinite Love

All behavior, all events that occur, unfold from original innocence. See that, then feel into the intensity of unexamined belief systems that bring about tremendous suffering. Eventually, only love is left. And, for me, the fire to bring awareness to any vestige of misguided thinking that may remain so the personal “I” dissolves, leaving presence, aliveness, and love.

Choosing not to live because of the suffering of others would be a sad waste of amazing potential. Instead, consider dedicating this life you have been given to living the truth. Clean up all your belief systems that confuse and limit.

Let your brilliance shine in everything and everyone in your daily life.

Since there is only unity, the joy and ease will be felt everywhere, even if it is at the most subtle level.

For the next day or so, look into, and behind, the eyes of everyone you meet – people familiar to you and strangers – and see that the source of you and the source of them is the same. This is where we all meet in love, as love.

Any reactions, comments, or questions? I’d love to hear…

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The Tiny Insight That Changes Everything

“You must choose between your attachments and happiness.”
~Adyashanti

I used to live in a world of “if only.” If only the right partner would show up or I wouldn’t get caught in traffic or my family life would improve. It was an endless life of arrogance – and frustration. If only things would be the way I want them to be. Like I had any control over any of it.

Yes, I was able to enjoy myself at times, but I was attached to all kinds of outcomes, large and small, and I suffered for it. Every time I wanted something to happen in a certain way, I set myself up for frustration, stress, and disappointment.

In those years, disappointment was my middle name. I was really tired of it, but I just couldn’t figure out how to be happy.

Joyful Non-Attachment

Fast forward to now, and I can’t help but smile. Because the unfolding of life is so beautiful in whatever form it takes, and the joy of openness to what is, as it is, is unspeakable. If I have a name at all, it is ease…peace…this…

As I see now, it was always this way, peace was always available, but the power of my attachments kept it hidden from view.

Do you react to life with a big No? Do you want it your way, not the way it actually is? Is Now not good enough? Then you are suffering.

Why wait one moment longer to find your way out of this mess?

When you understand the suffering that attachments bring, wisdom will erode them, clarity will show you that being totally open is sane, peaceful, and true. Frustration and disappointment about what occurs?

Eliminated.

Are You Resisting Presence?

Every attachment contains within it a seed of resistance to what is. The present moment is seen as missing something or not as good as it could be. Attachments constrict what is acceptable, rather than opening to things as they are. Consider these:

  • Hope is about being attached to a better moment at some other time in the future. Are you caught by thinking that something is wrong with now?
  • An expectation desires a specific outcome, not necessarily the one you get. Can you let go of control (which you don’t have anyway) and lovingly receive what occurs?
  • Attachment to a desire limits the infinite possibilities that could happen and sets you up for unpleasant reactions. Can you want something, and take action to get it, without being attached to the outcome?

If your happiness is conditional on things happening the way you want them to, then you will be disappointed. Because your personal desire has nothing to do with it. It is simply a speck in the vast unfolding of life.

From Personal Desire to Profound Acceptance of Life

When you discover happiness, you realize that it is unconditional, not dependent on anything. This means that whatever occurs is received as is.  There is no desire except for what reality is offering you now.

And the happy byproduct? Negative emotional reactions simply don’t arise.

When you are free of attachments, here is what happens:

  • You move from “something other than this” to “oh, this.”
  • Effort to control is replaced by pure relaxation.
  • Doing gives way to receiving.
  • Thinking and story-telling dissolve into effortless being.

Oh, this…pure relaxation…receiving things as they are…effortless being.

Don’t give up your personal attachments. Yes, you read that right.  Rather than efforting to give them up, investigate them. Tell the truth about what they are and how they affect you. Then let your natural intelligence guide you to the peace beyond peace.

Struggling with attachments? Is non-attachment your experience? I’d love to hear…

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The Wisdom of Forgetting Everything You Know

“Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening. You are either stressfully waiting for something – more money, security, affection – or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting.”
~David Deida

Just for a minute, can we please stop frantically trying to control, plan, and delude ourselves into thinking we know what we don’t know? Do you spend your time preparing for every possible outcome and worrying about all the negative consequences that could befall you?

We are so afraid to let go, to just be, to allow the unfolding of this marvelous life without getting in the way. This fear keeps us paralyzed and stuck. And longing for the peace that is possible – if only we would put down all the efforts we make to know.

There is no greater gift you can give yourself than the invitation to enter the world of not knowing.

Why? If you are always going to know what you know now, things will always stay the same. How could they change? And by thinking you know what will happen, you are closing yourself off to the unimaginable – endless peace, unspeakable joy, awe and wonder.

If you cling to what is familiar and comfortable, that is where you will live. Until you decide to take the plunge and let yourself not know.

And consider this: Is the familiar and comfortable working for you? If you are happy, there is nothing to be done. Yay! But if you struggle with people and emotions, if you are frustrated when the world doesn’t go according to your plan, forget what you know and take a bold, brazen step into the unknown.

Getting Unstuck

Here is what not knowing looks like:

  • You wake up on a weekend morning without any plans, and you let your day unfold.
  • You stop saying the same unproductive statement to your partner and let yourself not know what will happen next.
  • You sit and take a breath rather than propelling yourself forward into the next activity.
  • You press pause on a habit without knowing what you will do or say next.
  • You let your routine fall away so you can be guided by the natural flow of things.
  • You let go of, “I have to…” and let yourself rest for a moment.
  • You tell yourself the truth about the motivation behind the things you do, and surrender to not knowing.
  • You forget who you think you are. Instead of same old, same old, you show up fresh, new, and unencumbered.

Just contemplating any of the examples on this list may make you gasp for air. How could you have no plans for a whole day or stop carrying out familiar routines?

How to Forget What You Know

Center yourself in the wisdom of not knowing:

  • You are aligned with the truth of things as they are.
  • You open to the possibility of freedom from habits that are limiting and painful.
  • You live in reality and not in your mind-constructed version of a false reality.
  • You are here, alive, embodied, available.

Then, from this space of your truest desire, simply stop. Have the courage to let life unfold. Put the mind aside and be receptive to what happens next. This is the sacred shift from doing to being.

Maybe you’re afraid you won’t get out of bed all day or you’ll end up like a slug on the couch. Maybe you fear not being able to contain joy or love. Maybe you wonder if your life circumstances will change dramatically.

It is natural to be afraid to let go of the known. Remember that life wants you to live fully and to express yourself in beautiful and amazing ways. But you can’t know what they are.

Be willing to forget everything you know – about yourself, others, and the way you think the world works. Stop, be quiet, and don’t know. You just might discover exactly what you have been looking for your whole life.

What is your experience with the unknown? Does fear keep you stuck? I’d love to hear…

Note: Please feel free to take a look at the book written by one of our readers, Galen Pearl. Here is my review: “10 Steps to Finding Your Happy Place (and Staying There) is an absolute treasure. Galen is a master story-teller who skillfully guides readers right to the heart of what it takes to be happy. She so beautifully walks the walk. Follow in her footsteps, and you, too, will radiate happiness from the inside out.” All proceeds from the book are donated to a program for disabled people.

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