Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Generosity Unleashed – Everywhere

rose shower

“Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing respect that you carry wherever you go right now?”
~William Stafford

Generosity. It’s a word with a beautiful rhythm that glides off the tongue. Even saying it feels like an offering.

Generosity flows naturally from a full and open heart. In those moments when we are free of mental traps and emotional triggers, when we are deeply peaceful, generosity effortlessly tumbles out of us and spreads in all directions. We just cannot help expressing love in every word and gesture.

But somehow, in this love fest, we exclude ourselves. This is an error in understanding. In our minds, we separate ourselves from the whole. In our hearts, we feel selfish and undeserving when we pay attention to what we need. Our inner world is mean and harsh. These are conditioned tendencies – not unadulterated truth – that result in needless suffering.

The Value of Exploring Habits

Odd as it may sound, I am not advocating that you start taking better care of yourself. As regular readers of this blog know, my only interest is in telling the truth about what is actually real. When mental patterns undermine our happiness and drive us to run ourselves to exhaustion, we are being called to peer into these habits, to see what they are actually made of.

Whether or not our behavior changes is a side effect, although the outcome is likely to be greater happiness and better self-care. But these changes emerge easily from the abundance of an open heart and not from another item on the to-do list.

How We Hurt Ourselves

Asking how we can be more generous toward ourselves is helpful. Ultimately, however, we need to untangle the programming that prompts us to deplete and deprive ourselves. Do any of these resonate with you?

  • I attack myself in my thoughts.
  • I judge myself for what I feel or what I do (or don’t do).
  • I shame myself.
  • I force myself to stay busy.
  • I pressure myself to be different than I am.
  • I feel undeserving.
  • I place expectations on myself.
  • I ignore my basic needs.

These are clearly not indicative of the inner life that reflects generosity.

We learn unsupportive habits when we are young. They serve a purpose – to motivate and protect us. Take “I shame myself” as an example. For some people, the goal of this thought is to motivate them to take actions that will win the approval of others. And if they are approved of, they will feel loved and happy. Self-criticism can protect us from taking a risk that might lead to failure.

Chained to Habits

elephantOur need for these habits may have expired years ago, yet we continue to be constrained by them. I’ve heard about how baby elephants are trained not to wander. First, they are chained to a large tree, and they learn that they cannot escape the chain. Over time, they are switched to a smaller chain and tree, eventually needing only a string around their neck tied to a thin branch. Of course, the elephants could walk away, but the conditioning is so ingrained that it becomes their reality.

Just like elephants, we become imprisoned by our habits – until we make the choice to investigate them. We find that what seemed real virtually dissolves under scrutiny. And what is revealed is a supremely generous heart waiting patiently for the space to overflow.

Natural Self-Care

When we understand our habits and how they affect us, they soften their grip. The compulsion to act them out diminishes. We begin to experiment by taking steps out of our comfort zone. We open with wonder to newfound freedom and revel in the possibility to be moved by a heart that wishes us happiness, health, and well being.

As we begin to listen to our needs and desires, we discover the people, activities, and environments we are drawn to and those we prefer to avoid. We become sensitive to ourselves and move through our outmoded patterns so we can act from love. Kindness flows; compassion flourishes. We blow the ceiling off our capacity for pleasure and good feeling. We are willing to:

  • Rest
  • Relax
  • Take care of our bodies
  • Forgive ourselves and others
  • Stop the fight with our emotions

And we are tremendously gentle with the residue that remains from our habits.

Our nature is generosity, and our conditioning stems the flow. When these conditioned patterns are seen through to their root, we recognize that we are included in the whole – we are part of life. There is no separation between self and other, and generosity is unleashed – everywhere.

The Value of Being Empty

Milk jug

“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”
~Paulo Coelho

We are so full these days. Have you noticed? Our lives are filled with work time, family time, social schedules, the daily upkeep of life, not to mention the inner busyness of plans, worries, fears, and self-judgments. Throw in some expectations, relationship concerns, grudges, and unexamined feelings. Phew! It’s a veritable jungle in there.

The Possibility of Emptiness

Just for a moment, think of yourself as looking out through a clear vessel. Nothing is in the way of seeing people and situations clearly. Your mind is quiet. You are no longer confused, no longer sidetracked by mental stories or strong emotions. Infinite wisdom moves through you without being blocked or ignored. Creativity has an open channel for expression. Your familiar idea of “you” dissolves into space.

This is the potential for all of us – to be open, present, and available, to live from inner intelligence, to be in harmony with life. In fact, this is our natural state. Consider for a moment – who were you before all the “stuff” got crammed in there? Who would you be without it?

The Clutter of a Full Vessel

Emptying out the vessel might leave us on unfamiliar ground. The contents are there for a reason – they protect us by organizing our perceptions of the world and providing a blueprint for what to expect and how to respond. But they also deter us from seeing things exactly as they are. When our vessel is full, we are looking through old patterns and belief systems that limit the information we are able to actually take in. No wonder we feel confused.

Early on in life, a friend of mine developed the tendency to act aggressively to get her needs met. She grew up in a home where if you did not fight for what you wanted, you were sure to lose out. She learned to be controlling and even manipulative in her interactions. When she looked through her vessel, she saw people as pawns to be conquered. She was determined to come out on top.

Although this way of being usually got her what she wanted by force, it left her feeling isolated and dissatisfied. Now, with a beautifully empty vessel, she is warm, openhearted, and happy. People feel moved to be close to her rather than wanting to escape her domination.

From Full to Empty

Maybe your vessel is so full that you cannot imagine it being empty. Or perhaps it contains only a few remaining remnants of clutter that block your view. Either way, if clear seeing and inner ease interest you, if you are ready to turn back toward yourself, consider emptying out your vessel. Here is how to proceed.

A Few Points About Emptiness

  • As we get started, take a moment to reflect on this essential truth: emptiness is our natural state. We have not always lived according to our personal patterns and viewpoints. Before they took hold, there was space, potential, limitless possibility. Remember?
  • Being empty invites us to befriend the unknown. Once we subtract expectations, “should’s,” and projections from the past or into the future, we realize how much we do not know. Here is where wonder and openness reside. And perhaps some fear. When old patterns fall away, it is normal to feel afraid about not knowing. Meet this fear lovingly.
  • Be careful not to confuse emptiness with boredom. Boredom feels flat and numb, whereas true emptiness is the capacity to be fully awake to each moment. When we empty out, we do experience less drama, a quieter mind, and a calmer emotional state. You might notice the loss of agitation that is familiar to you, and some people find this shift disorienting. As always, you have the option of deciding what you want, what you want your life to be about.
  • Be compassionate with yourself. Every moment of exploration and letting go is a moment of freedom. If your patterns reappear, forget the times you have examined them in the past, and be fresh with what is being asked for now.

Step by Step

As we explore the tangles of thoughts and feelings that cloud our vessel, stay connected with your intention. Long-standing habits have a momentum that defies their dissolution. For a shift to happen, the desire to look through an empty vessel needs to be stronger than the desire to stay with one filled with debris.

Take a look at what is obscuring your clear seeing. With the willingness to be honest with yourself, what patterns and tendencies are preventing you from feeling clear and at ease? What mental and emotional habits are distorting your view?

Now, put on your curious explorer’s hat, and inquire into whatever you discover.

You might notice a thought pattern that comes in the form of an expectation, memory, plan, hope, judgment, “should,” or inner criticism. Sometimes a thought is so familiar that we do not even think to question it. In the spirit of openness and exploration, similar to the process Byron Katie offers, ask yourself:

  • Is this thought true? Am I believing something that isn’t actually true?
  • How do I feel when I think this thought?
  • Could the opposite of this thought be just as true?

Next, explore feelings.

  • Notice how you react when reality fails to conform to an expectation you hold.
  • Notice how you feel when you are operating based on what you think you “should” be doing.
  • Invite in all the hurts, fears, and resentments to be seen, felt, and held lovingly. These are your long-lost children who have been waiting for your embrace. You might even be surprised at how easily they subside.

Eventually, bit by bit, we begin to feel clearer. We are no longer bogged down by the past. We notice just a little more happiness, joy, lightness, and ease. We realize there is no difference among the seeing, the vessel, and that which is seen. All is clarity, peace is omnipresent, and love flourishes endlessly.

How empty or full do you feel? What has helped you empty out? What has challenged you? What is your deepest intention? I’d love to hear…

Caught by a Pesky Habit? Try Surfing!

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Anyone trying to let go of a habit will tell you how hard it is. No matter how pure our intentions, the drive to continue the tendency can be strong enough to derail us before we know it.

I love brilliant ideas, and I recently came across one called “urge surfing.” Alan Marlatt is a psychologist who for decades has researched treatments for addictions. His findings have helped thousands of people, and this time I think he has nailed it.

All Compulsive Behaviors Are Addictions

Dr. Marlatt’s research has focused on what we commonly think of as addictions, such as drinking and smoking. But I find it useful to view any seemingly uncontrollable tendency as an addiction. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines addiction as “a persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”

Substitute for “substance” any habit that has us hooked, and we begin to see the power of these tendencies.

Take self-critical thinking as an example. The inner critic can be persistent and compulsive, and we know it doesn’t serve us. Likewise, procrastination, fearful, limited beliefs, holding a grudge, busyness, or being continually triggered by someone who annoys us. Any pattern or behavior that perpetuates unconsciously is ultimately hurtful. It leaves us stuck and confused – with happiness and peace out of reach.

Know Your Urges

Enter urge surfing. When we break down a habit, we see that what precedes the enacting of the habit is an urge. What do urges do? They come and go. There is a beginning, a middle, and, most importantly, an end. If we want to surf the urge, we must first learn to recognize it – challenging because it is so uncomfortable. Then, we open our minds and hearts to follow it through to its conclusion, to our ultimate liberation.

We might define an urge as an impulse or itch, but looking more deeply, we discover the direct experience of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. It looks like this:

  • Emotion: fear, lack, desperation, emptiness, hysteria
  • Thoughts: I need…, I can’t stand…, I’m going to go crazy if I don’t…, I’m going to explode if I don’t…, I can’t see any other way…
  • Strong physical sensations: tension, vibration, tied up in knots

Sound familiar? If not, illuminate the urge by allowing your attention to backtrack to the moment just prior to the troublesome behavior. Here you will find the treasure that can set you free.

Going Surfing

Now that we’ve caught the wave, let’s surf. Dr. Marlatt uses the acronym SOBER.

  • S means stop. Don’t move. Don’t take one more step. Don’t move your attention into one more thought.
  • O is for observe. First, notice your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as they are appearing in the moment. Now, open up to receive them. Let yourself experience them fully, with no distance between you and these arisings. Have great compassion for yourself and the pain you might be feeling.
  • B refers to breath. Focus on your breathing, inhaling and exhaling, as the urge moves through.
  • E means expand. Dr. Marlatt suggests that we expand our awareness to consider the consequences if we act on the urge. How would you feel? How would you and others be affected?
  • With R, we respond mindfully (and wisely). We have made it through with enough awareness to ask ourselves, “What do I really want?” and we can respond accordingly. By the time you reach R, you are out of the grip of the craving. You are back, here, alive, available, conscious.

Celebrate!

May I add another step? Let’s call it SOBER-C, where C means celebrate. Take a moment to feel the freedom in your body, mind, and heart. Experience the release. And know that every single time you surf the urge, no matter how many times it takes, the pattern has less of a hold on you.

Open to your inner world, invite your habits to dissolve, and you can’t help but shine brilliantly for all the world to see.

What have you found helpful in letting go of habits? What have been your challenges? I’d love to hear…

image credit

Getting Unstuck by Facing Everything

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I am excited to share with you that this post is part of a collaborative writing project. Today, myself and three of my favorite bloggers are publishing posts on the theme of “Getting Unstuck.” This project is an offering to support freedom. When each of us takes responsibility for getting unstuck, a powerful momentum for true transformation develops. Please click on the links to check out the other posts. These lovely women are, moving clockwise from the upper right of the photo:

And here are my thoughts on getting unstuck:

The only way out is through.
~Howard Nemerov

If the only way out is through, then the only way to truly get unstuck is to experience stuckness. Sure, you can try out a new behavior, take a class, or set your alarm an hour early. Anything that takes us out of our routines and habits can shake things up.

But if we are stuck in a familiar and long-standing pattern, then fix-it strategies usually aren’t enough. Why? Because the only way out is through. The conditioned tendencies that bring so much suffering to our lives are fueled by tender feelings that hide outside of our awareness.

Until we turn to recognize and embrace these feelings, they continue to hang around, nipping at our heels.

This principle of inner work is tremendously useful. If you want to get unstuck, see through to the source of the stuckness. If you want to be peaceful, explore the ways you struggle and fight. If you want more love, investigate the nature of lack and inadequacy. Resistance ends when we bring our attention to the experiences that are actually here, rather than to the ones we wish were here.

Make this a lifestyle, and watch your life transform.

An Example of Moving Through

Recently, I felt stuck, and some would call it writer’s block. I tried making notes, taking a walk, meditating, forcing myself to sit in front of my computer. None of it helped. Then, I had the brainstorm to follow my own advice. I was stuck, so why not investigate stuckness?

To be honest, it was a huge relief. I moved from resistance and problem-solving to actually experiencing what was present. I felt the rigidity in my limbs, clenching in my throat, frustration welling up from the pit of my stomach.

My mind, which had been working overtime to come up with a solution, felt spacious and relaxed, and the words began to flow once again. I went through, and I came out the other side.

Befriend Your Most Tender Feelings

There is no shortcut to this process, and here’s why. Painful experiences are part of the landscape of being human. When we are young, we invariably encounter feelings that are too painful to bear. We may react to events with basic emotions like terror or rage, but we lack the tools and sense of safety to actually feel them.

What happens to these undigested emotional reactions? We push them out of conscious awareness. We ignore or deny or forget. But they don’t go away entirely. They show up in the form of bodily tension, illness, confusion, difficult relationships, unsatisfying habits, and lives off track. We engage in any behavior we can come up with, even if it hurts us, to avoid the pain.

The decision to turn our attention directly into what we are feeling is revolutionary. It opens up the possibility for those disenfranchised parts of ourselves to be seen, experienced, and healed by love.

Discover the Hidden Diamond

Every way in which we find ourselves stuck invites us to find the brilliant diamond hidden among the thistles. If we follow any unsatisfying pattern or reaction to its source, we discover a long-lost piece of ourselves. If we allow ourselves to simply feel the pain, the treasures of peace, ease, and new beginnings are realized. We no longer fight to keep the wolves at bay; the tragic war with our own inner experience comes to an end.

Freedom from being stuck in our habits and tendencies is absolutely possible. Happiness, deep peace, joy, satisfying interactions, fulfillment – these are our birthright, truly. They are right here, even in this moment. But when we are caught up in our patterns, doing everything except being with what is, these essential life qualities have no room to breathe.

Once we make the choice to befriend the painful fragments of our being, our attention is freed from the chains of the past, and these authentic aspects of ourselves are revealed. As these tender parts are welcomed back from the depths of unconsciousness, we begin to relax, we feel whole and light, we are no longer bound by uncontrollable patterns.

So if you want to get unstuck, go through. Bring your loving attention right into the hardest place. I can assure you it won’t be as bad as you think. Embrace what you discover in true friendship and love, and enjoy the fruits of your courageous exploration.

Care to share your experience with being stuck? With getting unstuck? To read more, please visit the blogs of my beloved friends.

Want to Let Go? Be Ruthless and Compassionate

In the last post, we examined the usefulness of unchaining ourselves from old emotional baggage. Readers offered some beautiful comments that speak to the power of letting go. There are certainly those welcome moments when, without our doing anything, the stuck energy of emotions moves through us in one big torrent.

More commonly, though, the emotional and mental habits that weigh us down play a kind of hide-and-seek game with us. We know we engage in patterns that don’t serve us, but somehow the full display stays just enough out of awareness that the patterns sustain themselves. We truly want to stop doing whatever it is that keeps us from being happy, but we just can’t seem to get to the bottom of it.

Rather than waiting for those moments of huge release, it is intelligent to cultivate the intention to investigate these patterns. As we all know, the force of a pattern can be intense. It’s exactly like an addiction that has us by the throat.

If we want to be free of the pattern, our intention to fully embrace it needs to be stronger than the energy of the pattern itself.

Fully embracing a pattern means being willing to take off all the blinders and directly experience our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. It means putting down our defenses, distractions, and urges to avoid and simply allowing ourselves to be aware of our own inner experience. And it is not always easy because the force of our habits can be so intense.

In my own journey, I have found the unlikely twins of ruthlessness and compassion to be essential.

One Twin: Ruthlessness

Ruthlessness is a very strong word. I use it because a strong intention, a fire is sometimes needed to burn through our conditioning, especially when it is well-embedded in us. When we want freedom more than anything, we become open to investigating everything we take for granted, including all our treasured beliefs and emotional dramas. We become intimate with all of it, bringing every bit of our experiences out of the shadows.

To realize complete freedom, nothing is immune to conscious examination – no assumption, no expectation, no identity. Nothing gets to hide; everything is seen. This exploration can be unrelenting, merciless, and unyielding, and leaves everything up for grabs. It’s kind of like dying, where what dies are the unconscious, often deeply-held, tendencies that lead us down a road of suffering.

The desire to know ourselves may smolder in a single ember or blaze through our lives igniting everything in its path. Buddhist meditation master Ajaan Chah says,

“Do everything with a mind that lets go. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom. Your struggles with the world will have come to an end.”

The process isn’t meant to be cruel. It is designed to expose all our misunderstandings and confusions. It can turn our lives upside-down for a while, but eventually leaves us clear, open, grateful, and supremely happy.

The Other Twin: Compassion

Ruthlessness alone is devoid of heart. Although the path to freedom is sometimes quite fiery, it is incomplete without compassion. As we open our awareness to our deepest fears, we may notice the tendency to avoid or judge – anything but actually feel the terror at the core of our being.

Compassion reminds us to relax, to receive, to welcome. What is is. If fear is present, or any other difficult feeling, it just is. We commit to unearthing everything, with ruthlessness, then we receive what is discovered in openness and love.

We find within us the most loving, accepting place that becomes a haven for our challenging emotions and distorted beliefs systems. Compassion is the welcoming invitation for all the disowned and fragmented parts of ourselves. Every experience can come out of the shadows and return home. Habits weaken, and we realize that who we are is whole, undefended, and free.

Ruthlessness without love is one-dimensional, and compassion without fierce determination leaves room for us to slide. Discover your compassionate inner warrior. Commit to openness always. Live in the receiving of things as they are. Know yourself fully, and you are free.

“Wisdom without love is like having lungs but no air to breathe. Do not seek wisdom in order to acquire knowledge but in order to live and love more fully.”
Adyashanti

What challenges do you notice in living a self-aware life? What qualities are important? I’d love to hear…