“Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.”
Hafiz

In this series, we learned how habits develop and markers to identify them. The previous post explained the wisdom of exploring our habits, beginning with thoughts and beliefs. Now we address the world of emotions.

A normal human tendency is to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But this inclination does not always serve us, especially if what we are avoiding is the underlying driver of our habits. Unexplored emotions fuel habits, so to know our habits fully means discovering these emotions and welcoming them in like a long-lost child.

Fear of pain causes us to evade our feelings. And freedom asks us to meet them directly, to move out of our comfort zone, to courageously awaken to our actual experience of them.

As one of my teachers, Gangaji, once said, “Pain is just pain.” When we fear pain, we stay imprisoned; when we are willing to tell the truth about our experience, release is possible.

Meeting emotions directly means doing so without the story about them. If we continue to tell ourselves the story of the feeling – why it is present, who is at fault, what needs to change for it to subside (“if only…”) – then the feeling will persist.

We see the feeling directly, not by thinking about it, but by investigating what it actually is. As you bring your attention to a feeling, recognize any expectations or beliefs you might have about it. Investigate these thoughts as suggested in Part 3 – Examining Thoughts, then receive the feeling as it appears.

As you meet feelings, you become familiar with them like a new friend, or an old one you haven’t seen in quite a while. Open your heart to the part of you that is hurting. It has gone into hiding because it has not felt safe to emerge. It has been driving you into habits that don’t serve you. Create a safe and loving space where your innermost emotions are welcomed.

Say you feel rageful when someone ignores you. The story about the feeling is composed of thoughts: John ignored me, he shouldn’t have done that, I’m furious at him, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind. This is all story, thoughts which have a constrained view of the world, as your investigation will reveal.

The feeling is the rage itself. Move your attention directly into it and be curious about what you find – burning, heat, tension, a feeling of being ready to explode. I know this is uncomfortable, but allow the space for these experiences to be. They may become more or less intense or change entirely. Continue to be open and inquisitive.

Do this with any feeling – terror, rage, grief…

I have sat with intense feelings many, many times, and I live to speak about it. When you finally turn your attention into the heart of your emotions, something wondrous happens. You realize that what you have been escaping is merely energy and sensations in your body. This is freedom! The thoughts are seen to be untrue, and the feelings are physical perceptions. This is all that is happening.

Let’s take another example – someone who procrastinates. The story is: I don’t feel like doing anything, I’m going to fail anyway, I’d rather sit around and eat chips, I’m too tired, it’s too much work. Now what is the feeling directly? Maybe you will see sadness or fear. What is sadness actually like – or fear – in your actual experience in the moment?

Sometimes the feeling that is present is fear of welcoming feelings. Sometimes the most prominent experience is resistance – a hearty “No!” to this whole process. All of these emotions are there to be met in your loving attention. Be genuinely curious and open-hearted; cultivate an attitude of wonder, like you are encountering an object you have never seen before that you want to deeply understand.

Once we are willing to investigate our habits, the inner world of truth and reality opens up. We do not have to “try” to make our habits dissolve. Under the scrutiny of deep love and gentle truth-telling, they just cannot hold up any longer.

How does behavior actually change? By being aware in the moment of what is happening and considering a different choice. The previously rigid habit now has some space. Maybe the rageful one will see that John is not the right friend for her or the procrastinator will decide to look more deeply into the world view of the sadness to see the truth of what has been weighing him down.

The careful examination of thoughts and emotions is the gateway to freedom from them. When they are seen for what they are, we are no longer triggered to blindly fall into the habit. It dissipates on its own, with awareness as the catalyst. Over time, we are unlocked from the identity the habit provided us.

It’s like outgrowing a coat that has been too tight for a while. When we take it off, we realize space, freedom, release. And as habits let go of us, the natural, unconditioned state has an aperture for expression. It may be just a crack to begin, but you effortlessly realize moments of happiness, love, lightness, well being, relaxation.

The final step on the pathless path to the freedom that is always here is to examine physical sensations. The body holds an intelligence that cannot be denied. It is the repository of all learning – including that which occurred before we had the capacity for language. In the next post, we will unearth the treasures contained in the body in the service of the ultimate peace and freedom.

What is your experience with emotional habits? Do you avoid some emotions? What happens when you see them directly?

image credit

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
“Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.”
Chinese proverb

In Part 1 of this series, we looked at how habits develop, and Part 2 describes what it is like to be locked into a habit: rigid, inflexible, uncontrollable behavior and emotions, feeling like a victim, hiding from fear. This is what I would call a recipe for suffering.

Freedom from Habits Explained

This post is the beginning of the breath of fresh air, the ray of sunshine behind the clouds. Habits fragment us. They exist to help us cope and survive in the world, and they are fueled by unexamined belief systems and emotions . When all of our experience is placed under the microscope – when we observe it in precise detail with so much tenderness – we can be free. The elements of the pattern may not disappear, but by observing them, the way in which we relate to them changes dramatically.

This is amazing! We are not trying to eradicate the pattern. Our goal is not to get rid of thoughts or feelings. This is impossible; they come and go of their own accord. All we need to commit to is an ongoing investigation of our moment to moment existence. We are so lucky – we get to be conscious and alive in our lives! We end the trying, the efforting to make something happen – or not happen. What replaces the effort is the simple and effortless act of noticing, observing.

In Part 1, we saw how when we learn patterns we move from being, our original state, to doing. Simply by observing our experience, we move from doing back to the restful state of being. The distinction between the observing and that which we are observing dissolves – there is only this, the indescribable reality of the moment.

Be a Courageous Explorer

Some of what we observe may not have been seen in the light of conscious awareness for a very long time. These are painful emotions that are hidden in the recesses of our minds, bodies, and hearts. Like an old drafty mansion with closed rooms and secret passageways, we live in the areas where the sun shines through the windows. We suspect there may be interesting finds lurking in the hidden zones, but we are way too uneasy, terrified even, to explore them.

The path to wholeness, to reclaiming our true nature, is to put on the searchlight and venture out into the darkness – to find the fragments of emotions and memories that we just couldn’t cope with before. Take your time; go at your own pace. Your hidden treasures are waiting to be seen in the light of day.

Investigating Thoughts

Habits are built on belief systems that need to be examined. These are thoughts that entertain a given view of the world and constrain openness to all views. In my experience, these belief systems come to light only by intentionally digging them out. They catch us before we know it because they are so subtle and believable.

When I investigate thoughts, I sit quietly and write each one down, asking, “What is my world view in this situation?” I see how the beliefs perceive me, other people, the world. What do they expect? What do they need? How are they limiting?

Thoughts Produce Stress

A few years ago, I was lying in the sun, soaking up the warmth. I decided to experiment with thoughts. I thought a thought and noticed a faint tension in the muscles of my body. Then when the thought subsided, I realized I was relaxed. I kept trying it with different thoughts, and noticed that every thought was stressful to my body. Even happy thoughts. The actual experience of happiness prior to the thought was true happiness. The “happiness” in the thought felt created and forced. This was a revelation to me!

Radical as it may sound, I have come to not believe any thoughts. Yes, they help me function in the world – where is the gas station, how does my new dishwasher work. But I have come to disregard: judgments, expectations, assumptions, wishes, hopes, beliefs in anything, even most plans. And it has become a very joyful life.

No More Belief Systems

As you investigate thoughts, please do not take on what I say as another belief system. A true study is direct, immediate, in the moment – and ultimately a solo journey.

The goal is not to quiet the mind or to banish any thoughts. You are simply investigating to see what the thoughts are saying, how they are influencing you, if they are accurate, what they need.

If you would like more resources, Byron Katie offers the four-question method of The Work to investigate thoughts. I also recommend a book by Adyashanti, called The End of Your World. Chapter 4 discusses inquiry into thoughts.

As Adyashanti says, examining thoughts with true curiosity may mean “the end of your world” as you know it – the end of being imprisoned by your habits and the beginning of living in clarity, truth, reality. It is a step away from the familiar and into the unknown not bound by mental conceptions.

In the next two parts of this series, we take a look at deeply seeing the other realms of experience: emotions and bodily sensations. This is the path to total release from the inside out!

I’d love to know how it goes as you become aware of what you have been believing? Have you had the experience of realizing a treasured belief is not actually true? Are you aware of beliefs you hold on to?

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.”
Marianne Williamson

In Part 1 of this series, we learned how our original state is one of freedom, innocence, and openness. We saw how habits form as a strategy of survival in response to challenging relationships in our lives, obscuring this original way of being.

The first essential step to unlocking the prison door is to realize you are behind bars. We reclaim our innocence by identifying when we are caught in a habit. This is easier said than done, as some habits seem like such an integral part of our identities that they are hard to pinpoint.

This post offers a descriptive map to help you find all habits, including those that may be hiding out unseen, and the next three articles in this series detail the path to relating to them in a completely different way. Approach these waypoints with an open mind. Freedom asks us to consider all aspects of our thinking and behavior to see if we are trapped or free. It helps to abandon our expectations, to not take any familiar ideas for granted. Illuminating our habitual ways of being clears the way for our natural radiance to shine.

In what areas of your life are you rigid and inflexible?

When you are caught in the web of a pattern, you are in a well-worn groove, feeling, thinking, and acting in automatic, standardized ways. It’s like having tunnel vision, with only one option available for reacting to or handling a situation. It may not even occur to you that a new and different perspective is possible.

Consider an alcoholic who is offered a glass of wine. The momentum of the habit is so strong that the only possible reaction is to drink up.

Inflexibility can show up anywhere in your life. Take a look at all the beliefs you hold about yourself, your abilities, how you and others should think and behave. Consider how you react to certain situations or people with exactly the same emotions every time and how you try to get what you want from people. Maybe your pattern is depression or anxiety. Perhaps you feel shy or lonely or are ruled by shame and guilt. Maybe you think you are right and are unwilling to entertain other perspectives.

Once these habits begin to relax, we are in the natural state of openness, free of all expectations of ourselves and others. We receive what is happening in the moment and respond as if for the first time. We see situations as they are with clarity, and our responses are fresh and unencumbered by the past.

Are your thoughts, feelings, or behavior uncontrollable?

When a pattern is carrying on unconsciously, you are the robot, the hamster on the wheel. You are propelled by forces outside your awareness that make you behave in self-defeating ways. You observe yourself doing things you don’t want to be doing and expressing your emotions in ways that deplete or frustrate you – but you don’t seem to be able to stop.

If you keep trying to make changes, but continually fall off the wagon, the habit is still in control. The moment of realizing this is a crossroads – a call for celebration. When all your methods and strategies fail, you are ready for a different approach.

The solution to uncontrollable habits is not to try harder to control yourself – the solution is to investigate the habit. Observe how it appears, what the components are. Map out a timeline of how you experience the habit beginning with the very first trigger. Get to know what an urge or craving feels like. See what familiar stories you are telling yourself about the habit.

Are you a victim of your habits?

If your habit is in control, you are a victim. You feel passive and powerless. You may be telling yourself that this habit is who you are, that you will stop “some day.” You give up your power to the strength of the habit.

At any moment, you can decide to stop being a victim. The beginning of the end of a habit is your willingness to be aware of it. If you are willing, you are ready, prepared, and inclined toward something. When you are willing to be fully aware, you bring enthusiasm and interest to directly investigate the habit. This active, empowered approach shifts your experience from stale and resigned to alive and new.

Are you hiding from fear?

As we learned in Part 1 of this series, habits protect us and keep us feeling safe. They develop to shield us from unacceptable and painful feelings.

Simply said, fear activates habits. Fear of being wrong, of loss, rejection, love, failure, success, to name a few. And above all the fear of feeling the emotions that would surface if the pattern stopped, a fear so intense that we engage in all kinds of undesirable activities to avoid them.

Take emotional eating as an example. When people eat mindlessly, especially at night, they are usually escaping from uncomfortable feelings lying outside of their awareness. Fear of experiencing these feelings keeps the pattern in place and the one who is eating at its mercy.

The path out of a habit is to befriend these deep-seated emotions. When seen with understanding, a habit, then, becomes a source of support and guidance. Habits offer us exactly what we need to wake up from them. When we realize we are caught in a habit, we can rejoice in the opportunity to untangle the knot and release ourselves from its trap.

By turning our attention inward toward the habit, we get to tell the truth. We shed light on the belief systems that derail us. We actually feel the feelings that have been ignored for so long. With great compassion, we discover how the habit has lodged in our bodies, and we experience the contractions and tensions directly. We allow what has been suppressed to breathe in the light of day.

In Part 3 of this series, we will put on our miner’s hats to go straight into the darkness to discover the hidden aspects of our habits. For true freedom comes only by shining the light in every corner, by seeing the identities we take for granted and the assumptions we live by. We welcome all of our feelings like honored guests.

Prepare yourself for a wondrous journey.

What do your habits feel like? Maybe you enjoy them? Anything you would like to add?

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence.”
Rumi

Habits so easily operate outside of our conscious awareness. Have you ever eaten a box of cookies before you realized it? Or smoked three-fourths of a cigarette before you became aware you were even smoking? Do you find yourself in an argument with a loved one, even though you intended there to be peace this time? Are you depressed, jealous, stressed out, irresponsible, passive, angry?

These emotions, thought patterns, and behaviors are all habits. They occur with such regularity that they happen without our actually being aware of them. Not all habits are problematic – we look both ways before crossing the street, we carry out the actions of driving. Our bodies seem to know what to do automatically.

The trouble arises when habits interfere with our happiness. And if what we want is to be happy, the solution is to unwind these patterns, to find our way back to our natural state of wholeness and ease. We move from sleepwalking through life to being awake and alive to our moment by moment existence.

How Habits Arise

So how do these habits develop? When we come into this world, we have no habits. Our original state is innocent, open, and free. If we distinguish between “being” and “doing,” as newborns, we are being. We just are without trying to control our environments or the people around us. Our behavior doesn’t have any particular intention – when we feel hungry we cry; when we are full we stop. Newborns live in the unconditioned, prior to any learning.

Very early on in life, the doing begins. As infants, we figure out how to strategize so that our caregivers will give us the attention we need. We smile, cry, or behave in irresistibly cute ways to get food and diaper changes. We want to be noticed and loved.

Habits Become Identities

As life progresses, things get complicated. We may not be able to get our needs met no matter what strategies we try, so we feel anxious and despairing. We are told that some of our behavior is unacceptable, so we feel ashamed. We are criticized, so we vow to prove ourselves or we get lost in self-doubt. Our motivation is survival, safety, and protection. We send painful feelings underground and develop strategies and habits that enable us to cope as best we can.

The results? Addiction to substances or unhealthy behaviors; avoiding conflict at all cost; pushing to get our way; perfectionism; overworking; low self-esteem; arrogance. These habits become our identity – who we think we are.

Our Original State Is Still Alive

So what happened to the original state of being innocent, open, and free? In addition to our habits, we experience joy, delight, beauty, laughter, and love. These are irrepressible signs that our natural, unconditioned existence is not completely buried.

In the moments when our habits and strategies aren’t in play, the light of our true nature has space to shine, sometimes brilliantly. We express ourselves with abandon; we feel expansive and boundless. The unconditioned is always alive.

I remember a lovely day I spent at the beach with a young family not long ago. Over and over, 9-year-old Ellen threw herself into the waves and rolled in the sand, gleefully exclaiming, “I feel so free!” Such a beautiful expression of the natural state.

This is the human condition: we identify ourselves by our habits and live in our minds trying to figure out how to be happy and comfortable. At the same time, we resonate deeply with nature, children, love, happily rolling in the sand and waves – reminders of freedom that are all around us. We long for an end to suffering.

Habits Are Our Friends

And this is the possibility: to recognize our habits and use them as a path leading back to the natural state. Peace, love, effortless joy are right here – so close and so available. When we use them well, our habits become our allies, our teachers. We start where we are by bringing our awareness to whatever we experience in this moment, then peel the onion to journey back to the source.

As we do so, the energy of our habits that has been constrained for so long is seen, freed, released. We return to the natural state where habits are no longer needed. Every aspect of them becomes a gift to support our awakening.

This might sound easy, but conditioning is powerful and some habits are subtle. In Part 2 of this series, we continue by learning how to recognize a habit and how to use the key of awareness to open the prison door.

I used to be very rebellious, and it got me into some trouble. In the name of freedom, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted without restriction, and I certainly didn’t want my autonomy compromised by someone else’s rules. (Just ask my parents.) Truth be told, my willful behavior did not make me happy. It was defiant and resistive and kept me from getting what I really wanted in some important areas of my life. I am so thankful that I finally discovered the wisdom of restraint, the simple practice of stopping that has paved the way for more freedom than I ever thought was possible.

What we think of as our unrestrained behavior coming from free will is most often the reenacting of automatic, unconscious habits. Say you feel angry at someone and have the urge to lash out at them. If you don’t pause to investigate the urge, you end up making a remark you are likely to regret when you calm down later on. Or say you have the intention to exercise, but, without stopping to think, you act out your desire to eat a bag of chips rather than go to the gym. Is this wisdom…or freedom?

Our lives are filled with conditioned habits like these that we call “living life.” Some are benign and others interfere greatly with our happiness and well-being. Do you recognize any of the following: procrastination, low self-confidence, passivity, hostility, judgment, pessimism? Without restraint, we stay stuck in the same predicament that keeps us bound and limited. Restraining ourselves offers a window of opportunity for change to happen. When we pause before the pattern has us barreling down the road to the same disappointing outcome, there is the chance, finally, to discern the appropriate, conscious, desired response.

In this way, our self-sabotaging desires themselves become our allies. Rather than wishing to banish them or make them disappear, they signal us to stop and step away from the developing pattern.

The common meaning of the word restraint speaks to holding back, repressing, and keeping control. The implication is that by restraining ourselves, we relinquish freedom and forgo spontaneity. In fact, just the opposite is true. Real freedom comes from not being ruled by our habitual patterns that are based on fear and confusion. And real spontaneity arises from the space that remains when the habits are put to rest.

Practicing Restraint

Restraint offers a respite, the possibility to regroup, take a different, conscious path, a chance to let go of unproductive thinking and reconnect with what you really want. Elsewhere I discuss the full process for changing habits. Here is how to do the first essential step: restraining yourself. It may be the only practice you need.

1. Find within yourself the sincere intention to refrain from continuing a pattern of behavior that no longer serves you. The pattern can be anything problematic: eating poorly, arguing too much, criticizing yourself or others, showing up late, smoking. Make a vow to yourself, a true commitment to exercise restraint. Your intention needs to be stronger than your urge to enact the pattern.
2. When you notice you are in the pattern, stop. Pause. Take a breath. Step away from it. Put some space around it.
3. Congratulate yourself! You have just succeeded in creating the possibility for the habit to fall away.
4. Repeat 1, 2, and 3 as often as necessary. Every time the urge to continue the pattern arises, stop and refuse to go further into it. Again, step away from the pattern.

A couple of helpful points:

• When you begin, you may not “wake up” from the habit until you are well into it. This is completely normal and demonstrates the power of our automatic tendencies. Whenever you do become aware, remember #3, that realizing your commitment to restraint is a moment of freedom. If you stay the course, and keep exercising restraint, your awareness will eventually kick in earlier.
• OK, I’ve stopped. Now what? Experience the fresh opportunity to be present with your thoughts and emotions, be open to this new and unfamiliar place, see if you gain an insight into the habit, laugh, rejoice, feel relief, feel free.

Regarding restraint, I know whereof I speak. I have become aware of many habits and have chosen to stop. Maybe millions of times. My willingness has been so strong, and it had to be. I wanted to be free of the suffering these habits engendered more than anything. What seemed like difficulty to start has transformed into such sweet joy. I am happy to restrain myself when even the tiniest fruitless urge arises and embrace whatever I experience with full acceptance. Restraint is the beginning of the journey to freedom you can’t even begin to imagine.

Have you ever restrained yourself? What was your experience? I welcome all your comments, questions, etc.