Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Finding Your Way Back to Your Self

“Love says ‘I am everything.’ Wisdom says ‘I am nothing.’ Between the two, my life flows.”
~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

The most transformative thing you could ever do is remember who you are. I don’t mean the “you” who you think you are or the one defined by the roles you play or the masks you wear. Not the one who is driven by fear, insecurity, or need. But the real you – pure, shining, precious, whole, undamaged, undefended.

Do you have the courage to find your way back to your Self?

Recognizing Your Self

You will know when you get there, even if for an instant, and here are the signs. You let go of conflict and confusion. You are lovingly present with things just as they are. You are enthused by creativity, wonder, life itself.

Your personal needs and wants fade in importance, and you find yourself being effortlessly generous and available. With a full and open heart, you let the conditioned patterns and tendencies that have defined you wind down. They are old news, anyway, and don’t serve a purpose anymore.

There is space to express yourself in any way you are called to do so. You listen to life, to love, “How am I moved? How am I to be used?” And you respond with ease. You use your skills, capabilities, and gifts in the service of the truth as it appears in you.

You are empty of beliefs, troubles, and the need to control, yet you are amazingly full and overflowing.

You may not be living in this remembrance of Self, but it resonates because it is true. And here is your task:

  • Bask in the glow of knowing your Self in those moments when the light shines through
  • Untangle the patterns that veil the truth of your Self.

It’s so simple. If this is all you ever do, you will have lived a blessed life.

How We Forget

We all develop false identities so that we can survive in the world. We learn to seek approval or create a certain image that we show to the world or take a stand as independent or defiant. We strive for money, power, control, or love.

And it is so understandable why we do this. Early on in life, we get the message that who we truly are is unacceptable. We shouldn’t feel the way we feel, we should think and act in ways that will please those around us. We learn to suppress ourselves, to ignore and avoid our natural longings so we can feel safe and loved.

And what is the result? Confusion, alienation, separation, and massive discontent. This is how we lose our way.

Some examples: a young girl needing to hide her feelings and wear the mask of being good and sweet so she doesn’t add to her parents’ stress; another being told a dark family secret and needing to pretend that everything was fine; a young boy growing up in the chaos of ongoing verbal abuse with no space to express his feelings; any child with an alcoholic parent who can’t be there to listen, support, and guide.

These situations leave us trying so hard when all we want is to be happy, to rest, to let go of all the effort of trying to be or to get. We want to know who we really are before all the veils, patterns, and strategies have been applied.

The Way Home

The trail of breadcrumbs back to our Selves is always available – we just need to learn how to recognize it. Moments of joy and contentment, the flash of a creative idea, an inner knowing that cannot be denied, a fleeting sense of being connected to all of life, a realization of love so huge that it seems impossible to contain.

When you notice these experiences, stop and let yourself revel in the celebration. You are home!

And then there are the breadcrumbs of another sort. These call us to be honest, investigate, study how our conditioning works, be vigilant so we can choose wisely. Some examples: being caught in the whirlwind of a habit; recognizing the ways you avoid and defend; becoming aware of a consistent pattern in choices you make that don’t serve you; general unhappiness.

If you use these experiences well, you see them clearly with open eyes. You are willing to change and let go. You see them as a reflection of the ways you are veiled, and you stay true to your intention to remember your Self.

In truth, you are never stuck. Being stuck is a frame of mind, unwillingness, a strategy of self-protection. What seems stuck is always ready to soften, and all it takes is your kindness, your clear intention, your willingness to put down all the weapons of defense and rest in things as they are.

Blessed Remembrance

When you touch into who you really are, there is a recognition. Oh, I remember. That’s who I am. We meet ourselves like a long-lost friend.

Just for a second, drop everything, like a hot potato. You can always pick it up again. Let yourself be in no-mind, no-story, no-attachments, no-needs, no-beliefs. Be clear and unidentified. You just might find what you’ve been searching for your whole life.

Do you remember? Do you forget? I’d love to here…

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What It Takes to Bring Light to Darkness

“Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence. “
~Henry David Thoreau

We all have them, so let’s be honest, can we? You know they are there – those places inside yourself that you let hide out in the darkness. They may be memories, feelings, fears, secrets. You try to pretend they don’t exist, yet, in your desperate moments, you admit they are the reason you are not happy.

And oh, what we do to avoid these experiences. We engage in addictions, compulsions, and habits of all kinds. We strategize and rationalize, resist and defend. Anything to keep us from taking off the blinders and meeting ourselves fully and directly.

We live like we are split in two trying to carry on, as the truth is nipping at our heels. And, meanwhile, we deny ourselves the freedom and peace that we long for.

The Fire for Truth

I know whereof I speak, as this is how I lived for years until I got serious about being happy. And once I did, I was on fire. I sought out teachers who could show me the way. I was willing to put my whole life up for grabs for freedom. I became open and receptive.

If you want to know what you are committed to, just take a look at your life, for it speaks volumes. Before my journey began, I lived in a tangled web of confusion, and it showed. Now there is alignment, intention, clarity, and peace.

It is amazing that in any moment, we have the power to make a choice. If you want happiness, you can stop choosing unhappiness. If you want love, you can realize that it is already the essence of who you are. Be inspired, and blast through the limits of what you think is possible.

What Do You Choose?

“How to do this?” you might be asking. Here’s how. Orient your life in the direction of your deepest desire. Honor each sacred moment by intentionally making a choice. Find these qualities in yourself, and make the space for them to flourish.

Be ferocious

Let yourself be on fire for the truth and keep it burning. Be willing to jump into uncharted waters that may be way outside your comfort zone.

Focus

Be single-minded in your desire to know what you need to know to be free. Clear away distractions in your life, which takes honesty and commitment on your part.

Cultivate discipline and diligence

Stay on your path, even when it gets challenging. Know that every moment counts toward freedom.

Embody willingness

Make the commit to do whatever it takes to realize enduring happiness. Let every cell of your being be open to learning and discovering.

Take responsibility

No more blaming, accusing, wallowing, defending, running away, or making yourself into a victim.  These are a recipe to keep you exactly where you are.  Be willing to investigate your own thinking patterns and emotions and keep your attention there.

Get humble

Give up the need to be in control. Abandon your cherished belief systems about how things are supposed to be. Let go of what isn’t working for you. Find teachers and teachings that support your journey and apply what you learn to your own experience.  If you are still suffering, realize that you don’t know everything you need to know.

Set your priorities

Remember that you are always making a choice. Determine your highest priority and align yourself with it in your thoughts and actions.

Discover innocence

Cultivate beginner’s mind. Forget everything you know and approach each moment as fresh and new. Because it is.

Stay enthusiastic

The power of old habits can be very strong. Find ways to keep your intentions and priorities alive in your daily life.

Open to compassion

Be ruthless and compassionate. Meet each moment, even the hard ones, with a full and loving heart.

Trust

Listen to the quiet voice inside you and follow it. Let yourself be moved by your natural intelligence rather than by the mind and thoughts.

Be resilient

It’s a guarantee that you will forget.  Your emotions will get the better of you, and you will feel like you are at square one.  Go inside to find your inner strength to keep going.  Reconnect with what you really want.

Change your life circumstances

It might take time – years, even – but move toward aligning yourself with people and situations that are a reflection of your deepest truth.

Find support

It’s everywhere in books, blogs, online videos, retreats. Keep looking until you find what you need, and when you do, stop. Don’t get caught in endless searching. Take in the teachings and let them flower in you.

I offer you a prayer, from my heart to yours. May your mind be like a still mountain lake without a ripple. May your heart be vast and wide to hold everything unconditionally. May your happiness overflow everywhere.

What is your experience with bringing light to darkness? Anything you want to add or report? I’d love to hear…

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My blogger friends Lance Ekum and Tess Marshall have lovingly assembled an e-book of 60 articles entitled “Love Care Donate,” one of mine included, to help the community of Joplin, Missouri that was hit by a tornado on May 22, 2011.  Please click here to make a donation of any size to the Heart of Missouri United Way, and you will receive a link to download the book.

Shhhhh…Are You Listening?

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”
~Khalil Gibran

Listening is an overlooked and undervalued way of being in our culture. Yes, a way of being, for when we listen, we are still, empty, receptive, alert, and interested. We are paying attention. We are open and available. Can you let yourself feel it right now?

True listening comes from a place of silence. If your inner world is filled up with swirling thoughts and agitated emotions, listening will be impossible. Whether you are trying to hear your own inner voice or the voice of another, you are filtering your perceptions through a haze of lack, anxiety, and confusion.

Imagine trying to decide on your next career move if you are engulfed in fear and overwhelm. Try working out an issue with your partner if you are already adamant about what you want and need. Bear the heartbreak of being too focused on your to-do list to listen to your child’s concerns.

But when you address these habits of thinking and feeling so they no longer disturb you, the whole world opens up. Put them aside, and you hear as if for the first time. You notice nuance and detail. You are clear, fresh, and in the moment.

Start in Silence

If you want to deeply listen, start in silence. Bring your attention inward to discover the space within you that is free of turmoil. Absorb yourself in it. Let yourself be still.

Really, this is all that you need to know. Once you are silent, you have given yourself the capacity to listen. You have let go of pulling in or pushing away. Struggle melts away, and you are open to hearing things as they are. You are effortlessly receptive.

And as you dwell in silence, you can’t help but soften. When you turn your attention away from the thoughts and feelings that provoke you, what is the result? Your heart opens. You feel connected, aware, and loving.

The Magic in Sound

Now from this place of silence, open to sound. Let hearing expand beyond any boundaries to all sounds that arise and pass on. Don’t label what you hear, simply listen. It’s a wonderland out there.

The Still, Small Voice Within

We are always receiving direction about how to move in our lives – if we are open to listening. How is it that we ignore these messages? We are too distracted to listen. We think we have all the answers. We cloud our thinking with drama and emotional upheaval. Then we wonder why our lives are so out of whack.

The medicine for these problems is closer than close. All we need to do is listen.

Recently, a friend of mine said with tears in her eyes, “I know I need to quit my job. I’m exhausted. All I want is time when I don’t have to do anything. I have been living in the structures of my life for a long time and they have lost their meaning.” To me, this is clarity, not complaining. She is finally listening to the still, small voice within.

Listening is the first step, and being willing to act on what you hear is the second. Listen to what you know to be true in the deepest, wisest part of your being. Then have the courage to let your life unfold according to its rightful plan.

The Greatest Gift

Have you ever been deeply listened to? You feel accepted as is, with no judgment and no agenda. Your listener isn’t resisting you or influencing you or expecting anything of you.

Some might say that deep listening is the greatest gift you can offer to another. Try it and see. You might get an insight or new perspective. You might see him or her with a fresh, compassionate eye. And your generosity just might flow back to you a thousand fold.

Authentic listening starts in silence. Be still and pay close attention. Open to all that arises. Trust that you can stop trying to control everything and that you can just be. Listen with your whole being, and the the deepest truths will be revealed.

What have you learned about listening? Do you need to listen more deeply? I’d love to hear…

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10 Steps to Mastering the Art of Joyful Living

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
~Hafiz of Persia

Are you moving too fast to enjoy life? Are you caught up in problems and struggles? Are you pressing forward on automatic, burning the candle at both ends?

This post is all about slowing down – and I’m writing it for myself as much as for anyone reading this. Because it’s time to stop, be still, hop off the treadmill, and return to sanity.

It’s so easy to slip away from being aware. Even with the best of intentions, before we know it, we find ourselves moving mindlessly through life. We go through the motions, taking care of obligations, inhabiting habit patterns, and meanwhile longing for a time when the to-do list is empty. Our minds are caught in mental whirlwinds while we are missing out on what is already here.

We feel separate, deadened, and half-alive.

Joyful living takes commitment. It asks us to be awake and aware in the moments of our lives. It invites us to stem the momentum of our habits so we can reclaim peace, appreciation, wonder, awe, presence.

Do you want to master the art of joyful living? Integrate these 10 steps in your life, and the seeds of joy will flourish endlessly.

1. Bring silence and stillness into your life

If we turn down the volume on all the noise in our lives, we discover the amazing fact that silence and stillness are already here. And when we intentionally allow ourselves to be still, we naturally open to a deep appreciation of the present moment. We become relaxed, grounded and clear, and stress begins to melt away.

How can you bring silence into your life? When can you stop and be still?

2. Clean up

Someone recently told me she feels disgusted when she looks into her closet because of all the clutter. It”s a shame because every moment of disgust is a moment empty of joy.

If there is anything you are procrastinating about, anything you can easily fix, anyone who drags you down, pay attention. Don’t wait or settle for good enough. Carve out the time, figure out a solution, and clean it up. You are making the space for joy, peace, and happiness to illuminate your life.

3. Mind your own business

Do you want to be unhappy and frustrated? Then try controlling things you can’t actually do anything about. Like other people or most situations or the past or future.

If you are caught in an emotional reaction, turn the mirror onto yourself. Let the story go, and see what is actually true in your direct experience. Bring compassion right into the places where it is needed most.

Diligently work on the areas where you get stuck, and joy will naturally shine through you.

4. Give to others whatever you feel you are lacking

So many of us want attention, love, and understanding. We live in a state of lack, thinking that life can begin if only we get what we think we need.

Consider that you may not actually need what you think you need. It might just be an old story that has outworn its welcome.

Instead of living in lack, contemplate generosity. Give out to others what you want or need. Pull out the stops in offering attention, interest, and caring. Your sense of lack will be transformed into fullness. Believing you don’t have enough becomes love overflowing.

5. Use your senses

Life is so abundant right before our very eyes. Slow down and take the time to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. Eating an apple becomes a sensual delight, doing the dishes a symphony.

6. Recognize what is working

It is so easy to focus on problems and unhappy feelings. They grab our attention and won’t let go like a dog feasting on a juicy bone.

Take stock of what is working in your life. Is your living situation a good one? Do you know people who you love and appreciate? Do you enjoy your daily runs or a good home-cooked meal? Simply look around you, and you may be surprised by the bounty that is already present.

7. Live in forgiveness

If a grudge is interfering with your joy of life, then it requires your loving attention. Don’t let the minutes tick by while you live in self-righteousness or regret. Neutralize the stories from the past, and make the choice to live joyfully now.

Then live in amends. If you feel wronged by someone or you hurt another, deal with it. Don’t let it fester. Make a lifestyle of living free from hurts and grudges. You will feel strong, clear, and empowered.

8. Learn from life experiences

Sometimes the road of life is a bumpy one. If you want to master joyful living, be open to learning from the challenges that life brings you. Be honest about what buttons get pushed and recognize when you have dropped into a hole that you can’t seem to find your way out of.

Difficult life experiences are designed to show us the areas in our lives where we are not yet free. Use these situations well for your own liberation. You might have noticed that the teachings come until we understand the lesson. If there is a self-defeating pattern playing out in your life, slow it down so you can become conscious of what you are doing. Then make different, better choices with your eyes wide open.

9. Be pleasant

No matter what is going on in your life, show up in an open, good-natured way. No one likes a Negative Nancy. Stop complaining, and instead be patient, open, kind, and agreeable in your day-to-day life.

10. Lean into joy

Every moment offers a choice. Take a look at your life, and it will show you what you value. Are you choosing stress, conflict, and unhappiness?

Joy provides the perfect barometer for navigating through life. All you need to do is recognize what brings you joy, then follow it. Simple, right? Make room in your life for what is positive, light, and life-affirming.  You will have mastered the art of joyful living.

Do you live joyfully? Where do you get stuck? What other suggestions do you have?  I’d love to hear…

Smiling at Strangers: How to Welcome the Unappealing in Others and Ourselves

Note:  Please welcome guest author Patricia Walling who invites us to be open in all directions, even when it’s challenging.

When a friend of mine was in high school, she took some summer courses in Boston in preparation for college. She had a penpal in Amherst working on his medical coding certification who had agreed to meet her one sunny day, and was taking a Greyhound bus to a large terminal in Boston. She looked up the address of the terminal, and sped off to meet her friend.

A Wrong Turn?

However, when she got off the bus, something felt wrong. The part of town she arrived at felt less like a transportation hub than it did a “hood,” and indeed, when she arrived at the address, she found an abandoned furniture factory, with no Greyhound buses to be seen. She circled around the neighborhood several times to make sure she wasn’t a block off, but it turned out that both the bus depot and this abandoned factory had the very same address.

During these wanderings, three older African-American men had begun to follow her. She was white, from a small, predominantly white town, young and pretty- and very much lost and alone.

She heard them muttering things she assumed were full of bad intentions and was about to panic, but instead she took a deep breath, turned around, and smiled at the three men, opening her arms wide.

“I’m sorry, I’m lost.” She said. “Do you know where the bus depot is?”

Presumably these men were used to being treated as though they were criminals, but when my friend approached them as fellow human beings their tone shifted almost immediately. One of the men, who had a large scar that ran from above his left eye across his nose and down to his neck, was so impressed by my friend that he escorted her all the way across town to the depot, even paying for her subway ticket to get there. Her friend’s bus was late, so she managed to meet him right on time, and they had a great day together.

Diamonds in the Rough

This story could have had a much less happy ending, but as it was it taught my friend a lesson she will remember her entire life: always remember that other people are also people, just like you and me.

It is tempting, if not simply human nature, to categorize people on sight as being different or even as possible sources of harm. We avoid them, fear them, and teach our children to do the same. We misinterpret their behavior as being driven by unreasonable perceptions, if any reason at all, and actively find reasons to separate ourselves from them and what they do.

However, more often than not, the same people we avoid can be great sources of insight, and we can learn the most unexpected joys from strangers, even if the package that joy comes in seems damaged or malicious at first. He or she could be just as kind and wise as your best friend, and indeed, they could even become your best friend if you took the chance to know them.

Smiling at Our Own Strangers

It can be said that the assumptions we make about strangers, we also make about ourselves. We look inward and divide ourselves up, saying that one part is better than another. We distance ourselves from our bad parts, refusing to accept them as part of the whole that makes up who we are.

Yet our flaws, like strangers, contain extraordinary chances for redemption and wisdom. Here are some ways to smile at your personal strangers.

  1. We often judge unfairly, and expect more of ourselves than we can reasonably give. The next time you’re giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and pretend you’re someone else. Don’t just assume you know how other people saw you, but really look at yourself and see it from another perspective. You will find that more often than not, you’ve done nothing wrong.
  2. When you find yourself regretting something you’ve done, examine closely the reasons why you chose to act that way. Don’t write it off with excuses like “I was just being stupid.” Try to understand the root of your actions, and accept them unto yourself.
  3. Last but not least, don’t forget to treat yourself! Calling what you love a guilty pleasure does no good to anyone, especially you. Moderation is key, but you should never regret what makes you happy. See if you can’t integrate it into your life in a productive manner.

Facing that which is unappealing with a smile and open arms can bring us to a whole new realm of acceptance and forgiveness. When we appreciate others as well as ourselves, a whole world of possibilities opens up, and we don’t want to miss that bus. What does the stranger in yourself look like, and how would you approach them?

Patricia Walling is a web content designer for several health care related sites, including Medical Billing and Coding. She self-identifies as a perpetual student of medicine, and can be found most of the time researching anything related to the field. She lives in Washington, and as a result of the long winter there is itching for the sun to return so she can run outside and play!

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The Ultimate Guide to Getting Unstuck

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African Proverb

Congratulations! You’ve done it! You’re sick and tired of suffering. You’ve realized that the struggles in your life are your responsibility. You don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. You are ripe for transformation. Good for you!

Change must be in the air, as your comments and emails so aptly attest to. I feel a momentum of readers here recognizing how they are blocked, walled off, stuck in a rut – wanting to change, but still finding themselves playing out the same old, same old.

This post is all about, “Now what?” You are willing to get serious about not letting these patterns continue. You are eager to take action, but what do you do? Get out the shovel, the clippers, the fertilizer, and the hoe. It’s time to tend to your inner garden.

As you set the stage for change, be willing to get a little dirt on your hands. Stay conscious so you can discriminate the weeds from the beautiful flowers and plants that bring you joy. Learn to sow and fertilize seeds that support your happiness, peace, and well-being.

As you give your consistent, loving attention to the tendencies that don’t serve, they begin to unravel. And when you cultivate a lifestyle that keeps you from going to sleep and letting your patterns run wild, the freedom you long for shows up at your doorstep.

Are you ready, willing, and able? Here’s how.

Inquire

Begin by asking yourself questions that illuminate every detail of this conditioned tendency that has found a home in you. Identify the roots, stem, and leaves – what drives you, your inner reaction, and your behavior choices. Keep an open heart and mind as you ask yourself:

  • What am I experiencing in my body?
  • What story am I telling myself that is keeping this tendency alive?
  • What do I believe to be true about myself, other people, and the world in this situation?
  • What are my expectations of how things are supposed to be?
  • What am I assuming?
  • How do I go from relaxation to suffering? Exactly how does this pattern develop and manifest?

Receive

You now have a whole lot of information about how these pesky troubles arise. Next, take your time with the answer to each of these questions. Let yourself go from thinking about the responses to a felt experience of them in your being. Walk in your garden and smell every rose.

This step makes the unconscious conscious. It awakens us to the truth of these tendencies, so they can no longer hide. It brings light to the darkness, compassion to what we have rejected or pushed away. It takes us out of the well-worn rut so we can pause, breathe, and observe.

  • Close your eyes and receive the response to each question in silence, in stillness.
  • Feel the sensations in your body, one by one.
  • Tap into your inner wise one, then see the stories and belief systems with clarity. Are they actually true? Do they serve?
  • Review the process of how you go from relaxation to suffering, feeling each step. Get to know this experience with great familiarity.

Open

This step is about breaking the chains from the past. It invites you to be open to new possibilities, to venture out into the unknown. There is an inflexibility to repeating a pattern – the ones that get us into trouble. A happens, then B, then C, and without even realizing it, you are reacting in the same unpleasant, automatic way. It’s frustrating. Your heart is beating, but you aren’t truly alive.

By inquiring, then allowing yourself to receive fully, the pattern just can’t hold up in the same way. The jig is up, and the light has been turned on. As that happens, inflexibility is replaced by openness. New ways of responding become apparent. The soil of your being is rich for new seeds to be planted. You see the same old situations and people with fresh eyes – truly as if for the first time.

Maybe you will walk away. Maybe you will discover the kindest heart ever. Maybe you will discover that silence is golden. Be prepared for the unexpected.

Openness asks us to yield to the mystery, to not know, to make space for sane, appropriate responding to take shape. We behave in alignment with the moment, rather than being propelled by old baggage. We are alive, spacious, and true.

Rinse and Repeat

I can’t say this often enough: True transformation requires a true commitment. You don’t explore a pattern once in a while or only when you’re really hurting. Make your freedom a continual choice. Orient your whole life to wholeness, and the riches of the kingdom will be revealed to you.

Be a dabbler, and your movement is likely to go at a snail’s pace, if at all. Your garden will be overgrown, and your fields fallow.

Create room for stillness. Read inspiring books (and blogs). Spend time with fellow lovers of life. Commit to no longer letting your patterns run you, and the whole world is yours.

Are you stuck in a pattern? Have you found your way out? I’d love to hear…

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Are You Rationing Love?

The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.
~Charles H. Perkhurst

Love has so many faces and forms. If we are truly willing to look, we see it everywhere, as it is the undeniable essence that shines through everything. When we drop our beliefs, concepts, and expectations, when we make the space to see clearly, separation falls away, and love meets itself infinitely.

The Myth That Love is Limited

But some of us live in the illusion that love is limited. We barely let ourselves feel it, and we dole it out like it’s our last few crumbs of bread. We live in poverty of love – believing we need to get in order to give. We stash it away, bringing it out on special occasions only.

We are afraid of not having enough, so we keep score, making sure the balance sheet is even. We offer love gingerly, like a miser hiding his precious coins.

Recently, a friend was speaking about his wife. “I care even if I don’t show it,” he said. In my book, this doesn’t fly. Why keep love secret? Why keep the other guessing, wondering, “Does he?” or assuming he doesn’t. What’s the problem with shouting it from the mountaintops?

And how many of us ration love when it comes to ourselves? We move through life running an inner dialogue of self-criticism and defeat. We deny ourselves the joy and delight that is rightfully ours. We fail to see the beauty all around us.

Ways We Protect Ourselves

Love is our natural state. In the truth of non-separation, it reflects itself everywhere. But many of us learn to protect ourselves. Is this you? We wall ourselves off when:

  • We feel bruised and battered from life, having forgotten love;
  • We are afraid of letting ourselves be vulnerable;
  • We fear loving without making sure it will be returned;
  • We feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or exposed.

Somehow we convince ourselves that it is OK to hold a grudge or treat ourselves poorly. It feels normal to ration love.

Yet something inside feels off. We feel alienated, alone, isolated, unfulfilled. We are only half alive, and something seems to be missing. It’s the disease of our modern world, the illness of believing we are separate.

Recognizing Love in All Directions

Well, here is the medicine: don’t ration love.

  • If you have built up walls within yourself, reflect on them with great compassion, and consider breaking them down.
  • Realize the strength in vulnerability.
  • Be kind to yourself.
  • Be uncompromising in telling the truth. You won’t be able to deny love.

Love is the very essence of life. It is the gilded yarn interwoven into the fabric of existence. It is you.

Make the choice to not ration love, and see what happens. It already permeates every cell of your being. Drink it in and breathe it out. Your life will be transformed, I promise you.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.
~Rumi

Do you ration love? Are you a recovered love rationer (like me)? I’d love to hear…

What Creates Problems and How to Be Free of Them

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
~Epictetus

Recently, I set off on the trip to France that I had been dreaming about for five years. As luck would have it, my plane left Los Angeles two hours late, and by the time we arrived in New York, after circling for another hour, I had missed my connection. The result was an overnight in an airport hotel and one less day in Paris.

But was this situation a problem? I knew I had a choice.

How We Create Problems

Every day we encounter circumstances that we can turn into problems – if we want to. Do you want more problems in your life? Here is the how-to:

  • Tell yourself that what is happening is bad or wrong or shouldn’t be happening.
  • Think of all the negative consequences.
  • Repeat these negative consequences to yourself over and over.
  • Experience a feeling and don’t examine it.
  • Create a stressful or depressing story about what is happening based on this feeling.
  • Repeat this story to yourself over and over, embellishing it each time.
  • Ignore any positive aspects, benefits, or opportunities this experience offers you.

Sound familiar? When I realized I would miss my connection, I could have been irate and disappointed. I could have blamed the airline and thought about what I was missing out on. I could have created a lot of trouble for myself – unnecessary trouble, if you ask me.

Separate Facts From Reactions

But isn’t this what we do all the time? We take the facts of a circumstance, then apply stressful thoughts and feelings to it that launch a problem.

And here’s the truth: the problem isn’t inherently contained in the circumstances – it is added on to the facts. Need evidence? Just look around you. There is a myriad of reactions possible to any event – not just your habitual one.

Facts are facts, but reactions are up for grabs. We cannot change circumstances, but how we respond to them is under our control. And this is very good news.

If you are willing to bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, you can recognize them, see them as simply experiences that arise, and choose to not get involved in them.

Freedom from Problems

This is the amazing possibility: we don’t have to turn circumstances into problems.

Ready for the how-to? Here goes:

  • See the facts of whatever is happening as separate from your thoughts and feelings about these facts. This essential step creates the space to get out the microscope, become a scientist, and intimately study your thoughts and feelings.
  • Notice the content of your thoughts. Are they stressful, negative, heavy with emotions? Do they run in an endless loop like a hamster on a wheel? Is this what you want?
  • Notice your feelings. See that a feeling actually consists only of thoughts and bodily sensations. Can you allow these experiences just to be present without letting them fuel more thinking?
  • Now go back to the facts. What is this circumstance offering you? What are the benefits, blessings, and opportunities for insight and understanding?

As I realized the plane to Paris would be taking off without me, I surrendered. And in that surrender, I saw:

  • The kindness of the airline agent who patiently helped me at midnight, well past his quitting time.
  • The grace of the hotel reservations clerk dealing with an onslaught of people checking in.
  • The good humor of my fellow passengers.

My jet lag wasn’t as bad as it would have been if I had made the connection, and I had the time to work on another blog post. In the end, something happened, but I couldn’t find a problem anywhere.

Are You Willing to Be Free of Problems?

My question – and challenge – to you is this: Are you willing to see how you create problems out of facts? Are you committed enough to your own peace and happiness to make the radical move to eliminate drama from your life?

Since we manufacture problems, we have the power to be free of them. And in this freedom lies the simple, amazing, awe-inspiring, heart-expanding glory of being alive.

Now it’s your turn. Can you see how you create problems? Have you discovered how to be free of them? I’d love to hear…

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Note: My friend, Christopher Foster over at The Happy Seeker, is offering a beautiful course on how to keep the light alive as we age. You may want to check it out.

Get to Know the Voice of Fear – Your Life Depends on It

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

~Thornton Wilder

In the last post, we talked about befriending fear. The comments were so heartfelt and the emails I received so amazing as people testified to the transformation that is possible when you make fear your friend.

See for yourself in these moving words from Tameka:

“Without becoming friends with my fear, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, in a little cafe in Vientiane, Laos. I wouldn’t have left everything I knew- all my creature comforts, my life as I knew it- and traveled alone as a 23 year old, throughout the whole of Cambodia, Thailand, and now Laos, despite the fears of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be floating and fluttering around this beautiful universe, too afraid to live my own life, for fear of leaving those who need me.”

How do we go from barely living a life limited by fear to one that expresses our unique gifts and longings? How do we inhabit our lives fully? We let fear come along for the ride. We don’t use it as an excuse or justification. As Justin commented, we accept it and move on with our plans.

Recognize the Voice of Fear

If your intention is to not be deterred by fear, you need to know it intimately. You need to study it so you recognize when it is tapping you on the shoulder and asking for attention. Its voice can be subtle, so learn how it speaks.  Here are some examples:

  • I can’t disappoint my family.
  • I might fail.
  • I doubt if I can do it.
  • I might get overwhelmed.
  • I will have to work too hard.
  • I will be outside my comfort zone.
  • What if it gets difficult.
  • I don’t know how to start.

I could go on and on. Do you see the commonalities? I can’t…what if…I doubt…I don’t. These are all signs that fear is in charge. They are thought patterns that assume the negative and question the movement of your heart’s deepest desires.

In fact, these limiting thoughts arise just after a moment of clarity when something you are passionate about comes to light. Trace each one back to its origin, and you will find what makes your heart sing.

Let Your Heart Sing

Fear is a natural part of the human experience. Its goal is protection and survival. But when we feel the call to step out into the unknown to experiment, create, and manifest our own unique song, we need to learn to navigate with fear. We acknowledge it, study it, then make a reasoned and intentional choice.

Which is just what some of the members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have shared.

Emma of Graceful Balance writes,

“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”

And Tameka says,

“Seeing it for what it is, recognising when it does have real merit and pushing through gently, as to not hurt its feelings. It is a part of us, after all!”

How to befriend fear? Treat it with kindness. Don’t push it away. Say, “Yes, you too,” with compassion,  then step outside it and move forward from clarity.  This is the end of violence and separation, and the beginning of life.

I’ll leave you with the words of Rumi, the Sufi mystic, from a poem called, “The Guest House.”

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Can you welcome fear in? Can you treat it honorably? I’d love to hear…

Note: As you know, I’ve been traveling, so I’ll be taking a week off from writing.  I’ll have a fresh post, ready to go, in a couple of weeks.

Love to you,

Gail

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Please Don’t Let Fear Limit You

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate…Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.”
Christopher Reeve

I had an epiphany the other day. For months, I have been planning a trip – traveling alone for three weeks in France. Two days before I left, I noticed fear…panic…doubt. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

And then the light turned on. Would I give up this trip because of fear? Would I stay home and play it safe? Would I deny the “Yes!” that has pervaded my plans every step of the way? Never.

This is why it is essential to make fear your friend. If you live in the fantasy that life will start once you are no longer afraid, you will be playing the waiting game forever. The antidote? Get real.

I know you might be glazing over by now, thinking this is just another self-help post telling you to beat your fear. It isn’t. I don’t want you to beat your fear. But I do offer an invitation to turn toward it and see it clearly. I invite you to drop your veils and defenses and get serious about what you actually experience and what you want. I invite you to stop running and let yourself live into the fullness of you.

When you avoid fear, you let it rule. Unexamined fear takes root, paralyzing you and keeping you small. You miss opportunities and turn away from your true path.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that if you learn to walk with fear in the moments of your life that you create the space to express yourself without limit. As a popular book says, you feel the fear and do it anyway. So don’t simply read these words. Take them on, reflect on them, and don’t let fear deter you any longer. The whole world is waiting for you.

No Goal

Deeply understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Ever. Fear may go away for a time, but don’t be put off if it returns. See it as an opportunity every time. Repeat the sacred mantra of acceptance, “Oh, this,” then move forward including, rather than excluding, fear.

Stop Fighting

Take the attitude of working with fear rather than fighting against it. Think of an aikido master who accesses power by moving with the energy of his opponent. Your power comes from putting down the fight and allowing fear to be present.

End of Story

Know that repeating a story of fear strengthens the feeling. Notice your internal self-talk. If it is telling scary stories about the future, fear is the culprit. Bring your attention directly into the feeling instead. Repeating fear-based stories simply doesn’t serve.

Knowledge Is King

Get to know fear intimately in every moment in which it arises. Become familiar with what triggers it, notice it, see how it moves in your body, tune into how it affects your thoughts and behavior. Be an expert in fear so it stops dominating you.

Choose Wisely

Once you have the lay of the land, make a choice. You know fear is present. You recognize that it tells you to put on the brakes or not move forward. It persistently taps you on the shoulder, saying, “I can’t,” “I shouldn’t,” “I better not.” It makes you doubt yourself endlessly. Now, here is where the rubber meets the road. Are you man or mouse? What do you really want this life to be about?

I imagine I will have the opportunity to work with fear in the next few weeks. My French will fail me, I’ll get lost, I’ll hesitate walking into a restaurant alone. But I stand in the truth with fear as my companion, whenever it happens to arise.

And this I know for sure: the only problem is that which is created by thinking. I can think myself into fear and distress, or I can relax and enjoy. Guess which one I choose. And you?

Have you made fear your friend? What has been the effect? I’d love to hear…