Blog - Dr. Gail Brenner

Lessons of the Heart

“When you beautify your mind, you beautify your world.”
~John O’Donahue

“Can you explain the sinking into your heart for me?”

This is a beautiful question I received from a reader, Paul, in response to the post from a couple of weeks ago. It was about pressing the reset button – the choice that is available in any moment to stop feeding the momentum of a reactive pattern.

If you are caught in an emotional whirlwind, or if you are consumed by a flood of thinking, you can stop, pause, connect with your wisdom and intelligence, and reset. Ahhhh, sanity.

I mentioned that one of the ways to reset is to let go of thinking and sink into the heart. This is what prompted the question. What exactly does that mean – to sink into the heart?

The Value of Inquiring

I love this question because it is penetrating. You could easily assume that you know what it means. After all, everyone has a heart. But let’s make sure. Let’s inquire deeply, so you can fully understand. Let’s shine the laser on even the most obvious idea so you can drill down to the absolute truth of it.

Only then can you relax.

Your mind stops questioning, so you can live the answer.

Isn’t that what you long for?

So let’s take a deep, penetrating look. What does it mean to let go of thinking and sink into the heart?

Lose Interest in Thinking

We all know what it’s like to be caught up in thinking. You judge, ruminate, worry, plan, and tell yourself sad or scary stories. You negotiate and justify and defend. When the mind is functioning in full force, you can’t possibly be fully available to the moment.

Now the letting go part. If you make the choice to become less interested in thoughts, your attention will naturally move away from thinking. Then you are available to presence, reality. And this is the realm of the heart.

Without attention to thinking, miraculously you notice sounds and sense perceptions that were always here. You are quiet enough to realize there is breathing, the wind on your face, tension in the jaw, a feeling you’ve been ignoring.

You are waking up to what is. Mind clear and alert. Eyes wide open. Seeing and hearing from the space beyond eyes and ears.

I used to do silent meditation retreats where, after a few days, the mind would become very still. Looking out through my eyes everything was so clear and precise. There was a great sense of peace. At first, I thought something was wrong, and I would look in the mirror to see if my pupils were dilated.

Now I understand that with no interest in thinking, the reality of what is actually here in the moment becomes obvious. No distractions, no hiding, no pretending.

With nothing whatsoever in the way, what remains is infinite clear seeing, unlimited awareness. Perception of everything that is so amazingly fresh.

And in this clarity, heart-centered qualities appear naturally – compassion for people and situations, being overcome by beauty, gratitude overflowing.

A Practical Experiment

I invite you to try an experiment, just for a moment. Think about something with gusto, then let go of the thinking. Be awareness itself, fully open and allowing.

******

I just tried this myself and noticed a palpable difference in my experience. Thinking felt tight and contracted. But once I stopped feeding thoughts and opened to awareness, there was the sound of birds, the rays of sunlight dancing with the leaves, and a sweet softness and relaxation.

Live in the Heart

“Sinking into the heart” is a remembrance of our true nature, or, as one of my teachers says, our “infinite magnificence.” When we disconnect from thinking, there is somehow an unshakeable knowing that we have arrived home. Who we are is not our thoughts, not the individual entity we call the body or Paul or Gail.

Separation is seen as untrue, and what is realized is the inter-being (as Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh says) of all of life. In the realization of this wholeness of all, with nothing excluded, is the unnameable. But probably the best word to describe it is love.

The suggestion to sink into the heart is an invitation to align with life, to let go of resistance, and to know ourselves as love, as life itself.

What is your experience with losing interest in thinking? Is it hard or easy? What happens? I’d love to hear…

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It’s So Simple: Just Press Reset

“Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”
~Jill Bolte Taylor

Teaching stories are everywhere, like this one, for example. My new husband and I were lost in the woods this weekend, and, well, what else to do but take out our iphones.

In a minute, his showed us the way, yet mine was woefully blank. A trip to the Apple store solved the problem – a simple reset, and I was good to go.

Reset Applied

The next day, I found myself grumpy and stressed. Then the lightbulb went off. Oh, a reset! And that was all that was needed. The clouds cleared, and there was openness and peace once again.

Really, my choice to reset changed the whole tone of the moment and the rest of the day.

Can it be as simple as that? Absolutely. You are never more than a nanosecond away from sanity. You are closer than close to knowing yourself as aware presence, alive to all possibilities.

Just as you choose to be troubled and downcast, you can opt for a reset. As the quote by Jill Bolte Taylor says, “Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space.”

It’s Your Choice

Take responsibility for your mood, what you think about and believe, your attachments. Take responsibility for happiness, and you will see that this simple shift changes everything.

Here’s how it works:

Reset: What do I really want in this moment?
Reset: What is most important right now?
Reset: Let me forget about thinking and sink into the heart.
Reset: What emotion, expectation, or idea do I need to let go of – right now?

Maybe you think if you read enough blog posts, one day you will magically become happy or more in control of your thoughts or feelings. Maybe you think that happiness is not possible for you.

My suggestion to you is: don’t just read – try it out in your own experience. When you find yourself stuck in lack or misery, press reset. Clear your screen completely, and look out with fresh eyes. Drop the veils that hide your magnificence, and relax into the space of no projections.

Here each moment is brimming with potential. Whatever seemed frustrating or painful dissolves. You sparkle with creativity and openness. You are flexible so new solutions come to mind.

The amazing good news is that you don’t have to settle, you don’t have to accept good enough. Take responsibility for the energy you bring to any space.

If you are struggling, reset. It’s the button you are always carrying, right in your back pocket.

How do you reset if you’re having a hard time? Do you find it difficult? I’d love to hear…

In case you haven’t heard, I am offering a free ebook, “Tending Your Garden of Everyday Joy: 30 Reflections for a Flourishing Life.” It is my gift to you in appreciation when you sign up for the mailing list. Simply click here.

Your Guide to Everyday Joy

Tending Your Garden of Everyday Joy: 30 Reflections for a Flourishing Life. This is the title of the new ebook I wrote, and I am happy to give it to you for free.

All you need to do is click here sign up for the mailing list, and, you will receive a link where you can download it. And if you are already on the list, you will receive the link, too. It is my gift to you because I appreciate your support of what I offer here at A Flourishing Life.

I love this book because I designed it to be very useful for you. Really, it tumbled out of my heart and onto the page. It contains 30 short passages that you can reflect on, study, then diligently apply to your own life.

Here is #22, From Unworthiness to Wholeness:

A pattern of thinking that is way too common these days involves people feeling that they are lacking, unworthy, or insufficient. This is a story that masks the magnificence of who you truly are.

If this story defines you, consider leaving it behind and walk out into the light of your full potential. Be loving and kind toward yourself whenever the story appears, but be ruthless in realizing, over and over, that it is not the reality of you.

Somehow you learned to believe that you are limited. Pull this weed from your garden, and create the space for your unique creative self to shine.

Can you live from wholeness today?

In a way, everyday joy is serious business. It invites you to stay very aware of the choices you make – and you make millions of them every day – so that you can stay connected with what you really want.

This is not a book of affirmations or trite suggestions. It offers what you need to know so that you can live the moments of your precious life in everyday joy.

I recommend that you take your time with these reflections. Stay on each one as long as you feel moved to – a day or a week – and return to them often.

It seems easy to forget your true magnificence when thoughts and feelings take hold. This book is about remembering. Remembering who you are – truly magnificent you.

Make everyday joy a priority, and you will see results – every day.

I’d love to hear your feedback, so feel free to comment once you’ve taken a look.

Love,
Gail

The Power of Vowing

“I pledge to meet you with openness and acceptance in the moments of our life together.”

These are the words that my partner and I will be saying to each other at our wedding ceremony next Friday. Yes, I’m getting married, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

The process of creating our ceremony has been revealing in unexpected ways. Over the years, I have made commitments to myself, but speaking a vow to my beloved in front of our family and friends is potent.

After all, I live with a great deal of integrity, so if I make a vow, I intend to keep it.

But I want this vow to be freeing – not loaded with should’s and feeling like a prison. So I take it as an expression of my deepest desire: to meet all of life with openness and acceptance.

Which includes being open and accepting of myself when I fall short.

You can think of it this way: the noun “vow” is lived as a verb. It is a living, breathing, spacious, loving way of being.

So I invite you to fill in the blank: I vow to….

Take your time with this. Get quiet, bring your attention inside, and let the answer come from the deepest part of your being.

Then watch how your life aligns in unimaginable ways.

Years ago I gathered my fragmented life and committed to knowing the absolute truth, no matter what. Some areas are still a work in progress, but here I am, marrying a man who is amazing, and the right match for me, beyond anything I could have ever dreamed up.

All I can say is, “Thank you.” I am on my knees with gratitude.

Have the courage to state what this life is about. Be conscious, awake, and infinitely loving. Every moment is more precious than you could ever know. Make a vow, and you won’t miss out on what you have been given.

Now it’s your turn. What do you vow to? Say it in the comments below, let it be known with all of us as witnesses. Then live it, and the rest will be taken care of perfectly.

Love to you,

Gail

PS: I’ll be taking a couple of weeks off, and I’ll be back with you later in February.

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10 Life-Changing Facts About Anger

“Yes, I was angry. And I was a little afraid. After all I’ve not been free in so long. But, when I felt that anger well up inside of me, I realized that if I hated them after I got outside that gate, then they would still have me. I wanted to be free so I let it go.”
~Nelson Mandela upon leaving prison after 27 years of confinement

Frustrated, impatient, pissed off, raging…aaarrrrrrgh! Yes, it’s normal to feel angry – you are human, after all. But if anger causes problems in your life – if it interferes with your health and happiness – then consider these 10 life-changing facts. Get curious about anger, and you just might discover an untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes you up to the whole of life.

1. It’s easier to feel anger than hurt.

Anger tends to be a surface emotion. But if you look at what is driving the anger, you will often find hurt, pain, or fear. Can you tell the truth to yourself about what you are actually feeling? Can you meet the depth of your experience with supreme kindness? You might be surprised at the freedom you discover.

2. Anger has a strong physical component.

Bring out the microscope when you are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness, contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical sensations.

Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t actually combust, I promise you. Be real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.

3. Perfectionists are angry.

Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine.

Don’t kid yourself – this is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies, then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.

4. Stories sustain anger.

Angry stories barrel through our minds like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. Yes, what happened happened. But how much longer are you going to let it be your ball and chain?

Here are some strategies to help you soften the story:

Open up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself.
Recognize that you are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly.
Bring your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really want.

5. Anger comes from an overblown sense of self-importance.

Often, what underlies anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.” There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs of that “I” that causes separation and disharmony.

Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that they keep you locked into one way of thinking. Then inquire:

Am I really right?
Does this wanting to be right serve me – and others?
What does it mean to want my own way? What are the implications?

Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle the deepest knots that block your happiness.

6. Anger causes separation.

Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, makes them fight back or shut down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger. “How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar?

Remember that anger – or any reaction – is not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the situation will shift.

7. Anger gets attention.

Maybe you express anger because you want attention. Depending on the circumstance, this could be a useful strategy.

But consider this: there may be other ways for you to express yourself so that you are heard. Open up your mind and heart to all the possibilities.

8. Unexplored anger can mute your experience of life.

Are you sitting on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live? Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of their experience.

Are you asleep at the wheel, attached to inner peace and pleasant living? Exploring the seeds of anger can enliven you to all of life.

9. Anger can transform into useful action.

Taking in all the problems in the world can bring about a sense of injustice. Yet, if you move from anger, you are missing out on the whole picture.

Meet your anger with love and let your heart break open. Then move forward with actions that are wise and skillful.

10. Anger traps you.

The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you.

But there is an alternative: feel the sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally – revealing more and more deeply the essence of you.

How does anger impact your life? What is your experience of dealing with it? We’d all love to hear…

Note: This post is part of the Life-Changing Facts series. Check out the others: fear, attachment, habits, healing the inner critic, happiness, and healing the pain of the past.

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Why Being Open Is the Key to Your Happiness

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”

~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Are you closed, defensive, or shut down in any area of your life? If so, then you know how to suffer. Here’s the recipe:

Don’t be open to new perspectives
Be unwilling to question your thoughts
Don’t try to think and act differently
Stay attached to your emotions and your need to be right
Fight for your right to continue being a victim
Resist getting help
Refuse to change

Not Necessarily Stuck

Suffering is inevitable in our human journey. We all experience challenges as we grow up. You learn strategies and develop beliefs that protect you when you are young, but ultimately don’t serve you.

You get conditioned to avoid, rebel, and mold yourself to please others.

And you act out patterns, unconsciously, without recognizing their origin. You might even wear them like a banner, defending your position and denying your need to change. This is the nature of being human, which touches into so much compassion for the tenderness of it all – in ourselves and others.

But here’s the clincher:

Suffering may be inevitable, but being stuck in suffering is not.

It’s miraculous that you can bring your attention into your inner world, question your thoughts and investigate the reality of your feelings, and discover that freedom is here – so close and available.

It’s amazing that it is possible dispel the distorted ideas and the needs and fears that drive you. And it all begins with openness.

Openness breathes fresh air into the stale cave of your conditioned habits.

The Value of Openness

You might be holding onto your habits like a cloak, but openness invites you into the purity of your heart prior to any conditioning. It suggests the possibility of being free of patterns and identities. It paves the way for returning to wholeness.

When you are open, you don’t assume anything to be true. You are innocent, like a baby. Humble and available. You are interested in inner reflection, and you lead from curiosity. You experiment and explore.

You can receive teachings and intelligent advice. You shed ideas and attachments to discover the freedom that lies underneath them.

Opening to Resistance, Too

Openness may be the key to your happiness, but resistance needs to be respected. If you find yourself unwilling and stuck, can you open to that as well?

Be kind and accepting of yourself even when your heels are dug in and you refuse to budge. Let yourself be as you are in your defensiveness without adding another layer of resistance.

Feel what it’s like to be closed to its very core. Be totally stuck without the story of being stuck. Opening to this raw experience is the path back to yourself.

Openness is a virtue, and this virtue will set you free.

Where are you closed and stuck? Where are you open? I’d love to hear…

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The Ripple Effect of Your Grace-Full Life

“Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.”
~Sharon Salzberg

It never ceases to amaze me how much everything matters. To say that all things are interconnected is an understatement. Really, everything you do, say, and think is part of the whole and, in some way, affects not only yourself, but everyone and everything else.

This is a powerful teaching that invites each of us to take full responsibility for the choices we make. Even the tiniest ones have a ripple effect. Do you come from fear or from love? Are you in resistance or aligned with life?

Answer these questions truthfully, and you will begin to understand the practical significance of your day-to-day choices.

The Ripple Effect

A friend of mine manages a restaurant where the chef is a tough, controlling character. Some might call him a bully. He rules the roost by forcing the orders to be prepared in a certain sequence even though it doesn’t make sense, then doesn’t allow the kitchen staff to speak to one another to coordinate. This leaves the salad maker standing idly when there are salads to be made and all eight food preparers shaking in their boots in response to his angry outbursts.

See the ripple effect? One person affecting eight people directly who have low morale and undoubtedly take their work stress home. Let alone the servers, the management, and the restaurant patrons waiting for their food. Then the effect on everyone they come into contact with…and on and on it goes.

There must be a better way.

This morning I stopped at a diner for breakfast. I was greeted by a lovely Indian man who literally bowed to me in greeting and was served by a waiter just oozing with sweetness. I left with my heart singing, and now you are the fortunate recipient of their kindheartedness coming through me. May it ripple out everywhere.

The Ultimate in Taking Responsibility

What is amazing is that being a bully or an angel is under your control. Your starting point may be a place of suffering and alienation. You might be absorbed in self-pity or terrified to connect.

This is not a problem because transformation is always possible.

Once you understand that what you say, think, and do matters, you can become meticulous about the choices you make in any moment.

Your Unique Ripple

Begin by contemplating the ripples that flow out from you.

Does your way of being serve you and everyone else?
Are you at ease enough within yourself to choose wisely, not haphazardly?
Are you lost in emotional reactions, or are you conscious and aware?

I spoke with a 94-year-old woman recently who told me she is ready to die. She looks back on a life well-lived, feeling satisfied and content. She is at peace.

I know I don’t want to be on my deathbed with doubts and regrets, and I imagine you don’t either. The moment you have is this one, and the potential impact of your choices – every single one of them – is profound.

Your Grace-Full Life

You can’t help but be part of the whole. This is not only your life that we’re talking about. How you speak to your loved ones, the energy you bring to your work, how you spend your down time – it all matters.

If you are stuck in being reactive, if you find it difficult to make choices that are beneficial in any area of your life, then commit to taking care of business. Look into yourself and tell the truth so your habits can begin to unravel. Make a project of being aware, even in the hardest of situations. Get the help that you need so you can live your grace-full life.

When you truly understand the power of all your choices, what do you choose?

I’d love to hear…

Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive starts January 13: Are you ready to go deeper in your exploration of what limits you to discover freedom from fear? Consider joining the 3-week “Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive.” I am so excited about the possibilities it offers you because it is chock full of practical, straightforward information you can apply to the moments of your precious life. Please click here for more information and to register.

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10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear: Take Two

Are you ready to go deeper, to really commit to discovering freedom from fear, consider joining the 3-week Flourish in the Face of Fear intensive. I am so excited about the possibilities it offers you because it is chock full of practical, straightforward information you can apply to the moments of your precious life. Please click here for more information and to register.

In the support of this upcoming event, I am reprinting a popular post I published a year ago called 10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear. Address your fear directly and see if your life doesn’t change in some amazing ways.

10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear

“The presence of fear is a sure sign you’re trusting in your own strength.”
~A Course in Miracles

If you’re a human being, chances are you experience fear. These bodies we live in are built for survival, and fear is the gatekeeper. It protects us, keeping us safe and secure by making us wary of any potential threat that might come our way. Fear breeds caution, vigilance, and suspicion.

Which is fine if a hungry lion is chasing you. But if your intention is to live in the abundance that is always here, to lead with the heart, to be open to the depth and breadth of what might be possible in your life, then fear deserves your attention.

A Sacred Choice

Simply said, running from fear doesn’t work. If we avoid turning to face it, it will nip at our heels forever. What does this mean? We live a fear-led life, choosing partners, jobs, and friends out of fear. Habits and addictions run wild because we are afraid of meeting our feelings. We feel separate and alienated, while deep inside, we recognize the echo of truth whispering softly.

Here is my question to you as we move into 2012. What do you want? I mean what do you really want for this precious life you have been given? If you are committed to knowing yourself fully, to living fully, then get to know fear. Start with these facts, then step aside and let your life unfold in all its glory.

Facts About Fear

Fear-motivated thoughts are all about “can’t.” They create a negative, imagined scenario about the future. Here’s the truth: you don’t know what is going to happen, so these thoughts can’t possibly be true. Buy into these thoughts, and you are inviting limitation. Let them float on by, and you will see what is actually true for you.
Fearful thoughts are designed to keep you safe and limited. They are not wisdom, and they are not truth. You get to choose what to follow.
Fear always includes physical sensations. Learn to recognize these, and receive them as they are with an open heart. Channel the energy of fear into excitement and enthusiasm.
Fear makes us think that something negative will happen, when the truth is that we don’t know what is going to happen. Become comfortable with not knowing so that fear doesn’t rule you.
Resisting fear strengthens it. The antidote is awareness – being willing to directly experience fear as it appears to you in the moment, recognizing the thoughts and physical sensations.
The goal is not to get rid of fear, as you don’t have the power to make this happen. But you do have the power to change the way you relate to fear. Learn to receive it with curiosity and a loving heart, get to know how it spins thoughts that deflate the things you are enthusiastic about. But don’t feel like something is wrong or you have failed if it continues to appear. Simply meet it lovingly every time.
A surge of fear tends to arise directly after a moment of truth. Say that an idea appears in your mind about something you’d love to do. Soon after, you might notice that your mind is filled with reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t do it. Recognize that this is fear speaking.
Recognizing the presence of fear allows you to make conscious decisions. You have the clarity to see what fear is guiding you to do, and you can consider what you really want.
Fear is not the enemy. It can be the voice of reason, caution, and practicality that serves you well at times.
It takes energy to resist fear. Getting to know it and allowing it to be lets your body and mind relax, as the fight is over. This opens a space for creativity, wonder, awe, love, beauty, inspiration.

Learn about fear. Know it so well that it can’t sneak up on you. Free yourself from the chains of fear, and every moment of your life will shine.

How have you dealt with fear? Does it hold you back? What happens when you embrace fear? I’d love to hear…

Take Care of Yourself From the Inside Out

Announcing two new events: I’m very excited about offering a free tele-call on fear and Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive. Please visit Events page for information and registration.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
~John Lennon

I don’t often write about my work as a therapist. But today I found myself giving the same suggestion to each person I met with. Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s in the air. And maybe you can benefit, too. What I said repeatedly was, “Take good care of yourself.”

Somehow it’s seems so easy to forget to pay attention to our own needs. We push through, keep going, and ignore ourselves until the well runs completely dry. Then you wonder why you are exhausted, why you feel anxious and disconnected.

You Matter

Taking care of yourself means counting yourself in. You matter, you absolutely do. And your quality of life suffers when you neglect yourself. You lose a sense of your priorities, and you end up grasping for solutions just to keep your head above water.

Maybe you think that taking care of yourself is selfish. This is a common misconception that is patently untrue.

Being caught up in your own stress doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Commit to taking care of you for you, for your quality of life, so you can live with a full and open heart. Here is the paradox: When you take good care of yourself, you get out of your own way. You are less self-focused. You aren’t captured by your needs, dramas, and obsessions.

Start with you, and you will experience great freedom in being open, peaceful, and awake to your life and everyone in it.

Caring for Yourself Affects Others

Today, I told a client that learning to take care of your own needs and feelings is one of the healthiest things you can do for a relationship.

When you learn to acknowledge your feelings and tend to those fragile places inside, you can show up for your partner full, loving, and available. No longer needy and lacking, you are set up for the simple joys of pleasant conversation and emotional intimacy.

In fact, not taking care of yourself does a disservice to your relationships. You can’t be present for your children, you miss opportunities to support your friends and loved ones.

Tend to yourself, and you have the space to emanate peace and express love. You become a beacon of sanity in an overwrought world.

Takes No Time

There are unlimited ways for you to take care of yourself. Some of them take no time at all – they are simply a shift in perspective. A few months ago, I realized I was waking up thinking about my to-do list and anxiously making it through the day. Finally, I said, “no more.” I got curious about my thought process and saw so clearly that I was half-present while worrying about future events.

Now, when I feel the stress in my body, I happily focus on just what is in front of me. I refuse to put my attention into those anxious thoughts. And the stress has reduced dramatically. No time needed – just a willingness to see the truth and be aware.

Other means for taking care of yourself do take time. You get to spend a few moments in stillness or go to a yoga class or begin to follow a passion.

Obstacles to Self-Care

See what gets in the way of your self-care. You will find that the obstacles are beliefs.

Believing you should or need to spend your time in a certain way.
Believing that you have to come last.
Believing that the world will fall apart if you stop playing out the mental and emotional habits that don’t serve you.
Believing that you aren’t worth your own loving attention.
Believing that being stressed is a normal way of living.

The first step to taking care of yourself is to investigate these beliefs. Are they true? Do they bring you what you really want?

Are you willing to try the essential experiment – to let go of these beliefs and take the radical step back to yourself, into self-care?

Self-Care = True Happiness

You might notice that I’m not including a list of ways to take care of yourself. You can find those on countless self-improvement blogs, and besides, I trust that you know how to do it. More important is to wake up to the necessity of it, to understand how self-care unearths your potential for happiness, and how your happiness touches everyone and everything.

Tell yourself the truth about how happiness works, and you can’t help but start with the landscape of your inner experience.

Self-care is always on my radar, and I’ll share with you how I do it:

Being aware when I am triggered and meeting my experience with deep acceptance. (See “Oh, this.”)
Taking time to listen to the people I love, especially my partner.
Exercise – running on the treadmill and yoga. (Yoga is exercise plus so much more.)
Resting when I am tired or starting to feel sick. Not pushing myself beyond my capacity.
Letting go of stressful thoughts about the future so I can be present.
Being still.
Walking away from the computer when I’ve been on it too long.
Keeping my home in order; not letting tasks pile up.
Being open and non-defensive – even in hard conversations.
Planning enough time so I don’t have to rush and worry about being late.
Flowing with life especially when unexpected things happen.
Contemplating the true nature of existence, which puts everything into perspective.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Now it’s your turn. How do you take care of yourself? What are your obstacles to self-care? I’d love to hear…

A Simple Phrase That Can Change Everything

Announcing two upcoming events: A free tele-call on How to Flourish in the Face of Fear and the Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive. Please see the events page for more information and to register.

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
~Confucius

A simple phrase that can change everything. Are you wondering what it might be?

OK, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Get ready, because it may radically alter your perspective. Here it is: “Oh, this.”

When does “Oh, this” come into play? Whatever happens, whatever arises, the most simple and intelligent response is, “Oh, this.” It means you accept, you embrace, you tell the truth and receive with an open mind and heart. Say “Oh, this” to:

Present circumstances
Events from the past
Things people say and do
Your own emotional reactions

It’s not about being passive and resigned. It’s not about gritting your teeth and putting up with or getting through. You don’t have to grin and bear it.

“Oh, this” says ‘Yes!” to what is. It’s a revolutionary shift that transforms your whole way of being.

A Real-Life Example

I know it’s hard to believe, but occasionally people will do things that get on my nerves. I feel the frustration rising up in me – the desire to snap back or shut down.

What relieves the pressure and short-circuits the problem is the simple phrase, “Oh, this.” “Oh, this” to the frustration I feel, the urge to say something unkind, the need the person is expressing. It offers the welcome gift of a pause and the chance for understanding. It wakes me up and brings me back to where I really want to be.

“Oh, this” has saved me a lot of trouble.

The Resistance of “Not This”

For many of us, the essence of “Oh, this,” is unfamiliar. We aren’t used to responding by being humble and open. More commonly, we say, “Oh, not this,” as in:

I don’t want you to be saying that.
I don’t want you to want that.
I don’t want this to be happening.
That shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t want to feel the way I feel.

These statements all communicate a resistance to what is. How often do you not want others to want what they want? How often do you long to revise history or write the script for what should happen now and in the future? And how much pain do these reactions add to your life?

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

What I love more than anything is that there is a medicine for the illness of reaction and resistance. And the medicine is the deep acceptance inherent in “Oh, this.” It frees you from the grip of tension and grounds you in the reality of things as they are.

It offers the paradox of relaxing in the face of life’s challenges.

“Oh, this” can be the perfectly-wrapped gift that you give to yourself. And it’s a gift that keeps on giving. “Oh, this” centers you in your present moment experience.

It eases your attachment to emotions and stories. It unclouds your mind and establishes you in your heart. “Oh, this” ignites your natural wisdom so you can see clearly and respond with intelligence.

Your emotional triggers may take time to dissolve, but know that peace is possible. Say “Oh, this” whenever you remember – now…and now…and now… Each time, you are chipping away at these conditioned tendencies that don’t serve you anymore.

Each time brings you closer to recognizing the light, the wholeness, the love that you are.

Are you resisting anything? What helps you to be more accepting? I’d love to hear…

Note: I’m happy to announce my new Facebook fan page for A Flourishing Life. Come on over, click like, and join the conversation.

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