Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Finding the Gift in Boredom

bored_alive“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”
~Paulo Coelho

It descends like a cloud before you know it. Your mind turns to mush. You stare into space. Your focus goes out the window. Your body feels like a heavy sack. And there you are…bored out of your mind.

Boredom is one of those experiences that dulls your engagement with life. It’s a mindless state that blocks your creativity, enthusiasm, and interest. As teacher Francis Lucille says, it’s a rejection of the present moment.

Let boredom go unchecked, and who knows how long you’ll sit there in a fog. But come alive to your boredom, and everything changes in less than a nanosecond.

Waking Up to Boredom

As paradoxical as it might sound, what if you got interested in your experience of boredom? Instead of being bored, you shift your attention away from boredom to being here, aware in this present moment.

Instead of being lost, now you can study what you’re experiencing. And that’s when things get interesting.

Say you’re fascinated by Josephine Bonaparte, wife of Napolean (like I am). What do you do with that passion? You read everything about her. You become knowledgeable about the social and historical context in which she lived. You learn about the personalities of the people in her life and the roles thay played.

You put your thirst for information into practice.

Now, what if you found your own experience of boredom to be equally fascinating? You might ask questions like:

  • What is happening in my mind and thought process when I’m bored?
  • What emotions are present, maybe suppressed by the boredom? (for example, fear or anger)
  • What does my body feel like when I’m bored?
  • What happens to my energy?
  • What do I feel like doing or not doing when I’m bored?
  • How do I show up in my relationships?
  • What triggers boredom?

Now that you’ve shown interest in boredom, where did it go? When you’re fascinated by boredom, it just doesn’t trap you anymore.

Finding Your Aliveness Again

This post was inspired by my own experience being bored while I was trying to write it. I “woke up” to realize I had shut down and somehow disappeared. But instantaneously, I was back!

I took a breath and said, “Hello, boredom.” Then I reconnected with my desire to communicate what would be most helpful for you, the lovely one reading this.

When you let boredom have its way with you, you’re consumed by it. But when you step back to find some space from it, all of a sudden you’ve found your aliveness again. It’s always been here, only temporarily obscured.

No longer stuck in the cloud of boredom, you’ve accessed a new, expanded state of consciousness—you might call it clarity. Fresh options become apparent that before were hidden.

In your full aliveness, what are you moved to do? What is most vital to you in this moment? What is calling you?

Next time you’re bored, remember this: the aliveness that is you is here, so incredibly present, overflowing everywhere. You’re just a shift of attention away. Wake up to the moments of your life, and see what begins to unfold…

What About You?

What do you notice when you come alive to boredom? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to comment.

Always in love,

Gail

Note: I’ll be offering a half-day retreat on October 18 in Santa Barbara. Please click here for details and to register.

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A Simple Experiment with Profound Results

act_as_if“What you are looking for is within you
Fall silent a moment and contemplate what that means…
You lack nothing.”
~Prem Rawat

I know, it’s hard sometimes. Things get you down, and you can’t seem to find your way out. Life seems blah, and you’re thinking there’s got to be a better way.

Well, there is. And one way to access it is to “act as if.” Whatever you want for yourself, you act as if it’s already the case. You can act as if you’re confident, completely fulfilled, or free of attachments to painful emotions.

“Acting As If” Transforms

Acting as if might sound like a superficial technique that couldn’t possibly help you. But I’m not into superficial, and acting as if can be profound and transformative.

We so easily get in our own way. Our attachments to distorted thought patterns and unhappy feelings sabotage our ability to fully express ourselves in life. It’s so pervasive that we might not even realize these habits are hijacking us. But they are.

Acting as if is a way through these habits that have never served us. It opens us to the deepest fulfillment.

Let’s take feeling inadequate as an example. If this is your reality, you repeat negative thoughts in your mind about how you’re not good enough. These thoughts cause you to conclude that you won’t be able to accomplish the goals you want before you even try.

Then you might spend your time thinking about the disappointing things that happened in your past that you blame for your inadequacy. It’s a repetitive cycle that keeps you locked into negativity.

And how do you feel if you think you’re inadequate? Anxious, downtrodden, hopeless. These thoughts and feelings inhabit your body, constricting your breathing, weighing down your posture, and silently diminishing your health. They get into your cells and distort the pathways of connections in your brain.

But what if you were to act as if you’re confident? You have to get into it, thinking the way a confident person would think, feeling the way they would feel, and letting the brain and body rearrange so you get the visceral, in-the-body experience of feeling confident.

If you were confident, how would you walk and stand? What would you say and how would you say it? What would you do when self-critical thoughts happen to appear in the mind? How would it be to go out into the world with your whole being screaming, “Confident!”

See how acting as if can be a powerful way to break through false identities?

It Accesses Your Deepest Knowing

And I’ll let you in on a little secret. Acting as if is actually a trick to get you to connect with your inner intelligence, the wisest you who already knows how to be free and happy.

If you’re feeling inadequate, how do you know how to act as if you’re confident? Where did that information come from?

What a surprise to realize that something in you already knows how to let go of inadequacy and be your full confident self. The prompt to act as if is a bit of a sneaky way to guide you into sanity and clear seeing. It takes you out of your limited, programmed ways of being and delivers you right into the vast potential that is always available to you.

If you’ve been sitting around waiting for life to bring you what you’re hoping for, you might want to experiment with acting as if. Rather than wishful thinking, investigate to see if what you want might already be more of a possiblity than you ever imagined.

Your Turn to Act As If

Here are some suggestions. Choose one or more of these, or come up with your own. Reflect on what it would take to act as if and experience it deeply in your mind, heart, body, and spirit.

Get out of your chair, and make it like you’re auditioning for the role of your life. Because you are. When you act as if, you’re shedding ideas about yourself that aren’t true and inhabiting the expansive potential of you.

Act as if: you’re wise.

  • If you were wise, what would your thought process be like?
  • How would you make decisions?
  • What would you do when things don’t go as planned?

Act as if: you care about yourself.

  • How would caring about yourself play out in your thoughts, actions, choices, and emotions?
  • What would you do if you were in a situation you knew wasn’t right for you?
  • What would your daily life look like?

Act as if: you’re ready for healthy relationships.

  • Who would you choose for your partner and your friends?
  • Which of your relationships would need to end?
  • How would you show up with others?
  • What would you think about?
  • What would you do when you feel scared or angry?

Act as if: you’re free of the pain from your past.

  • Without being held back by your past, what would you do differently in your life?
  • What would you stop doing?
  • How would you relate to strong feelings that arise in you?

Act as if: you’re so much bigger than your imagined limits.

  • How would you feel in your body?
  • What would you do with limiting thoughts?
  • How would you know what actions to take?
  • How would you relate to other people?

Back to Basics

You may be an expert at acting as if you’re miserable, disappointed, and ungrateful. But what if you made a different choice? I love acting as if because it immediately busts the false identities that hold you back.

Maybe you can entertain the possibility that you’re already whole, healed, and totally fabulous. Maybe you are way more knowledgeable about being fully alive in your life than you ever imagined.

Act as if the light of universal presence shines through you—because it does. Act as if you’re capable of making wise choices—because you are if you’re willing to be honest with yourself. Act as if you don’t let fear get in your way—because who you really are is way bigger than fear.

What happens to all those self-imposed limits you thought you were stuck with? They miraculously dissolve, and here you are, with a sweet, knowing smile on your face.

What About You?

Try acting as if. In the comments, tell us what quality you’re acting as if you had. How did the experiment go? I’d love to hear… If you’re reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

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The Only Choice, the Sacred Choice

sacred_choice“The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.”
from The Guest House, by Rumi

It came over me like a whisper, then I realized I was afraid. I felt that familiar flutter everywhere in my body, and I was uncomfortable. I watched the fear intently as it crawled into my mind, begging my thoughts to start spinning: “What is going on?? Why am I feeling like this? Maybe it’s because of that email I just got. Maybe something’s wrong. I want this to go away.”

I saw it all like a perfectly constructed scene in a film. This feeling was designed to make me suffer, formulated to pull my attention into the fear. I felt the barrier rising, disconnecting me from the world and the people around me. I saw how easily I could become absorbed in it.

The choice was so clear, obvious to me as the scene unfolded. I could jump into the anxiety and make it my reality. It would surely ruin my day. Who knows when it would end?

Or I could stay…unmoving…watchful…present. And that’s what I did.

I became aware of a vast, open, welcoming space in my being, and felt the sensations. I invited them in with so much tenderness, unafraid of what might happen. Every single one could be there as long as it wanted—I was there for it, standing as loving acceptance.

I felt relief deep in my body and beyond. I totally gave up fighting what was present. And I relaxed with it, into it. It was the reality of the moment, so who am I to resist it? I received it like a precious gift. Something in me just knew that this was the right way to be in this moment.

I wasn’t aware that things had shifted. Before I realized it, I was talking with friends, enjoying myself and fully engaged. The fear? It’s now just a memory that I’m sharing with you.

Although this experience changed quite quickly, it wasn’t always like that for me. I used to be loaded with fear and embroiled in a compulsive, fear-filled mind. But, over the years, I took each moment and made the sacred choice. The fear has now mostly subsided, but still, each time it appears is like the first time. I receive it fully. I welcome it like a homecoming.

If you’re stuck in any emotion that revisits you, try this. Drop the judgment, and forget the avoidance of it. These are stepping stones on the road to suffering.

Instead, stop. Breathe. Be loving, open space for this appearance in your body. Receive it like a gift, over and over.

Even the ones that have lived in you a long time, the ones that have caused you pain and brought your enjoyment of life to a halt. Welcome them in, too. Expect nothing, and you’ll be amazed at the ease that’s possible.

What happens when you’re simply present with your emotions, without the story? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to comment.

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The Beauty and Ease of Accepting Things as They Are

acceptingyes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skillfully curled)
all worlds
~e.e. Cummings

Not accepting things as they are is a fight against reality. It’s kind of crazy, really. Say that someone said something hurtful to you. You can wish they hadn’t said it forever, but the fact remains the same—they said what they said.

Say you did something you regret. You can wish you hadn’t done it, which could keep you stuck for a long time, but here’s the truth—you did what you did.

The problem with wishful thinking, wanting things to be different than they are, is that it’s agitating. It resists what’s real and keeps you ruminating and analyzing to try to make sense of it so that you feel better. But it doesn’t work, and it won’t bring you happiness.

It’s liberating to know that there’s another way: accepting things as they are.

What Is Acceptance?

Acceptance isn’t passive. It doesn’t mean that you’re resigned to a life of unhappiness, just putting up with things. Yes, you may accept that you feel anxious or eat too much junk food or you’re in a relationship that’s not working. But it doesn’t mean you’re stuck in these situations forever.

Accepting things as they are is a beautiful starting point that opens up possibilities you may have never considered.

  • It lets you build a foundation for your choices and actions based on truth.
  • You’re authentic and real rather than pretending or living in a fantasy about how you wish things were.
  • It offers clear seeing and insight that you’ve overlooked by turning a blind eye or keeping your head in the sand.
  • It empowers you.
  • It’s the path to a deep understanding that can guide you to the part of you that is whole, free, and untroubled.

Acceptance is the opposite of avoidance or denial. It’s a full-hearted, all-encompassing, enthusiastic and curious “Yes” to things as they are. It is open, welcoming, and ultimately freeing—like a breath of fresh air.

Are you resisting life? Then consider dipping your toe into the ocean of acceptance. It’s a beautiful place to be.

How to Accept

Acceptance is taking an honest look at things as they are right now. You let go of judging or interpreting. You don’t need to add the layer of feeling like a failure or victim because of the situation. Rather than turning away from what is, you turn toward it and receive what’s here with great compassion and understanding.

Here are some examples:

  • You can live forever waiting for an apology, or you can accept that it probably won’t happen.
  • You can continue with a habit that doesn’t serve you, say you drink too much, or you can accept that this is the reality and explore the underlying feelings.
  • You can keep procrastinating, or you can admit that you’re scared.
  • You can wish you had made different choices, or you can accept that you’re in the situation you’re in.

The Sacred Shift to Accepting

I invite you to feel into the profound shift that acceptance brings. Let’s use the first example to illustrate: you feel someone has wronged you and you’re waiting for an apology that’s not coming.

If this is you’re mindset, you’ve given up your power to the other. You’ve decided that the only way you can let go of the situation is to receive an apology, which is something you can’t control. And what is your inner experience? Bitter, sad, and resentful. You’re caught in thinking about the past a lot, and you’re fully missing everything that’s available to you now—the beauty and wonder of this now moment.

Shifting into acceptance, here’s what changes:

You acknowledge what happened in the past and you realize you’re keeping the past alive in your thoughts and feelings. So what’s true right now are your thoughts and feelings about the past, not what actually happened.

New possibility: Instead of repeating the same story over and over in your mind, can you welcome these feelings, lovingly, just as they are? Can you see that, in their pure form, they are just the energy of physical sensation and let them move through?

You accept that the other person has not apologized. No one knows if that will change in the future, but for now, the apology isn’t happening.

New possibility: You thought you needed this apology to feel at peace, but now you’re open to exploring other ways that you can control.

You realize you can be present with your reactions.

New possibility: You change how you relate to this whole problem by finding the deepest space of acceptance within to let your present moment experience be as it is. You notice that your experience comes and goes, but this space is always here, deeply accepting, your sanctuary.

No longer stuck on this problem, you’re available to the rest of life. It’s been here all along!

New possibility: You realize you can enjoy yourself, and you’re receptive to what’s here, seeing yourself, situations, and other people with fresh eyes.

When you decide to accept, you enter the world of authentic living. You see things as they are. You consider your options and choose wisely. You’re no longer willing to stay stuck.

And acceptance brings with it some secret, surprising side effects. Make it a practice to accept what is, and effortlessly, you’ll feel relief. What used to bother you is dealt with immediately. You’re spacious, peaceful, open to others, kind to yourself. And you find clarity in your choices moving forward.

You can spend your energy denying, defending, and avoiding, or you can accept. The choice is in your hands…

What About You?

Have you been denying and avoiding? What have you discovered when you shift to accepting? Please share in the comments—it helps everyone… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment.

Note: Please click here for information on our next live meeting in Santa Barbara.

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10 Life-Changing Ways to Move Through Shame

shame“Shame is a soul eating emotion.”
~C.G. Jung

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
~Brené Brown

Shame. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling. So uncomfortable that you may not even want to read this post. You think that if you leave it hidden in the shadows, outside of conscious awareness, maybe, just maybe, you can pretend it’s not there.

But it is. And for some of us, it’s dug in deep.

If shame stays where it is, unseen and unexplored, it will continue to affect you. How? It’s behind the self-critical voice in your head, many unsatisfying dynamics in relationships, feelings of lack and unworthiness, and choices that keep you from fully living.

Shame is so personal! It’s a painful feeling of humiliation—that you’ve done something wrong or that there’s something disgraceful or embarrassing about you. It’s the secret emotion that can sit in you like a poison.

And the last thing you want to do is bring it out in the open. You think that all that will do is highlight your worst fears about yourself.

But here’s the possibility for you—the light that can begin to untangle shame:

If you explore it skillfully, if you navigate shame with wisdom and heart, you find tenderness, compassion, courageous vulnerability, and the relief that comes from no longer hiding from yourself—or keeping yourself hidden from others and the world.

You move from feeling oh, so separate and alienated to being more at ease with yourself and your own experience. The boundaries that disconnect you from everyone and everything begin to fall away. Almost like being born anew, you are open, light, and available to life.

You can make the choice to let your pain rule you by keeping it in the shadows. Or you can befriend, explore, and welcome it into the light of conscious awareness. How? Here are 10 potentially life-changing ways to move through shame.

Getting to Know Shame

1. Be a courageous explorer

If you’re just beginning to explore shame, you’re going into foreign territory. Just like the ancient adventurers who took to the sea not knowing what they would find, be courageous, curious, and open.

And when it comes to pain, discover the most compassionate place within you to receive it.

Practice: Set the stage for your exploration of shame. Bring your attention inside, and touch into the qualities of curiosity, wonder, openness, and compassion that are natural to who you are. Find them, then stay with feeling them for a while.

2. Find the gap

You might be very used to feeling shame, but you may not know it well. In fact, you may have been trying to avoid it at all costs because it’s so painful.

But here we take a different approach by befriending your experience. What is shame exactly? How does it feel? How does it appear in your thoughts about the past and yourself?

Answering these questions requires you to step back from being completely consumed by shame so you can gain some psychological distance. It’s the gap that begins to set you free. Imagine you’re studying an object you’ve never seen before to figure out what it does. Just like that, create a bit of space between you and your experience of feeling shame.

Now you’re relating to shame in a new way. You can study it, inquire about it, and see what it is—this feeling that’s had such an impact on you.

Practice: Find a small gap between you and shame. See that you can observe your experience and be curious about what you discover.

3. What’s the story?

Shame doesn’t appear from nowhere. It’s a form of conditioning that inhabits your mind, heart, body, and spirit. Maybe you were somehow made to feel ashamed of yourself when you were young – ashamed of who you are, your level of intelligence, your body.

There might be a story of shame that you’ve carried for a long time, but it’s actually a role you’ve taken on that is optional. Start to tell yourself that this shame story doesn’t have to define you.

Remember that who you are is not this story. Your essence is whole, not separate from anything, and boundlessly free.

Practice: Stand up and feel yourself in that familiar story of shame. Yes, right now! Just try it. Now, take a big step to one side and leave the story behind. Feel yourself minus the story. This is the possibility for you.

4. How does shame live in your body?

Every emotion has a physical component to it. Getting to know shame includes knowing how it lives in your body.

It may take some time to discover the physical experience of shame because it’s become so commonplace to you. Get quiet and bring your attention to your body. Then notice any physical sensations and places of numbness. You don’t need to do anything about them.

This is an exercise in simply meeting in open awareness what has been there anyway. It’s about making friends with the physical part of shame.

When you realize you don’t need to live the story of shame and you become aware of the sensations, the heaviness of this identity begins to dissolve. It’s the road to freedom.

Practice: As much as possible, a hundred times a day if necessary, bring your attention into your body and just be with whatever is happening. There’s no need to do anything; just simply be.

Going Deeper

5. How you speak to yourself

Our inner self-talk can be so painfully harsh. And if you look at the root of what drives it, you’ll find shame, that feeling that there’s something terribly wrong—or worse—about you. Once you begin meeting the shame directly—by not being so captured by the story and feeling the physical sensations—this way of speaking to yourself starts to not even make sense anymore.

Let’s tell the truth. Are you actually that incompetent, inadequate so-and-so you think you are? If you look at these inner statements with the objective eyes of a scientist, you’ll be able to punch holes in them immediately.

By now, this negative self-talk is a habit that needs your attention, and the more intelligent focus you give it, the more it will unravel. Commit to recognizing this voice and letting its reign over you diminish.

Practice: Start by assuming that this damaging inner voice isn’t accurate and doesn’t serve. This is the truth. At least once every day, turn your attention away from these self-critical thoughts and let them float on by like clouds. Be the sky—vast, empty, and serene. Start to live here as much as possible and the critical thoughts begin to lose their power.

6. Know how and why you isolate

Living with shame is lonely and isolating. It makes you believe that no one would want to get close to you, which justifies your pushing them away. How do you do that? By being critical and judgmental of others.

Recognizing the urge to isolate is essential to moving through shame. Because it is a sign that your shame identity has taken charge. When you find yourself judging others and feeling separate, this is your golden moment to begin asking questions about your experience. What story do you believe? How do you feel in your body?

Not judging shame and welcoming it instead is the beginning of forming a new, healthy relationship—with yourself. Then you don’t need to be critical of others or push them away. You’re more available, authentic, and courageously vulnerable. And others will love you for it.

Practice: Recognize when you judge others and realize this is about you: it makes you feel separate. Is shame at the root of this need to separate? Inquire into what you’re thinking and feeling. Realize the possibility of a true connection with others.

7. Is there fear there?

Shame and fear often go hand in hand. You’re afraid of being seen for who you are. And at the same time, you fear being alone. You’re afraid you’re damaged goods, doomed to a life of misery.

As you get to know shame, become aware of various fears that may be lurking. Bring fear, too, out of the shadows and meet it lovingly.

Practice: Check to see if fear is present. Let down your resistance and allow it in, especially how it appears in your body. Like a long-lost child returning home, embrace the fear. Let it be there for as long as it wants to.

Moving Forward

8. Find the strength in being vulnerable

Vulnerability gets a bad rap these days. But what it actually offers you is the relief from having to hide from yourself, the simplicity of just being as you are without having to change anything.

Whatever you feel is your present moment experience. Resisting it creates endless suffering, and welcoming it in is the path to inner peace. This is the medicine for the secret of shame.

Be as you are. Not in the story of who you think you are that is denigrating and destructive—you’ve lived there long enough. Instead, shift your attention away from these thoughts, and allow your current experience as it is. These sensations…this breath…touching…hearing…looking…speaking…

It’s so relaxing because you don’t have to hide or grasp. You can just be.

Practice: Begin to get comfortable being with whatever you are experiencing in any given moment. Start with just a few moments until you see that it’s OK, that whatever you’re afraid will happen, won’t. Then, more and more, let yourself be.

9. Sacred honesty—with yourself

When you live in shame, you are constantly lying to yourself. You draw yourself into a trance that makes you believe you are inadequate, unworthy, and just plain wrong. The truth? It’s just plain inaccurate.

Healing from shame invites radical honesty. Are you up for it?

Whenever you are feeling separate and lacking, question your experience. Find the gap (#2 above), and recognize the thoughts and feelings in your body that have taken hold.

Then realize that who you are is so much more than this identity. To be perfectly honest, you are whole, unbroken, and infinitely at peace. Keep returning here. Become more and more transparent so the light of truth shines through.

Practice: Investigate your direct experience with a discerning eye to see what is true and what is false. Live in the truth of yourself as whole, full, pure, and capable.

10. Wide open heart

Shame is all about limitation, holding back, and keeping yourself separate and isolated. And where is your heart? Wounded, stuck, and closed.

Begin to live with a heart wide open. Move your attention outside of your head to notice the beauty and tenderness around you. It’s been there all along, you just haven’t noticed. Let yourself be touched by the simple experiences of daily life.

Shame is a filter that keeps you from life, and dissolving the filter leaves you available and receptive. Without even trying, you begin to notice love and appreciation. Where before you held back, now you engage.

Recovering from shame opens you to being fully alive!

Practice: Find within you the courage to begin to open your heart. Instead of being absorbed in shame, experience things—and people—with fresh eyes. When you notice that you are closed, open…open…open…

What About You?

Are you caught in shame? Believe me, you are not alone. Have you discovered how to move through it? I’d love to hear…and if you’re reading by email, please click here to comment.

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