Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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From Unworthiness to Freedom: Return to Your Natural State

"Achieving Balance" SarahGoodnough.com

“Achieving Balance” SarahGoodnough.com

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

Just about every single person I meet with is consumed in shame and self-doubt. It’s a dis-ease that’s rampant in our society today. We feel worthless and inadequate. The language in our minds that we use to describe ourselves is so harsh and disparaging.

And we’ve come to believe that what these thoughts tell us is the truth of who we are.

Right now, reflect on the possibility that these thoughts of brokenness and inadequacy don’t accurately describe you. They’re programmed ways of thinking about yourself, but they’re not an accurate reflection of the truth.

You absolutely did not come into the world believing yourself to be inadequate. You came in innocent, whole, and filled with potential. Thinking you’re unworthy and not good enough is an identity you learned through your interactions with others.

Returning to Your Natural State

So the medicine for this identity is to return to your natural state. This is the state of who you were before the identity took hold. And this state, your essential wholeness, has always been here and available to experience.

Distorted beliefs grab our attention and become our reality. But the invitation here is to untangle from these beliefs by withdrawing your attention from them.

Thoughts such as, “I feel worthless; I’ll never amount to anything,” might be very familiar to you. But what happens when you stop feeding them with your attention? What happens when you stop using them to label yourself?

They’re seen as a pattern of words that are random and meaningless. And amazingly you’re free of their impact!

Nothing to Get Rid Of

Every time you notice that you’re caught in thinking that you’re unworthy or lacking, it’s possible to relax your attention away from the story in your head and open to being here right now.

The story may recur many, many times. But don’t see that as a problem. Your job is not to get rid of these thoughts, but to soften your connection with them. And you do that by withdrawing your attention from them. You stop feeding the hopelessness and despair so you’re not reinforcing this way of being.

So here’s how it works. The thought comes, I’m inadequate, I’m worthless, I messed up again, I’m a failure, there’s something wrong with me. Then you stop, and say, “Wait a minute. This pattern of thinking isn’t serving me. I don’t want to believe this about myself. I don’t want this thought pattern ruling my choices any longer. I don’t want to feel so bad.”

With this fire in your belly to stop the suffering, you withdraw your attention from these thoughts. Let them float away like a cloud or burn in the fire of your intention to be free.

You don’t need these painful beliefs about yourself to function in the world. In fact, you might find you’re a whole lot happier without them. Not that they go away, but you don’t use them to define yourself.

The Simple Truth

These thoughts tell you that you’re broken and need to be fixed. But what you realize when you stop buying into them is that right now, you’re here, present, and okay. You don’t need to be fixed or improved.

You’re no longer stuck in the conversation in your head about how you’re inadequate or what you should or shouldn’t have done. Your attention opens to presence, to relaxation, and to the simple fact that without these thoughts, everything is okay. You are okay.

Now there’s space in this present moment. You release into your natural wholeness, into not knowing. Now, you wonder, “How can I be without these thoughts? What will I do? What will I say?”

These are beautiful questions that arise when you step out of limiting thoughts and into a world of new possibilities.

So right now in this moment, notice that without your attention feeding the thoughts of inadequacy and brokenness, you can’t possibly be inadequate or broken. Self-doubt disappears. You no longer need to strive for attention, approval, and validation.

The only true solution to any problem is to realize that your thoughts are not who you are. Then you’re available to the magnificent, never-ending river of life.

What About You?

How do you handle feeling unworthy and inadequate? How have you found freedom from these thoughts? I’d love to hear…

Note: I’ve received many beautiful emails about my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. If it helped you, please consider leaving a review on Amazon to let others know.

So much love…
Gail

Know How Thinking Works

thinkingNote: I’m excited to share with you Chapter 11 from my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. It’s the kind of book you’ll want on your bedside table with 52 essays, each with a reflection or practice to bring the teachings alive in your own experience. To purchase the book, please click here.

I used to live my life completely caught up in my mind. An underlying sense of anxiety fed a constant stream of thinking that left me feeling stressed and out of sorts.

Now I know it’s not a requirement to live in that stress. I’ve studied these thought patterns and have found 99.9% of them to be repetitive, negative, and patently unhelpful. They don’t support, and they don’t bring joy and celebration.

One day many years ago, I was lying by the pool relaxing in the sun, and I decided to experiment. I brought to mind some common, worrisome thoughts and immediately felt physical tension in my body. Then I shifted attention away from those thoughts, and noticed that after a short time, the tension released. I went back and forth between thought and no thought until the lesson became crystal clear. And the lesson was about how much unconscious stress I had been holding onto, probably for decades.

From that moment on, I lost interest in thinking. Many thoughts still come, but if they are critical, agitating, gloomy, or divisive, I dismiss them. Because I don’t want to pretend that I’m separate from this amazing life that’s here right now.

We take thoughts to be real, but they aren’t. What is a thought? It’s a wisp of energy with words attached. And when we believe the meaning of these words, the thought becomes our reality. Mixed with emotions like fear and anger, the thoughts seem to have a life of their own. We believe the self-doubt, judgments, and fears about the future.

But thoughts are temporary. They are the mind’s feeble attempts to protect and control. Recognizing them and letting them be, we’re free of their meaning and the tension they create. And we’re here, fully alive in this beautiful, uncontrollable, mysterious unfolding.

Practice

Get to know the content of your thoughts—not to embellish the stories, but to realize how negative and self-defeating they can be. Feel how these thoughts bring stress to your body.

Check in to see if your thoughts are actually necessary. Don’t pay attention to them and see what happens. You may notice that your life unfolds just fine without that constant, judgmental, complaining commentary. In fact, aren’t you more here and alive without it?

What About You?

To read more, you can purchase At the Core of Every Heart here. Questions? Comments? I’d love to hear them. core final front cover 6-1 copy 2

And once you read the book, I would be so grateful if you would leave a review on Amazon so others can know about it.

So much love…
Gail

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New Book: At the Core of Every Heart


core final front cover 6-1 copyI’m so pleased to let you know that my new book is available for pre-order on Amazon.com. The title is, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. It will be published on June 14, and you can order it now by clicking here or on the book cover.
The title comes from this beautiful quote by Indian saint Sri Anandamayi Ma:

When by the flood of your tears
the inner and outer have fused into one,
you will find Her whom you sought with such anguish,
nearer than the nearest, the very breath of life,
the very core of every heart.

And that’s where we meet—in the love and aliveness at the core of every heart.

We all benefit from support along the spiritual path, and that’s just what this book offers. It contains 52 short essays, and each has a practice or reflection that invites you to pause, come alive to the moment, and remember the deepest truth of who you are. As the subtitle says, it’s about waking up and living free—right in the midst of the practicalities of our everyday life.

Here are some of the chapter titles:

  • Tending the Garden of Presence
  • Stillness Beckons You
  • Learn from Experience
  • Clarity Beyond the Inner Critic
  • Be Empty of the Exhausting Story of “Me”
  • Feeling Shame and Regret?
  • Living the Yes! to Life
  • When Times Are Tough
  • Free of the Anxious Mind

Each chapter is user-friendly. We start with everyday human problems: holding a grudge, believing the harsh critical voice in our minds, being stuck in feelings from the past. Over and over, we meet our experience with deep acceptance and discover the unifying field of aware presence that holds everything with love. It’s the living, breathing, timeless knowing that all is well beyond our personal attachments to stories and emotions.

At the Core of Every Heart includes stories from my own and others’ life situations that we can all identify with. It skillfully navigates the paradox of this messy, emotional human life and the freedom that’s available in any moment. Right here and now, we open our hearts fully to everything and realize the most profound release into limitless ease, spontaneous joy, and loving celebration. This is what is possible for you.

Please click here to pre-order.

Always in love,
Gail

A Practical Guide to Loving Your Emotions

"Freeing Self Expression" SarahGoodnough.com

“Freeing Self Expression” SarahGoodnough.com

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

Does your emotional life seem like a puzzle? We experience emotions and they bring suffering and upset to our lives. But somehow we know that it’s possible for them to move through us like clouds across the sky.

We are so much bigger than our emotions, and they can’t begin to define our true nature. Whenever you’re experiencing emotions, there is also something that is untouched by them, something that can hold them in a vast, loving embrace.

Our emotions—all of them—need tender loving care. And who best to care for them? You.

How to do that? Here’s a practical guide.

Emotions are given to us. They’re built into the human body. They’re an integral part of the experience of this lovely human life. And they’re here to be accepted and loved.

Sometimes emotions—the challenging ones like fear, grief, and anger—pass through like a light spring rain, and sometimes the weather is wild and stormy.

Don’t be attached to always wanting peace and happiness. When emotions visit you, don’t avoid them. Because you’ll be missing out on an opportunity for melting barriers inside you.

Openhearted Welcoming

Being with emotions is simple, once you get the hang of it. It’s just about letting the energy run through you.

  • First you notice the emotion: You’ll say, “I’m angry,” or you’ll become aware of a wave of upset or unhappiness.
  • Take a breath and pay attention to the sensations as you breathe.
  • Then turn toward the emotion, and hold it in the wide-open space of being loving and aware. Let the sensations in your body be. Welcome the energy or power or agitation or numbness.

When your attention gets drawn into your mind and you’re grabbed by a lot of thinking, gently bring attention back to your body and breath. Don’t wish for your experience to be any different than it is. Just breathe, open, and let things be.

And when you welcome the emotion fully, you’ll feel it. You might sob or scream as it moves through, and this is okay. It’s being released and liberated.

Be with your emotion like this for as long as it feels right—maybe 30 seconds or a half hour or more. You’ll know. At some point, you’ll be moved to focus on something else or take some kind of action. You’re just flowing to the next thing.

When You’re Flooded by Emotions

When strong emotions arise, they can be overpowering. They take you over so you can’t sleep. They occupy your mind so you can’t focus on anything else. You’re distraught and out of sorts.

If you’re panicky, deeply feeling grief, or in a rage, you might find it too hard to relax and let the emotions be. Maybe they feel out of control and too strong. This is when you take a different approach that honors the emotion but gives you some space from it.

  • Take several deep breaths, filling your lungs in the front, side, back, top, and bottom…then exhale.
  • Soothe yourself physically by hugging yourself or stroking your arm or shoulder. As you do this, focus your attention on the sensations.
  • Put your hand on your heart or belly. Take a few breaths.
  • Try this grounding practice. Put your attention on the situation you are in and name what you’re perceiving. For example, go into nature and say, “the air on my skin, the birds chirping, trees moving in the wind.”
  • And another grounding practice. Stand up and feel your feet on the earth. Feel grounded right where you are. Then breathe or name things or put your hand on your belly or heart.
  • Reflect on what you really want for yourself in the moment, and say “peace, calm, relaxation, steadiness.” Repeat whatever words resonate for you like a prayer.

Once you’re not so overwhelmed, turn toward the emotion directly and let it in like the loved one that it is. It will untangle naturally when it’s met with love and acceptance.

Emotions run through you, but they’re not you. Let them come and go, and here you are—awake and alive in this very moment.

9 Loving Ways to Be Free of Inadequacy

inadequacy“Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now.”
~Eckhart Tolle

For some compelling reason, many human minds are inclined to think negatively. And the target of those negative thoughts is often ourselves.

We’re fearful of what might happen if we stretch into the fullness of our life path. We believe we’re broken, damaged, and inadequate. We live in the pain of unworthiness.

These thought patterns hang like a dark cloud, distracting us from joy, well being, and the brilliance of our infinite potential.

The Core of the Problem of Inadequacy

Our modern culture tells us that these thoughts mean we don’t love ourselves, and the fix is to love ourselves more. But how do we actually accomplish that?

We’re encouraged to repeat affirmations, change our thoughts, and remind ourselves of our accomplishments. It’s wonderful if these strategies work, but often they don’t. They might give relief for a while, but they don’t sustain the sense of optimism and trust we all deserve.

Why? Because they don’t get to the core of the problem, which is that we identify with these self-defeating thoughts. We believe that they’re true—when they’re not, and we think that they tell us the facts about who we are—when these thoughts can’t begin to describe our magnificence.

9 Loving Ways

This identity of lack and inadequacy needs to be addressed head-on. Here are nine ways to do just that. Why would we go on believing a false identity when the truth of ourselves, which is so freeing, is right here to be realized and lived?

1. Form a friendly relationship with your thoughts.

Do the thoughts say, “I’m a loser, I’ll fail, I’m unlovable?” See how they limit you. When self-defeating thoughts appear, take a breath and say hello. Once you recognize them, be empowered to make the choice to live fully and not according to the limits they impose on you.

2. Be clear about what you really want.

Remember that what you pay attention to is what grows. Once you become aware that you’ve been in the grip of self-critical thoughts, you’re now able to choose where to put your attention. You can keep feeding the negative content of these thoughts, or try any of these supportive options in the moment.

  • Breathe deeply and track the movements of the inhale and the exhale.
  • Be still and meet your inner experiences with love and understanding—instead of believing them.
  • Ask: How does life want to move me? How am I called to serve peace and happiness?
  • Go do something that brings you joy and delight.

3. Be super willing to let go.

Letting go of the identity of unworthiness is like saying goodbye to a friendship that you know has reached its end. It might take some time, but be very willing to feel open in your mind and body, make space for new ways of being in the world, and see people and situations through the eyes of caring and not fear and need.

4. Know the truth.

Not one inadequate thought can possibly describe who you are. These beliefs are false descriptions that the mind comes up with, but who is the “you” they’re describing? You, who you really are, are way too glorious to be defined by any thought. You are unlimited, whole, free, and infinitely loving. And something in you has a sneaking suspicion that this is the truth. Know and live this truth. The world is waiting for you.

5. Don’t let your feelings guide you.

If you believe you’re unworthy, you’re bound to feel hurt, disappointed, and sad. As you probably know, these feelings pull you in and drag you down. Instead of following them, establish yourself in the intention to move beyond limitation. Stand up and feel your feet on the ground. Take a couple of breaths into your belly. Feel confident in your body as you take a few steps. Go out there and live the totality of what is true for you.

6. Be harmonious within yourself.

Believing the identity of feeling damaged or inadequate separates you from your own experience. Rejecting the feelings that arise within only strengthens self-hate. End the fight by being so very kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Just welcome them from a place of friendly neutrality as if they were clouds floating in the sky. No charge, no drama. This is the most loving way to be with yourself.

 7. Be here now—and not locked into the past.

Sometimes negative self-identities form because we internalize how people treated us when we were young. If you leave your mind unchecked, it will keep repeating this painful story forever.

Shift your attention away from  the mind and step fully into presence, the aliveness of your being that has never been touched by brokenness or insecurity. Breathe in the aliveness, as this is the true medicine for the division and negativity you feel. Over and over, choose presence and not your thoughts—in the name of freedom, happiness, and love.

8. Act as if.

Take one situation or interaction, and approach it as if you felt whole, confident, and enthusiastic. How does it feel in your body? What thoughts would you be thinking? Embody this intelligent way of being in your own direct experience.

9. Rinse and repeat.

Don’t plan on eliminating all thoughts of unworthiness. Instead, commit to meeting them with loving presence. Notice them, acknowledge them, then turn away from them while you stay rooted in the fullness of unlimited potential. Do this every time the thoughts arise, and eventually they will soften.

What About You?

Have you found freedom from inadequacy? Still working on it? Do you live your true magnificence? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

New videos: I’m happy to share two new video interviews. I had lovely conversations with Grace Bubeck and Evita Ochel. Please enjoy!

Always in love,
Gail

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