Archives for May 2011

Are You Rationing Love?

The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.
~Charles H. Perkhurst

Love has so many faces and forms. If we are truly willing to look, we see it everywhere, as it is the undeniable essence that shines through everything. When we drop our beliefs, concepts, and expectations, when we make the space to see clearly, separation falls away, and love meets itself infinitely.

The Myth That Love is Limited

But some of us live in the illusion that love is limited. We barely let ourselves feel it, and we dole it out like it’s our last few crumbs of bread. We live in poverty of love – believing we need to get in order to give. We stash it away, bringing it out on special occasions only.

We are afraid of not having enough, so we keep score, making sure the balance sheet is even. We offer love gingerly, like a miser hiding his precious coins.

Recently, a friend was speaking about his wife. “I care even if I don’t show it,” he said. In my book, this doesn’t fly. Why keep love secret? Why keep the other guessing, wondering, “Does he?” or assuming he doesn’t. What’s the problem with shouting it from the mountaintops?

And how many of us ration love when it comes to ourselves? We move through life running an inner dialogue of self-criticism and defeat. We deny ourselves the joy and delight that is rightfully ours. We fail to see the beauty all around us.

Ways We Protect Ourselves

Love is our natural state. In the truth of non-separation, it reflects itself everywhere. But many of us learn to protect ourselves. Is this you? We wall ourselves off when:

We feel bruised and battered from life, having forgotten love;
We are afraid of letting ourselves be vulnerable;
We fear loving without making sure it will be returned;
We feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or exposed.

Somehow we convince ourselves that it is OK to hold a grudge or treat ourselves poorly. It feels normal to ration love.

Yet something inside feels off. We feel alienated, alone, isolated, unfulfilled. We are only half alive, and something seems to be missing. It’s the disease of our modern world, the illness of believing we are separate.

Recognizing Love in All Directions

Well, here is the medicine: don’t ration love.

If you have built up walls within yourself, reflect on them with great compassion, and consider breaking them down.
Realize the strength in vulnerability.
Be kind to yourself.
Be uncompromising in telling the truth. You won’t be able to deny love.

Love is the very essence of life. It is the gilded yarn interwoven into the fabric of existence. It is you.

Make the choice to not ration love, and see what happens. It already permeates every cell of your being. Drink it in and breathe it out. Your life will be transformed, I promise you.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.
~Rumi

Do you ration love? Are you a recovered love rationer (like me)? I’d love to hear…

What Creates Problems and How to Be Free of Them

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.”
~Epictetus

Recently, I set off on the trip to France that I had been dreaming about for five years. As luck would have it, my plane left Los Angeles two hours late, and by the time we arrived in New York, after circling for another hour, I had missed my connection. The result was an overnight in an airport hotel and one less day in Paris.

But was this situation a problem? I knew I had a choice.

How We Create Problems

Every day we encounter circumstances that we can turn into problems – if we want to. Do you want more problems in your life? Here is the how-to:

Tell yourself that what is happening is bad or wrong or shouldn’t be happening.
Think of all the negative consequences.
Repeat these negative consequences to yourself over and over.
Experience a feeling and don’t examine it.
Create a stressful or depressing story about what is happening based on this feeling.
Repeat this story to yourself over and over, embellishing it each time.
Ignore any positive aspects, benefits, or opportunities this experience offers you.

Sound familiar? When I realized I would miss my connection, I could have been irate and disappointed. I could have blamed the airline and thought about what I was missing out on. I could have created a lot of trouble for myself – unnecessary trouble, if you ask me.

Separate Facts From Reactions

But isn’t this what we do all the time? We take the facts of a circumstance, then apply stressful thoughts and feelings to it that launch a problem.

And here’s the truth: the problem isn’t inherently contained in the circumstances – it is added on to the facts. Need evidence? Just look around you. There is a myriad of reactions possible to any event – not just your habitual one.

Facts are facts, but reactions are up for grabs. We cannot change circumstances, but how we respond to them is under our control. And this is very good news.

If you are willing to bring awareness to your thoughts and feelings, you can recognize them, see them as simply experiences that arise, and choose to not get involved in them.

Freedom from Problems

This is the amazing possibility: we don’t have to turn circumstances into problems.

Ready for the how-to? Here goes:

See the facts of whatever is happening as separate from your thoughts and feelings about these facts. This essential step creates the space to get out the microscope, become a scientist, and intimately study your thoughts and feelings.
Notice the content of your thoughts. Are they stressful, negative, heavy with emotions? Do they run in an endless loop like a hamster on a wheel? Is this what you want?
Notice your feelings. See that a feeling actually consists only of thoughts and bodily sensations. Can you allow these experiences just to be present without letting them fuel more thinking?
Now go back to the facts. What is this circumstance offering you? What are the benefits, blessings, and opportunities for insight and understanding?

As I realized the plane to Paris would be taking off without me, I surrendered. And in that surrender, I saw:

The kindness of the airline agent who patiently helped me at midnight, well past his quitting time.
The grace of the hotel reservations clerk dealing with an onslaught of people checking in.
The good humor of my fellow passengers.

My jet lag wasn’t as bad as it would have been if I had made the connection, and I had the time to work on another blog post. In the end, something happened, but I couldn’t find a problem anywhere.

Are You Willing to Be Free of Problems?

My question – and challenge – to you is this: Are you willing to see how you create problems out of facts? Are you committed enough to your own peace and happiness to make the radical move to eliminate drama from your life?

Since we manufacture problems, we have the power to be free of them. And in this freedom lies the simple, amazing, awe-inspiring, heart-expanding glory of being alive.

Now it’s your turn. Can you see how you create problems? Have you discovered how to be free of them? I’d love to hear…

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Note: My friend, Christopher Foster over at The Happy Seeker, is offering a beautiful course on how to keep the light alive as we age. You may want to check it out.

Get to Know the Voice of Fear – Your Life Depends on It

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

~Thornton Wilder

In the last post, we talked about befriending fear. The comments were so heartfelt and the emails I received so amazing as people testified to the transformation that is possible when you make fear your friend.

See for yourself in these moving words from Tameka:

“Without becoming friends with my fear, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, in a little cafe in Vientiane, Laos. I wouldn’t have left everything I knew- all my creature comforts, my life as I knew it- and traveled alone as a 23 year old, throughout the whole of Cambodia, Thailand, and now Laos, despite the fears of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be floating and fluttering around this beautiful universe, too afraid to live my own life, for fear of leaving those who need me.”

How do we go from barely living a life limited by fear to one that expresses our unique gifts and longings? How do we inhabit our lives fully? We let fear come along for the ride. We don’t use it as an excuse or justification. As Justin commented, we accept it and move on with our plans.

Recognize the Voice of Fear

If your intention is to not be deterred by fear, you need to know it intimately. You need to study it so you recognize when it is tapping you on the shoulder and asking for attention. Its voice can be subtle, so learn how it speaks. Here are some examples:

I can’t disappoint my family.
I might fail.
I doubt if I can do it.
I might get overwhelmed.
I will have to work too hard.
I will be outside my comfort zone.
What if it gets difficult.
I don’t know how to start.

I could go on and on. Do you see the commonalities? I can’t…what if…I doubt…I don’t. These are all signs that fear is in charge. They are thought patterns that assume the negative and question the movement of your heart’s deepest desires.

In fact, these limiting thoughts arise just after a moment of clarity when something you are passionate about comes to light. Trace each one back to its origin, and you will find what makes your heart sing.

Let Your Heart Sing

Fear is a natural part of the human experience. Its goal is protection and survival. But when we feel the call to step out into the unknown to experiment, create, and manifest our own unique song, we need to learn to navigate with fear. We acknowledge it, study it, then make a reasoned and intentional choice.

Which is just what some of the members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have shared.

Emma of Graceful Balance writes,

“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”

And Tameka says,

“Seeing it for what it is, recognising when it does have real merit and pushing through gently, as to not hurt its feelings. It is a part of us, after all!”

How to befriend fear? Treat it with kindness. Don’t push it away. Say, “Yes, you too,” with compassion, then step outside it and move forward from clarity. This is the end of violence and separation, and the beginning of life.

I’ll leave you with the words of Rumi, the Sufi mystic, from a poem called, “The Guest House.”

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Can you welcome fear in? Can you treat it honorably? I’d love to hear…

Note: As you know, I’ve been traveling, so I’ll be taking a week off from writing. I’ll have a fresh post, ready to go, in a couple of weeks.

Love to you,

Gail

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Please Don’t Let Fear Limit You

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate…Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.”
Christopher Reeve

I had an epiphany the other day. For months, I have been planning a trip – traveling alone for three weeks in France. Two days before I left, I noticed fear…panic…doubt. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

And then the light turned on. Would I give up this trip because of fear? Would I stay home and play it safe? Would I deny the “Yes!” that has pervaded my plans every step of the way? Never.

This is why it is essential to make fear your friend. If you live in the fantasy that life will start once you are no longer afraid, you will be playing the waiting game forever. The antidote? Get real.

I know you might be glazing over by now, thinking this is just another self-help post telling you to beat your fear. It isn’t. I don’t want you to beat your fear. But I do offer an invitation to turn toward it and see it clearly. I invite you to drop your veils and defenses and get serious about what you actually experience and what you want. I invite you to stop running and let yourself live into the fullness of you.

When you avoid fear, you let it rule. Unexamined fear takes root, paralyzing you and keeping you small. You miss opportunities and turn away from your true path.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that if you learn to walk with fear in the moments of your life that you create the space to express yourself without limit. As a popular book says, you feel the fear and do it anyway. So don’t simply read these words. Take them on, reflect on them, and don’t let fear deter you any longer. The whole world is waiting for you.

No Goal

Deeply understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Ever. Fear may go away for a time, but don’t be put off if it returns. See it as an opportunity every time. Repeat the sacred mantra of acceptance, “Oh, this,” then move forward including, rather than excluding, fear.

Stop Fighting

Take the attitude of working with fear rather than fighting against it. Think of an aikido master who accesses power by moving with the energy of his opponent. Your power comes from putting down the fight and allowing fear to be present.

End of Story

Know that repeating a story of fear strengthens the feeling. Notice your internal self-talk. If it is telling scary stories about the future, fear is the culprit. Bring your attention directly into the feeling instead. Repeating fear-based stories simply doesn’t serve.

Knowledge Is King

Get to know fear intimately in every moment in which it arises. Become familiar with what triggers it, notice it, see how it moves in your body, tune into how it affects your thoughts and behavior. Be an expert in fear so it stops dominating you.

Choose Wisely

Once you have the lay of the land, make a choice. You know fear is present. You recognize that it tells you to put on the brakes or not move forward. It persistently taps you on the shoulder, saying, “I can’t,” “I shouldn’t,” “I better not.” It makes you doubt yourself endlessly. Now, here is where the rubber meets the road. Are you man or mouse? What do you really want this life to be about?

I imagine I will have the opportunity to work with fear in the next few weeks. My French will fail me, I’ll get lost, I’ll hesitate walking into a restaurant alone. But I stand in the truth with fear as my companion, whenever it happens to arise.

And this I know for sure: the only problem is that which is created by thinking. I can think myself into fear and distress, or I can relax and enjoy. Guess which one I choose. And you?

Have you made fear your friend? What has been the effect? I’d love to hear…