Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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6 Heart-Centered Communication Tools to Strengthen Your Relationships

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“The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety.”
Erich Fromm

Communication is all about the heart. No matter how serious the conversation or the stakes involved, we want to connect, to understand, and be understood. A successful communication is so fulfilling because the separation between ourselves and the person we are speaking with softens or disappears entirely. We feel closer, more intimate, calmer, and less isolated. Who doesn’t want to communicate better?

We all can benefit from restocking our communication toolbox now and then. When we improve our communication, everybody wins. Bring these heart-centered skills into the center of your life. Everyone you know will thank you for it.

1. Use your powers of observation.

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
Yogi Berra

Improving communication is all about becoming more mindful. Start by observing your conversation partner. Notice the distance between you, eye movements, skin tone changes, arm and hand movements, tone of voice, pace of speaking. You are certain to discover something you’ve never noticed before.

Just a few days ago, I was interacting with someone I didn’t know very well. I asked a question, and saw her skin turn pale and her eyes look down. I knew something had shifted and soon discovered I had inadvertently touched a very sore spot.

What to do with the information you glean? Use it to stay in rapport with your partner. If the person you are speaking with is hesitating, wait before jumping in. If emotion is beginning to show, be empathic. If your goal is to stay connected and take the conversation deeper, your observations will guide you, as people can’t help but express themselves in a multitude of ways. See your partner with fresh eyes and you are sure to reach a new level of connection.

  • 2. Listen with an open mind and heart.

    • “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
    M. Scott Peck

    Listening is the secret key to effective communication. Listen well by paying attention to the meaning of the words and the feelings and needs being expressed. If you cannot say back what you hear, ask questions for clarification. Keep at it until you understand everything that is being said.

    Experiment with seeing how receptive and open you can be. If you are aware of anything interfering with your ability to listen openly, such as an agenda or an urge to criticize or interrupt, own it rather than project it onto the other person by saying something you are likely to regret. Be accepting of your internal reactions and needs, but keep a clear mind so you can really listen to the other person.

    If you notice your attention wandering, reconnect with the interaction by engaging your powers of observation and by listening to what really matters to the person.

  • 3. Ask questions.

    • “We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.”
    Herman Melville

    People love knowing that others are interested in them, so be curious about what is being said by asking questions. As more is revealed, your connection with each other naturally deepens. And like an explorer, you will learn something new as you enter uncharted territory. Here are some suggestions: how do/did you feel…what was your reaction…what was important to you about that…how was that for you.

    One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Anything else?” After someone has expressed their concerns or needs, asking if there is anything else communicates your intention to really take on board all of what they wish to express. It helps people to feel satisfied with the interaction, and you just might hear the most important point.

  • 4. Press the pause button.

    • “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
    The Buddha

    When you feel emotions of anger and frustration rising up, press the pause button. We all have said things in the heat of the moment that didn’t serve the interaction. During a difficult conversation, try to keep about 10 percent of your attention, or more if necessary, on your inner reactions. If you start moving from a simmer to a boil, press the pause button. Then you have some options.

    First, take care of yourself by acknowledging that the moment is challenging, taking a conscious breath, and accepting your feelings. Then try approaching the conversation from a different angle, asking a question, focusing on listening, sharing how you are feeling without blaming, or any other (constructive) possibility that comes to mind. If you need to take a break, do so and continue the conversation when you are calmer.

  • 5. Beware of expectations.

    • “The healthy mind challenges its own assumptions.”
    The I Ching

    Have you ever had the same problematic conversation over and over? If so, your heart is almost certainly closed to this person. You are probably approaching the interaction with an expectation of how it will go, which ultimately turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. An expectation keeps the interaction in a rut before it even starts. Recognize that you are not seeing the other person clearly – you are viewing them through the veil of your expectation.

    The solution? Put your predictions aside and show up with a fresh, clear mind. Imagine this is the first time this interaction ever occurred. Redouble your efforts to observe and listen, and be open to the possibility of new insights and outcomes.

  • 6. Express appreciation.

    • “Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver, and this connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging.”
    Deepak Chopra

    We can never express too much appreciation. Why not send more love out into the world? You can do it with good communication. Step out of your comfort zone to offer a compliment, voice your thanks, share a hug, speak genuinely about what you appreciate. Consider people you see frequently and might take for granted – co-workers, family members, the person who serves you coffee or rides the same bus. How can you connect with them by opening your heart just a little more?

    Communication from the heart dissolves boundaries and heals division. When we are open to seeing the other as is and listening deeply, we truly meet as one.

    Marriage and Fulfillment (Q & A)

    Dear Gail,

    For many years I have moved toward inner peace and happiness. Each day I wake with happy thoughts. I am enjoying my retirement which includes many activities I enjoy. The Universe time and time again seems to manifest my every desire…

    Except for my 35 year marriage in which my wife and I have constantly grown apart. I am active, strong, and at a healthy weight. She is not active and has more than doubled her weight. When I want to walk with her, I wheel her in a wheelchair. Her disposition has gotten so negative that she actually cannot see anything that is very positive. She is not trying to make my life difficult. I think in her mind she would say she is nice to me, but my perception is that she treats me like a child. We live in this little world of being fairly nice to each other. My difficulty is that I would like to have adult conversations and an intimate relationship, but instead I have this parent in my life.

    I have resorted to pretty much withdrawing emotionally (although I keep testing the waters) and being kind to her. I long ago decided to keep my wedding vows so that is off the table unless she becomes mean…(which only seems to happen when she is sick and requires care).

    Sometimes I think this must be the best possible situation because it seems to be the only thing in my life that does not appear to me to be working great. Any ideas? Comments?

    Signed,
    Almost Fulfilled

    Dear Almost Fulfilled,

    Thank you for your heartfelt question.

    A potential trap in the type of situation you describe is that one person thinks their partner needs to change for them to be happy. We disempower ourselves by putting our happiness in other people’s hands. I am not hearing that you are caught in this way. You would prefer that your wife be different, but it sounds like you are basically happy inside, and, for the most part, your life seems quite satisfying. You are taking responsibility and are not blaming her for any unhappiness you might experience. This is clarity.

    You have also reflected about your willingness to keep your wedding vows. Every life situation is an opportunity to bring our attention inside and investigate what is true for us. For you at this time, it is clear that you want to stay in the marriage and continue to be faithful to your wife. I imagine that you return to this question from time to time; each time is an opportunity to listen to your inner knowing.

    I am struck by the level of kindness you display toward your wife. You say you have withdrawn emotionally from her, but your heart remains wide open. This is a paradox, like a zen koan, that you might reflect on.

    Any life situation can be a doorway to knowing the deepest truth. I would invite you to get to know any remaining belief systems you may be holding and to meet all your feelings in the most loving embrace. Then the question arises: is it really true that you are living without something you want?

    Let your radiant self shine…
    Gail

    Dear Gail,

    I very much appreciated your care to be sure my question was clearly understood and that any changes, and even your response, was agreeable to me. This process of being sure you understood my question had a strange side effect. The “problem” started dissolving after you wrote for a clarification of my question. It appears the experience of another person caring enough to truly understand is, in itself, helpful.

    As I write this I am searching for that “problem” – somehow it’s gone missing! Instead there is an overwhelming feeling of blessing my wife has brought into my life, not only the children and grandchildren and the good early years, but also the simple being there through all those years.

    Thank you so very much.

    Signed,
    Never Not Fulfilled

    Four Essential Guidelines for Improving Your Relationships – Part 2

    twomenIn Part 1 of these essential guidelines, we addressed honesty in communication by asking the question, “Is it true?” The remaining three guidelines discussed below invite a deeper contemplation of what we bring to our relationships.

    Is it useful?

    This question invites us to reflect on the content of what we express in the world. Do you gossip? Do you facilitate your own and others’ personal drama? Are you a chatterbox who doesn’t leave space in the conversation for anyone else to contribute? I invite you to genuinely examine your speech throughout the day. Is it useful, helpful, coming from care and openness?
    Consider these common ways of speaking:

    • Criticizing and judging
    • Blaming others
    • Gossiping
    • Chattering on about trivial matters
    • Boasting
    • Repeating the story of one’s personal drama to anyone who will listen

    Now consider the following and notice the quality of the experience that arises as you read them. How does it feel to speak from an open heart?

    • Sharing your own or another’s joy and good fortune
    • Sincerely complimenting another
    • Asking for or offering support or help
    • Talking about recent everyday experiences as a way to connect
    • Asking questions to understand someone more deeply
    • Solving a problem together

    Let your awareness and even your whole body, every cell, be open to new ways of communicating. Bring your attention inside to connect with your deepest desires, what you really want to be saying. Be careful not to delude yourself or pretend you don’t know the truth. Lovingly welcome all your feelings, needs, and justifications. In the light of awareness that includes everything, allow your natural, heartfelt responding to flow.

    Can I say it with kindness?

    Compassionate communication begins with an open heart and an intention for a true connection. You can reflect and see for yourself: Are your words gentle or harsh? Do your tone of voice and body language convey that you are open and available? We are so fortunate to be able to be conscious of the energy we contribute to the world. Here is our choice: to perpetuate negativity and division or support fulfillment and unity.

    Hurtful speech is distancing. It stems from conditioned views and opinions that we sometimes take very seriously. Fueled by fear and separation, we expect a specific response and judge or put down others when they don’t meet our needs. Speaking in a hurtful way promotes conflict and disharmony in our relationships and our world. How can we come together if we use antagonistic words or blurt out our feelings without tempering them?

    You may be used to speaking in ways that cut people off or shut them down. Maybe you sap the energy from others or your biting humor stabs. It is possible for these tendencies to fall away. Knowing yourself so fully that you see through to the deepest truth can transform your defenses. The heart opens, and the sense of separation disappears.

    Is now the proper time and place?

    I’ll let you in on a little secret I have learned. If there is something burning that I think I need to say to someone, I try to maximize my chances for a satisfying conversation. I wait for the time when there is privacy, I am relaxed, and the other person seems receptive. To my great surprise and relief, I have often found that in the waiting, whatever seemed so important for me to say loses its charge. Often, I can’t even find the problem anymore.

    Now, when a story begins to repeat itself in my mind about what needs to be said, I feel the intensity underneath that is driving it, and my whole perspective shifts. Sometimes I still need to speak, but the conversation comes from a more grounded and loving place with much less emotional charge. It’s not an exaggeration to say that my relationships have been transformed by this understanding. If you try this out in your own life, please let me know what happens.

    In choosing when to speak, be respectful, consider the other person’s needs, and center yourself in your heart. Ask your friend if the time is right. If you stop communicating effectively, acknowledge the difficulty, and take a break until you are more clear and open.

    Final Words

    It takes courage and willingness to alter our habits of speaking. As you are learning by now on this site, every behavior, thought, or feeling is a potential opening into a deeper investigation of unconscious, conditioned patterns. All it takes is a sense of uneasiness or an honest look into what isn’t working in our lives, and before you know it, we are discovering ancient fears and resistances that have been lying hidden in the recesses of our being. And these can cause a lot of trouble. Simply said, if you want to be completely free, all of it needs to be seen.

    Can we be totally honest with ourselves? Let’s see what we bring to our interactions that is distancing, manipulative, or fear-based. Know these dynamics so completely with the light of your consciousness that they can no longer hide. Ask yourself what you really want, and have the courage to express it in your daily life. You are a breath of fresh air when you say the truth with kindness and compassion. And if you falter, be heartened by the opportunity to renew your commitment once again. See how you avoid intimacy, meet the fear fully, and be generous. Let your radiance shine.

    image credit: pedrosimoes7

    Four Essential Guidelines for Improving Your Relationships – Part 1

    cellphonesI love to communicate with people. Admittedly, I’m not too interested in superficial cocktail party-type chatter, but I find a true and deep meeting with another enormously enriching. I mean, don’t we all? What fills us up more than a real connection – from a knowing glance with a stranger to an all-night pajama party with your lover or best friend? And what is more disconcerting than misunderstandings, disagreements, and fears and defenses that keep us isolated?

    Satisfying communication is mutual in that the two people speaking share an understanding of the meaning of what is being said. The conversation flows and feels easy and connected. Both people are open and present, and their needs are being met. Communication includes the intention, choice of words, tone of voice, body language, and willingness to listen.

    Investigating Your Habits

    Improving communication takes more than simply applying some tips and tools. You might decide to integrate new communication skills into your conversations, but in the midst of a challenging interaction, the strength of your feelings and opinions stops you in your tracks.

    Our habits of speaking and listening, the ways in which we strategize to protect our interests or present ourselves in a certain way, are well entrenched. If you find that you have communication problems in your relationships, or that you would like to deepen in your level of connection with others, the only real solution is to be self-aware, to turn your attention inside to investigate the expectations, fears, and defenses that you bring to the conversation and cause you trouble. Only then can you make a different choice. You must really want to change by being awake enough to bypass your old patterns as you are speaking and be present in a different and more fulfilling way.

    Bringing Peace to Your Relationships

    You can blame the other person for the difficulties in your interactions, as many of us do, but nothing will shift until you take an honest, heartfelt look at yourself. And I encourage you to do so. Communication is a topic of great interest to me because it is a gateway into realizing the inherent sameness of all beings and provides so many opportunities to reflect on the values and qualities we live by and bring into the world. Communication is how we make contact with one another, expressing our inner world and receiving the expressions of others. With every interaction, we can make peace or war, literally. It is true, that peace begins at home. Consider looking inside to see what is most important to you, what you really want, and illuminating the inner tangles that divert you from being receptive, available, and loving in your interactions.

    The Four Essential Guidelines

    Coming from a backdrop that, deep down, all of us want to be peaceful and at ease, the way in which you communicate can either support this desire or perpetuate disharmony. The Buddhist teachings offer some guidelines to consider prior to speaking:

    • Is it true?
    • Is it useful?
    • Can I say it with kindness?
    • Is now the proper time and place?

    We consider each of these in more detail, the first one below, and the remaining three in Part 2. My purpose is this: as you become more aware of your inner experience, the mysterious reasons why you continue to recreate unsatisfying habits in your relationships are brought out into the light of day. You come to know consciously the thoughts and feelings that motivate your behavior and the subtle belief systems you live by that take you down a road to unhappiness. As your inner world is seen fully, by courageous exploration, and you welcome your experiences without judgment or resistance, you experience the freedom to respond in new, conscious, life-affirming ways.

    Is it true?

    One of the fundamentals of skillful speech is honesty. Telling the truth is simplifying and contributes to clarity of mind. When you say what is true, it is finished, with no residue. If you fabricate, distort the truth, or misrepresent yourself, something inside feels unaligned and off. You might feel guilty or confused. It takes energy to be dishonest. At some level, you know the truth, but you must invoke defenses and justifications to make the lie seem acceptable, which stirs your inner pot.

    It is worth taking a look to uncover the lies in your relationships. See if any of the following resonate: lying on your resume, saying you will call someone back when you know you have no intention of doing so, exaggerating an accomplishment or fabricating it completely, failing to admit to a wrongdoing, blaming the other when you know you share some responsibility. Years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who told me that he used to cheat on his girlfriends. He related that he had an epiphany in which he deeply experienced the harm he was causing to others as well as himself. In that moment, the cheating was over. He experienced a great deal of remorse and even apologized to some of the people who had been affected.

    By being honest, you take responsibility for yourself and communicate your inner truth. Honesty is not a weapon or an excuse to attack or criticize someone. It is speaking from the heart about your own experience. When you start a sentence with, “You are a…” or “You make me…,” you are going down a road of trouble. When you speak from your own perspective about your feelings and needs, you are keeping the lines of communication open. Be attentive to how open the other person is to what you are saying. If she argues, looks away, crosses her arms, or changes the subject, regroup and try again by speaking directly about your own experience (e.g., “I would like us to be able to communicate better”).

    One of the benefits of being honest in relationships is greater closeness. Recently, I told my partner an inner truth that I had been suppressing for some time because of my fear about the potential impact on our relationship. For a few weeks prior, I had been irritable, argumentative, and frankly not so easy to live with. When I became uncomfortable enough, it was clear that I wanted to tell the truth, rather than live in fear of the consequences. The result has been some very honest, loving discussions that have deepened the intimacy and respect between us. I have heard of two couples recently in long-term relationships who made the commitment, finally, to tell the truth to one another. Only one relationship survived, but the one that ended did so beautifully, in full resolution for both partners.

    It is true that honest communications are not always well received. To be courageously honest, means fully receiving any outcome that results from what you say. Sometimes when we start telling the truth, we are faced with some difficult choices. Stay grounded in yourself, and meet whatever you experience with compassion. Your inner truth is always your best guide.

    We could say that honesty is the best policy. I support you in being honest, not as a policy, but as a commitment to yourself to live in accordance with what you know to be true, to live in inner freedom and peace.

    What has been your experience when you tell the truth? How has it affected you and your relationships?

    In Part 2, we will address the next three guidelines: Is it useful? Can I say it with kindness? Is now the proper time and place?

    image credit: ingorrr

    The Secret to Peaceful Relationships

    “What we anticipate seldom occurs, what we least expected generally happens.”
    Benjamin Disraeli, British author and statesman

    There was a time when it was very easy for me to be disappointed by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel angry or let down when someone failed to do what I wanted them to do or what they agreed they would do. I would sometimes be filled with strong, uncomfortable feelings in these situations. In addition, as you might imagine, this propensity brought friction into my friendships and other relationships as I even complained to these unwitting perpetrators that they shouldn’t have done what they did. Am I alone in creating discord by not accepting people as they are?

    The last time I felt disappointed by someone’s behavior, a friend had decided to attend a concert with me that I really wanted to see. A few days prior to the event, she cancelled. Sure, I could have taken it in stride, rallied, and found someone else to take her ticket, which I eventually did. But in the moment when she cancelled, I was taken over by feeling bereft – and very irritated. Her behavior had failed to match my expectation. What was different about this time is that, thankfully, the light bulb went off.

    Expectations Are Not Reality

    First, I recognized that I had been in exactly this place, feeling exactly what I was feeling, countless times before. I knew it was a trap to place my happiness in the hands of something I had no control over – someone else’s behavior. I was definitely motivated to look into my own process in an attempt to find a way out. In a freeing moment of insight, I saw how I had created the whole problem in my thinking. At the root of the problem was my expectation that my friend should do what she said she would do. I had unconsciously turned that thought into reality: because she said she would go, then that is what would – and should – happen. I realized how my expectation about her behavior had nothing to do with what she actually did. People do what they do; they don’t do what they don’t do. And they definitely don’t always do what they say they are going to do. I saw that applying an expectation to a person or situation is actually a recipe for suffering.

    I undertook a study of the nature of expectations. The dictionary defines an expectation as “the act of regarding as likely to happen” and “anticipating the occurrence or the coming of.” An expectation is essentially an imagining about the future, a theoretical pseudo-reality that is created by thoughts in the mind. It is a thought that, when taken as real and true, leads us to assume that a given occurrence will happen. When seen for what it really is, it is merely a thought that has nothing to do with what may or may not happen. I may expect my friend to attend the concert, but this expectation is irrelevant to what she actually does. And believing that she “should” attend the concert when she decides not to only sets me up for an unpleasant emotional reaction.

    When I applied this understanding to my persistent inclination to expect something to happen followed by disappointment, the whole pattern unraveled. I saw the way I had created this problem over and over. I had placed an expectation onto people’s behavior that I believed to be true, then became incensed when they did not comply. So many years of stress for me and disharmony in my relationships. I felt sad and contrite as well as liberated and joyful. I phoned my friend and thanked her for canceling our plans as I shared my insights with her. We laughed and felt our bond once again.

    Relationship Difficulties

    I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that our unmet expectations of others is the primary cause of interpersonal strife. Take a moment to reflect on how this operates in your own life. When you consider every problem you have with someone else, no matter how important or insignificant, you will probably notice that it is based on your belief about something that person should or shouldn’t say or do. You may try to convince yourself that you are right, that whatever you want to happen is the best or most appropriate outcome. But your beliefs about what is right do not control other people’s behavior.

    The Essential Question

    So here is the dilemma: We develop an expectation about someone else’s future behavior; then, if the expectation isn’t met, we experience an emotional reaction. The way out of this dilemma is to get in touch with one of life’s big questions, which is, “What do you really want?” Do you want to set yourself up to experience internal stress and bring struggle into your relationships – or do you want to feel a sense of internal – and interpersonal – ease and well-being?

    For myself, I choose the latter. Since my light bulb moment, this problem has never plagued me again to any great degree. The fundamental attitude required is a desire to know the truth, no matter what, in conjunction with a willingness to pay attention to your own thought process. At the beginning, I would catch myself feeling disappointed, then trace back to discover the expectation that I had unconsciously formulated. It was always there – the root of the problem. I connected with what I truly want, which is to let the moment be as it is without interfering, to not try to control the uncontrollable. Do I really want people to do what I expect them to? Actually, no. What I really want is for each person to act according to his or her own truth – not to cater to my expectations. I want to accept people as they are. Then it becomes my responsibility to address whatever reaction I might have to their behavior. This reasoned investigation lead me to willingly, happily abandon my expectations. I have become open and humble. There is space and freedom for whatever happens, which brings some unexpected delights. Having expectations feels stuck and constrained, while being free of them feels, well, free.

    How to Release Expectations

    If you feel inspired to unhook from having expectations of others and to do your part to bring harmony into your relationships, here are some guidelines. The first step is to recognize the expectation and its effects on you. Signs that you are trapped by this mode of thinking about others include the following:

    1. Thoughts that someone should or shouldn’t do something, sometimes showing up as an intense whirl of mental activity. Clues are: he should…, she should have…, he needs to…, she better…, I hope he…, I want her to…, I don’t want him to…
    2. Accompanying emotions directed at those who have not met your expectation – anger, frustration, fear, disappointment, abandonment, feeling like a victim.
    3. Stress, possibly appearing as physical sensations of tightness or tension.
    4. Discord in your relationships.

    Once you have discovered an expectation and how it is affecting you:

    1. Find within yourself an attitude of openness and curiosity. You already know that continuing to create your old pattern is no longer viable. You are on the precipice of an important shift, about to do something radical and different, which is to explore a habit that has troubled you for perhaps a very long time.
    2. Ask yourself these questions, one at a time, and wait for the response to arise. Allow the answer that comes to sink into your mind, your body, and the deepest part of your being.
      – What do I really want?
      – Do I have control over someone else’s behavior?
      – Is this expectation true?
      – Is this expectation serving me and this relationship?
      – What if I let go of trying to control and allow things to unfold?
    3. Continue this process each time you find yourself caught by expecting a certain outcome.

    Notice that I’m not advising you to drop the expectation. I am simply inviting you to become aware of your thoughts and feelings and ask some questions about them. This is all that is needed to take the charge out of your expectations. By truly questioning them, you are challenging the underlying assumptions that have been operating underground about them. Once your process becomes conscious and you see clearly how believing these thoughts induces suffering, your expectations actually let go of you. They no longer make sense, and you cease putting your thinking energy into them.

    You may find some inner resistance as you investigate your expectations, as you are meeting a habit that may be quite ingrained. You may find yourself developing a strong rationale to defend your expectations. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t be defeated. I can promise you that when you get fed up enough with disharmony within yourself and in your relationships, when you are persistent in being humbly willing to investigate your own thinking, when you really want inner peace, you will see results.

    But beware. You will undoubtedly experience the side effects of joy, intimacy, and a love of being alive.

    I’d love to hear your reactions, questions, insights, and experiences, so feel free to comment.