Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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A Lovely Interview—Soul-Style

soul-styleI love being interviewed. So I was happy to participate when longtime reader, Lexie Oneca, invited me to respond to some questions. Lexie blogs at ChicagoNow, where this interview was originally published. And if you have any more questions for me, please feel free to share in the comments.

Love,
Gail

20 Questions — Soul-Style

1. Who are you?

I’m assuming you mean this in the conventional sense. I’m Gail Brenner, PhD, psychologist, blogger, author.

2. What do you do?

My work offers a bridge between common psychological problems that people experience and true spiritual understanding about the nature of reality. I’m most interested in the ways that people get stuck and helping them to shed false identities so they can know how beautiful they really are. From that foundation, I see people individually, I facilitate a group with the theme of living in truth, and I write. My forthcoming book is, “The Way of Yes: Finding Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life.”

3. Why do you do it?

I find that trying to answer any “why” question brings a contraction to my mind as it searches for an answer. I do what I feel moved to do, what gives me joy. It’s natural.

4. How did you find your way to it?

Psychology has been an interest of mine since the beginning of college. I was always looking for answers to deeper questions and always wanted to figure out how to be truly happy. Traditional therapy didn’t help much. But I was eventually led to teachers and teachings that showed me the way. I was on fire to know the truth about how things are — it was the whole focus of my time and activities.

5. How do you feel when you do it?

Very much in the flow. “I” am out of the way, so there is just the emerging of whatever happens, with no resistance. It’s very spontaneous and light.

6. What is the joy that keeps you up at night?

Simply being, ideas I want to write about, ideas for new projects.

7. What is one thing you still have to practice every day?

There’s nothing I feel I need to practice every day. Sometimes I’ll feel stressed, which is a sign that my mind has left the present and has created an imaginary urgency about what needs to be done. It’s an opportunity to unwind that thought pattern and return to the ordinary peaceful state of being. And when I’m triggered in interactions with my partner, I get to stop and feel the frustration and what’s behind it.

8. What are you always searching for?

I used to search for lasting peace and happiness. In the way I experience things now, I no longer search for anything. There isn’t one thing missing, nothing to add to make this moment better. It’s living in loveliness.

9. What have you found after searching?

Fulfillment, abundance, deep rest, effortless peace, ease of being, joy — all without end or boundary.

10. How do you stay connected to your inner core of peace?

I am not separate from my inner core of peace. I know that who I am is not this person with a name, history, gender and personality. I have discovered that believing that I am this separate individual was the source of unhappiness. When these false ideas fall away, I know that I am spacious, whole, transparent, the life force itself. And, at the heart of it, all forms — me, others, objects — are this as well.

The fundamental fabric of the universe is peace — you can’t get away from it, although your mind can be very good at convincing you otherwise. There is only life experiencing itself everywhere. It may appear that there are distinct forms, but pure reality is undivided. Knowing this is peace itself.

11. What makes you feel led or guided?

I have given up the idea that “I know.” So I surrender all my personal needs and desires. I listen and let myself be led.

12. What do you do when you can’t hear God (or the Universe, or Source, or your intuition) speaking to you?

I stop and find inner silence. I listen with no expectation whatsoever and with a great willingness to act on what I hear.

13. What is the difference between resistance and fear?

Resistance is saying “no” to what is. Usually, people resist because they’re afraid to allow what’s true to be as it is. This is the dynamic behind compulsive thinking and behavior patterns.

14. Where does the idea come from that we are broken, unworthy or undeserving?

It’s conditioned usually from past experiences. If unexamined, it becomes an identity that is so painful for many people. Investigating this identity reveals that it is made up of mental stories, feelings, and physical sensations. It’s learned and temporary — not real or natural — and it actually doesn’t define who you are.

15. How do you move past that to connect with others on a soul level?

There are two ways. One involves a process of investigating these thought/feeling patterns until you realize that they’re false. Unexamined, they have power. When you untangle them, they start to collapse. Like a scientist, you step back from them to see what they’re actually made of — thoughts, feelings, physical sensations — and how they operate. Then you begin to have a choice to not let the pattern control you.

The second is the direct way. You shift your attention away from any thoughts, feelings and sensations, and you realize that these arise from aware presence, simply being. Living here, the idea of a problem or identity doesn’t exist. There’s only peace. Once the pattern loses power, you are available to “others” with nothing in the way.

16. How do you stop and pull back when you notice you’re analyzing or comparing rather than using your “beginner’s mind”?

Sometimes I feel the pain of contraction, fear, or separation that comes from mental activity such as analyzing or comparing. For me, it’s a signal to stop and return attention back to its source.

17. If fear is just the ego talking, an illusion, what is the quickest way to clearing it?

Fear is an illusion, but until you know that directly in your own experience (not just as a mental concept), it’s asking for your attention. Otherwise, you skip over it, which leaves it still powerful and influencing your behavior.

Here’s how to approach it. Abandon the story about it and even the label of fear. Let your attention be one with the energy and physical sensations that you feel. Be completely allowing of the physical sensations with no expectation whatsoever that things will change. The sensations may still be present, but what you call “fear” is seen to be non-existent.

When you meet any emotion as friendly attention meeting physical sensation, the angst around it dissolves. Don’t worry about doing this quickly. It’s not about doing, it’s being, and it happens outside of time.

18. Where is the sweet spot between accepting ourselves as we are and the simultaneous desire to learn and grow?

Acceptance is the most loving starting point. There is a great relief that comes from saying Yes to what is because you give up the fight with your own experience. And when you say yes to things as they are, it becomes clear what needs to change. Then the change comes from a place of love and non-resistance, rather than fear or lack.

Say that you think you’re overweight. If you beat yourself up about it, your weight loss experience will be a struggle. But if you accept the fact that you eat to hide from feelings, and you choose to be more aligned with the wholeness that is your natural state, then change comes with a greater sense of ease.

If you feel moved to learn and grow, then follow that impulse, but always know that the process is about coming home to yourself and realizing that nothing was ever missing.

19. How can I practically start learning to simply be “present” without constantly trying to protect myself at the same time?

If you’re protecting yourself, then fear is your present moment experience. Start there. Meet whatever is showing up in your experience with love and acceptance. This is what being present is. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s about allowing what is to be as it is, and it’s the most loving way to be.

You get to make a choice: do you want to be ruled by fear, or any other unseen emotion, or do you want to be free?

20. When I start to notice that I’m being defensive, what is the path back to kindness and self love?

Noticing that you’re being defensive is the moment of celebration because you become aware that you’ve been acting on an emotion — fear, guilt, shame, anger. In that moment, open to your experience without judgment, without a story. Notice the feelings and allow them to be. This is kindness and self love. You’ve returned home.

Any more questions—or comments? I’d love to hear…

image credit

A Request for Help with Social Anxiety (Q&A)

socialanxietyThe letter below and my response are compiled from a correspondence of several emails with a lovely woman, Charlotte, who was asking for help with social anxiety. The suggestions I offer here would apply to anyone who experiences fear and self-judgment. Note: model in the photo is not Charlotte.

Dear Gail,

Since the age of 16 (I am 29 now) I have had a very long and I have to say extremely tiring and draining experience and relationship with all kinds of emotions and feelings, fear and depression being the two that I find the most distressing and hardest to live with.

I have severe Social Phobia. I feel such intense fear and self consciousness when I’m around people, even my family and several close friends I have, that I can’t think straight, my mind goes blank and I literally can’t form proper sentences.

There’s a part of me, and I think that this is going to be my key to recovery if I can ever summon up the strength and courage, that is sick of letting the stories my mind tells me run on about being too ugly and not clever or good enough, stopping me feeling good about myself (a seemingly impossible aspiration at the moment) or creating a life I want.

If you have any suggestions as to how I can deal with this problem without beating myself up, which I know only makes it worse, I just get so frustrated at not being able to express my true self in front of others. I would be so so grateful.

Warmest wishes,
Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

So much sweetness oozing out of your emails. Whether you know it or not, your light is shining – you can’t help it.

A couple of points:
First, you have a great deal of insight into your problems. This can help to some extent, but I have found that the “why” question – why am I like this – doesn’t lead to real change. You can know why zillions of things have happened, but that doesn’t mean you are going to change. Which brings me to my second point:

You know what needs to happen, which is taking an honest look at the stories you are holding on to and letting them go. Strength and courage? You have them. You are describing quite a difficult life, and you have survived this far. You absolutely have what it takes – I have no doubt.

As you contemplate your next step, be completely kind to yourself. I heard how difficult this is for you, but I suggest gathering up all the kindness you have ever experienced in your whole life and directing it toward yourself.

I heard all the challenging things that happened in your childhood. You might take out a piece of paper and write down all the kindnesses that were ever expressed toward you (including how animals have loved you and kindness you have expressed toward yourself). Jump into that pool of kindness and let it surround your every cell. Then begin to investigate the stories. Take baby steps, and when you notice you are harsh toward yourself, remember kindness. This will help you also as you welcome in the fear.

Once you learn not to have your fear as an enemy, and to hold it lovingly like you would your favorite dogs [Charlotte loves dogs], it won’t have so much power over you. So next time you feel afraid, take a few minutes by yourself. Take the love that you give to the dogs and pour it into the fear. Do this over and over, and the fear begins to not be so horrifying.

Your mind may negate this method, but just sit down and do it…then do it again and again, no matter what your mind says. For this to work for you, you will need to be very diligent, doing it every day or several times a day and not giving up. Whenever the fear is evident, just pick yourself up and start again – every time.

You are trying to counteract learning that is very strong in you. I often say “your willingness to be free needs to be stronger than your willingness to suffer.”

Also, take a look at the Q&A on the inner critic. And you might be helped by this post, especially the part at the bottom about self-soothing.

Thanks so much for writing, Charlotte. I wish you the absolute best.

Big hug and love,
Gail

image credit: Kinnéidigh Garrett

Help with Depression by Being Present (Q&A)

Dear Gail,

Is it possible to be depressed and present at the same time?

Love,
Bob

Dear Bob,

Thanks so much for your question. Depression is such a common problem – I appreciate your asking about it.

We know depression as a list of symptoms, including sadness and loss of pleasure. For some of us, however, depression becomes an identity – it feels so real, it consumes us, it is who we think we are. When we say, “I am depressed,” there is no space between “I” and “depressed” – they are the same.

But let’s look directly into what we are calling depression. We see that the identity of depression is actually a set of experiences – sadness, anxiety, lack of motivation, negative thoughts, crying, body aches, physical tension. The mind then puts these experiences together and concludes, “I am depressed.”

For many of us, this identity of depression is familiar and “sticky.” We live in the label of “I am depressed,” which is like having a smoky film covering our whole life experience.

Depression, like any experience, can be a gateway to aliveness and freedom. When we bring awareness – or presence – to the identity of depression, it begins to untangle. We notice depression not as a label, but as the actual experiences that are happening – thoughts, bodily sensations, the energy of various emotions.

We can observe these experiences from a place of curiosity, friendliness, and interest. For example, you might say, “OK, sadness is present. What actually is sadness? How does it feel in my body? What thoughts come with it? Where is it? What does it need?”

This investigation shifts the identity of depression from a concept or label to your actual experiences. In the moments of this investigation, you will notice that you stop telling yourself you are depressed – you are simply aware of what you are experiencing.

Here is a paradox: any identity we hold about ourselves is reinforced by lack of attention. If we assume the identity to be true and we don’t directly look at it with a curious and open mind, the identity is likely to continue. But when we open our minds and hearts to see what is actually going on – that is, we bring presence to it – the identity begins to unravel. See how our attention is our most precious resource?

Now, let’s go a step further. Shift your attention away from the experiences that are arising and to the observer itself. What are the qualities of the observer? Is the observer depressed? You may not notice this observer, but it is always present. It has no problem with depression, or any other experience that may arise. This is who you are – clear, spacious, benign, open, receptive.

A few important points:

  • If you are feeling suicidal or have thoughts of hurting yourself, seek professional help immediately from a mental health counselor, your family doctor, or emergency services such as 911.
  • The way I am describing depression does not negate the need for medication. Personally, I think medication for depression is overprescribed, but if it is appropriate for you, then taking it is the right thing to do.
  • This investigation that I suggest is not a technique – it’s not presented as something you try it to see if it works or not. It is an ongoing lifestyle of inquiry that can ultimately lead to the deepest peace. But for most people, this is a process that takes time and patience. It is discovering a new, fresh way of being. The right teacher, guide, or therapist may be very useful.
  • As your process deepens, you might discover some old stories you carry around, possibly from your childhood, that affect how you feel and distort your world view. These may need to be investigated in the same way that you investigate the identity of depression – by looking directly at the actual experiences.

Some thoughts about thoughts:

One of the hallmarks of depression is negative thinking. People who experience depression often cling to deeply-held beliefs about lack, hopelessness, and personal inadequacy. In fact, when the world is seen from this vantage point, depression seems like an appropriate reaction.

When we investigate these thoughts with the laser beam of our attention, we realize that they are not actually true. They are ephemeral happenings that appear in the mind and dissolve back into space. We may be able to justify them, but we can just as well find evidence for their opposite. For example, someone might be able to find support for the thought, “I am worthless,” but there will no doubt be equally valid evidence to support the thought, “I am not worthless,” that is being ignored.

Believing depressive thoughts is like putting a stranglehold on our view of the world. Bringing presence to them and seeing how they distort the truth is an opening into freedom.

Back to the question:

Is it possible to be depressed and present at the same time? Presence is the medicine for the identity of depression. When we lovingly embrace our experience as it is in the moment, we are no longer resisting it, and the identity begins to break up and even fall away. This is a journey…with every step taking you closer to clarity, ease, and well being.

In love,
Gail

Marriage and Fulfillment (Q & A)

Dear Gail,

For many years I have moved toward inner peace and happiness. Each day I wake with happy thoughts. I am enjoying my retirement which includes many activities I enjoy. The Universe time and time again seems to manifest my every desire…

Except for my 35 year marriage in which my wife and I have constantly grown apart. I am active, strong, and at a healthy weight. She is not active and has more than doubled her weight. When I want to walk with her, I wheel her in a wheelchair. Her disposition has gotten so negative that she actually cannot see anything that is very positive. She is not trying to make my life difficult. I think in her mind she would say she is nice to me, but my perception is that she treats me like a child. We live in this little world of being fairly nice to each other. My difficulty is that I would like to have adult conversations and an intimate relationship, but instead I have this parent in my life.

I have resorted to pretty much withdrawing emotionally (although I keep testing the waters) and being kind to her. I long ago decided to keep my wedding vows so that is off the table unless she becomes mean…(which only seems to happen when she is sick and requires care).

Sometimes I think this must be the best possible situation because it seems to be the only thing in my life that does not appear to me to be working great. Any ideas? Comments?

Signed,
Almost Fulfilled

Dear Almost Fulfilled,

Thank you for your heartfelt question.

A potential trap in the type of situation you describe is that one person thinks their partner needs to change for them to be happy. We disempower ourselves by putting our happiness in other people’s hands. I am not hearing that you are caught in this way. You would prefer that your wife be different, but it sounds like you are basically happy inside, and, for the most part, your life seems quite satisfying. You are taking responsibility and are not blaming her for any unhappiness you might experience. This is clarity.

You have also reflected about your willingness to keep your wedding vows. Every life situation is an opportunity to bring our attention inside and investigate what is true for us. For you at this time, it is clear that you want to stay in the marriage and continue to be faithful to your wife. I imagine that you return to this question from time to time; each time is an opportunity to listen to your inner knowing.

I am struck by the level of kindness you display toward your wife. You say you have withdrawn emotionally from her, but your heart remains wide open. This is a paradox, like a zen koan, that you might reflect on.

Any life situation can be a doorway to knowing the deepest truth. I would invite you to get to know any remaining belief systems you may be holding and to meet all your feelings in the most loving embrace. Then the question arises: is it really true that you are living without something you want?

Let your radiant self shine…
Gail

Dear Gail,

I very much appreciated your care to be sure my question was clearly understood and that any changes, and even your response, was agreeable to me. This process of being sure you understood my question had a strange side effect. The “problem” started dissolving after you wrote for a clarification of my question. It appears the experience of another person caring enough to truly understand is, in itself, helpful.

As I write this I am searching for that “problem” – somehow it’s gone missing! Instead there is an overwhelming feeling of blessing my wife has brought into my life, not only the children and grandchildren and the good early years, but also the simple being there through all those years.

Thank you so very much.

Signed,
Never Not Fulfilled

The Inner Critic

Dear Gail,

I have a question and would love your help.

I have generally been feeling a lack of motivation about a number of things in my life. I will initially get excited about something, but then get stopped for any number of reasons my mind dreams up. As a result, I have difficulty moving forward.

I was asked to coordinate a committee that I’ve been involved with in the past. I had reservations about doing it again, but also felt some renewed excitement. Mostly, I felt that I “should” do it, as it’s a very good cause to support. I basically accepted, but expressed my reservations to the organization’s staff, and now I need to get back to them with my final answer. This past week I’ve looked inside. I’m clearly seeing I don’t want to take it on again. I also see what’s behind my “should’s”: so and so will be disappointed in me, I’m a failure, they won’t be happy with me, they will never ask me again, going back on my word, on and on and on… I also am afraid to call back and decline. It would be so much easier if I just wanted to do it.

I know none of this mind talk is true. I can call and decline. I can continue to sit with this lack of motivation. I know that there is no right or wrong way to be. Yet, I don’t trust that I’m doing the right thing. There is a deep fear or lack of trust in myself and my decisions, and a feeling that I should know all the answers. Please help??!!!

Love,
Doubting and Confused

Dear Doubting and Confused,

I so appreciate your question, as it speaks to concerns that many of us can relate to.

The essence of this problem seems to be a conflict between what you genuinely want to do and what you think you “should” do. As you know, “should’s” can cause a lot of trouble. When a thought appears saying, “I should” or “I shouldn’t,” it’s like being caught in a stranglehold. You have a deep longing to feel free to act on what your heart desires (i.e., decline coordinating the committee) – and you must contend with the harsh voice of the inner critic reprimanding and berating you for wanting what you want. Somehow you have come to believe it, as what you are calling a “lack of motivation” is actually your true desire to say no.

So what to do with this pesky critical voice that has been bringing suffering to your life for so long? First, know that it is possible to be free of it. Others who have gone before you have actually discovered the freedom from self-criticism, and you can, too.

Now, let’s get down to business. If you follow these steps every time you hear the critical thoughts, they will eventually subside, and you will feel more relaxed and less confused.

    1. Take an honest look at the inner critic to see what its purpose is. Is it trying to protect you or motivate you? Is it keeping you in line so you don’t make mistakes or get into trouble?
    2. Next, see that the source of this critical voice is fear – of failure or rejection, of not being good enough. At its core this voice is terrified, and the fear needs your loving attention.
    3. Meet the fear. Allow it to be…see how it feels in your body…ask it what it needs. Your inner conversation might look something like this:

“Hello, fear.” Already it is in shock because it is so used to being hidden. “I know you have been here for a long time, and now I would like to get to know you better. It’s OK for you to just be here. What do you need so that you can relax and not be so afraid?” Be open to whatever answers you receive; they are likely to be very illuminating.

  1. Acknowledge the effects of this critical voice: undermining trust in yourself; creating guilt, shame, and confusion; limiting your enjoyment; making you believe things about yourself that aren’t true; keeping you tense; interfering with the natural flow of your life. Are you ready to walk away from it?
  2. Reflect inside and see what you want your life to be about. Here are some choices: fear, limitation, lack, freedom, lightness, ease. What do you choose?
  3. Now this the hard part because your willingness to be free needs to be stronger than the force of the habit that is controlling you. Make the decision to not put your attention onto the critical thoughts. They may blow through your mind like a hurricane, begging for your attention, but to each thought say, “not true” or “no thank you.” You are keeping your attention on the here-and-now and casting a vote for your happiness.
  4. As you reject the thoughts, you are likely to experience the fear that has been fueling them all along. Again, meet the fear (see #3 above).
  5. Take this process on as a project, as you are trying to turn around a habit that has been in place for a long time. Address these critical thoughts every time they occur (see #5 above). If you do, eventually they will lose their steam. You will have more clarity and begin trusting yourself.

Your radiance awaits you. Choose life, and allow yourself to shine. Please feel free to write again and let me know how it’s going.

Love,
Gail