Perspectives on life Articles and Blog Posts

Is It Time to Forgive?

children playing

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power of love.”
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Forgiveness holds the possibility for expanding our capacity to love. There is only one reason to forgive. If we want to be free, if we want to live as the full and unlimited expression of ourselves, if we want our hearts to open, then we are being invited to put an end to all stories that keep us closed and contracted.

Consider also these benefits of forgiveness: less stress, lower heart rate, lower blood pressure, improved sleep, greater psychological well being.

What exactly is forgiveness? When we are in the state of unforgiving, we are holding on to a grudge. A grudge is a story of hurt and resentment that we believe to be true and repeat over and over in our thoughts. It lodges in our body and mind like a freeloading visitor who won’t leave. It keeps our hearts clamped shut, depletes our energy, and hijacks our creativity. The story of the grudge involves blaming someone else for what happened, which turns us into a victim. And as a victim, we are powerless, bitter, and stuck. If you are clinging to an old painful story, check in right now to see if this is true in your own experience.

When we make the choice to forgive, we let go of the power the grudge has over us. We are released, liberated, and free to return to our natural state of open-heartedness and clarity.

Did you notice that I didn’t mention the other person who wronged you? Forgiveness is not about the other – it is an inner letting go that finally allows us to be at peace. It is an acceptance of what happened along with a choice to stop dragging the unhappy past into the present. It is the experience of moving through blockages that keep us from being alive right now. It is for you way more than anyone else.

Byron Katie says, “Things don’t happen to you; they happen for you.” When limiting stories are put to rest, we are able to see the lesson, the offering from them, that deeply enriches our life experience.

Let’s clear up two misconceptions about forgiveness.

When you release your attention from your grievance story, you are not condoning the other’s behavior. No question – people do nasty things, and what happens in life is not always fair. Forgiving is for you, for your inner peace. You cannot control what someone did in the past, but you can examine what you are doing right now. If you persist in focusing on the terrible things someone did to you, even though the actual behavior stopped long ago, you are still hurting yourself in your mind. If you accept that what happened happened, no matter what your opinion about it, you are well on your way to freeing your heart.
You can be completely released without receiving an apology. An apology indicates that the other acknowledges and takes responsibility for his or her behavior. This may support your process, but it is not essential. The key to forgiveness is an inner letting go, which occurs only when your mind stops perpetuating a hurtful story. It is work you can do on your own. This is very good news, as it means you can forgive even if the other has died or is unable to converse with you about what happened.

Forgiveness is a process

Forgiveness happens in its own time. It is never too early, or too late, to let go. When the time is right for you, adopt an attitude of tough love: be tender and compassionate, but don’t let yourself off the hook. Stay committed and on track, even if it’s challenging, until you feel at peace.

First, identify your experience of the grudge. What are your thoughts…feelings…physical sensations? What is the texture of your experience? Close your eyes and see. Grudges often make you feel flat, dense, dark, and heavy. You are likely to have been thinking about the situation in exactly the same way for a very long time. You know the story by heart. Crack open to the possibility of discovering something new about it that has the potential to release you from suffering.
Experience the feelings directly. Without justifying them by repeating the story of what happened, simply welcome the sensations in love and acceptance. Let things be as they are, even if they are intense or fiery. Meeting the feelings directly will eventually help to soften them.
You might notice a part of you that shouts a resounding, “No!” to this process. Maybe you continue to blame someone, legitimize your right to feel the way you do, or avoid the whole thing altogether. These are all ways of keeping your grudge intact. Offer a loving, “Yes” to even these experiences by accepting the underlying pain that energizes them. Be so kind to these tender places in you.
Now consider the impact that holding on to this story has on you. How is it serving you? What aspects of your life have been affected? Imagine, just for a moment, that you were not putting your energy and attention into this story. How would you and your life be different? Realize that the past is over, but that you are keeping it alive in your mind and body. Who is most impacted by perpetuating this story?
Acknowledge the core belief that keeps the story running – it shouldn’t have happened, it should have been different. Sustaining this belief abdicates your power to something you cannot control, which is what others think, say, or do. Give up blaming, and don’t wait for history to change or for the offender to apologize. Cease living in, “If only that hadn’t happened.” You are putting off your own life. Things happen as they happen – let go of expectations of others, for your own sake.
Bring your attention inside, and ask yourself what you need, then be creative so that your need is fulfilled. If you need to express yourself to someone, do so in a letter you will never mail. Or ask a trusted friend to sit with you, imagining he or she is the person you desire to speak to. You can even use an empty chair. Say what needs to be said, then put it to rest. If you feel you need love, treat yourself like royalty, then pass it on to someone who needs it more than you. Do whatever it takes so that you can let go of the ball and chain you are dragging around.

In the course of writing this article, I discussed it with two friends who spontaneously applied the suggestions to their own grievance stories. Once they saw how much they were resisting letting go of the story and how it kept them trapped in victimhood and powerlessness, they made the choice to give it up…right before my eyes! They did it, I’ve done it, and so can you. Release yourself, and experience freedom beyond measure!

What are you holding on to? What has your experience been with letting go? What challenges are you aware of?

Life Lessons from Our Elders #5: Open to Love

Helping Grandmother Walk “Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do…but how much love we put in that action.”
Mother Teresa

This is the last in a series of Life Lessons from Our Elders. Here are the links to the first four: Be Present for Your Life, Appreciate Everything but Don’t Be Attached to It, Don’t Wait, and Accept Things as They Are. I’d love to know what you thought of the series. I’m always open to feedback, so please feel free to comment or send an email. It’s been a joy for me to write and share it.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I’m around older people, I experience so many tender moments. I was sitting in a waiting room with my elderly mother recently. A pianist was playing some old cover tunes from her era, and she tentatively began to remember the words and sing along. She was so delighted! Tears filled my eyes. It was such a bittersweet moment for me, as I saw her reliving a time now long gone. I had a flash of what she must have been like as a young woman hearing that song and saw before me the reality of her inescapable decline.

Even if we don’t think about it consciously, when we are around older people, death is in the air. We see what happens to faces and bodies, and we recoil inside, secretly asking, “Will that happen to me?” Experiences with older people underscore our most basic choice – to close or to open. You can check this out for yourself. Closing feels flat and avoids what is actually true and present. It creates complication and confusion. Opening our hearts to everything, even if it’s challenging, is alive, enriching, and real.

Aging seems to soften people. As personal desires and expectations fall away, there is a natural opening to what remains, which is love. I used to visit an elegant woman in a nursing home who was very ill with lung disease. She simply wanted to sit in silence while I held her hand – it was so intimate. Several people asked for hugs every time. I saw thousands of small ways in which brittle hearts were cracking open.

I learned to meet people exactly where they are. I get a sense of how close to sit, whether to touch or not, how loudly or slowly to speak, when to be silent. I let go of myself completely and let their needs and wishes guide us. I don’t mean to sound sappy at all, but what is so apparent is that we meet in love.

Angela is an aide at a nursing home who embodies this understanding. Her job is to give people showers, which for many is not the highlight of their week as the required movement and physical stimulation is overly jarring. But things are different when Angela is on duty. Each person emerges glowing, powdered, and pampered. The men are flawlessly shaved, and the women’s makeup and hair are done to perfection. The love, honor, and care that infuse her work can inspire all of us.

There is a natural course to the life cycle that signifies our priorities, how busy we are, and what we do with our time at different stages. In our teens and 20’s, we are oriented to exploring the world and our place in it. The 30’s and 40’s are typically occupied with work, home, and family. Later on, we begin to slow down, and our focus gradually moves inward. What our elders teach us is that love is available to be recognized in all of these moments.

The lesson here is to take the time to notice how we get distracted, then return to the underlying truth of what remains when everything else drops away. With a simple shift of attention, we move from contracting in fear and defensiveness to opening in love. And when we allow love to permeate our lives, miracles happen every day.

I invite you to notice older people around you – on the bus, in the grocery store. Use your faculty of observation to take them in. What do you see? How do you react? What life lessons have you learned from your elders?

Life Lessons from Our Elders #4: Accept Things as They Are

This is the fourth in a series of posts on Life Lessons from Our Elders. You can find the previous ones here (#1, #2, #3).

I have seen older people resist the changes that aging naturally brings, and I have seen others receive what life offers them in such a gentle and gracious way. The lesson from my elders is that if you want to be peaceful and at ease, accept things as they are.

Mary was in her 80’s and was drifting into the cognitive oblivion and physical debilitation of Alzheimer’s disease. Surprisingly, though, she was never so taken over by the disease that she couldn’t understand what was happening to her. There was a certain degree of acceptance, and she appreciated the loving attention of family members and caregivers. However, her primary reaction vacillated between frustration and resignation. She was lovable and funny and at the same time depressed, bitter, and pessimistic. Mary knew what was occurring, but would have given anything for her reality to be different than it was.

Seeing older people resist and suffer made me wonder why they take up the fight. Some people think a battle is necessary in order to survive. They think they are struggling to live, to vanquish the very process that is as reliable as the sunrise. The thinking is, “If I stop fighting against what is happening, I will die.” And the obvious truth is: they are going to die anyway. It’s a losing battle, and in the process, the unfortunate and unnecessary loss is one’s happiness and quality of life.

Even though most of us are not on our deathbed, there are many ways we fight against reality.

We want situations to be different than they are.
We wish for other people to change so they are more to our liking.
We try to avoid our fears.
We come up with a picture of what we want our lives to look like and try to make reality conform to it.
We don’t listen to the quiet voice, our inner guidance that whispers the direction of the true path for our lives.

The results of this resistance are anxiety, confusion, self-doubt, irritation, lack of passion, emptiness, and boredom, as well as muscular tension and stress-related symptoms and illnesses. These experiences are all signs of hidden feelings and belief systems that are asking for our attention and embrace rather than denial.

True acceptance is neither passivity nor resignation in response to life circumstances. It is a willingness to acknowledge and welcome all experiences as they are, with friendliness and receptivity. It does not mean that you do nothing. In fact, accepting reality as it is simplifies one’s inner world and allows clear alternatives for wise and appropriate action to come to light.

The loss of the functioning of the body is particularly acute for older people and highlights the choice to fight or be at ease. Almost without exception, they complain about going to too many doctor’s appointments and taking too much medication. They can lose the ability to hear, see, walk, and remember. The functions of elimination become challenging in different ways. Sleep is often disturbed, and physical pain can be a daily occurrence. These experiences are potentially so rich, as it becomes impossible to deny the reality of impermanence. Each one is an invitation, the question being: are they received with compassion, or do they feed the inner war of resistance?

Sam was a lovely man in a nursing home who was blind and mostly deaf. Speaking to him took a lot of energy, as I had to practically scream into his good ear. But he was alert and enjoyed telling stories about his family in Minnesota. The truth is, I didn’t always get the gist of the story, but I know he appreciated a well-intentioned visitor. Sam’s functional challenges were quite severe. If he had been crotchety and bitter, you almost couldn’t blame him. But somehow he was able to sustain this incredible sweetness. He lived with the cup half full and was an inspiration to all who came in contact with him.

The one choice we consistently have is how we react to all that arises, both inner (thoughts and feelings) and outer (other people, life situations). It is so easy to be caught in the trap of resisting these, of wanting things to be different than they are. The experiences of our elders remind us to contemplate what we want for our lives. And if the answer is peace, happiness, and ease, enjoy yourself, flow with your circumstances, and cultivate a deep acceptance for things as they are.

Life Lessons from Our Elders #3: Don’t Wait

istock_000007073456xsmall This is the third in a series of posts called, “Life Lessons from Our Elders.” We’ve covered “Be Present for Your Life” and “Appreciate What You Have, but Don’t Be Attached to It.”

In Lesson #2, I suggested taking a look at your life to see what you are grateful for. In doing so, you may have encountered some aspects that aren’t quite working for you. These are asking for your attention.

I worked with one elderly man who didn’t live the most ethical life in the world. He was dishonest in his business dealings and had numerous affairs while being married. Faced with the end of his life, he was consumed with regret. It was painful to watch as the insights poured in.

The lesson here is: don’t wait. You are going to die. If you don’t die unexpectedly, you will be reflecting on how you lived. Everyone does it. You will be looking back to the time you are living right now. So how are you doing?

The lesson here is to first contemplate what you want your life to be about, then have the courage to take the appropriate action. If you complete all your unfinished business now and keep it completed, you get to live the rest of your life feeling fulfilled and happy.

What are your priorities, really? What do you really want? Take the time to contemplate and find out. Your answers to these questions may inspire you to begin making changes. These changes may be in your circumstances, but they start with yourself. What is being asked for is self-reflection. It is a blessed step to turn your attention inside, to explore all the inner nooks and crannies, to discover how you limit and confuse yourself. This choice to look inside is critical. If, for example, you are in an unhappy marriage, before jumping to a divorce, see what you can change about yourself so you become a better partner. If your job isn’t right for you, see if you can approach it in a different way before leaving. And if you leave, have your next move be from clarity rather than fear.

Maybe you have a bucket list – something you always wanted to do but haven’t gotten around to doing – before you kick the bucket. Perhaps you feel called to a spiritual path or service to others. Maybe you haven’t yet discovered your passion in life. Now is the time to give these longings your loving attention.

You may find that you need to clean things up. Maybe literally. Is your place a mess? Are you slacking off? Is your to-do list getting longer? The message here is to take care of all the things that are cluttering your mind and your environment. Step up and be responsible. Enjoy yourself, but don’t procrastinate endlessly. Let go of blaming things you cannot control, and do what you need to do so you can live in peace. Remember, one of these days you will be looking back at this time. Do you like what you see?

Maybe what needs to be cleaned up are your relationships. Do you need to let go of a grudge or express your gratitude and love to someone? Do you need to walk away from a person in your life even if it’s painful to do so? I have learned from my elders to approach situations with wisdom and consideration. If you are deeply listening to yourself, when it’s time to make a move, you will know.

A word here about forgiveness, with more coming in a future post. Ultimately, forgiveness doesn’t have to do with others; it is an internal letting go. You are the one who hurts most from holding on to a grudge, and you are the one who will feel most at ease when you let it go. A grudge is a story of victimhood and suffering that you repeat to yourself over and over. So when the time feels right, investigate the story from a fresh perspective, and allow your heart to soften.

Finally, what is the feeling tone of your everyday existence? If your overriding experience is fear, anger, frustration, or unhappiness, if life seems empty and lacking, now is the time to address these concerns. If you need help, have the intelligence to seek it out. Imagine that this very moment is your last, and take the steps to make it a joyous one in every way.

Life Lessons from Our Elders #2: Appreciate What You Have, but Don’t Be Attached to It

istock_prayingchild This is the second in a series of posts about Life Lessons from Our Elders. The first one, Be Present for Your Life, can be found here. These are lessons for anyone at any age, as there is so much we can learn from one another.

Most young people have no idea of the riches they possess. I know I didn’t (I’m 54 now). Good health, unlimited opportunities, beautiful bodies, hope and optimism. They take these things for granted. The lesson here is to appreciate what you have, and the tricky part is not to be attached to it. So let’s break this down.

Appreciating what you have means first noticing what you have, then being grateful for it. There is always something. You are alive and breathing. If you are reading this, you have some capabilities, no matter what the circumstances in your life are. Think of Mary Jane from Lesson #1, and use her as a guide to discover what you are grateful for.

If you need more inspiration, consider this. Psychologists Robert Emmons, Ph.D. And Michael McCullough, Ph.D. asked people to keep a weekly gratitude list and compared them to people writing a list of hassles or neutral events. The requirement was minimal: one sentence containing five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week. The results were impressive. At the end of 10 weeks, the group who kept the gratitude list were 25 percent happier than the other participants. They reported fewer health complaints and spent more time exercising. The next study, in which the gratitude list was kept on a daily basis, showed an even stronger effect. The gratitude group reported feeling more joyful, interested, and energetic, and were rated as more helpful by their friends.

If you want to be more appreciative, create your own gratitude list, and for each item say, “Thank you.” Feel the appreciation sink into every cell, letting it in completely. Do this each day. In fact, live in appreciation for everything always. You only really have what you have in this moment.

Not being attached to these things you appreciate means knowing that they are temporary. And all of it is temporary – your body, people in your life, everything you think you are. Check this out and see. Are you really a father or daughter, or are these roles you have taken on? Do you own anything? Isn’t it the case that it could all be taken away? I know some people who lost their homes in fires recently who got a huge dose of this reality.

If you are attached, if you define yourself by the roles you play and the things you own, including your body, you are setting yourself up for a big fall. Because we can completely rely on the fact that none of this will last forever.

Emma was a lovely 89-year-old woman who was a good friend; however, she was not always easy to be with. She complained all the time about her physical frailties and was bent on resisting the reality of aging. She had been a successful real estate agent and political rabblerouser, and just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that these identities were gone. Her body was clearly taking her down a certain path, but her mind refused to follow. It was obvious to me that she wasn’t going to change her view. It became a deeply enriching practice for me to love her as is and not resist her resistance. In the end, she was more than ready to die as her physical condition declined. I hope she died in peace, but I will never know.

Contemplating the death of all things can be morbid if we focus on the losses. We can cling and live in fear of the future. What I have learned is to turn that around, to hold everything and everyone so very tenderly, to celebrate and appreciate until my heart can hardly bear any more. This is the lesson my elders have taught me.

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