Knowing yourself Articles and Blog Posts

Are You Ready to Choose Sanity?

sanity “Embracing our humanness is what actually delivers us beyond attachment and non-attachment and into the vastness of true freedom, love, and compassion.”
~Adyashanti

Here are some people I’ve come across recently.

A man whose light shines so brightly. He wants to end a relationship that is no longer joyful, but feels he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants.
Two competent professional women who are overcommitted, hyper-responsible, unable to set boundaries, and burned out.
A man so intent on “making it big,” that he squanders his family’s savings and ends up in debt with his wife on the verge of leaving him.
An amazing young woman, happy and content in a long relationship with her boyfriend who treats her like gold. Her mother judges them because he doesn’t fit her idea of a suitable partner, driving a wedge in her relationship with her daughter.

These are normal scenarios, you might say. This is how life is. Most likely, we all know people who are struggling with everyday situations such as these. Maybe you are one of them.

But when I feel into each of these circumstances, my heart aches. Doesn’t yours?

The Disease

Well, I am here to tell you that what we call normal is insane. What happens when we cling to beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world that dictate how things should be? What happens when we resist fear, when we need to be right? We bring stress and unhappiness to our own lives and the lives of those around us.

Can we please stop doing this?

The Cure

There is a cure for this disease of normal insanity. It is called willingness, longing for truth, courageous honesty.

And the treatment is investigation, taking a curious and penetrating look at your beliefs and fears to see what is actually true. What brings stress? What serves? What is a belief, a feeling?

Don’t investigate your inner experience to save the world. Don’t worry about taking care of anyone else.

This is the cosmic joke: The only one to pay attention to is you. Place your own happiness and peace foremost in your mind. Do it for you and your personal well-being. Embrace your human suffering completely. Get to know it intimately. Break it down to see what it is really made of.

You will see that it is a gateway to realizing the totality of existence, love in overflowing abundance, laser-like wisdom that sees things clearly. Beliefs collapse like a house of cards. Fear is experienced as just physical sensations. And the pain of separation melts into effortless compassion and generosity.

Next time you feel the momentum to carry out an old habit, stop, feel the intensity of the urge, breathe, and let sanity guide you. Every single time. Abandon the big picture, and bring your attention to your moment-by-moment existence. Here is where the juice is, the traps and the possibility for freedom from them.

Normal insanity is not a problem – it is an opportunity. Do you feel separated, righteous, powerless? These are your signals to pause. Study your experience, receive yourself with oceans of compassion, and make the peaceful choice.

How about you…Are you ready to choose sanity? What attachments get in your way? I’d love to hear…

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How Does Your Garden Grow? A Gentle Guide to Nourishing the Best in You

istock_000000589354xsmall “What shape waits in the seed of you to spread its branches against a future sky?”
~David Whyte

If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that things happen in their own time. No matter what the self-improvement blogs tell you, you can’t make your passion appear on demand and you can’t control the circumstances of your life.

But you can plant and fertilize, nourish and water. You can live in the willingness to breathe life into the natural expression of the seed of you. Are you ready to find your inner gardener? Here’s how.

Don’t know

Don’t pretend to know what you don’t know. And don’t stress about not knowing. Move your attention away from the big picture. Stay close to the bone, and you will know exactly what you need to know. The signs are all around you: what thrills and enthuses you, what lands as a “yes,” what you are drawn to, what repels you, what moves you. Noticing these brings nourishment to the starving parts of you.

Untangle

Take each and every knot of resentment, fear, and deficiency. Welcome it, love it, and ultimately, don’t believe it. Entertain the possibility of liberation from everything that weighs you down.

Shed

Learn how you box yourself in. What beliefs do you live by that constrict your growth? What reactions happen in a split second that mask your happiness? Become familiar with your conditioning, and allow all the skins to shed. Get down to the bare bones, and discover that everything you ever needed is here, in your nakedness. Let the ashes of your knotted self fertilize the kernels of truth that are sprouting within you.

Forgive

I’ll let you in on a secret: I don’t get the idea of forgiving someone. But I do know the freedom that comes when anger, hurt, and self-righteousness are met with love and understanding. Don’t let your feelings about past events haunt you any longer.

Do the work; seek out the help that will free you. Any story of being wronged only keeps you stuck, keeps you from sharing your light with the world.

Surrender

Surrender has been on my radar recently. I see how clinging to any thought form or wish or object takes so much effort. And inherent to the clinging is a subversive story of “me.” I want, I need, I expect, I think, I should. It’s exhausting and endless. Unless you surrender.

Letting go of the attachment to “me” is so relaxing, like floating in space. By surrendering, you put down your defenses and realize the power of being one with now. You enter the flow and let life be lived through you.

Trust

You are allowed to trust what you know, to want what you want. Before self-doubt creeps in, there is a moment of knowing shining like a laser through the fog. Find your way back to the knowing, and nurture this precious seed. You can trust yourself to stay present to the truth of you.

Pray

No, I’m not getting all religious on you. But I do know the value of putting our deepest longings into words. Do you want clarity, freedom, understanding? Don’t be shy. Open yourself fully to your deepest heart’s desire. Speak it. Shout it out. It’s OK to be on fire.

Be

This is about the call of silence. Let yourself be still. Retreat from stimulation and rest. Witness your thoughts, and notice that that which is witnessing is silence itself. Realize that silence is the ultimate creator.

Commit

Total and immediate transformation is extremely rare. Most of us need time to simmer, stew, and even boil. We are captivated by delusion and unconsciousness, so the seeding and nurturing require commitment. You get to decide: How willing are you to commit to nourishing the seed of you?

Have you been gardening lately? Any reactions, stories, insights? I’d love to hear…

Why It’s Valuable to Stay Close to the Bone

close_to_bone “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the last post, we talked about the beauty of an uncluttered mind. And from an uncluttered mind flows the most pleasurable action.

We know when we are doing the right thing. We don’t obsess, doubt, worry, or regret. Actions emanate from a clear mind and finish without adding to our inner turmoil. They are clean. They leave no residue. They are unambiguous, joyful, and efficient.

Sticky Actions

And then there are those actions that stick to us like glue. We have a sinking feeling before we do them, and their shadow stays with us no matter what we do. Like these, for example:

Lying; not telling the whole truth
Gossiping
Criticizing
Manipulating
Addictive or compulsive behaviors

Behaviors such as these are confusing from the get-go. They come from fear, desire, and pressure. We strategize to avoid discomfort, to make ourselves look good, to get what we think we need, to do what we think we should.

They feed inner agitation. They leave us in an endless loop of trying to figure things out and clean up after ourselves. If we tell the truth, we know this is not a satisfying way to be.

Clean Actions

Clean actions arise from clarity and inner knowing. We respond appropriately to what is in front of us. We take in the details of the circumstances we find ourselves in, digest them through the heart, then trust what happens next.

This is how we stay close to the bone. We tune in to what is utterly true for us and have the courage to let it be our guide. We give ourselves permission to:

Say no or say yes,
Express love rather than resentment,
Remember to give thanks,
Do what we enjoy,
Follow our deepest yearnings.

We unlock the shackles that keep us tied up in stressful endeavors, and we let ourselves live freely. We make the space to be efficient and creative.

Clean action happens in the moment as we surrender our personal dramas and allow the truth that appears. We can ask: What is right in this moment? And listen for the answer.

Earlier this week, I had planned to go to a yoga class. When the time came to walk out the door, I knew that I was pushing through the truth to follow my plan. I stopped at this decision point allowing the dilemma, then chose to stay home.

A mundane example, you might be thinking. On the surface, it is. But the truth appears only in the moment, and the choice we make is only the one in front of us. Even in the bigger decisions in life – to leave a job, to get married or have children – we know when we know.

Staying Quiet

Sometimes the clean action is no action. Rather than propelling ourselves forward or playing out our habits once again, if we really listen, we see that we are being asked to be still and keep quiet. There is so much wisdom in silence. And if it makes us uncomfortable, the discomfort is a gift that needs our loving attention.

Staying close to the bone means being conscious and aware. We are open, receptive, and allowing. We get out of the way and let each action be lived fully. With no trace and no residue, we are available to the next moment – clear, clean, alive.

Do you live close to the bone? What actions leave a residue that you want to pay more attention to? I’d love to hear…

A Simple Guide to Decluttering Your Mind

meditationsunset
“The single clenched fist lifted and ready, or the open hand held out and waiting.
Choose: For we meet by one or the other.”
~Carl Sandburg

There’s a lot of talk in the blogosphere about simplifying our lives. I love when things are simple. I recently saw “The Social Network,” and what struck me was the portrayal of lives filled to the brim with complexity.

It got me thinking about clutter – the internal kind. The worries, should’s, buried emotions, and repetitive stories that populate our minds and keep us caught in unhealthy patterns. Clutter is defined as “a disorderly heap” or “confused noise.” I don’t know about you, but I am aware of some clutter I could stand to lose.

A Decluttered Mind

The goal of reducing clutter is to eliminate the non-essentials and keep only what is needed. If you are cleaning out your closet, this means deciding which pile each thing belongs in. But when it comes to the contents of your mind, the choice is where you place your attention. What do you want to feed with your most precious resource – your attention?

Just imagine, for a moment, an uncluttered mind. Feel your way into it. It is still and pristine like a mountain lake on a windless day. Even if a ripple appears, the tranquility remains, undisturbed. Your actions are clean and efficient. In the spaciousness, you notice creative impulses, novel ideas, and boundless peace. You feel light, calm, and alive.

Inquiry for Thoughts and Feelings

Are you ready to declutter your mind? Experts suggest asking a series of questions to decide what to keep and what to let go of. Take each thought pattern, each emotion, any internal experience that holds you back and pose these questions:

Do I need this? Is it essential or necessary?
Does it serve me? Is it helpful or useful?
Am I attached to it? Can I let it go?

The Process of Letting Go

Let’s be clear about what “let it go” means. It’s not exactly like throwing away those shoes you haven’t worn for five years – or is it?

Letting go might mean choosing to move your attention away from a non-essential thought or feeling every time it arises. Or, the process of asking these questions might automatically dispel a long-treasured, old, boring story.

I spent years holding resentments against my parents. One day, I realized that the one who was hurt most by them was me. It was an amazing revelation, and in that moment, the resentments were gone. For good. Almost miraculously, my relationship with my parents began to improve.

And sometimes the letting go is more of a process that happens over time.

Start by asking yourself the three questions, and see what you discover. Maybe you will be ready to let go of a mindset that doesn’t serve you. Or simply asking the questions may help the patterns loosen their grip.

As I was writing this post, I detected a subtle urge to cling to some non-essential thoughts and feelings I noticed. Was I ready to let them go? Did they comfort me in some way? I met the tendency to hold on with the sweetest acceptance, and everything melted once again.

Decluttering is not an order, or even a goal. With great wisdom and love, simply notice, inquire, receive, then watch what happens…effortlessly.

What is cluttering up your mind? Is it serving you? Is it time to let go? I’d love to hear…

Still wanting more? Click to learn about one-on-one sessions with me for personalized, insightful help.

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To Change or Not To Change? That Is the Question

actor No, I’m not channeling Shakespeare, but I imagine I’m not alone in wondering what to do with difficult thoughts and feelings that recur in our lives over and over. Maybe you are limiting yourself by a story about the past, yet you keep repeating it in your mind. Or, even though you long to express love and compassion in the world, you find yourself judging others. Perhaps your emotions get the better of you when you thought you had already untangled that mess.

We know so clearly that we want to be happy, peaceful, and kind, yet these unsavory thoughts and feelings keep arriving. We desperately want to improve, yet our efforts to eliminate these trouble spots continually fail. Are we stuck forever in this endless loop of trying to fix ourselves?

Here is the good news: there is a way out of this frustrating cycle. And it starts by understanding what we can and cannot change.

What We Cannot Change

Some years ago, my happiest times were setting out on a mountain trail with a backpack on my back. It took only a few minutes until my whole body would relax, and I became part of the natural world. I loved that I couldn’t control what came my way: an unexpected summer snowstorm, a hungry skunk helping himself to our food, a delay that required hiking until late at night.

The lesson I learned? Intelligently go with the flow. My job was not to change what was unchangeable, but to accept, receive, work with, navigate.

“We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.”

~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Just as I couldn’t wish that snowstorm away, we can’t eliminate thoughts and feelings. And this bears repeating: We don’t have the power to control the thoughts and feelings that arise in us. A judgment, a grudge, a wave of jealousy or anger – we can’t stop any of it from happening. But we can learn to accept, receive, work with, navigate.

The trouble with these challenging thoughts and feelings is not that they arise, but that we react to them. We judge ourselves for judging. We expect ourselves to be perfect, then slam ourselves when we aren’t. We say, “Oh, not that feeling again.” Then we judge ourselves for even these reactions. We may wish to change, but all of this resistance keeps the patterns firmly in place.

There has to be another way.

What if… a judgment appears in your mind, and you say, “Oh, this,” and breathe into the pain you feel. That mean-spirited story about your co-worker starts spinning in your mind, and you feel compassion for yourself and for her. Your simmering anger starts to boil, and you feel the intensity without saying or doing anything.

You stop blaming yourself for thoughts and feelings that you cannot control, and you let them be.

Meet Yourself as You Are

The goal is not to eliminate your reactions – because this is impossible. Rather, recognize them, relax with them, pause, breathe, and then the most appropriate response is revealed. It’s so simple and such a relief. You stop fighting with yourself and instead notice your present experience. You intelligently go with the flow. And when you do, here’s what happens:

You are more at ease with things as they are.
Your attention is on your actual experience, so the mind chatter loses its power.
You are patient with yourself.
You feel compassion for yourself and others.
You give yourself permission to be as you are.
You stop blaming yourself for not changing.

Then do you change, or not? Wisdom will show you the way. Maybe change emerges organically as you realize that unrecognized pain is at the core of these ways of being you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you cease giving judging thoughts any weight because they don’t express your true heart. Maybe you discover that loving the tender places in you allows the feelings to ebb.

Be as you are, and all is at peace.

What are your thoughts about change? Have you succeeded at changing? Are you harsh with yourself because you can’t change? I’d love to hear…