Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Get to Know the Voice of Fear – Your Life Depends on It

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

~Thornton Wilder

In the last post, we talked about befriending fear. The comments were so heartfelt and the emails I received so amazing as people testified to the transformation that is possible when you make fear your friend.

See for yourself in these moving words from Tameka:

“Without becoming friends with my fear, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, in a little cafe in Vientiane, Laos. I wouldn’t have left everything I knew- all my creature comforts, my life as I knew it- and traveled alone as a 23 year old, throughout the whole of Cambodia, Thailand, and now Laos, despite the fears of my family and friends. I wouldn’t be floating and fluttering around this beautiful universe, too afraid to live my own life, for fear of leaving those who need me.”

How do we go from barely living a life limited by fear to one that expresses our unique gifts and longings? How do we inhabit our lives fully? We let fear come along for the ride. We don’t use it as an excuse or justification. As Justin commented, we accept it and move on with our plans.

Recognize the Voice of Fear

If your intention is to not be deterred by fear, you need to know it intimately. You need to study it so you recognize when it is tapping you on the shoulder and asking for attention. Its voice can be subtle, so learn how it speaks.  Here are some examples:

  • I can’t disappoint my family.
  • I might fail.
  • I doubt if I can do it.
  • I might get overwhelmed.
  • I will have to work too hard.
  • I will be outside my comfort zone.
  • What if it gets difficult.
  • I don’t know how to start.

I could go on and on. Do you see the commonalities? I can’t…what if…I doubt…I don’t. These are all signs that fear is in charge. They are thought patterns that assume the negative and question the movement of your heart’s deepest desires.

In fact, these limiting thoughts arise just after a moment of clarity when something you are passionate about comes to light. Trace each one back to its origin, and you will find what makes your heart sing.

Let Your Heart Sing

Fear is a natural part of the human experience. Its goal is protection and survival. But when we feel the call to step out into the unknown to experiment, create, and manifest our own unique song, we need to learn to navigate with fear. We acknowledge it, study it, then make a reasoned and intentional choice.

Which is just what some of the members of our community here at A Flourishing Life have shared.

Emma of Graceful Balance writes,

“I try to personify fear and instead of seeing it as a scary monster I see it as a little girl just wanting to be noticed. Somehow this view of it allows me to have compassion for the fear, to see it as outside of myself, and to acknowledge it while not being sucked into it.”

And Tameka says,

“Seeing it for what it is, recognising when it does have real merit and pushing through gently, as to not hurt its feelings. It is a part of us, after all!”

How to befriend fear? Treat it with kindness. Don’t push it away. Say, “Yes, you too,” with compassion,  then step outside it and move forward from clarity.  This is the end of violence and separation, and the beginning of life.

I’ll leave you with the words of Rumi, the Sufi mystic, from a poem called, “The Guest House.”

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Can you welcome fear in? Can you treat it honorably? I’d love to hear…

Note: As you know, I’ve been traveling, so I’ll be taking a week off from writing.  I’ll have a fresh post, ready to go, in a couple of weeks.

Love to you,

Gail

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Please Don’t Let Fear Limit You

“We can either watch life from the sidelines, or actively participate…Either we let self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy prevent us from realizing our potential, or embrace the fact that when we turn our attention away from ourselves, our potential is limitless.”
Christopher Reeve

I had an epiphany the other day. For months, I have been planning a trip – traveling alone for three weeks in France. Two days before I left, I noticed fear…panic…doubt. What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

And then the light turned on. Would I give up this trip because of fear? Would I stay home and play it safe? Would I deny the “Yes!” that has pervaded my plans every step of the way? Never.

This is why it is essential to make fear your friend. If you live in the fantasy that life will start once you are no longer afraid, you will be playing the waiting game forever. The antidote? Get real.

I know you might be glazing over by now, thinking this is just another self-help post telling you to beat your fear. It isn’t. I don’t want you to beat your fear. But I do offer an invitation to turn toward it and see it clearly. I invite you to drop your veils and defenses and get serious about what you actually experience and what you want. I invite you to stop running and let yourself live into the fullness of you.

When you avoid fear, you let it rule. Unexamined fear takes root, paralyzing you and keeping you small. You miss opportunities and turn away from your true path.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that if you learn to walk with fear in the moments of your life that you create the space to express yourself without limit. As a popular book says, you feel the fear and do it anyway. So don’t simply read these words. Take them on, reflect on them, and don’t let fear deter you any longer. The whole world is waiting for you.

No Goal

Deeply understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Ever. Fear may go away for a time, but don’t be put off if it returns. See it as an opportunity every time. Repeat the sacred mantra of acceptance, “Oh, this,” then move forward including, rather than excluding, fear.

Stop Fighting

Take the attitude of working with fear rather than fighting against it. Think of an aikido master who accesses power by moving with the energy of his opponent. Your power comes from putting down the fight and allowing fear to be present.

End of Story

Know that repeating a story of fear strengthens the feeling. Notice your internal self-talk. If it is telling scary stories about the future, fear is the culprit. Bring your attention directly into the feeling instead. Repeating fear-based stories simply doesn’t serve.

Knowledge Is King

Get to know fear intimately in every moment in which it arises. Become familiar with what triggers it, notice it, see how it moves in your body, tune into how it affects your thoughts and behavior. Be an expert in fear so it stops dominating you.

Choose Wisely

Once you have the lay of the land, make a choice. You know fear is present. You recognize that it tells you to put on the brakes or not move forward. It persistently taps you on the shoulder, saying, “I can’t,” “I shouldn’t,” “I better not.” It makes you doubt yourself endlessly. Now, here is where the rubber meets the road. Are you man or mouse? What do you really want this life to be about?

I imagine I will have the opportunity to work with fear in the next few weeks. My French will fail me, I’ll get lost, I’ll hesitate walking into a restaurant alone. But I stand in the truth with fear as my companion, whenever it happens to arise.

And this I know for sure: the only problem is that which is created by thinking. I can think myself into fear and distress, or I can relax and enjoy. Guess which one I choose. And you?

Have you made fear your friend? What has been the effect? I’d love to hear…

Know That You Are Whole

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”
~Eckhart Tolle

“I feel so damaged.”

These were the words I heard recently from a friend, and it broke my heart. She had just become aware of a pattern in many of her relationships that has caused decades of struggling. She saw how it originated in her childhood, and she felt hopeless that it could ever change.

I didn’t say it, but secretly I was happy – because becoming aware of an old pattern is the first giant step toward being free of it.

The Myth of Damage

Who among us has not felt damaged? If we commit to authenticity in our lives, to not leaving one stone unturned, we will eventually come across these overlooked places in ourselves. We discover pockets of conditioning that make us feel needy or have led us to act in ways that are less than admirable. We may have even hurt others or ourselves. It’s easy to feel flawed.

But there is a misunderstanding in identifying ourselves as damaged. Because here is the truth: You did not come into the world damaged. Your original source, who you are, is whole, fulfilled, creative, completely at peace, loved and loving.

If you feel damaged, you have forgotten the truth of the matter. Unbeknownst to you, a layer of false identity has been shielding you from yourself. You are absorbed in a learned behavioral habit that, at one time, you needed for your survival.

Now is the time to remember who you are.

Unwinding the Habit

We are born innocent, filled with so much potential, virtually free of psychological scars. Then life brings us challenges. Our needs are not adequately met. Our feelings are rejected or minimized. We may have been criticized, pressured, demeaned, or even abused.

We don’t have the skills and support to manage our emotional reactions, so our feelings go underground, out of conscious awareness. We develop belief systems and strategies to make our way in the world. And we take on identities – as unworthy, entitled, bitter, or afraid.

My friend Melanie grew up with a single mother who gave her the silent treatment for days whenever she made the slightest infraction. Can you imagine what this would do to a little girl? She lived in fear of making mistakes, and her whole focus was on the fruitless task of pleasing her mother. Even now, decades later, she catches herself expecting to be rejected by friends and co-workers if she speaks her mind.

Faced with these untenable situations, our original face, our essence or true nature, gets covered over, obscured by whirling thoughts and desperate behaviors trying to make sense of the confusion. And these tendencies are very deeply ingrained because we become masters of them so early on in life.

Imagine walking back and forth on the same 5-foot stretch of ground day after day, year after year. The groove becomes a ditch which becomes a chasm. We can’t fathom that another way is possible. No wonder we call ourselves damaged.

But you are not damaged (so you can stop telling yourself that you are). Take away what you have learned from your experiences, and what is revealed is the unconditioned you. You are whole, clear, undisturbed, open.

Doing the Work

Working with these habits that have become your foundation takes patience, perseverance, and love. See if you can make these habits an ally rather than an enemy. Let them walk with you, if they need to, but don’t let them rule your life. They may not disappear, but you will see the potential in each moment to make a new and different choice.

  • Study the pattern so you can recognize it easily.
  • See how it served you at some point in your life – but no longer.
  • Be willing to let it soften. You are saying, “Yes!” to life.
  • Prepare yourself to feel and act differently.
  • Try out a new response or behavior.

On the road to reclaiming yourself, you will forget and lose your way, and this is not a problem. Keep at it, and eventually there will be chinks in the armor. You will notice space and flexibility where before was contraction and habit.

Are you damaged? Impossible. Consider that you are whole. Discover that love is closer than close. Restore yourself to your natural state, and you will see that damage is a figment of your imagination.

Do you recognize yourself as whole? Can you see that the ways you have learned to protect yourself are not who you are? I’d love to hear…

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Happiness Alert: You Need to Pay Attention

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
~Confucius

There is one simple, revolutionary, foolproof principle you need to know if you want to be happy. In fact, I suspect you know it already. And here it is: What you feed with your attention is what will grow.

You hold the key to the golden door behind which your happiness lies. You can be relaxed, peaceful, present, and free. Really. How? Pay attention to what you are paying attention to.

Be Aware of What You Are Doing

Here is how it works. Say you worry or you are resentful or you complain and criticize. If these are the experiences you are interested in, if these are what you are feeding with your attention, what will be the effect on your reality? You won’t be happy. You are preoccupied with experiences that bring displeasure and malcontent. And this will be your experience.

You don’t have to try to be happy. Simply refuse to feed what doesn’t serve you. Stop fueling negativity, and you are making the space to feel happier and more peaceful. If you don’t pay attention to troubling thoughts and feelings, happiness will be revealed effortlessly. But don’t take my word for it. Try it out so you will know for yourself.

See? All you need to do is recognize what you are interested in. Then let go of what is interfering with your happiness. As an experiment, monitor your attention for a day or two to identify where your attention is actually going.

  • What do you spend your time thinking about?
  • Are you stuck in stories about the past and worries about the future?
  • What feelings are going unexamined?
  • What do you do to avoid being conscious of your thoughts and feelings?
  • Are you sustaining thoughts of can’t, should, or shouldn’t?

Answer these questions, and you will know what you are paying attention to. Your unhappiness will no longer be a mystery. Now, make the choice to move your attention away from this downhill trend, step out from under the dark cloud, and you will discover that happiness has been here all along.

Transformation is Possible

A friend recently revealed that he used to be argumentative. He held strong opinions about politics, and was prepared to angrily assert his point of view at the drop of a hat, which he did often. Somehow he realized that he was fueling inner agitation, and he didn’t like how he felt. So he stopped – just like that. “I didn’t want to be in turmoil,” he told me.

Another friend saw the beginning of an old pattern and didn’t step into it. “I knew it was finished, so I looked for other options,” she said. She was successful in choosing just the right course of action and was ecstatic to see that real change is possible.

It’s really this easy. If you don’t like what you are doing, if you don’t like how it is making you feel, then stop. Don’t feed negativity, as all it breeds is more negativity.

Let Troubling Habits Go

I’m not suggesting that you think happy thoughts because happiness is so much greater than our thoughts. I’m not suggesting that you avoid the reality of your experience. Consider that your attention is like food and nourish only that which supports you.

Right now, in this moment, what can you stop feeding – judgment, bitterness, stress, conflict? Let yourself step off the hamster wheel of your habitual patterns. Recognize that you can relax. You can be bright and open to the joy of the moment.

Find out how you get in your own way, then choose peace. Choose love. Choose to be alive rather than dull and flat and separated from life.

Pay attention to what supports you, and get ready to be transformed.

Is negative thinking ingrained in you (like it was in me)? Can you shift your attention? I’d love to hear…

12 Smart Choices That Will Light You Up

“You cannot teach a man anything, you can only help him find it within himself.”
~Galileo Galilei

Do you know someone who shines? Whenever you see them, they exude an inner glow and seem to be effortlessly happy. They are grounded and clear. Maybe that someone is you?

We can’t help but be our essential selves – it is who we are. But sometimes our light gets dimmed. We fall asleep in our lives as well-worn habits take over, and we live in a half-alive fog that makes us wonder, “Is this all there is?”

There is no magic to clearing away the fog. It is not a mysterious process or a set of teachings designed only for the chosen few.

It is possible for you to be happy and peaceful. You can be content and fulfilled. You can express your unique creative self in the world. And you can approach each moment of your life with an open, loving heart.

You know those people whose lights shine brightly? Whether they realize it or not, they consistently make smart choices. You can illuminate your essence – it is more within your reach than you may ever know. Incorporate these choices in your life, and you just might notice ease, clarity, lightness, and undeniable happiness that spreads everywhere.

1. Be grateful

People who are connected with their essence live in gratitude. They don’t believe they deserve what they have, so they are free to appreciate everything that is offered to them.

If you want to be more grateful, investigate your attachments so you aren’t ruled by lack and desire. Notice how life is so generous – giving us exactly what we need. Don’t take one single thing for granted, and before you know it, gratitude will flow from you like honey.

2. Learn to pause

When you feel a reaction brewing, when you have been triggered, as soon as you become aware of it, stop. Press pause. Wake up to your experience in the moment, then move forward with your eyes open.

3. Befriend the unknown

See clearly that each moment is birthed from the source so we can’t know what is going to happen. Sure, we create expectations, and this is natural. But in truth, things simply unfold in ways that are out of our control.

A year ago, a lovely friend lost her husband to pneumonia. She told me that his sickness lasted only a month. “I thought I would have him for 10 more years,” she lamented.

Let yourself befriend the unknown so you are more aligned with the truth of how things are. Face your fears of not having control, and live happily in the moment. Remember the ones who shine? They constantly surrender their ideas of what their lives should look like and receive things as they come.

4. Take responsibility for yourself

Blaming others, feeling like a victim, or walking around with your head in the clouds only perpetuates your suffering. Instead, look inward, as the only way to discover true happiness is to recognize how you get in your own way.

A commenter on a recent post got this message and is benefiting from her insight. She writes, “Reading your blog has made me realize that I am stuck in some pattern here. This is not about him, this is about me.”

Just those words open the doorway to peace. Bite the bullet, be honest with yourself, and you will clear the way for your light to shine.

5. Learn and practice self-compassion

There are many aspects to being kind to yourself. You can slow down, spend time in silence, and do things you enjoy. But at the deepest level, self-compassion means receiving every feeling, physical sensation, and thought pattern without needing it to change or disappear.

We do violence to ourselves when we reject what naturally arises. And we do this often by behaving compulsively, filling our schedules, and spinning in our busy minds. If you want your essence to shine (and who doesn’t?), stop, bring your attention inward, and lovingly let things be as they are. This is the highest form of self-compassion I know.

6. March to your own drummer

People who are connected with their essence are not concerned about what others think of them. They do not seek approval. They become experts at listening to their inner wisdom and letting themselves be guided from within.

Holding yourself hostage to the opinions of others is guaranteed to suppress your light. Fully meet your fears of being rejected, abandoned, or disliked. Then make the smart choice to stay on your unique path.

7. Focus on what is good, positive, and functional

When we are driven by fear and need, it is easy to get lost in worrisome and negative thoughts and forget about what is working. Believe me, I know. I am a master at this way of living, as it was so ingrained in me to be pessimistic.

But if you step out of that pattern, you will see the good in others and yourself. You will notice what is working rather than focusing only on problems. You will see that you don’t have to apply a negative view to people and situations.

Approach the moments of your life with optimism and possibility. You will turn up the dial on your inner light.

8. Consciously recognize when you feel joy, delight, and pleasure

Evidence of our inner essence is abundant, if we notice.

Our hearts are moved by the sweetness of a child. We have a moment of connection as the barista hands us our coffee. We feel at peace in nature. We know the abandon of laughing until tears roll or being so dissolved into an activity that time seems to stop. Our hearts break when we see others suffering. We feel so much love for friends, family, or pets.

In these moments, the fog has parted, and our essence shines. Notice these occurrences – not the story of what is going on, but the state of your inner experience. Feel it deeply. Your essence may be illuminated more than you think.

9. Be silent

Meditate. Stop talking and ruminating. Refrain from filling up every moment of your life. Give your essence the space it needs to shine.

10. Forgive

Nothing dims your light more than holding a grudge. If you live in resentment for things that have happened in the past, figure out how to let them go. Our inner light shines brightly when our attention is absorbed in the now. Do the work so you can release yourself from the past, and you will naturally glow.

11. Question your beliefs

Beliefs can make us feel separate from others and the world. They are like a house with many walls, creating division and alienation. Consider that the beliefs you hold may not be serving you, and may not even be true. See what happens as they fall away and you open yourself completely to things just as they are.

12. Know that everything arises from one source

When you look in the eyes of a seeming “other,” you are seeing yourself – the same source from which you emerge. It looks like the world consists of separate people and objects, but when you investigate to their essence, there is only one – purity, awareness, love.

This understanding softens our way of being in the world. You can’t help but tread lightly and lead with your heart. Do you want to illuminate your essence? Know that you are reflected everywhere.

What needs to happen for your light to shine even brighter? I’d love to hear…

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