Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Why You Need to Be a Very Good Student

“Man can learn nothing except by going from the known to the unknown.”
~Claude Bernard

What are you looking for? Do you want to make a change…discover how to stop suffering…realize the essence of your true self? There are so many beautiful teachings available – more than you will ever need. But what is most imperative is this: you must be a very good student.

How to Learn

You can hear or read the most clear and articulate teaching, but if it falls on deaf ears or drops into a mind that is closed like a bank vault, then things will stay exactly as they are. If you are lost in seeking, if you keep trying to find answers, you need to reflect on what you are bringing to the table as a student.

As you know, the momentum of conditioned habits is very strong. They infiltrate your body and mind and squelch your spirit. Unraveling them takes great resolve and commitment. You need to be very aware so you can see how they begin to take hold. And you need to stay open so you can receive the teachings you need in the deepest part of your being.

There was a moment in my own journey when this lesson landed. I had been hearing the same words over and over, retreat after retreat. Finally, in a stroke of grace, the clouds covering my mind parted, and the light poured in. I realized that my task was to take what was being spoken and apply it in my moment-to-moment experience.

It was the end of spoon-feeding, which doesn’t work anyway, and the beginning of true transformation.

Embody These Qualities

It is so easy for our brains to get congealed. We become so attuned to the familiar that the new seems inconceivable. But here is the truth: you have the capacity to know the peace you long for.

Are you waiting for your life to begin? Are you seeking but not finding? Then maybe you can be a better student by tapping into these essential qualities.

Openness

Let every aspect of your being be open. Open your eyes, your ears, your pores and cells and heart, your brain and mind. It might feel strange at first, like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz who is just getting oiled. But just this degree of openness may be enough.

Willingness

Be willing to go into the most feared places within yourself. Be willing to try something new, go out of your comfort zone, challenge your thoughts and beliefs about the world. Absorb the teachings you need, then apply them diligently to your own experience.

Enthusiasm

Enthusiasm comes from the Greek meaning, “possessed by the gods.” Let yourself be possessed by your quest for wholeness and freedom. Be willing to go out on a limb, to do things that don’t make sense, to let your journey unfold through you.

Curiosity

Be acutely interested in your in-the-moment experience. Be curious about how your reactions work. Shine your laser-like attention into the heart of your habits.

Trust

Teachers come in all shapes and sizes, but the ultimate teacher is life itself. Your teacher may be your child or an illness or loss. Trust that you are getting exactly what you need for freedom. And if you follow a person who is teaching, choose wisely, then trust completely.

Humility

Forget what you already know that isn’t serving you, and adopt an attitude of, “I don’t know.” Recognize that your mind tries to solve problems it can’t begin to know the answer to. Empty yourself of what you think you know, then let something new come forth, fresh in the moment.

Dedication

Stay with it. The journey to wholeness and healing can bring you all kinds of challenges. Remain connected with your true heart’s desire. Keep the fire burning.

Self-kindness

Habits run deep, so treat yourself with tough love. Be unceasingly attentive, and unendingly kind. Relax and breathe. Not resisting anything is the most loving thing you could ever do.

If there is something you know you need to learn, be like a sponge. Absorb the teachings and let them filter in completely. Then, as if you are reborn, emerge – fresh, alive, and whole.

How are you doing as a student? How can you incorporate what you learn into your daily experience? I’d love to hear…

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Relationships Are for Your Awakening

“I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom.”
~Simone de Beauvoir

I have come across a treasure trove of useful articles about relationship recently. If you are interested in deepening in your exploration of relationship, any of them, then be sure to take a look.

You can glean just as much from these posts if you are single as if you have a partner. Because, as you will see, the ultimate relationship skill is to know your own triggers and learn to intelligently deal with them. And who can’t benefit from that?

The Necessity of Taking Responsibility

Pay close attention to what you bring to any interaction.

  • Are you ready for a fight?
  • Are you waiting for the other to satisfy your every need?
  • Do you show up bored, half-present (which is not present at all), already thinking you know how the conversation will go?
  • Do you try to help, save, and fix while sacrificing your own needs and desires?

None of this is about the other person. Holding up the mirror and seeing that the responsibility is yours paves the way for inner peace and outer harmony. You investigate how you get caught so you can be open, transparent, and available to intimacy.

A Common Story

I know whereof I speak when it comes to struggle in the area of relationships. Even friendship didn’t come naturally to me, let alone a healthy connection with a romantic partner.

Then I realized the futility of waiting for Prince Charming to show up at my door. That’s when I got down to business and began to meet my fears and emotional reactions with unflagging honesty.

I saw how I had not been the easiest person to get along with. I pulled out of need and pushed out of fear. No wonder there was so much drama.

Now my policy is this: I notice when I am triggered, then meet my expectations and emotions with curiosity and love. Ninety percent of the time, the trouble miraculously dissolves. No need for “the talk,” which is most often leaking our own unfinished business into the relationship. No more short-circuiting intimacy in the name of communication.

And, although I don’t think this has everything to do with it, I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world (an unbiased view).

Relationship Is Opportunity

If you are single, use this time well. Read carefully: become the one who the one you are looking for will clamor to be with. Recognize the story of lack and realize there is nothing lacking when you tap into the fullness of you. This is a win-win situation. You get to be happy, no matter what.

And if you are with a partner, look first within. Clear yourself out. Make a lifestyle of not looking outside yourself, even to the one right next to you, for your emotional rescue.

Maybe you will be surprised, as I was, at how easy it is to love – in a healthy, sane, and sustainable way – when you come from a heart that is already overflowing. Take care of your own business, and you can love without attachment, honor and cherish while holding nothing back.

Where do you get stuck when it comes to relationships?  What is your hook that needs your kind attention? I’d love to hear…

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Stuck in a Rut? Start Asking Questions

Note: Does fear hold you back?  Please join me for my first-ever conference call on “Moving Through Fear with Grace.”  You will hear exactly what you need to know to be released from the trap of fear.  I look forward to speaking with you!

“Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

As we all know, it doesn’t take much to get stuck. Before we know it, we are barreling along on automatic, going down a road that doesn’t support our happiness and well being. Sound familiar?

Some of these tendencies we perpetuate are so strong, that we may not even know what to do to find our way out. We are lost in tunnel vision, with seemingly no choices for freeing ourselves.

A friend of mine gets caught in trying to be perfect. When he needs to make a decision, he researches the options endlessly, staying on the fence for a very long time (up to a year!).

Some of us are stuck in seeking approval and validation or avoiding life due to fear. And others might be immobilized by a grudge, an addiction, or a victim story of, “Why me?”

Why Ask Questions

Whatever is your special brand of suffering, here is the truth: There is always a way out. Not sure how to begin? Simply ask questions.

Asking questions is like a healing balm for unhappiness. And it’s easy. You don’t need to know the answer – you only need to learn to ask intelligent questions. Begin to ask questions, and you will:

  • Discover useful information about what you are thinking, feeling, and doing.
  • Embark on a path that offers the freedom to make appropriate choices for yourself.
  • Stop the loop of unsatisfying or self-defeating patterns.

The How-To

How to do it? Simple. Take any habit at all that you recycle in your life, any way you spin your wheels, and ask yourself any of these questions.  Take them slowly, one at a time, and let them sink in.

  • What am I actually doing?
  • Is this supporting my well being?
  • Is this serving me and everyone else?
  • How is this pattern bringing trouble to my life?
  • What do I really want? Is this what I want?
  • How can I be more aligned with what I want?
  • What is my heart saying? How is it directing me?
  • How can I be kind to myself?
  • How can I bring ease to my life in this very moment?

It is not an exaggeration to say that asking these questions can be transformative. When you stop to inquire about what is actually going on in the moment, the raw truth is revealed. You may not like what you see, but seeing things clearly opens up the possibility to make a new, healthier, more life-supporting choice.

Say that what holds you back is self-critical thinking. Without you even realizing it, court is in session, and judge and jury are hard at work – in your mind. At some point, you will recognize what is happening. And this is the time to start asking questions.

“What am I doing?” “Is this supporting me?” “What is my heart saying?” “Can I be kind to myself?”

The Wonder of It All

Any tendency that brings you unhappiness is not aligned with your true desires. This disconnection needs to be identified, brought to the surface, and seen in the light of day – and asking questions will allow this to happen. Only then can you turn toward the peace and ease you long for.

I have to say, I’m amazed at the power of synchronicity. Just as I was completing this post, what shows up in my inbox, but a link to an article by poet David Whyte called “10 Questions That Have No Right to Go Away.”  Immensely revealing.

Interested in truth, authenticity, and heart-fueled living? Start asking questions.

What do you discover when you ask yourself the essential questions? I’d love to hear…

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Stop…Be Still

“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”
~Chang Tzu

It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized how much I was moving away from life. It had been happening for years until I finally saw that pulling away in fear was my first response to people, situations, new possibilities.

Once I saw this tendency in the light of day, the jig was up. I learned to stop moving away and wholeheartedly embrace things as they are. It was a happy revolution in my whole way of being.

We tend to move in three ways: toward, away, or against. Which is your style? See how you move, and you will discover the joys of not moving. For when you take your stand in the here-and-now, life becomes available to you – intimate, rich, and full.

Moving Toward

Moving toward is based on need and lack. If this is your style, you grasp at people and things to fill you up and give you what you think you are missing. This tendency is learned at a very young age. You convince yourself that you are not enough.

Yet the truth is that who you are is whole, full, and overflowing. Can you not move and see that there is nothing lacking?

Moving toward looks like this:

  • Seeking approval from others
  • Great concern about the image you present in the world
  • Sacrificing yourself for others, then feeling resentful
  • Perceiving yourself as lacking and flawed
  • Difficulty walking away from relationships that aren’t working
  • Attachment to your personal dramas
  • Grasping money, people, objects
  • Feeling that you are special and avoiding your ordinariness

When you notice these tendencies, stop. With great compassion, let the feelings and urges arise, but don’t act on them. Relax back into yourself, and realize that life is complete, just as it is, in this very moment.

Moving Away

Moving away is all about fear and avoidance. In response to just about everything, there is tightening in the body, contraction in the breath, and a physical pulling away from whatever is present in the moment. Threat is seen everywhere.

Moving away is built on a perceived lack of safety and security. What are you really afraid of, anyway? Can you consider trusting that you are OK, that you can engage with life that is unfolding right now?

Moving away looks like this:

  • Paralyzing doubt and indecision
  • A surface bravado that avoids the experience of fear
  • Nonstop thinking
  • Avoiding people and situations
  • Trepidation in the face of anything new
  • Fear of committing to anything
  • A tendency toward paranoid thinking
  • Excessive worry
  • Holding yourself back

Moving away has strong physical and mental elements. Learn how to relax your body and breathe deeply. Experiment with not running your life by all the thoughts that appear in your mind. Put the thoughts aside (they aren’t helping you), and stay here, present. Open yourself fully to the wonder of now.

Moving Against

Anger, frustration, entitlement. Some of us live with our figurative fists flying in every direction. We show up ready for a struggle, while missing out on what is here when we let our guard down.

Moving against is a defensive posture that avoids vulnerability. What if you allowed yourself to open tenderly to the reality of now?

Moving against looks like this:

  • Tendency toward anger and resistance to people, situations, the world
  • Rebelliousness
  • A sense of entitlement – things should be the way you want them to be
  • Judgment – either outward toward others or inward toward yourself
  • Stuffing anger by eating, sleeping, and avoiding conflict at all costs
  • Desire for power and control
  • Championing the underdog

It takes so much effort to face the world primed for a fight. Really, there’s nothing to protect. Let the anger subside, and be open, soft, and receptive. Relax into life unfolding.

The strategies of moving toward, away, and against sap your energy. They all require you to be vigilant and defensive. The alternative? Stop…be still.

How do you move? What would it be like to stop? I’d love to hear…

Fearful? Get to Know the Unknown

“Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.”
~Alan Cohen

Anyone who experiences fear knows about fearful thoughts. Without exception, these thoughts project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do – or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of all the negative scenarios that could happen.

And the effect? Afraid to move, stuck, limiting yourself, playing it safe. And all the while caught in your spinning mind and missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.

These fear-infused thoughts rob you of happiness and well being that are rightfully yours.

The Rational Approach

As humans, we are blessed to have access to a well-developed frontal cortex, which gives us the capability of being thoughtful and rational. In contrast, fear comes from the limbic system, a more primitive, animalistic part of the brain that drives basic survival.

The intelligent investigation of fearful thoughts invites us to fire up the cortex and subject them to rational analysis.

Now is the time to bring these thoughts out of the shadows. Why wait one moment longer? When they float through your mind without your full attention, they exert their power and control over you.

But with a logical laser focus, you can see through the lies and distortions they make you believe. And, by doing so, you enter into the realm of truth and sanity.

The Truth of the Unknown

At the foundation of every fear-filled thought is a desire to know what cannot be known. This desire manifests as an imagined negative, scary outcome.

  • I won’t find a job.
  • I’ll always be alone.
  • I’m afraid I’ll be rejected.
  • What if I fail.

Each of these common thoughts makes an assumption about the future.

And here is the logical truth: you cannot know anything until it actually happens. You have two choices: you either know or you don’t know. You absolutely know something to be true once it has already occurred. And if something hasn’t yet occurred, you don’t know what the outcome will be.

Fearful thoughts guess or assume the worst with no logical evidence. When you take these assumptions to be true, you end up paralyzed and miserable.

“I Don’t Know” Revealed

Part of being free of the effects of fear means shifting from emotion to logic, using all of the brain’s capabilities. Logic shows you the distortions in these fearful thoughts that sap your energy and slam the door shut on your potential.

What you do find is one of the most useful truths: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll find a job, or be rejected, or fail.

“I don’t know” opens the door to unlimited possibilities that the fearful mind can’t begin to contemplate.

Seeing the truth of the unknown is like a healing balm for fearful thoughts. And here are the effects:

  • No more wasting energy and time worrying about the future.
  • No more pressure to know what you can’t possibly know.
  • Openness to all possibilities.
  • The end of “should” – what you should know or should be doing.

Living in the reality of the unknown brings our attention clearly into the present. Let go of the imagined future, and you will discover:

  • A focus on doing what needs to be done now
  • Appreciation and gratitude
  • Relaxation
  • Enjoyment
  • Acceptance
  • Wonder

The unknown is the truth, and the truth will set you free. Do you want to be free of the effects of fear? Say “Yes!” to the unknown.

Have you discovered the value of not knowing? Are you struggling with fearful thoughts? I’d love to hear…