Happiness Articles and Blog Posts

Turn Toward Joy

joy “Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”
~Joseph Campbell

It seems all too common to me that we forget to turn toward joy. We tend to focus on what’s wrong, how bad we’re feeling, and the things that other people aren’t doing to meet our expectations—and we forget to turn toward joy.

For some reason, it’s easy to take joy for granted. It’s always here. If you look for it, you will always find a distinctive peace or aliveness at the heart of every moment.

But we miss it.

How We Miss Joy

We’re busy worrying about everything under the sun that we can’t control anyway. And we’re stuck in our heads, thinking about our own troubles, and spending way too much energy trying to solve problems that can’t be solved by thinking about them.

I recently had a heartfelt conversation with someone who told me with great heaviness that she had been suffering a good part of her life. She knows sadness…it’s been a constant companion.

We talked about ways to address the painful feelings and how to be compassionate when things become rocky.

Then it dawned on me—what about joy? The difficulties had become a magnet for her attention and had congealed into a disappointing life story. But there must be joy somewhere.

Then I learned about the joy she experiences seeing her children grow up and the charge she feels when her garden is flourishing.

And we looked at even the times of sadness to see if something else was present. Shedding the story of what happened and the history of neglect, we discovered a freshness right here that isn’t touched by any of that.

It’s in the vibrancy of the breath and the deep sense of being at peace that’s here once the mind stops diverting your attention. It’s the knowing that no matter what events are happening, there’s presence and stillness and an unfathomable sense of acceptance.

How to Turn Toward Joy

I have spent thousands of moments studying my experience. And I’ve found that, without exception, it’s always possible to turn toward joy. I don’t necessarily find it in the situations that occur. It’s not in my memories, because if I experience joy from a memory, I’m experiencing it right now. And I definitely don’t find it in my thoughts.

So where to turn to find joy?

First relax your attention away from any thoughts—and I mean all of them—and focus on the breath as it moves in and out. Already you’ll notice a peaceful shift.
Then relax away from the breath and expand into presence.

There’s a sweetness here that you might not have ever noticed before.

You’re not lost in any stories. You’re not concerned with how you look or worried about things you have to do. Although you may feel energy in your body, it doesn’t hold any significance.

Now you’re primed for joy, the joy that bubbles up naturally, the soft smile of just being. The mind-blowing amazement that anything exists that makes you dissolve into gratitude.

And while you’re at it, don’t just turn toward joy. Turn toward peace…happiness…expansion…tenderness…and appreciation.

The Sacred Choice

You can certainly feed your personal suffering and embellish on the worrisome thoughts that grab your attention. Maybe that is what you are most familiar with.

But you have a choice. And that choice is to turn toward joy. Right now in this moment and every moment.

What do you choose?

Any comments? What happens when you turn toward joy? I’d love to hear…

PS: Please check out downloadable Guided Meditations for Wholeness, Clarity, and Freedom. All 3 volumes are now at a low introductory price for a few more days. I think you’ll find them really helpful!

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From Unworthiness to Freedom: Return to Your Natural State

“Achieving Balance” SarahGoodnough.com

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

Just about every single person I meet with is consumed in shame and self-doubt. It’s a dis-ease that’s rampant in our society today. We feel worthless and inadequate. The language in our minds that we use to describe ourselves is so harsh and disparaging.

And we’ve come to believe that what these thoughts tell us is the truth of who we are.

Right now, reflect on the possibility that these thoughts of brokenness and inadequacy don’t accurately describe you. They’re programmed ways of thinking about yourself, but they’re not an accurate reflection of the truth.

You absolutely did not come into the world believing yourself to be inadequate. You came in innocent, whole, and filled with potential. Thinking you’re unworthy and not good enough is an identity you learned through your interactions with others.

Returning to Your Natural State

So the medicine for this identity is to return to your natural state. This is the state of who you were before the identity took hold. And this state, your essential wholeness, has always been here and available to experience.

Distorted beliefs grab our attention and become our reality. But the invitation here is to untangle from these beliefs by withdrawing your attention from them.

Thoughts such as, “I feel worthless; I’ll never amount to anything,” might be very familiar to you. But what happens when you stop feeding them with your attention? What happens when you stop using them to label yourself?

They’re seen as a pattern of words that are random and meaningless. And amazingly you’re free of their impact!

Nothing to Get Rid Of

Every time you notice that you’re caught in thinking that you’re unworthy or lacking, it’s possible to relax your attention away from the story in your head and open to being here right now.

The story may recur many, many times. But don’t see that as a problem. Your job is not to get rid of these thoughts, but to soften your connection with them. And you do that by withdrawing your attention from them. You stop feeding the hopelessness and despair so you’re not reinforcing this way of being.

So here’s how it works. The thought comes, I’m inadequate, I’m worthless, I messed up again, I’m a failure, there’s something wrong with me. Then you stop, and say, “Wait a minute. This pattern of thinking isn’t serving me. I don’t want to believe this about myself. I don’t want this thought pattern ruling my choices any longer. I don’t want to feel so bad.”

With this fire in your belly to stop the suffering, you withdraw your attention from these thoughts. Let them float away like a cloud or burn in the fire of your intention to be free.

You don’t need these painful beliefs about yourself to function in the world. In fact, you might find you’re a whole lot happier without them. Not that they go away, but you don’t use them to define yourself.

The Simple Truth

These thoughts tell you that you’re broken and need to be fixed. But what you realize when you stop buying into them is that right now, you’re here, present, and okay. You don’t need to be fixed or improved.

You’re no longer stuck in the conversation in your head about how you’re inadequate or what you should or shouldn’t have done. Your attention opens to presence, to relaxation, and to the simple fact that without these thoughts, everything is okay. You are okay.

Now there’s space in this present moment. You release into your natural wholeness, into not knowing. Now, you wonder, “How can I be without these thoughts? What will I do? What will I say?”

These are beautiful questions that arise when you step out of limiting thoughts and into a world of new possibilities.

So right now in this moment, notice that without your attention feeding the thoughts of inadequacy and brokenness, you can’t possibly be inadequate or broken. Self-doubt disappears. You no longer need to strive for attention, approval, and validation.

The only true solution to any problem is to realize that your thoughts are not who you are. Then you’re available to the magnificent, never-ending river of life.

What About You?

How do you handle feeling unworthy and inadequate? How have you found freedom from these thoughts? I’d love to hear…

Note: I’ve received many beautiful emails about my new book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. If it helped you, please consider leaving a review on Amazon to let others know.

So much love…
Gail

Interviews, Private Sessions, and More

“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.”
~Chuang Tzu

Today, I’m sharing with you two recent interviews. The first one is from the site called Buddha at the Gas Pump, which includes hundreds of interviews with people interested in spiritual awakening.

I enjoyed this conversation with the lovely Rick Archer so much and am happy to share it with you. We discuss many useful topics, including the nature of identities that distract us from peace and how seeing through to the truth of language is incredibly freeing. You can watch the video and listen to and download the audio podcast.

The second one is a written interview on Psych Central and discusses my work as a therapist. You’ll read some practical advice about happiness and might even learn some little-known facts about my secret wishes!

And if you’re interested in private sessions with me, please visit this page to find out more. I love these one-on-one meetings with people. They are available by skype and can be very useful for unraveling conditioned patterns that you take to be true and discovering that you can live from your true essence that is already whole, peaceful, and at ease.

Please enjoy! And feel free to leave any questions or comments below or by clicking here.

Always in love,
Gail

The Pain of Closing Down and the Beauty of Opening to What Is

“You must choose between your attachments and happiness.”
~Adyashanti

I used to live in a world of “if only.” If only the right partner would show up or I wouldn’t get caught in traffic or my family life would improve. It was such an arrogant life—and so frustrating!

If only things would be the way I wanted them to be. It was all about me.

Here was life, effortlessly presenting itself, and I was too busy wanting it to be different to receive its gifts.

Yes, I was able to enjoy myself at times, but I was attached to all kinds of outcomes, large and small, and I suffered for it. Every time I wanted something to happen in a certain way, I set myself up for frustration, stress, and disappointment.

I was really tired of the pain, but I just couldn’t figure out a way through it.

Joyfully Opening to What Is

Fast forward to now, and I can’t help but smile. Because the unfolding of life is so beautiful in whatever form it takes, and the joy of opening to what is, as it is, is unspeakable.

Amazingly, peace was always available. I could have stopped glorifying these personal desires at any time if I knew better. But their power was overwhelming, and I never thought to question them.

Do you react to life with a big “No?” Do you want it your way, not the way it actually is? Is Now not good enough? Then you are suffering. I know because I’ve been there.

Why wait one moment longer to find your way out of this mess?

How to do it? With understanding. Understand how your personal desires bring suffering, and wisdom will erode them. Bring clarity to your life experience so you see that opening to things as they are—not as you want them to be—is the only sane and peaceful way to be.

From Closing to Opening

Every want contains within it a seed of resistance to what is. You think the present moment is missing something or not as good as it could be. “If only things were different,” your mind is saying.

But each want also holds the possibility of being free. Let’s consider two ways we close to what is: hoping for a better future and expecting things to be a certain way.

Hope is about wanting a better moment at some other time in the future.

It’s a story created by the mind, filled with thoughts about how your current situation is lacking.

Hope leaves you waiting, not living.

And your experience right now? Unhappy and dissatisfied.

New possibility:

Expand beyond the confining view of hope for a better future, and new possibilities come to light right in this moment.

Can you give your mind a rest from chewing on these stressful thoughts for a moment and breathe with just being present?
Can you say “Yes” to things as they are, even if your mind tells you it doesn’t like them?
Can you become aware of simply being okay?

An expectation desires a specific outcome, not necessarily the one you get.

It breeds anxiety and frustration as your mind zooms in on the one outcome you want. You miss out on an infinite number of other possibilities, and you end up resisting what actually does happen.

New possibility:

Expand beyond wanting one specific thing. Stay present and open to the possibility of all things.

Can you let go of trying to control life?
Can you open in your heart and body rather than being constricted by your thoughts and ideas?
Can you lovingly receive what occurs?

A Real World Example

Letting go of personal desires and opening fully to what is—here’s how it works for me in the real world.

I’m almost always accepting of how life flows, and it’s so lovely to hardly ever react to situations that arise.

But here’s what happened yesterday. I was scheduled for an hour-long interview on a live radio show. I arranged two days of plans so I could be available during this specific hour, which included asking my husband to delay his plans, which he graciously did.

Then two minutes before on-air time, I got the call that the host was canceling the interview because he was ill.

My first reaction? Not compassion for his illness. Instead, I felt anger, fear, and guilt all rolled into one. Then I worked through it.

I made space for the energies showing up in my body.
I calmly talked it over with my husband.
And I saw so clearly the pain of holding expectations.

Refocusing away from my agitated mind, I found peace and presence once again.

And the lessons?

Don’t expect to not get caught. There’s nothing wrong with having an emotional reaction now and then.

And know that you can find your way to peace. With understanding and clear seeing, let the boundaries of your personal self—with its wants and desires—dissolve.

And here you are…pristine…open to life…deeply at ease.

Always in love,
Gail

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Finding Yourself

“While you’ve been busy with your attention captured by feelings and thinking of yourself as separate and limited, you’ve missed the absolute truth: you have always been all that you ever wanted.”

I’m very excited to share with you an excerpt from chapter 1 of my book, The End of Self-Help: Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life.
Love,
Gail

The self-help industry is fundamentally flawed. It perpetuates the myth that we are limited, damaged, inadequate selves who need to be fixed. Sadly, it keeps millions of people just like you hoping for a better future when they will finally be happy and fulfilled.

But what if this inadequate self isn’t who you are? What if it’s possible, at any moment, to be happy and free?

Discovering this possibility is a journey that leads you to the amazing fact that all you seek has always been here. What you discover won’t be new or unfamiliar. You’ve always been who you really are despite your distractions.

You’ve already delighted in the burst of joy that comes out of nowhere, if only for an instant;
You’ve felt the all-consuming feeling of love;
You know the wondrous sense of the unity of all;
You’ve experienced the spark of unexpected creative expression, and
You’ve dissolved into a bout of uncontrollable laughter.

You know in your heart of hearts that you’re bigger than your imagined limits.

Happiness isn’t nearly as elusive as we might think—if we know where to look for it. There’s a current alive in each of us that flows toward contentment, toward resting effortlessly in peace and ease. This current is so strong that every action we take is an attempt to find happiness.

When you seek approval, you’re trying to feel whole and relaxed. If you strive for money or material goods, you’re searching for the moment of ease when you finally fulfill your desire. If you overdo anything, you’re really looking for happiness, peace, and relief from inner turmoil.

You might think you want a relationship or the perfect job or even your mother’s love. But, your real desire is the inner longing to be free of conflict, satisfied and complete, with no sense of something missing.

This is the ease of being you’ve been searching for your whole life. And you absolutely can know it in your own direct experience.

But you won’t discover it in the objects, people, and situations in the world. You won’t even discover it in your own thoughts. These are changeable, unreliable forms you can’t trust to make or keep you happy. If this is where you’re looking, then you probably already know your search will fail.

The good news—the most amazing news—is that the peace you long for is available, here and now, in this very moment…and endlessly. You come to know it when you learn how to stop relying on ideas about how you wish things were—and say “Yes!” to the reality of how things actually are.

The path to realizing the unlimited potential for happiness in every moment is radical. It involves a shift in consciousness that invites you to question everything you take to be true—all the stories, beliefs, hopes, expectations, and feelings that make up who you think you are—and discover that they’re the very source of your dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and personal suffering.

Take an honest look at the thoughts and feelings that consume your attention. Are you:

Waiting for others to do something so you can be happy?
Obsessing over all the things you don’t like about yourself?
Recycling thoughts about what should or shouldn’t happen in your life?
Living in fear, shame, worry, or depression?

No wonder you’re not happy. These everyday problems set you up for frustration and disappointment. They make you think the present is unfulfilling, and they delude you into believing that the ease you seek will be available at some future time.

This “if only” thinking keeps you chasing happiness rather than living it. And while you’re distracted by these thoughts and feelings, the deepest peace and happiness—available right now—go unnoticed.

Let me be clear: we’re not just talking about that smile-on-your-face feeling we call happiness. It’s not even the satisfaction you feel when things are going well—these are expressions of it. When you deeply accept everything as it is, the inner war with your own experience ends, and you’re not only peaceful, but joyful and content, as well.

This is your natural state: what you knew before any conditioned habits or emotional pain concealed it. It’s the pure aliveness that remains—when the pressure to do, fix, try, and accomplish falls away. Fear subsides, and you feel intimately connected with everything.

This is the happiness that is always available, always ready to be discovered. Even though you may not consciously experience it, you and I both know that it’s here. Even if it’s hidden, this loving presence is alive in your true heart.

Are you caught in “if only” thinking? Do you know your natural state? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to comment.

This is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, The End of Self-Help: Discovering Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life now available for pre-order on Amazon.com