Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

TwitterYoutubeFacebookGoogle +

Feeling Inadequate? Living Beyond Mind-Made Limitations

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

“I feel like a loser.” These were the words of a friend of mine, as we sat over coffee, and it just didn’t compute. Before me was a lovely woman with the kindest heart.

As I listened to her story, I became aware of the impressive power that comes with believing our thoughts.

Every time she showed excitement or clarity, in a split second these thoughts derailed her. “I can’t…” “It won’t work…” No wonder she felt like a loser. Her thoughts were constantly pulling her into limitations that she couldn’t find her way out of.

These beliefs telling us we’re inadequate and flawed are painful. Somehow they end up inhabiting our minds, living there for decades, stealing our happiness, creativity, and well being.

These thoughts are so familiar that we automatically believe them without questioning them. Then they unknowingly become our living reality, influencing how we show up in our relationships, our choices, and our ideas about what’s possible in our lives.

If you want to continue living the painful belief of your personal inadequacy, then read no further. But if you want to live in the truth of who you are, if you’re tired of feeling the weight of not living fully and freely, then bring your attention inward to your own direct experience.

That’s the beginning of the work that sets you free.

Inquire into Your Thoughts

The simple act of inquiring into thoughts is revolutionary because it invites you to reflect on well-worn assumptions and habits of mind.

Bring awareness to thought patterns you take for granted, and question if they accurately describe you. Are you really damaged, insufficient, or incapable? Or are these old labels that no longer apply?

Then go deeper to feel into the impact of these thoughts. How do they make you feel? Do they bring you peace and happiness? Notice the sense of lack and how it propels you to relate to others.

Be aware of how believing these thoughts shrinks you into a limited space…and begin to consider what’s possible outside this space. Who are you if you’re free of these thoughts that define you? What is most alive in you that wants to be expressed?

Turn Toward Your Feelings

Defining yourself as inadequate is also experienced as feelings in your body. What emotions are present—fear, rage, disappointment, grief? Go beyond the stories to recognize and welcome the sensations and energies that arise in your body.

Breathe with how the feeling lives in your body.…letting go of the story of not being good enough and being only with sensations. Have this be a lifestyle so the body has time and space to unwind.

Then practice letting it all be. Relax your attention away from sensations and into the openness in which these sensations arise. Here, everything is held exactly as it is with no resistance. Feel the liberation in all parts of your being.

Experiment with Living Free from Inadequacy

Now that you’re open beyond the story of inadequacy and you’re kind toward your feelings, you get to experiment with living from your essential wholeness.

Stand in your brilliance full of possibility. The thoughts may come, but you know they don’t define you. The feelings may appear, but you meet them lovingly so they’re not in charge.

What are you moved to do? How is it to show up unencumbered and free…in your fullness? How would things change for you?

Expand beyond habitual thoughts. Breathe new space into your body. Then see how life wants you to shine.

image

In Love with Life

“Just know that you are above and beyond all things and thoughts. What you want to be, you are it already. Desire nothing, for you lack nothing. The very seeking prevents you from finding.”
~Nisargadatta Maharaj

If you look closely, you’ll see that the mind always tells you there is something wrong with this moment.

It tells you that what’s happening is not as it should be and that something needs to change. It draws you into believing you’re not good enough and need to figure out how to fix yourself. It says that people should be doing something different than they are actually doing.

The mind almost always inclines to the negative. It will tell you that the peace you really want is “out there,” available at some future time…if only you knew how to find it, if only you weren’t such a mess, if only you read the right book or watched the right video.

When we live in this “if only” mindset, how can we feel anything but sad, alone, and anxious? Because our present moment experience is defined by lack and inadequacy.

Caught in the mind’s grip, we think we’re missing what we need to be happy. And we’re disconnected from the love and freedom available right now.

Isn’t this how most of us live?

Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem of lack, and, no matter what you believe, true happiness is actually possible. But the compulsive mind won’t help you know it—you need to look outside the mind.

What’s amazing to realize is that in every moment there is a sacred choice.

  • We can believe our thoughts—or take a breath.
  • We can think about a better future—or open lovingly to what’s happening right now.
  • We can stay stuck in the rut of robotic patterns—or shift to expanded consciousness and relax into infinite possibilities.

I am absolutely in love with the experience of being present. I love the sensitivity of being alive to feelings and sensations. I love feeling the tenderness of emotions and the deep relationships that are possible without fear and defensiveness.

And I love the spaciousness—the timeless, formless energy of pure being—that holds everything with total acceptance.

Sure, we could all be gripped by conditioned patterns if we want to be. But things get interesting once we fully understand that a choice is possible. We wake up into being conscious in the moments of our lives.

We feel into the limitation that patterns bring us. We become aware of how much the mind judges ourselves and others. And we answer the call of the heart into something greater.

Thoughts are limiting—and awareness is vast and infinite. Thoughts are repetitive and negative—and directly engaging with life reveals unlimited possibilities.

It doesn’t matter how many times you miss the opportunity to choose—because there is always another one. Every moment is so fresh, so alive!

Turn toward yourself and away from your thoughts. Step into the fullness of the present, the boundless space of being aware.

Then open to whatever you encounter with the deepest welcoming and an overflowing heart. This is what I love, and I’m sure you will love it, too.

image

The Heart and Soul of Self-Compassion

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
~Buddha

Our true nature is endless peace, beyond space and time, and pure aliveness. And it’s beautiful to explore this truth directly.

But if you’re like me, sometimes we have very human experiences of getting caught in old stories and limited ways of thinking about ourselves.

We feel sad, angry, frustrated, unworthy, jealous, or shameful, and it doesn’t feel good.

At times like these, it can help immensely to practice self-compassion as a way home to peace.

We’re all good people, right? We care about others and know how to treat them with support, acceptance, encouragement, kindness, and love.

Self-compassion is about meeting our own experience with this same love and care.

Many of us are conditioned to turn against ourselves. In our minds, we belittle and criticize our bodies, our creative ideas, our choices, and our actions.

And when waves of emotion visit, we want to fix, change, and avoid—anything but let these tender experiences be as they are. We often feel like we’re just not doing it right.

Self-compassion is the healing balm that helps us weave the fragments of ourselves back together. And here is where we discover our essential wholeness that was always who we are.

We start practicing self-compassion by turning our attention toward whatever we’re experiencing in the moment. We slow things down so we can consciously feel what’s here. Why? Because it’s here for our loving attention.

We stop fighting with our feelings and instead stay open to lovingly receive what appears. And whatever it is, we welcome like our long lost child coming home.

By being kind to what arises, we’re attuned to ourselves. We acknowledge what’s happening; we have our own back—which is exactly what these tender parts of ourselves are longing for.

And practicing this deep self-acceptance over time, we start to find a safe base within that we can return to any time—our harbor in the midst of any storm. We slowly trust again.

We practice self-compassion first with a willingness to be kind to ourselves—because I know you know that self-judgment is stealing your happiness. Then, turning inward, we’re curious about what we find.

  • What sensations are appearing in your body?
  • What thoughts are in your mind that are telling you negative, distorted stories about who you are?
  • What emotions want to be seen by you?

Simply this heartfelt noticing is a supremely kind act.

And here are some other ways to be self-compassionate:

  • We breathe with one hand on the heart and one on the belly—softening into ourselves, being our own best companion.
  • We arrive back to the present moment using our five senses. What do you hear, see, smell, taste, feel? This is what’s real right now.
  • We see how the inner critical voice undermines us, and we become a coach to ourselves instead. What can your inner coach say to support you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once there’s space from the prison of your inner negativity, you get to listen deeply within. What is your inner aliveness saying to you? What wants to be born in you? What is itching to be expressed?

Then you find the courage to let the truth of you be known.

Bringing kindness within is the path that will light up the way…

image credit

Stop…Be Still

“To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.”
~Chang Tzu

It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized how much I had been putting up barriers to life—and happiness.

I was in a place on my path where I was diligently studying my in-the-moment experience—and I discovered that my first response to people, situations, and new possibilities was to pull away in fear.

For many years, I had been automatically saying “No”—before I considered what was being offered, before I let myself feel the excitement of something new and unknown. I probably missed out on a lot.

I was moving away from what was being given, and it felt bad.

As soon as I saw this tendency, I was committed to changing it. I didn’t want to be tamped down by a wall of fear. I wanted to relax and feel peaceful more than anything. I just knew there was more to life, and I wanted to figure out how to find it.

Over time, I learned to turn inward toward my inner experience, right into the blocks and walls. I learned to deeply accept everything without any resistance.

I shifted from moving away to staying, opening, and fully receiving things as they are. Finally, I was saying “Yes!” to life. It was a happy revolution in my whole way of being.

Caught in our conditioning, we tend to move in three ways: toward, away, or against. Which is your style? See how your mind and body moves—and how you move along with it—and you will discover the endless peace that comes with not moving.

Moving Toward

People who move toward feel a well of need and lack inside. If this is your style, you leave your inner grounding and grasp at people and things to fill you up and give you what you think you’re missing.

You believe your thoughts that try to convince you that you’re not enough.

Who you are is not defined by these limiting thoughts. Who are you if you don’t believe them?

Let your attachment to these thoughts go, and you’ll see that you are openness itself, whole, full, and lacking nothing.

Moving toward looks like this:

  • Seeking approval and attention from others
  • Concern about the image you present in the world
  • Sacrificing yourself for others, then feeling resentful
  • Perceiving yourself as lacking and flawed
  • Difficulty walking away from relationships that aren’t working
  • Attachment to your personal dramas
  • Grasping money, people, and objects
  • Feeling that you are special and avoiding your ordinariness

When you notice these tendencies, stop. With loving acceptance, let the feelings and urges arise, but don’t act on them. Be the space that they arise in.

Relax back into yourself, and realize that life is complete, just as it is, in this very moment.

Moving Away

Moving away is about fear and avoidance. There is tightening in the body, contraction in the breath, and a physical pulling away from whatever is arising. Threat is seen everywhere.

Moving away is built on a perceived lack of safety and security. What are you really afraid of, anyway? Can you consider trusting that you are OK and that you can engage with life as it’s unfolding right now?

Moving away looks like this:

  • Doubt and indecision
  • Nonstop thinking fueled by fear
  • Avoiding people and situations
  • Trepidation in the face of anything new
  • Fear of committing to anything
  • Excessive worry
  • Holding yourself back

Moving away has strong physical and mental elements. Learn how to relax your body and nervous system and breathe deeply. Experiment with not running your life by all the thoughts that appear in your mind. Put the thoughts aside (they aren’t helping you), and stay here and present.

Open yourself fully to the wonder of what’s actually here now. What are you experiencing through your senses? What is the space that these sense perceptions arise in?

Moving Against

You’re moving against when you’re stuck in anger, frustration, and entitlement. Some of us live at odds with the world, resisting everything. We show up ready for a struggle, while missing out on what is actually here when we let our guard down.

Moving against is a defensive posture that avoids vulnerability. What if you allowed yourself to tenderly open to the reality of what’s here now?

Moving against looks like this:

  • Anger and resistance to people, situations, and the world
  • Rebelliousness
  • A sense of entitlement—things should be the way you want them to be
  • Judgment—either outward toward others or inward toward yourself
  • Stuffing anger by eating, sleeping, and avoiding conflict at all costs
  • Desire for power and control

It takes so much effort to face the world primed for a fight. Really, there’s nothing to protect. Feel the sensations of anger, and notice the effortlessness of being open, soft, and receptive. Relax into life as it’s unfolding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The strategies of moving toward, away, and against sap your energy. They divide, fragment, and keep you from relaxing into the infinite space of what’s true and real.

What to do when you notice these tendencies? Stop…be still. Feel the conditioned movements—and don’t move into them. Be the vast welcoming openness that they arise in.

You’re lovingly noticing the thoughts and feelings, but giving them no energy that makes them real.

They shed like a snake sheds its skin. And here you are…not moving and fully available to all of life.

image credit

A Wise and Kind Relationship to Your Feelings

​​​​​​For the past two weeks, we’ve been studying emotions. You can find these past posts here and here. What have we discovered?

The Essence of Meeting Emotions

  • The physical body is primed to experience emotions. They’re normal.
  • Things get complicated when our thinking minds try to make sense of what’s happening. This creates rumination, worry, confusion, and irritation. Your mind just can’t let go of the story.
  • Avoiding emotions will keep you stuck in them.
  • Even though you want to avoid them, turning toward emotions is the path to being free of their grip.
  • Turning toward our emotions creates a new and friendly relationship with them.
  • Taking a slow and conscious breath is a helpful first step.
  • How to turn toward? Welcome all sensations, even the ones hiding out in the shadows of your body. Let everything be welcomed in the stillness of your being.

Being with Your In-The-Moment Experience

Here’s the paradox when it comes to emotions. Logic will tell us to avoid them because who wants to feel pain?

But turn toward them and worlds open up. Without paying attention to the story running in your mind, you get to notice your in-the-moment experience.

There are physical sensations…energies…vibration…and the space these experiences arise in. It’s a moment of peace when you meet your feelings as they are.

Avoiding feelings is divisive within and separates us from ourselves. We might call it inner war.

Turning toward and meeting emotions is the path to coming to peace with ourselves.

But don’t take my word for it. Right now, go inside and be with whatever is occurring. Without the mind’s interference, what do you notice? You’re simply allowing what’s here to be here—and it’s way more peaceful than resisting.

A New Relationship with Emotion

I received an email recently from someone who is on fire to explore her experience—even if it hurts (because that’s what it takes). And she made an amazing discovery. She is starting to notice how much fear underlies the addictive behaviors she plays out in her life.

What a revelation! Caught in the addictions, the fear goes unnoticed. But making the courageous move to be curious about her inner experience, she realized the depth of the fear that’s been driving her unsatisfying behavior.

Then her question was, “How do I overcome this fear?” Which means, “How do I win the fight over it? How do I conquer it?”

Basically, she is asking how to get rid of the fear. From my experience, that’s not possible.

First, she avoided the fear completely, not even realizing it was present.

Then she wanted to get rid of it.

And I am suggesting a third approach, which is to get curious about it.

The invitation is to form a new relationship with fear—or any emotion—that is friendly and kind.

  • Instead of panicking when an emotion is present, or hating that it’s here, you take a breath and say, “Hello, Emotion.”
  • You explore how it feels in the body.
  • And you make space for it to appear then float on.

This is the paradox when it comes to emotion. We turn toward our feelings with loving acceptance, and they stop derailing our happiness.

Like a miracle, we discover that by including our emotions and letting them be, there’s peace…lightness…and the sense that all is deeply okay.

image credit