Habits Articles and Blog Posts

A Revolutionary Look at Changing Habits

changehabit Have you heard this one?

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, hands him a twenty dollar bill, and says, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor prepares the hot dog and gives it to the monk. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, “Change only comes from within.”

How people make changes in their lives is a topic that has fascinated me for years. I was always interested in being happier, more popular, and more successful. I felt like there was something better for me out there that I hadn’t yet discovered, and I wanted to know what needed to change for me to find it.

Happiness experts tell us to want what we have, and I don’t disagree. However, if what we have isn’t working for us, then it’s time to consider a change. And as we now know, change only comes from within.

Lasting change requires attention and self-reflection. It is a rich process that can lead us to discover fulfillment way beyond anything we could have dreamed up. It asks us to wake up to our lives, moment by moment, to be aware of what is actually happening.

If you can read a list of 10 tips for a better life and implement them, then you have my full support. However, if you struggle with habits that take you away from happiness, good health, and peace, then experiment with the following process and open to a more natural, intelligent way of being.

The Process for Lasting Change

First, and most importantly, take a look at what you want to change, at what is no longer serving you. Whatever it is, it is a habit, something you have probably been doing for a long time. What I have found is that banishing parts of ourselves that we don’t like simply doesn’t work. Unless we befriend them and understand them intimately, they will continue to spring up and undermine our good efforts. It’s like putting in earplugs to silence a baby’s cry. The real solution comes only when the source of the problem is tended to with care.
Investigate to see what this habit has been doing for you, as it is there for a reason. Does it give you some comfort or solace? A sense of power? Does it keep you on familiar territory so you don’t have to experience something new? Does it give you a thrill? Take an honest look, and honor the creative, albeit misguided, ways we come up with to get our needs met.

A smoker might see how smoking is used to relax or socialize. An aggressive type might realize he is really scared and trying to keep control. A woman who burns herself out by giving to others might determine that she is assuaging her guilt or thriving on approval. A procrastinator may be avoiding success or creativity. Every habit we want to change has a hidden payoff that needs to be uncovered.

Discover the limiting thoughts that keep the habit going; for example: I will fail, I won’t be loved, I’ll fall apart, I’ll explode, I’ll be overwhelmed. See the truth, which is: I don’t know what is going to happen if I let go of this habit. Consider the possibility of stepping into the unknown and letting nature take its course.
Why study habits in such detail? Lasting change requires that we acknowledge what we are losing by letting them go. This step is essential. Change to something different always implies a loss. With some habits, we might be more than ready to move on, and the loss is inconsequential. But for others, we may need to mourn what we are letting go, recognizing the benefit of the habit and feeling the sadness and sorrow as we walk away from it. It’s like ending a relationship with an old friend who you know you have outgrown. If you find that you cannot sustain a change you have been working on, you may have some feelings related to the loss that haven’t yet surfaced.
Appreciate that changing a habit means making the space for something new and unfamiliar. For some people, this might be scary, for others quite exciting. It sounds so obvious: if you’re going to stop the habit, you won’t be engaging in the behavior anymore. If you are a smoker, you won’t be smoking. If you are a procrastinator, you will be getting more done. Be open to all possibilities.
Sometimes it’s not only “one day at a time,” but “one moment at a time.” Cravings and urges to continue the old behavior can be very strong. Like the most seductive lover, they beckon us shamelessly. Prepare yourself to say “no” and turn away, as many times as it takes. Renew your connection with your deepest desire. Have a list available of wonderfully distracting activities. Bring oceans of compassion to your struggling self.
Ultimately, Nike got it. It boils down to, “Just Do It.” Put down the cookie, start to take care of yourself, clean up your room and get going. Live the life you want to live – it’s there waiting for you with open arms. And when you do, feel the freedom, and rejoice from the inside out.
Change generally happens over time. Our job is to set up the ideal conditions for the grip of an unwanted habit to release. And remember, every moment offers the opportunity for renewal.

How about you? How have you released old habits? What have been the results?

The Ultimate Solution to Self-Defeating Habits

We all know what it’s like to get trapped by an unwanted habit. You may have vowed to eliminate fried food from your diet, start an exercise regimen, show up on time from now on, or stop arguing with your wife. Suggestions abound in contemporary media to help you achieve your self-improvement goals. You can easily learn what to eat, when to exercise, and how to communicate or manage your time better. For some of us some of the time, implementing these suggestions works, and if you are one of these lucky ones, I celebrate with you on your success. But what about lasting change at the deepest level? For most of us, true and sustained transformation, especially regarding our most entrenched habits, seems elusive.

In this post I want to begin demystifying the process of unlocking yourself from the cycle of self-defeating behavior. Even the most deeply rooted behaviors that seem hopelessly fixed can be examined in a new light, opening up endless possibilities. I’ve seen this work in my own life and in the lives of hundreds of others, and I am happy to be sharing this process with you. What I discuss here applies to all personal experiences that stand in the way of peace and contentment, including specific behaviors you perform, challenging emotional habits such as anger or depression, and negative or anxiety-based thought patterns.

What Are Habits

By definition, habits are behaviors that occur with regularity and often have an unconscious or involuntary quality to them. They are conditioned behaviors that may be so well learned that we don’t even realize we are doing them, for example driving a car. Many habits are benign or useful for daily functioning – looking both ways before crossing the street, checking yourself in the mirror before you leave for the day. We perform hundreds of automatic behaviors every day that bring ease to our lives; thus, there is nothing inherently negative about a habit.

The trouble comes when the habit detracts from your happiness. You might feel worthless because you can’t stop procrastinating; your health may be at issue and you just can’t seem to eat less or reduce your stress; you typically feel depressed or anxious; or you have a tendency to see yourself, others, and the world through a negative lens. You might even have what we call an addiction, an activity you keep doing compulsively despite harmful consequences. You can probably identify habits in your own life that bring the dark cloud of unhappiness. Know that you can address them effectively so you feel more at ease, lighter, and happier.

Modifying Habits: Attention, Willingness, Exploration

The straight talk about these seemingly resistant behaviors is that modifying them requires AWE: Attention, Willingness, and Exploration. By using your attention, you are illuminating the unconscious beliefs and motivations that provide the fuel for the habit. To truly resolve a troubling behavior pattern, every aspect of it must come out of the shadows so it can be seen for what it is. There is no way around this radical process of being precise with your attention to become aware of the emotions and subtle beliefs that keep the habit in place. Until you consciously know exactly what is driving a habit, it will be sustained. Where you place your attention, then, is integral to your happiness and freedom. It is the one choice you have that really makes a difference. When you pay attention to the underpinnings of a habit, you are the hamster stepping off the wheel. You are allowing for the possibility of being fresh, flexible, and open.

Because you are examining the source of a behavior that has been rigidly in place for perhaps a very long time, willingness is required. You have to really want to know the truth and be open to change and release – not just once, but over and over for as long as is necessary. Human beings will go to great lengths to preserve what is familiar to them, rather than risk what is new and potentially uncontrollable. When you begin to honestly address a pattern that no longer serves you, you are putting the brakes on a train that has been hurtling down the tracks with great momentum. You need to be willing to stop feeding the pattern, to stop thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings that keep it going. Instead, make the decision to turn your attention to an investigation of what drives it and see what you can do differently. Willingness strengthens when you get fed up, when you are tired of unpleasant feelings, conflict, and the same old, same old. Willingness is the breath of inspiration in your process to pick up the key and walk out the prison door.

Now that you are willing to place your attention on the source of your problem, you can begin to explore. Find within yourself a place of curiosity and acceptance, and inquire into the reality of the problem. I suggest setting aside some time for this inquiry and maybe writing your thoughts on paper. Ask yourself each question, then wait for the answer to come. Regarding the habit, contemplate: What is the specific content of my thoughts? What is the energy or feeling behind these thoughts? If these feelings had a voice, what would they say? What do they believe about the world? What motivates my behavior? What am I getting out of continuing this habit? What are the consequences of it for myself and others? What do I really want? As you contemplate each question, allow the response to sink in – not just at a mental level, but all the way into the cells of your body. Really feel the experience.

Let’s take as an example self-critical thinking, which is a very common problem. This is a conditioned habit in which negative thoughts about yourself appear in your mind, and you believe them. You might believe that you are too shy, too heavy, too aggressive, too needy, not bright enough, not strong enough – whatever is your particular version of this pattern that undermines your confidence, engenders feelings of sadness and frustration, and interferes with you accomplishing all that might be possible. Once you become aware of this cycle of thinking and decide that you don’t want to be weighed down by it any longer, you are willing to focus your attention. ( See also Q & A on the inner critic)

Find an inner place that is curious, open, and available for exploration. Begin to ask yourself the inquiry questions, allowing time for the answer to come to your awareness and be felt directly in your body. You might discover that the feeling behind the thoughts is fear. You might realize that you are saying these thoughts to yourself because someone earlier in your life said them to you. You might feel frustrated about the power of these thoughts and their effect on you. You might notice that these thoughts see the world as a harsh and unfriendly place that makes you shrink away or be overly aggressive or controlling. You might contemplate, when you look carefully, that these thoughts aren’t even true, or that their opposite could be just as true. Allow these responses be known to you as you are now understanding the core of the pattern and what sustains it. Ask yourself what you really want. Are you willing to cease feeding these thoughts and believing them? Thinking them brings you stress and frustration; giving them space to float and dissolve brings you peace.

AWE Works

With the practice of AWE, the pattern becomes less rigid. By giving it your gentle attention with a clear intention to know the truth, you are much more conscious of the pattern. Rather than operating outside of your awareness, you are likely to recognize the pattern as it begins. As you become more conscious of it, it no longer occurs automatically, and you can choose to place your attention on what will bring you happiness. When you realize you are in a cycle of self-critical thinking, for example, and you move your attention away from feeding these thoughts, you are lighter and less encumbered.

Notice that I am not suggesting you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, often called affirmations. If affirmations work for you, please continue practicing them. However, ultimately what is most helpful is to get to the root of the problem and liberate the energy it takes to sustain a conditioned habit. As you become free of conditioning, infinite possibilities open up to you.

I conclude with two essential points about this process. First, it undoubtedly will need to be repeated many times, as your questioning reveals more about the foundation of the pattern. When people say, “I tried that already, and it didn’t work,” I know that they didn’t persevere enough. There was a period in my life when, with each instance of a thought, feeling, or behavior that was part of a conditioned habit, I stopped, sat down, and investigated it on the spot. This probably occurred hundreds, if not thousands, of times over a span of several months. Gradually, the grip of these patterns released. They just couldn’t hold up under the scrutiny of honest and heartfelt investigation. And for me, it is a joy to live in inquiry and be open to whatever arises. Have patience with yourself and bring a gentle, even loving, quality to your inquiry. With persistence, you will experience freedom from your conditioned habits.

Second, depending on the pattern you are working on, you might benefit from learning about the problem and practicing some skills that might help you as your behavior changes. Education about the behavior can be enormously valuable. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, it might be supportive to learn about the calorie content of different foods, ways to effectively exercise, etc. If you want to be less argumentative or more assertive, you might study some communication skills. However, if you have difficulty implementing these changes, don’t give up. Go back to the process of AWE, over and over, and find the undiscovered kernel in your beliefs and world view that will set you free.

I know for certain that freedom is possible. You can study limiting behavior patterns and the beliefs that underlie them. By so doing, the foundation will shift, or maybe even fall away entirely, leaving vast space for the unknown to be known. You are the light; allow your radiance shine.

I am interested in your experiences and reactions. Please write and let me know how it’s going.

image: uggboy

Happiness in Four Essential Paradigm Shifts

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All of us want to be happy, yet we sometimes find ourselves feeling grumpy, hopeless, dissatisfied, or depressed. We may live in discontent or be sailing along just fine when something challenging happens, and we are triggered once again. Happiness is our birthright, our true nature, always available. So if happiness is obscured, it makes sense to wonder why, to ask: how have we turned away from what is so fundamentally true?

A paradigm shift is a revolution, a complete, radical change in how one views reality. With a paradigm shift, old assumptions and beliefs are seen to be false and no longer applicable, and a completely new, fresh way of being takes their place. Do you want to be happy? Consider the following, and prepare for the inner revolution.

Shift #1: From Being Unconscious to Being Conscious

Several years ago, my interest in freedom ignited, and I realized that in order to be completely free I needed to notice all the ways that I was bringing some form of suffering to myself. I saw the useless mental chatter that accompanied me as I washed the dishes. I discovered quite a bit of tension in certain muscles that never seemed to dissolve. And one morning upon waking, I noticed a subtle heaviness that was saying, “Oh, I need to deal with another day,” a feeling I had to slog through to get out of bed, and I realized that that feeling had been present most mornings for a very long time.

It was a lightbulb moment for me to see that my days began with the persistent whisper of a “no,” an experience that I carried around well into the morning. Strange as it may sound, I was excited to recognize this feeling, as I knew that once I saw it, it could never again have quite the same hold on me.

Much of our behavior happens automatically, outside of conscious awareness. We inhabit familiar patterns that are based on assumptions we have about the world, patterns that continue until we become aware of our behavior and question the truth of these underlying assumptions. For example, I was waking up every morning unconsciously dreading the day and assuming it was going to be difficult. Couples often repeat the same argument over and over, even though they vow not to. Someone trying to eat a healthier diet is defeated by unexamined habits of food choices and eating patterns. You might find yourself feeling angry or afraid on a regular basis without knowing why. These conditioned tendencies run deep.

There is nothing inherently wrong with not being aware. But if what we want is greater happiness in our lives, conscious awareness is the key, the first essential step toward freedom from automatic behavior patterns. We need to look at what is actually happening in our experience when we are triggered so we know what we are dealing with – the thoughts, mental stories, sensations in our bodies, emotions, and the reactions of those around us.

We can then ask, “Is this what I really want?” We recognize that bringing awareness to the experience of our lives opens up the possibility for change. When we see a familiar pattern beginning to take shape, we can choose not to perpetuate it. We become flexible and open to respond in a life-affirming way.

Seeing my morning resistance to the day sparked a momentous change. I saw that it was based on pessimistic assumptions that were not necessarily true. I started waking up looking for this feeling, smiling at it, then going about my business. Once I noticed it, it became small and powerless. Several months later, I realized that the feeling had not even appeared in a while.

When we start to become more conscious, we might not always like what we see. But what quickly becomes apparent is the opportunity to live a life that is no longer ruled by unconscious motives and habits that seem out of our control. We become totally alive to our experience as it is actually happening. No longer resisting, happiness has a welcoming space to bloom.

Shift #2: From Looking Outward to Looking Inward

For most of us, the usual way to solve problems is to try to fix something about the situation or other people. This is called the “if only” life: if only my husband would help more around the house, if only it rained less, if only my boss would acknowledge the good work I do. You get the picture. We look outside ourselves to change a situation that causes us trouble. Sometimes this works, but often we hit the wall of realizing the limited amount of control we actually have. People do what they do; situations occur unbidden.

The only real way to deflate the areas of unhappiness in our lives is the last one we think of – looking inward to examine our own reactions. Seriously consider this for a second. Say that your husband always leaves his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor and that each time you see them you feel irritated and begin a monologue in your head loaded with negative thoughts about him. You’ve tried talking to him about it, ignoring the clothes, picking them up, but nothing has changed your internal reaction. Now imagine this: if you did not react by feeling frustrated and running a litany of critical thoughts in your mind, it wouldn’t matter what he did with his clothes. He could do whatever he wanted, and you would remain clear and non-reactive.

The key is not to try to change something you have no control over, e.g., someone else’s behavior, but to examine your own reactions, to understand the nature of being triggered: what exactly is triggering you, what does the trigger consist of (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, urges), what do you really need? This investigation, done in a kind and friendly way, brings a tremendous amount of compassion and understanding to yourself right where you need it. And as these reactions are investigated repeatedly, they tend to lose their power and melt away. Freedom begins to take hold.

Admittedly, what I am suggesting may seem difficult or feel unfamiliar. It takes courage to honestly look at ourselves, to see how we are making ourselves unhappy by our reactions. It is a move from insanity to sanity, from relying on the external world to make us happy to discovering that we can be happy no matter what happens. When our reactions subside, anything can occur, and happiness remains undisturbed.

Shift #3: From Living in the Future or the Past to Being Present

There is a lot of talk these days about being present. It seems like a good thing, a desirable state, but what does it actually mean to be present?

The truth is that it is impossible not to be present. When we think about or relive the past, we are not actually in the past, we are experiencing it in our minds – in the here and now. And when we project into the future about what may or may not happen, we are not actually in the future. When the “future” comes, we are experiencing it in the present.

In actuality, we are always in the present; it just doesn’t seem that we are because our minds are so actively involved in thinking about the past or the future. And where can happiness be found? Yes, in this present moment.

Say you are looking at a photograph of an enjoyable time during your recent vacation. You are being reminded of an event that already happened, but the holding of the photograph, the looking at it, the warm glow of happiness you feel, even the playing out of the memory in your mind are all happening in the present.

When you begin to take an honest look at your thoughts about the past and the future, you will see that most of them are based on fear or lack, not on happiness. We worry, analyze, doubt ourselves, criticize, and obsessively plan. We think about what we need that we don’t have and how a situation other than what is happening would be so much better. And we run these thoughts in our minds over and over with very little useful function. Does any of this sound familiar?

When the mind becomes quiet, even if just for a moment, a deep, pervasive sense of peace is apparent. Joy may bubble up for no reason. We feel happy and connected. The experience of being present is always available to us; it is a sense of coming home to a place we never actually left. It may be veiled by the active thinking mind, but when we refrain from feeding thoughts with our attention, we see that reality is always here, completely reliable, never disturbed.

Life is so incredibly rich. There are sounds, sensations in the body, emotions, sights, great intimacy with all things. And when we allow solutions to appear from this peaceful space rather than figuring them out in the mind, clarity emerges. Moving from the past and future of the mind to the present is the beginning of being truly alive.

Shift #4: From Criticism and Judgment to Appreciation and Gratitude

When the intention arose in me to become very aware of my inner experience, much to my chagrin, I noticed that my thoughts were often critical and filled with judgment – not just of people around me, but of myself as well. These were unpleasant stories that appeared spontaneously – before I knew it, I was harshly condemning someone in my mind.

As I delved into the experience of these thoughts, I found negativity, disconnection, and shame. I couldn’t see any good coming from this tendency, which motivated me to make a significant change. I imagine I’m not alone in the degree to which criticism and judgment were taking up my mental space.

It was a long process that took several years, but gradually the critical thoughts subsided. At the same time, I noticed that I was naturally more open and available to people and the world around me. It became a joy for me to frequently verbalize my appreciation and to openly express my love and caring for people.

Eventually, I felt moved to study forgiveness and to recognize all the ways that I was still closed down and holding a grudge. Person by person, situation by situation, I forgave myself and others, not to condone or dismiss anyone’s actions, but to free myself from being a victim of stories I clung to that perpetuated hurt and blame.

Happiness doesn’t even begin to describe my current experience. Moving from the mental activities of criticism and judgment to the heart-based expression of love in all its forms is nothing short of transformative.

So how to experience happiness? It takes an inner revolution. Make a commitment to be conscious in your life. Look inward to become aware of the patterns you play out that disturb your well-being. Live in the present; be awake to life as it is actually unfolding. Let go of the critical mind, and allow your heart to sing. Happiness is right here, right now, in this very moment.

Please feel free to comment with your reactions, insights, etc. I’d love to hear from you!

Image credit: Pink Sherbet

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