Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

TwitterYoutubeFacebookGoogle +

What Does It Mean to Accept Your Present Moment Experience?

“Transforming yourself is a means of giving light to the whole world.”
~Ramana Maharshi

I talk a lot about accepting your present moment experience. Someone recently asked what exactly I’m inviting you to accept, ​​​​​​​and I’m sure she isn’t the only one with this question.

  • Should you accept abusive situations?​​​​​​​
  • Should you accept that you don’t know how to stand up to others?​​​​​​​
  • Should you accept that you’re single when you don’t want to be?​​​​​​​

If you accept everything, does nothing ever change?

Accept and Welcome Everything

Acceptance is not about giving up and resigning yourself to staying stuck in painful situations. It’s not about putting up with anyone or anything and being miserable.

It’s a full-on welcoming of what is true right now that shows you where you’re stuck—and it paves the way forward to freedom.

Say you feel frustrated with yourself because you let people take advantage of you. If this is your experience, I imagine you’re suffering because of it. Do you just have to live with this way of being forever?

Here is what’s arising in your in-the-moment experience:

  • ​The feeling of frustration, and​​​​​​​
  • The belief about yourself that you can’t say no or set appropriate boundaries.​​​​​​​

Explore deeper into your present moment experience, and you’ll probably find a fear of rejection or of not being liked.

Putting any story about your feelings aside for the moment, the invitation is to fully accept the fear and frustration that are present. Without analyzing anything or trying to problem-solve, you simple open to the feelings that are here, sitting quietly and noticing the sensations present in your body.

If you offer this acceptance to your feelings for a little while, you’ll probably start to feel more peaceful.

Right away, you can see that the stressful feelings come from believing your thoughts. And when you put the thoughts aside for a moment and just be with the pure feelings, all is well.

Shining the Light on False Identities

If you’re suffering because you let others take advantage of you—or for any other reason—you’re living under a limiting and false identity that keeps you locked into relationships and patterns that aren’t working for you.

Deep acceptance of your present moment experience and the insights it brings is the opening you need. You start to recognize where your conditioning has taken hold—and how you can be more aligned with your true nature.

Wise Behavior Change

Accepting things as they are now, how can you shift to a more authentic way of being? You take bold and powerful steps infused with truth. This is wise behavior change.​​​

  • You can let the stories go and welcome your feelings.​​​​​​​
  • You can stay connected to your deepest desire to be free of conditioned habits that aren’t serving you.​​​​​​​
  • You can practice saying no to requests that make you uncomfortable.​​​​​​​
  • You can stay connected to yourself and what you really want rather than worrying about disappointing others.​​​​​​​

A Fresh Beginning

Acceptance isn’t a dead end—rather it’s a fresh beginning.

You may not like seeing how you’ve been stuck in programmed patterns or that you’ve made choices that don’t support your happiness. But when you accept, you are opening the path to a truth-based way of being.

Like an alcoholic getting sober, you get fed up with the pain of your conditioning and vow to find another way that feels better. And there always is one.

This path of truth is fierce. If we want to be happy, we need to be honest with ourselves.

​​​​​​​Acceptance of what is right now is the starting point to begin the realignment with truth.

Any comments or questions? I’d love to hear…

Take a Glorious Breath

conscious breathing

“Best of all is to preserve everything
in a pure, still heart, and let there be
for every pulse a thanksgiving,
and for every breath a song.”
~Konrad von Gesner

Most of us underestimate the power of a conscious breath. But if you want to stop the momentum of programmed habits, it’s a tool you’ll want to have in your back pocket
​​​
Just about every client I’ve ever worked with naturally takes an expansive breath, almost a deep sigh, when they first realize that their attention has been captured by a conditioned thought pattern.

This breath is like a homecoming. It breathes life into the body that’s been closed down and forgotten by endless mental activity, and helps the mind to open beyond a habitual and contracted line of thinking.

Just this morning someone was raving about the benefits of conscious breathing, as it helps her stop the habitual movement into anger. As a result, her relationships are improving, and she revealed, “I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin.”

How Conscious Breathing Affects the Body

Conscious breathing calms the nervous system by relaxing your muscles, slowing your heart rate, and bringing oxygen throughout your body. It acts as a reset, taking you off the treadmill of mental patterns that run automatically so you can find the stillness and ease of being present in the moment.

Our lungs are actually quite large, going from the top of the collarbone to the bottom of the ribs and expanding through the front, sides, and back of the body. That’s a lot of space to fill up with air!

When we’re caught in stressful thinking, our breathing is shallow, using only a small portion of the upper lung. And the muscles and connective tissue around the chest, belly, and back are tense. And some of us even forget to breathe.

A couple of deep conscious breaths draws your attention away from your mind and invites opening and relaxation into your whole body.

Let’s Breathe…

Here are the instructions for conscious breathing. And if you click here, you’ll find an audio recording I made for you that will guide you.

  • Start by bringing your attention to your low belly, just below the belly button. You might even put your hand there so you can feel your belly expand and contract.
  • Exhale out all the air completely, then inhale from your belly, taking four slow counts to fill your lungs completely to the top of the collarbone…1…2…3…4. You’ll feel your ribs expand all around your body.
  • Then exhale slowly for a count of six…1…2…3…4…5…6.
  • Come back to normal breathing, and just be still.

When you’re ready, try a few more deep conscious breaths. You can change the counts for the inhale and exhale however you need to so it’s comfortable for your body.

Here is an audio recording I made for you to try out conscious breathing.

(To download, click Download. The audio will open in a new window. Then for Mac’s, control-click, then “Save video as…”. For PC’s, right click.)

So simple, right?

A Useful Tool Anytime

You can take these conscious breaths anytime…

  • When you’re beginning to feel angry,
  • When you notice you’re stuck in worry, stress, or fear,
  • When your inner critic gets noisy,
  • When your mind is spinning with thoughts,
  • When you feel the urge to act in a way you know doesn’t serve you,
  • Anytime you’re triggered.

Simply breathe…inhaling and exhaling. You may notice you’re in touch with feeling vital and alive, grateful and still. It’s the universe breathing itself through you…

What About You?

Comments are open. Any questions or reports? I’d love to hear…

Finding Your Inner Coach

“At a certain point, we need to grow up; we need to look inside ourselves for our inner guidance.”
​​​​​​​~Adyashanti

I was speaking to a friend the other day who is often caught in a mindset of lack. His mind seems to love reciting all the things that are missing from his life, especially a relationship with a woman.
​​​
But this time something different happened. Instead of being taken down this sad and lonely road of lack, this golden phrase appeared: “Wait a minute!”

“Wait a minute”— it completely woke him out of the dream of lack and brought him into the reality of the present moment.

  • Then he began to question:
  • What is present?
  • Is everything okay right now?
  • Do I have to wait for a partner to do the things I want to do?

It was a spontaneous and fresh offering of universal intelligence showing him the way to freedom.

Accessing the Inner Coach

For a while on my journey, the phrase that arose was, “Go in.” To me, that meant to let go of all the thinking in my head and bring my attention down into the body to welcome sensations. Then I sat with great peace, just being this space.

Saying, “Go in,” short-circuited the swirling thoughts every time, and eventually they stopped taking hold.

Someone else I know says, “Go back.” This phrase tells her to let her attention fall away from the world of people and situations—and the world of her own thoughts and feelings. She stops feeding her anxiety and trying to figure out what others need.

She comes back to herself…to the space behind her eyes…to the breath…to being grounded in this now moment.

Help for Discovering Your True Nature

These phrases are a sign that your inner coach is alive and well. It’s the voice in you that knows your personal “I” thoughts don’t serve peace and happiness. It’s the one who is already awake to the magnificent aliveness of your true nature—beckoning you home.

Your inner coach guides you from contraction to creativity. Another friend was stuck in a grabby, fear-based thought pattern. All she could see were scary outcomes with no satisfying solution.

Then, “Hey, wait!” appeared. She took some moments in stillness, and then became aware of a number of practical solutions to the problem she was wrestling with, and the fear disappeared.

Programmed habits often hold on tightly because they’re highly reinforced. We’ve been thinking them and acting on them for most of our lives.

This is why we need skillful means to awaken out of them. And your inner coach is one ally in this process.

What About You?

What is your inner coach saying? How is it helping you? And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to go to GailBrenner.com and to comment.

The Pain of Judging Thoughts

judging_thoughts_post“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
~Rumi

Any belief that we hold onto makes us feel separate. We blame, criticize, and divide the world into right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable.

The pain of the judging mind runs rampant.

Every day I hear of people judging the decisions they made when they were younger, judging their appearance, judging every word that comes out of their mouth, and judging what other people say and do.

How Judging Thoughts Affect Us

How does it feel to judge? Check in with your own inner experience. You’ll find that you feel sad, contracted, shameful, separate, and alone.

Judgments contain a solid sense of the personal “I” who thinks it knows what is right and wrong.

  • I’m right in thinking he should have acted differently.
  • I know everyone’s looking at me and thinking there’s something wrong with me.
  • I know she’s shouldn’t be so negative.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be close, connected, and aligned with the truth of things?

Finding Another Way

My invitation to you today is to turn away from judgments that appear in your mind. Why? Because it’s kind.

I know that might sound hard to do, but give it a try. Notice judging thoughts, but know that if you follow them, they won’t take you to happiness.

Say, “No thank you,” to the pain of judging thoughts.

What do you do instead? You find another way.

Instead of staying stuck in right and wrong, look beyond those thoughts and bring compassion and understanding to the moment.

If you’re judging someone else’s behavior, get curious. Wonder why they’re doing what they’re doing. What’s the feeling or intention behind the behavior?

Use the opportunity to break down your own mental ideas that divide and separate, and connect with the tender humanness of the other person. Can you simply say OK to them as they are?

And if you’re judging yourself, you already know that it doesn’t serve your peace and happiness.

Whatever you’re judging about yourself needs your love and care. Hold that part of you like a loving mother holds her child. Bring compassion to the one who is hurting, to the one who is doing her best.

Be supremely kind with your own inner experience.

Leaning Into Love

One day as I was driving, I noticed that the car in front of me had a vanity license plate that sent a message about the driver’s self-importance. A harsh judging thought arose in my mind about how conceited that person must be. And immediately I felt a strong, almost physical stab of sadness and separation.

Letting that feeling be, I looked for another way.

I felt deep compassion for the human condition—the one who judges and the one who chose to publicize their views about themselves on a license plate. Did that license plate really matter to me?

This seemingly trivial experience led to a huge heart opening that included everyone and everything. My internal dividing walls collapsed, and I fell into an ocean of love.

It’s the nature of the mind to judge, but you don’t have to give those judging thoughts any of your interest and attention.

You don’t have to engage with them at all.

Let them float off like a cloud moving across the sky. And find your way to your huge, natural, loving, open heart. You’re going to love it, I promise you.

What About You?

Do you notice the pain of judging thoughts? What’s another way? I’d love to hear…. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Getting Out of Prison

getting-out-of-prison“What a liberation to realize that the ‘voice in my head’ is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”
~Eckhart Tolle​​​​​​​

We all hold identities about ourselves, and these are the filters through which we view the world.

Say that being capable is part of how you define yourself. That means you’ll show up in situations with confidence, believing you’ll be able to accomplish whatever is needed.

The Prison of Identities

Some of our identities are not so supportive.

If you believe you’re inadequate or unworthy of love, you’ll live as if these ideas are true, and you’ll feel and act like you’re inherently deficient. Here are some other examples:

  • You think of yourself as independent, so you don’t ask for help or share your needs with others,
  • You’re supposed to have it all together, so you think you have to hide your vulnerable side,
  • You think you need to be perfect, so the inner critic constantly bashes you to keep you in line,
  • You need to prove yourself, so you run yourself ragged creating a positive self-image.

Identities are made up of programmed thought processes and emotions that we wear like a skin that’s way too tight. And living them is exhausting.

We take the vast magnificence of who we are that expands way beyond these made-up identities and squish it to fit inside an imaginary boundary.

It’s like we’ve put ourselves in prison with the key sitting there right next to us.

Out of Prison

Believing these identities is optional because they are not who you are. Whatever you believe about yourself—you don’t have to believe it.

Couldn’t you take a breath and open to the fullness of the moment rather than ruminate about your inadequacy? Couldn’t you turn toward the inner critic, put up your hand, and say a firm, “No thank you?”

These self-beliefs are so familiar that we assume they are true. We can’t see outside of them, and we think we’re doomed to suffer forever.

The invitation always is to bring the light of conscious awareness to your in-the-moment experience. Notice what stories about yourself that you’ve taken to be true.

Then take the shortcut route to happiness. Have a mind that doesn’t believe what it thinks. Turn away from all of these identities, and you’ll find that things—right here and right now—are just fine.

Your Natural Brilliance

Putting on a limited identity separates you from others and the world and mutes your brilliance.

Step out of this skin that you pretend is real, and meet life as it is—generous, benevolent, and totally in love with itself.

How do you define yourself? How does that self-definition affect you? What would happen if you stepped away from this identity?

Leave it in a heap on the floor, as you enter the world innocent, full of wonder, and not knowing anything.

Questions? Comments about leaving the prison of your identity? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

PS: I’ll be in London the week of May 22. If you’re around, please come to the meetup. I’d love to see you!

image credit

Loving the Unknown

“It is both the work and the adventure of a lifetime to reclaim the only moment we ever really have, which is always this one.”
~Jon Kabat-Zinn

The voice of fear fills our minds with thoughts that project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do—or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of every negative scenario that could happen.

And the effect of these projections? You feel stuck, you limit yourself, or you resign yourself to playing it safe.

Your attention is captured in fear-infused thoughts, while you’re missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.

Fear Fears the Unknown

At the core of every fear-filled thought is a desire to know what cannot be known. This desire manifests as an imagined negative, scary outcome.

  • I won’t find a job.
  • I’ll always be alone.
  • I’m afraid I’ll be rejected.
  • What if I fail?

Each of these common thoughts contains an assumption about what will happen in the future.

And here is the logical truth: you cannot know ahead of time what will happen. You either know that something is true because it has already occurred. Or it hasn’t occurred yet, and you don’t know what the outcome will be.

Fearful thoughts guess or assume the worst with no logical evidence. When you take these assumptions to be true, you end up anxious and paralyzed.

The Truth of Not Knowing

When it comes to fear, the most liberating statement you can make is, “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know if I’ll find a job,” “I don’t know if I’ll always be alone.”

“I don’t know” opens the door to unlimited possibilities that the fearful mind can’t begin to contemplate.

Seeing the truth of the unknown is a healing balm for fearful thoughts. And here are the effects:

  • No more pressure to know what you can’t possibly know.
  • The end of “should”—what you should know or should be doing.
  • Infinite openness to all possibilities.

Living in the reality of the unknown brings your attention right into the present.

From Fear to Presence

Lose interest in the imagined, scary future, and you will discover:

  • The ability to focus on doing what needs to be done now
  • Appreciation and gratitude
  • Relaxation
  • Enjoyment
  • Acceptance
  • Wonder
  • Peace

The unknown is the truth, and the truth will set you free. Do you want to be free of the effects of fear? Say “Yes!” to not knowing. Savor the experience of saying, “I don’t know.”

Always in love,
Gail

PS: I had a delightful conversation with Lee Davy, creator of the Alcohol and Addiction Podcast. I think you’ll find it practical and helpful. Audio and video are available here.

Trust Yourself

trust yourself“There’s only one reason why you’re not experiencing bliss at this present moment, and it’s because you’re thinking or focusing on what you don’t have…. But, right now you have everything you need to be in bliss.”
~Anthony de Mello

You may not realize it, but your attention is your most valuable resource. Because what you pay attention to creates your reality.

Feel into these three possibilities for where your attention might go:

You’re walking in nature and focusing on the sounds of the birds and the sun glistening through the trees. You experience a peaceful presence, expanded beyond yourself and your problems.

You’re attached to your thoughts, hanging onto them for dear life by paying attention to them. You experience stress, negativity, worry, and the anxious feeling that things aren’t okay.

You’re caught up in the drama of a situation, feeling agitated and out of sorts. Your attention goes to statements like these:

  • What should we do??
  • I can’t believe he did that—again!
  • She’ll never get it together!
  • This situation is terrible!

Suffering Is Optional

I listen to people chewing on their problems a lot. And I do it myself from time to time.

What I always notice, without fail, is that we have a choice. I may be sitting with someone who is suffering, but I absolutely know that freedom from this suffering is one split second away—with a shift of attention.

I always hold the possibility for their freedom—and for yours. Even though you may not know it, I know that whatever suffering you’re experiencing is not who you really are.

Just because negative thoughts come through, you don’t have to think them. If you’re caught up in drama, know that your involvement in it is optional.

Trust Yourself

What happens when you open your attention beyond the thoughts and into the present moment? It might be scary at first because you don’t know what you’ll find. And the stillness may feel way outside your comfort zone.

But this is the only way to be sane in your life. Only by coming home to yourself can you love the tender feelings that are here so they don’t drive you. Only by being with yourself can you be objective about what’s going on and gain clarity.

There is infinite support available to you in any moment, but you won’t find it in your thoughts or other people.

Bring your attention back to yourself. Put your hand on your belly, breathe, and feel your feet on the floor. Be still, and open to everything. Experience the vibration of life moving through you.

Listen deeply for the whisper of truth that offers you just what you need to know. This can be trusted.

The Pain of Holding On—and the Promise of Letting Go

“As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.”
~Eckhart Tolle

I met with someone recently who was in a tremendous amount of emotional pain. Going through a breakup, she felt hurt, disappointed, left, lost, and all the other feelings that you might expect.

And in the middle of all this pain, came the golden insight: “The only way out of this pain is to let go.”

Sounds easy, but how to do that?

Inquiry for Letting Go

This insight prompted an interesting line of inquiry to identify the hook that was causing the pain:

  • What was she holding on to?
  • What endings did she not want to face?
  • What was she hoping for that wasn’t happening?
  • What expectations were hidden below the surface of her awareness?

The answers to these questions revealed so many ways that her attention was stuck in wanting things to be different than they are. No wonder she was in so much pain.

The letting go of these hooks happened without too much struggle because she really, really wanted the pain to stop. She went through each one, and asked, “Can I let go of this?” Each time, her wise mind pictured holding on then letting go, and said, “Yes.”

In fact, she felt the relief of finally being more aligned with the truth of how things are.

How to Move with Change

As humans, it’s natural to hold on. We want control, we resist change—and we want what we want. We get into a certain groove and expect things to stay that way forever.

Change is scary and pushes us out of our comfort zone.

But here’s the truth that we’re all aware of: things change. And our job is to figure out how we want to move with those changes. We can go forward kicking and screaming, not accepting what’s happened.

Or we can look within to see where we’re holding on, and ask if letting go is possible.

So here are some questions for you to contemplate—but only if you’re suffering.

  • Are you holding on, attached to how you want things to be?
  • What could you let go of?
  • Are you willing to let go and open fully to the life that is being offered to you now?

Don’t rush this process. Take time to let the pain—and all the “I want’s” behind the pain—rise to the surface. Let it all be seen in the light of conscious awareness so nothing festers.

Then go through each one. Contemplate holding on…then letting go, and experience what happens.

Welcoming Letting Go

Letting go isn’t something you do. If it were that simple, we’d all be doing it. But here’s what you can do:

  • Recognize you’re suffering,
  • Become aware of the thoughts behind the pain,
  • Feel what it would be like to hold on,
  • And welcome in the possibility of letting go.

When you’re ready, when grace shines on you, you’ll leave the limited world of hopes and expectations and awaken into expanded consciousness, clear seeing, and the luminous truth of present moment experience.

What About You?

Are you holding on? Have you created the space for letting go? I’d love to hear in the comments. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to visit GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Always in love,

Gail

image credit

The Exhausting Story of “Me”

“How long will you think about this painful life?
How long will you think about this harmful world?
The only thing it can take from you is your body.
Don’t say all this rubbish and stop thinking.”
~Rumi

An unexamined mind is a self-centered mind. If you’re unconsciously taking the content of your thoughts to be true, then you’re fully engaged in the story of me…me…me.

If you’re stuck in the machine of conditioning, without realizing it, you’re constantly thinking about what you need, what you want, and what you should or shouldn’t be feeling.

Your Personal Agenda

The “I” that you define yourself as is the reference point for everything, and all your thoughts are about your personal agenda.

  • Am I okay?
  • Am I getting what I need?
  • Am I doing the right thing?
  • Am I safe?
  • I want more.
  • I think he shouldn’t have said that.
  • In my opinion, she should be doing it differently.
  • It’s her fault, not mine.

Not only is this inner self-talk exhausting, it creates an agitated, unhappy mind.

If you identify with the contents of that mind and it becomes the sole focus of your attention, you will undoubtedly feel agitated and unhappy. Instead of engaging with a mind filled to the brim with personal thoughts of fear and dissatisfaction, consider the radical proposition of being empty.

Empty of the Story of “Me”

What if you were to empty out these personal thoughts? How? Take them in a big heap and put them aside because they’re not serving.

And here you are, pure and pristine. A mind infinitely open like the sky. Breath breathing itself. You might think you need a personal self with all of its preferences and opinions. But here’s the truth: you don’t.

Life goes along just fine whether or not the mind is chattering. And when you’re empty of the personal self, your experience will be so much more peaceful.

But don’t take my word for it. Find out in your own experience. Next time you’re lost in suffering, realize how much your attention is supporting the story of me…me…me. Subtract the “me” and all that goes with it, and you’re one with the seamless flow of life.

An Experiment

Try this experiment: become very familiar with the story of the separate self and how it wends its way into your mind and body. Then empty it out. Pour out the personal needs and strategies that aren’t serving. Throw away the needless opinions, demands, and expectations. Then experience yourself as fully here and available to life’s unfolding.

What About You?

I’d love to hear your reports and insights. And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to go to GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Love to you…

Gail

PS: This passage is Chapter 33 from my book entitled, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free. For more and to purchase the book, please click here.

Image credit

A Simple Practice for Being at Peace with Feelings

“Things don’t change. You change your way of looking, that’s all.”
~Carlos Castaneda

Much of the turmoil we experience in life comes from battling our feelings. We don’t want to feel what we feel, so we do everything under the sun to avoid them.

We overthink, overeat, use substances, stay busy—anything but actually stop and feel what we feel.

And when we resist what we’re feeling, we’re avoiding the truth of the moment, living in the fantasy of wishing for a better or more peaceful moment.

The Practice

I can tell you from where I sit, life is so much simpler when we come to peace with our feelings. And I see evidence of this every day in the clients I work with. All it takes is a simple, friendly shift inward toward what we’re experiencing.

In almost every session, at some point I’ll stop the conversation and invite the person I’m speaking with to place one hand on their heart and one on their belly and just be.

It’s a simple reset, a homecoming that turns down the volume on the turbulence of the mind and creates the possibility of opening into presence.

Where before there were problems, now there’s just sensation, movement, and the open space of being aware. In the moment, problems seem to literally melt away.

Ending the War with Feelings

Feelings have power only when we think we need to avoid them. But when we turn our attention toward them and feel what is present, the inner war ends and we’re being honest and authentic with things as they are.

It’s the mind that judges feelings as wrong or scary. When we let go of our interest in these diminishing thoughts and just feel the sensation, there is always an opening into peace.

I woke up last night at around 3am, and my body was filled with vibration. Rather than stressing or resisting, I spent the next hour or two loving these sensations. I had no goal and no agenda to change anything—I was the welcoming presence for whatever was there.

It’s that simple. You let the story line go, and love what’s here. Why? Because it’s here.

Why not try it? Close your eyes, and place one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Just be present to whatever appears. You are the presence—loving your experience just as it is.

What About You?

What is your experience being at war—and at peace—with feelings? I’d love to hear… And if you’re reading this by email, please click here to go to GailBrenner.com and to comment.

Always in love,

Gail