Blog - Dr. Gail Brenner

Did You Ever Think That Fear Could Improve Your Life?

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“Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

Fear. We might as well get used to it, even learn to love it. Fear is a natural part of being human, a normal emotion. The more we know about fear the better, because knowledge is king. When we turn to face it, to become familiar with it and stop running away, fear loses its power over us. Do you want to control yourself, or do you want to be a victim to fear? It’s as simple as that.

In the comments to a recent post, Wisdom Conquers Fear, reader Marie (thanks, Marie!) posed a provocative question. She writes,

“I wonder if you could say a few more words about when and how to actually listen to and heed the messages of a particular fear, how to work with the wisdom behind a fear and when instead it is best not to let a fear constrain you. When do I throw caution to the wind and go for it and trust it will work out vs. modulating my action based on the concerns of a fear?”

What I love about this question is that it suggests there is something to be learned from fear. And there is. But let’s start at the beginning.

A Brief Primer on Fear

The capacity to feel afraid is built into our DNA. We are wired for survival, and when that survival is threatened, the brain goes on alert and the nervous system is aroused. This is known as the fight or flight reaction. We humans add an interpretation to this physiological response and the context it arises in, labeling it as fear. So this is what fear is: physical symptoms and a label formulated in the mind.

Feeling threatened and going into fight or flight makes perfect sense if you are a gazelle being chased by a cheetah. But what if you are afraid of being left by your lover or missing a deadline? You might react by trying to think your way out of the situation, but the fundamental physiological reaction and tendency toward fight or flight is no different than that of the gazelle’s.

Beyond Survival

Yet we all know we are greater than our animalistic nature. We are blessed with the capability to dream, to long for a fulfilling life and to be fulfilled. We can have access to an inner knowing. We are creative and intelligent. We savor awe, wonder, and delight.

These experiences are beyond survival. They are in the realm of expansiveness and actualization. Whereas survival is limited to the physical body, these transcendent experiences are limitless and eternal. We might call them spiritual.

Fear is Your Friend

So here is the conundrum. We are in a physical body that feels fear, yet we want so much more than the fear affords us. We are afraid of not surviving, yet we yearn to thrive beyond measure.

If we ignore the yearning and give in to fear, we end up in despair and disillusionment, thinking there must be more to life. We are right – there is! And if we ignore fear, it still controls us.

If fear is present but we want to express our full potential, there is only one solution: to know fear. Only then can we choose our heart’s desire rather than survival, boundlessness rather than contraction.

Not that there is anything wrong with survival, which is why fear has some valuable things to teach us. Once we see that fear is no longer the mysterious monster we think it is [see How (and Why) to Make Fear Your Friend], the gifts it offers us come to light.

Fear Counteracts Impulsivity

As we have now established, the motive of fear is survival. In its pure form (think terror), fear is paralyzing. It prohibits us from moving forward by impelling the mind to project every possible negative outcome, even though we can’t know what is going to happen until it happens.

Once we relax in the face of fear, we have the option of seeing its value. When we feel afraid, we can press pause and take a breath. Then we realize that fear reminds us to stop, to exercise caution, to look before we leap, to consider alternatives.

Sometimes jumping in is the right thing to do, but by harnessing the power of fear, you can do so with the thoughtfulness and wisdom of a sage.

Is It Fear or Excitement?

What we call fear is a certain physiological reaction – racing heart, bodily tension, sweating, upset stomach – along with a mental and situational interpretation of fear. Experiment with taking away the label of fear. There is a physical response of arousal, but is it fear? You might be surprised. Maybe it is excitement, enthusiasm, or passion.

Look prior to your thoughts that automatically label the emotion of fear. You might discover an overlooked gem that is here to support you.

Fear Inspires Love

If we trace fear back to its source, we will undoubtedly discover a place inside ourselves that feels unloved. Many fears run unconsciously because, at some time during childhood, we didn’t get the love and tenderness we needed when we were afraid or hurting.

The medicine for emotional pain is love. Bring your awareness into your own heart and find the infinite capacity for love. Then let it wash over that young fearful one who lives inside you. Feel it like an endless cascade, over and over.

So many benefits here. You give love, you receive love, you heal. And once the fear is no longer separate from the glorious whole of you, you can mindfully choose the best course of action.

Even though fear is a normal part of the human experience, it doesn’t have to limit or confuse you. Stop, pause, take a breath. Know the physical and mental aspects of fear. Let it slow you down, but not constrain you. See the quality of the energy it brings you. Love it. You have created the space for your luminous self to radiate.

How have you worked with fear? If you’re still afraid of fear, let’s talk. I’d love to hear…

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Do You Want Your Life to Sparkle? Lose Yourself in Truth, Love, and Beauty

mother_daughter Note: This post was originally published as a guest post on The Daily Brainstorm. Also, I enjoyed being interviewed by Hulbert Lee of From Bottom Up about changing habits. If you’d like to listen, please click here.

Truth…love…beauty. Just reading these words clears out the cobwebs. They are like a tap on the shoulder, beckoning us to return to ourselves, to remember that, underneath all the turbulence, we are whole and sane.

Truth…love…beauty. These are essential qualities that reflect right to the core of our being. But they are not esoteric or airy-fairy.

When the chaos of our thoughts settles, the clarity of truth shines through.

When we stop seeking outside ourselves to fulfill our needs, we know love.

When we meet the world without blinders on, we see beauty everywhere.

Without these grounding qualities, we feel alienated and empty. We live our lives by only skimming the surface of what is possible. Our culture pays lip service to their importance, but those of us who are moved to explore them inhabit the outer region of the bell curve. Is that you? When we divest ourselves of the pressures to conform, we step across the threshold to wonders unimagined.

What about infusing your everyday experience with truth, love, and beauty? Find where they resonate inside you, then dive in and explore past the edges of your comfort zone. You just might discover some unexpected treasures that life has in store for you.

From Compulsive Thinking to Truth

“If you could only keep quiet, clear of memories and expectations, you would be able to discern the beautiful pattern of events. It is your restlessness that causes chaos.”
~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Our minds love to be occupied with figuring things out. We plan, analyze, strategize, judge, interpret, ruminate, defend – anything but seeing things as they are. A quiet mind simplifies. The truth without the mental overlay tells us exactly what we need to know. If we are willing. Would you like to be more aligned with truth? Consider these:

Become familiar with your patterns of thinking that keep you from seeing things accurately. When you feel them revving up to divert you away from truth, take a breath, and be curious enough to stay present.
Investigate everything you assume to be true to see if it is actually true, thought by thought.
Tell the truth in your daily life. Be honest in your words and actions.
Eliminate pretending, faking, lying, fooling yourself, and shading the truth.
Discern what you know and what you don’t know. Become comfortable in the realm of not knowing. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid response to any question.
Be authentic in your life decisions. Have the courage to clean up your life so that every aspect of it expresses your truth.

From Need to Love

“The longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your head to your heart.”
~ Andrew Bennett

We look for love in all the wrong places. While we are busy thinking that what we have is not sufficient, we fail to see the riches that are already here. Whether we are seeking approval, recognition, or the love of a partner, in any moment, we can stop the charade of lack and turn our attention to the overflowing abundance of now. Here’s how:

Challenge your conditioned tendencies to believe that something is missing or that you are not enough.
Do what brings you joy and fulfillment.
Remember that you are grateful. Let appreciation permeate your everyday existence.
Be kind in your words and actions – toward yourself and everyone else.
Orient toward giving as well as receiving.
Know that the little things count – a lot. Be an activist for love.
Consider the possibility that nothing is separate from anything else, that the division we perceive is an illusion, that love is the fabric of life.

From Blind to Beauty

“I feel an indescribable ecstasy and delirium in melting, as it were, into the system of being, in identifying myself with the whole of nature..”
~Jean Jacques Rousseau

When we view the world through our stories, beliefs, and ideas, we mistake the extraordinary for the ordinary. Our minds convince us that life is repetitive and mundane. Same old, same old. In truth, reality is always fresh. Life is bursting with possibility, creating itself anew in every moment. There is unspeakable beauty endlessly showing up on our doorstep. Can you see it?

Learn to recognize all the ways you shield yourself from experiencing reality directly. (Hint: It’s usually our minds and feelings that take us away.)
Slow it down. Notice everyone and everything as if for the first time, in detail.
Use all five senses to experience the truth of the moment.
Be mindful during even the most mundane tasks.
Don’t take anything for granted.
Recognize what remains when you stop judging, labeling, and categorizing.

When we get out of our own way, what do we discover? Truth, love, and beauty – right here at the core of our being. Embody these qualities. Live them. Lose yourself in them. It’s the most compelling choice you could ever make.

Note: This post was inspired by the teachings of Francis Lucille.

What have you discovered about living in truth, love, and beauty? I’d love to hear…

Wisdom Conquers Fear

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In every moment of our lives, we have a choice – to be constrained by fear or to live freely. It’s the difference between being ruled by the head or the heart, adhering to limits or opening ourselves to infinite possibility.

Fear is the #1 deterrent to actualizing a fulfilling, creative, and generally awesome life. Not that there is anything wrong with fear. It’s a natural human emotion that looks out for us by protecting, guiding, and keeping things safe. And sometimes that’s just what we need.

But when fear is in control and our thinking is limited, we are playing it small. Whether we are aware of it or not, we inhabit a self-defined box labeled “same,” while ignoring the possibility of what is new, different, and potentially hugely satisfying.

Our inner wisdom is always nudging us in the direction of bigger, freer, and more expansive. It shows up in unconventional ways – the random thought about what you would love to be doing, the sense of excitement that appears from nowhere, the “Yes!” you feel when you engage with an idea, person, activity, or situation. It may also whisper the truth about what is not working in your life.

Inner Wisdom Triggers Fear

Inner wisdom pushing toward the surface is a signal for fear to go on alert. When we are guided to change, to move out of our comfort zone, to test the waters of the unknown, the part of us that is wired to survive feels threatened. It’s like the inner sentry has just cocked their rifles, ready to defend against the enemy.

Bringing our fear out into the light of day is essential if we want to create the space for our gifts and passions to be expressed. And understanding our inner wisdom helps to liberate it. Learn to navigate these seemingly discordant paths and fear will lose its power over you.

Get to Know Fear

Although fear can diminish with time, it is unlikely to disappear altogether. Think of coping with fear as a lifestyle. The goal of getting to know fear is not to eliminate it, but to become aware of it so it can be recognized and understood. It may arise a million more times, but when you are open to working with it rather than hiding from it, you can begin to find your way through with a modicum of ease.

When fear is triggered, here is what happens:

Our minds formulate every possible (and not so possible) negative outcome so that we don’t move forward.
We have thoughts filled with self-doubt – I can’t, I couldn’t, I shouldn’t.
We feel tense and nervous.
We worry.
We might feel sick.
We don’t want to take a risk.
We feel paralyzed, afraid to make a move.
We want to linger in familiar territory.
We want to remain in control.

The experience of fear is all about protecting us from the unknown. It is ironic that fear wants us to stay on familiar ground, even if the life situation or thought pattern we play out isn’t serving us. But something in us knows when the time is ripe to let go of the old.

Get to Know Inner Wisdom

When we listen to the inner voice inside us that speaks the truth, we are invited – or compelled – to step out into the unknown, to take a risk, to try something new. The wisdom that comes through us is about growth and possibility, rather than survival. It isn’t concerned with safety or protection. It doesn’t understand the language of limits. It is endlessly creative because it has no interest in the mind structures that clamp down our thinking.

Fear of risk? Self-doubt? The need to feel in control? These have no meaning to the boundless nature of our inner wisdom.

If you dip your toe into the waters of your true voice, be prepared to meet the experience of not knowing. Recognize that you simply don’t know. Then wait, surrender, trust. When the truth of not knowing becomes real to you, you realize that anything is possible. Ideas you never would have considered pop into your mind. Chance encounters open doors to amazing opportunities. Help and support come from everywhere.

Fear is a valid experience that is common to life as a human. If we let our inner wisdom speak, fear is bound to arise. When it does, don’t freak out. Take a breath. Be curious about what it’s like and how it affects you. Receive it in an ocean of kindness. Let all the stories from your past that keep it in place unravel.

Turn toward your experience of fear and honor it. Then turn away from the ways it holds you back. Your inner wisdom is tapping you on the shoulder right in this moment. Are you willing to listen?

Fear…inner wisdom. What is your experience with navigating these paths? I’d love to hear…

Are You Brave Enough to Go the Distance for Happiness?

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Note: This is the last in a series of posts about living an aware, awake life. Here are the links to the series:

Even though the series is over, the delights and challenges of inhabiting our lives completely, of living as aliveness itself, of surrendering into the flow of life continue. And I happily continue to share with you the tools and insights that have supported me along the way.

“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.”
~Deepak Chopra

Are you ready for the next level of clarity and happiness? Would you like your daily life to be more peaceful and sane? Well, here is the good news: the clues are all around you.

For, as the saying goes, what we do to others, we do to ourselves.

It Always Comes Down to You

Take any reaction you have toward someone else, any desire you have for the other to change. Turn it around and see that the source of it, and the potential resolution, is within you. Remember that common break-up line, “It’s not you, it’s me?” Well, I’m here to tell you – it’s always you. Our thoughts and feelings originate within us and are never caused by someone else.

Can you see how freeing this is? We let go of the impossible – trying to control other people’s behavior – and we look within ourselves to untangle our own reactions. Once we do, we simply aren’t triggered as much. Our contentment is not dependent on what other people do or say.

Several years ago, I had a lightbulb moment that changed everything. I was driving down a street, and ahead of me was a high-end BMW with a vanity license plate. Immediately, a judging thought appeared in my mind about the car’s owner. Then, by some stroke of grace, I got the full extent of the impact of that thought. It was not at all about the other person. Not only did it bring disharmony to me in that moment, but it fed divisiveness and separation.

It was not how I wanted to be, and it didn’t serve me or anyone else.

The Truth About Our Reactions

Avoiding our own problems by focusing on the other is intrinsic to our culture. People who run countries and corporations rarely take responsibility for themselves. They look to others to satisfy their demands and expectations, which is one reason our world is in so much trouble. The most intelligent, compassionate thing we can do is start by looking within ourselves. Where are you still struggling? Here are some hints.

When we lie to others, we are betraying ourselves.
When we hide from others, we are hiding from ourselves.
When we reject others, we are rejecting a part of ourselves.
When we judge others, we feed inner division.
When we are defensive toward others, we are blind to our own pain.
When we blame others, we pretend we aren’t part of the solution.
When we are heartless toward others, we miss that our own hearts are closed.

Any reaction we have toward another is a signal, a neon light, to remind us to turn our attention toward ourselves. Do you find yourself frustrated or fed up, lonely or lacking? Turn your attention inward to explore your own thoughts and feelings. I guarantee you will discover the kernel of truth that will set you free.

Overcoming Obstacles to Inner Reflection

Disconnection from our inner selves runs rampant in our society. Here are some reasons why:

We are overstimulated by input which draws our attention outward.
We resist being quiet and still.
We are afraid of what we might find out about ourselves.
We think that being vulnerable is weak.
We don’t know how to handle strong emotions.
We are afraid of our feelings.

If you want to nourish happiness and peace, if you want to express your light rather than your shadow, set upon a course to dispel these obstacles, with love. Start by being compassionate toward yourself. Then, find quiet time. Learn to meditate. Question your beliefs. Take the plunge and face your emotions. Get to know how your triggers work, and lovingly embrace all the hurting parts of yourself. If you need help, contact a therapist, guide, or teacher.

The Choice to Pay Attention

It all boils down to what we want. How do you want to live your life? What do you want to offer to the world?

The answers are not in vague ideas or broad brushstrokes. Pay attention to the moments of your life, because that is where the answers are. Notice all the sticky places – the places of disillusionment, settling, and despair. The tensions in your body, the reactions so familiar that you take them for granted.

Get a hold of yourself. Know that you will not find the ease you seek by changing other people. People do what they do – that is their job, and it is out of your control. Have the courage to take a stand for what is most important to you. Then continually open your heart to all the tender places in you.

Only you hold the key to your freedom.

How do you avoid yourself? What have you learned from reflecting inward?

image: Thomas Perkins

A Brief Guide to the Power of Love

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Note: This is the third in a series of posts to inspire and support awakened living. The first post asked, “Is Your Deepest Longing a Part-Time Hobby?,” and the second post addressed the value of studying our habits.

“Put away all hindrances, let your mind full of love pervade one quarter of the world, and so too the second quarter, and so the third, and so the fourth. And thus the whole wide world, above, below, around and everywhere, altogether continue to pervade with love-filled thought, abounding, sublime beyond measure, free from hatred and ill-will.”
~Buddha

This is not a post about loving yourself, as that is impossible. You can’t love what you already are. But some parts of us were left out when this understanding was passed around. You know them – the hurts, fears, and defenses we cling to. When we are sucked in by them, we feel anything but love.

If you want to awaken to your brilliance, here’s what you need to know: love heals.

The Antidote to Suffering

Love is the healing balm, the medicine for all ills, the great equalizer. When we are peaceful and open, when our hearts quiver in recognition when we meet each other. The culprit? Love.

It is true: we can stop all our struggles dead in their tracks, then we are free. Flood them with love – every time. These “pretend” parts of ourselves – the ones that think we are limited and unworthy – they just can’t survive the power of love. Once they are seen and embraced, they melt back into their source, and wholeness is realized once again.

Notice Love Everywhere

The starting point for this practice is to notice your natural open-heartedness. When you look, you will find it everywhere.

What are you grateful for?
Who do you feel close to?
When do you give effortlessly?
What makes you feel tender and compassionate?
When does your heart sing with joy?

The commonality in all of these experiences is love. When we let the objects go – the thing we are grateful for, the situation that brings joy – we meet in the infinite oneness of love. Right now, can you sense it? It’s so real.

The more we recognize all the faces of love, the more it becomes our experience. Do you want to be peaceful and happy? Notice it, inhabit it, play in it, drown in it. Remember the ease of effortless being.

Offer Love Where It Was Once Denied

Then, in the midst of this vast, loving space, the seemingly wounded places within ourselves pop up in our everyday lives – the habitual strategies and defensive postures. They feel dense and confining. When under their spell, we try so hard to be satisfied and fulfilled, yet wonder why we end up feeling alienated and resigned.

Each rigid belief system, each grudge and tender feeling exist because there was a time in our lives when love was denied. We didn’t have the strength, understanding, or support to feel our painful emotions. They split off from the whole, hidden outside our awareness, trying to help but longing for resolution.

All it takes is love. Where the body is contracted or vacant, flood it with love. When difficult feeling states appear, let them be immersed in it. Let it flow through your brain to touch every expectation and judgment, every sad story that won’t stop repeating, every thought that doesn’t serve you or anyone else.

In the moment of suffering, then love overflowing, the edges wither and the hard nut of the pain dissolves. Really. Can a leaf stay attached to a tree in the face of a tsunami? The power of true loving awareness truly heals.

If love is the medicine, here are the risks. A glorious life beyond your wildest dreams. Happiness beyond measure. Intimacy that is closer than close.

Do you want relief from suffering? Love heals. What are you waiting for?

image: Alyssa Miller

Why Studying Your Habits Pays Off Immeasurably

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Note: This is the second in a series of posts to inspire and support awakened living. The first post asked, “Is Your Deepest Longing a Part-Time Hobby?”

“The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Habits can be pesky little things, as you might have noticed. Before we realize it, we are embroiled in a conversation or thinking pattern that takes us down a road we prefer not to be traveling. We feel out of control, propelled by mysterious forces that make us question our sanity. We ask ourselves, “How did I end up here – again?”

I recently spoke with a friend whose mind was flooding her with harsh self-criticism. She just didn’t get it. She related how the past few months had rolled by with ease, and now this. Whatever your habit – food, alcohol, argumentativeness, obsessive thinking, self-criticism – you might notice that you are well into playing it out before you know it. It’s almost like being possessed.

We Need to Study Our Habits

So how do we get ourselves back? How do we regain a semblance of control so that we stop hurting ourselves? Get out the microscope.

Many of our patterns are so ingrained in us we don’t even realize we are doing them. The medicine is to become acutely aware of every aspect of them. Only then can we let them go. We become so familiar with them that we see them rearing their little heads – and when we do, we can choose differently.

The Fruits of the Analysis

You might be amazed when you begin to gain awareness of your patterns. Once I crossed the threshold to wanting to know everything about my experience, I realized that I was meeting much of my life with a fear response. When I put my reactions under the microscope, I saw a pulling in of the breath and a physical movement back and away. It was like a lion had just appeared in my path. Somehow I was reacting as if everything was threatening me.

This was quite a revelation. I had no idea the extent to which fear was driving me. But once I did, I was able to befriend the fear and untie the knots in my thinking that were keeping me boxed in. My awareness was so precise that I was able to go right to the root – fear – rather than playing out a pattern that left me feeling confused and unhappy. Then, just like dominoes toppling, many subtle tendencies started to unravel.

Can you see the power of penetrating awareness? When we place our habits under the microscope, we get to know them so completely that they can’t play out unconsciously anymore. Awareness is the get-out-of-jail-free card. It is the pathway to sanity.

The How-To Guide

If you want a sane, relaxed, drama-free life, put on a lab coat, and study your habits. Here’s how.

Press pause. When we stop our habits mid-stream, we immediately get some distance from them. This distance is essential to studying them. We step back and observe. We are witnessing what happens without being identified. Think of a specimen under the microscope. Be curious.
Proceed in slow-mo. Ssssllllloooowww it down. Start at the beginning or backtrack from the place you first become aware. Break it down into each step. Remember, you are focusing on your internal response – thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, pictures that appear in your mind. Know your habit so well that you could teach someone else to act it out.
Discover the root. Keep peeling the layers until you find that very first reaction. To find it, ask, “What else? What is under that?” This reaction is likely to be subtle, so take your time. It might be a physical response, like the drawing in of breath I described above, or an emotion or thoughts.
Give yourself love. Be so kind and compassionate toward yourself during this process. Welcome in whatever you find with a loving heart. We heal inner division, those cut off and hidden places in ourselves, with love. It works every time.
Connect with your inner wise one. Once the pattern is known so completely, it stops running like a madman. The emotional agitation and dramatic stories quiet down, making space for wisdom to arise. When you aren’t propelled by unseen forces, you might be surprised at the clarity that emerges.
Once is not nearly enough. The key to dissolving a habit is to work with it every time it arises. There is no goal, no such thing as a finished product. The habit appears in the moment, you study it, and it stops driving you. Every time. The more vigilant you are, the more willing you are to develop steady awareness, the deeper the possibility of being free.

A Concrete Example

Habits still come up in me, like the one this morning, for example. My schedule is already full, but someone asked me to add something to it. I immediately feel tension in my body. I physically lean back and my breathing gets shallow. I notice negative thoughts (“I can’t”), followed by more thoughts scrambling to figure out how to manage everything.

Then I realize, “Oh, I’m afraid.” I breathe into the fear, relax with it, bring compassion and understanding to it. As it subsides, I have the space to decide the best course of action. Calmly.

As the fear continues to come in waves, I ride it out with ease every time. That’s it. No endpoint, no goal. Simply being wise and loving with my own experience so that I am not controlled by it.

Next time a habit catches you, get out the microscope. Know yourself so well that your driving emotions have no place to hide. Inhabit your awareness – it is your true home. Be joyful, intelligent, and relaxed in the moments of your life.

What have you learned by studying your habits? What are the obstacles to studying them? I’d love to hear…

Is Your Deepest Longing a Part-Time Hobby?

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“Being a warrior is not about the act of fighting. It’s about the ability, courage, and commitment to end the war within oneself and not quit until the job is done.”
~Richard Machowicz

Note: This is the first in a series of posts to inspire and support everyone in seeing through our so-called lives and awakening to the truth of our actual lives. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting articles that offer perspectives, reflections, and tools to support you along the path. I’ll be happy to answer any questions and walk with you if the going gets tough. I invite you to join the inner revolution – for freedom, full potential, and peace in every moment.

How serious are you about your happiness? Are you a dabbler in your quest for fulfillment? Are you settling for good enough, peaceful enough, confident enough?

If these questions strike a nerve, you probably know, in your heart of hearts, that you’re letting yourself slide. So one more question: are you ripe for taking a giant leap in your journey to be free of conflict, stress, and dissatisfaction?

If so, I am here to support you 100%. For I have discovered that a tremendous power is released when we orient our lives in the direction of truth and clarity in every moment. Yes, every moment, as this is a 24/7 deal.

Dedicate Yourself and See What Happens

This level of dedication bears fruit. When we are willing to allow every moment to teach us how we are still stuck, to guide us into alignment, to discover the “Yes!,” the strong pull from our tendencies subsides, and our natural life, the one we were meant to live, begins to take shape.

What is my evidence? The progression of my own life journey and that of many others who have undertaken the ultimate commitment. Over time, confining belief systems fall away, old stories no longer fit, and triggers have nowhere to land. Circumstances rearrange to allow a life guided by joy, beauty, and love to emerge.

Every Moment Supports Our Awakening

If we take an honest look at what life offers us, we will discover more support than we could ever have imagined. Every moment gives us what we need. Take this one, for example, even though it may not be the most exciting moment of your life. You have been moved to read this post, and it is affecting you in some way. Maybe it inspires, maybe it brings up fear or comparison, maybe you are bored.

Whatever reaction appears is yours to explore. If a desire to act arises, follow it. If your fears need attention, investigate them to see how they control you. If you’re not getting a “Yes!,” turn your attention elsewhere.

It’s that simple. When we pay attention to the truth of the moment, our troublesome patterns are revealed and the next step becomes apparent. Happiness is not conceptual. It is revealed moment-by-moment as the conditioned tendencies that throw us off melt away.

All Habits Need to be Seen

Sounds simple, yes, but it is not always easy. Who among us hasn’t played out patterns we aren’t proud of? In our relationships, we might be needy or argumentative or frightened of closeness. We might carry around baggage that we haven’t had the courage to put down. We place boxes around ourselves about how we are supposed to be, then live in disappointment waiting for life to start.

This is why 24/7 is so important. Our habits are sneaky. They run deep. And they are so familiar to us that we can’t imagine another way. Our job is to see them, to get to know them so well that we can make a choice to not let them carry us. When we are super aware, we realize how we hide from the truth of ourselves – eating, drinking, busyness, “poor me” stories – and we embody the strength to let the truth be seen. We revel in our capacity to listen to the deeper wisdom that invites us to navigate our lives with skill.

Can you see how generous life is? Opportunities abound for our awakening. Every uncomfortable twinge, every nuance of sensation in our bodies is information that can take us to deeper understanding and clarity. The truth is available, revealed in its glory once we take our happiness seriously. 24/7.

Is your deepest longing a part-time hobby? What do you notice when your commitment intensifies? What holds you back from committing? I’d love to hear…

image: striatic

The No-Fail Secret to Reclaiming A Happy Life

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“Life is meant to be enjoyed, not half-lived as a shadow of its potential.”

How do we move from hanging on, making do, compromising ourselves, and trying to be happy to a flourishing life of fulfillment, openness, and peace? When we make deals with ourselves and justify decisions that we just

What is needed is this: turning our attention away from the people and situations of the world and pointing it inward to an investigation of our inner reactions and viewpoints. Finally, we are called to look inside. This 180-degree U-turn shines the light on the underlying belief systems we carry into our lives and project onto events and relationships. As we weed the garden of our inner lives, we prepare the soil for vital seeds to flourish.

Enjoy Your Life

The purpose of working through problems is to allow our natural radiance to shine through. Problems are veils that hide our true self. They can show up in our lives in many ways: relationship struggles, symptoms such as anxiety and depression, challenging life circumstances of any kind, difficulty quitting smoking or losing weight, being unclear about our life direction.

We know that our natural radiance is freely expressed when we are aware of any of these qualities: joy, inner peace, happiness, well-being, openness, love, gratitude, compassion, receptivity, clarity, quiet mind.

When we are at ease, we enjoy our lives. We are receptive to whatever happens, and we respond appropriately. Even when we are challenged by life, we don’t get lost. Peace remains undisturbed.

Veils that Hide Your Natural Self

When we are caught in a conditioned pattern of thinking, feeling, or behaving, we experience dis-ease, frustration, and unhappiness. Signs that you are stuck in a habit are:

Resistance to what is happening, wanting things to be different than they are
Blaming the other
Feeling like a victim
Denying/ignoring/pretending
Too much doing, busyness; unable to be still
Unhealthy behaviors
General unhappiness or dissatisfaction
Self-criticism
Spinning in thoughts and mental stories
Believing you are right or believing you are wrong
Feelings such as fear, anger, shame, defiance, sadness
Helping too much; unable to say “no”

Do you recognize any of these?

Unraveling Automatic Habits

Automatic, ineffective habits of thinking and behaving are asking for our attention. Paradoxical as it may seem, the very existence of these patterns is the doorway to releasing them. When patterns play out unconsciously, they invariably cause suffering to ourselves and those around us. Once they are seen in the light of conscious awareness, they relax and let go of their hold on us.

By bringing our full attention to the thoughts, feelings, and body sensations we experience when we are triggered, the patterns tend to lose their drive and fall away naturally. Your loving attention is the true medicine for suffering. If you continually work with these habits as suggested here, you will feel less reactive and be able to respond to situations in your life with greater ease. There are few guarantees in life, but this is one of them.

This process uses all of your experience to support you in ending self-sabotage and living in freedom.

Keys to Freedom

Essential qualities required: openness to change, flexibility, curiosity, willing to explore your inner world.
Become aware of the pattern. Be mindful. Do this by developing an inner neutral witness that can observe your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Be curious, like an explorer, to see how the pattern develops and operates. Becoming aware is the moment of celebration. Now, you can make a conscious choice rather than being stuck in a habit.
Exclude nothing; welcome everything. Be receptive to all of your experience – body sensations, emotions, thoughts, energies. Create an open, loving space in your inner awareness, and welcome whatever arises. Abandon all stories, and allow the bare experience as it occurs in the moment. You might notice that when these experiences are allowed to be, the drive or pressure behind them reduces, and they no longer trap you.
See all situations in your life as a gift. As Byron Katie says, they are being offered for you, not to you. Every situation, every moment can be used as an opportunity to free yourself from conditioned patterns. By consciously investigating what is constraining you, the patterns release. You are open and alive. Say “Yes!” to every moment, without resisting, and you are free!
Continually inquire: What is my inner experience? What is asking for my attention? What is my inner guidance asking of me? What is needed? How can I take better care of myself? Live in this receptivity, no matter how many times a pattern or emotion arises. Things come and go of their own accord; our job is only to be lovingly present with what is.

Living in Renewal

Live the moments of your life with ease.

Take a few moments every day to relax and be quiet.
Eat well, exercise, and appreciate your loved ones.
Laugh, have fun, enjoy yourself.
Focus on your strengths and on what is working in your life.
Do what supports your well-being; let go of what brings you suffering. So simple.
Allow yourself to experience pleasure in all forms.

What have you discovered about living A Flourishing Life? What blocks you? I’d love to hear….

Generosity Unleashed – Everywhere

rose shower

“Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing respect that you carry wherever you go right now?”
~William Stafford

Generosity. It’s a word with a beautiful rhythm that glides off the tongue. Even saying it feels like an offering.

Generosity flows naturally from a full and open heart. In those moments when we are free of mental traps and emotional triggers, when we are deeply peaceful, generosity effortlessly tumbles out of us and spreads in all directions. We just cannot help expressing love in every word and gesture.

But somehow, in this love fest, we exclude ourselves. This is an error in understanding. In our minds, we separate ourselves from the whole. In our hearts, we feel selfish and undeserving when we pay attention to what we need. Our inner world is mean and harsh. These are conditioned tendencies – not unadulterated truth – that result in needless suffering.

The Value of Exploring Habits

Odd as it may sound, I am not advocating that you start taking better care of yourself. As regular readers of this blog know, my only interest is in telling the truth about what is actually real. When mental patterns undermine our happiness and drive us to run ourselves to exhaustion, we are being called to peer into these habits, to see what they are actually made of.

Whether or not our behavior changes is a side effect, although the outcome is likely to be greater happiness and better self-care. But these changes emerge easily from the abundance of an open heart and not from another item on the to-do list.

How We Hurt Ourselves

Asking how we can be more generous toward ourselves is helpful. Ultimately, however, we need to untangle the programming that prompts us to deplete and deprive ourselves. Do any of these resonate with you?

I attack myself in my thoughts.
I judge myself for what I feel or what I do (or don’t do).
I shame myself.
I force myself to stay busy.
I pressure myself to be different than I am.
I feel undeserving.
I place expectations on myself.
I ignore my basic needs.

These are clearly not indicative of the inner life that reflects generosity.

We learn unsupportive habits when we are young. They serve a purpose – to motivate and protect us. Take “I shame myself” as an example. For some people, the goal of this thought is to motivate them to take actions that will win the approval of others. And if they are approved of, they will feel loved and happy. Self-criticism can protect us from taking a risk that might lead to failure.

Chained to Habits

Our need for these habits may have expired years ago, yet we continue to be constrained by them. I’ve heard about how baby elephants are trained not to wander. First, they are chained to a large tree, and they learn that they cannot escape the chain. Over time, they are switched to a smaller chain and tree, eventually needing only a string around their neck tied to a thin branch. Of course, the elephants could walk away, but the conditioning is so ingrained that it becomes their reality.

Just like elephants, we become imprisoned by our habits – until we make the choice to investigate them. We find that what seemed real virtually dissolves under scrutiny. And what is revealed is a supremely generous heart waiting patiently for the space to overflow.

Natural Self-Care

When we understand our habits and how they affect us, they soften their grip. The compulsion to act them out diminishes. We begin to experiment by taking steps out of our comfort zone. We open with wonder to newfound freedom and revel in the possibility to be moved by a heart that wishes us happiness, health, and well being.

As we begin to listen to our needs and desires, we discover the people, activities, and environments we are drawn to and those we prefer to avoid. We become sensitive to ourselves and move through our outmoded patterns so we can act from love. Kindness flows; compassion flourishes. We blow the ceiling off our capacity for pleasure and good feeling. We are willing to:

Rest
Relax
Take care of our bodies
Forgive ourselves and others
Stop the fight with our emotions

And we are tremendously gentle with the residue that remains from our habits.

Our nature is generosity, and our conditioning stems the flow. When these conditioned patterns are seen through to their root, we recognize that we are included in the whole – we are part of life. There is no separation between self and other, and generosity is unleashed – everywhere.

How to Stop Stumbling Blindly Through Life

leaping_man “Everything comes to us that belongs to us if we create the capacity to receive it.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

Have you ever had an epiphany – a moment that changes everything? The clouds part, and our path becomes crystal clear.

This recently happened to my friend, Angela, in an unlikely circumstance. Much to her surprise, the outcome of grieving the loss of her beloved dog has sparked a tremendous natural uprising of kindness that is permeating every area of her life. It’s the type of kindness that comes from pure empathy, the recognition of the one heart that dissolves all separation. She virtually glowed as she shared with me her dedication to allowing this newfound realization of kindness to transform her whole way of being.

The Power of Commitment

I love those moments when we have an epiphany that changes everything. The clouds part, and our path becomes crystal clear. When we are inspired to make the commitment to live our lives according to what we truly want, to what seems undeniably obvious, we find ourselves facing the unknown with the exit door closed and locked behind us. For Angela, it was the commitment to kindness. For me, it was an unceasing quest to understand the truth about reality.

A commitment of this level stokes the inner fire like nothing else. We stop pretending that our true desire doesn’t matter, and we devote ourselves entirely to it. Inevitably, old ways of being will fall away, and we will be tested. Like the shoot of a flower emerging out of the earth, we step into the unknown full of possibility.

The commitment can be to anything – kindness, truth, health and well being, forgiveness, freedom from the inner critic, mindful communication. At this moment in your evolution, what do you commit to?

This path of deep commitment is exceedingly supportive, showering us with gifts, if we use it well. It commands us:

To be conscious in the moments of our lives,
To choose skillfully,
To investigate how we turn away, and
To resolve to stay true.

We shift from going through the motions like an automaton to intelligence, wisdom, and alignment. Try it out and see what wonders are set in motion in your precious life.

The Fire to Live Consciously

Life is a constant stream moving through us, layered with life circumstances and inner reactions. When we live an uncommitted life, we fall victim to these experiences as long as they remain unexamined. We feel confused and anchorless.

Committing to a path, value, or intention is like an alarm clock going off in the middle of the night. We are shaken awake and asked to become conscious. Rather than stumbling through life, we realize that we can be present for it and truly live. We let go of filters that color our perceptions, and see clearly what is actually arising in the moment. Oh, this feeling, this interaction. So much intimacy with everything is revealed.

We stop living on the surface and come to appreciate that unconsciousness has kept us from experiencing feelings, sensations, tenderness, and compassion. What we experience may not always be comfortable, but we awaken to our lives. Only then do we contact the possibility of realizing our heart’s desire.

The Fire to Choose

The outgrowth of becoming conscious is the capacity to choose. We begin to notice when we blindly go astray, and in that noticing realize the possibility of making choices. It dawns on us that we can actually make a decision infused with our deepest intention.

This is how habits change. At first, we don’t realize that we are actually making a choice about what we think, feel, or do. Behavior seems to occur; thinking patterns appear and proliferate. Once consciousness ignites, we recognize that our actions have been fueled by unseen fear and lack. We contemplate the possibility of considering what we actually want and allowing the choice to flow from this generous, healthy, bountiful place.

This is a revelation! We can actually unwind our conditioned patterns enough so that we are no longer victimized by them. It’s just like waking up to ourselves. We can experience the moments of our lives stable in the understanding that we are aware and alive. We can be free of unconscious motivations and pulls. We can be guided from the most intelligent place inside of us.

The Fire to Investigate

Making a commitment with both feet in opens the doorway to any feelings we may have been avoiding. We live unconsciously in the hopes of hiding from painful emotions. In the commitment to stay true to something , the automatic habits come to an end, and the energy that has been driving them has space to surface.

This is where the rubber meets the road. If we are to live the intention or value that is most important to us, we need to be fully aware of all the programming that diverts us. This might mean befriending fear, welcoming inadequacy, or leaning into long-standing sorrow, then learning how these feelings generate behavioral patterns that keep us stuck and unhappy. The more we know how these dynamics work, the greater the chance of being able to make a different choice when they arise.

The process of making a commitment to a true intention reveals its opposite. In Angela’s longing to deepen in kindness, she began to realize all the subtle ways she had been harsh. My quest for truth unveiled false identities and roles that held me back. Compassion spills over as we recognize the misguided ways we try to protect and care for ourselves. And this clarity shows us that only love and how it guides us makes any sense.

The Fire to Stay True

No doubt, we are tested when we make the choice to stand in our own truth. According to legend, in the days following the Buddha’s enlightenment, the demon, Mara, showed up to entice him with visions of beautiful women.

Mara represents the temptation to give into our conditioned habits and ignore our deepest longings. When we commit to a path, Mara will most likely arrive for a visit. These trials are nature’s way of testing our resolve, and their function is to inspire us to stay true to our commitment.

Commitments are powerful – and necessary to withstand the enticements of our familiar patterns.

Vowing to live in our own fundamental truth opens up a whole new way of being. Once the fire is lit, no matter how hard we try, we just cannot stay the same. When we put the old behind us and step out into the realm of possibility, we have set the stage for wonders to happen.

Have you made a commitment to something that is important to you? How has it affected you? I’d love to hear…

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