Blog - Dr. Gail Brenner

How Do You Resist? Let Me Count the Ways

“No feeling is final.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

Are you feeling stuck, out of sorts, disconnected? Are you plagued by addiction or gripped by compulsions or fear? If so, it’s a guarantee that you are resisting a part of your experience.

How do I know? Our natural state is this: clear, whole, loving, peaceful, and happy. It is the source of all our desires and the truth that we long for. It is who we are, closer than close.

In our natural state, we open to all experiences equally. We don’t avoid or suppress. When we seem to be out of touch with the essence of ourselves, we must be denying a feeling or allowing ourselves to be derailed by a belief or expectation.

When these experiences are met with love and understanding, our natural state shines through unimpeded.

Our Natural State – No Resistance

Have you ever felt completely at peace? Maybe it happened in the arms of a lover, on a walk in the woods on a bright summer day, or over coffee with a friend. Maybe it occurred when you were a child or yesterday. Maybe, like me, these episodes of deep contentment spring forth from seemingly nowhere.

At moments like these, there is no resistance. Everything is welcomed as it is, without pushing anything away. The war has ended, and you have put down your arms.

Unexamined Experiences – Resistance

But if there is disturbance, if there is an unexamined ripple or wave in the depth of you, then you are resisting. You have come to blows within yourself. A feeling or sensation in your body is appearing, and you are saying, “No!”

It’s a kind of violence. You are fighting reality, evading the present moment, cutting off a tender part of you. You are choosing separation out of fear, while turning away from the possibility of peace.

Some of us live a great portion of our lives in resistance. We are in deep – addicted to substances or work or obsessive thinking. We are afraid to be quiet or alone. We wonder why the same problems keep occurring.

Know How You Resist

We begin to untangle these areas of dissatisfaction by first recognizing how we resist, then gradually meeting the fragments of ourselves we have been avoiding.

So how do you resist?

Are you defensive, hesitant to take responsibility and admit when you have made a mistake or hurt someone?
Do you compulsively drink or shop, text or gossip?
Are you too busy or preoccupied to be present with the people in your life?
Do you worry, judge,criticize, or blame?
Do you need to control or be controlled?
Are you living in a mind filled with harsh and negative thoughts?

Think of yourself as an actor on a stage playing the same role over and over. You know the words and feelings so much by heart that you express them automatically without considering their origin.

But if you look behind these roles and defenses, worlds open up.

What Is Your Backstory?

No child is equipped to deal with strong feelings, and many adults don’t know how to honor the emotional life of their children. When we experience feelings as children, we often don’t have the support or know the tools to process and release them.

The most adaptive response is to send the feelings underground. We push them out of conscious awareness because they are too overwhelming to handle.

And, as a result, we develop strategies to keep them hidden. We spin stories in our minds, try to control the uncontrollable, and engage in unhealthy behaviors, all habits driven by these powerful unconscious feelings.

From Resistance to Peace

The end of resistance is the beginning of healing. Little by little, we turn and directly meet these fragmented parts of ourselves. We let go of the story about our experience, and we welcome in the feelings and physical sensations just as they are.

As psychologist Brené Brown says, we find beauty in our vulnerability. We unearth the source of the problem so it can be met with compassion. We let the unseen be seen, the disenfranchised invited in like a long-lost friend. We bring light to the dark places with so much tenderness.

Over time, we begin to notice that we feel whole, happy, and free. We are less reactive and more available. Moments of peace appear.

Find out how you resist. Let the impact of this resistance land in you, then open into yourself. Welcome every tension and contraction endlessly. Your habits will lose their fuel and begin to dissolve. And you will know yourself as the peace that you are.

Are you aware of how you resist? What happens when you let go of resisting? I’d love to hear…

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Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams

“Phoenix rising from the ashes.” This phrase popped into my head recently, and I wasn’t sure why until I did the research. As the story goes, the phoenix is a mythical bird with fiery plumage that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of its life, it settles in to its nest of twigs which then burns ferociously, reducing bird and nest to ashes. And from those ashes, a fledgling phoenix rises – renewed and reborn.

And now I get it. This is the story of my life in the past few months – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presented me with some challenging circumstances that left me just hanging on. And now, sanity has returned. I look out with fresh eyes. The fog has lifted, and the dark clouds have moved on.

My experience is not unique – it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey. But this was my time, and I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned along the way.

Resistance is natural

When life threw me a curve, I longed for the turmoil to be over with. I wanted to pick myself up and move on. I tried hard to create a plan, to know what I didn’t know, to gain control. I was so busy trying to make things happen that I overlooked what was actually happening.

I ignored my feelings and resisted the present moment. Yes, me, the one who writes about welcoming all of our experience with a loving, open heart. I was doing everything but.

Finally, I realized my approach wasn’t working. I stopped trying. I let myself be frustrated and impatient. I admitted that there was so much I didn’t know, and I let go of figuring it all out. Life was messy, so I suspended my fruitless attempts to clean it up.

And this was the beginning of the fire, as there was space for feelings and reactions to surface.

Things happen in their own time

When I look back I see that I had very little control over what happened. The seasons of my experience had to run their course – severe winter storms, cold and darkness, then the seeds hidden from view beginning to sprout (very exciting!). The best I could do was ride the waves, which I did with varying degrees of success.

Forgetting and remembering joy

When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent. Everything weighed like a heavy burden, all my activities felt like obligations. When I realized that I had forgotten joy, I created a “want-to-do” list. Every time I found myself wandering around in a fog, my job was to pull out the list and do something enjoyable or productive. I organized closets and took walks, finally starting to see the beauty around me.

And I focused on others – being a good friend, showing up for someone in need.

My self-care didn’t suffer. My diet stayed healthy, and I kept up with yoga. But some people going through hard times can benefit from paying special attention to the basics of daily living – good diet, exercise, limited alcohol.

Staying close to the bone

Things started to shift when I made the commitment to find direction in my moment-to moment experience. The big picture was way too nebulous, but I realized that in each moment there was a kernel of truth, a clarity, a “yes” that showed me my next step.

I recognized that this guidance had been there all along, but I was too caught up in trying to find solutions to see it. When I let go of paying so much attention to the stories running through my mind, of trying to control, of avoiding strong feelings, much to my surprise, I found the groundedness I was looking for – the truth in every moment.

Support was essential

At the beginning, I was going it alone, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Eventually, I reached out, allowing the vulnerability of asking for support. It came in so many beautiful, unexpected ways, but I had to let people know I needed it. And a few sessions with a therapist offered some very useful insights.

The clouds do part

“This too shall pass” were empty words to me. I looked into the future, and all I could see was confusion. My negative mind had taken over, and I couldn’t see my way out.

But the clouds do part in their own time. The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness. I see this over and over in my work. I facilitate a bereavement group at a retirement community for people who have lost their spouses after sometimes 50+ years of marriage. You can just tell when someone walks through the door that they will announce they no longer need the group. They are renewed; they have gone into the darkness and found their way through.

One day I realized that I was happy, and soon after, I saw that I was thriving. I had been through the fire and emerged whole and clear, with doors opening in so many wonderful ways. The sad and frustrated stories in my mind had fallen away, and the emotions that had captured me softened. I can breathe freely again.

Eventually opening to the lessons

When people said I would look back and appreciate this time, all I could do was groan. When I was in the thick of it, it seemed like it would never end. And now, with the sun shining and flowers blooming, I can reflect on what I have learned.

Let things happen.
Give up trying to control.
Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
Take good care of yourself.
Engage with others.
Reach out for support.
When the time is right, feel the emotions.
Get perspective – learn what not to do next time.

So there it is – my story. And now I turn it over to you. What have you learned about going through hard times? I’d love to hear…

10 Life-Changing Facts About Habits

happydog

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~Albert Einstein

A few weeks ago, I published a post called 10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear. I was walking on the beach yesterday with my lovely friend Evan who suggested I write a 10 Life Changing Facts series. “Brilliant!” I thought (thanks, Evan), and what better topic to write about than getting unstuck.

The Pain of Being Stuck

And who doesn’t know what it’s like to be stuck? We find ourselves doing the same unsatisfying thing time after time or looking at situations and people in the same habitual way that doesn’t get us what we really want. Being stuck is tunnel vision, it’s prison, it’s limited and small and frustrating.

It can even lead us to despair, feeling there is no way out.

But here’s the good news: you can get unstuck. You absolutely can. No matter what habit is gripping you, you can find the courage to explore it, to understand how it works, to uncover the feelings that drive it.

Be Inspired to Get Unstuck

Need some inspiration? Here are the words of Deb, who commented on a recent post:

“A little over a year ago, when I first found your blog, I felt exactly as you describe in the first paragraphs. I wondered how I could ever not feel so alone, so unworthy. You are right, you just have to keep acknowledging your feelings and letting them go. I kept it up and one day I thought, hey, I don’t feel bad. I stepped out of my tight little box of unworthiness and insecurity, a little at a time, and it worked.”

Habits can’t sustain themselves in the light of conscious awareness. They thrive on resistance and evasion. But when we illuminate them with laser-like attention, when we are willing to see things exactly as they are, they soften. The momentum begins to slow, and we become aware of space for new perspectives and choices. We realize freedom.

Consider the Facts

Whatever your habit is – busyness, overeating, over-thinking, procrastination, passivity, argumentativeness, shyness – consider these life-changing facts about getting unstuck, then the ball is in your court. What do you really want for this precious life?

1. Moving through habits takes focus, willingness, and perseverance. You are addressing an automatic, repetitive, long-standing pattern that has momentum. Your true desire to be free of the habit has to be stronger than the force of the habit itself.

2. Habits stay in place through unconsciousness and inattention. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. The radical choice is to enter into whatever you experience rather than avoid it. See how your thought process works, what feelings drive you. Get to know the direct experience of desire and lack that underlies many of our conditioned tendencies. Eventually, the habit will surrender, I promise you.

3. Habits are driven by feelings you aren’t aware of. If you are carrying out a habit that isn’t serving you, you haven’t yet acknowledged the underlying feeling. It might be fear or sadness, anger or loss. Gently explore the deepest places inside you so can be free.

If you are afraid of the pain, meet that fear first. Then welcome the feelings – they have been waiting for your loving attention.

4. Habits are perpetuated by a story that runs in your mind. Look for thoughts that start with: I need, I can’t, I am missing, I have to, if I don’t. These are stories you tell yourself that convince you to play out a pattern that you know doesn’t serve you. Investigate these thoughts to see if they are actually true.

5. You will experience urges and cravings. No matter what pattern you are addressing, the moment of the urge to engage in it, once again, is the moment of truth. Are you going to experience this moment or avoid it? Urges have a physical component, so get to know what that feels like in your body. Go through the fire, and you will come out the other side.

6. Getting unstuck from habits means facing the unknown. When a habit drops away, your experience changes. You think and feel differently, your insights and perspectives change. You see choices you never noticed before. Don’t let your fear of the unknown keep you from the happiness, peace, health, and well being that are your birthright.

7. Dismantling habits takes patience. Your habit has probably been in place for years, so it will take some time to unwind. This means you will keep doing it even when you don’t want to. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t lose focus. Start small, and keep going, seeing each experience as an opportunity for learning.

8. There is no goal. I know you want to change your habit, but don’t turn it into a fight. Rather, be conscious, loving, and aware. Be willing to experience your feelings and investigate your thoughts. Lovingly usher yourself through the moment each time you feel the pressure of the habit. Then your whole relationship with your experience changes, and there is space for your inner wisdom to be heard.

9. The root of being stuck goes back to childhood. Many long-standing patterns start when we don’t have the skills or support to deal with strong feelings. In order to survive, we send them underground, and they stay there fragmented and lost. Then we come up with any number of creative ways to avoid them.

The medicine for this cycle is loving attention. Make a safe space for these experiences to come out of hiding. Integrate them into the whole that you already are. Let go of the effort to manage your inner world. Take a deep breath, let it go, and let everything be.

10. Getting help helps. I just finished eight sessions with a therapist. My friend, Tess, from The Bold Life, speaks about how getting help saved her marriage. Talking to an objective, skilled person helps you clear the fog of your habitual ways of thinking. Do yourself a favor: if you’re stuck, consider getting help, with me or anyone else you trust. Just one session can often make a difference.

Now it’s your turn. Here are the facts about habits. What is your next step? Any stories of frustration or success? I’d love to hear…

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Feeling Unworthy? How to Find Your Way to Freedom

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“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.”
~Rachel Naomi Remen

Note: This post was inspired by a TED talk by researcher Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability.” Please watch it if your beliefs about your perceived failings, faults, and imperfections are holding you back. Isn’t now the time to end the suffering of unworthiness?

There is something that plagues so many of us, and it breaks my heart. Call it low self-esteem, shame, or the inner critic – it doesn’t matter what the name is. What matters is that we secretly feel unworthy, and we are afraid to take the risk to let others see us as we are. We harbor pernicious beliefs that bombard us with insults that we would never, in a million years, say to someone else.

The result? We feel disconnected, alienated, separate, and alone.

We live our lives in the proverbial closet, believing that if we let ourselves be seen, we would be summarily rejected.

Then, we close ourselves off, feeling lonely even when we’re surrounded by people. We numb ourselves from these painful feelings of unworthiness by eating and drinking too much, overspending, and staying insanely busy.

We get lost in a cycle of thinking and behaving that traps us into feeling even more isolated. We may even pretend that things are OK, while our soul screams in desperation.

Longing for Freedom

And all we want is to be happy. We want to be joyful and fulfilled, grateful and connected. We want to relax into our lives and put down all the effort it takes to keep ourselves safe.

I understand that your story is a sad one. You developed this mindset of unworthiness because you were rejected, abandoned, or mistreated. I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced.

But this is your life and your time. You can take responsibility for your feelings. You can learn to be compassionate toward yourself. You can be more open. And you can thrive – yes, you.

A Roadmap Out of Unworthiness

If you want to feel alive, if you want to unchain yourself from the cycle of not good enough, follow these breadcrumbs to freedom.

Don’t stay locked into the past. Somehow you have concluded that you are lacking because of how other people reacted toward you. If you let your mind run wild, it will keep repeating this story forever. Now is the time to let the past go. Every time these thoughts appear, don’t give them energy. Let them float by like clouds across the sky. Focus instead on the life-force that is present now.
Challenge your beliefs about yourself. Get to know your version of self-critical thoughts – I’m stupid, I can’t succeed, I will be laughed at, I’m unlovable. None of these thoughts holds a grain of truth. Not one iota. Recognize that they play in your mind as an endless loop that limits your capacity for happiness. They don’t serve you, so let them be and move on. Let your troublesome identities fall away.
End the violence. We reject ourselves and each other in so many gross and subtle ways. End the violence now by being kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Treat yourself like gold. Find a generous space in your heart that is available to receive everything that arises in you without exception.
Be willing to be free. By now, your unworthiness is probably a friend of sorts. Imagine that this identity, this way of being you know so well, disappears. Poof! Things would look very different to you. Have the courage to step out into the unknown and be free of what holds you back.
Risk rejection. Yes, you read that correctly – risk rejection. If you don’t want to be trapped by unworthiness any longer, put yourself out there. Don’t act like the shrinking violet or the know-it-all. Be your whole, radiant, magnificent, awkward, scared, quirky self. Some people may shy away, but others will be drawn to your gorgeous authenticity. And you will know that they love you as you are.
Access your natural resilience. You have what it takes to heal this unworthiness. How do I know? Humans naturally gravitate toward wholeness and peace. Be willing to heal. Be willing to live in the totality of you – that means all of you. Create a momentum and keep it going.
Start small. Take one situation or encounter and approach it without the cloak of unworthiness. Do experiments. Stretch the edges of your comfort zone just a little. And don’t be discouraged. Keep at it – your happiness hangs in the balance.
Rinse and repeat. I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, “But I’ve done that, and I still feel the same way.” The goal is not to eliminate thoughts and feelings. Rather, bring a loving presence to them. See them, acknowledge them, then let them pass by while you stay stable in the fullness of your being. Do this every time they arise, and eventually they will soften. The pattern of unworthiness might have been with you for decades. Be patient. Give it time, and loving attention, and it will loosen its grip.

The opportunity is here, in this very moment, for happiness, peace, expansion, clarity, aliveness. There is no need to keep living in this secret hell. If you feel you are flawed and lacking, own it. Learn how to work intelligently with this experience. Ground yourself in the truth, and let the world see your shining face.

Feeling not good enough? Have you found your way through it? I’d love to hear…

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You Hold the Key to Thriving Relationships

good_friends “In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
~Martin Buber

What is the #1 problem in relationships, a major source of unhappiness, and a deterrent to our peace of mind? Expectations.

If you want to be disappointed or frustrated, just expect someone to do or say something, and wait for the fallout. It will come. Holding an expectation is like putting a vice grip around reality, and reality will eventually break free. People do what they do, circumstances happen as they happen, no matter what we think or want.

The Power of Expectations

An expectation is a big, fat should. It creates a scenario of what we want the future to be like – he should…she shouldn’t… And then he doesn’t or she does.

Expectations move us out of the realm of the real and into the mind-created realm of imagination, fantasy, and hope. And by buying into these beliefs, we bring struggle to our own lives and disharmony to our relationships.

A friend of mine recently called this the “tyranny of should.” When we take “should” thoughts as real, we act like a tyrant wielding oppressive power toward ourselves and those around us. We clamp down on people, trying to limit their freedom to meet our needs. I know I have wielded my should’s and expectations in relationships. I have hurt people, including myself. Have you?

Trying to eliminate expectations is unlikely to bring you the peace that you long for. Expectations are the product of the mind, and it seems like the mind has, well, a mind of its own.

Rather than fighting with these thoughts, consider taking the compassionate approach. Investigate them, see if they are true, determine what fuels them, take in the effect they have on you and the people around you. Bring so much awareness to them that they lose their power. Then go forth in freedom.

The Compassionate Approach

Investigating your expectations requires you to take responsibility. The focus of your attention moves from blaming and a “poor me” mentality to an honest appraisal of your thoughts and feelings. You choose the path of wisdom and intelligence by giving up your need to be right. You are willing to illuminate the truth.
The fuel that keeps expectations in place is an unexamined feeling. What are you afraid of – being alone, losing control, not getting what you want, not being right? Let these fears surface and receive them with so much love.
Notice how these fears give rise to the expectation. If you are afraid of being alone, you try to limit your partner’s need for space and independence. If you are afraid of losing control, you react when things don’t go according to plan. See the process clearly: fear ? expectation ? inner reaction ? reaction toward another
Feel the effect of reacting to an expectation. Is this what you really want – for yourself, for others?
Align yourself with reality. You can’t control what other people say or do. You can’t foretell the future. Stay open and accepting to things as they are.
If you are really stuck, go straight to your heart and offer wishes of well-being, happiness, and peace to yourself and whoever is triggering you. Eventually, you will want to thank the other person for helping to bring this problem to your awareness.

If you have a habit of acting on expectations, do yourself a favor. Take the time to do the work. Be willing to be honest and see what keeps you trapped. Lovingly come to peace within yourself. Every person you know will thank you for it.

Do you get trapped by your expectations? What is that like? Have you experienced freedom from expectations? I’d love to hear…

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10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear

freefromfear1 Note: This article is a follow-up to the guest post I wrote for The Bold Life (thanks, Tess!) about how to flourish in the face of fear.

“The presence of fear is a sure sign you’re trusting in your own strength.”
~A Course in Miracles

If you’re a human being, chances are you experience fear. These bodies we live in are built for survival, and fear is the gatekeeper. It protects us, keeping us safe and secure by making us wary of any potential threat that might come our way. Fear breeds caution, vigilance, and suspicion.

Which is fine if a hungry lion is chasing you. But if your intention is to live in the abundance that is always here, to lead with the heart, to be open to the depth and breadth of what might be possible in your life, then fear deserves your attention.

A Sacred Choice

Simply said, running from fear doesn’t work. If we avoid turning to face it, it will nip at our heels forever. What does this mean? We live a fear-led life, choosing partners, jobs, and friends out of fear. Habits and addictions run wild because we are afraid of meeting our feelings. We feel separate and alienated, while deep inside, we recognize the echo of truth whispering softly.

Here is my question to you as we move into 2011. What do you want? I mean what do you really want for this precious life you have been given? If you are committed to knowing yourself fully, to living fully, then get to know fear. Start with these facts, then step aside and let your life unfold in all its glory.

Facts About Fear

Fear-motivated thoughts are all about “can’t.” They create a negative, imagined scenario about the future. Here’s the truth: you don’t know what is going to happen, so these thoughts can’t possibly be true. Buy into these thoughts, and you are inviting limitation. Let them float on by, and you will see what is actually true for you.
Fearful thoughts are designed to keep you safe and limited. They are not wisdom, and they are not truth. You get to choose what to follow.
Fear always includes physical sensations. Learn to recognize these, and receive them as they are with an open heart. Channel the energy of fear into excitement and enthusiasm.
Fear makes us think that something negative will happen, when the truth is that we don’t know what is going to happen. Become comfortable with not knowing so that fear doesn’t rule you.
Resisting fear strengthens it. The antidote is awareness – being willing to directly experience fear as it appears to you in the moment, recognizing the thoughts and physical sensations.
The goal is not to get rid of fear, as you don’t have the power to make this happen. But you do have the power to change the way you relate to fear. Learn to receive it with curiosity and a loving heart, get to know how it spins thoughts that deflate the things you are enthusiastic about. But don’t feel like something is wrong or you have failed if it continues to appear. Simply meet it lovingly every time.
A surge of fear tends to arise directly after a moment of truth. Say that an idea appears in your mind about something you’d love to do. Soon after, you might notice that your mind is filled with reasons why you can’t or shouldn’t do it. Recognize that this is fear speaking.
Recognizing the presence of fear allows you to make conscious decisions. You have the clarity to see what fear is guiding you to do, and you can consider what you really want.
Fear is not the enemy. It can be the voice of reason, caution, and practicality that serves you well at times.
It takes energy to resist fear. Getting to know it and allowing it to be lets your body and mind relax, as the fight is over. This opens a space for creativity, wonder, awe, love, beauty, inspiration.

Learn about fear. Know it so well that it can’t sneak up on you. Free yourself from the chains of fear, and every moment of your life will shine.

How have you dealt with fear? Does it hold you back? What happens when you embrace fear? I’d love to hear…

Are You Willing to Let Go and Trust?

scenic “Cease trying to work everything out with your minds. It will get you nowhere. Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be Revelation.”
~Eileen Caddy

My natural inclination is to be a little on edge. I don’t trust easily. I want to know what I don’t know, and I’m rarely willing to take anyone’s word for anything – I need to have the direct experience myself. This made me an interesting child to raise, as you might imagine.

A Reflection on Trust

But recently, I’ve been reflecting on trust, and it’s been a beautiful exploration. When the tendency to be on guard arises, when I am indecisive and doubtful, I consider the possibility of trust. And I see, with a huge sigh of relief, that I can simply relax. I can let go of the need to figure everything out. I can have confidence that something way more intelligent than my thoughts is at play.

Trust and faith go hand in hand. I’m not talking about blind faith or sinking into passivity. Not the faith where you cling to a belief in something. But faith that the life force that animates everything is trustworthy, that there are no mistakes, that I can surrender personal control and let myself be carried.

That I can put down the struggle along with my needs, desires, and fears, and melt into being. I have faith, and trust, that when I stop trying to live, I am perfectly alive. No effort needed.

My holiday gift to you…

…is an invitation to trust. Especially at this time of year, maybe you will discover that you don’t have to expend nearly as much energy as you thought. Maybe you can relax and let yourself be carried.

Can you trust that you will know exactly what you need to know at just the right time?

No need to keep deliberating.

Can you trust the intelligence that is operating right now?

You don’t have to figure it all out.

Can you look outside your thinking mind for clarity?

Maybe clarity is already here.

Can you trust that your life circumstances are here for your awakening?

They are helping you see where you are stuck or attached.

Can you trust that there are no mistakes?

Reflect on how you might be resisting.

Can you trust that life is naturally generous?

It gives us exactly what we need, not necessarily what we think we need.

Are you willing to let go and trust?

Enjoy the holidays! Love to all,
Gail

The Art and Craft of Befriending Your Experience

peaceful “I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.”
~Maya Angelou

I was in a yoga class the other day, and I wasn’t happy. I simply didn’t agree with how the instructor was leading the class. My body seized up, my mind felt dense and pressured, and the dark cloud of needing to be right descended.

Then I woke up. The clouds parted, and the light flooded in. “Oh,” I said to myself. “What is actually here?” I felt the tension in my body and welcomed the strain behind my thoughts. Everything relaxed as the whole problem dissipated. I had returned home.

What happened to me in those moments is a microcosm of what is possible for all of us always. We don’t need to wait for situations to change or for others to realize the error of their ways. In fact, if we do so, we are barking up the wrong tree, placing our happiness in the hands of things we cannot control.

Do you really want to wait for the circumstances of your life to change, while you are missing out on the glorious now?

Meet Yourself as You Are

So many of us go through our lives with painful emotions nipping at our heels. We are chased by discomfort, so we run full speed ahead into busyness, addictions, and passivity. When we try to avoid what is true, we are far from peaceful and happy. And we’re certainly not free.

But here’s what it takes to change everything: a U-turn of your attention. Put the brakes on the momentum of these patterns, turn around, and meet yourself as you are. It is a meeting you won’t regret.

Most of us live in stories that roil around in our minds. We endlessly tell ourselves what we shouldn’t have done and what ought to happen. We criticize, judge, resist, label, sort through, and imagine in a non-stop running commentary. We keep the past alive by thinking about it and needlessly worry about the future.

Then we wonder why we’re not at peace.

But there is a solution, a way out which is actually the way in. In any moment, we move attention away from the workings of the mind and inward to befriend our own direct experience.

This is the end of avoidance. We stop resisting and we turn to welcome the truth of ourselves.

What is Direct Experience?

You discover your direct experience by turning your attention away from the objects of the world. Simply notice what is happening in your inner landscape in any given moment. Break down what you are experiencing into it’s most basic elements, and here is what you will find:

Thoughts, which are sounds in the mind
Sense perceptions – hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, smelling
Physical sensations – what you feel in your body

That’s it. There’s nothing more. And please don’t take my word for it. Do the experiment. Shine the searchlight of your awareness into yourself and see what you discover.

How to Befriend Yourself

You cannot be more loving toward yourself than to let yourself be as you are. Conflict ends, struggle is put to rest. The how-to is very simple. When you befriend your direct experience, first notice it, then allow yourself to feel it as it actually is.

Say you look inside and you notice fear. Ask yourself, “What is this fear?” You will become aware of thoughts about fear and physical sensations. Draw your attention away from the thoughts, and go right into the sensations in your body.

Whatever you notice – tension, contractions, burning – feel it completely. Give the sensations space to be without turning away. Take the time for them to be felt completely. Then keep exploring to the next layer, and the next, to see what you discover.

These are the inner experiences that have been driving you – and waiting for your loving attention. Because it’s love that heals our inner turmoil.

Why not try it right now? Simply be at ease with whatever arises in your direct experience. Welcome it. Allow it to be all the way through.

Q & A

But what now? The problem is still here.

Is it the problem that is still here or your thoughts about it? Drop away from the story, go inside, and receive your direct experience. If a decision needs to be made, shift your attention away from trying to figure it out. Listen, and let the answer come to you.

This is hard to do. I’ve been in this habit for so long.

Embracing your direct experience may be difficult in the beginning because you don’t know what you will find. There is an old teaching story about a man walking down a path who freaks out when he thinks he sees a snake. When he gets closer, he realizes that what he thought was a snake was actually a rope and his fear was unwarranted. Maybe your snakes are just ropes, but you will never know unless you turn and take a look.

Hint: Your fear of welcoming your feelings is probably much worse than the experience of actually welcoming them.

I’ve done what you are suggesting, but things are still the same.

As counterintuitive as this may be, the goal of befriending your experience is not to feel better. The goal, which is not a goal at all, is to find peace in the moment. Any tendencies or habits that play out through you have a momentum that may last for a very long time. So the goal is not to get rid of anything.

The “goal” is simply to be with yourself as you are. To receive whatever is happening without resistance and to be at ease with what is. To know what is actually true about reality, over and over in every moment.

Simply be as you are, and all is well.

Have you befriended your experience? Any questions or reports? I’d love to hear…

There Is Great Freedom in Simply Being Aware

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“The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.”
~Henry Miller

Have you noticed how embedded our habits can be? Even with the best of intentions to act or feel differently, before we know it, we are barreling down a familiar track doing the same old, same old.

You want to change, but over and over you find yourself taking on another project when you’re already completely maxed, digging into that bag of chips, spinning in worry or self-criticism, captured in the same argument with someone, lolling about on the couch, again.

Wouldn’t you love to be free of your most confining habits? Imagine being in control rather than controlled, mindful rather than mindless, fully alive rather than stuck in a very deep rut.

Be Happy Now

There’s nothing wrong with habits, but when they detract from our joy in living life to its fullest, we owe it to ourselves to take a closer look at them. For it is our birthright to enjoy ourselves, to approach the moments of our life with openness and enthusiasm.

Simply said, we deserve to be happy.

Awareness Is the Key

So let’s get down to business and discover how you can step out of the prison of your habits. And it starts with being aware.

The nature of habits is that they occur outside of our conscious awareness. When we’re trapped by a habit, we are like a wind-up doll, programmed to play out the same behavior over and over. It’s a script we know by heart, and we act it out without thinking.

And this is great news! Once we realize that habits operate unconsciously, the way out becomes clear. We take each one and unwind it into its elements. We become aware of every nuance of thought, feeling, and reaction that makes up this habit.

Becoming an Expert

We develop into habit experts, knowing the habit so well and in such detail that we could write a thesis about it. And we don’t shy away just because what we discover is hard or painful.

Each moment is an opportunity to cast a vote for our happiness by becoming aware. And as we become aware, we realize the possibility of making a different choice.

Awareness is freedom. So if you long to be free, become aware of your habits. De-program yourself, throw away the script, and let the tracks of your habits be washed away.

A Strong Foundation for Becoming Aware

As we start to investigate habits, here are some important points to keep in mind.

It’s all in the present moment. The past is useful to learn about our patterns, but the rubber meets the road in the moment. So when you are triggered, when you feel your anger rising or you are reaching out for the ice cream when you know you don’t need it, this is the moment to be aware. No matter what you’ve done before, every moment offers an opportunity to be aware, to pause, to embrace your experience.

Awareness illuminates choice. As we untangle our habits by becoming aware of them, we notice options we never saw before. A friend was working on a habit of being concerned about what other people thought of her. As she investigated the pattern, she realized that people weren’t thinking about her nearly as much as she had assumed. She discovered a new option of not paying attention to a thought that wasn’t true. The result? Freedom.

Don’t force yourself to change. Rather than focusing on a goal, keep your attention on each moment. Lovingly embrace things just as they are. Take every fear and disappointment, every tension, every whirlwind of thoughts and create a warm and accepting space where they can be received. The habit can’t hold up to the power of loving attention, and change begins to happen effortlessly.

Your natural essence is whole and healthy. Habits are conditioned. We learn them to manage difficult feelings and situations. As we unwind our habits, the should’s, pressures, and rationalizations fall away. We realize that peace is possible, that freedom is available always.

A Loving Process for You

Start by being curious and open, willing and patient.
Bring to mind a habit you’d like to work on and a situation in which this habit played out.
Begin to ask questions:

-What am I thinking? What story am I telling myself? What expectations do I have?
-What am I feeling?
-What physical sensations do I notice in my body?

Peel back the layers until all is revealed.
Welcome these experiences like a long-lost friend. Say, “yes” to each one. This is the end of the inner fight and the beginning of real possibility.

With great compassion, shed light on the experiences that make up your habits. They will start to fall apart right before your eyes, leaving you spacious, open, and happy.

What have you discovered about letting go of habits? How do you get stuck? I’d love to hear…

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Are You Ready to Choose Sanity?

sanity “Embracing our humanness is what actually delivers us beyond attachment and non-attachment and into the vastness of true freedom, love, and compassion.”
~Adyashanti

Here are some people I’ve come across recently.

A man whose light shines so brightly. He wants to end a relationship that is no longer joyful, but feels he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants.
Two competent professional women who are overcommitted, hyper-responsible, unable to set boundaries, and burned out.
A man so intent on “making it big,” that he squanders his family’s savings and ends up in debt with his wife on the verge of leaving him.
An amazing young woman, happy and content in a long relationship with her boyfriend who treats her like gold. Her mother judges them because he doesn’t fit her idea of a suitable partner, driving a wedge in her relationship with her daughter.

These are normal scenarios, you might say. This is how life is. Most likely, we all know people who are struggling with everyday situations such as these. Maybe you are one of them.

But when I feel into each of these circumstances, my heart aches. Doesn’t yours?

The Disease

Well, I am here to tell you that what we call normal is insane. What happens when we cling to beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world that dictate how things should be? What happens when we resist fear, when we need to be right? We bring stress and unhappiness to our own lives and the lives of those around us.

Can we please stop doing this?

The Cure

There is a cure for this disease of normal insanity. It is called willingness, longing for truth, courageous honesty.

And the treatment is investigation, taking a curious and penetrating look at your beliefs and fears to see what is actually true. What brings stress? What serves? What is a belief, a feeling?

Don’t investigate your inner experience to save the world. Don’t worry about taking care of anyone else.

This is the cosmic joke: The only one to pay attention to is you. Place your own happiness and peace foremost in your mind. Do it for you and your personal well-being. Embrace your human suffering completely. Get to know it intimately. Break it down to see what it is really made of.

You will see that it is a gateway to realizing the totality of existence, love in overflowing abundance, laser-like wisdom that sees things clearly. Beliefs collapse like a house of cards. Fear is experienced as just physical sensations. And the pain of separation melts into effortless compassion and generosity.

Next time you feel the momentum to carry out an old habit, stop, feel the intensity of the urge, breathe, and let sanity guide you. Every single time. Abandon the big picture, and bring your attention to your moment-by-moment existence. Here is where the juice is, the traps and the possibility for freedom from them.

Normal insanity is not a problem – it is an opportunity. Do you feel separated, righteous, powerless? These are your signals to pause. Study your experience, receive yourself with oceans of compassion, and make the peaceful choice.

How about you…Are you ready to choose sanity? What attachments get in your way? I’d love to hear…

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