Blog - Dr. Gail Brenner

Is It Time to Come Out of Hiding?

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
~Soren Kierkegaard

It takes so much energy to hide from yourself. And it’s such a relief to let yourself be seen.

You realize that you’re essentially whole, that who you are has never been broken or lost. Coming out of hiding is the choice that will begin to set you free.

Discover the Hidden Core

Hiding from ourselves is at the root of all suffering. Are you suffering? Then it’s guaranteed that you’re avoiding some part of your inner experience.

If you’re caught in feeling shameful or inadequate, if you feel alienated, confused, or alone, if your relationships are fiery or shut down—then some thought or feeling is there in you that hasn’t yet seen the light of day.

Do you find yourself playing out unsatisfying habits, even with your best intentions not to? There is a hidden core that remains unexamined.

You’re avoiding feelings that you’re afraid to experience.
You ignore the signals that appear in your body.
You take for granted that you’re small, limited, and lacking.

And the amazing secret is: you’re not only hiding from your feelings, you’re overlooking your true magnificence, the natural aliveness that is the essence of you. Yes!

Hiding Creates Inner Division

If you hide from your experience, you set up imaginary walls that determine which feelings are acceptable and unacceptable. A feeling arises, and your inner guard is on alert. Is it okay for that feeling to be experienced? Is it too painful and scary? Do I need to push it away and pretend it’s not there?

You end up feeling fragmented and insecure. And you spend your precious energy protecting, defending, and figuring out how to stay safe.

Coming Out of Hiding

Is it time to come out of hiding? Be fierce and gentle at the same time. Find the willingness within yourself to let everything be seen. It’s so freeing! And bring love and care to your experience as you shine the light on all your nooks and crannies. Be courageous, even fearless, with whatever you discover.

There’s really nothing to it, once you’re ready. Instead of turning your attention away into compulsive thinking, an activity, conversation, or any other way you know you distract yourself, turn your attention toward your experience. Just be curious to see what’s present.

When you have an emotional reaction to something or someone, rather than going into your mind or lashing out, be quiet with your own direct experience. It’s been given to you, so you have a choice: ignore or welcome, defend or embrace.

Ground yourself as the expansive field of presence that includes everything. Then feel what appears. Let your attention fall deeply into the sensations in your body. Simply be with them.

This is where the heart of any stuck emotion lies—in the physical sensations.

Each time an emotion arises, feel it in your body. You might start with 30 seconds, then a minute, then as much time as you need. Allow the sensations simply to be in the sacred embrace that accepts all.

True Welcoming

Sounds simple, right? Now, here’s the paradox. Welcoming emotions in order to get rid of them is not true welcoming. It’s like receiving a friend at your door and telling her she needs to leave as soon as you don’t want her there anymore. Doesn’t sound too friendly, does it?

There’s no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment. That’s the way to freedom, the way out of hiding.

Have no preference for what appears—just allow it as is. Don’t choose this and not that. Don’t separate your experience into what’s okay and not okay.

Be so patient as your long-lost feelings emerge from the darkness of your inattention. Don’t worry about the time it takes. Every moment offers the invitation to be completely at one with yourself.

When you give up the fight with your experience, what becomes apparent is this: the peace of being, the simplicity of pure presence. Your inner guard no longer has a job because there’s nothing to protect or defend.

You’ve come out of hiding. The veils are gone. And here you are—peaceful, alive, and at ease.

What About You

Have you come out of hiding? Are you resisting? Please share in the comments. I’d love to hear…

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The Way to Be with Emotions

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

~Rumi

Does this happen to you? No matter how much you want things to be different, here you are again with emotions grabbing you. You’re consumed in anger, overpowered by jealousy, or lost in pain.

When these common experiences visit you, which they will, how do you meet them? With frustration and resistance, just wanting them to go away?

There must be a kinder way for us to be with ourselves…

What Doesn’t Work

Here are some ways we struggle with our feelings:

You don’t like how you feel, but you don’t know what to do about it.
When you’re caught in emotions, you do and say things you regret.
Your attempts to change them fail, so you feel resigned to feeling that way forever.

No wonder you feel frustrated. Let’s go a little deeper to understand how you get locked in the grip of feelings…and learn the kind way of being with them.

Moving Toward

If you move toward emotions, you indulge them. You build dramatic stories around them and think and talk about them with great relish. You might say some version of, “I’m so upset! Can you believe he did that?”

Moving toward emotions keeps them very much alive in you with no chance for relief.

Moving Against

If you move against emotions, you fight them. You hate how you feel. Your attempts to control the feelings don’t work, but you are at a loss as to what to do about them. Your body feels like it’s on fire, and before you know it, you’ve said hurtful words.

People who move against often feel anger and frustration. You may even justify how you feel, which keeps the feeling locked firmly in place.

Moving Away

Moving away from emotions may be the most common reaction. Instead of calmly opening to what’s present, you avoid them like the plague, eating or drinking to excess, staying overly busy, and getting stuck in endless thinking. Anything so you don’t have to feel them.

An ignored emotion stays hidden, and a hidden emotion is at the root of inadequacy, self-criticism, shame, relationship troubles, and addictions.

What do these strategies have in common?

Emotions stay stuck.
You are afraid of feeling it.
You resist experiencing what’s actually here in the present moment.

The Way to Be: Not Moving

But there’s another option, and it’s the one that will set you free. Rather than trying to fix your emotions by moving toward, against, or away, consider not moving at all.

An emotion appears, and you stop. You feel caught in its grip, and you take a conscious breath. With the desire for freedom alive in your heart, you lovingly turn toward the feeling, and say, “Hello.”

The lump of sadness in your chest? Welcome it like a long lost friend knocking on your door. The fire of anger? Let it burn if it wants to.

Your mind may try to convince you to avoid your feelings. But don’t believe it. Go beyond the fear to meet what’s being offered to you as a holy gift.

Stop believing you’re damaged and instead bring the power of loving infinite awareness to meet the emotions and anything else arising in the moment. It’s the way in to discovering the peace you long for.

Offer the sacred temple of loving presence to your emotions. It’s the wise and kind way to be.

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What I Wish You Knew About Fear

“Being present to what is is the prelude to its disappearance.”
~Claudette Vidal

If you look into the heart of fear, what do you find? Nothing.

Fear: it’s a word, a set of letters that we agree has a certain meaning. It’s a label for physical agitation in your body and a way of thinking that distorts things to look negative, pessimistic, and hopeless.

But what is it really? Nothing more than a belief, something we take to be true, an unquestioned emotion that dampens our enthusiasm.

Here’s what I wish you knew about fear: that it is absolutely possible to live in this world without being driven by it. How do I know? I’ve experienced a lot of fear, and I’ve seen through to the truth of it.

Not Driven by Fear

Notice I didn’t say we could live without fear. Fear may arise—it’s a normal experience in the human body, but it doesn’t have to be a problem. You get to the point where you’re not driven by it, you’re not interested in it, and it doesn’t touch your wisdom and clarity.

If you see it clearly for what it actually is, shining the laser light of conscious awareness directly on it, it falls apart and stops affecting you.

Whenever I think I might be afraid of something (which hardly happens anymore), I question what I’m experiencing, and the fear slips away, like sand through my fingers. I don’t attach any meaning to it, so it completely loses its power.

The Power of Fear

Fear creates all kinds of chaos when we buy into it. We’re afraid to be alone, afraid of not having enough money, afraid of getting too close to people, afraid of failing (or succeeding), afraid the truth about ourselves will be exposed, afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone, afraid of death.

It’s at the root of procrastination, addiction, compulsive behavior, neediness, clinging, inadequacy, guilt, and envy. Not to mention prejudice, hate, wars, and violence of all kinds.

Fear divides, separates, and alienates. It conceals love, which is the essential fabric of everything. It makes us feel like we’re half-alive, hitting walls everywhere as we bumble through life. We miss out on the juice of actually living.

When we live in fear, we’re caught in tunnel vision. And we overlook the actual reality of who we are. Who you are is not this fearful, limited being cowering in the face of life, although you may be a master at playing that role.

When you see what fear is and it falls away, this becomes clear: you are luminous, already fulfilled, naturally loving, effortlessly grateful. This is you in this very moment!

Questioning Fear

I invite you to not take fear for granted. Don’t be resigned to a life ruled by fear—it’s optional, it’s a choice, and it doesn’t have to be your reality.

How to see through fear? Rather than run from it, question it. Take a moment when you are experiencing fear, and be willing to investigate it to see what is actually happening.

Don’t assume that what I’m offering here is true. Follow through on your own with these inquiry processes about thoughts and feelings. Then you will directly see through the fallacy of fear in your own experience. You will know it to be false.

Inquire: What thoughts are present?

Notice that the content of fearful thoughts is negative and limiting. They are pure imagination: imagining that an undesired outcome will happen in the future, imagining that you are perceiving a person or situation correctly, when you’re not. They close you down to the truth.

What is the truth? You don’t know what will happen. Whatever the thoughts say is one of an infinite number of possibilities. Isn’t it just as likely that something amazing could happen? Or something mildly pleasant, or neutral? Isn’t it possible that your view of the person or situation is just plain wrong?

The Medicine

Fearful thoughts expect the worst. Realize that this is fear-fueled, distorted mind and not true reality. To say it simply: don’t believe them. Instead, say, “I don’t know what will happen.” Or “What is really going on here?” Don’t listen to your mind. Be so incredibly open to every possibility.

When fearful thoughts arise, take a breath. Say, “Wait a minute.” Be still for a moment. Stop going headlong into this familiar way of being. Then shine the light of presence on your experience to see what is true. Abandon the false ideas of fear. They don’t accurately describe you, others, or the future.

Embrace what you actually know to be true—your present moment experience right now. You don’t have to be attached to what you think will happen in the future and run your whole life around it. It’s just not logical. Because you can’t know it anyway.

If you are awake to your life as it unfolds, you can trust that you will know exactly what you need to know. It is revealed in the moment. This is a fact.

Inquire: What feelings are present?

We call fear an emotion. What exactly is the experience of feeling afraid?

Move your attention away from it to observe. And when you do, you notice how much the experience of fear is physical. When you name your experience as fear, there are lots of sensations in the body—vibration, fluttery feelings, tightening, contraction, nausea. These sensations can be very uncomfortable and difficult to tolerate.

What else is present? Thoughts about fear—and all of them are distorted. Like we saw above, they are really like a horror show, making you think negatively, and incorrectly, about yourself, others, and the world.

If you lose interest in these thoughts, what remains? Physical sensations. They may be strong, but do they have any inherent meaning? No. Just the experience of sensations coming and going through you.

The Medicine

It’s so simple: welcome these sensations as they are. Don’t create stories about them or make them into something they’re not. They are only physical sensations.

When you realize they are present and you stop ignoring them, you are simply here with your experience. Where’s the problem now?

Good for you…you have untangled fear! You can see it for what it actually is: physical sensations and distorted thoughts. Now that all of this is conscious to you, can you see any reason to let fear rule?

The Takeaway

If fear has been your companion for a long time, you may by now define yourself by it. But it is not who you are.

Without the identity of fear, who are you? What do you do? How do you function?

By focusing on fear, you overlook so much. Once released from seeing through the limiting eyes of fear, everything is fresh and new. How your body feels, the choices you make, how you relate to others—the possibilities are infinite.

Without fear, the feeling of separation from yourself and the world falls away. You are open, available to what life offers, primed to say “Yes!” rather than that old familiar “no.” You are released from the bondage of fear. Blinders off, you are peaceful and calm. Anything is possible.

What About You?

So now you know what I wish you knew about fear. And I hand the baton to you. Will you apply this knowledge to your own experience? Are you struggling? Have you seen through to the truth of fear? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear…

Note: Please check out my recent post on MindBodyGreen.com about healing the pain of the past and an interview about the power of presence on Manifested Happiness.

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5 Surprising Ways to Express Love

“Socrates showed us that thinking the truth is not enough. Truth demands to be lived.”

~Americ Azevedo

Real love is the essence of everything. In truth, everything and every moment is infused with it endlessly, if we’re open to seeing it.

Love has so many beautiful faces as it’s commonly expressed in the world: kindness, generosity, compassion, celebration, sharing joy…the list goes on. When our hearts are open and undefended, we taste the true heart that sees everything as one, the same, the infinite source of all.

From this perspective, everywhere we look we see ourselves. We are love itself.

But love isn’t always soft and sentimental. Grounding ourselves in true love where nothing is separate, we are fearless and whole.

Our actions aren’t based on any ideas about how we think we should act. Rather, they emerge from clarity as fresh responses that are perfectly appropriate to the moment.

They are aren’t thought out and habitual; they are free and spontaneous. And often surprising.

Consider these five less common, but enormously powerful ways to express love. Love may be more a part of your experience than you ever thought.

Saying No

The end of suffering comes when we say a continual Yes! to life, to things as they are. And that includes your inner knowing about situations that arise in your life. Yes doesn’t mean you always do, give, and support. It means that you see the big picture as well as all the details in it. Then the most loving action happens.

Maybe you aren’t comfortable around a friend who gossips. Or you don’t like how someone treats you. Maybe you don’t want to do what someone is asking of you. Or you feel taken advantage of.

Saying yes is opening to all aspects of what happens, including your own reactions. And from this openness, a wise “no” may be the clearest and most loving response.

Pleasing others is not always loving. If it comes from a generous heart, and others are happy, then you are freely giving what you already know to be true. There is nothing for you to get.

But when fear, need, guilt, or obligation are the drivers, tell the truth about these reactions until you see them with clarity. Then, fearlessly and kindly, just say “no.”

Silence

Our minds are often filled with endless chatter that affects how we show up in our daily lives. Do you fully pay attention? Do you babble on to fill up space? Are you afraid to just be quiet?

The root of these behaviors is distraction and unawareness. They suck the life out of life and block your appreciation of the living breathing reality of now.

Stop and ask, “How do I want to be in this moment?” You may find that the simplicity of silence is the most natural and aligned choice you could make.

Fearless Action

Fear-based action cannot possibly be an expression of love. Love is infinite, overflowing with potential, all-encompassing, and fearless. This is far from the picture that fear presents.

I can tell you from my own experience that you can put fear aside and let fearlessness guide you. There came a time when I just wasn’t willing to give fear the authority it was trying to have. I didn’t care what the results were or how others would evaluate me. I just had to stop behaving according to the limits of fear.

The bound up, fearful me was finally put to rest, and what was revealed was life, so fresh and alive, love in motion!

A friend put it another way. When fear visited, she said, “I’m not available to that.” Done. End of story.

So no more complaining about what you could be doing if you weren’t afraid, OK? Take Nike’s advice: just do it.

Moving Toward Pain

It’s a survival instinct of the human form to move away from pain. But if you want to be deeply at peace, you must see how you fight your own experience.

Ignoring painful feelings keeps pesky habits locked into place. And rejecting feelings is rejecting a part of the preciousness that is you.

Open your heart to all of your experience. Every nuance of feeling, every tender contraction in the shadows of your body. Whatever comes, receive it with the deepest acceptance.

Be like the ocean that provides a home to all the life in it. Be a welcoming, loving host for everything that knocks on your door.

Listening

If you stand in the belief that, “I know,” then you will forget to listen. You think you’ve got it all figured out, while you are missing out on the clarity that comes by simply listening.

Truth speaks in a subtle whisper. It has nothing to do with fear and need and everything to do with love. It asks you to not know, to surrender control, and to receive.

In the moments of deep listening, you are empty and available, open to whatever appears. Can you open your heart and listen from the space of love?

* * * * * * *

Love is fierce, soft, tender, sharp, and everything in between. It doesn’t look any given way—it all depends on what arises in the freshness of the moment.

When conditioned beliefs have fallen away, all that remains is love. Live here. Clear your mind, and let yourself be surprised by how love moves.

What About You?

How is love expressed through you? How is it blocked? I’d love to hear…

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How to De-Stress, Unwind, and Come Home to Yourself

“Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses.”
~Arlen Price

I haven’t experienced stress for quite a long time—until recently. All of a sudden, I found myself anxious, pressured, and ruled by my to-do list which contains way too many things to accomplish.

I know how it happened—it’s the way any habit takes hold. In a moment of unconsciousness, a thought seems to be meaningful and important. It feeds a story about things to do and not enough time to do them. It shows up as tension in the body. And a veil of stress descends as pleasure and enjoyment in the doing melt away.

Sure, I can apply some techniques to reduce stress. I can take deep breaths, exercise, and get massages, all of which I do. But these are temporary fixes. I don’t want to live under the shadow of impending stress, hoping I can find some relief.

I want to get to the source of the problem so I can be free of it. I want true, abiding peace. Why? Because it’s possible.

What I know to be absolutely true is that my essential nature is not capable of stress. There has to be a way to return to peace. And there is.

So let’s explore what we call stress because I’m far from the only one on the planet who experiences it. In the spirit of clear seeing, let’s bring out the laser to investigate:

What exactly is the direct experience of stress?
What does it take to shift from peace to stress?

An Opportunity for Exploration

It’s not wrong to feel stress, or anything for that matter. I know it’s a platitude to say that every experience is your teacher, but it’s true. Every single thing that occurs is either about fear or love.

If it comes from love, there’s nothing to do but enjoy and celebrate. But if it’s about fear, there is an opportunity for an empowering insight that can set you free. So let’s see what stress has to offer.

Stressful Mind

Events and happenings in the world aren’t inherently stressful. They just occur. What makes them stressful is the thoughts you have about them.

Stressful thoughts evaluate, compare, and make the present seem like it’s inadequate. They create a story of urgency. Things have to get done, they’re so important, and something terrible will happen if the list doesn’t get accomplished.

When stressful thoughts are in control, who’s the victim? You. Your whole reality centers around doing what they require of you in hopes that they will just stop. If only you push yourself to do the impossible, then maybe you will feel a smidgeon of peace. It’s a setup for…more stress.

And where are wisdom, intelligence, and clarity? Hidden behind the fog of thought. In order to access them, you need to look outside of your thoughts.

When you are feeling stressed:

Take a moment to become aware of the way you are thinking about the situation.
Recognize that these are distorted thoughts that don’t serve peace and happiness.
Find those lovely, transcendent qualities of wisdom, intelligence, and clarity, and establish yourself in them.
You have returned home. Now go forth from here.

Take away the urgency, and see everything with fresh eyes. Stress is replaced by wise choosing and efficient action.

Stressful Body

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that stress has a physical component. Tightness in the chest and shoulders, a stomach in knots—these are hallmarks of a body in stress. Let these go unchecked, and the body may start trying to get your attention with all sorts of physical problems.

You are unlikely to see through to the truth of what stress actually is without attention to the physical sensations. You can shift your attention away from stressful thoughts, but until you acknowledge the physical sensations, you are primed for more stress. Because unseen physical sensations are the seed for a slew of troublesome habits.

I know these sensations can be very uncomfortable. But running from them leaves the pattern of stress locked into place. So they are asking you to turn your loving attention toward them. It’s very simple.

Rest your attention in welcoming presence.
Notice whatever is appearing in your body.
Let the sensations be. They will do what they will do—change, intensify, decrease, disappear.
Be very accepting of whatever happens without any preference.

That’s it. You are so beautifully embracing your experience. You aren’t attached to what happens. You are simply being with what is, effortlessly present.

And remember this: the goal is not to make the sensations go away. This is resistance, and it won’t work anyway. You are not making anything happen; you are simply ignoring the mental noise and being with what is.

You experience the sensations without acting on them.

Freedom

Stressful thoughts and physical sensations come together to create the experience of stress. And both are a doorway to knowing your true nature as free of stress and fundamentally at peace.

Recognize the distorted stressful thoughts and live only in what is true. Welcome physical sensations with full awareness, and they are less likely to trigger stressful thinking. Be honest about what habits originate from stress. Intelligent exploration of thoughts and sensations creates the space for them to unwind.

Then question the one who experiences stress. Let the sense of you as separate from the world fall away, and see yourself as the all. The undivided universe is powered by love.

And stress is no match whatsoever for the power of love.

What About You?

Are you stuck in stress? Can you find your way back to peace? Sharing is most welcome…

Note for Santa Barbara locals: I’m hosting a meeting called Living in Truth. Please go to the Events page for information.

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Change Is Beautiful

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
~Thich Nhat Hanh

I love change. In fact, isn’t that what’s happening in every moment?

The unfolding of life is constantly fresh and new. It’s always overflowing with potential—letting an old story fall away, taking a breath instead of recycling an old habit, meeting someone you know with no baggage from the past, finally listening to yourself.

Every moment serving up the possibility of freedom from constricting beliefs and the tug of familiar emotions. Peace is the changeless ground of being, and change is celebration of the living reality of our everyday lives.

Goodbye, Hello

In the spirit of change, I am excited to announce that it’s time to say “goodbye” to A Flourishing Life and “hello” to new opportunities. Writing this blog for well over three years has been an amazing experience.

I am grateful for my connection with each of you, readers from around the world. I’ve grown as a writer and clarified the ways I communicate what I love the most: the conscious knowing of the deepest happiness, present moment living so tender and alive.

I am happy to say that the blog will continue, but it becomes part of a larger offering. I have written a book that will be published later this year (very exciting!). And the name change of this site—to GailBrenner.com—makes room for the blog, book, and other ways I might contribute.

The Way of Yes

The forthcoming book is called, “The Way of Yes: Finding Peace and Happiness Right at the Heart of Your Messy, Scary, Brilliant Life.” It offers a bridge between the common problems we experience in everyday life and the spiritual understanding that will set us free.

Yes, freedom from problems is possible. The inner critic? Feelings of inadequacy? Stuck in pain from the past? In the Way of Yes, we start where we are to discover that peace is right here—once we see through the habits of mind and feelings that hijack us.

We go from living the Way of No—rejecting, resisting, avoiding, pretending—to finding the Yes! in every moment. And I can tell you that the land of Yes! is infinitely peaceful, all-embracing, endlessly loving.

The book, “The Way of Yes” is a new presentation flowing through my heart to yours. Not a compilation of blog posts, it offers a very careful guide to realizing your true nature. We walk together from problems to real solutions, from the sense that you are broken to the knowing that you are already everything you ever wanted.

The book is being prepared for publication and will be available some time later this year. In April or May, I’ll launch a new website with a fresh design. And all along, I’ll continue to post regularly here at GailBrenner.com.

Living the Yes!

The past few months have been a time of tremendous opening for me. I’ve been shown so clearly the mindsets that held me back. And each time an old thinking pattern was revealed, I saw the fallacy of it. “I couldn’t finish such a large project.” “What if no one cares?” “What if everyone cares?” I could have let these thoughts deter me.

But instead, I took a stand in truth—every time. And now? No limits, no barriers. Every cell of my being is completely available to whatever happens.

Life is so generous in that it endlessly offers opportunities and drops them right at our feet. It takes a clear mind and open heart to notice and the willingness to live true to act. The mind can come up with an array of excuses and justifications—in my case, more than I was consciously aware of.

But in every moment, the call is the same: to say Yes! to life.

What About You?

Now, I’m wondering about you. Are you answering the call? What holds you back? How do you say Yes? And No? Please share in the comments below. Believe me, you are not alone in whatever you are struggling with, and sharing benefits everyone.

Reflecting on these questions is the beginning of lifting the veils. We tell the truth. We feel the pain of self-betrayal.

And we live in the exquisite boldness of a life fulfilled.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you will write a book or quit your day job. The bold action for you might be to meet a loved one undefended, to not check your email for the zillionth time, to spend the extra moment with someone who needs it. And to realize who you are when fear and deficiency are seen through—infinitely peaceful, powered by love.

When you get out of the way, life, bursting with infinite potential, is right here, waiting for your kind and patient attention.

Comments? Questions? I’d love to hear…

A note to subscribers: If you receive posts by email or RSS feed, you don’t need to do a thing—delivery will continue as is. My twitter name has changed to @GBGailBrenner, but everyone who was following has been transferred to the new account. And I’m working on Facebook—it’s more complicated. Technology! I’m becoming more of an expert than I ever thought was possible.

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Is Your Comfort Zone Really That Comfortable?

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.”

~Eugene Ionesco

Who doesn’t want to be comfortable? I love it when I have everything I need, when I’m relaxed, when I’m sitting in a cozy chair and I feel at ease with the people I’m with. All is well.

But there is this imaginary place we call our “comfort zone,” and I’m wondering if it is really all that comfortable.

What Is the Comfort Zone?

Let’s explore this idea of a comfort zone to see if it is actually supporting you and your happiness. What is it exactly?

It is not a real place. It is an idea created by you.
Its function is to keep you feeling safe.
It is what you know and are familiar with in all areas of your life—relationships, choices, how you spend your time—even thoughts patterns and feelings.
It excludes things you are afraid of or uncomfortable with.

Your comfort zone doesn’t sound like a bad place to be—unless you are comfortable with disharmonious relationships you avoid working on, unfulfilling behavior patterns, resentments from the past, and beliefs about yourself and the world that limit you.

It’s about keeping the status quo. And what is the force behind it? Fear.

It’s All About Fear

If you have a comfort zone, you must also have a discomfort zone. And what’s out there in the discomfort zone? All those experiences you are afraid of. Consider these:

Emotions you have been avoiding;
Changes that seem risky;
Potential and possibility that you aren’t allowing yourself to see;
The unknown, outside of what you believe to be true;
Ease with whatever life brings you;
The freshness of life unfolding as it is.

Living in your comfort zone divides the whole of reality into areas that are acceptable and unacceptable. It is a mind-created, fear-based division that requires you to manage your life experience so you don’t stray into unfamiliar territory.

Although you stay safe, you draw imaginary lines in the totality of what is possible that keep you stuck, scared, and dissatisfied. Feeling worthless, small, or doubtful, spinning your wheels in old baggage, thinking of yourself as a victim, habits that don’t serve—these are the province of the comfort zone.

The comfort zone may be safe, but what does it deny? Enthusiasm, wonder, curiosity, and infinite possibility beyond the mind’s limits. Is it really that comfortable?

Out Beyond Comfort

If you want your experience to be different than it is, if you’re not happy, then you are being offered a golden invitation—to go outside your comfort zone and get to know discomfort.

Sometimes life throws us out there whether we want it or not. Your wife says she wants a divorce, tragedy strikes, you watch your child going down a troubled path, you win the lottery. These are life-changing experiences that shatter our ideas about how things should be and make us reconsider everything.

But you don’t need to wait for an extreme life event. Connect with your heart and see what you really want. I doubt you’re truly comfortable playing it safe.

So what to do? Get comfortable with discomfort.

Realize that staying in the comfort zone takes effort and vigilance. It resists what is. It hides from what is true. It makes you believe you are fraction of who you really are.

Step away from playing it safe, and you enter the world of possibility. You stop basing your life on what is false and instead tell the truth.

Let yourself feel the fear that has been driving you, then don’t let it rule.
Experience the emotions that underlie your compulsive habits. It’s the only way to be free of them.
Have the hard conversations that you know will clean up your life. And it might be a conversation with yourself.
Be willing to answer the call to leap into the unknown.
Question every single way you define who you are to see if it is actually true.

You are welcome to stay in the comfort zone, if that is your preference. But be willing to tell the truth: is it really that comfortable?

Are you afraid of discomfort? Have you stepped out of your comfort zone? I’d love to hear…

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Note: Here is the video of a panel I moderated at the Science and Nonduality Conference. Topic is Spiritual Teaching, Psychotherapy, and the Quest for the Truth. Enjoy!

The Graceful Path of Emotions

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
~William James

“If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase.”
~Epictetus

If you want to be happy and at ease in your everyday life, you need to be wise about what to do with feelings. Hiding from feelings or having them run wild in you, neither of these will bring you peace.

In the last post, I said, “Don’t follow feelings,” a proposition that resonated for some of you but raised questions for others. So let’s look more closely at the landscape of feelings.

Let These Unfold in You

Be aware. Sometimes you can’t help but be aware of feelings. They stare you in the face or completely consume you. But more often than you might realize, feelings sit below the surface of your conscious awareness.

If you are unhappy, confused, or stuck in frustrating habits, unseen feelings are likely to be the cause. Let yourself open to the feelings that may be present by simply being aware of them.

Be very clear about what a feeling is. Bring a laser-like curiosity to your experience of feelings to discover what they actually are. Just saying, “I feel sad,” or “I feel angry” isn’t the whole picture. When you take an honest look, you will see that what we call a feeling is a set of physical sensations and a story running in your mind. This story is probably very familiar to you, as it has been recycled millions of times. So go deeper and realize that there are physical sensations in your body.

This understanding is key because it pierces through the power that feelings can have. When you get that the story is unsatisfying and doesn’t serve, you can turn your attention away from it. And you can notice physical sensations, which are not a problem at all when seen in isolation as merely sensation with no story attached.

Welcome feelings. Be open and aware so you don’t fight the feeling. It’s very simple. You just turn toward it and say hello. Hello, fear. Hello anger. Then look straight into it to see what the feeling is – a label, a story, and physical sensations. Without feeding the content of the story, let all of it be.

Welcoming feelings takes away their power and offers the space for your natural, vibrant life to be revealed.

Realize that feelings are temporary. What makes feelings get stuck is recycling the associated story in your mind. When you are no longer interested in the story, you see that feelings come and go, if you let them, just like clouds passing overhead. And here you are, the stable presence in which all of it arises.

Let These Fall Away

Avoiding and resisting makes things worse. Avoidance of feelings is at the root of compulsions, addictions, and all matter of troublesome behavior. You can’t choose wisely if you are propelled by unseen emotions. When you are ready to get honest with yourself, acknowledge the feelings and learn how to work with them intelligently.

Want feelings to stay stuck? Feed the story. The story starts with the label of your experience, as in, “I’m furious right now.” And it goes on with a whole melodrama about what should and shouldn’t have happened. This is a kind of resistance to what is as you are rolling unpleasant thoughts around in your head rather than experiencing what is actually present.

Turning away from stories, especially very familiar ones, leaves you available to notice what is actually here. You stop thinking about what is happening and instead experience directly what is happening.

Don’t follow feelings. If your life is not as harmonious as you want it to be, you are most likely letting feelings guide your decisions. You feel an old resentment, so you stew about it or show up at a family gathering ready to take things personally or make impulsive choices so you don’t have to actually deal with your feelings. Maybe you feed fear which makes you limit yourself in so many painful ways.

If feelings are unexplored, they will have control over you. But when you know what feelings are present – and you know that you want peace and sanity in your life – you can make beautiful, wise, conscious choices that support your happiness that are not driven by feelings.

In a Crisis…

Chronic feelings are the ones that feed familiar ongoing habits that leave you dissatisfied and unfulfilled. And these are the ones that are asking for your direct and loving attention.

But acute feelings may require a different approach. In the middle of a life crisis, when you are dealing with tragedy, loss, or grief, your emotions may be so strong, so consuming that you can’t step back and be aware of them.

In these situations, focus instead on your moment-to-moment self-care. Be around supportive people. Eat well and exercise as best you can. Get professional help, if needed. Painful feelings may come in waves, so let them be, and notice the times when the feelings subside.

Eventually, you will know when the time is ripe for you to reflect on what has happened so your heart stays open. But be gentle with yourself, no need to rush it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once you realize that feelings don’t have to control you, they start to lose importance. The drama ends, and you realize you are conscious and alive in the moments of your life. That is how it has always been, but you were too caught up in feelings to notice. How amazing to recognize that peace is always possible!

Now go forth and enjoy…

Are feelings a sticking point for you? Have you discovered that you are free? I’d love to hear…

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Want to Be Happy? Don’t Follow Your Feelings

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

I know what it’s like to live a life driven by emotion, and believe me, it won’t make you happy. Someone shows up late, and you are triggered by fear and anger. You get some negative feedback, and you sulk in sadness. You live in anxiety, chewing on thoughts about what will happen next and if it will all be okay.

It’s like you’re a yo-yo on a string, with your happiness tied to all the circumstances in your life that you cannot control. If you ask me, this is no way to live.

Guided by Emotions

Until you become fully aware of your inner experiences, emotions will rule. Guaranteed. Emotions are highly conditioned, meaning that they are automatic reactions that arise in you in response to things that happen. A memory comes to mind? You don’t need to make yourself feel sad, you just do, and your whole day may be affected.

And it’s not only about how you feel.

If you make decisions based on emotions, you are unlikely to be happy and fulfilled. You feel empty and choose the first potential partner who comes along, even though the red flags are flying everywhere. Because you are afraid, you don’t reach out to engage fully in the world. Your resentment keeps your heart closed and your relationships stuck year after year.

You are making choices all the time – are these the ones you really want to be making?

I didn’t think so. Maybe it’s time to shine the spotlight on emotions. Once you no longer let them guide you, you uncover the natural intelligence that flows in you and realize that living in calm and clarity is absolutely possible. Things simplify tremendously as you stop resisting life.

And here’s the amazing truth. You don’t need to get rid of any emotions or change them into happier ones. That takes way too much effort.

Instead, become aware of the feelings that take you over because once you see how feelings have been driving you, you can put them aside. Really, it’s possible. Then you have the space to be reasonable, flexible, and smart about how you live.

It’s a practical and relaxed way of being that ends the drama of chaos and confusion.

Shining the Spotlight

Your starting point is anything that you call a problem. An unresolved relationship from the past, work stress, an ongoing situation that frustrates you. Now,

Connect with the most intelligent part of you, the part that wants sanity and knows that peace is possible.

From there, shine the spotlight on the emotion that is fueling the problem. Simply recognize whatever you are feeling and notice the gap between you and the feeling.

Step back to take a look at the big picture so you can see how the emotion isn’t serving you. Is it fear or anger? Sadness or jealousy? Is it helping or hurting? Ask honest questions to realize that it limits you and masks your true beauty that is aching to be seen.

Now, consider bundling up the feeling and putting it aside. Why? Clarity tells you that it doesn’t serve, it’s not reasonable, and it doesn’t bring you happiness. Without any judgment or struggle, just for a moment, take the feeling out of your way. Put it on a shelf somewhere – you can always bring it back later.

Step forth unencumbered, free. Experience how your body feels without the weight of the feeling. See how open your mind can be when it is no longer entangled in the web of emotion.

Let’s return to the problem you started with. Now that emotions are out of the picture, how do things look different? What new choices come to mind? How does your body feel?

Even if this process seems difficult for you, imagine what it would be like to be free of feelings. Take any problem at any time. Look for the emotion in it, then put it aside. Immediately, you experience clarity, openness, and a fresh perspective.

Living Clarity

Difficult feelings can be like old friends who have overstayed their welcome. You are used to them being around, but you don’t really enjoy their company.

Know this, in your heart of hearts: Feelings are temporary, and you can let them go. They don’t have to guide and define you. Moment after moment, you can find the place in you that is free of emotion. And when you do, live there happily with clarity, intelligence, and love.

Are you stuck in emotions? Can you put them aside? I’d love to hear…

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The Art of Practical Happiness

“Let the beauty of love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
~Rumi

There is no doubt about it…I’m happy. Stop me at any random moment, and there it is – the deepest acceptance, heart full, primed for joy.

It’s not like I’m grinning from ear to ear in every moment. I’m simply happy. I don’t worry about the future or fret over what is happening now. I’m just here, present, awake to things as they are. To say that I go with the flow is an understatement.

Letting Go

The key to happiness is to let go. I have found that when I let go of ruminating, defending, and getting caught up in the drama of situations and relationships, happiness is here. It’s the most natural thing and miraculous at the same time. Right here and available by letting go.

This is not to say that troubles don’t arise. The other day, I woke up with a cloud of irritation over my head. I knew I could have easily been short with the people around me, which would have created disharmony and tension for sure.

But I was consciously aware of the mood that was paying me a visit, and set an intention to be kind in my interactions. I felt the urge to snap back, but chose kindness instead. Poof! Irritation gone.

Effortlessly Being Happy

I don’t fight unhappiness so I can make sure that I stay happy – it takes much less effort than that. I have seen that what I thought was true about myself and the world is actually false, and I’ve completely lost interest in it.

Anything personal – needs, demands, expectations, rules about how the world should work, what people should do – I just don’t give it any attention. I function in the world as a person with a name, age, gender, and appearance, but what I really am is peace.

I trust completely, which is why I don’t need to rely on thoughts, or even feelings, anymore. I know that the intelligence and clarity of life is perfect, and that’s where I live. Nothing personal to this illusion of “me” matters.

Practical Happiness

Even if you don’t consciously know this experience I’m describing, you can try it on to see what it feels like. Here is a window into my experience of daily life.

Ignore thoughts. It’s taken a few years, but I really see that about 98% of the thoughts that appear in my mind aren’t useful. They’re gibberish with no meaning. So I don’t pay attention to them. Play with that just for a short time, and you will see problems vanish.

See everyone and everything as yourself. It is true at the absolute level of reality that there is no separation. The essence of you is the same as the essence of everyone and everything you see. Live like this for 30 seconds, and you will be in awe of the magnificence that you can’t get away from if you tried. (And sometimes we try very hard.)

When you are unsure or confused, stop and listen. Don’t get panicky, scrambling to figure anything out. It won’t help. Instead, stop, bring your attention back to presence, and just listen. This is how I order food in a restaurant and plan many of my days. I check in and let myself be guided.

Feel urges, but don’t act on them. Remember when I was irritated? I didn’t act on the urge. Stay very conscious when you are triggered, and make the choice you really want that benefits everyone. I know it’s hard, but do it anyway. Have happiness be your highest priority always, and the rest falls right into place.

The body is your friend. When you are distracted by unhappy stories, bring your attention into the body. Just let the physical sensations be as they are. They will ground your attention as you return to sanity. This was helpful for me for a long time, but only rarely necessary now.

When you are triggered, always shift your attention to being aware. Thoughts, feelings, tendencies, stories, these are all objects that arise in awareness. Let them go, and simply be aware. Awareness is your true nature – boundless, completely at peace, infinitely loving. Live here in glorious surrender. That’s what I do.

Be fully conscious. In order to be fully conscious, you need to let go of all ideas about anything and everything. Pay attention to no mental activity whatsoever. In the silence, there is no body, no separate you, no space, no time. All division falls away, and only This remains – aliveness, awareness, being.

Happiness isn’t mysterious, and it is more available to you than you could ever imagine. It’s right here. I’m not special or extraordinary for knowing this. If I’ve had one blessing it is that the fire to know abiding happiness grabbed me and wouldn’t let go, and for that I am on my knees in gratitude.

How to know the art of practical happiness? Follow what is most alive in you. Then live it up in joy and celebration.

Comments? Questions? I’d love to hear…

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