Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

TwitterYoutubeFacebookGoogle +

The Ease of Non-Attachment

“Non-attachment is not the elimination of desire. It is the spaciousness to allow any quality of mind, any thought or feeling, to arise without closing around it, without eliminating the pure witness of being. It is an active receptivity to life.”
~Stephen Levine

Some time ago, I was speaking to a charming 92-year-old woman who was in a nursing home following a fall and faced with the probability of never returning to the home she had lived in for decades.

When I asked her how she felt about this transition, with quiet strength she responded, “I’m not attached.”

She told me that as a young girl following the death of her mother, she learned that being attached brought her suffering and being open to the comings and goings of life brought a sense of ease.

This understanding enabled her to live life to the fullest—she had many wonderful adventures—as she was no longer afraid of what she could lose. She lived in true acceptance, and her sense of peace was palpable.

What can we learn about this profound message of non-attachment? Simply said, when we make our happiness dependent on people, money, success, possessions, circumstances, or even life itself, we suffer.

Attachments are sticky. Our freedom goes out the window as we spend our energy trying to keep what we want and reject what we don’t want, trying to feel safe, comfortable, and fulfilled.

Then when things don’t go our way, we feel let down and disappointed, concluding that life isn’t fair. We live in fear of what we could lose.

Consider these examples:

  • I need attention and approval from others to be happy.
  • I need to feel safe, so I can’t explore life outside my comfort zone.
  • I’m attached to routines and habits.
  • I need to feel peaceful and don’t like feeling agitated and upset.
  • I need others to change—or stay the same.
  • I’m attached to staying young; I’m afraid of aging and death.

If we stay mired in our attachments, we’re resisting reality. It’s like living in a room filled with furniture—everywhere we turn we bump into something.

And caught in stories about what we should or shouldn’t have, we’re distracted from the free flow of what life has to offer us. We contract into the known and resist expanding into wonder, potential, and spontaneity.

Can you feel into what it’s like to be attached? How do you feel in your body?

Recognizing your attachments, the invitation arises to reflect on how you want to meet whatever appears in the moments of your life.

You may not be able to control what happens, but you can choose how you show up to what comes.

There is nothing wrong with being attached—it’s part of being human along with grieving the loss of those we love. And, if we want peace, if we want to align with the truth of our experience, can we say “yes” to reality as it is?

Can we meet our reactions—the grief and fear—with an open heart capable of holding it all?

When we remove the veil of our attachments, along with our personal ideas about what is and isn’t okay, miraculously here we are…one with life, free, and fully alive.

image credit

Soften Something

“You are not separate from the whole. You are one with the sun, the earth, the air. You don’t have a life. You are life.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Soften something. This is a phrase I once heard in a yoga class—it’s an invitation that is simple and profound…

Soften something…see what happens when you let this possibility melt into you…

Immediately, your attention falls away from the outer world and turns inward to the inner landscape of your experience.

The invitation to soften something points to our conditioned patterns that mask the essential truth of who we are. What we soften are the tension of unresolved traumas, the emotions that won’t let us rest, and the nonstop thought loops in our minds that make us suffer.

And what’s revealed is relaxation, ease, and peace…We expand into the living reality that is always here beyond the layers of our conditioning.

So let’s investigate the possibility of softening something where contractions tend to live—in the body, mind, and heart.

Body

Bring your attention to the body. See if you notice places that feel agitated, tight, stuck, or numb. These are signs of old fears and other undigested emotions.

What would it take to soften something? Maybe you can breathe a little more deeply using the whole volume of your lungs or take a stretch to find more openness in places that feel tense.

Maybe just inviting softening in is enough for you to relax a little more.

Mind

How can you soften in your mind? If you notice a whirlwind of thinking, maybe you can step back and let the thoughts whirl without getting involved in what they’re saying. Maybe you can let the stories be—just for now.

If you notice a knot of self-judgment or a familiar theme of doubt, worry, negativity, or hating what is, maybe you can soften something.

Can you bring spaciousness to these thought patterns?

Heart

Now notice how you pull away from other people—and from life. Maybe these walls were helpful in the past so you could feel safe. But is it possible to step a little bit more into life as it is right now?

Can you soften something so you can turn toward yourself with compassion? Can you hear and see others without the veil of fear? Maybe soften something to find a little more intimacy with what’s here right now in the present moment…

The momentum of conditioning is powerful, and it closes us off from truly experiencing the magnificence of life.

In any moment, soften something in the body, mind, or heart. Notice as your whole experience shifts…and openly receive what comes…

image credit

What Is Your Window on the World?

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, Infinite.”
~ William Blake

How does your world look to you? Is it scary and uninviting? Filled with people who complicate your life?

Does it leave you with a sense that something’s missing?

As a formerly unhappy and confused person, now recovered, here’s what I’ve learned: it has nothing to do with the world.

Why? Because the world is a projection of our inner state.

That’s right. There’s no objective world “out there.” It’s all in how we see it. Take any two people, and you’ll probably find two completely different perspectives on exactly the same situation.

How we experience things depends entirely on our inner state, our interpretations, our past, and our points of view.

It’s like you’re looking out through a window. If your window is layered with unresolved hurts and distorted ideas about yourself, how will the world look to you? Scary, frustrating, and ultimately disappointing.

And if your view is pristine and clear, with no layers in the way, the world feels inviting. You’re open, expansive, trusting, and fully available to what is.

Take a moment to reflect: what is your window on the world? How do you move through life?

A friend once told me that she used to feel flooded by judgments of how her partner couldn’t do anything right. And, not surprisingly, expressing these judgments created friction in their relationship.

Then she had an illuminating—and profoundly transforming—insight. She realized that whenever these judgments flooded in she was also feeling stressed and overwhelmed by her work.

She hadn’t been aware of how much her inner experience was clouding her window on the world.

She stopped giving attention to these negative thoughts and instead reconnected with herself—a few minutes alone after work, a walk to decompress, deep and conscious breathing—and the judgments miraculously dissolved.

See how valuable it is to turn toward your inner experience? That’s how you untangle challenging situations and find clarity about the real cause of problems. And that’s how intelligent solutions come to light.

In fact, knowing about the window you’re looking out of by exploring your inner landscape is the only path that will clear up confusion and bring you back to a settled place inside.

And here’s a hint to keep in mind: any distress you feel has nothing to do with the other person or the situation you’re in and is always an invitation to go within to explore your window—your own views, stories, and reactions—with tenderness and care.

My invitation to you today is to turn inward toward yourself to get a sense of your window on the world. Here are some questions to help you:

  • How do you view the world?
  • Go deeper within. What are the inner beliefs, stories, and emotions behind this view?
  • How would a clear window look to you with nothing in the way? How would it feel? How would you get there?

Seeing things as they are, without the layers of conditioning, may be more possible than you think. As an experiment, play with abandoning your opinions and attachments. Turn off the familiar stories and beliefs that cloud your view.

And here you are…fully present and intimate with all…

image credit 

The Heart and Soul of a Peaceful Life

“Stay close to anything that makes you glad you are alive.”
~Hafiz

Is your daily life filled with struggle? Are you prone to feeling stressed, out of sorts, and just plain unhappy?

It is absolutely true that a peaceful life is possible for you. It’s not going to happen by magic, and it might take a while for the changes to settle in.

But if you decide to make peace a priority, then you will start to notice that it seeps in everywhere.

Where you once saw disharmony and confusion, you’ll now experience ease and well-being.

A peaceful life doesn’t mean that challenges and difficulties don’t arise. It is not about creating a perfect life or engineering things to be exactly as you want them to be. And it’s not about waiting for others to change so you can be peaceful.

After all, how much control do you really have over what happens?

The heart of a peaceful life has everything to do with how you receive what you experience. Circumstances arise, and you have emotional reactions to them. You get laid off, and you feel angry. The love of your life shows up, and you are filled with joy.

Peace comes when you say “Yes!” to the reality of all your experiences with openness and and grace.

When you stand squarely in the possibility of peace, anything can arise, and you, as the ground of being, are not disturbed.

Are you ripe for a peaceful life? Here are some things for you to consider—and bring alive in your daily lived experience.

Be aware of expectations.

If what you expect doesn’t happen, you are primed for disappointment and frustration. Expectations are in conflict with life and make you resist what is being offered to you.

And when you don’t expect anything, you are open to receiving life as it unfolds naturally. You are in sync with reality.

Recognize when expectations have taken over your thoughts. Reconnect with your longing for a peaceful life, let the filter of expectations go, and take things in exactly as they are.

When you feel hurt, a young part of you has been activated.

If you evaluate everything according to your needs and desires, you are bound to feel hurt. Rarely, are people actually trying to hurt you. You feel that way because the situation has triggered a young feeling in you about being unnoticed, unheard, or unloved.

Explore this feeling to its root by letting go of the story and experiencing the sensations in your body. Take care of that young part of you that needs your love and care.

Use feeling hurt as an opportunity to explore within rather than blaming someone else, and your relationships will be much more harmonious.

Are you attached to being right?

Arguing your viewpoint brings suffering to your everyday life. If you are attached to being right, you will see others as wrong. You will react to their opinion and try to change their perspective. Needing to be right is all about resistance and separation.

Instead, bring to mind your desire for peace. Does needing to be right serve? What options do you have besides pushing your point?

Be curious instead of right. Listen deeply to understand the other’s point of view, and ask questions. Lovingly, with an open and generous heart, let others have their way. Decide to be close and connected instead of right.

Peace will pour into your life like a waterfall.

Don’t hide from your feelings.

When feelings are too strong or painful to experience, they go underground and wreak all kinds of havoc on your life. This is the source of addictions, complicated relationship dynamics, and general anxiety and dissatisfaction.

The road to peace is to be kind and friendly toward your emotions. Welcome them like a gracious, loving host, and allow them to be present…without acting on them.

Avoiding or indulging your feelings gives rise to endless dramas that are far from peaceful. Instead, simply take your stand as loving awareness and welcome them unconditionally. This is how clarity and connection—to yourself and to life—will appear to you.

Your Peaceful Life

A lovely, peaceful life is available for you. Commit to being aware of your inner landscape to see how suffering appears. Be aware of how your mind turns neutral occurrences into problems. Then turn away from the battle with yourself and the world, and let things be. Just relax…

You will know the heart and soul of a peaceful life.

Are You Attached? Here’s the Way to Freedom

“The work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work on the images imprisoned within you.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

If the world out there doesn’t feel safe and welcoming to you, if you can’t be peaceful inside no matter what you try, then you may want to take a look at what you’re attached to.

What is it like to be attached?

  • You can’t be happy unless others respect, love, or approve of you;
  • You’re waiting for someone to apologize so you can be at peace;
  • You think your contentment in life depends on the right job, relationship, or family;
  • You expect other people to listen to and understand you—and get upset when they don’t.

We’re attached when we want someone or something outside ourselves to give us what we think we need to feel happy, whole, or peaceful.

Here’s the reality of being attached: we’re caught in a story of what we don’t have or what we lack, and we’re left waiting, hoping, and ultimately disappointed. We feel like a victim, putting our precious happiness in the hands of something we can’t control—what other people say or do and our life situations.

So how to get unstuck if you’re putting off your happiness waiting for something outside yourself to change?

If you want to be happy (who doesn’t?), you’re called to approach the problem from a different perspective.

As Einstein wisely said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

The new level of consciousness that is needed is to turn toward your experience and look within. Forget about looking out to the world, hoping to get the love or apology you think you need.

Instead,

  • Identify the story you’re telling yourself because it is a story designed to make you feel separate and lacking;
  • Experience how it painfully limits you; and
  • Experiment with losing interest in this story and bringing your attention fully into the present moment.

Rather than focusing on the loop of the story playing over and over in your head, take a breath and come back to what’s here and present right now.

Turning inward, what you might notice first is the pain you’ve been living with. For most of us, it’s the despair of a young child who didn’t get the love and care she or he needed. Putting the story aside, there’s the physical experience of this pain.

Now you’ve gotten to the root of the problem—the emotion that’s been lying here unexplored. And by noticing it, loving it, breathing with it, and letting it be present, it eventually begins to lose its power. It can’t hold up to the light of loving awareness.

You stop justifying the pain and waiting for resolution…and form a friendly and loving relationship with your own experience. This is how you become free of longing for something you don’t have and find the peace and happiness, right now, that you’ve wanted all along. It’s an incredibly kind way to be.

The painful feeling of not getting what you think you need will probably return many times, but each time is an opportunity to lovingly welcome your inner experience.

Being attached to an outcome you can’t control creates division that reinforces the idea that you’re separate and lacking—and it just doesn’t feel good. Turning toward what arises in you invites love, clarity, and compassionate understanding.

Instead of living in lack, you discover acceptance, celebration, and the simple joy of being alive.