Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

TwitterYoutubeFacebookGoogle +

Is It Time to Come Out of Hiding?

out_of_hiding1

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”
~Soren Kierkegaard

It takes so much energy to hide from yourself. And it’s such a relief to let yourself be seen.

You realize that you’re essentially whole, that who you are has never been broken or lost. Coming out of hiding is the choice that will begin to set you free.

Discover the Hidden Core

Hiding from ourselves is at the root of all suffering. Are you suffering? Then it’s guaranteed that you’re avoiding some part of your inner experience.

If you’re caught in feeling shameful or inadequate, if you feel alienated, confused, or alone, if your relationships are fiery or shut down—then some thought or feeling is there in you that hasn’t yet seen the light of day.

Do you find yourself playing out unsatisfying habits, even with your best intentions not to? There is a hidden core that remains unexamined.

  • You’re avoiding feelings that you’re afraid to experience.
  • You ignore the signals that appear in your body.
  • You take for granted that you’re small, limited, and lacking.

And the amazing secret is: you’re not only hiding from your feelings, you’re overlooking your true magnificence, the natural aliveness that is the essence of you. Yes!

Hiding Creates Inner Division

If you hide from your experience, you set up imaginary walls that determine which feelings are acceptable and unacceptable. A feeling arises, and your inner guard is on alert. Is it okay for that feeling to be experienced? Is it too painful and scary? Do I need to push it away and pretend it’s not there?

You end up feeling fragmented and insecure. And you spend your precious energy protecting, defending, and figuring out how to stay safe.

Coming Out of Hiding

Is it time to come out of hiding? Be fierce and gentle at the same time. Find the willingness within yourself to let everything be seen. It’s so freeing! And bring love and care to your experience as you shine the light on all your nooks and crannies. Be courageous, even fearless, with whatever you discover.

There’s really nothing to it, once you’re ready. Instead of turning your attention away into compulsive thinking, an activity, conversation, or any other way you know you distract yourself, turn your attention toward your experience. Just be curious to see what’s present.

When you have an emotional reaction to something or someone, rather than going into your mind or lashing out, be quiet with your own direct experience. It’s been given to you, so you have a choice: ignore or welcome, defend or embrace.

Ground yourself as the expansive field of presence that includes everything. Then feel what appears. Let your attention fall deeply into the sensations in your body. Simply be with them.

This is where the heart of any stuck emotion lies—in the physical sensations.

Each time an emotion arises, feel it in your body. You might start with 30 seconds, then a minute, then as much time as you need. Allow the sensations simply to be in the sacred embrace that accepts all.

True Welcoming

Sounds simple, right? Now, here’s the paradox. Welcoming emotions in order to get rid of them is not true welcoming. It’s like receiving a friend at your door and telling her she needs to leave as soon as you don’t want her there anymore. Doesn’t sound too friendly, does it?

There’s no goal other than to let things fully be as they are in the moment. That’s the way to freedom, the way out of hiding.

Have no preference for what appears—just allow it as is. Don’t choose this and not that. Don’t separate your experience into what’s okay and not okay.

Be so patient as your long-lost feelings emerge from the darkness of your inattention. Don’t worry about the time it takes. Every moment offers the invitation to be completely at one with yourself.

When you give up the fight with your experience, what becomes apparent is this: the peace of being, the simplicity of pure presence. Your inner guard no longer has a job because there’s nothing to protect or defend.

You’ve come out of hiding. The veils are gone. And here you are—peaceful, alive, and at ease.

What About You

Have you come out of hiding? Are you resisting? Please share in the comments. I’d love to hear…

image credit

The Way to Be with Emotions

way_to_be

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

~Rumi

Does this happen to you? No matter how much you want things to be different, here you are again with emotions grabbing you. You’re consumed in anger, overpowered by jealousy, or lost in pain.
When these common experiences visit you, which they will, how do you meet them? With frustration and resistance, just wanting them to go away?
There must be a kinder way for us to be with ourselves…

What Doesn’t Work

Here are some ways we struggle with our feelings:

  • You don’t like how you feel, but you don’t know what to do about it.
  • When you’re caught in emotions, you do and say things you regret.
  • Your attempts to change them fail, so you feel resigned to feeling that way forever.

No wonder you feel frustrated. Let’s go a little deeper to understand how you get locked in the grip of feelings…and learn the kind way of being with them.

Moving Toward

If you move toward emotions, you indulge them. You build dramatic stories around them and think and talk about them with great relish. You might say some version of, “I’m so upset! Can you believe he did that?”
Moving toward emotions keeps them very much alive in you with no chance for relief.

Moving Against

If you move against emotions, you fight them. You hate how you feel. Your attempts to control the feelings don’t work, but you are at a loss as to what to do about them. Your body feels like it’s on fire, and before you know it, you’ve said hurtful words.
People who move against often feel anger and frustration. You may even justify how you feel, which keeps the feeling locked firmly in place.

Moving Away

Moving away from emotions may be the most common reaction. Instead of calmly opening to what’s present, you avoid them like the plague, eating or drinking to excess, staying overly busy, and getting stuck in endless thinking. Anything so you don’t have to feel them.
An ignored emotion stays hidden, and a hidden emotion is at the root of inadequacy, self-criticism, shame, relationship troubles, and addictions.
What do these strategies have in common?
  • Emotions stay stuck.
  • You are afraid of feeling it.
  • You resist experiencing what’s actually here in the present moment.

The Way to Be: Not Moving

But there’s another option, and it’s the one that will set you free. Rather than trying to fix your emotions by moving toward, against, or away, consider not moving at all.
An emotion appears, and you stop. You feel caught in its grip, and you take a conscious breath. With the desire for freedom alive in your heart, you lovingly turn toward the feeling, and say, “Hello.”
The lump of sadness in your chest? Welcome it like a long lost friend knocking on your door. The fire of anger? Let it burn if it wants to.
Your mind may try to convince you to avoid your feelings. But don’t believe it. Go beyond the fear to meet what’s being offered to you as a holy gift.
Stop believing you’re damaged and instead bring the power of loving infinite awareness to meet the emotions and anything else arising in the moment. It’s the way in to discovering the peace you long for.
Offer the sacred temple of loving presence to your emotions. It’s the wise and kind way to be.

image credit

What I Wish You Knew About Fear

wish-you-knew

“Being present to what is is the prelude to its disappearance.”
~Claudette Vidal

If you look into the heart of fear, what do you find? Nothing.

Fear: it’s a word, a set of letters that we agree has a certain meaning. It’s a label for physical agitation in your body and a way of thinking that distorts things to look negative, pessimistic, and hopeless.

But what is it really? Nothing more than a belief, something we take to be true, an unquestioned emotion that dampens our enthusiasm.

Here’s what I wish you knew about fear: that it is absolutely possible to live in this world without being driven by it. How do I know? I’ve experienced a lot of fear, and I’ve seen through to the truth of it.

Not Driven by Fear

Notice I didn’t say we could live without fear. Fear may arise—it’s a normal experience in the human body, but it doesn’t have to be a problem. You get to the point where you’re not driven by it, you’re not interested in it, and it doesn’t touch your wisdom and clarity.

If you see it clearly for what it actually is, shining the laser light of conscious awareness directly on it, it falls apart and stops affecting you.

Whenever I think I might be afraid of something (which hardly happens anymore), I question what I’m experiencing, and the fear slips away, like sand through my fingers. I don’t attach any meaning to it, so it completely loses its power.

The Power of Fear

Fear creates all kinds of chaos when we buy into it. We’re afraid to be alone, afraid of not having enough money, afraid of getting too close to people, afraid of failing (or succeeding), afraid the truth about ourselves will be exposed, afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone, afraid of death.

It’s at the root of procrastination, addiction, compulsive behavior, neediness, clinging, inadequacy, guilt, and envy. Not to mention prejudice, hate, wars, and violence of all kinds.

Fear divides, separates, and alienates. It conceals love, which is the essential fabric of everything. It makes us feel like we’re half-alive, hitting walls everywhere as we bumble through life. We miss out on the juice of actually living.

When we live in fear, we’re caught in tunnel vision. And we overlook the actual reality of who we are. Who you are is not this fearful, limited being cowering in the face of life, although you may be a master at playing that role.

When you see what fear is and it falls away, this becomes clear: you are luminous, already fulfilled, naturally loving, effortlessly grateful. This is you in this very moment!

Questioning Fear

I invite you to not take fear for granted. Don’t be resigned to a life ruled by fear—it’s optional, it’s a choice, and it doesn’t have to be your reality.

How to see through fear? Rather than run from it, question it. Take a moment when you are experiencing fear, and be willing to investigate it to see what is actually happening.

Don’t assume that what I’m offering here is true. Follow through on your own with these inquiry processes about thoughts and feelings. Then you will directly see through the fallacy of fear in your own experience. You will know it to be false.

Inquire: What thoughts are present?

Notice that the content of fearful thoughts is negative and limiting. They are pure imagination: imagining that an undesired outcome will happen in the future, imagining that you are perceiving a person or situation correctly, when you’re not. They close you down to the truth.

What is the truth? You don’t know what will happen. Whatever the thoughts say is one of an infinite number of possibilities. Isn’t it just as likely that something amazing could happen? Or something mildly pleasant, or neutral? Isn’t it possible that your view of the person or situation is just plain wrong?

The Medicine

Fearful thoughts expect the worst. Realize that this is fear-fueled, distorted mind and not true reality. To say it simply: don’t believe them. Instead, say, “I don’t know what will happen.” Or “What is really going on here?” Don’t listen to your mind. Be so incredibly open to every possibility.

When fearful thoughts arise, take a breath. Say, “Wait a minute.” Be still for a moment. Stop going headlong into this familiar way of being. Then shine the light of presence on your experience to see what is true. Abandon the false ideas of fear. They don’t accurately describe you, others, or the future.

Embrace what you actually know to be true—your present moment experience right now. You don’t have to be attached to what you think will happen in the future and run your whole life around it. It’s just not logical. Because you can’t know it anyway.

If you are awake to your life as it unfolds, you can trust that you will know exactly what you need to know. It is revealed in the moment. This is a fact.

Inquire: What feelings are present?

We call fear an emotion. What exactly is the experience of feeling afraid?

Move your attention away from it to observe. And when you do, you notice how much the experience of fear is physical. When you name your experience as fear, there are lots of sensations in the body—vibration, fluttery feelings, tightening, contraction, nausea. These sensations can be very uncomfortable and difficult to tolerate.

What else is present? Thoughts about fear—and all of them are distorted. Like we saw above, they are really like a horror show, making you think negatively, and incorrectly, about yourself, others, and the world.

If you lose interest in these thoughts, what remains? Physical sensations. They may be strong, but do they have any inherent meaning? No. Just the experience of sensations coming and going through you.

The Medicine

It’s so simple: welcome these sensations as they are. Don’t create stories about them or make them into something they’re not. They are only physical sensations.

When you realize they are present and you stop ignoring them, you are simply here with your experience. Where’s the problem now?

Good for you…you have untangled fear! You can see it for what it actually is: physical sensations and distorted thoughts. Now that all of this is conscious to you, can you see any reason to let fear rule?

The Takeaway

If fear has been your companion for a long time, you may by now define yourself by it. But it is not who you are.

Without the identity of fear, who are you? What do you do? How do you function?

By focusing on fear, you overlook so much. Once released from seeing through the limiting eyes of fear, everything is fresh and new. How your body feels, the choices you make, how you relate to others—the possibilities are infinite.

Without fear, the feeling of separation from yourself and the world falls away. You are open, available to what life offers, primed to say “Yes!” rather than that old familiar “no.” You are released from the bondage of fear. Blinders off, you are peaceful and calm. Anything is possible.

What About You?

So now you know what I wish you knew about fear. And I hand the baton to you. Will you apply this knowledge to your own experience? Are you struggling? Have you seen through to the truth of fear? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear…

Note: Please check out my recent post on MindBodyGreen.com about healing the pain of the past and an interview about the power of presence on Manifested Happiness.

image credit

5 Surprising Ways to Express Love

surprising_ways“Socrates showed us that thinking the truth is not enough. Truth demands to be lived.”

~Americ Azevedo

Real love is the essence of everything. In truth, everything and every moment is infused with it endlessly, if we’re open to seeing it.

Love has so many beautiful faces as it’s commonly expressed in the world: kindness, generosity, compassion, celebration, sharing joy…the list goes on. When our hearts are open and undefended, we taste the true heart that sees everything as one, the same, the infinite source of all.

From this perspective, everywhere we look we see ourselves. We are love itself.

But love isn’t always soft and sentimental. Grounding ourselves in true love where nothing is separate, we are fearless and whole.

Our actions aren’t based on any ideas about how we think we should act. Rather, they emerge from clarity as fresh responses that are perfectly appropriate to the moment.

They are aren’t thought out and habitual; they are free and spontaneous. And often surprising.

Consider these five less common, but enormously powerful ways to express love. Love may be more a part of your experience than you ever thought.

Saying No

The end of suffering comes when we say a continual Yes! to life, to things as they are. And that includes your inner knowing about situations that arise in your life. Yes doesn’t mean you always do, give, and support. It means that you see the big picture as well as all the details in it. Then the most loving action happens.

Maybe you aren’t comfortable around a friend who gossips. Or you don’t like how someone treats you. Maybe you don’t want to do what someone is asking of you. Or you feel taken advantage of.

Saying yes is opening to all aspects of what happens, including your own reactions. And from this openness, a wise “no” may be the clearest and most loving response.

Pleasing others is not always loving. If it comes from a generous heart, and others are happy, then you are freely giving what you already know to be true. There is nothing for you to get.

But when fear, need, guilt, or obligation are the drivers, tell the truth about these reactions until you see them with clarity. Then, fearlessly and kindly, just say “no.”

Silence

Our minds are often filled with endless chatter that affects how we show up in our daily lives. Do you fully pay attention? Do you babble on to fill up space? Are you afraid to just be quiet?

The root of these behaviors is distraction and unawareness. They suck the life out of life and block your appreciation of the living breathing reality of now.

Stop and ask, “How do I want to be in this moment?” You may find that the simplicity of silence is the most natural and aligned choice you could make.

Fearless Action

Fear-based action cannot possibly be an expression of love. Love is infinite, overflowing with potential, all-encompassing, and fearless. This is far from the picture that fear presents.

I can tell you from my own experience that you can put fear aside and let fearlessness guide you. There came a time when I just wasn’t willing to give fear the authority it was trying to have. I didn’t care what the results were or how others would evaluate me. I just had to stop behaving according to the limits of fear.

The bound up, fearful me was finally put to rest, and what was revealed was life, so fresh and alive, love in motion!

A friend put it another way. When fear visited, she said, “I’m not available to that.” Done. End of story.

So no more complaining about what you could be doing if you weren’t afraid, OK? Take Nike’s advice: just do it.

Moving Toward Pain

It’s a survival instinct of the human form to move away from pain. But if you want to be deeply at peace, you must see how you fight your own experience.

Ignoring painful feelings keeps pesky habits locked into place. And rejecting feelings is rejecting a part of the preciousness that is you.

Open your heart to all of your experience. Every nuance of feeling, every tender contraction in the shadows of your body. Whatever comes, receive it with the deepest acceptance.

Be like the ocean that provides a home to all the life in it. Be a welcoming, loving host for everything that knocks on your door.

Listening

If you stand in the belief that, “I know,” then you will forget to listen. You think you’ve got it all figured out, while you are missing out on the clarity that comes by simply listening.

Truth speaks in a subtle whisper. It has nothing to do with fear and need and everything to do with love. It asks you to not know, to surrender control, and to receive.

In the moments of deep listening, you are empty and available, open to whatever appears. Can you open your heart and listen from the space of love?

* * * * * * *

Love is fierce, soft, tender, sharp, and everything in between. It doesn’t look any given way—it all depends on what arises in the freshness of the moment.

When conditioned beliefs have fallen away, all that remains is love. Live here. Clear your mind, and let yourself be surprised by how love moves.

What About You?

How is love expressed through you? How is it blocked? I’d love to hear…

image credit

How to De-Stress, Unwind, and Come Home to Yourself

de-stress

“Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways. Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses.”
~Arlen Price

I haven’t experienced stress for quite a long time—until recently. All of a sudden, I found myself anxious, pressured, and ruled by my to-do list which contains way too many things to accomplish.

I know how it happened—it’s the way any habit takes hold. In a moment of unconsciousness, a thought seems to be meaningful and important. It feeds a story about things to do and not enough time to do them. It shows up as tension in the body. And a veil of stress descends as pleasure and enjoyment in the doing melt away.

Sure, I can apply some techniques to reduce stress. I can take deep breaths, exercise, and get massages, all of which I do. But these are temporary fixes. I don’t want to live under the shadow of impending stress, hoping I can find some relief.

I want to get to the source of the problem so I can be free of it. I want true, abiding peace. Why? Because it’s possible.

What I know to be absolutely true is that my essential nature is not capable of stress. There has to be a way to return to peace. And there is.

So let’s explore what we call stress because I’m far from the only one on the planet who experiences it. In the spirit of clear seeing, let’s bring out the laser to investigate:

  • What exactly is the direct experience of stress?
  • What does it take to shift from peace to stress?

An Opportunity for Exploration

It’s not wrong to feel stress, or anything for that matter. I know it’s a platitude to say that every experience is your teacher, but it’s true. Every single thing that occurs is either about fear or love.

If it comes from love, there’s nothing to do but enjoy and celebrate. But if it’s about fear, there is an opportunity for an empowering insight that can set you free. So let’s see what stress has to offer.

Stressful Mind

Events and happenings in the world aren’t inherently stressful. They just occur. What makes them stressful is the thoughts you have about them.

Stressful thoughts evaluate, compare, and make the present seem like it’s inadequate. They create a story of urgency. Things have to get done, they’re so important, and something terrible will happen if the list doesn’t get accomplished.

When stressful thoughts are in control, who’s the victim? You. Your whole reality centers around doing what they require of you in hopes that they will just stop. If only you push yourself to do the impossible, then maybe you will feel a smidgeon of peace. It’s a setup for…more stress.

And where are wisdom, intelligence, and clarity? Hidden behind the fog of thought. In order to access them, you need to look outside of your thoughts.

When you are feeling stressed:

  • Take a moment to become aware of the way you are thinking about the situation.
  • Recognize that these are distorted thoughts that don’t serve peace and happiness.
  • Find those lovely, transcendent qualities of wisdom, intelligence, and clarity, and establish yourself in them.
  • You have returned home. Now go forth from here.

Take away the urgency, and see everything with fresh eyes. Stress is replaced by wise choosing and efficient action.

Stressful Body

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that stress has a physical component. Tightness in the chest and shoulders, a stomach in knots—these are hallmarks of a body in stress. Let these go unchecked, and the body may start trying to get your attention with all sorts of physical problems.

You are unlikely to see through to the truth of what stress actually is without attention to the physical sensations. You can shift your attention away from stressful thoughts, but until you acknowledge the physical sensations, you are primed for more stress. Because unseen physical sensations are the seed for a slew of troublesome habits.

I know these sensations can be very uncomfortable. But running from them leaves the pattern of stress locked into place. So they are asking you to turn your loving attention toward them. It’s very simple.

  • Rest your attention in welcoming presence.
  • Notice whatever is appearing in your body.
  • Let the sensations be. They will do what they will do—change, intensify, decrease, disappear.
  • Be very accepting of whatever happens without any preference.

That’s it. You are so beautifully embracing your experience. You aren’t attached to what happens. You are simply being with what is, effortlessly present.

And remember this: the goal is not to make the sensations go away. This is resistance, and it won’t work anyway. You are not making anything happen; you are simply ignoring the mental noise and being with what is.

You experience the sensations without acting on them.

Freedom

Stressful thoughts and physical sensations come together to create the experience of stress. And both are a doorway to knowing your true nature as free of stress and fundamentally at peace.

Recognize the distorted stressful thoughts and live only in what is true. Welcome physical sensations with full awareness, and they are less likely to trigger stressful thinking. Be honest about what habits originate from stress. Intelligent exploration of thoughts and sensations creates the space for them to unwind.

Then question the one who experiences stress. Let the sense of you as separate from the world fall away, and see yourself as the all. The undivided universe is powered by love.

And stress is no match whatsoever for the power of love.

What About You?

Are you stuck in stress? Can you find your way back to peace? Sharing is most welcome…

Note for Santa Barbara locals: I’m hosting a meeting called Living in Truth. Please go to the Events page for information.

image credit