Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Start with One Small Action

“I want to unfold.
Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false…”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

​​​​​​​I’m going to say something utterly profound. Are you ready?

Here is it: if you want something about you or your life to change, you have to actually make the change.

Change isn’t going to happen by hoping it will happen. It won’t happen by reading that next self-help book. It won’t happen by talking about how miserable you are and how much you want to change.

How Does Change Happen?

Change happens when you take action—when you do something that’s different or unfamiliar, when you step out of your comfort zone and into the possibility of freedom.

  • If you want to stop smoking, you need to not pick up the next cigarette.
  • If you want to be more present, you have to stop listening to your mind starting with one second.
  • If you want to trust yourself more, you need to turn your attention inward rather than obsessively look outside for approval and validation.
  • If you want to lose weight, you have to not put that next cookie in your mouth.

I’ve been a psychotherapist for a long time and have studied many theoretical approaches. And in the end, it all boils down to one essential point. If you want to change, you’re going to need to do something differently.

I know it’s not rocket science, but it’s a vital truth you need to know.

Reframing Fear

So start contemplating: what small action can you make?

For many people, change is scary. We get used to our patterns—and stuck in them—even if these patterns bring us stress and unhappiness. Doing something different feels terrifying.

So let’s call this fear something else. It’s the excitement of stepping out into the unknown. It’s part of the path out of our perceived limitations. It’s the aliveness of truth and authenticity and the end of self-betrayal.

Right in this moment, you get to choose: being limited, stuck, and self-defeating or excited, real, and free.

Getting Practical—Do One Small Thing

I find it useful to think of small changes as experiments. You don’t need to change forever. You just change one thing one time and see what happens. You try something new and see how it goes. Simple, right?

My friend, Angie, constantly asks other people for their opinion. What should she wear? Should she go for a walk or see a movie? Should she eat now or later?

Her mind spins in whirlwinds of self-doubt. She’s lost complete trust in herself.

Of course, the answers to all of her questions are within, but how can she discover that?

She needs to do an experiment. Just one time, when she’s ready to pick up the phone to call someone for their opinion, she stops instead, and looks beyond the urge to reach out.

From a place of curiosity, she goes within and wonders if maybe she already knows the answer to the question she feels compelled to ask.

And that’s the beginning…

Come Up with an Experiment

If you want something to be different in your life, do an experiment. Make one small action, and see what you discover. Because when you do, you’ve just set the stage for wondrous things to happen.

Often, the best first action is a non-action, which is to stop. The patterns we carry out unconsciously are the source of our suffering. So the change is to not follow the pull of the pattern, and stop.

Stop and take a breath. Go within to connect with the wisest place in you. Take a look and see if want you want or need is already here.

Here are some more suggestions for one small action.

  • Just once, do a familiar conversation differently. If you tend to tell the other person how right you are (and how wrong they are), be quiet instead. If you tend to put up walls, say one vulnerable thing about yourself or give the other person a sincere compliment.
  • If you tend to judge—outwardly or within, put your hand on your heart and have a moment of compassion instead.
  • If you engage in a compulsive behavior, stop, breathe, and connect lovingly with what is happening in your body. Don’t do the behavior, so you can see what is driving it.
  • If you’re self-absorbed in your own mind or blocked and cut off, go to a cafĂ©, and silently offer love to each person there.

Making one small action is a huge start. But for things to fundamentally change, you need to keep at it.

Make your happiness a priority…one action at a time.

What About You?

What action will you take? What experiment would you like to do that takes you outside your zone of conditioning? Feel free to say in the comments below. I’d love to hear…

A Wise and Kind Relationship to Your Feelings

​​​​​​For the past two weeks, we’ve been studying emotions. You can find these past posts here and here. What have we discovered?

The Essence of Meeting Emotions

  • The physical body is primed to experience emotions. They’re normal.
  • Things get complicated when our thinking minds try to make sense of what’s happening. This creates rumination, worry, confusion, and irritation. Your mind just can’t let go of the story.
  • Avoiding emotions will keep you stuck in them.
  • Even though you want to avoid them, turning toward emotions is the path to being free of their grip.
  • Turning toward our emotions creates a new and friendly relationship with them.
  • Taking a slow and conscious breath is a helpful first step.
  • How to turn toward? Welcome all sensations, even the ones hiding out in the shadows of your body. Let everything be welcomed in the stillness of your being.

Being with Your In-The-Moment Experience

Here’s the paradox when it comes to emotions. Logic will tell us to avoid them because who wants to feel pain?

But turn toward them and worlds open up. Without paying attention to the story running in your mind, you get to notice your in-the-moment experience.

There are physical sensations…energies…vibration…and the space these experiences arise in. It’s a moment of peace when you meet your feelings as they are.

Avoiding feelings is divisive within and separates us from ourselves. We might call it inner war.

Turning toward and meeting emotions is the path to coming to peace with ourselves.

But don’t take my word for it. Right now, go inside and be with whatever is occurring. Without the mind’s interference, what do you notice? You’re simply allowing what’s here to be here—and it’s way more peaceful than resisting.

A New Relationship with Emotion

I received an email recently from someone who is on fire to explore her experience—even if it hurts (because that’s what it takes). And she made an amazing discovery. She is starting to notice how much fear underlies the addictive behaviors she plays out in her life.

What a revelation! Caught in the addictions, the fear goes unnoticed. But making the courageous move to be curious about her inner experience, she realized the depth of the fear that’s been driving her unsatisfying behavior.

Then her question was, “How do I overcome this fear?” Which means, “How do I win the fight over it? How do I conquer it?”

Basically, she is asking how to get rid of the fear. From my experience, that’s not possible.

First, she avoided the fear completely, not even realizing it was present.

Then she wanted to get rid of it.

And I am suggesting a third approach, which is to get curious about it.

The invitation is to form a new relationship with fear—or any emotion—that is friendly and kind.

  • Instead of panicking when an emotion is present, or hating that it’s here, you take a breath and say, “Hello, Emotion.”
  • You explore how it feels in the body.
  • And you make space for it to appear then float on.

This is the paradox when it comes to emotion. We turn toward our feelings with loving acceptance, and they stop derailing our happiness.

Like a miracle, we discover that by including our emotions and letting them be, there’s peace…lightness…and the sense that all is deeply okay.

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What You Need to Know About Emotions—Part 2

“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

​​​​​​​Last week we started talking about emotions. Why? Because they’re part of the human experience. Many of us find emotions overwhelming and don’t know how to be with them. If you’d like to review, please go here.

Why We Fear Emotions

What makes our emotions so challenging? Why are we motivated to avoid them at all costs? Here are some possibilities:

  • You’re scared to meet what you’ve been avoiding for so long.
  • You’re not confident in your ability be with your feelings.
  • You’re afraid you’ll be overwhelmed and won’t know what to do.
  • If you turn toward the pain, you’re afraid you’ll cry forever.
  • You’re afraid of being uncomfortable.

Or maybe you believe you’re justified in holding onto your feelings because you’ve been wronged by someone or you’re waiting for an apology that you think will make everything right.

Do any of these resonate with you?

There’s something that each of these reasons has in common. If you continue to avoid your emotions, you’re bound to stay stuck.

  • If you don’t turn toward the anxiety you feel, you’ll spin in worry forever.
  • If you don’t meet your sadness with loving acceptance, it will always be tugging at you and keeping you from being truly happy.
  • And letting anger run wild? Well, we know how that affects us and those we love.

Turning Toward

Even though it sounds paradoxical, turning to meet our emotions sets us free from them. We stop spinning in the story fueled by the emotion and instead go right to the core of what we’re experiencing when we’re feeling something.

And what do we find?

Some energy in the body…some physical sensations. Maybe memories surface or tears come. And this array of experiences appears in the open space of being aware. They’re not personal—they just arise, stay a while, then pass on.

Even though it might feel painful to turn toward emotions rather than avoid them, we’re being authentic with what’s here in the moment and we’re paving the way toward discovering our essential wholeness.

Avoidance of our feelings leaves us divided from ourselves and life. Embracing them fully brings us to the altar of endless peace.

Every time I invite clients to stop the forward movement of the story and check into their bodies, they always take a deep breath and sigh it out. One person just told me she immediately feels lighter.

We all feel relief when we stop acting out on the inner tension by jabbering nonstop—and just stop and feel what’s here.

This is what grounds us in the here-and-now. It’s what slows us down and winds us back into ourselves. It’s what brings us to the doorway of the fall into presence.

Gracefully Being with Emotions

How do we meet emotions? It’s really not that complicated.

First, notice if fear or resistance are present. Acknowledge those experiences and honor them. Even if you’re afraid, take a baby step in toward yourself and feel what’s happening in your body.

That’s it. You stop feeding the mind and open your attention into the fullness of what you’re experiencing. It’s like being the sky and loving every single cloud that floats by no matter what it is. You’re a friendly host, a mother or father gathering in your long lost children.

Opening fully to things as they already are is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

In the last post, we talked about taking a slow, conscious breath as a way into presence. Take that breath, then open into awareness and notice everything—every sensation hiding out in the shadows of your body, every bit of trapped energy that’s waiting for liberation.

Just breathe and allow…

I had trouble focusing the day I wrote this, and later on I noticed that my mind was foggy. I felt frustrated that I wasn’t crossing off items on my to-do list. Then I took that breath and stopped.

Oh, no wonder I was foggy! Turning inward, it felt like there had been a silent symphony playing that suddenly had the space to be heard. I didn’t even realize it, but I felt stressed, a little sad, and out of sorts. There was a sweet tenderness I had missed by trying to stay on task.

But turning inward to feel changed everything. Immediately, the frustration disappeared, and I was home again—connected, here, and utterly peaceful.

Why not try it? Right now…take a slow breath…expand your attention beyond your physical form…notice what’s arising in your body…being one with the unfolding of life…

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What You Need to Know About Emotions—Part 1

“Open your heart to who you are, right now,
Not who you would like to be.
Not the saint you’re striving to become.
But the being right here before you, inside you, around you.
All of you is holy.”
~John Welwood

Whether you are well established in knowing the peace of your true nature—or you’re new to the spiritual path—if you’re human, then you experience emotions.

We grieve and feel sad, we’re fearful at times, or we feel the burn of anger and maybe even explode. So far today, I noticed a jittery feeling in my chest when I woke up, and I felt the immediate rush of frustration in response to an email I received.

Emotions Are Normal

Our human bodies are designed to react to the outside world. Here’s how it works.

Our brains process information that comes in through our senses and sends signals out to the rest of the nervous system to prepare us for fight or flight.

If what we perceive is familiar and comfortable, we relax. But if there’s danger, the nervous system goes on high alert, ready to react.

Things get complicated when our thinking minds try to make sense of what’s happening. This leads to rumination, worry, confusion, and irritation.

And for those of us who’ve had traumatic experiences when we were young, our nervous systems are highly sensitive and subject to strong reactions such as terror, rage, hate, and chronic anxiety and hopelessness.

Returning to Being Aware

If you’ve made it a practice to study your emotions with curiosity and meet them with deep acceptance, the emotions won’t grab hold of your reality—and the natural state of peaceful awareness illuminates quickly.

Emotions still occur, but you notice them like clouds floating across the sky—and they don’t disturb you.

This happens to me a lot with fear. Fear is a highly conditioned reaction in my mind and body. I’ve studied it and felt it thousands of times, so usually when I notice it, I take a few breaths with the sensations in my body, then move on. The fear doesn’t create an inkling of a problem, and there’s peace.

Turning Toward

Emotions are asking for our tender loving care. Left unexamined, they leave us in pain and are the culprit behind behavioral choices that get us in trouble.

We’re frustrated because we want them to go away, but we just don’t know how to make that happen. They detract from our quality of life and block us from knowing the peace and happiness that are available in any moment.

So let’s take emotions out of the shadows and bring them to the light of consciousness—even the hard ones. Because only then will you be able to learn what to do with them so they don’t overtake you.

A Slow and Conscious Breath

We’ll be talking about emotions in the next couple of Fridays, as there is a lot to say. What I’d like to leave you with today is the simple practice of taking a conscious breath.

Whenever you feel tense or grabbed by an emotion or any conditioned pattern, stop and take a slow, conscious breath. Put your attention on the breath and take a slow inhale and exhale. You might put one hand on your heart and one on your belly as you breathe. Enjoy a few breaths as it feels right for you.

Conscious breathing is a reset for your experience and right away brings your attention back to the here-and-now. What’s happening? You’re just here breathing, and all is okay.

It’s a very helpful tool for when you’re caught by an emotion. By taking a conscious breath, you’ve stopped the momentum of the emotion and you’re in a position to let love and wisdom show you the way forward.

For more—and a guided audio meditation to support you, you can check out this article.

Wishing you expansion beyond your problems to the peace and ease of this now moment…

What About You?

Do emotions overtake you? How do you relate to them? I’d love to hear…

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I have a few openings for one-on-one sessions. If you’re interested, please click here for the information or reply to this email. I would love to work with you—and you can be anywhere in the world! Our conditioned patterns can be very embedded and tricky. Conversations tailored just for you and the ways you get stuck are so useful! Private sessions have been—and still are—an essential part of my path.

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Healing at the Source of Shame

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”
~Paul Tournier

The more I speak to people on the spiritual path, the more I become aware of the hidden shame that many of us carry.

We’re ashamed of our bodies, our thoughts, and the feeling that we’re odd, defective, or abnormal.

Shame is a form of secret suffering that we keep in the shadows of our being. It’s like a bruise that keeps getting re-opened over and over. Simply said, shame hurts.
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Shame is a source of unhappiness that thrives on inattention. Ignore the shameful feelings, and they’ll poke at you forever.

But turn toward them with your loving and curious attention, and the pain of shame begins to soften.

Befriending Shame

You get to know the story of shame and the way it takes up residence in your body. And your heart begins to open with compassion to the sense of the one who feels so hurt.

And what opens to this hurting part of yourself? It is you being aware of shame, watching it like a movie on the screen.

This is so important to know: the you who is aware of shame is simply noticing, untouched by the shame itself.

This is how you find freedom from the shame. You discover the gap between the experience of shame and you as the observer of it. In the moments when you rest as this observing presence, the wave of shame subsides.

Now you’re relating to shame in a completely new way. Instead of being lost in it, you study it to see what it is—and realize that it doesn’t have to define you.

You become tender toward the shame, feeling its pain, while also knowing that something in you is strong, whole, and perfectly okay.

Can you find that sense of being okay? Maybe it will help to take an expansive, conscious breath. Even if that being okay is a tiny seed, it’s in there, I promise you.

Softening Into Our Humanity

The more we befriend our own perceived imperfections, the more tender we are toward others.

In our humanity, we know at some level that we’re all messy, awkward, and unsure. We all have vulnerabilities that show the richness and diversity of living the human life.

So in a sense, anything that we experience as shameful isn’t personal to us. In the silence of shame, you might convince yourself that you’re the only one who feels the way you do.

But dig one inch below the surface, and you’ll find that everyone is vulnerable in the same way. It’s the nature of the human condition.

This invites us to meet our own and others’ vulnerability with love, compassion, acceptance, and lightness—and not judgment. Judging doesn’t serve, but love and presence do.

Be the loving presence for whatever arises—whether in yourself or someone else.

Intimacy from No Longer Hiding in Shame

Then, with deep acceptance of your own experience, the fear of judgment starts to fall away.

  • You show up with others open and vulnerable.
  • You share what you’re experiencing because you no longer need to hide it.
  • You break down walls and open the door to so much intimacy and deep understanding.

It’s a sacred path.

Ignoring shame will keep you lonely and disconnected. Meet it with curiosity and a tender and open heart, and you’ll wake up to yourself: peaceful, boundless, and one with all.

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