Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for December 2016

When You Feel Wronged

wronged“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
~Rumi

Have you ever been stuck in a grudge against someone? Are you feeling wronged, taken advantage of, or betrayed?

There are many ways that our connection in relationship can break down, and feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly is one of them.

If you’re like me, it’s like a fire burning inside that says, “No!” No, it shouldn’t be this way. No, she shouldn’t have said that. And here we are, caught in blame. Because if the other is wrong, then you must be right.

Due to their own unconscious patterns, people can be thoughtless and hurtful and do things that have challenging effects on us. But staying caught in blaming others, no matter how tempting it is, does little to ease our pain.

Life brings us what it brings us, and we have little control over it. However, what we can do is go within and decide how we want to meet what’s been given.

Life’s challenges, as difficult as they are, can be seen as generous opportunities for conscious exploration and the wisdom that softens our minds and hearts.

If you’re feeling wronged, there’s an inner journey available that guides you to restore your connection with the flow of life. It takes time, intention, and a tremendous amount of self-compassion. Be very tender with yourself when you’re ready to begin this process.

The last time I held a grudge, I spent months blaming the other person in my mind. I’m sure I repeated the “she shouldn’t have” story thousands of times. Finally, it dawned on me that I was tired of my own suffering…and that’s when the journey began.

The Solution Is Not in the Story

Our minds love to grab onto stories of judgment, hurt, and revenge. It feels satisfying to be right because it justifies the pain we feel.

What is your actual experience while you’re busy cycling through these stories in your mind? You probably feel tense and contracted, inflexible rather than spacious, and disconnected from the reality of the present moment.

And while your attention is absorbed in the stories, you’re overlooking a tender part of your experience…the emotions you’re feeling.

If you stay involved in the story, you will continue to feel stuck. How to begin to restore connection to your present moment experience? Breathe.

It might look like this: STORY…take a deep breath…STORY…take a deep breath… Again and again.

As your attention falls away from your mind and into your body, you’ll notice parts of your experience that were previously hidden.

Being a Loving Witness to your Feelings

Without the story, what’s happening in your body? If your feelings are strong, you might feel on fire with anger and hurt.

Make the space to notice how you feel inside…the agitation in your chest, the burning behind your eyes, whatever it is. Be the vast welcoming presence for all of this emotional energy that wants the space to move.

Then go deeper. Explore to see what emotions lie underneath the anger and pain, and lovingly welcome them.

Expanded Exploration

When it feels right, consider this journaling practice to support your clarity. Choose some of these sentences to complete with the challenging person and situation in mind. Your answers don’t need to make sense…just let your thoughts flow and your heart speak. Take your time with this exploration.

  • I’m sorry that___________________________________
  • I’m sorry for____________________________________
  • I realize I_______________________________________
  • I realize you____________________________________
  • What I can learn is_____________________________
  • Thank you for__________________________________

As you finish, tune into your present moment experience. What is arising for you?

Wise Perspective

When you take on this journey back to your essential wholeness, you give up waiting for the other person to make things right. As you move beyond the personal story in your mind, there’s space to soften into your present moment experience.

It feels like coming home to the living reality that’s here right now.

With a quieter mind, what do you notice? Maybe you become aware of compassion for the suffering of all involved. Or you realize that feeling wronged is an aspect of our collective human experience throughout time.

Maybe you relax into gratitude for all that’s given, or you simply, finally, enjoy feeling peaceful.

This is what happens when we consciously make our way through the hard places. Our personal hurt becomes a gateway into the loving embrace of all of life.

Living the Yes! to Life

yesThis post is a chapter from my book, At the Core of Every Heart: Reflections, Insights, and Practices for Waking Up and Living Free.

This little book is perfect to pick up for a burst of inspiration whenever you need it. It includes 52 short essays, each with a practice to help the content of the chapter come alive to you in your own experience.

The book is available to purchase on Amazon. Maybe it will be the perfect gift for you or someone you love. ❤️

Living the Yes! to Life

I’ve spent a lot of time investigating how to not suffer, and here’s what I’ve discovered. We can’t control what thoughts appear, and we don’t have much to say about the events that happen in our lives.

But we do have control over how we relate to what arises. We can resist, blame others, ignore and avoid. We can put our heads in the sand or get passive and give up. We can hate what’s happening.

Or we can say, “Yes!” Yes, this is what’s happening. This is the reality of right now, and how am I going to move forward from here? How can I relate to this precious moment with ease, grace, and intelligence? Can I meet my emotions about whatever is happening with love and understanding?

I recently corresponded with a friend who was reeling after her partner ended their relationship. She told me how much she had invested in their time together and went on about his fears of intimacy. She was in a great deal of emotional pain, wanting desperately for the situation to be different.

She was being very nice about it, but still she blamed him for not dealing with his fears and allowing the relationship to be all she thought it could be. And she was stuck in heartache, not wanting to accept the facts of the situation.

I suggested that she begin to take in what he said at face value—that he didn’t want the relationship to continue. Yes, it’s painful, but that is what is true.

And once she says, “Yes!” to the truth, her healing truly begins. The blame stops and she can turn toward her own experience, welcome in her feelings of sadness and loss, and reflect on how and why she wasn’t always honest with herself. Yes! is the path to getting unstuck, the path to freedom from suffering, and the way to allow what happens to break through our attachments.

Saying “no” to our experience feeds the anxious, ruminating mind and shuts us down to life. We sleepwalk through on automatic with our heads in a fog, endlessly chewing on ideas about what is wrong with things as they are and how they should be different.

Saying “no” leaves us feeling alone and separate, wondering if this is the best that life can offer.

Instead, consider migrating into the land of Yes. With our hearts wide open, we say a full-bodied, unapologetic, thoroughly honest “Yes!” to things just as they are. We might have to meet challenge and difficulty, but it’s the only way to find relief from suffering.

Then we get to live! We feel the juiciness of the human experience and at the same time know that we are free. No longer resisting the facts, we’re finally open to flowing with the timeless natural unfolding of life.

PRACTICE:

Become an expert in how and when you say “No” to life. What do you resist? How does it feel in your body? What are the effects of resisting?

Now tiptoe into the land of Yes. With all blinders off, say, “Yes!” to the situation as it is. Meet your direct experience with the most loving heart. Use the truth of things as they are right now as your starting point for moving forward.

What About You?

How do you say “no” and “Yes!” to life? I’d love to hear…