Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for December 2012

The Art of Ending Everyday Suffering

“If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place.”
~Lao Tzu

Do you find yourself disappointed when your expectations aren’t met? Do you resist what happens because you were expecting something different? Then you are not alone.

Expectations are belief systems about how things are supposed to be. And when we believe them without question we set ourselves up for a fall.

I shouldn’t be caught in traffic, it should be sunny today, he should have called when he said he would. Expectations creep into the most mundane parts of our everyday experience and, as you well know, are a great source of stress and unhappiness.

Expectations: It’s All in the Mind

A recent commenter wrote about expectations in two important areas of her life: expecting recognition and financial reward from working hard at her job and assuming that others would be as loyal as she is in relationship. In both cases, she was burned.

She asks, “If you do X-Y-Z, shouldn’t you get the return? How do you remove the attachment to outcomes?”

Expectations seem to develop automatically as a result of life circumstances and our reactions to them. Here’s how it works. Without even realizing it, an idea forms in your mind that expects, hopes for, or thinks it deserves a particular outcome. For example, “I’m doing a great job on this project. I’m sure I’ll get that promotion when it comes up.”

Ouch! This is why you are in trouble.

  • You have a personal desire – something you want but don’t currently have.
  • Your focus is on the future.
  • You forget your right-now experience.

The mind revs up with images and stories of an imagined future where you will get exactly what you want, and that becomes your lived reality. But here’s the problem: it’s not actual reality, and we are not in control.

Reality is fresh and alive, impersonal and full of possibility. It doesn’t decide what to do based on our personal images and stories or what we desire and hope for.

You might not even realize the expectation has formed until real life wields its sword, and what you want to happen doesn’t. Then you react with frustration or disappointment, squarely in resistance to what is, thinking that life isn’t fair and wondering what you did wrong.

Untangling Expectations

Interested in finding your way out of this tangle? Then recognize and investigate your thoughts. An expectation is a thought, and every thought is worth questioning because at its core it is untrue.

Is it true that you should get the promotion or you shouldn’t be sitting in traffic or the weather should be sunny?

The way you know if something is true is if it actually happens.

Your thoughts about what should happen (expectations) have nothing to do with it.  There is thought, which is ephemeral and insubstantial, and there is reality, which is real and true.

See how it doesn’t make sense to believe your expectations?

A Lifestyle Free of Expectations

Stay conscious and alive to your moment-to-moment experience, and expectations will have nowhere to land. How?

  • Make truth and understanding a top priority in your life – in what you read, what you do, who you spend time with.
  • Set aside time every day to reflect on your reactions to see if expectations have taken hold.
  • Investigate all thoughts, and rest in what is real.
  • Surrender personal control, and receive what is offered.

If you want freedom from the trap of expectations, stop believing thoughts. Recognize the truth that you are one with the unfolding of reality. Then live here, infinitely loving, clear and grounded…fully available to life.

Troubled by expectations? What helps you to be free of them? I’d love to hear…

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The Only Thing That Matters, and It’s Already Alive in You

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.”
~Rumi

Sometimes things are so obvious, and so much taken for granted, that we fail to notice their power. You might be asking why you aren’t happy and at peace, why you feel anxious or insecure, stuck in the past, or limited in your creativity.

Well, the answer is right under your nose, closer than you would ever imagine. Isn’t that amazing?  And here it is:

What you are interested in is what is created in your life.

“Interest” – not a particularly sexy word, but its power is huge. When you are interested in something, it attracts you, draws your attention, and arouses your curiosity. You are engaged and involved with it (like my new puppy who keeps stealing my socks).

And interest is always happening. In any moment, your attention is somewhere. What are you interested in – right now?

The Tunnel Vision of Habits

Most of us have developed habits that determine what we are interested in. If you are prone to feeling tense and agitated, you will be interested in fearful thoughts. If personal drama is compelling to you, you will foster these stories through gossip and internal monologues. If you are bent on avoiding painful or challenging feelings, you will be interested in compulsively shopping, drinking, socializing, texting, working – anything but being still.

And if you are convinced that who you are is insufficient, limited, and needing approval, your attention will be squarely on what you lack and need – not on the fullness of wonder and possibility.

If you feed fear, drama, avoidance, or neediness, what will be the result? A life that manifests fear, drama, avoidance, or neediness. Be brave, and check it out in your own experience. What are you interested in?

The Dynamics of Desire

When you take an honest look, you might discover that what you are interested in is not what you really want. You want peace and ease, yet, in reality, you promote conflict and division within yourself and your relationships. You want contentment, but you foster sadness and regret. You want to express yourself fully, yet you actually stunt creative impulses.

Where your interest goes, especially if you are acting out habits, creates an environment that keeps you mired in discontent and limitation, walled off from your deepest heart desire.

What to you really want – and what are you interested in?

If these are not aligned, then something needs to change or things will stay exactly as they are. You are being asked to shake up your familiar ways of being. And if these aren’t working for you anyway, what do you have to lose?

The Sacred Shift

As you realize what you have been focusing your precious attention on, you stand at the precipice of making a sacred choice:

  • Do you want to know your true magnificence?
  • Do you want the pain to stop?
  • Do you want to realize that you are inseparable from peace, love, and fulfillment?

Then lose interest in stories, needs, behaviors, thoughts, emotions, physical sensations – these are all objects that come and go. They arise and pass on, proving they are temporary, unreal, and far from the truth of you.

When you buy into them, they create an illusion of who you think you are. But they lead to false identities that cause suffering and mask the purity and freshness of now.

Instead, become very interested in the space of awareness in which these objects appear. Realize that before any idea, emotion, or event, there is you, aware and alive. How could you perceive any object without first being aware of it?

Be interested in the fact that you are aware, now, right in this moment. As awareness, do you resist anything? Is there a problem? Are you happy?

Let your interest rest in awareness. There is a natural intelligence that will guide you to do exactly what you need to do. You can trust that thoughts will appear when required by the situation. You realize you don’t have to spend your energy trying to figure anything out.

If you are suffering, take a look to see what you are actually interested in. Then refocus to simply being aware. Be willing to let go of familiar ideas of who you are and discover unfathomable peace, intimacy beyond words, and unbounded happiness – right here.

What do you discover when you recognize where your interest is going? What do you really want? I’d love to hear…

 

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