Archives for December 2011

Take Care of Yourself From the Inside Out

Announcing two new events: I’m very excited about offering a free tele-call on fear and Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive. Please visit Events page for information and registration.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
~John Lennon

I don’t often write about my work as a therapist. But today I found myself giving the same suggestion to each person I met with. Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s in the air. And maybe you can benefit, too. What I said repeatedly was, “Take good care of yourself.”

Somehow it’s seems so easy to forget to pay attention to our own needs. We push through, keep going, and ignore ourselves until the well runs completely dry. Then you wonder why you are exhausted, why you feel anxious and disconnected.

You Matter

Taking care of yourself means counting yourself in. You matter, you absolutely do. And your quality of life suffers when you neglect yourself. You lose a sense of your priorities, and you end up grasping for solutions just to keep your head above water.

Maybe you think that taking care of yourself is selfish. This is a common misconception that is patently untrue.

Being caught up in your own stress doesn’t serve you or anyone else. Commit to taking care of you for you, for your quality of life, so you can live with a full and open heart. Here is the paradox: When you take good care of yourself, you get out of your own way. You are less self-focused. You aren’t captured by your needs, dramas, and obsessions.

Start with you, and you will experience great freedom in being open, peaceful, and awake to your life and everyone in it.

Caring for Yourself Affects Others

Today, I told a client that learning to take care of your own needs and feelings is one of the healthiest things you can do for a relationship.

When you learn to acknowledge your feelings and tend to those fragile places inside, you can show up for your partner full, loving, and available. No longer needy and lacking, you are set up for the simple joys of pleasant conversation and emotional intimacy.

In fact, not taking care of yourself does a disservice to your relationships. You can’t be present for your children, you miss opportunities to support your friends and loved ones.

Tend to yourself, and you have the space to emanate peace and express love. You become a beacon of sanity in an overwrought world.

Takes No Time

There are unlimited ways for you to take care of yourself. Some of them take no time at all – they are simply a shift in perspective. A few months ago, I realized I was waking up thinking about my to-do list and anxiously making it through the day. Finally, I said, “no more.” I got curious about my thought process and saw so clearly that I was half-present while worrying about future events.

Now, when I feel the stress in my body, I happily focus on just what is in front of me. I refuse to put my attention into those anxious thoughts. And the stress has reduced dramatically. No time needed – just a willingness to see the truth and be aware.

Other means for taking care of yourself do take time. You get to spend a few moments in stillness or go to a yoga class or begin to follow a passion.

Obstacles to Self-Care

See what gets in the way of your self-care. You will find that the obstacles are beliefs.

Believing you should or need to spend your time in a certain way.
Believing that you have to come last.
Believing that the world will fall apart if you stop playing out the mental and emotional habits that don’t serve you.
Believing that you aren’t worth your own loving attention.
Believing that being stressed is a normal way of living.

The first step to taking care of yourself is to investigate these beliefs. Are they true? Do they bring you what you really want?

Are you willing to try the essential experiment – to let go of these beliefs and take the radical step back to yourself, into self-care?

Self-Care = True Happiness

You might notice that I’m not including a list of ways to take care of yourself. You can find those on countless self-improvement blogs, and besides, I trust that you know how to do it. More important is to wake up to the necessity of it, to understand how self-care unearths your potential for happiness, and how your happiness touches everyone and everything.

Tell yourself the truth about how happiness works, and you can’t help but start with the landscape of your inner experience.

Self-care is always on my radar, and I’ll share with you how I do it:

Being aware when I am triggered and meeting my experience with deep acceptance. (See “Oh, this.”)
Taking time to listen to the people I love, especially my partner.
Exercise – running on the treadmill and yoga. (Yoga is exercise plus so much more.)
Resting when I am tired or starting to feel sick. Not pushing myself beyond my capacity.
Letting go of stressful thoughts about the future so I can be present.
Being still.
Walking away from the computer when I’ve been on it too long.
Keeping my home in order; not letting tasks pile up.
Being open and non-defensive – even in hard conversations.
Planning enough time so I don’t have to rush and worry about being late.
Flowing with life especially when unexpected things happen.
Contemplating the true nature of existence, which puts everything into perspective.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture. Now it’s your turn. How do you take care of yourself? What are your obstacles to self-care? I’d love to hear…

A Simple Phrase That Can Change Everything

Announcing two upcoming events: A free tele-call on How to Flourish in the Face of Fear and the Flourish in the Face of Fear Intensive. Please see the events page for more information and to register.

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
~Confucius

A simple phrase that can change everything. Are you wondering what it might be?

OK, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Get ready, because it may radically alter your perspective. Here it is: “Oh, this.”

When does “Oh, this” come into play? Whatever happens, whatever arises, the most simple and intelligent response is, “Oh, this.” It means you accept, you embrace, you tell the truth and receive with an open mind and heart. Say “Oh, this” to:

Present circumstances
Events from the past
Things people say and do
Your own emotional reactions

It’s not about being passive and resigned. It’s not about gritting your teeth and putting up with or getting through. You don’t have to grin and bear it.

“Oh, this” says ‘Yes!” to what is. It’s a revolutionary shift that transforms your whole way of being.

A Real-Life Example

I know it’s hard to believe, but occasionally people will do things that get on my nerves. I feel the frustration rising up in me – the desire to snap back or shut down.

What relieves the pressure and short-circuits the problem is the simple phrase, “Oh, this.” “Oh, this” to the frustration I feel, the urge to say something unkind, the need the person is expressing. It offers the welcome gift of a pause and the chance for understanding. It wakes me up and brings me back to where I really want to be.

“Oh, this” has saved me a lot of trouble.

The Resistance of “Not This”

For many of us, the essence of “Oh, this,” is unfamiliar. We aren’t used to responding by being humble and open. More commonly, we say, “Oh, not this,” as in:

I don’t want you to be saying that.
I don’t want you to want that.
I don’t want this to be happening.
That shouldn’t have happened.
I don’t want to feel the way I feel.

These statements all communicate a resistance to what is. How often do you not want others to want what they want? How often do you long to revise history or write the script for what should happen now and in the future? And how much pain do these reactions add to your life?

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

What I love more than anything is that there is a medicine for the illness of reaction and resistance. And the medicine is the deep acceptance inherent in “Oh, this.” It frees you from the grip of tension and grounds you in the reality of things as they are.

It offers the paradox of relaxing in the face of life’s challenges.

“Oh, this” can be the perfectly-wrapped gift that you give to yourself. And it’s a gift that keeps on giving. “Oh, this” centers you in your present moment experience.

It eases your attachment to emotions and stories. It unclouds your mind and establishes you in your heart. “Oh, this” ignites your natural wisdom so you can see clearly and respond with intelligence.

Your emotional triggers may take time to dissolve, but know that peace is possible. Say “Oh, this” whenever you remember – now…and now…and now… Each time, you are chipping away at these conditioned tendencies that don’t serve you anymore.

Each time brings you closer to recognizing the light, the wholeness, the love that you are.

Are you resisting anything? What helps you to be more accepting? I’d love to hear…

Note: I’m happy to announce my new Facebook fan page for A Flourishing Life. Come on over, click like, and join the conversation.

SOS: 5 Lifelines for Getting Back on Track

Note: I’m happy to announce my new Facebook fan page for A Flourishing Life. Come on over, click like, and join the conversation.

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.”
~Arthur Rubinstein

If it happens to me, I’m sure it happens to you. Before I knew it, I found myself caught in my to-do list and unable to make decisions. My mind was flooded with “should’s”, and I felt like I was slogging through quicksand. Clarity and ease seemed a million miles away. Sound familiar?

Even in the midst of the fog, I never forgot this essential truth: it is always possible to find your way home to peace.

It is abundantly clear to me how little control we have. Thoughts show up, feelings appear, circumstances arise. We’re sailing along just fine, until all of a sudden we’re not.

But, as the saying goes, life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. This means that you are not a victim of life. In fact, every experience is tailored for your awakening. Every experience holds the possibility of freedom from it.

Being stuck is a short step from being unstuck.
Unhappiness holds the key to happiness.
Discontent is barely a breath away from contentment and ease.

It all depends on what you do with what you get.

If you’re off track, out of sorts, alienated, or just plain stuck, know that peace is possible. Apply these lifelines, then celebrate your arrival home to clear seeing, to sanity, to the fullness of being alive.

Accept things as they are.

As much as you want to change things to relieve your discomfort, what will help is just the opposite. Instead of trying to make your feelings go away, allow them to be. Stop resisting, and simply feel whatever you feel, even if it is painful or uncomfortable.

The end of trying to make something happen is the beginning of peace.

Be respectful, not harsh.

Rejecting or ignoring your experience is a kind of violence. It’s like slamming the door in the face of a new friend. When you push away feelings, you are divided against yourself. This is the cause of confusion and disconnection.

Instead of wishing for a different reality than what you are actually experiencing, meet yourself as is with an open heart. Lean into the difficult energies and emotions.

I know it can be challenging, and you are likely to resist. But take the plunge anyway. Breathe into the hardest places. Your loving attention is what will make them soften.

Let go of goals and plans.

When you have lost your way, goals and plans can take you deeper into darkness and frustration. Plans come from the mind, and letting them go brings you closer to being in touch with what is really true for you.

Set aside some unstructured time for being rather than doing. Ignore the whirlwind of thoughts in your mind and the pressure to accomplish. The trajectory of your plans and goals can wait. What you need is to stop and be quiet.

Keep it simple.

When confusion is in charge, keep it simple. Let the should’s and demands fall by the wayside, and don’t try to figure it all out. Simply bring your attention to your inner core. Listen with an open mind and see what you are guided to do.

Abandon expectations so you can hear clearly, as you may be surprised by what is offered.

Relax.

Relax away from the agitation, the uncomfortable feelings, the mental noise. It will all run its course without you feeding it with criticism or panic. If you investigate your inner workings with precision, you will see that when you relax with what is, when you let all the drama go, there is peace.

Let yourself relax. Be patient and kind. Move with rather than against. And here is what will happen. What seems like a problem becomes an opportunity. Resistance turns into inner transformation. Over and over, your struggles will guide you back to yourself, your essence, your true home.

What do you do to get back on track when you are lost? I’d love to hear…

Confused? How to Find Laser-Like Clarity

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.”
~Lao Tzu

Indecision…confusion…lack of clarity. If these define your current reality, then this post is for you.

A friend of mine had been living in this state for months. He was facing a major life decision, and although he longed for clarity about it, all he got was uncertainty. He tried figuring it out every which way, but nothing seemed to clear the fog.

Letting Everything Go

Then he did what needed to be done – he died to everything. He let everything go.

His preferences for what he wanted
His hopes for how things would turn out
His identities – the kind of person he prided himself on being
All attachments – to relationship, money, status, appearance, even to life itself.
All should’s, all expectations

He opened to things being messy, crazy, and completely up for grabs. He was willing to accept the answer, no matter what it was.

From this emptiness, with everything out of the way he was able to truly listen, and undeniable clarity emerged. No longer iffy or doubtful, the answer shone like a beacon and his path opened up without question.

Clinging Is Resistance

He had been entangled in the mind-stuff, trying to determine the answer without having to face his attachments. He described the conflict as one between his head and his heart. In his head, he was busy bargaining and strategizing. There was too much mental noise, too much grasping, to hear the voice of his heart.

What it took was a willingness to drop everything. And I mean everything. To not resist any possibility, to not know anything, to be so incredibly open beyond any imagining. To be willing to say, “Yes!” to whatever appears.

Your Turn

Now, what about you…are you ready? Are you courageous enough to take off all the blinders and hear the truth? Here is how to die to everything:

Take everything you know, everything that defines you, and throw it into the holy fire.
Surrender anything you are holding on to – any ideas, attachments, hopes, desires, preferences.
Open every cell of your being.
Listen deeply with nothing in the way, no expectations at all about what you will discover.
Be so devoid of any personal will that you are willing to embrace whatever path shows itself to you.

Gaining clarity about a decision does not mean that your confusion won’t return for a visit. In fact, expect it. The last thing fear wants is the exhilaration of freedom, so it will beckon you. Here is your job: stay grounded in the clarity that you know to be true. Surrender, die to everything, over and over and over.

Truth is fierce business, as you can see. It is not for those who want the easy way out, not for those who want to cling to what is limited and familiar.

But, oh, the fruits of surrender. Laser-like clarity…the deepest intimacy with all things…peace beyond peace…

Where are you stuck or confused? What is masking truth and clarity? I’d love to hear…