Archives for September 2011

Fearful? Get to Know the Unknown

“Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.”
~Alan Cohen

Anyone who experiences fear knows about fearful thoughts. Without exception, these thoughts project into the future and expect the worst. Should I or shouldn’t I? What if I do – or don’t? The imagination runs wild thinking of all the negative scenarios that could happen.

And the effect? Afraid to move, stuck, limiting yourself, playing it safe. And all the while caught in your spinning mind and missing the beauty of what is real and alive right here and now.

These fear-infused thoughts rob you of happiness and well being that are rightfully yours.

The Rational Approach

As humans, we are blessed to have access to a well-developed frontal cortex, which gives us the capability of being thoughtful and rational. In contrast, fear comes from the limbic system, a more primitive, animalistic part of the brain that drives basic survival.

The intelligent investigation of fearful thoughts invites us to fire up the cortex and subject them to rational analysis.

Now is the time to bring these thoughts out of the shadows. Why wait one moment longer? When they float through your mind without your full attention, they exert their power and control over you.

But with a logical laser focus, you can see through the lies and distortions they make you believe. And, by doing so, you enter into the realm of truth and sanity.

The Truth of the Unknown

At the foundation of every fear-filled thought is a desire to know what cannot be known. This desire manifests as an imagined negative, scary outcome.

I won’t find a job.
I’ll always be alone.
I’m afraid I’ll be rejected.
What if I fail.

Each of these common thoughts makes an assumption about the future.

And here is the logical truth: you cannot know anything until it actually happens. You have two choices: you either know or you don’t know. You absolutely know something to be true once it has already occurred. And if something hasn’t yet occurred, you don’t know what the outcome will be.

Fearful thoughts guess or assume the worst with no logical evidence. When you take these assumptions to be true, you end up paralyzed and miserable.

“I Don’t Know” Revealed

Part of being free of the effects of fear means shifting from emotion to logic, using all of the brain’s capabilities. Logic shows you the distortions in these fearful thoughts that sap your energy and slam the door shut on your potential.

What you do find is one of the most useful truths: I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll find a job, or be rejected, or fail.

“I don’t know” opens the door to unlimited possibilities that the fearful mind can’t begin to contemplate.

Seeing the truth of the unknown is like a healing balm for fearful thoughts. And here are the effects:

No more wasting energy and time worrying about the future.
No more pressure to know what you can’t possibly know.
Openness to all possibilities.
The end of “should” – what you should know or should be doing.

Living in the reality of the unknown brings our attention clearly into the present. Let go of the imagined future, and you will discover:

A focus on doing what needs to be done now
Appreciation and gratitude
Relaxation
Enjoyment
Acceptance
Wonder

The unknown is the truth, and the truth will set you free. Do you want to be free of the effects of fear? Say “Yes!” to the unknown.

Have you discovered the value of not knowing? Are you struggling with fearful thoughts? I’d love to hear…

The Three Vital Keys to Unlocking Yourself From Fear

“What worries you, masters you.”
~John Locke

If fear is still controlling you, then this post is for you. We all know, that a fear-driven life doesn’t work. It keeps us small and limited and deprives the world of our full and magnificent creative expression.

Living in fear feels bad – have you noticed? Decisions fueled by “I can’t” and “I shouldn’t” bring only confusion and dissatisfaction to our lives. We lose focus, let go of our dreams, and accept mediocre as good enough.

This is no way to live.

Yes, fear is scary. It looms large. We are afraid of losing people, money, health, status. We fear being irresponsible or risking everything. We choose playing it safe over wonder, potential, and possibility. Is this you?

Many of us are locked into a fear-driven life. We’ve convinced ourselves that we just can’t take the risk to put the fears aside and move forward. So here’s the solution: we need to take a very intelligent approach to fear.

It’s not enough to say you need to banish fears or overcome them. When it comes to fear, you need to break it down and understand it from the inside out. You need to become familiar with the way it shows up in your experience and develop a lifestyle that keeps you alert and present so it doesn’t sneak up on you.

Addressing fear takes intention and willingness. Do you want to unlock yourself from fear? Then seriously consider these three vital keys.

Key #1: Get to Know the Face of Fear

Fear doesn’t always hit you head-on. For years, I had many symptoms of fear before I realized that it was actually driving me. And once I did, everything changed.

The intelligent approach to fear begins with recognizing it. And here are the clues:

Obsessive worrying
Imagining negative outcomes about the future – “What if?”
Excessive mental activity that tries to analyze every angle of every situation
Doubt and indecision – “Should I or shouldn’t I?”
A low level of stress or anxiety, especially felt in your body
A sense of living in your head, detached from your body – maybe it feels like this:

If you experience any of these symptoms, be curious. Look deeply into your own experience, and I bet you will see that fear is at the root. This is great news!

Recognizing the face of fear is absolutely essential if you want it to lose its power over you. Every time you realize that you are worrying, ruminating, or doubting, relax and say, “Hello, fear,” then go to key #2.

Key #2: Feel the Physical Sensations of Fear

What is fear exactly? The answer to this question is fundamental to unlocking yourself from fear.

We experience what we call fear when we tell ourselves a scary story and feel certain bodily sensations, such as tension or contraction. Make this understanding alive for you – right now – by checking it out in your own experience. You will notice a fear response that shows up in your body along with thoughts that doubt, worry, analyze, ruminate, plan, project, etc.

Congratulations! You have just shone the light directly on fear. You see that whenever you feel fear, there are physical sensations and scary, anxiety-producing thoughts.

These thoughts are reinforced by your attention to them, and they keep you stuck in fear. They aren’t logical or necessarily even true.

So rather than thinking these thoughts over and over (a recipe for continued unhappiness), bring your attention into your body, directly to the physical sensations. Open up your awareness to receive the actual experience of whatever you feel in your body. Breathe and just let them be, even if they are intense.

In the moment of doing that, you have disempowered the fear. You have taken your attention away from the thoughts, and you are simply being with the physical sensations.

This is the moment of freedom. When you feel the bodily sensations without the pressure of the fearful thoughts, you have unlocked the door to freedom from fear.

Key #3: It’s All About the Moment

It’s really important to understand that the goal is not to get rid of fear. Why? Because it’s not possible. Remember, this is the intelligent approach to fear. We want to be very realistic and practical to support you on the road to freedom.

And freedom doesn’t mean feeling no fear. It means working intelligently with your experience so fear no longer controls you.

Once you develop a rhythm of feeling the bodily sensations every time you notice fearful thoughts, fear simply loses its oomph. It softens every time you move your attention away from thinking and into the sensations of the body.

Add up these moments, and here is what you will notice: more peace, greater clarity about people and situations, more choices that you never thought of before, a lightness and brightness in your being.

The only time you can do anything intelligently about fear is when it arises in the moment. When you notice it, stop, breathe, feel. Every time is a turn of the key to freedom.

Now What?

As I’m sure you know, fear confuses you. It clouds your thinking toward the negative and leaves you blinded to the full range of possibilities in any situation. And it keeps you on lock-down.

Keys 1, 2, and 3 invite you to let go of fear-ridden thoughts and breathe with the physical sensations right in the body.

When fear is no longer driving you, it might be present, but so is your innate wisdom. You acknowledge the fear, see the truth of it – simply thoughts and sensations, and step forward released and free.

Does fear trap you? What has helped you find freedom from it? I’d love to hear…

Gardening 101: What Seeds Are You Planting?

“To see things in the seed, that is genius.”
~Lao Tzu
We can’t help but plant seeds. Every moment is bursting with potential, and everything we do makes a statement about what is important to us. Our lives go in one direction, or another. We choose suffering, or happiness. We are relaxed or stressed, awake or asleep.

A friend of mine has a strong tendency toward negative thinking. It’s remarkable, really, how creative he can be to see the glass as half empty. I asked him to bring his awareness into his body, and his immediate response was, “I can’t do that.” With a little coaxing, he agreed to try, and the sense of peace was palpable in the room. It was the beginning of planting a new seed.

This is what makes life so amazing! We don’t have to be resigned to the same old, same old. We don’t have to continue to be trapped, stuck, or limited. We are not required to play out the script of our lives as if it has already been written.

Here’s the truth: every moment is fresh and new. And this may be your moment to plant a new seed.

Weeds You Feed

If you are considering tapping into your inner gardener, it might be worth your while to see what weeds you have been fertilizing. What have you been feeding that doesn’t serve?

Fear. Are you making decisions out of fear rather than from clarity and joy? Signs are boredom, discontent, and frustration. Take a look to see how you might be worshipping at the altar of fear and limitation.
Old baggage. Are you looking at the world through the lens of your past? What would it be like to throw away these old mindsets and see things as they actually are?
Victimhood. Are you playing the blame game while identifying yourself as the victim? This can’t possibly support the expression of your beautiful, bountiful self.
Self-limiting thoughts. Do you believe that you are inadequate, less than, not good enough? These thoughts may appear in your mind, but believing them fertilizes the seed of self-judgment. And nothing good comes from that.
Emotional drama. Do you choose a good story over enduring peace and happiness? Maybe the gossip, upset, and expectations about what people should and shouldn’t do don’t serve you or anyone else.
Compulsive behaviors. An honest appraisal will show you where you are overdoing it or choosing a well-worn, but unsatisfying, even unhealthy path.

See how your choices matter?

Plant One Small Seed

By planting a new seed, you are starting small. There is no need to make a revolutionary change or have a huge epiphany. Simply survey your landscape. See what you are doing that detracts from your happiness and well being, and plant a new seed.

Be willing to be present to yourself and your life and trust that you already know exactly what is needed. It’s OK, I promise. I believe in you more than you will ever know.

Are you ready to garden? Maybe you will :

Take a couple of breaths
Make the phone call you have been putting off
Take a nap
Go for a walk
Feel gratitude rather than self-defeat
Tell someone you love them
Meet yourself as you are

All it takes is one baby step out of your comfort zone and back to yourself. Test the waters, and you’ll be fine. Eventually your tiny seed will begin to sprout. You will find yourself more aligned with what you really want. Your life will sing your unique song.

I help people plant new seeds all the time, which is why I love the work that I do as a therapist. Someone comes in all tangled up. We set about identifying the beliefs systems they operate under that don’t reflect reality. They learn the intelligent approach to emotions. They discover the freedom that comes from simply being aware. They shed the pressures and misunderstandings they have taken to be true and reconnect with their aliveness. Step by step the knots unravel.

And it all starts by planting one small seed.

What seeds would you like to plant? How’s the gardening going? I’d love to hear…

What Are You Devoted To?

“Men are not free when they are doing just what they like Men are only free when they are doing what the deepest self likes. And there is getting down to the deepest self! It takes some diving.”
~D.H. Lawrence

Can you imagine a life without devotion? No commitment, no follow-through, no grounding in what really matters.

Maybe that’s how you live – losing your center in the face of compelling people and situations, not taking the time to reflect on what is important to you. Blown about by the wind.

So my question for you today is: What are you devoted to?

Not for Sissies

I love devotion. When you are devoted to something, your life is transformed. You begin orienting your activities toward what you really want. Doubt and confusion diminish, as you always have a benchmark to refer to. People and circumstances that no longer fit fall away.

Devotion is not for sissies. It takes a surrender of your personal wants and desires into something that holds greater meaning for you. It oozes passion and longing. You might even say that you form a love affair with whatever you are devoted to.

You show commitment, dedication, loyalty, reverence, and sincerity.

An Example: Devotion to Truth

I know many people who are devoted to truth, myself included. What does this mean?

Being committed to taking off all blinders and seeing everything clearly, as it is.
No thoughts or beliefs are taken for granted or assumed to be true. Not a single one.
The end of resisting and defending.
Recognizing when habitual reactions appear and being open to understanding them completely.
Abandoning the needs and troubles of the separate self.
Living as the life force that you already are.

A devotion to truth is all-consuming, like a holy fire.

And there are other holy fires, such as peace or transparency, happiness or heart-expanding, love.

Your Life Speaks. It Sings.

But maybe you are devoted to something different – stress, hiding from what you know to be true, drama in relationships, drugs/alcohol/food, sleepwalking through life, self-flagellation, greed, the need to be on top. If you’re not sure, simply take a look at how you pass the moments of your life.

You will see where your devotion lies.

Conscious devotion comes from who-knows-where. It lands like a missile or creeps up like a slow-growing vine. At some point, we just know that the old way of unconsciousness is over. What replaces it is reorientation in all aspects of our lives. We contemplate:

Where do I get off track?
What does it take to be happy, peaceful, free of stress?
Can I relax and let go into life?

The rubber meets the road in every moment, with unlimited opportunities to express devotion. It’s amazing how much choice we have! Suffering or freedom, tension or relaxation, closing or opening, fear or courage, separation or love. Overflowing with abundance. We are guided continually, if we let ourselves see the signs – in relationships, work, books we read, how we spend our time.

Whatever you are devoted to, choose it consciously. Don’t stay in a fog and abdicate responsibility. Man up. Be alive. And let your life sing your devotion.

What are you devoted to? How does it show? I’d love to hear…