Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for June 2011

Shhhhh…Are You Listening?

“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”
~Khalil Gibran

Listening is an overlooked and undervalued way of being in our culture. Yes, a way of being, for when we listen, we are still, empty, receptive, alert, and interested. We are paying attention. We are open and available. Can you let yourself feel it right now?

True listening comes from a place of silence. If your inner world is filled up with swirling thoughts and agitated emotions, listening will be impossible. Whether you are trying to hear your own inner voice or the voice of another, you are filtering your perceptions through a haze of lack, anxiety, and confusion.

Imagine trying to decide on your next career move if you are engulfed in fear and overwhelm. Try working out an issue with your partner if you are already adamant about what you want and need. Bear the heartbreak of being too focused on your to-do list to listen to your child’s concerns.

But when you address these habits of thinking and feeling so they no longer disturb you, the whole world opens up. Put them aside, and you hear as if for the first time. You notice nuance and detail. You are clear, fresh, and in the moment.

Start in Silence

If you want to deeply listen, start in silence. Bring your attention inward to discover the space within you that is free of turmoil. Absorb yourself in it. Let yourself be still.

Really, this is all that you need to know. Once you are silent, you have given yourself the capacity to listen. You have let go of pulling in or pushing away. Struggle melts away, and you are open to hearing things as they are. You are effortlessly receptive.

And as you dwell in silence, you can’t help but soften. When you turn your attention away from the thoughts and feelings that provoke you, what is the result? Your heart opens. You feel connected, aware, and loving.

The Magic in Sound

Now from this place of silence, open to sound. Let hearing expand beyond any boundaries to all sounds that arise and pass on. Don’t label what you hear, simply listen. It’s a wonderland out there.

The Still, Small Voice Within

We are always receiving direction about how to move in our lives – if we are open to listening. How is it that we ignore these messages? We are too distracted to listen. We think we have all the answers. We cloud our thinking with drama and emotional upheaval. Then we wonder why our lives are so out of whack.

The medicine for these problems is closer than close. All we need to do is listen.

Recently, a friend of mine said with tears in her eyes, “I know I need to quit my job. I’m exhausted. All I want is time when I don’t have to do anything. I have been living in the structures of my life for a long time and they have lost their meaning.” To me, this is clarity, not complaining. She is finally listening to the still, small voice within.

Listening is the first step, and being willing to act on what you hear is the second. Listen to what you know to be true in the deepest, wisest part of your being. Then have the courage to let your life unfold according to its rightful plan.

The Greatest Gift

Have you ever been deeply listened to? You feel accepted as is, with no judgment and no agenda. Your listener isn’t resisting you or influencing you or expecting anything of you.

Some might say that deep listening is the greatest gift you can offer to another. Try it and see. You might get an insight or new perspective. You might see him or her with a fresh, compassionate eye. And your generosity just might flow back to you a thousand fold.

Authentic listening starts in silence. Be still and pay close attention. Open to all that arises. Trust that you can stop trying to control everything and that you can just be. Listen with your whole being, and the the deepest truths will be revealed.

What have you learned about listening? Do you need to listen more deeply? I’d love to hear…

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10 Steps to Mastering the Art of Joyful Living

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”
~Hafiz of Persia

Are you moving too fast to enjoy life? Are you caught up in problems and struggles? Are you pressing forward on automatic, burning the candle at both ends?

This post is all about slowing down – and I’m writing it for myself as much as for anyone reading this. Because it’s time to stop, be still, hop off the treadmill, and return to sanity.

It’s so easy to slip away from being aware. Even with the best of intentions, before we know it, we find ourselves moving mindlessly through life. We go through the motions, taking care of obligations, inhabiting habit patterns, and meanwhile longing for a time when the to-do list is empty. Our minds are caught in mental whirlwinds while we are missing out on what is already here.

We feel separate, deadened, and half-alive.

Joyful living takes commitment. It asks us to be awake and aware in the moments of our lives. It invites us to stem the momentum of our habits so we can reclaim peace, appreciation, wonder, awe, presence.

Do you want to master the art of joyful living? Integrate these 10 steps in your life, and the seeds of joy will flourish endlessly.

1. Bring silence and stillness into your life

If we turn down the volume on all the noise in our lives, we discover the amazing fact that silence and stillness are already here. And when we intentionally allow ourselves to be still, we naturally open to a deep appreciation of the present moment. We become relaxed, grounded and clear, and stress begins to melt away.

How can you bring silence into your life? When can you stop and be still?

2. Clean up

Someone recently told me she feels disgusted when she looks into her closet because of all the clutter. It”s a shame because every moment of disgust is a moment empty of joy.

If there is anything you are procrastinating about, anything you can easily fix, anyone who drags you down, pay attention. Don’t wait or settle for good enough. Carve out the time, figure out a solution, and clean it up. You are making the space for joy, peace, and happiness to illuminate your life.

3. Mind your own business

Do you want to be unhappy and frustrated? Then try controlling things you can’t actually do anything about. Like other people or most situations or the past or future.

If you are caught in an emotional reaction, turn the mirror onto yourself. Let the story go, and see what is actually true in your direct experience. Bring compassion right into the places where it is needed most.

Diligently work on the areas where you get stuck, and joy will naturally shine through you.

4. Give to others whatever you feel you are lacking

So many of us want attention, love, and understanding. We live in a state of lack, thinking that life can begin if only we get what we think we need.

Consider that you may not actually need what you think you need. It might just be an old story that has outworn its welcome.

Instead of living in lack, contemplate generosity. Give out to others what you want or need. Pull out the stops in offering attention, interest, and caring. Your sense of lack will be transformed into fullness. Believing you don’t have enough becomes love overflowing.

5. Use your senses

Life is so abundant right before our very eyes. Slow down and take the time to see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. Eating an apple becomes a sensual delight, doing the dishes a symphony.

6. Recognize what is working

It is so easy to focus on problems and unhappy feelings. They grab our attention and won’t let go like a dog feasting on a juicy bone.

Take stock of what is working in your life. Is your living situation a good one? Do you know people who you love and appreciate? Do you enjoy your daily runs or a good home-cooked meal? Simply look around you, and you may be surprised by the bounty that is already present.

7. Live in forgiveness

If a grudge is interfering with your joy of life, then it requires your loving attention. Don’t let the minutes tick by while you live in self-righteousness or regret. Neutralize the stories from the past, and make the choice to live joyfully now.

Then live in amends. If you feel wronged by someone or you hurt another, deal with it. Don’t let it fester. Make a lifestyle of living free from hurts and grudges. You will feel strong, clear, and empowered.

8. Learn from life experiences

Sometimes the road of life is a bumpy one. If you want to master joyful living, be open to learning from the challenges that life brings you. Be honest about what buttons get pushed and recognize when you have dropped into a hole that you can’t seem to find your way out of.

Difficult life experiences are designed to show us the areas in our lives where we are not yet free. Use these situations well for your own liberation. You might have noticed that the teachings come until we understand the lesson. If there is a self-defeating pattern playing out in your life, slow it down so you can become conscious of what you are doing. Then make different, better choices with your eyes wide open.

9. Be pleasant

No matter what is going on in your life, show up in an open, good-natured way. No one likes a Negative Nancy. Stop complaining, and instead be patient, open, kind, and agreeable in your day-to-day life.

10. Lean into joy

Every moment offers a choice. Take a look at your life, and it will show you what you value. Are you choosing stress, conflict, and unhappiness?

Joy provides the perfect barometer for navigating through life. All you need to do is recognize what brings you joy, then follow it. Simple, right? Make room in your life for what is positive, light, and life-affirming.  You will have mastered the art of joyful living.

Do you live joyfully? Where do you get stuck? What other suggestions do you have?  I’d love to hear…

Smiling at Strangers: How to Welcome the Unappealing in Others and Ourselves

Note:  Please welcome guest author Patricia Walling who invites us to be open in all directions, even when it’s challenging.

When a friend of mine was in high school, she took some summer courses in Boston in preparation for college. She had a penpal in Amherst working on his medical coding certification who had agreed to meet her one sunny day, and was taking a Greyhound bus to a large terminal in Boston. She looked up the address of the terminal, and sped off to meet her friend.

A Wrong Turn?

However, when she got off the bus, something felt wrong. The part of town she arrived at felt less like a transportation hub than it did a “hood,” and indeed, when she arrived at the address, she found an abandoned furniture factory, with no Greyhound buses to be seen. She circled around the neighborhood several times to make sure she wasn’t a block off, but it turned out that both the bus depot and this abandoned factory had the very same address.

During these wanderings, three older African-American men had begun to follow her. She was white, from a small, predominantly white town, young and pretty- and very much lost and alone.

She heard them muttering things she assumed were full of bad intentions and was about to panic, but instead she took a deep breath, turned around, and smiled at the three men, opening her arms wide.

“I’m sorry, I’m lost.” She said. “Do you know where the bus depot is?”

Presumably these men were used to being treated as though they were criminals, but when my friend approached them as fellow human beings their tone shifted almost immediately. One of the men, who had a large scar that ran from above his left eye across his nose and down to his neck, was so impressed by my friend that he escorted her all the way across town to the depot, even paying for her subway ticket to get there. Her friend’s bus was late, so she managed to meet him right on time, and they had a great day together.

Diamonds in the Rough

This story could have had a much less happy ending, but as it was it taught my friend a lesson she will remember her entire life: always remember that other people are also people, just like you and me.

It is tempting, if not simply human nature, to categorize people on sight as being different or even as possible sources of harm. We avoid them, fear them, and teach our children to do the same. We misinterpret their behavior as being driven by unreasonable perceptions, if any reason at all, and actively find reasons to separate ourselves from them and what they do.

However, more often than not, the same people we avoid can be great sources of insight, and we can learn the most unexpected joys from strangers, even if the package that joy comes in seems damaged or malicious at first. He or she could be just as kind and wise as your best friend, and indeed, they could even become your best friend if you took the chance to know them.

Smiling at Our Own Strangers

It can be said that the assumptions we make about strangers, we also make about ourselves. We look inward and divide ourselves up, saying that one part is better than another. We distance ourselves from our bad parts, refusing to accept them as part of the whole that makes up who we are.

Yet our flaws, like strangers, contain extraordinary chances for redemption and wisdom. Here are some ways to smile at your personal strangers.

  1. We often judge unfairly, and expect more of ourselves than we can reasonably give. The next time you’re giving yourself a hard time, take a step back and pretend you’re someone else. Don’t just assume you know how other people saw you, but really look at yourself and see it from another perspective. You will find that more often than not, you’ve done nothing wrong.
  2. When you find yourself regretting something you’ve done, examine closely the reasons why you chose to act that way. Don’t write it off with excuses like “I was just being stupid.” Try to understand the root of your actions, and accept them unto yourself.
  3. Last but not least, don’t forget to treat yourself! Calling what you love a guilty pleasure does no good to anyone, especially you. Moderation is key, but you should never regret what makes you happy. See if you can’t integrate it into your life in a productive manner.

Facing that which is unappealing with a smile and open arms can bring us to a whole new realm of acceptance and forgiveness. When we appreciate others as well as ourselves, a whole world of possibilities opens up, and we don’t want to miss that bus. What does the stranger in yourself look like, and how would you approach them?

Patricia Walling is a web content designer for several health care related sites, including Medical Billing and Coding. She self-identifies as a perpetual student of medicine, and can be found most of the time researching anything related to the field. She lives in Washington, and as a result of the long winter there is itching for the sun to return so she can run outside and play!

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The Ultimate Guide to Getting Unstuck

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African Proverb

Congratulations! You’ve done it! You’re sick and tired of suffering. You’ve realized that the struggles in your life are your responsibility. You don’t want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over. You are ripe for transformation. Good for you!

Change must be in the air, as your comments and emails so aptly attest to. I feel a momentum of readers here recognizing how they are blocked, walled off, stuck in a rut – wanting to change, but still finding themselves playing out the same old, same old.

This post is all about, “Now what?” You are willing to get serious about not letting these patterns continue. You are eager to take action, but what do you do? Get out the shovel, the clippers, the fertilizer, and the hoe. It’s time to tend to your inner garden.

As you set the stage for change, be willing to get a little dirt on your hands. Stay conscious so you can discriminate the weeds from the beautiful flowers and plants that bring you joy. Learn to sow and fertilize seeds that support your happiness, peace, and well-being.

As you give your consistent, loving attention to the tendencies that don’t serve, they begin to unravel. And when you cultivate a lifestyle that keeps you from going to sleep and letting your patterns run wild, the freedom you long for shows up at your doorstep.

Are you ready, willing, and able? Here’s how.

Inquire

Begin by asking yourself questions that illuminate every detail of this conditioned tendency that has found a home in you. Identify the roots, stem, and leaves – what drives you, your inner reaction, and your behavior choices. Keep an open heart and mind as you ask yourself:

  • What am I experiencing in my body?
  • What story am I telling myself that is keeping this tendency alive?
  • What do I believe to be true about myself, other people, and the world in this situation?
  • What are my expectations of how things are supposed to be?
  • What am I assuming?
  • How do I go from relaxation to suffering? Exactly how does this pattern develop and manifest?

Receive

You now have a whole lot of information about how these pesky troubles arise. Next, take your time with the answer to each of these questions. Let yourself go from thinking about the responses to a felt experience of them in your being. Walk in your garden and smell every rose.

This step makes the unconscious conscious. It awakens us to the truth of these tendencies, so they can no longer hide. It brings light to the darkness, compassion to what we have rejected or pushed away. It takes us out of the well-worn rut so we can pause, breathe, and observe.

  • Close your eyes and receive the response to each question in silence, in stillness.
  • Feel the sensations in your body, one by one.
  • Tap into your inner wise one, then see the stories and belief systems with clarity. Are they actually true? Do they serve?
  • Review the process of how you go from relaxation to suffering, feeling each step. Get to know this experience with great familiarity.

Open

This step is about breaking the chains from the past. It invites you to be open to new possibilities, to venture out into the unknown. There is an inflexibility to repeating a pattern – the ones that get us into trouble. A happens, then B, then C, and without even realizing it, you are reacting in the same unpleasant, automatic way. It’s frustrating. Your heart is beating, but you aren’t truly alive.

By inquiring, then allowing yourself to receive fully, the pattern just can’t hold up in the same way. The jig is up, and the light has been turned on. As that happens, inflexibility is replaced by openness. New ways of responding become apparent. The soil of your being is rich for new seeds to be planted. You see the same old situations and people with fresh eyes – truly as if for the first time.

Maybe you will walk away. Maybe you will discover the kindest heart ever. Maybe you will discover that silence is golden. Be prepared for the unexpected.

Openness asks us to yield to the mystery, to not know, to make space for sane, appropriate responding to take shape. We behave in alignment with the moment, rather than being propelled by old baggage. We are alive, spacious, and true.

Rinse and Repeat

I can’t say this often enough: True transformation requires a true commitment. You don’t explore a pattern once in a while or only when you’re really hurting. Make your freedom a continual choice. Orient your whole life to wholeness, and the riches of the kingdom will be revealed to you.

Be a dabbler, and your movement is likely to go at a snail’s pace, if at all. Your garden will be overgrown, and your fields fallow.

Create room for stillness. Read inspiring books (and blogs). Spend time with fellow lovers of life. Commit to no longer letting your patterns run you, and the whole world is yours.

Are you stuck in a pattern? Have you found your way out? I’d love to hear…

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