Archives for April 2011

Know That You Are Whole

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.”
~Eckhart Tolle

“I feel so damaged.”

These were the words I heard recently from a friend, and it broke my heart. She had just become aware of a pattern in many of her relationships that has caused decades of struggling. She saw how it originated in her childhood, and she felt hopeless that it could ever change.

I didn’t say it, but secretly I was happy – because becoming aware of an old pattern is the first giant step toward being free of it.

The Myth of Damage

Who among us has not felt damaged? If we commit to authenticity in our lives, to not leaving one stone unturned, we will eventually come across these overlooked places in ourselves. We discover pockets of conditioning that make us feel needy or have led us to act in ways that are less than admirable. We may have even hurt others or ourselves. It’s easy to feel flawed.

But there is a misunderstanding in identifying ourselves as damaged. Because here is the truth: You did not come into the world damaged. Your original source, who you are, is whole, fulfilled, creative, completely at peace, loved and loving.

If you feel damaged, you have forgotten the truth of the matter. Unbeknownst to you, a layer of false identity has been shielding you from yourself. You are absorbed in a learned behavioral habit that, at one time, you needed for your survival.

Now is the time to remember who you are.

Unwinding the Habit

We are born innocent, filled with so much potential, virtually free of psychological scars. Then life brings us challenges. Our needs are not adequately met. Our feelings are rejected or minimized. We may have been criticized, pressured, demeaned, or even abused.

We don’t have the skills and support to manage our emotional reactions, so our feelings go underground, out of conscious awareness. We develop belief systems and strategies to make our way in the world. And we take on identities – as unworthy, entitled, bitter, or afraid.

My friend Melanie grew up with a single mother who gave her the silent treatment for days whenever she made the slightest infraction. Can you imagine what this would do to a little girl? She lived in fear of making mistakes, and her whole focus was on the fruitless task of pleasing her mother. Even now, decades later, she catches herself expecting to be rejected by friends and co-workers if she speaks her mind.

Faced with these untenable situations, our original face, our essence or true nature, gets covered over, obscured by whirling thoughts and desperate behaviors trying to make sense of the confusion. And these tendencies are very deeply ingrained because we become masters of them so early on in life.

Imagine walking back and forth on the same 5-foot stretch of ground day after day, year after year. The groove becomes a ditch which becomes a chasm. We can’t fathom that another way is possible. No wonder we call ourselves damaged.

But you are not damaged (so you can stop telling yourself that you are). Take away what you have learned from your experiences, and what is revealed is the unconditioned you. You are whole, clear, undisturbed, open.

Doing the Work

Working with these habits that have become your foundation takes patience, perseverance, and love. See if you can make these habits an ally rather than an enemy. Let them walk with you, if they need to, but don’t let them rule your life. They may not disappear, but you will see the potential in each moment to make a new and different choice.

Study the pattern so you can recognize it easily.
See how it served you at some point in your life – but no longer.
Be willing to let it soften. You are saying, “Yes!” to life.
Prepare yourself to feel and act differently.
Try out a new response or behavior.

On the road to reclaiming yourself, you will forget and lose your way, and this is not a problem. Keep at it, and eventually there will be chinks in the armor. You will notice space and flexibility where before was contraction and habit.

Are you damaged? Impossible. Consider that you are whole. Discover that love is closer than close. Restore yourself to your natural state, and you will see that damage is a figment of your imagination.

Do you recognize yourself as whole? Can you see that the ways you have learned to protect yourself are not who you are? I’d love to hear…

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A Simple Guide to Stress-Free Living

“The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.”
~Pema Chodron

Of course, we all want to be happy. We long for serenity, relaxation, and peace. But sometimes there is no way around it – stress consumes us. We all know what it’s like – whole-body tension, endless worrying, anxiety that won’t quit.

You may not be able to wave the magic wand that will make your stress disappear. But you can pay attention. You can welcome in the experience of stress and take the necessary steps to not only cope with it, but transform it. Stress can be your friend, the portal to the richness of the now.

Stress is code for fear. When we are under stress, our primitive brains take over, and the fight or flight reaction rushes through our minds and bodies. But this response was designed for animals in the wild being chased by their predators. In our modern world, the only thing that is really chasing us is our stress-filled thoughts and the accompanying feeling of overwhelm.

For some people, a small amount of stress increases productivity. But for most of us, stress detracts from our quality of life and well-being. It affects us physically, mentally, and emotionally. Don’t take your stress for granted. Recognize it, let it in, then consciously take the steps to restore yourself to your natural state of ease.

Remember that in any moment, you are at a crossroads: you can connect with yourself and pay attention or you can sustain suffering.

Practical Coping

Start here to address what you can control. Is there something you can let go of? Can you do less? Can you change something about the situation so it is not so stressful for you?

Physical Coping

It won’t be news to hear that stress has a physical component. When adrenaline courses through your system, you feel tense, jittery, and hyper-alert. Spinning thoughts, which are common with stress, add to the intensity of the physical sensations. Work on the thoughts (see below), and relax around the sensations. Then take care of yourself with the following:

Deep breathing. Exhale out all the air, then fill your lungs from the bottom to the top to a count of 4 our 5. Then exhale to a count of 4 or 5. Repeat 5 times. Just one breath can re-orient you out of unconsciousness and into clarity and aliveness.
Exercise
Yoga
Take a walk outside, and appreciate your environment with all five senses.
Listen to soothing music
Meditate
Take a break
Do anything soothing and enjoyable. What would that be for you?
Laugh
Eat a healthy, balanced diet

Mental Coping

Stressful thoughts are driven by fear. Simply said, they aren’t true. They distort reality and create a negative and worrisome picture of the future. They seduce us into trying to control what we cannot control, to know what we cannot know.

Recognize these thoughts, and tell yourself that they aren’t true and they don’t serve. Here are some examples:

Magnify the negative. Stressful thoughts focus only on the negative and trick you into expecting the worst.
Black and white thinking. You view yourself as either perfect or terrible. You either succeed or fail, with no gray area.
Jumping to conclusions. You assume you know how something will turn out when you really don’t know.
Catastrophizing. Making things seem worse than they are.

Stressful thoughts need to be challenged and seen from the perspective of actual truth. You will find that they are neither true nor useful. And if they aren’t true or useful, why feed them?

Instead, tell yourself it’s OK. Say, “This too shall pass.” Recognize the fear that is driving them. And put your energy and attention on that which is more uplifting, supportive, and life-affirming. Check out Byron Katie’s The Work for more.

Emotional Coping

If you take one point from this post, let it be this: Be kind to yourself. Whether you are anxious, scared, or irritable, let your feelings be. Bring compassion and acceptance to them. Be aware of what you would like to hear from someone else, and soothe yourself with those same words.

If you fight with your feelings, you will only add more stress to an already stressful situation. Let go of judging and be kind. Don’t resist or recoil. Your feelings are knocking on the door, so welcome them in. You will see a paradox: what you resist persists, and welcoming your feelings de-energizes them. Get support from a friend, family member, or professional.

Life Balance

Yes, you may be stressed, but are you also grateful? Recognize what is working, what is positive. Let people who you love know it, and let theirs wash over you. Think about your strengths and resources, and bring them to bear on whatever you are dealing with. Give up the fight and let yourself flow with what is happening. Stand in the space of being the naturally resilient creature that you are.

If you are feeling stressed, don’t accept it as the status quo. Really, it’s no way to live. Control what you can, and accept the rest. Bring kindness to every aspect of your experience. Then go forth, and enjoy yourself.

What have you learned about coping with stress? I’d love to hear…

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Happiness Alert: You Need to Pay Attention

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
~Confucius

There is one simple, revolutionary, foolproof principle you need to know if you want to be happy. In fact, I suspect you know it already. And here it is: What you feed with your attention is what will grow.

You hold the key to the golden door behind which your happiness lies. You can be relaxed, peaceful, present, and free. Really. How? Pay attention to what you are paying attention to.

Be Aware of What You Are Doing

Here is how it works. Say you worry or you are resentful or you complain and criticize. If these are the experiences you are interested in, if these are what you are feeding with your attention, what will be the effect on your reality? You won’t be happy. You are preoccupied with experiences that bring displeasure and malcontent. And this will be your experience.

You don’t have to try to be happy. Simply refuse to feed what doesn’t serve you. Stop fueling negativity, and you are making the space to feel happier and more peaceful. If you don’t pay attention to troubling thoughts and feelings, happiness will be revealed effortlessly. But don’t take my word for it. Try it out so you will know for yourself.

See? All you need to do is recognize what you are interested in. Then let go of what is interfering with your happiness. As an experiment, monitor your attention for a day or two to identify where your attention is actually going.

What do you spend your time thinking about?
Are you stuck in stories about the past and worries about the future?
What feelings are going unexamined?
What do you do to avoid being conscious of your thoughts and feelings?
Are you sustaining thoughts of can’t, should, or shouldn’t?

Answer these questions, and you will know what you are paying attention to. Your unhappiness will no longer be a mystery. Now, make the choice to move your attention away from this downhill trend, step out from under the dark cloud, and you will discover that happiness has been here all along.

Transformation is Possible

A friend recently revealed that he used to be argumentative. He held strong opinions about politics, and was prepared to angrily assert his point of view at the drop of a hat, which he did often. Somehow he realized that he was fueling inner agitation, and he didn’t like how he felt. So he stopped – just like that. “I didn’t want to be in turmoil,” he told me.

Another friend saw the beginning of an old pattern and didn’t step into it. “I knew it was finished, so I looked for other options,” she said. She was successful in choosing just the right course of action and was ecstatic to see that real change is possible.

It’s really this easy. If you don’t like what you are doing, if you don’t like how it is making you feel, then stop. Don’t feed negativity, as all it breeds is more negativity.

Let Troubling Habits Go

I’m not suggesting that you think happy thoughts because happiness is so much greater than our thoughts. I’m not suggesting that you avoid the reality of your experience. Consider that your attention is like food and nourish only that which supports you.

Right now, in this moment, what can you stop feeding – judgment, bitterness, stress, conflict? Let yourself step off the hamster wheel of your habitual patterns. Recognize that you can relax. You can be bright and open to the joy of the moment.

Find out how you get in your own way, then choose peace. Choose love. Choose to be alive rather than dull and flat and separated from life.

Pay attention to what supports you, and get ready to be transformed.

Is negative thinking ingrained in you (like it was in me)? Can you shift your attention? I’d love to hear…

How to Live in the Land of Yes

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.
~Epictetus

What does it mean to live in the land of Yes? When you inhabit Yes, you are open, receptive, available. You approach each moment with wonder and curiosity, without expectation, with openness.

In the land of Yes, you don’t close down or shut yourself away. You don’t avoid or resist. You are here, present, awake, aware, alive.

How Do You Say No?

If we want to live in Yes, we must understand no. How do you say, “No” to life? Here are some clues:

I don’t want this to be happening.
I don’t want to feel this way.
I want to be reacting differently.
I want him to be behaving differently.
She should be doing or saying…
This shouldn’t be happening.
I don’t want to be sick, unhappy, in pain, stressed.
My past should have been different.

Can you feel the no? It boxes you in and traps you in a corner. And it does absolutely nothing to change your reality. In fact, as the adage says, “What you resist persists.” Resisting reality has a paradoxical effect – it strengthens exactly the experience you wish would disappear.

Stand up and try pushing against a wall. Does the wall move? Are you making any progress? Now, stop pushing, and everything changes. You relax, you give up the fight, you accept.

Yes Is Discriminating

It is important to recognize that living in the land of Yes, doesn’t mean you become a doormat. Yes is discriminating. When you see things as they are, without blinders on, your next step becomes obvious. You choose without adding in the drama of resistance.

Say that your friend is always late when you have a plan to get together. You are sitting there waiting, and you feel tense. Your mind swirls with angry thoughts. You think of the times you already mentioned this problem, but she doesn’t seem to listen. This is resistance.

Now, let’s move into the land of Yes. First, fully accept the situation – her lateness, your tension and frustration. What are your choices? You can enjoy your present circumstances, moving from waiting to sitting, looking, hearing, appreciating. You can call her and let her know you will be leaving in 10 minutes. You can tell her you won’t be making plans with her anymore. You can recognize that you are willing to love her as she is.

The End of Drama

See how it works? When you let go of resisting, choices appear, and you make one. Either accept what is happening exactly as it is or change something. And here is what you can change – your behavior, how you hold your thoughts and feelings.

But sitting in frustration and running an angry story in your mind about her only has one result – you suffer. I don’t know about you, but I choose to not suffer.

The Joy of Yes

In the land of Yes, you are present and aware. You aren’t fueled by fear or resentment. You are free of conditioning from the past and worry about the future.

When you arrive at Yes, you might be surprised at how peaceful you can be about things that once bothered you. You might laugh at how useless negative thinking is. Your whole way of being in the world may transform.

Where in your life are you resisting? What are you saying “no” to and what is the effect? Are you bumping into walls every way you turn?

Let yourself be amazed by living in the land of Yes. Make the choice now, and you will realize that you are never truly stuck. In any moment, say Yes. Drop the trouble, take a breath, and open to the truth of things as they are. Life is here, right now, waiting patiently for your Yes.

Are you resisting? What has been your experience when you enter the land of Yes? I’d love to hear…