Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for January 2011

Like a Phoenix Rising from the Ashes

“Suffering and joy teach us, if we allow them, how to make the leap of empathy, which transports us into the soul and heart of another person. In those transparent moments we know other people’s joys and sorrows, and we care about their concerns as if they were our own.”
~Fritz Williams

“Phoenix rising from the ashes.” This phrase popped into my head recently, and I wasn’t sure why until I did the research. As the story goes, the phoenix is a mythical bird with fiery plumage that lives up to 100 years. Near the end of its life, it settles in to its nest of twigs which then burns ferociously, reducing bird and nest to ashes. And from those ashes, a fledgling phoenix rises – renewed and reborn.

And now I get it. This is the story of my life in the past few months – especially the part about burning ferociously. Life presented me with some challenging circumstances that left me just hanging on. And now, sanity has returned.  I look out with fresh eyes. The fog has lifted, and the dark clouds have moved on.

My experience is not unique – it happens to all of us at some point, it’s a part of the human journey. But this was my time, and I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned along the way.

Resistance is natural

When life threw me a curve, I longed for the turmoil to be over with. I wanted to pick myself up and move on. I tried hard to create a plan, to know what I didn’t know, to gain control. I was so busy trying to make things happen that I overlooked what was actually happening.

I ignored my feelings and resisted the present moment. Yes, me, the one who writes about welcoming all of our experience with a loving, open heart. I was doing everything but.

Finally, I realized my approach wasn’t working. I stopped trying. I let myself be frustrated and impatient. I admitted that there was so much I didn’t know, and I let go of figuring it all out. Life was messy, so I suspended my fruitless attempts to clean it up.

And this was the beginning of the fire, as there was space for feelings and reactions to surface.

Things happen in their own time

When I look back I see that I had very little control over what happened. The seasons of my experience had to run their course – severe winter storms, cold and darkness, then the seeds hidden from view beginning to sprout (very exciting!). The best I could do was ride the waves, which I did with varying degrees of success.

Forgetting and remembering joy

When darkness descends, joy is blotted out, buried, seemingly non-existent. Everything weighed like a heavy burden, all my activities felt like obligations. When I realized that I had forgotten joy, I created a “want-to-do” list. Every time I found myself wandering around in a fog, my job was to pull out the list and do something enjoyable or productive. I organized closets and took walks, finally starting to see the beauty around me.

And I focused on others – being a good friend, showing up for someone in need.

My self-care didn’t suffer. My diet stayed healthy, and I kept up with yoga. But some people going through hard times can benefit from paying special attention to the basics of daily living – good diet, exercise, limited alcohol.

Staying close to the bone

Things started to shift when I made the commitment to find direction in my moment-to moment experience. The big picture was way too nebulous, but I realized that in each moment there was a kernel of truth, a clarity, a “yes” that showed me my next step.

I recognized that this guidance had been there all along, but I was too caught up in trying to find solutions to see it. When I let go of paying so much attention to the stories running through my mind, of trying to control, of avoiding strong feelings, much to my surprise, I found the groundedness I was looking for – the truth in every moment.

Support was essential

At the beginning, I was going it alone, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Eventually, I reached out, allowing the vulnerability of asking for support. It came in so many beautiful, unexpected ways, but I had to let people know I needed it. And a few sessions with a therapist offered some very useful insights.

The clouds do part

“This too shall pass” were empty words to me. I looked into the future, and all I could see was confusion. My negative mind had taken over, and I couldn’t see my way out.

But the clouds do part in their own time. The human spirit is resilient and wants to find its way home to wholeness. I see this over and over in my work. I facilitate a bereavement group at a retirement community for people who have lost their spouses after sometimes 50+ years of marriage. You can just tell when someone walks through the door that they will announce they no longer need the group. They are renewed; they have gone into the darkness and found their way through.

One day I realized that I was happy, and soon after, I saw that I was thriving. I had been through the fire and emerged whole and clear, with doors opening in so many wonderful ways. The sad and frustrated stories in my mind had fallen away, and the emotions that had captured me softened. I can breathe freely again.

Eventually opening to the lessons

When people said I would look back and appreciate this time, all I could do was groan. When I was in the thick of it, it seemed like it would never end. And now, with the sun shining and flowers blooming, I can reflect on what I have learned.

  • Let things happen.
  • Give up trying to control.
  • Don’t pretend you know what you don’t know.
  • Stay close to what you know is true in the moment.
  • Feeling bad isn’t wrong – it’s just how things are sometimes.
  • Take good care of yourself.
  • Engage with others.
  • Reach out for support.
  • When the time is right, feel the emotions.
  • Get perspective – learn what not to do next time.

So there it is – my story. And now I turn it over to you. What have you learned about going through hard times? I’d love to hear…

 

10 Life-Changing Facts About Habits

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“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
~Albert Einstein

A few weeks ago, I published a post called 10 Life-Changing Facts About Fear. I was walking on the beach yesterday with my lovely friend Evan who suggested I write a 10 Life Changing Facts series. “Brilliant!” I thought (thanks, Evan), and what better topic to write about than getting unstuck.

The Pain of Being Stuck

And who doesn’t know what it’s like to be stuck? We find ourselves doing the same unsatisfying thing time after time or looking at situations and people in the same habitual way that doesn’t get us what we really want. Being stuck is tunnel vision, it’s prison, it’s limited and small and frustrating.

It can even lead us to despair, feeling there is no way out.

But here’s the good news: you can get unstuck. You absolutely can. No matter what habit is gripping you, you can find the courage to explore it, to understand how it works, to uncover the feelings that drive it.

Be Inspired to Get Unstuck

Need some inspiration? Here are the words of Deb, who commented on a recent post:

“A little over a year ago, when I first found your blog, I felt exactly as you describe in the first paragraphs. I wondered how I could ever not feel so alone, so unworthy. You are right, you just have to keep acknowledging your feelings and letting them go. I kept it up and one day I thought, hey, I don’t feel bad. I stepped out of my tight little box of unworthiness and insecurity, a little at a time, and it worked.”

Habits can’t sustain themselves in the light of conscious awareness. They thrive on resistance and evasion. But when we illuminate them with laser-like attention, when we are willing to see things exactly as they are, they soften. The momentum begins to slow, and we become aware of space for new perspectives and choices. We realize freedom.

Consider the Facts

Whatever your habit is – busyness, overeating, over-thinking, procrastination, passivity, argumentativeness, shyness – consider these life-changing facts about getting unstuck, then the ball is in your court. What do you really want for this precious life?

1. Moving through habits takes focus, willingness, and perseverance. You are addressing an automatic, repetitive, long-standing pattern that has momentum. Your true desire to be free of the habit has to be stronger than the force of the habit itself.

2. Habits stay in place through unconsciousness and inattention. If you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same result. The radical choice is to enter into whatever you experience rather than avoid it. See how your thought process works, what feelings drive you. Get to know the direct experience of desire and lack that underlies many of our conditioned tendencies. Eventually, the habit will surrender, I promise you.

3. Habits are driven by feelings you aren’t aware of. If you are carrying out a habit that isn’t serving you, you haven’t yet acknowledged the underlying feeling. It might be fear or sadness, anger or loss. Gently explore the deepest places inside you so can be free.

If you are afraid of the pain, meet that fear first. Then welcome the feelings – they have been waiting for your loving attention.

4. Habits are perpetuated by a story that runs in your mind. Look for thoughts that start with: I need, I can’t, I am missing, I have to, if I don’t. These are stories you tell yourself that convince you to play out a pattern that you know doesn’t serve you. Investigate these thoughts to see if they are actually true.

5. You will experience urges and cravings. No matter what pattern you are addressing, the moment of the urge to engage in it, once again, is the moment of truth. Are you going to experience this moment or avoid it? Urges have a physical component, so get to know what that feels like in your body. Go through the fire, and you will come out the other side.

6. Getting unstuck from habits means facing the unknown. When a habit drops away, your experience changes. You think and feel differently, your insights and perspectives change. You see choices you never noticed before. Don’t let your fear of the unknown keep you from the happiness, peace, health, and well being that are your birthright.

7. Dismantling habits takes patience. Your habit has probably been in place for years, so it will take some time to unwind. This means you will keep doing it even when you don’t want to. Be gentle with yourself, but don’t lose focus. Start small, and keep going, seeing each experience as an opportunity for learning.

8. There is no goal. I know you want to change your habit, but don’t turn it into a fight. Rather, be conscious, loving, and aware. Be willing to experience your feelings and investigate your thoughts. Lovingly usher yourself through the moment each time you feel the pressure of the habit. Then your whole relationship with your experience changes, and there is space for your inner wisdom to be heard.

9. The root of being stuck goes back to childhood. Many long-standing patterns start when we don’t have the skills or support to deal with strong feelings. In order to survive, we send them underground, and they stay there fragmented and lost. Then we come up with any number of creative ways to avoid them.

The medicine for this cycle is loving attention. Make a safe space for these experiences to come out of hiding. Integrate them into the whole that you already are. Let go of the effort to manage your inner world. Take a deep breath, let it go, and let everything be.

10. Getting help helps. I just finished eight sessions with a therapist. My friend, Tess, from The Bold Life, speaks about how getting help saved her marriage. Talking to an objective, skilled person helps you clear the fog of your habitual ways of thinking. Do yourself a favor: if you’re stuck, consider getting help, with me or anyone else you trust. Just one session can often make a difference.

Now it’s your turn. Here are the facts about habits. What is your next step? Any stories of frustration or success? I’d love to hear…

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Feeling Unworthy? How to Find Your Way to Freedom

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“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are.”
~Rachel Naomi Remen

Note: This post was inspired by a TED talk by researcher Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability.” Please watch it if your beliefs about your perceived failings, faults, and imperfections are holding you back. Isn’t now the time to end the suffering of unworthiness?

There is something that plagues so many of us, and it breaks my heart. Call it low self-esteem, shame, or the inner critic – it doesn’t matter what the name is. What matters is that we secretly feel unworthy, and we are afraid to take the risk to let others see us as we are. We harbor pernicious beliefs that bombard us with insults that we would never, in a million years, say to someone else.

The result? We feel disconnected, alienated, separate, and alone.

We live our lives in the proverbial closet, believing that if we let ourselves be seen, we would be summarily rejected.

Then, we close ourselves off, feeling lonely even when we’re surrounded by people. We numb ourselves from these painful feelings of unworthiness by eating and drinking too much, overspending, and staying insanely busy.

We get lost in a cycle of thinking and behaving that traps us into feeling even more isolated. We may even pretend that things are OK, while our soul screams in desperation.

Longing for Freedom

And all we want is to be happy. We want to be joyful and fulfilled, grateful and connected. We want to relax into our lives and put down all the effort it takes to keep ourselves safe.

I understand that your story is a sad one. You developed this mindset of unworthiness because you were rejected, abandoned, or mistreated. I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced.

But this is your life and your time. You can take responsibility for your feelings. You can learn to be compassionate toward yourself. You can be more open. And you can thrive – yes, you.

A Roadmap Out of Unworthiness

If you want to feel alive, if you want to unchain yourself from the cycle of not good enough, follow these breadcrumbs to freedom.

  • Don’t stay locked into the past. Somehow you have concluded that you are lacking because of how other people reacted toward you. If you let your mind run wild, it will keep repeating this story forever. Now is the time to let the past go. Every time these thoughts appear, don’t give them energy. Let them float by like clouds across the sky. Focus instead on the life-force that is present now.
  • Challenge your beliefs about yourself. Get to know your version of self-critical thoughts – I’m stupid, I can’t succeed, I will be laughed at, I’m unlovable. None of these thoughts holds a grain of truth. Not one iota. Recognize that they play in your mind as an endless loop that limits your capacity for happiness. They don’t serve you, so let them be and move on. Let your troublesome identities fall away.
  • End the violence. We reject ourselves and each other in so many gross and subtle ways. End the violence now by being kind toward your own thoughts and feelings. Treat yourself like gold. Find a generous space in your heart that is available to receive everything that arises in you without exception.
  • Be willing to be free. By now, your unworthiness is probably a friend of sorts. Imagine that this identity, this way of being you know so well, disappears. Poof! Things would look very different to you. Have the courage to step out into the unknown and be free of what holds you back.
  • Risk rejection. Yes, you read that correctly – risk rejection. If you don’t want to be trapped by unworthiness any longer, put yourself out there. Don’t act like the shrinking violet or the know-it-all. Be your whole, radiant, magnificent, awkward, scared, quirky self. Some people may shy away, but others will be drawn to your gorgeous authenticity. And you will know that they love you as you are.
  • Access your natural resilience. You have what it takes to heal this unworthiness. How do I know? Humans naturally gravitate toward wholeness and peace. Be willing to heal. Be willing to live in the totality of you – that means all of you. Create a momentum and keep it going.
  • Start small. Take one situation or encounter and approach it without the cloak of unworthiness. Do experiments. Stretch the edges of your comfort zone just a little. And don’t be discouraged. Keep at it – your happiness hangs in the balance.
  • Rinse and repeat. I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, “But I’ve done that, and I still feel the same way.” The goal is not to eliminate thoughts and feelings. Rather, bring a loving presence to them. See them, acknowledge them, then let them pass by while you stay stable in the fullness of your being. Do this every time they arise, and eventually they will soften. The pattern of unworthiness might have been with you for decades. Be patient. Give it time, and loving attention, and it will loosen its grip.

The opportunity is here, in this very moment, for happiness, peace, expansion, clarity, aliveness. There is no need to keep living in this secret hell. If you feel you are flawed and lacking, own it. Learn how to work intelligently with this experience. Ground yourself in the truth, and let the world see your shining face.

Feeling not good enough? Have you found your way through it? I’d love to hear…

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You Hold the Key to Thriving Relationships

good_friends“In spite of all similarities, every living situation has, like a newborn child, a new face, that has never been before and will never come again. It demands of you a reaction that cannot be prepared beforehand. It demands nothing of what is past. It demands presence, responsibility; it demands you.”
~Martin Buber

What is the #1 problem in relationships, a major source of unhappiness, and a deterrent to our peace of mind? Expectations.

If you want to be disappointed or frustrated, just expect someone to do or say something, and wait for the fallout. It will come. Holding an expectation is like putting a vice grip around reality, and reality will eventually break free. People do what they do, circumstances happen as they happen, no matter what we think or want.

The Power of Expectations

An expectation is a big, fat should. It creates a scenario of what we want the future to be like – he should…she shouldn’t… And then he doesn’t or she does.

Expectations move us out of the realm of the real and into the mind-created realm of imagination, fantasy, and hope. And by buying into these beliefs, we bring struggle to our own lives and disharmony to our relationships.

A friend of mine recently called this the “tyranny of should.” When we take “should” thoughts as real, we act like a tyrant wielding oppressive power toward ourselves and those around us. We clamp down on people, trying to limit their freedom to meet our needs. I know I have wielded my should’s and expectations in relationships. I have hurt people, including myself. Have you?

Trying to eliminate expectations is unlikely to bring you the peace that you long for. Expectations are the product of the mind, and it seems like the mind has, well, a mind of its own.

Rather than fighting with these thoughts, consider taking the compassionate approach. Investigate them, see if they are true, determine what fuels them, take in the effect they have on you and the people around you. Bring so much awareness to them that they lose their power. Then go forth in freedom.

The Compassionate Approach

  • Investigating your expectations requires you to take responsibility. The focus of your attention moves from blaming and a “poor me” mentality to an honest appraisal of your thoughts and feelings. You choose the path of wisdom and intelligence by giving up your need to be right. You are willing to illuminate the truth.
  • The fuel that keeps expectations in place is an unexamined feeling. What are you afraid of – being alone, losing control, not getting what you want, not being right? Let these fears surface and receive them with so much love.
  • Notice how these fears give rise to the expectation. If you are afraid of being alone, you try to limit your partner’s need for space and independence. If you are afraid of losing control, you react when things don’t go according to plan. See the process clearly:  fear ? expectation ? inner reaction ? reaction toward another
  • Feel the effect of reacting to an expectation. Is this what you really want – for yourself, for others?
  • Align yourself with reality. You can’t control what other people say or do. You can’t foretell the future. Stay open and accepting to things as they are.
  • If you are really stuck, go straight to your heart and offer wishes of well-being, happiness, and peace to yourself and whoever is triggering you. Eventually, you will want to thank the other person for helping to bring this problem to your awareness.

If you have a habit of acting on expectations, do yourself a favor. Take the time to do the work. Be willing to be honest and see what keeps you trapped. Lovingly come to peace within yourself.  Every person you know will thank you for it.

Do you get trapped by your expectations?  What is that like?  Have you experienced freedom from expectations?  I’d love to hear…

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