Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for October 2010

Why It’s Valuable to Stay Close to the Bone

close_to_bone“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the last post, we talked about the beauty of an uncluttered mind. And from an uncluttered mind flows the most pleasurable action.

We know when we are doing the right thing. We don’t obsess, doubt, worry, or regret. Actions emanate from a clear mind and finish without adding to our inner turmoil. They are clean. They leave no residue. They are unambiguous, joyful, and efficient.

Sticky Actions

And then there are those actions that stick to us like glue. We have a sinking feeling before we do them, and their shadow stays with us no matter what we do. Like these, for example:

  • Lying; not telling the whole truth
  • Gossiping
  • Criticizing
  • Manipulating
  • Addictive or compulsive behaviors

Behaviors such as these are confusing from the get-go. They come from fear, desire, and pressure. We strategize to avoid discomfort, to make ourselves look good, to get what we think we need, to do what we think we should.

They feed inner agitation. They leave us in an endless loop of trying to figure things out and clean up after ourselves. If we tell the truth, we know this is not a satisfying way to be.

Clean Actions

Clean actions arise from clarity and inner knowing. We respond appropriately to what is in front of us. We take in the details of the circumstances we find ourselves in, digest them through the heart, then trust what happens next.

This is how we stay close to the bone. We tune in to what is utterly true for us and have the courage to let it be our guide. We give ourselves permission to:

  • Say no or say yes,
  • Express love rather than resentment,
  • Remember to give thanks,
  • Do what we enjoy,
  • Follow our deepest yearnings.

We unlock the shackles that keep us tied up in stressful endeavors, and we let ourselves live freely. We make the space to be efficient and creative.

Clean action happens in the moment as we surrender our personal dramas and allow the truth that appears. We can ask: What is right in this moment? And listen for the answer.

Earlier this week, I had planned to go to a yoga class. When the time came to walk out the door, I knew that I was pushing through the truth to follow my plan. I stopped at this decision point allowing the dilemma, then chose to stay home.

A mundane example, you might be thinking. On the surface, it is. But the truth appears only in the moment, and the choice we make is only the one in front of us. Even in the bigger decisions in life – to leave a job, to get married or have children – we know when we know.

Staying Quiet

Sometimes the clean action is no action. Rather than propelling ourselves forward or playing out our habits once again, if we really listen, we see that we are being asked to be still and keep quiet. There is so much wisdom in silence. And if it makes us uncomfortable, the discomfort is a gift that needs our loving attention.

Staying close to the bone means being conscious and aware. We are open, receptive, and allowing. We get out of the way and let each action be lived fully. With no trace and no residue, we are available to the next moment – clear, clean, alive.

Do you live close to the bone? What actions leave a residue that you want to pay more attention to? I’d love to hear…

Passing On The Love

huggingfriends“For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.”
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I started blogging because I thought other people might benefit from the insights that have transformed my life. But I never could have predicted that I would meet such lovely, pure-intentioned, generous people along the way. Sandra Lee of Always Well Within calls it the web of love, and I couldn’t agree more.

I am happily entangled in this web of love. I have been tapped by not one, but two bloggers to receive the Beautiful Blogger Award: Emma from Graceful Balance is saucy, a little outrageous, and overflowing with joy. Sandra from Always Well Within has a heart of gold and shares the wisdom of the ages with great intelligence and clarity. Thank you, Emma and Sandra!

This award comes with two requests. I am asked to share seven things about myself that you may not know, then pass along the award to five other bloggers. Here goes.

7 Things You May Not Know About Me

  1. I love the time I get to spend with my elderly parents. I feel honored to be with them at this tender time in all of our lives.
  2. I’m a decent salsa dancer.
  3. I absolutely love yoga. It helps me be strong and grounded in all aspects of my being. Recently, I’ve been exploring the wonders of the breath. My practice is challenging, and I am close to finishing my 200-hour yoga teacher certification.
  4. Years ago, I was almost fluent in French. Now I’m trying to unearth it from my aging brain, somewhat successfully. I see a visit to a language school in France in my future.
  5. I was raised in Pennsylvania. After finishing graduate school, I moved to Florida and realized that I could live in beautiful places with beautiful weather. (Sorry, Pennsylvanians!) It was only a matter of time before I made it to California. I have lived in the Bay Area and now Santa Barbara.
  6. I’m curious by nature. When I was growing up, I would never take anyone’s word for anything, and I was always keen to explore and experiment. This made me an interesting teenager to raise. Just ask my mother.
  7. I’ve done two 14-day and several 10-day silent meditation retreats.

beautifulbloggeraward

And now I have the honor of presenting the Beautiful Blogger Award to:

  • Robin Easton of Naked in Eden. Being in Robin’s presence is like drowning in an ocean of love.
  • Lori Deschene of Tiny Buddha. Day after day, Lori offers simple wisdom that is easily applicable to our daily lives.
  • Tara Sophia Mohr of Wise Living. Tara tells it like it is in a beautifully courageous way.
  • Sibyl of Alternaview. Sibyl is an expert at putting a fresh spin on common topics.
  • Christopher Foster of The Happy Seeker. A pure and generous heart.

Bloggers, if you are willing to take on the challenge, I look forward to your posts.

Feel free to check out all the amazing people mentioned here. And I would love to know from you: what blogs do you love? How does reading blogs support you?

Still wanting more? Click to learn about one-on-one sessions with me for personalized, insightful help.

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A Simple Guide to Decluttering Your Mind

meditationsunset
“The single clenched fist lifted and ready, or the open hand held out and waiting.
Choose: For we meet by one or the other.”
~Carl Sandburg

There’s a lot of talk in the blogosphere about simplifying our lives. I love when things are simple. I recently saw “The Social Network,” and what struck me was the portrayal of lives filled to the brim with complexity.

It got me thinking about clutter – the internal kind. The worries, should’s, buried emotions, and repetitive stories that populate our minds and keep us caught in unhealthy patterns. Clutter is defined as “a disorderly heap” or “confused noise.” I don’t know about you, but I am aware of some clutter I could stand to lose.

A Decluttered Mind

The goal of reducing clutter is to eliminate the non-essentials and keep only what is needed. If you are cleaning out your closet, this means deciding which pile each thing belongs in. But when it comes to the contents of your mind, the choice is where you place your attention. What do you want to feed with your most precious resource – your attention?

Just imagine, for a moment, an uncluttered mind. Feel your way into it. It is still and pristine like a mountain lake on a windless day. Even if a ripple appears, the tranquility remains, undisturbed. Your actions are clean and efficient. In the spaciousness, you notice creative impulses, novel ideas, and boundless peace. You feel light, calm, and alive.

Inquiry for Thoughts and Feelings

Are you ready to declutter your mind? Experts suggest asking a series of questions to decide what to keep and what to let go of. Take each thought pattern, each emotion, any internal experience that holds you back and pose these questions:

  • Do I need this? Is it essential or necessary?
  • Does it serve me? Is it helpful or useful?
  • Am I attached to it? Can I let it go?

The Process of Letting Go

Let’s be clear about what “let it go” means. It’s not exactly like throwing away those shoes you haven’t worn for five years – or is it?

Letting go might mean choosing to move your attention away from a non-essential thought or feeling every time it arises. Or, the process of asking these questions might automatically dispel a long-treasured, old, boring story.

I spent years holding resentments against my parents. One day, I realized that the one who was hurt most by them was me. It was an amazing revelation, and in that moment, the resentments were gone. For good. Almost miraculously, my relationship with my parents began to improve.

And sometimes the letting go is more of a process that happens over time.

Start by asking yourself the three questions, and see what you discover. Maybe you will be ready to let go of a mindset that doesn’t serve you. Or simply asking the questions may help the patterns loosen their grip.

As I was writing this post, I detected a subtle urge to cling to some non-essential thoughts and feelings I noticed. Was I ready to let them go? Did they comfort me in some way? I met the tendency to hold on with the sweetest acceptance, and everything melted once again.

Decluttering is not an order, or even a goal. With great wisdom and love, simply notice, inquire, receive, then watch what happens…effortlessly.

What is cluttering up your mind? Is it serving you? Is it time to let go? I’d love to hear…

Still wanting more? Click to learn about one-on-one sessions with me for personalized, insightful help.

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To Change or Not To Change? That Is the Question

actorNo, I’m not channeling Shakespeare, but I imagine I’m not alone in wondering what to do with difficult thoughts and feelings that recur in our lives over and over. Maybe you are limiting yourself by a story about the past, yet you keep repeating it in your mind. Or, even though you long to express love and compassion in the world, you find yourself judging others. Perhaps your emotions get the better of you when you thought you had already untangled that mess.

We know so clearly that we want to be happy, peaceful, and kind, yet these unsavory thoughts and feelings keep arriving. We desperately want to improve, yet our efforts to eliminate these trouble spots continually fail. Are we stuck forever in this endless loop of trying to fix ourselves?

Here is the good news: there is a way out of this frustrating cycle. And it starts by understanding what we can and cannot change.

What We Cannot Change

Some years ago, my happiest times were setting out on a mountain trail with a backpack on my back. It took only a few minutes until my whole body would relax, and I became part of the natural world. I loved that I couldn’t control what came my way: an unexpected summer snowstorm, a hungry skunk helping himself to our food, a delay that required hiking until late at night.

The lesson I learned? Intelligently go with the flow. My job was not to change what was unchangeable, but to accept, receive, work with, navigate.

“We can’t stop the waves, but we can learn to surf.”

~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

Just as I couldn’t wish that snowstorm away, we can’t eliminate thoughts and feelings. And this bears repeating: We don’t have the power to control the thoughts and feelings that arise in us. A judgment, a grudge, a wave of jealousy or anger – we can’t stop any of it from happening. But we can learn to accept, receive, work with, navigate.

The trouble with these challenging thoughts and feelings is not that they arise, but that we react to them. We judge ourselves for judging. We expect ourselves to be perfect, then slam ourselves when we aren’t. We say, “Oh, not that feeling again.” Then we judge ourselves for even these reactions. We may wish to change, but all of this resistance keeps the patterns firmly in place.

There has to be another way.

What if… a judgment appears in your mind, and you say, “Oh, this,” and breathe into the pain you feel. That mean-spirited story about your co-worker starts spinning in your mind, and you feel compassion for yourself and for her. Your simmering anger starts to boil, and you feel the intensity without saying or doing anything.

You stop blaming yourself for thoughts and feelings that you cannot control, and you let them be.

Meet Yourself as You Are

The goal is not to eliminate your reactions – because this is impossible. Rather, recognize them, relax with them, pause, breathe, and then the most appropriate response is revealed. It’s so simple and such a relief. You stop fighting with yourself and instead notice your present experience. You intelligently go with the flow. And when you do, here’s what happens:

  • You are more at ease with things as they are.
  • Your attention is on your actual experience, so the mind chatter loses its power.
  • You are patient with yourself.
  • You feel compassion for yourself and others.
  • You give yourself permission to be as you are.
  • You stop blaming yourself for not changing.

Then do you change, or not? Wisdom will show you the way. Maybe change emerges organically as you realize that unrecognized pain is at the core of these ways of being you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you cease giving judging thoughts any weight because they don’t express your true heart. Maybe you discover that loving the tender places in you allows the feelings to ebb.

Be as you are, and all is at peace.

What are your thoughts about change? Have you succeeded at changing? Are you harsh with yourself because you can’t change? I’d love to hear…

Still wanting more? Click to learn about one-on-one sessions with me for personalized, insightful help.

A Valuable Life Lesson – The Story is Extra

father-reading-to-childrenNote: I so much enjoyed being interviewed recently by James Rick of Full Potential about habits that don’t serve us. James asked some great questions. You may want to click on over and have a listen.

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
~William Shakespeare

Several years ago, I ran into a friend who had just finished a one-month silent meditation retreat. When I asked about her experience, she pointed to her forehead and traced an imaginary label as she replied, “It’s written here. Now I know, the story is extra.”

I know exactly what she meant.  I used to live in stories. There was drama about what people should and shouldn’t have done. There were emotions spilling out everywhere based on these dramas. There was brooding, stewing, worrying, and gossiping.

Finally, I learned the transformative life lesson: The story is extra.

The Nature of Stories

A story is a series of thoughts strung together. It is a layer of mental activity that we place on the reality of what is happening. And here is where the trouble starts. When we inhabit our stories, we:

  • Judge
  • Analyze
  • Add meaning
  • Interpret
  • Project
  • Expect
  • Evaluate
  • Criticize

We view the world through the lens of our minds – our ideas about things, rather than the actual reality of things. And these stories rarely bring us peace. They divide the world into good and bad, should and shouldn’t. When we focus on our internal story-telling, we are setting ourselves up for unhappiness and turmoil.

Over and over, we tell ourselves we aren’t good enough or the past shouldn’t have happened the way it did or that someone we know should behave differently. When we resist reality, as it is, we feel frustrated and hopeless. These mental whirlwinds sap our energy and keep us stuck in a narrow perspective. They are a form of violence we do to ourselves. They alienate, divide, and hurt.

The Value of Letting Go

It is a revolutionary choice to let go of the story and see things as they are. But when you do, here is what is in store for you. How do I know? These are the benefits I have realized:

  • Moving past grudges and putting down old baggage from the past. When I stopped torturing myself with these stories, I was able to see things with fresh eyes. Forgiving and letting go became the obvious choice.
  • Well being. I feel calmer, happier, more relaxed, and less stressed.
  • Clarity. I realized the stories I was telling myself were just a small part of the whole reality of things. I was missing a lot. Letting go of stories led to deeper insights about my motivations and the intentions of others. My next step became crystal clear.
  • Easier problem solving. When I stopped trying to solve problems in my mind based on the stories, practical and creative solutions appeared effortlessly.
  • Better relationships. As I stopped believing stories I told myself about how other people should change, I brought less friction into my relationships.
  • Quiet mind. Once I stopped paying attention to the mental chatter, I began to experience a spacious, open, quiet mind.
  • Compassion. We always play the starring role in our stories. When I shifted my focus away from what I wanted and what I thought was right, compassion for others flooded in.

When our stories are activated, we are in a fight with reality. Reality is as it is, then we try to mold, change, or resist it, making our daily experience a very bumpy road. Relaxing into the flow of things smooths out the kinks. Without the stories, we are available to shift and respond as needed. The opposition of “no” turns into the surrender of “yes.”

Oh, This

I have learned a very valuable phrase: “Oh, this.” My plane is three hours late? Oh, this. My father ends up in the ICU with pneumonia? Oh, this. A client no-shows? Oh, this.

“Oh, this” is not about resignation or putting up with anything. It is an alive acceptance of circumstances without reservation.

I no longer put any stock in the stories that show up in my mind. They don’t serve, and they are essentially insubstantial and untrue. Not only do I accept reality, I relish it. I appreciate what happens, even if I don’t like it, and let my heart open over and over to things exactly as they are.

As Jesus said, “then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” I have discovered that the truth does set you free. When you abandon stories and welcome reality with no resistance, you meet this magnificent world just as it is in all its glory.

How about you? What stories do you tell yourself? What would happen if you let them go? I’d love to hear…

Still wanting more? Click to learn about one-on-one sessions with me for personalized, insightful help.

Note: This post was inspired by Abubakar Jamil‘s life lessons series, in which he invites bloggers to share what they have learned in life. Click on the life lessons link if you would like to read other bloggers’ posts.