Archives for June 2010

The Value of Being Empty

Milk jug

“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It’s just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”
~Paulo Coelho

We are so full these days. Have you noticed? Our lives are filled with work time, family time, social schedules, the daily upkeep of life, not to mention the inner busyness of plans, worries, fears, and self-judgments. Throw in some expectations, relationship concerns, grudges, and unexamined feelings. Phew! It’s a veritable jungle in there.

The Possibility of Emptiness

Just for a moment, think of yourself as looking out through a clear vessel. Nothing is in the way of seeing people and situations clearly. Your mind is quiet. You are no longer confused, no longer sidetracked by mental stories or strong emotions. Infinite wisdom moves through you without being blocked or ignored. Creativity has an open channel for expression. Your familiar idea of “you” dissolves into space.

This is the potential for all of us – to be open, present, and available, to live from inner intelligence, to be in harmony with life. In fact, this is our natural state. Consider for a moment – who were you before all the “stuff” got crammed in there? Who would you be without it?

The Clutter of a Full Vessel

Emptying out the vessel might leave us on unfamiliar ground. The contents are there for a reason – they protect us by organizing our perceptions of the world and providing a blueprint for what to expect and how to respond. But they also deter us from seeing things exactly as they are. When our vessel is full, we are looking through old patterns and belief systems that limit the information we are able to actually take in. No wonder we feel confused.

Early on in life, a friend of mine developed the tendency to act aggressively to get her needs met. She grew up in a home where if you did not fight for what you wanted, you were sure to lose out. She learned to be controlling and even manipulative in her interactions. When she looked through her vessel, she saw people as pawns to be conquered. She was determined to come out on top.

Although this way of being usually got her what she wanted by force, it left her feeling isolated and dissatisfied. Now, with a beautifully empty vessel, she is warm, openhearted, and happy. People feel moved to be close to her rather than wanting to escape her domination.

From Full to Empty

Maybe your vessel is so full that you cannot imagine it being empty. Or perhaps it contains only a few remaining remnants of clutter that block your view. Either way, if clear seeing and inner ease interest you, if you are ready to turn back toward yourself, consider emptying out your vessel. Here is how to proceed.

A Few Points About Emptiness

As we get started, take a moment to reflect on this essential truth: emptiness is our natural state. We have not always lived according to our personal patterns and viewpoints. Before they took hold, there was space, potential, limitless possibility. Remember?
Being empty invites us to befriend the unknown. Once we subtract expectations, “should’s,” and projections from the past or into the future, we realize how much we do not know. Here is where wonder and openness reside. And perhaps some fear. When old patterns fall away, it is normal to feel afraid about not knowing. Meet this fear lovingly.
Be careful not to confuse emptiness with boredom. Boredom feels flat and numb, whereas true emptiness is the capacity to be fully awake to each moment. When we empty out, we do experience less drama, a quieter mind, and a calmer emotional state. You might notice the loss of agitation that is familiar to you, and some people find this shift disorienting. As always, you have the option of deciding what you want, what you want your life to be about.
Be compassionate with yourself. Every moment of exploration and letting go is a moment of freedom. If your patterns reappear, forget the times you have examined them in the past, and be fresh with what is being asked for now.

Step by Step

As we explore the tangles of thoughts and feelings that cloud our vessel, stay connected with your intention. Long-standing habits have a momentum that defies their dissolution. For a shift to happen, the desire to look through an empty vessel needs to be stronger than the desire to stay with one filled with debris.

Take a look at what is obscuring your clear seeing. With the willingness to be honest with yourself, what patterns and tendencies are preventing you from feeling clear and at ease? What mental and emotional habits are distorting your view?

Now, put on your curious explorer’s hat, and inquire into whatever you discover.

You might notice a thought pattern that comes in the form of an expectation, memory, plan, hope, judgment, “should,” or inner criticism. Sometimes a thought is so familiar that we do not even think to question it. In the spirit of openness and exploration, similar to the process Byron Katie offers, ask yourself:

Is this thought true? Am I believing something that isn’t actually true?
How do I feel when I think this thought?
Could the opposite of this thought be just as true?

Next, explore feelings.

Notice how you react when reality fails to conform to an expectation you hold.
Notice how you feel when you are operating based on what you think you “should” be doing.
Invite in all the hurts, fears, and resentments to be seen, felt, and held lovingly. These are your long-lost children who have been waiting for your embrace. You might even be surprised at how easily they subside.

Eventually, bit by bit, we begin to feel clearer. We are no longer bogged down by the past. We notice just a little more happiness, joy, lightness, and ease. We realize there is no difference among the seeing, the vessel, and that which is seen. All is clarity, peace is omnipresent, and love flourishes endlessly.

How empty or full do you feel? What has helped you empty out? What has challenged you? What is your deepest intention? I’d love to hear…

End the Insanity by Forgiving Yourself

“Do as the heavens have done, forget your evil;
With them forgive yourself.”
~William Shakespeare

I gave a presentation recently to a support group for older women coping with chronic lung diseases such as emphysema. The symptoms that affect their daily lives include fatigue, shortness of breath, and wheezing. Some have pain, most need the support of oxygen at least part of the time. None of them will be cured.

I asked if they ever wonder, “Why me?” and one woman admitted that she ponders the opposite question: “How could I have done this to myself?”

As it turns out, all of these diseases are the result of smoking. These lovely women grew up before the dangers of cigarette smoke were widely known. They told me that everyone smoked. It was so common, they couldn’t imagine having made a different choice. And now they are dealing with the consequences.

Why Forgive Ourselves

This interaction got me thinking about the power of forgiving ourselves. We’ve talked before about how staying stuck in a grudge makes us a victim of our own thoughts and blocks the natural expression of the life force through us. Not forgiving ourselves has the same effect. When we are caught in self-blame, we are blatantly unaccepting of our current life situation. We live in an unhappy story that keeps us bound and limited.

When we forgive ourselves, we remove the chains from the past which allows us to live freely in the present. We decide to stop repeating rueful and blaming thoughts in our minds like a broken record. We step off the wheel of suffering and discover an unlimited reservoir of wisdom and a huge capacity to proactively respond to what is in front of us. This is the pay-off that makes letting go the most intelligent choice.

Learn the Lessons

The companions of self-blame are some very uncomfortable emotions: guilt, shame, and regret. These can fester like an irritating wound that won’t heal and keep us suffocating under a blanket of negativity. They perpetuate a state of inner war and cause us to persecute ourselves unendingly. The decision to forgive ourselves releases us from the prison of these feelings. We discover that not only can we feel good, but that freedom and inner ease are our natural state, our birthright.

When tended to wisely, these feelings may contain a valuable lesson that we miss by staying in the rut of experiencing them over and over. When we welcome them in as friendly visitors and explore them with an open heart and mind, we can authentically ask, “What can I learn?” We gain perspective that guides our behavior from this point forward. We realize compassion for everyone, us included, who has made choices that have brought pain to themselves and others.

Transform the Contents of Your Mind

When our thoughts are caught in an endless loop of self-blame, the past, long gone, is kept alive in our thoughts. This is the funny thing, and the golden opportunity, about holding onto old baggage. The events themselves are over, yet we suffer because we repeat the story of them in our minds. We cannot control what happened in the past, but we can transform how we relate to the contents of our minds right now. In any moment, we can:

Stop,
Open,
Observe,
Investigate,
Explore,
Befriend,
Love, or
Move our attention elsewhere.

We can let the waves of our thoughts release back into the ocean.

Choosing Life

When we stop blaming ourselves for events of the past, miracles happen. Edges dissolve in our minds and hearts, leaving the space for wise responding, effective coping, and creative problem-solving. We are available to life, fully capable of receiving love and joyfully giving it away in all directions.

Having a chronic lung disease is a proving ground for sure. It is easy to sink into isolation, despair, and self-blame. Yet the women I met were true inspirations. Each day they choose to take the high road, to live in the “Yes!” and not the “No.” They expressed their fears and spoke about their trying moments, but their commitment to live their fullest lives was undeniable.

All of us face challenges. We contend with ways in which we are not completely at peace. We blame ourselves to no good end. And it brings me to my knees to realize that in every moment we have a choice – to suffer or to be free of suffering, to be weighed down by the past or to be fully alive now, to blame ourselves or open our hearts endlessly.

What do you choose?

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It’s Not Too Late for a Thorough Spring Cleaning

“The winds of grace are always blowing, but it is you who must raise your sails.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

I love spring. I grew up in the northeast and was continually enthralled with the bounty of life that would begin to appear as the weather started to shift. The first robin, the crocuses pushing their way into the sun – awe-inspiring signs of growth and renewal. Spring is an exciting time where we feel the potential of the unknown ahead of us overflowing with possibility.

I now live in an area that was ravaged by fires last year, and this spring the wildflowers are stunning. Life is so enormously abundant – it can’t help but blossom endlessly.

If we let it.

Since summer arrives in a week or so, it’s not too late to start our inner spring cleaning. Time to dust away the cobwebs and clear the path for life to express itself through us – wondrously fresh, infinitely creative, clear, alive, open. Can we generously give ourselves the gifts of inward exploration and quiet contemplation? Consider the following three essential questions.

Is your life on track?

First, reflect on what you really want your life to be about. What is important to you? What are your values and priorities? What is your heart’s desire?

Now, take a look at your actual life – how you spend your time, what you think about, who you associate with, how you spend money, your overall level of happiness.

Notice any area of your life that is asking for your kind attention?

How are you getting in your own way?

Perhaps, when we are honest with ourselves, we know that we play out habits and compulsions that don’t serve us. What do we get out of perpetuating them? Maybe they keep us safe or protect us from facing an uncomfortable feeling or situation. Maybe shining the light on a stale pattern would bring great change to our lives that we don’t think we are ready for.

Holding on to these hidden places blocks the flow of life. They keep us living in the world of “no,” unable to receive the riches being offered to us in every moment. And examining them invites us to surrender control so we can fully live.

Is it time to get out of your way so you can be available to what life has in store for you? What would that mean for you – letting go of a relationship, a job, a pattern of thinking, an unhealthy behavior?

What old hurts need to be healed?

Living in the past is not really living. Clinging to an old grievance consumes our thoughts and hijacks our potential. If you take things personally, if you have trouble getting started in life, if you think you need to defend yourself because the world is out to get you, consider befriending that painful place inside you. Not doing so is like staying in prison when the key is in your pocket.

When we turn away from our own experience, we continue to be victims of it. We are propelled this way and that by our unexplored stories and the feelings that underlie them. The decision to turn our attention directly into our own experiences of the pain begins the healing.

As we learn to lovingly care for the tender parts of ourselves, the neediness and sorrow dissolve. We realize that what we think we lack has been here all along.

Clean with Care

I know you know this by now: no one is coming to save you. The quality of our lives is up to us alone. We can accept “good enough,” or we can drill down deeper. Take every dust ball, every smudge on the window. Love it, thank it, and walk away. Clean house like there is no tomorrow. Be in harmony with the way things are, and allow life to show you the way.

In what areas does your life need spring cleaning? Do you notice any resistance to looking into the hard places? I’d love to hear…

Caught by a Pesky Habit? Try Surfing!

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”
~Eckhart Tolle

Anyone trying to let go of a habit will tell you how hard it is. No matter how pure our intentions, the drive to continue the tendency can be strong enough to derail us before we know it.

I love brilliant ideas, and I recently came across one called “urge surfing.” Alan Marlatt is a psychologist who for decades has researched treatments for addictions. His findings have helped thousands of people, and this time I think he has nailed it.

All Compulsive Behaviors Are Addictions

Dr. Marlatt’s research has focused on what we commonly think of as addictions, such as drinking and smoking. But I find it useful to view any seemingly uncontrollable tendency as an addiction. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines addiction as “a persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”

Substitute for “substance” any habit that has us hooked, and we begin to see the power of these tendencies.

Take self-critical thinking as an example. The inner critic can be persistent and compulsive, and we know it doesn’t serve us. Likewise, procrastination, fearful, limited beliefs, holding a grudge, busyness, or being continually triggered by someone who annoys us. Any pattern or behavior that perpetuates unconsciously is ultimately hurtful. It leaves us stuck and confused – with happiness and peace out of reach.

Know Your Urges

Enter urge surfing. When we break down a habit, we see that what precedes the enacting of the habit is an urge. What do urges do? They come and go. There is a beginning, a middle, and, most importantly, an end. If we want to surf the urge, we must first learn to recognize it – challenging because it is so uncomfortable. Then, we open our minds and hearts to follow it through to its conclusion, to our ultimate liberation.

We might define an urge as an impulse or itch, but looking more deeply, we discover the direct experience of emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations. It looks like this:

Emotion: fear, lack, desperation, emptiness, hysteria
Thoughts: I need…, I can’t stand…, I’m going to go crazy if I don’t…, I’m going to explode if I don’t…, I can’t see any other way…
Strong physical sensations: tension, vibration, tied up in knots

Sound familiar? If not, illuminate the urge by allowing your attention to backtrack to the moment just prior to the troublesome behavior. Here you will find the treasure that can set you free.

Going Surfing

Now that we’ve caught the wave, let’s surf. Dr. Marlatt uses the acronym SOBER.

S means stop. Don’t move. Don’t take one more step. Don’t move your attention into one more thought.
O is for observe. First, notice your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as they are appearing in the moment. Now, open up to receive them. Let yourself experience them fully, with no distance between you and these arisings. Have great compassion for yourself and the pain you might be feeling.
B refers to breath. Focus on your breathing, inhaling and exhaling, as the urge moves through.
E means expand. Dr. Marlatt suggests that we expand our awareness to consider the consequences if we act on the urge. How would you feel? How would you and others be affected?
With R, we respond mindfully (and wisely). We have made it through with enough awareness to ask ourselves, “What do I really want?” and we can respond accordingly. By the time you reach R, you are out of the grip of the craving. You are back, here, alive, available, conscious.

Celebrate!

May I add another step? Let’s call it SOBER-C, where C means celebrate. Take a moment to feel the freedom in your body, mind, and heart. Experience the release. And know that every single time you surf the urge, no matter how many times it takes, the pattern has less of a hold on you.

Open to your inner world, invite your habits to dissolve, and you can’t help but shine brilliantly for all the world to see.

What have you found helpful in letting go of habits? What have been your challenges? I’d love to hear…

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Still Attached? How to Have an Open Mind

Note to readers: I want to take a moment and let you know how much I deeply appreciate every one of you. Each week, I am blown away by your comments – your thoughtfulness, your good intentions, your willingness to face the hard questions in your lives and celebrate your insights and realizations. Each person’s comment is a source of inspiration to everyone else who reads it. We are a true community, joined heart to heart. Thank you.

“You must choose between your attachments and happiness.”
~Adyashanti

I am not a barfly, but I was enjoying a happy hour drink last week in a lively establishment. My companion struck up a conversation with the woman sitting next to him, and it was amazing to see what happened. Somehow they got on the topic of health care, and you could see her whole demeanor change. Her eyes went steely, her mouth tight, and she went off on the ills of the health care system. Obviously, he had hit a chord in her.

I saw right before me the power of holding a strong opinion. I can only imagine what it felt like to be her in that moment.

Are Your Views Making You Suffer?

In the last two posts, we have been exploring this most essential topic of attachment. First, we saw how attachment has to do with clinging to expectations of how we want things to be. Then, we went directly into the core of the experience of attachment to befriend the underlying fear and loss. Today, we explore attachment to views, beliefs, judgments, and opinions.

Not that there is anything wrong with being attached to our views. My interest always is in happiness and freedom. If your views bring you happiness, then there is no reason to question them. But if the attachment to a certain way of thinking leaves you scared, stressed, irritated, or tense, then you are faced with a choice: hold on to your views or question them.

For most of us, our views, beliefs, judgments, and opinions run deep. Some of them are so subtle that we don’t even know they exist – until they are confronted. I will never forget the first time I arrived in Kathmandu, also my first time in Asia. For those initial hours, I was completely overwhelmed, almost unable to take in the sights, smells, and sounds that were so different from anything I had ever experienced. Prior to that time, I had no idea how entrenched some of my beliefs were.

We saw in the last post that attachment is about being bound and tied to. When we are attached to ideas, our minds are sticky. We are looking at the world through a filter that judges experience as good or bad, acceptable or not. We bring our inner edges to the flow of life that is happening regardless of our beliefs about it. And it simply doesn’t feel very good.

The Choice to Let Go

Maybe you realize that some of your views don’t serve you. They cause separation, unhappiness, and inner division. Even so, we hold on tight, not really wanting to relinquish these treasured concepts that define our reality. Maybe you think the oil spill shouldn’t have happened or that terrorists should know better.

Instead, can you let your heart break with the outrage and sorrow that is driving these views.

If your sense of dissatisfaction is great enough, if you long for lasting happiness, if you know in your heart that these beliefs don’t bring you peace, then you are ready for an authentic exploration of them.

Happiness is Not in the Thinking Mind

All of these ideas – beliefs, judgments, views, opinions, expectations – are products of the thinking mind. When we take them to be true, we are clamping down on the free flow of life. We could certainly investigate each one and discover that we are believing something that is not absolutely true, that each contains a fallacy and an equally plausible alternative.

But why not take the short cut?

Freedom cannot be found in the thinking mind. It cannot be figured out or analyzed. Anything we think is ultimately not going to take us to happiness. More thoughts, more belief systems – more thinking.

True Openness

If happiness cannot be found in our thoughts, where is it? In a completely open mind, in a mind that doesn’t cling or grasp, in a mind so relaxed and spacious that no effort is expended to think, judge, or believe. This unattached mind is totally aligned with reality. It knows no limits and excludes nothing. It is friendly, loving, and benign.

In a mind this open, beliefs, views, and opinions are like clouds in a vast sky; hoping, wishing, and expecting just dots on a panoramic landscape.

Imagine for a moment that you were not at all attached to any views or beliefs. You don’t presume anything will be a certain way. You don’t define yourself or others by any constructs. Opinions or judgments might float into your mind, but they appear and disappear effortlessly. Can you get a sense of this degree of openness? So expansive. Anything could happen, and you receive rather than react. Your heart overflows as separation comes to an end.

If you give yourself a rest and relax away from thinking, just for a moment, here are some things you might notice:

A feeling of expansion
Lightness
An open, tingly feeling in your heart
Peaceful
A sense of well being

In an open mind, there is no resistance to anything, nothing is out of order, nothing inappropriate or wrong. Thoughts are seen, but we don’t attach to them. They come and go of their own accord and they are not a problem when they arrive.

This is the possibility for all of us: to realize that the views, opinions, beliefs, stories we take to be true are simply phenomena that arise and pass on. Do you want to be happy? Allow your mind-heart to open endlessly.

What views do you hold closely? What does it feel like? What is it like to try to let go of beliefs and views we take for granted? I’d love to hear…