Archives for May 2010

The Secret Path to Finding Freedom from Our Attachments

“Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.”
~Oscar Wilde

So many heartfelt comments to the last post about attachment. Thank you, all.

And what a tender topic. Who among us doesn’t struggle with attachment? The holding on can be so strong, the need to have things just as we want them so overpowering. If attachment appears, we have a choice: let it control our lives or allow it to lead us on an inner journey of self-exploration. I imagine you know what I choose, so let’s peel the onion of attachment just a little more to see what we discover.

The Mechanics of Attachment

Attachment is all about being tied up and constrained. According to dictionary.com, it is “a feeling (emphasis added) that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like.” Other definitions describe this feeling as affection or fondness. Now, I am all in favor of affection or fondness, but when readers commented about their struggles with attachment to material possessions or their children or what other people should do, something else must be at play.

And that “something else” is fear. When we are attached, we are absolutely terrified of not being in control and of being without what we think we have. If things don’t go as we want them to, if we lose the things and people that support our identities, if we really let go of viewpoints that don’t serve us, then we are stepping out into the unknown. Instead of addressing this fear, we clamp down on ourselves and the people around us, wanting everything to stay just as it is.

Attachment and Survival

The roots of attachment run deep, and it is all about survival. As young ones, we need to attach to the people around us to get our needs met. And who doesn’t melt seeing a mother duck with her brood.

The thing is, as wonderful as survival is, being attached to it is bound to cause suffering. Because no matter how hard we try, all life forms are created with an expiration date. To state the obvious, no one has made it out of here alive.

We start by being attached to survival, to those who make our survival possible, and it continues from there. We experience a great comfort with the known and the familiar and begin to fear letting go into what we cannot know or control.

Contemplating Loss and Meeting Fear

Take attachment to possessions as an example. I have a lovely Nepali friend who came to the US with nothing and was eventually able to realize his dream of buying a home. Now he is faced with possible foreclosure, and he is desperate. He is terrified of watching everything he worked for disappear before his eyes.

What he has done is nothing short of amazing, and it has been an honor to witness his journey. But somehow his home has turned into an identity, and he fears facing the loss and whatever may come as a result. I cannot see how this attachment to his home has served him – except if he chooses to investigate it.

Whatever we are attached to – children, partners, our health, success, our identities, life itself – all of it deserves exploration if we want to know peace. Playing the “what if” game can be useful. Here are the instructions:

Bring to mind something you fear losing.
Imagine the loss as realistically as you can.
Welcome whatever feelings arise and meet them with a full and loving heart.

I make a practice of this “game.” I have gone around my home, taking in all the things I enjoy and appreciate, saying, “What if this went?” I have contemplated the people I love, and considered their loss. I have imagined myself homeless, alone, and in a wheelchair. This hasn’t been easy, but meeting these fears and sorrows directly has revealed so much peace.

The unexamined fear fuels the mind with all sorts of terrifying thoughts. We scare ourselves and don’t even realize we are doing it. The truth is I have no idea what is going to happen if any of those losses actually occurs. And I have no idea how I am going to respond. Something beyond my wildest dreams could happen.

These scary thoughts are like the boogie man in the closet – they don’t have much validity or substance. When I move my attention to what is driving the thoughts, the fear is seen just as sensation, as energy. When anything is possible without restriction, nothing arrives – or departs – unexpectedly.

Investigating our attachments opens the path to a life that is authentic and real. If we bring our fears out of the shadows with a willingness to befriend them, if we contemplate the dissolution of everything we know, the heart can’t help but sing a song of gratitude. Everything could go, but reality remains – this moment – fresh, alive, and overflowing.

image credit ducklings

New Guest Post

Hi Everyone,

If feeling inadequate is a trap for you, you might want to take a look at the guest post I have up on GoodLife Zen. It’s called, “Feeling Inadequate? How to Turn Lack into Love” and describes a healing practice for anyone who thinks they are not good enough.

My regular Tuesday post for this week on A Flourishing Life is called, “Attachment and the Art of Letting Go.” There’s been a lively, beautifully heartfelt discussion going on you may want to take a look at.

Enjoy!

Love,
Gail

Attachment and The Art of Letting Go

newsstory “Non-attachment is not the elimination of desire. It is the spaciousness to allow any quality of mind, any thought or feeling, to arise without closing around it, without eliminating the pure witness of being. It is an active receptivity to life.”
Stephen Levine

Some time ago, I was speaking to a charming 92-year-old woman who was in a nursing home following a fall and faced with the probability of never returning to the home she had lived in for decades. When I asked her how she felt about this transition, with quiet strength she responded, “I’m not attached.”

She proceeded to tell me that as a young girl, following the death of her mother, she learned that being attached brought her suffering and being open to the comings and goings of life brought a sense of ease. This understanding enabled her to live life to the fullest – she had many wonderful adventures – as she was no longer afraid of what she could lose or gain. She has lived in true acceptance, and her sense of peace is palpable.

The Essence of Attachment

What does it mean to be attached? As we investigate closely, it seems to have to do with expectations. When we are attached to something – or someone – we want or need or long for circumstances to be a certain way. We want our partner to stay with us forever (or we want one to appear), we don’t want our children to grow up, we want our bodies to magically resist the reality of aging, we certainly don’t want tragedy to strike. We want things to be different, or we want them to stay the same.

Attachment carries with it the side effect of resistance. If we are attached to circumstances being a certain way, and they don’t match our wishes, we resist what is happening. Resistance looks like this: another lovely woman I know who is 88, losing her sight, barely able to walk across the room due to a failing heart, spending her days in despair wishing for her life to be the way it once was. She is attached to wanting things a certain way and is greatly resisting her present circumstances. And she is suffering tremendously.

The Reality of Life Unfolding

The truth is no matter what we want, the events of life happen, sometimes matching our desires, and sometimes not. So the question becomes: how do we meet the moments of our lives? We may not be able to control what happens, but we have the opportunity to choose how we respond.

So, consider asking yourself:

Am I weighed down by hopes and expectations?
Am I resisting what is actually here?

It all boils down to a simple truth: resistance brings suffering; acceptance and openness bring ease. We stop the inner war, and choose peace instead.

Letting go of attachment means receiving what is happening, without resisting. We hold our desires very lightly and stay open to what actually occurs. Even if it is the last thing we would ever want to happen.

There is nothing inherently wrong with being attached. But if we want peace, if we want to truly enjoy the moments of our lives, can we surrender into reality, as it is? Can we say, “Yes!” with an open heart capable of holding it all?

Is there any area of your life in which you are attached? How does being attached affect you and those around you? What do you imagine non-attachment would be like?

For another resource on attachment, please click here.

image: myklroventine

Forgiveness: The First Crucial Step

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“Of course, anger can always be justified. But then, so can forgiveness. It all depends on how much more you want from the adventure.”
~Mike Dooley

Everybody needs to relax, right? Well, that is why I do crossword puzzles. The other day I came across the clue for a 6-letter word meaning “something you hold or nurse.” The answer? Grudge.

This clue offers a recipe for how to keep a grudge – you hold on tight, you feed and nourish it so it stays lodged in your mind. And what are we cherishing so dearly? As the dictionary defines it, “a feeling of ill will or resentment.”

To anyone out there still holding a grudge, is this what you really want?

Why Let Go

Freeing ourselves from the web of a grudge needs to be approached with care. People are capable of doing some pretty nasty things, and maybe you have been the target of some of them. If so, I am truly sorry for the pain you experience. But now the question to consider is: have you suffered enough? Does it serve you to hold onto the story of what happened or do you want to be free of it?

As you reflect on this question, here are some facts to consider:

Forgiveness is about us and our peace of mind; it is not about the other person.
The person who benefits most from forgiving is us, by far.
Forgiving does not condone or excuse someone else’s bad behavior.
We cannot change the past or others’ behavior; we can shift our thoughts and feelings about what happened.
We can let go without an apology.
Forgiveness lowers stress, decreases blood pressure and heart rate, and enhances positive thoughts and feelings.

Just as forgiving benefits us, not forgiving perpetuates our suffering. When we are caught by a grudge, here is what happens:

We think about the tragic story of what occurred – sometimes a lot.
We justify continuing to hold the grudge by reminding ourselves, over and over, how awful the other’s behavior was.
We feel angry and sad.
There is often a rift in our relationships.

Letting go of all of this is a return to wholeness and relaxation. We stop expending energy trying to protect ourselves. We take a huge weight out of our minds, hearts, and bodies.

Consciously Choosing to Let Go

The first crucial step in letting go of a grudge is to turn our attention to our own thoughts and feelings. Incessantly repeating the story of what happened distracts us from our inner experience and keeps the grudge in place. The medicine is to open our hearts to ourselves and tenderly embrace all of the hurt and pain. As we learn to care for ourselves, the focus on the bitter and resentful thoughts and feelings diminishes.

Shifting our attention doesn’t happen by magic. It takes our conscious commitment to the intention to heal ourselves, no matter what. It is a decision we make for our own well being. It’s the same as choosing an apple over a doughnut – we consciously decide to move in the direction of helpful rather than hurtful.

When you look inside yourself, are you ready? I know you can find the brittle story of what happened, but can you also connect with the part of you that is fed up with feeling bad? When we desire freedom, more than anything, we are ready for true healing.

Caring for Our Tender Feelings

With an open and accepting heart, the forgiveness inquiry begins by asking, “What am I actually feeling in this moment?” Be curious about what you discover: maybe sadness, anger, or fear, or the stronger feelings of sorrow, fury, or terror. You might notice physical tension or a sense of feeling stuck in different areas of the body.

In the spirit of cultivating inner peace and happiness, allow these experiences to be received fully by you. Saying, “Yes!” to each one, brings the liberation you are longing for. No longer hidden and festering, they are fully welcomed into the light of your attention.

As we are all well aware, the thoughts associated with a grudge have the power of a freight train barreling down the tracks. We cannot control their arrival, but we can control how much attention we give them. Our job is to look underneath the thoughts to reconnect with our tender feelings, over and over.

Odd as it may sound, we don’t try to let go. When we refuse to give the story our attention and we care so lovingly for those most vulnerable places inside of us, the letting go happens. We notice feeling lighter, having more energy, smiling more, being kinder to others.

Returning to Wholeness

Goodness and love are our nature. As soon as these essential qualities have a portal, they can’t help but express themselves. Holding a grudge pushes aside our essence, our very life force, in favor of misery and separation. When we light up our dark secrets with love and understanding, peace beyond peace is revealed.

Do you want to forgive but feel stuck in the process? What has helped you to let go? I’d love to hear. Everyone benefits from the challenges and revelations you share.

image credit: atoach

The Good News About Limiting Beliefs

newspaper
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
~African proverb

In the last post, we saw that when we tell the truth about our challenging relationships, the only solution is to look within. Where previously we might have blamed or criticized another, we discovered that the true source of the problem is our own unexamined thoughts and feelings. When we are willing to explore these unresolved places in ourselves, we stop projecting them onto others. We stop wanting others to change so we feel better. We accept the fundamental reality of people and situations and respond accordingly.

This approach potentially shifts the whole dynamic of a relationship. Friction fades to freedom; resistance to wise responding.

The Tragic Effect of Not Embracing Feelings

However, the desire to look within is extremely rare. Very few people are interested in inner reflection, in taking responsibility for their contribution to their own unhappiness. Projection runs rampant in everyday life, with the vast majority of beings on the planet wanting others to change so they can avoid feeling their own pain. It is at the root of wars between nations as well as conflicts in our communities and struggles in our homes.

Most people in the world do not want to be honest with themselves. And we have probably encountered some of them in our own lives.

What happens when we are the object of other people’s unexamined pain? Say you were raised by parents who could not meet their own sadness or fear. Maybe you had a teacher or sibling or neighbor who was ruled by a need to avoid their own distressing feelings.

Even though unintentional, you might have been the object of someone’s:

Blaming
Judging
Criticizing
Abandoning
Demanding
Ignoring
Manipulating
Intruding

How did that affect you? Because of how others treated you, you may have concluded that you are unworthy, lacking, needing to prove yourself or please others to deserve love. You may believe that success and fulfillment are for other people, not you. You may speak to yourself with a very harsh voice.

As Always, the Way Out

Well, here is the good news: it is so important to realize that how you were treated had very little to do with you. The person who could not give you what you needed was unable to tend to their own painful emotions. What happens when people hide from their inner strife? They engage in all manner of avoidance strategies, some of which have an impact on those closest to them.

Significant people in your life may not have really wanted you to suffer by this treatment, and you didn’t really want to let it define you. Both of you were unaware of what was happening and both ill-equipped to handle it wisely.

Divest Yourself of Limiting Beliefs

The beliefs you hold about yourself? They seem true, but they are erroneous conclusions based on others’ misguided behavior. When to unwind them? How about now.

Bring to mind a belief or mindset that holds you back in life.
Reflect on how that belief developed. How were you treated that led you to conclude that you are damaged, incapable, or less than whole?
Now, enter the world of the person you were in relationship with. What do you imagine he or she was actually feeling – scared, overwhelmed, incompetent, angry, filled with unexpressed sorrow? Can you see that this person was unable, or unwilling, to embrace these uncomfortable feelings?
Reflect on the fact that the pressure of these feelings fueled their less-than-supportive behavior toward you, leading you to make distorted – and untrue – assumptions about yourself.

As part of my training to be a therapist, I had a session in family sculpting. I chose fellow interns in our group to play the roles of people in my family, and I gave them a scene to enact. Now, my mother can be a formidable character. But through this play, I became privy to unexplored frustration, sadness, and fear I never imagined she could have been feeling. I felt so relieved not to have to carry the effects of it any longer.

The legacy of unconsciousness continues in families – until it stops. Like tumbling dominoes, one person denies their pain, which impacts those around them, and so on through the generations. You may have absorbed this tragic bequest, but you also hold the key to unlock yourself from the prison of these beliefs.

Living Consciously = Clarity, Light, Ease

As we saw last week, you can lovingly welcome all parts of yourself into awareness and thereby put an end to your role in emotional and relationship drama. And, with the light of clear seeing, you can shed unproductive and demeaning identities that have nothing to do with your brilliant essence. Regarding all of the insanity, the buck stops with you.

What happens next? Enjoy your life. If gratitude wells up, let it consume you. Live from your heart, and be the light of truth and clarity in this crazy world we live in.

What have been your insights about limiting beliefs you hold about yourself? What do you experience when you look objectively at what really happened in your past? Any other thoughts? I’d love to hear….

image credit: inju