Archives for November 2009

6 Heart-Centered Communication Tools to Strengthen Your Relationships

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“The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety.”
Erich Fromm

Communication is all about the heart. No matter how serious the conversation or the stakes involved, we want to connect, to understand, and be understood. A successful communication is so fulfilling because the separation between ourselves and the person we are speaking with softens or disappears entirely. We feel closer, more intimate, calmer, and less isolated. Who doesn’t want to communicate better?

We all can benefit from restocking our communication toolbox now and then. When we improve our communication, everybody wins. Bring these heart-centered skills into the center of your life. Everyone you know will thank you for it.

1. Use your powers of observation.

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”
Yogi Berra

Improving communication is all about becoming more mindful. Start by observing your conversation partner. Notice the distance between you, eye movements, skin tone changes, arm and hand movements, tone of voice, pace of speaking. You are certain to discover something you’ve never noticed before.

Just a few days ago, I was interacting with someone I didn’t know very well. I asked a question, and saw her skin turn pale and her eyes look down. I knew something had shifted and soon discovered I had inadvertently touched a very sore spot.

What to do with the information you glean? Use it to stay in rapport with your partner. If the person you are speaking with is hesitating, wait before jumping in. If emotion is beginning to show, be empathic. If your goal is to stay connected and take the conversation deeper, your observations will guide you, as people can’t help but express themselves in a multitude of ways. See your partner with fresh eyes and you are sure to reach a new level of connection.

2. Listen with an open mind and heart.

“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
M. Scott Peck

Listening is the secret key to effective communication. Listen well by paying attention to the meaning of the words and the feelings and needs being expressed. If you cannot say back what you hear, ask questions for clarification. Keep at it until you understand everything that is being said.

Experiment with seeing how receptive and open you can be. If you are aware of anything interfering with your ability to listen openly, such as an agenda or an urge to criticize or interrupt, own it rather than project it onto the other person by saying something you are likely to regret. Be accepting of your internal reactions and needs, but keep a clear mind so you can really listen to the other person.

If you notice your attention wandering, reconnect with the interaction by engaging your powers of observation and by listening to what really matters to the person.

3. Ask questions.

“We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.”
Herman Melville

People love knowing that others are interested in them, so be curious about what is being said by asking questions. As more is revealed, your connection with each other naturally deepens. And like an explorer, you will learn something new as you enter uncharted territory. Here are some suggestions: how do/did you feel…what was your reaction…what was important to you about that…how was that for you.

One of my favorite questions to ask is, “Anything else?” After someone has expressed their concerns or needs, asking if there is anything else communicates your intention to really take on board all of what they wish to express. It helps people to feel satisfied with the interaction, and you just might hear the most important point.

4. Press the pause button.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
The Buddha

When you feel emotions of anger and frustration rising up, press the pause button. We all have said things in the heat of the moment that didn’t serve the interaction. During a difficult conversation, try to keep about 10 percent of your attention, or more if necessary, on your inner reactions. If you start moving from a simmer to a boil, press the pause button. Then you have some options.

First, take care of yourself by acknowledging that the moment is challenging, taking a conscious breath, and accepting your feelings. Then try approaching the conversation from a different angle, asking a question, focusing on listening, sharing how you are feeling without blaming, or any other (constructive) possibility that comes to mind. If you need to take a break, do so and continue the conversation when you are calmer.

5. Beware of expectations.

“The healthy mind challenges its own assumptions.”
The I Ching

Have you ever had the same problematic conversation over and over? If so, your heart is almost certainly closed to this person. You are probably approaching the interaction with an expectation of how it will go, which ultimately turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. An expectation keeps the interaction in a rut before it even starts. Recognize that you are not seeing the other person clearly – you are viewing them through the veil of your expectation.

The solution? Put your predictions aside and show up with a fresh, clear mind. Imagine this is the first time this interaction ever occurred. Redouble your efforts to observe and listen, and be open to the possibility of new insights and outcomes.

6. Express appreciation.

“Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver, and this connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging.”
Deepak Chopra

We can never express too much appreciation. Why not send more love out into the world? You can do it with good communication. Step out of your comfort zone to offer a compliment, voice your thanks, share a hug, speak genuinely about what you appreciate. Consider people you see frequently and might take for granted – co-workers, family members, the person who serves you coffee or rides the same bus. How can you connect with them by opening your heart just a little more?

Communication from the heart dissolves boundaries and heals division. When we are open to seeing the other as is and listening deeply, we truly meet as one.

A Love Letter

love stamp I love the unexpected – and I never expected to love blogging as much as I do.

A Flourishing Life went live in mid-August. Since then 1102 people from 65 countries have visited the site, and at last count, there were 199 subscribers. I can’t tell you the thrill I feel when I see that a post has been translated into Polish or when I receive an incredibly heartfelt comment or email from someone in India, Malaysia, or Switzerland.

I love knowing that there is a community of people out there desiring freedom from habits that weigh us down and beliefs that keep us from realizing our full potential. Whether you are on fire for the truth or just capturing the spark, I feel your presence, and I totally appreciate every single one of you.

I write about topics that I am impassioned about. For me, being happy is not just a desire or an occasional high that allows me to merely tolerate the difficult times. I absolutely know that peace is available in every moment, and my commitment is to live in this truth.

As I have let go of everything personal, including limiting beliefs about what is possible and old, painful stories I used to tell myself repeatedly, life has opened up in unimaginable ways – beauty, happiness, an amazing relationship, so much love and creative energy. I used to fool myself into believing I was wounded and lacking. Gratefully, I have seen through these trances to realize that our radiance is sitting here, patiently waiting for the veils to lift, so we can shine in infinite expression.

And I am overjoyed to have you along on this journey.

The Words of Our Masters

As a dedicated student, always open to greater depths of understanding, I appreciate the words of masters in all forms who motivate and inspire us. I have compiled a short list of my favorite quotes, some from beautiful books of poetry, which I am delighted to share with you. Let the meaning of each one wash over you, sink into your being, and saturate your heart.

In love and gratitude,
Gail

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?
Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

~Rumi, 13th century Sufi mystic

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Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it’s dark.

~Zen Proverb
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We have come into this exquisite world to experience ever and ever more deeply our divine courage, freedom and light!

~Hafiz, 14th century Persian poet
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For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupery, author, The Little Prince
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Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

~Kahlil Gibran, author The Prophet
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There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.

~Martha Graham, American choreographer
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I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.

~Hafiz
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The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.

~Thich Nhat Hanh, Buddhist monk
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The only journey is the journey within.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, 20th century German poet
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There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.

~Buckminster Fuller, American architect
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You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.

~Nietzche, 19th century German philosopher
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And a poem by Rumi…

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

The Warrior’s Way to Inner Peace: Part 3 – Living in Peace

happy gardener In parts one and two of this series, we examined what inner peace actually means and the qualities of the warrior that are necessary to discover peace. In this post, we explore the nuts and bolts of how to actually live in peace. Inner peace sounds great, and we love it when it pervades our lives, but how can it be sustainable and enduring? In other words, you might be wondering, “Is my lot in life to experience peace, have it disappear, then hope it returns at some point in the future?”

Inner peace is always, always, always possible. It is what is here and available when everything else falls away. What disturbs our sense of peace is the belief that what is actually happening should be different. We believe that the emotion we are experiencing or the life circumstance that is present is somehow wrong. We want to dismiss it, deny it, and have it dissipate entirely. I call this resistance, and it is a description of the inner war.

Living in peace is not about having the right situations or people or reactions in our lives. It is about this, reality as it is, the now, presence. Any manipulations of the mind interfere with peace. When we interpret, justify, explain, analyze, fantasize, engage in wishful thinking about what is happening, we are resisting it. When we let go of the functions of the mind, we can see things as they are.

Very Important Point #1

There is nothing inherently disturbing about an emotion, a thought, a physical sensation – anything we experience. The trouble comes when we think it shouldn’t be as it is. If what you want is for your unpleasant experiences to disappear, you are resisting them.

When someone says, “I tried it, and it didn’t work,” what I hear is a person who is expecting their uncomfortable experiences to disappear. “Didn’t work” means they don’t feel better.

The essential question is: Do you want to feel better or do you want to know the truth? If you want to feel better by banishing the unpleasant experiences, this resistance only empowers them. They lose their charge only when you welcome them in as is without wanting them to change.

This includes resistance. If resistance is present, resistance is what is here to be welcomed. (Hint: See if fear is the force behind it.)

The tricky part is: when you truly accept your experience as is, you very well might feel better. But you feel better not because you wanted the challenging experiences to go away. You feel better because you stopped resisting them and welcomed them in unconditionally.

When you become this comfortable with any experience that arises, anything can happen, and you are at peace with it. See how it works?

Peace is Ordinary

Perhaps you have tasted the experience of deep peace. A few months ago, I wrote an article on The Change Blog called, “You Are Already Whole,” in which I described how these unexpected moments of peace appear in our daily lives. Maybe you will recognize these:

Being caught up in the flow of an enjoyable experience
Laughing uncontrollably
At the moment of orgasm
A second or two of happiness that wells up from nowhere
A feeling of peace or bliss when in nature.

Peace is here, available, even ordinary. When we meet all our experiences in love and acceptance, everything they once fueled loses steam. The dramas fed by self-righteousness dissolve; the worry and self-doubt fed by fear no longer have a leg to stand on. When jealousy, loneliness, rage are all seen fully as is, the stories they support crumble.

What remains is the unnameable – consciousness, peace, happiness, expansiveness, love. It is that which exists prior to any emotional triggers, worries, or irritating habits. It is aware, alive, fresh, and undisturbed…so close it can’t be seen or thought about. It is revealed to be who you are.

Very Important Point #2

Peace is discovered only in the moment. The question is: am I at peace with what is in this moment? This is such great news, as peace is always possible. If you notice yourself resisting, let it go, shift to acceptance, and you have arrived home to the natural state of peace once again.

Being open to all of our experiences and welcoming them as is is not a strategy to try once or twice and give up. It is being with the ongoing flow of life…it is life itself. Reality is flowing, whether we resist it or not.

When we are fed up with the failure of our strategies and finished with trying to control the uncontrollable, we are ready for the truth. Facing the seemingly unfaceable, over and over with whatever arises, is where peace is discovered.

Once the goal of feeling better is put to rest (see VIP #1), any experiences, challenging or otherwise, are free to come, stay, or go. Our happiness – or peace – does not depend on them. We are willing to be with whatever arises as it is. When the trying falls away, being open and real with what is happening in the moment is a way of life. We live in nonresistance…in reality…in peace. We know when we are resisting because we are triggered or emotional. When we meet these experiences in tenderness, we realize freedom once again.

Very Important Point #3

Peace doesn’t look any particular way. It doesn’t mean we no longer have problems or that challenging situations never arise. It doesn’t mean that we never again get annoyed or frustrated or sad. It just means that we don’t get involved in our reactions; we accept them simply by saying, with interest and friendliness, “Oh, this.”

When we are committed to knowing the truth of our experience, we make the space to be aware of what arises, and we study it with the most loving eyes. What happens next cannot be planned or predicted. The flow of life continues…

Very Important Point #4

In actuality, there are not two. There is no you separate from the experience you are welcoming. See if this is true for you. What you will find is awareness being aware of an experience; that is all. Bring your attention to the awareness, to that space in you that is perceiving the experience, and the experience is simply present. The words I often use – welcoming, accepting, meeting – are the best words we have to describe this process, but they don’t capture it exactly. What actually happens is an effortless, benevolent noticing of what is arising. You don’t need to reach out to meet any feelings or reactions. Simply be still in awareness and the experience is as it is. No doing, just being: present, awake, aware.

Eternal peace is possible. Reality is fresh and alive. Know yourself, and you are free…living in peace, as peace.

How to Be Curious

“If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?”
Dogen, 13th century Zen master

What a curious title – How to Be Curious. Isn’t curiosity inherent to being human and completely natural? Why do we need to learn how to be curious?

We are naturally curious from birth, striving to know, to understand, and to make sense of ourselves and the world. Consider babies captivated by their toes and children a few years older asking endless “why” questions.

Years ago, I was traveling in Nepal. I was in a remote village with some Nepali friends, and we were returning to Kathmandu with an 8-year-old boy who had never before ventured farther than the surrounding villages. We walked about a day and a half to reach a road where we would get the bus to Kathmandu. I will never forget the look of absolute awe and amazement on his face when he first saw a bus pulling up to the stop. A moving box with people in it!! How could that be? And when we arrived at the rented room that was our destination, he was enraptured by flicking the light switch on and off and watching the light appear.

Where would we be without curiosity? Every building, every scientific development, every system – everything man-made began with someone being curious to understand or to know how something works.

Know Thyself

For many of us, especially those of you still reading this post, our favorite object of curiosity is ourselves. This is far from a new interest. The phrase, “Know thyself,” is etched into the ruins of a Greek temple that dates back 2400 years. But how to know thyself? It seems a lot easier to know how to send an astronaut to the moon than to understand ourselves.

We know ourselves by asking questions, and the first question that naturally arises is, “Why?” You might ask: why did I just do that…why can’t I find my life’s passion…why am I still afraid…why didn’t my parents love me.

What Do We Really Want to Know?

Although we ask why, what are we really wanting to know? If we take the why question to its essence, we see that what we actually want is happiness. What we are really asking is: how can I find an end to this pain…what do I need to do to be happy. Take a minute right now to check this out in your own experience to see if it is true. Knowing why a given emotion or situation is arising offers a clue to changing it, but will never bring you to peace.

No wonder we search so hard for happiness. Maybe we’re not asking the right questions.

I recently spoke with someone who admitted that he is easily irritated by other people and reacts by criticizing them. Asking why he is like this yielded answers such as: because I am under stress right now…because other people do irritating things…because I am angry at myself and am taking it out on those around me. These answers are informative – they quell anxiety to some degree – but they are never going to lead to complete relief.

The path to true happiness is to know our experience directly. The ultimate, real, enduring solution comes by inquiring into every aspect of our experience – thoughts, emotions, physical sensations. Answers to the why question might temporarily satisfy the mind, but consider these questions:

What am I actually experiencing right now?
Can I be with these physical sensations without distracting from them?
Can I make space for these emotions to be as they are?
Can I let go of struggling right now and see things as they are?
Are these thoughts actually true?
Is there anything else that wants to be seen?

This way of being curious about what is actually present is so delicious. We get to know the truth about our experience! It is elegant, simple and effortless – just being with what is as it is. When we turn our attention to what is actually happening in our inner world, our whole relationship to it changes. What was previously hidden and denied is now seen clearly. We know the source of our problems from the ground up, rather than trying to figure it out in our minds.

We Defend to Survive

Sounds easy, right? Well, simple, yes, but not necessarily easy. Besides curiosity, another human tendency is the desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain. It’s a survival strategy. When we begin to become aware of a difficult feeling or unpleasant physical sensation, the alarm bells go off, signaling the need to go on the defensive. It’s like the first shot fired that begins the inner war. There is an experience that occurs, e.g., a difficult feeling, an internal, “Uh-oh, something’s wrong here,” then the maneuvers to avoid that experience. Here is where the trouble begins.

Humans are infinitely creative in the ways they have devised to avoid being with experience as it is. We think, plan, reminisce, analyze, explain, become lost in our imagination, tell ourselves stories. We get busy, drink alcohol or coffee, sleep, pick up the phone, pick a fight. We will do anything but simply be with what is. Except if you really want to know the truth.

If what you want is to know thyself, knock the walls down, pull out all the stops, and be curious to get to know yourself all the way through. Start with what’s here right now – the sounds you hear, the sensations of your back against a chair. Then shine the searchlight of your attention into the inner nooks and crannies. What hidden feeling or contraction is lying there just waiting for your loving embrace?

The Road to Happiness in a Nutshell

These experiences we avoid are part of ourselves that were cut off from conscious awareness long ago because they were unwelcomed. What they need is love. When all of our experiences are met with love, there is no longer a need to avoid or defend. We reclaim our natural selves. Being with what is becomes effortless. The inner war ends with everyone and everything as the victor.

Say that you feel you haven’t met your potential in life, and the answer to your “why” question is that your parents didn’t love you enough. Possibly helpful, but let’s go further. When you have the thought, “My parents didn’t love me enough,” what is your actual experience? Maybe you feel heaviness in your chest and your energy sinks. Bring your loving attention to these experiences. They exist in you because you felt unloved in the first place. What they need is love, and you have the capacity to open your heart to these hurting places in yourself. Now the thought, “My parents didn’t love me enough” is far from an endpoint – it is a signal to open in love. Being with yourself in this way, over and over, is the true medicine for your problems.

Ramana Maharshi was an Indian sage who offered the possibility of eternal freedom by asking the question, “Who am I?” Try this out, and see what you discover. If who you really are is not your thoughts or emotions or perceptions or even your body, who are you, really? (Hint: This question cannot be answered with the mind.)

You might have heard the proverb, “curiosity killed the cat,” which is a warning against being too curious. This might apply in some situations, but if you want to truly know yourself, if you want to live in freedom, be completely curious and meet what you discover in love. The whole universe is patiently waiting for you.

“Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers.”
Rainer Maria Rilke

The Warrior’s Way to Inner Peace: Part 2 – How to Be a Warrior

warrior “The warrior’s approach is to say ‘yes’ to life: ‘yea’ to it all.”
Joseph Campbell

In Part 1 of this series, “What is Inner Peace?,” we learned that inner peace is revealed when we receive all of our experience without resistance. The path to peace is actually quite radical. It means turning our attention inward to become conscious of everything that arises – thoughts, physical sensations, emotions. It is the end of unconscious habits and unexamined belief systems. It is a ruthless longing to know the deepest truth about everything, to question, to investigate, and to persevere until we are no longer affected by anything that arises. No more clinging or avoiding, we are free of attachments to situations, people, even life itself. And in this process, triggers naturally release and emotional knots unravel. Life flows with whatever happens, and we are free.

Realizing peace requires a commitment beyond all commitments – wanting to know the truth so completely that we take the risk of losing everything. This is not a journey for the lackadaisical or those willing to accept the status quo. It is a journey into the unknown where everything we take to be true is up for grabs. It requires the qualities of the warrior.

Willingness

Willingness means we are ready, available, and open. It exemplifies the tenacity of the warrior. As we investigate all our stories and emotional and thought patterns, we invariably come up against strong conditioning. Like a train barreling down the tracks, our habits take control, driven by forces we are unaware of.

We need to be so willing to investigate everything, to want to see these patterns and drill down to the essential truth, that our conditioning cannot continue. Investigating deeply held habits is not about fighting with them. It is about wanting to know them so much that the clenched fist of the habit begins to relax. This is the power of the truth.

Courage

Courage is the warrior’s ability to face difficulty despite the presence of fear. At bottom, fear fuels all of our conditioned tendencies that take us away from peace. We’re afraid of succeeding or of failing. We fear committing to a relationship or being alone. We have addictions which are motivated by fear of what we will discover if the addictive behavior should cease. We fear death, weakness, the unknown, emptiness, loss. And each of these fears instigate strategies and manipulations so we can keep ourselves feeling safe.

True peace comes only when these deepest fears are brought out from the shadows and welcomed into the light of awareness. And this requires courage: the ability to turn our attention directly to that which we most wish to avoid, to know fear intimately – its nuanced manifestation in our thoughts and bodies – and to welcome it in the most loving embrace.

Taking Responsibility

Warriors don’t blame, accuse, or identify themselves as a victim. They take responsibility by seeing all their reactions as an opportunity to know themselves more deeply. There is no focus on what the other should have done or what should have happened as, frankly, this is a waste of time. Warriors teach us to take things are they are and accept them as is.

When a situation arises that brings about an inner reaction, taking responsibility means bringing our attention directly to it and welcoming it with tenderness and compassion. Say you feel stressed. Investigate what that experience of stress is like, what it is made up of, and allow each component to be as it is. You might notice bodily sensations such as tension, vibration, tingling. Meet them as if for the first time and be curious to know them more fully. Putting your attention here opens up the pathless path, the way to peace that is never not here.

Perseverance

Warriors stay with it until the job is done. They don’t give in to their urges to give up or complain that it’s too painful. On the journey to discovering peace, we commonly wake up to notice that we have been lost in a conditioned pattern and all our good intentions to be aware have fallen by the wayside. This is a key moment, a choice point, with the choices being: demean yourself and create a story about how you will never “get it” – or take a breath, reconnect with your true heart’s desire, and welcome in your experience in this moment. The decision is ours, always available to us.

Self-Sacrifice

Warriors sacrifice themselves for a greater purpose. Sacrifice means to surrender, give up, or let go of something we desire or love. This ruthless path to peace asks us to let go of our individual wants, including our strategies, defenses, and expectations. We try to preserve a sense of control by wanting what we want out of other people, situations, even ourselves. Have you noticed that what we desire can bear little resemblance to what we actually get?

On this journey, we recognize the futility of holding on to our personal desires and the way in which they distance us from peace. For peace is not to be attained at some future time. It is revealed as eternally present, here right now, once our attention moves away from reinforcing personal habits and needs. It has nothing to do with any effort to sustain ourselves. Peace comes with the end of all strategies – letting go of the need for security, belonging, power, connection – and surrendering into the flow of life, being, which can be completely trusted to provide us with exactly what we need.

Living in the Unknown

Just as a warrior charges into battle not knowing what the outcome will be, when we live in surrender to life, we live in the unknown. The activities of the mind – categorizing, planning, predicting, imagining – attempt to structure reality so we think we know what to expect. Our minds partake in all sorts of mental gymnastics with the goal of quelling our most fundamental fear – the fear of dissolution, of death.

Meeting the fear of death directly, of losing everything including our own lives, reveals silence, peace, the essence of life itself. Our personal lives are seen as manifestations of the whole, like a wave emerging from the ocean. Life as the impersonal flow takes us where it will. Our fear-based efforts have very little to do with what it offers us. When we surrender into the unknown, every single arising is seen as so very precious and everything is received as is. Love is. Truth is. And peace beyond peace is revealed.