Archives for October 2009

The Wisdom of Restraining Yourself

I used to be very rebellious, and it got me into some trouble. In the name of freedom, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted without restriction, and I certainly didn’t want my autonomy compromised by someone else’s rules. (Just ask my parents.) Truth be told, my willful behavior did not make me happy. It was defiant and resistive and kept me from getting what I really wanted in some important areas of my life. I am so thankful that I finally discovered the wisdom of restraint, the simple practice of stopping that has paved the way for more freedom than I ever thought was possible.

What we think of as our unrestrained behavior coming from free will is most often the reenacting of automatic, unconscious habits. Say you feel angry at someone and have the urge to lash out at them. If you don’t pause to investigate the urge, you end up making a remark you are likely to regret when you calm down later on. Or say you have the intention to exercise, but, without stopping to think, you act out your desire to eat a bag of chips rather than go to the gym. Is this wisdom…or freedom?

Our lives are filled with conditioned habits like these that we call “living life.” Some are benign and others interfere greatly with our happiness and well-being. Do you recognize any of the following: procrastination, low self-confidence, passivity, hostility, judgment, pessimism? Without restraint, we stay stuck in the same predicament that keeps us bound and limited. Restraining ourselves offers a window of opportunity for change to happen. When we pause before the pattern has us barreling down the road to the same disappointing outcome, there is the chance, finally, to discern the appropriate, conscious, desired response.

In this way, our self-sabotaging desires themselves become our allies. Rather than wishing to banish them or make them disappear, they signal us to stop and step away from the developing pattern.

The common meaning of the word restraint speaks to holding back, repressing, and keeping control. The implication is that by restraining ourselves, we relinquish freedom and forgo spontaneity. In fact, just the opposite is true. Real freedom comes from not being ruled by our habitual patterns that are based on fear and confusion. And real spontaneity arises from the space that remains when the habits are put to rest.

Practicing Restraint

Restraint offers a respite, the possibility to regroup, take a different, conscious path, a chance to let go of unproductive thinking and reconnect with what you really want. Elsewhere I discuss the full process for changing habits. Here is how to do the first essential step: restraining yourself. It may be the only practice you need.

Find within yourself the sincere intention to refrain from continuing a pattern of behavior that no longer serves you. The pattern can be anything problematic: eating poorly, arguing too much, criticizing yourself or others, showing up late, smoking. Make a vow to yourself, a true commitment to exercise restraint. Your intention needs to be stronger than your urge to enact the pattern.
When you notice you are in the pattern, stop. Pause. Take a breath. Step away from it. Put some space around it.
Congratulate yourself! You have just succeeded in creating the possibility for the habit to fall away.
Repeat 1, 2, and 3 as often as necessary. Every time the urge to continue the pattern arises, stop and refuse to go further into it. Again, step away from the pattern.

A couple of helpful points:

When you begin, you may not “wake up” from the habit until you are well into it. This is completely normal and demonstrates the power of our automatic tendencies. Whenever you do become aware, remember #3, that realizing your commitment to restraint is a moment of freedom. If you stay the course, and keep exercising restraint, your awareness will eventually kick in earlier.
OK, I’ve stopped. Now what? Experience the fresh opportunity to be present with your thoughts and emotions, be open to this new and unfamiliar place, see if you gain an insight into the habit, laugh, rejoice, feel relief, feel free.

Regarding restraint, I know whereof I speak. I have become aware of many habits and have chosen to stop. Maybe millions of times. My willingness has been so strong, and it had to be. I wanted to be free of the suffering these habits engendered more than anything. What seemed like difficulty to start has transformed into such sweet joy. I am happy to restrain myself when even the tiniest fruitless urge arises and embrace whatever I experience with full acceptance. Restraint is the beginning of the journey to freedom you can’t even begin to imagine.

Have you ever restrained yourself? What was your experience? I welcome all your comments, questions, etc.

Life Lessons from Our Elders #5: Open to Love

Helping Grandmother Walk “Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do…but how much love we put in that action.”
Mother Teresa

This is the last in a series of Life Lessons from Our Elders. Here are the links to the first four: Be Present for Your Life, Appreciate Everything but Don’t Be Attached to It, Don’t Wait, and Accept Things as They Are. I’d love to know what you thought of the series. I’m always open to feedback, so please feel free to comment or send an email. It’s been a joy for me to write and share it.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I’m around older people, I experience so many tender moments. I was sitting in a waiting room with my elderly mother recently. A pianist was playing some old cover tunes from her era, and she tentatively began to remember the words and sing along. She was so delighted! Tears filled my eyes. It was such a bittersweet moment for me, as I saw her reliving a time now long gone. I had a flash of what she must have been like as a young woman hearing that song and saw before me the reality of her inescapable decline.

Even if we don’t think about it consciously, when we are around older people, death is in the air. We see what happens to faces and bodies, and we recoil inside, secretly asking, “Will that happen to me?” Experiences with older people underscore our most basic choice – to close or to open. You can check this out for yourself. Closing feels flat and avoids what is actually true and present. It creates complication and confusion. Opening our hearts to everything, even if it’s challenging, is alive, enriching, and real.

Aging seems to soften people. As personal desires and expectations fall away, there is a natural opening to what remains, which is love. I used to visit an elegant woman in a nursing home who was very ill with lung disease. She simply wanted to sit in silence while I held her hand – it was so intimate. Several people asked for hugs every time. I saw thousands of small ways in which brittle hearts were cracking open.

I learned to meet people exactly where they are. I get a sense of how close to sit, whether to touch or not, how loudly or slowly to speak, when to be silent. I let go of myself completely and let their needs and wishes guide us. I don’t mean to sound sappy at all, but what is so apparent is that we meet in love.

Angela is an aide at a nursing home who embodies this understanding. Her job is to give people showers, which for many is not the highlight of their week as the required movement and physical stimulation is overly jarring. But things are different when Angela is on duty. Each person emerges glowing, powdered, and pampered. The men are flawlessly shaved, and the women’s makeup and hair are done to perfection. The love, honor, and care that infuse her work can inspire all of us.

There is a natural course to the life cycle that signifies our priorities, how busy we are, and what we do with our time at different stages. In our teens and 20’s, we are oriented to exploring the world and our place in it. The 30’s and 40’s are typically occupied with work, home, and family. Later on, we begin to slow down, and our focus gradually moves inward. What our elders teach us is that love is available to be recognized in all of these moments.

The lesson here is to take the time to notice how we get distracted, then return to the underlying truth of what remains when everything else drops away. With a simple shift of attention, we move from contracting in fear and defensiveness to opening in love. And when we allow love to permeate our lives, miracles happen every day.

I invite you to notice older people around you – on the bus, in the grocery store. Use your faculty of observation to take them in. What do you see? How do you react? What life lessons have you learned from your elders?

Life Lessons from Our Elders #4: Accept Things as They Are

This is the fourth in a series of posts on Life Lessons from Our Elders. You can find the previous ones here (#1, #2, #3).

I have seen older people resist the changes that aging naturally brings, and I have seen others receive what life offers them in such a gentle and gracious way. The lesson from my elders is that if you want to be peaceful and at ease, accept things as they are.

Mary was in her 80’s and was drifting into the cognitive oblivion and physical debilitation of Alzheimer’s disease. Surprisingly, though, she was never so taken over by the disease that she couldn’t understand what was happening to her. There was a certain degree of acceptance, and she appreciated the loving attention of family members and caregivers. However, her primary reaction vacillated between frustration and resignation. She was lovable and funny and at the same time depressed, bitter, and pessimistic. Mary knew what was occurring, but would have given anything for her reality to be different than it was.

Seeing older people resist and suffer made me wonder why they take up the fight. Some people think a battle is necessary in order to survive. They think they are struggling to live, to vanquish the very process that is as reliable as the sunrise. The thinking is, “If I stop fighting against what is happening, I will die.” And the obvious truth is: they are going to die anyway. It’s a losing battle, and in the process, the unfortunate and unnecessary loss is one’s happiness and quality of life.

Even though most of us are not on our deathbed, there are many ways we fight against reality.

We want situations to be different than they are.
We wish for other people to change so they are more to our liking.
We try to avoid our fears.
We come up with a picture of what we want our lives to look like and try to make reality conform to it.
We don’t listen to the quiet voice, our inner guidance that whispers the direction of the true path for our lives.

The results of this resistance are anxiety, confusion, self-doubt, irritation, lack of passion, emptiness, and boredom, as well as muscular tension and stress-related symptoms and illnesses. These experiences are all signs of hidden feelings and belief systems that are asking for our attention and embrace rather than denial.

True acceptance is neither passivity nor resignation in response to life circumstances. It is a willingness to acknowledge and welcome all experiences as they are, with friendliness and receptivity. It does not mean that you do nothing. In fact, accepting reality as it is simplifies one’s inner world and allows clear alternatives for wise and appropriate action to come to light.

The loss of the functioning of the body is particularly acute for older people and highlights the choice to fight or be at ease. Almost without exception, they complain about going to too many doctor’s appointments and taking too much medication. They can lose the ability to hear, see, walk, and remember. The functions of elimination become challenging in different ways. Sleep is often disturbed, and physical pain can be a daily occurrence. These experiences are potentially so rich, as it becomes impossible to deny the reality of impermanence. Each one is an invitation, the question being: are they received with compassion, or do they feed the inner war of resistance?

Sam was a lovely man in a nursing home who was blind and mostly deaf. Speaking to him took a lot of energy, as I had to practically scream into his good ear. But he was alert and enjoyed telling stories about his family in Minnesota. The truth is, I didn’t always get the gist of the story, but I know he appreciated a well-intentioned visitor. Sam’s functional challenges were quite severe. If he had been crotchety and bitter, you almost couldn’t blame him. But somehow he was able to sustain this incredible sweetness. He lived with the cup half full and was an inspiration to all who came in contact with him.

The one choice we consistently have is how we react to all that arises, both inner (thoughts and feelings) and outer (other people, life situations). It is so easy to be caught in the trap of resisting these, of wanting things to be different than they are. The experiences of our elders remind us to contemplate what we want for our lives. And if the answer is peace, happiness, and ease, enjoy yourself, flow with your circumstances, and cultivate a deep acceptance for things as they are.

Life Lessons from Our Elders #3: Don’t Wait

istock_000007073456xsmall This is the third in a series of posts called, “Life Lessons from Our Elders.” We’ve covered “Be Present for Your Life” and “Appreciate What You Have, but Don’t Be Attached to It.”

In Lesson #2, I suggested taking a look at your life to see what you are grateful for. In doing so, you may have encountered some aspects that aren’t quite working for you. These are asking for your attention.

I worked with one elderly man who didn’t live the most ethical life in the world. He was dishonest in his business dealings and had numerous affairs while being married. Faced with the end of his life, he was consumed with regret. It was painful to watch as the insights poured in.

The lesson here is: don’t wait. You are going to die. If you don’t die unexpectedly, you will be reflecting on how you lived. Everyone does it. You will be looking back to the time you are living right now. So how are you doing?

The lesson here is to first contemplate what you want your life to be about, then have the courage to take the appropriate action. If you complete all your unfinished business now and keep it completed, you get to live the rest of your life feeling fulfilled and happy.

What are your priorities, really? What do you really want? Take the time to contemplate and find out. Your answers to these questions may inspire you to begin making changes. These changes may be in your circumstances, but they start with yourself. What is being asked for is self-reflection. It is a blessed step to turn your attention inside, to explore all the inner nooks and crannies, to discover how you limit and confuse yourself. This choice to look inside is critical. If, for example, you are in an unhappy marriage, before jumping to a divorce, see what you can change about yourself so you become a better partner. If your job isn’t right for you, see if you can approach it in a different way before leaving. And if you leave, have your next move be from clarity rather than fear.

Maybe you have a bucket list – something you always wanted to do but haven’t gotten around to doing – before you kick the bucket. Perhaps you feel called to a spiritual path or service to others. Maybe you haven’t yet discovered your passion in life. Now is the time to give these longings your loving attention.

You may find that you need to clean things up. Maybe literally. Is your place a mess? Are you slacking off? Is your to-do list getting longer? The message here is to take care of all the things that are cluttering your mind and your environment. Step up and be responsible. Enjoy yourself, but don’t procrastinate endlessly. Let go of blaming things you cannot control, and do what you need to do so you can live in peace. Remember, one of these days you will be looking back at this time. Do you like what you see?

Maybe what needs to be cleaned up are your relationships. Do you need to let go of a grudge or express your gratitude and love to someone? Do you need to walk away from a person in your life even if it’s painful to do so? I have learned from my elders to approach situations with wisdom and consideration. If you are deeply listening to yourself, when it’s time to make a move, you will know.

A word here about forgiveness, with more coming in a future post. Ultimately, forgiveness doesn’t have to do with others; it is an internal letting go. You are the one who hurts most from holding on to a grudge, and you are the one who will feel most at ease when you let it go. A grudge is a story of victimhood and suffering that you repeat to yourself over and over. So when the time feels right, investigate the story from a fresh perspective, and allow your heart to soften.

Finally, what is the feeling tone of your everyday existence? If your overriding experience is fear, anger, frustration, or unhappiness, if life seems empty and lacking, now is the time to address these concerns. If you need help, have the intelligence to seek it out. Imagine that this very moment is your last, and take the steps to make it a joyous one in every way.

Life Lessons from Our Elders #2: Appreciate What You Have, but Don’t Be Attached to It

istock_prayingchild This is the second in a series of posts about Life Lessons from Our Elders. The first one, Be Present for Your Life, can be found here. These are lessons for anyone at any age, as there is so much we can learn from one another.

Most young people have no idea of the riches they possess. I know I didn’t (I’m 54 now). Good health, unlimited opportunities, beautiful bodies, hope and optimism. They take these things for granted. The lesson here is to appreciate what you have, and the tricky part is not to be attached to it. So let’s break this down.

Appreciating what you have means first noticing what you have, then being grateful for it. There is always something. You are alive and breathing. If you are reading this, you have some capabilities, no matter what the circumstances in your life are. Think of Mary Jane from Lesson #1, and use her as a guide to discover what you are grateful for.

If you need more inspiration, consider this. Psychologists Robert Emmons, Ph.D. And Michael McCullough, Ph.D. asked people to keep a weekly gratitude list and compared them to people writing a list of hassles or neutral events. The requirement was minimal: one sentence containing five things they were grateful for that had occurred in the past week. The results were impressive. At the end of 10 weeks, the group who kept the gratitude list were 25 percent happier than the other participants. They reported fewer health complaints and spent more time exercising. The next study, in which the gratitude list was kept on a daily basis, showed an even stronger effect. The gratitude group reported feeling more joyful, interested, and energetic, and were rated as more helpful by their friends.

If you want to be more appreciative, create your own gratitude list, and for each item say, “Thank you.” Feel the appreciation sink into every cell, letting it in completely. Do this each day. In fact, live in appreciation for everything always. You only really have what you have in this moment.

Not being attached to these things you appreciate means knowing that they are temporary. And all of it is temporary – your body, people in your life, everything you think you are. Check this out and see. Are you really a father or daughter, or are these roles you have taken on? Do you own anything? Isn’t it the case that it could all be taken away? I know some people who lost their homes in fires recently who got a huge dose of this reality.

If you are attached, if you define yourself by the roles you play and the things you own, including your body, you are setting yourself up for a big fall. Because we can completely rely on the fact that none of this will last forever.

Emma was a lovely 89-year-old woman who was a good friend; however, she was not always easy to be with. She complained all the time about her physical frailties and was bent on resisting the reality of aging. She had been a successful real estate agent and political rabblerouser, and just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that these identities were gone. Her body was clearly taking her down a certain path, but her mind refused to follow. It was obvious to me that she wasn’t going to change her view. It became a deeply enriching practice for me to love her as is and not resist her resistance. In the end, she was more than ready to die as her physical condition declined. I hope she died in peace, but I will never know.

Contemplating the death of all things can be morbid if we focus on the losses. We can cling and live in fear of the future. What I have learned is to turn that around, to hold everything and everyone so very tenderly, to celebrate and appreciate until my heart can hardly bear any more. This is the lesson my elders have taught me.