Dr. Gail Brenner

Sacred Space for Awakened Living

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Archives for September 2009

The Insanity of Wanting Your Own Way

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Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
Lao Tzu

Isn’t it true that most of our problems in life are about not getting what we want? This is an “if only” way of being, and is the source of all of our daily stresses.

Here are some illustrations. You are stuck in traffic, your frustration mounts, and you say to yourself, “If only there weren’t any traffic today.” Your partner didn’t ask about your day, you feel disappointed, and you think, “If only he would be interested in me.” The promotion you are seeking goes to your co-worker, you are dejected, and you lament, “If only I had tried harder.” What do these examples have in common? Your happiness is attached to the outcome you are seeking.

Rejection of the Present = Unhappiness

Let’s analyze this point further so it is crystal clear. In this discussion, I am using the word “happiness” to indicate a sense of inner ease, but you could easily substitute words such as: peace or fulfillment. When we are attached to outcomes, we are placing our happiness outside of ourselves into people and circumstances that are essentially beyond our control. The results of this way of thinking are:

  • Delaying happiness until a future time;
  • Assuming happiness is not available now;
  • Believing that people and circumstances beyond our control are responsible for our happiness;
  • Wanting people to do or say what we want them to, rather than what they are actually saying or doing.

What these beliefs have in common is a rejection of the present, with the “if only” thought being, “If only things happened the way I want them to, then I would be happy.” And what is the truth? Things happen the way they happen. We might be able to have some influence, but we do not ultimately control outcomes.

I am making an assumption here, which is that we all want to be happy and peaceful. If our inner peace is disturbed by unpleasant feelings, it is useful to investigate why. Say that you feel overwhelmed or frustrated. I am certain that if you examine your thinking, at the heart you will find that you want someone or something to change so that your peace is restored. Essentially you are thinking: “If you do what I want you to do, not what you want to do, then I will be happy,” or “If a circumstance occurs that I want to happen, not the one that is actually happening, then I will be happy.” Can you begin to see the insanity of this way of thinking?

Insight from the Turnaround

To further understand, let’s turn this around and look at our own behavior. Why do we make the choices we make? Is it due to someone else’s desire? If we reflect deeply, we will see that multiple factors come into play. If someone asks me to join them to see a movie, my decision is only partly based on receiving the invitation. If someone really wants me to do something, I may do it, but my behavior comes from within me; it is not controlled by the stated desire. Likewise, other people’s behavior is only partially dependent on what we want them to do – our desires do not control them.

Now that we are understanding how stress and unhappiness come from wanting what we don’t have, how can we be happy? The answer, to want what we have, seems easier said than done. We do know that pointing our attention outward toward people and circumstances, to try to influence them to give us what we want, is a risky proposition as we have little control over them. This strategy abdicates responsibility for our happiness, and is, in a word, insane. Why insane? Because we continue to do something that leads to disappointment and frustration. If you see someone beating their head against a wall, wouldn’t you gently tell them to stop?

Our Biggest Ally – Our Attention

The fundamental, some might say radical, shift is to move our attention from the outer to the inner. And what we discover is that life flows. We might desperately want to control outcomes and even convince ourselves that we do, but the ultimate truth is that life happens without any intervention on our parts. We can come to understand this by studying the natural world and seeing that it does not resist reality. Animals don’t get angry because they can’t find food – they keep looking. Leaves don’t wish the wind would stop blowing.

When we stop resisting reality and accept things as they are, we have found the treasure! We are happy independent of circumstances that arise. Paradoxically, this is an outcome we actually have some control over because it has to do with where we place our biggest ally – our attention. If you, like me, want enduring happiness, consider the following:

  • First, examine the content of your thoughts and realize how much you are actually resisting reality. For most of us, our normal thought pattern is a running commentary on what we want or don’t want, what should or shouldn’t happen.
  • Resistance to reality is expressed by some form of “but,” in one’s thinking, as in, “But I want…,” “But he should…” Replace “but” with “it’s like this.” Just experiment with it and see what you discover.
  • Focus on your own inner experience – feelings and bodily sensations – rather than on another’s behavior. Meet all of your experiences with tenderness and compassion.
  • Realize that life flows, things come and go, regardless of your personal desires. In this sense, you are just like a tree. Study a tree to see how it relates to what happens and apply what you learn to yourself.
  • Be with the reality of the moment. See it in its amazing array of experiences. It is the only moment that exists right now, and it is as it is, not as you wish it to be. Any given moment is what life is offering you. If you want to be happy, your job is to receive and accept, not control and resist.

Unfathomable peace – and unexpected clarity – are available when we give up wanting our own way. By letting go of the fruitless activity of trying to control the uncontrollable, we realize happiness and fulfillment available here, right in this very moment.

Are you attached to outcomes? What have you discovered about happiness?

Marriage and Fulfillment (Q & A)

Dear Gail,

For many years I have moved toward inner peace and happiness. Each day I wake with happy thoughts. I am enjoying my retirement which includes many activities I enjoy. The Universe time and time again seems to manifest my every desire…

Except for my 35 year marriage in which my wife and I have constantly grown apart. I am active, strong, and at a healthy weight. She is not active and has more than doubled her weight. When I want to walk with her, I wheel her in a wheelchair. Her disposition has gotten so negative that she actually cannot see anything that is very positive. She is not trying to make my life difficult. I think in her mind she would say she is nice to me, but my perception is that she treats me like a child. We live in this little world of being fairly nice to each other. My difficulty is that I would like to have adult conversations and an intimate relationship, but instead I have this parent in my life.

I have resorted to pretty much withdrawing emotionally (although I keep testing the waters) and being kind to her. I long ago decided to keep my wedding vows so that is off the table unless she becomes mean…(which only seems to happen when she is sick and requires care).

Sometimes I think this must be the best possible situation because it seems to be the only thing in my life that does not appear to me to be working great. Any ideas? Comments?

Signed,
Almost Fulfilled

Dear Almost Fulfilled,

Thank you for your heartfelt question.

A potential trap in the type of situation you describe is that one person thinks their partner needs to change for them to be happy. We disempower ourselves by putting our happiness in other people’s hands. I am not hearing that you are caught in this way. You would prefer that your wife be different, but it sounds like you are basically happy inside, and, for the most part, your life seems quite satisfying. You are taking responsibility and are not blaming her for any unhappiness you might experience. This is clarity.

You have also reflected about your willingness to keep your wedding vows. Every life situation is an opportunity to bring our attention inside and investigate what is true for us. For you at this time, it is clear that you want to stay in the marriage and continue to be faithful to your wife. I imagine that you return to this question from time to time; each time is an opportunity to listen to your inner knowing.

I am struck by the level of kindness you display toward your wife. You say you have withdrawn emotionally from her, but your heart remains wide open. This is a paradox, like a zen koan, that you might reflect on.

Any life situation can be a doorway to knowing the deepest truth. I would invite you to get to know any remaining belief systems you may be holding and to meet all your feelings in the most loving embrace. Then the question arises: is it really true that you are living without something you want?

Let your radiant self shine…
Gail

Dear Gail,

I very much appreciated your care to be sure my question was clearly understood and that any changes, and even your response, was agreeable to me. This process of being sure you understood my question had a strange side effect. The “problem” started dissolving after you wrote for a clarification of my question. It appears the experience of another person caring enough to truly understand is, in itself, helpful.

As I write this I am searching for that “problem” – somehow it’s gone missing! Instead there is an overwhelming feeling of blessing my wife has brought into my life, not only the children and grandchildren and the good early years, but also the simple being there through all those years.

Thank you so very much.

Signed,
Never Not Fulfilled

Four Essential Guidelines for Improving Your Relationships – Part 2

twomenIn Part 1 of these essential guidelines, we addressed honesty in communication by asking the question, “Is it true?” The remaining three guidelines discussed below invite a deeper contemplation of what we bring to our relationships.

Is it useful?

This question invites us to reflect on the content of what we express in the world. Do you gossip? Do you facilitate your own and others’ personal drama? Are you a chatterbox who doesn’t leave space in the conversation for anyone else to contribute? I invite you to genuinely examine your speech throughout the day. Is it useful, helpful, coming from care and openness?
Consider these common ways of speaking:

  • Criticizing and judging
  • Blaming others
  • Gossiping
  • Chattering on about trivial matters
  • Boasting
  • Repeating the story of one’s personal drama to anyone who will listen

Now consider the following and notice the quality of the experience that arises as you read them. How does it feel to speak from an open heart?

  • Sharing your own or another’s joy and good fortune
  • Sincerely complimenting another
  • Asking for or offering support or help
  • Talking about recent everyday experiences as a way to connect
  • Asking questions to understand someone more deeply
  • Solving a problem together

Let your awareness and even your whole body, every cell, be open to new ways of communicating. Bring your attention inside to connect with your deepest desires, what you really want to be saying. Be careful not to delude yourself or pretend you don’t know the truth. Lovingly welcome all your feelings, needs, and justifications. In the light of awareness that includes everything, allow your natural, heartfelt responding to flow.

Can I say it with kindness?

Compassionate communication begins with an open heart and an intention for a true connection. You can reflect and see for yourself: Are your words gentle or harsh? Do your tone of voice and body language convey that you are open and available? We are so fortunate to be able to be conscious of the energy we contribute to the world. Here is our choice: to perpetuate negativity and division or support fulfillment and unity.

Hurtful speech is distancing. It stems from conditioned views and opinions that we sometimes take very seriously. Fueled by fear and separation, we expect a specific response and judge or put down others when they don’t meet our needs. Speaking in a hurtful way promotes conflict and disharmony in our relationships and our world. How can we come together if we use antagonistic words or blurt out our feelings without tempering them?

You may be used to speaking in ways that cut people off or shut them down. Maybe you sap the energy from others or your biting humor stabs. It is possible for these tendencies to fall away. Knowing yourself so fully that you see through to the deepest truth can transform your defenses. The heart opens, and the sense of separation disappears.

Is now the proper time and place?

I’ll let you in on a little secret I have learned. If there is something burning that I think I need to say to someone, I try to maximize my chances for a satisfying conversation. I wait for the time when there is privacy, I am relaxed, and the other person seems receptive. To my great surprise and relief, I have often found that in the waiting, whatever seemed so important for me to say loses its charge. Often, I can’t even find the problem anymore.

Now, when a story begins to repeat itself in my mind about what needs to be said, I feel the intensity underneath that is driving it, and my whole perspective shifts. Sometimes I still need to speak, but the conversation comes from a more grounded and loving place with much less emotional charge. It’s not an exaggeration to say that my relationships have been transformed by this understanding. If you try this out in your own life, please let me know what happens.

In choosing when to speak, be respectful, consider the other person’s needs, and center yourself in your heart. Ask your friend if the time is right. If you stop communicating effectively, acknowledge the difficulty, and take a break until you are more clear and open.

Final Words

It takes courage and willingness to alter our habits of speaking. As you are learning by now on this site, every behavior, thought, or feeling is a potential opening into a deeper investigation of unconscious, conditioned patterns. All it takes is a sense of uneasiness or an honest look into what isn’t working in our lives, and before you know it, we are discovering ancient fears and resistances that have been lying hidden in the recesses of our being. And these can cause a lot of trouble. Simply said, if you want to be completely free, all of it needs to be seen.

Can we be totally honest with ourselves? Let’s see what we bring to our interactions that is distancing, manipulative, or fear-based. Know these dynamics so completely with the light of your consciousness that they can no longer hide. Ask yourself what you really want, and have the courage to express it in your daily life. You are a breath of fresh air when you say the truth with kindness and compassion. And if you falter, be heartened by the opportunity to renew your commitment once again. See how you avoid intimacy, meet the fear fully, and be generous. Let your radiance shine.

image credit: pedrosimoes7

Four Essential Guidelines for Improving Your Relationships – Part 1

cellphonesI love to communicate with people. Admittedly, I’m not too interested in superficial cocktail party-type chatter, but I find a true and deep meeting with another enormously enriching. I mean, don’t we all? What fills us up more than a real connection – from a knowing glance with a stranger to an all-night pajama party with your lover or best friend? And what is more disconcerting than misunderstandings, disagreements, and fears and defenses that keep us isolated?

Satisfying communication is mutual in that the two people speaking share an understanding of the meaning of what is being said. The conversation flows and feels easy and connected. Both people are open and present, and their needs are being met. Communication includes the intention, choice of words, tone of voice, body language, and willingness to listen.

Investigating Your Habits

Improving communication takes more than simply applying some tips and tools. You might decide to integrate new communication skills into your conversations, but in the midst of a challenging interaction, the strength of your feelings and opinions stops you in your tracks.

Our habits of speaking and listening, the ways in which we strategize to protect our interests or present ourselves in a certain way, are well entrenched. If you find that you have communication problems in your relationships, or that you would like to deepen in your level of connection with others, the only real solution is to be self-aware, to turn your attention inside to investigate the expectations, fears, and defenses that you bring to the conversation and cause you trouble. Only then can you make a different choice. You must really want to change by being awake enough to bypass your old patterns as you are speaking and be present in a different and more fulfilling way.

Bringing Peace to Your Relationships

You can blame the other person for the difficulties in your interactions, as many of us do, but nothing will shift until you take an honest, heartfelt look at yourself. And I encourage you to do so. Communication is a topic of great interest to me because it is a gateway into realizing the inherent sameness of all beings and provides so many opportunities to reflect on the values and qualities we live by and bring into the world. Communication is how we make contact with one another, expressing our inner world and receiving the expressions of others. With every interaction, we can make peace or war, literally. It is true, that peace begins at home. Consider looking inside to see what is most important to you, what you really want, and illuminating the inner tangles that divert you from being receptive, available, and loving in your interactions.

The Four Essential Guidelines

Coming from a backdrop that, deep down, all of us want to be peaceful and at ease, the way in which you communicate can either support this desire or perpetuate disharmony. The Buddhist teachings offer some guidelines to consider prior to speaking:

  • Is it true?
  • Is it useful?
  • Can I say it with kindness?
  • Is now the proper time and place?

We consider each of these in more detail, the first one below, and the remaining three in Part 2. My purpose is this: as you become more aware of your inner experience, the mysterious reasons why you continue to recreate unsatisfying habits in your relationships are brought out into the light of day. You come to know consciously the thoughts and feelings that motivate your behavior and the subtle belief systems you live by that take you down a road to unhappiness. As your inner world is seen fully, by courageous exploration, and you welcome your experiences without judgment or resistance, you experience the freedom to respond in new, conscious, life-affirming ways.

Is it true?

One of the fundamentals of skillful speech is honesty. Telling the truth is simplifying and contributes to clarity of mind. When you say what is true, it is finished, with no residue. If you fabricate, distort the truth, or misrepresent yourself, something inside feels unaligned and off. You might feel guilty or confused. It takes energy to be dishonest. At some level, you know the truth, but you must invoke defenses and justifications to make the lie seem acceptable, which stirs your inner pot.

It is worth taking a look to uncover the lies in your relationships. See if any of the following resonate: lying on your resume, saying you will call someone back when you know you have no intention of doing so, exaggerating an accomplishment or fabricating it completely, failing to admit to a wrongdoing, blaming the other when you know you share some responsibility. Years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who told me that he used to cheat on his girlfriends. He related that he had an epiphany in which he deeply experienced the harm he was causing to others as well as himself. In that moment, the cheating was over. He experienced a great deal of remorse and even apologized to some of the people who had been affected.

By being honest, you take responsibility for yourself and communicate your inner truth. Honesty is not a weapon or an excuse to attack or criticize someone. It is speaking from the heart about your own experience. When you start a sentence with, “You are a…” or “You make me…,” you are going down a road of trouble. When you speak from your own perspective about your feelings and needs, you are keeping the lines of communication open. Be attentive to how open the other person is to what you are saying. If she argues, looks away, crosses her arms, or changes the subject, regroup and try again by speaking directly about your own experience (e.g., “I would like us to be able to communicate better”).

One of the benefits of being honest in relationships is greater closeness. Recently, I told my partner an inner truth that I had been suppressing for some time because of my fear about the potential impact on our relationship. For a few weeks prior, I had been irritable, argumentative, and frankly not so easy to live with. When I became uncomfortable enough, it was clear that I wanted to tell the truth, rather than live in fear of the consequences. The result has been some very honest, loving discussions that have deepened the intimacy and respect between us. I have heard of two couples recently in long-term relationships who made the commitment, finally, to tell the truth to one another. Only one relationship survived, but the one that ended did so beautifully, in full resolution for both partners.

It is true that honest communications are not always well received. To be courageously honest, means fully receiving any outcome that results from what you say. Sometimes when we start telling the truth, we are faced with some difficult choices. Stay grounded in yourself, and meet whatever you experience with compassion. Your inner truth is always your best guide.

We could say that honesty is the best policy. I support you in being honest, not as a policy, but as a commitment to yourself to live in accordance with what you know to be true, to live in inner freedom and peace.

What has been your experience when you tell the truth? How has it affected you and your relationships?

In Part 2, we will address the next three guidelines: Is it useful? Can I say it with kindness? Is now the proper time and place?

image credit: ingorrr

A Revolutionary Look at Changing Habits

changehabitHave you heard this one?

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor, hands him a twenty dollar bill, and says, “Make me one with everything.” The vendor prepares the hot dog and gives it to the monk. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, “Change only comes from within.”

How people make changes in their lives is a topic that has fascinated me for years. I was always interested in being happier, more popular, and more successful. I felt like there was something better for me out there that I hadn’t yet discovered, and I wanted to know what needed to change for me to find it.

Happiness experts tell us to want what we have, and I don’t disagree. However, if what we have isn’t working for us, then it’s time to consider a change. And as we now know, change only comes from within.

Lasting change requires attention and self-reflection. It is a rich process that can lead us to discover fulfillment way beyond anything we could have dreamed up. It asks us to wake up to our lives, moment by moment, to be aware of what is actually happening.

If you can read a list of 10 tips for a better life and implement them, then you have my full support. However, if you struggle with habits that take you away from happiness, good health, and peace, then experiment with the following process and open to a more natural, intelligent way of being.

The Process for Lasting Change

  1. First, and most importantly, take a look at what you want to change, at what is no longer serving you. Whatever it is, it is a habit, something you have probably been doing for a long time. What I have found is that banishing parts of ourselves that we don’t like simply doesn’t work. Unless we befriend them and understand them intimately, they will continue to spring up and undermine our good efforts. It’s like putting in earplugs to silence a baby’s cry. The real solution comes only when the source of the problem is tended to with care.
  2. Investigate to see what this habit has been doing for you, as it is there for a reason. Does it give you some comfort or solace? A sense of power? Does it keep you on familiar territory so you don’t have to experience something new? Does it give you a thrill? Take an honest look, and honor the creative, albeit misguided, ways we come up with to get our needs met.

    3. A smoker might see how smoking is used to relax or socialize. An aggressive type might realize he is really scared and trying to keep control. A woman who burns herself out by giving to others might determine that she is assuaging her guilt or thriving on approval. A procrastinator may be avoiding success or creativity. Every habit we want to change has a hidden payoff that needs to be uncovered.

  3. Discover the limiting thoughts that keep the habit going; for example: I will fail, I won’t be loved, I’ll fall apart, I’ll explode, I’ll be overwhelmed. See the truth, which is: I don’t know what is going to happen if I let go of this habit. Consider the possibility of stepping into the unknown and letting nature take its course.
  4. Why study habits in such detail? Lasting change requires that we acknowledge what we are losing by letting them go. This step is essential. Change to something different always implies a loss. With some habits, we might be more than ready to move on, and the loss is inconsequential. But for others, we may need to mourn what we are letting go, recognizing the benefit of the habit and feeling the sadness and sorrow as we walk away from it. It’s like ending a relationship with an old friend who you know you have outgrown. If you find that you cannot sustain a change you have been working on, you may have some feelings related to the loss that haven’t yet surfaced.
  5. Appreciate that changing a habit means making the space for something new and unfamiliar. For some people, this might be scary, for others quite exciting. It sounds so obvious: if you’re going to stop the habit, you won’t be engaging in the behavior anymore. If you are a smoker, you won’t be smoking. If you are a procrastinator, you will be getting more done. Be open to all possibilities.
  6. Sometimes it’s not only “one day at a time,” but “one moment at a time.” Cravings and urges to continue the old behavior can be very strong. Like the most seductive lover, they beckon us shamelessly. Prepare yourself to say “no” and turn away, as many times as it takes. Renew your connection with your deepest desire. Have a list available of wonderfully distracting activities. Bring oceans of compassion to your struggling self.
  7. Ultimately, Nike got it. It boils down to, “Just Do It.” Put down the cookie, start to take care of yourself, clean up your room and get going. Live the life you want to live – it’s there waiting for you with open arms. And when you do, feel the freedom, and rejoice from the inside out.
  8. Change generally happens over time. Our job is to set up the ideal conditions for the grip of an unwanted habit to release. And remember, every moment offers the opportunity for renewal.

How about you? How have you released old habits? What have been the results?